Where I Wanna Be

Author: Poppy.

Email: Slayerkitty@yahoo.com

Rating: PG.

Pairing: Willow/Angel (angst)

Summary: Angel thinks about the love he'll never know...

Spoilers: Everything up to S3.

Notes: Takes place in early S3 after Angel comes back from Hell. Totally AU after that.

Notes 2: YAY! After 2 years, finally my first W/A fic!

Disclaimer: Unless I turned into a guy named Joss with tons of money in the last 3 seconds, they're not mine.

Feedback: Please! This is my first W/A fic! :)

Dedication: To everyone who gave me encouragement. Thank you. I luv you all! :)

WHERE I WANNA BE

He was there again, just like he had been every night since he had come back. He walked the familiar path to her house, and silently climbed the trellis of her balcony, and landed without a sound. And he did what he always did. He stood outside, peering into her darkened bedroom, and watched the sleeping form with many emotions going through his eyes. Joy, because she was so wonderful; awe, he was stunned by her beauty, even in slumber; gratitude, after all she had returned his soul to him, and pulled him out of Hell; sadness, because he knew she would never be his; pain, because he knew she could never know of his true feelings; but most of all, love. He adored the tiny redhaired witch, and became her protector at night when she fell into slumber, and lost herself in her dreams. She looked so fragile then, so vunerable. The demon named Angel was determined to protect Willow, the woman he loved, his Angel.

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what i'm gonna do when i get there
I take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace

It took his long, agonizing hours in Hell to really open his eyes to the wonders of the small, redheaded hacker. For so long, everything had always been about Buffy. He had been obsessed with the blonde Slayer ever since he first met her. He thought her love could bring him oblivion, a comforting place where all was forgotten, and where he was simply a man with the woman he loved. And who he thought loved him.

Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
Its where i wanna be, yeah
Where I wanna be

He was wrong. If Buffy had truly loved him, then she would of known it was him, and not Angelus in front of her after he had gotten his soul back. In fact, Buffy had known. He had seen it in her eyes. And she stabbed him with that sword anyway, and sent him to Hell. And even after she had sent him to Hell, he loved her! After he realized that only one person would care about him enough to restore his soul, as well have the power to do it. It was then he really saw Willow. It was then he knew he had made a mistake. Buffy had shown herself to be immature, shallow, and selfish, and yet Angel had ignored her flaws. He was so absorbed with the Slayer he hadn't seen the true beauty and purity that was Willow. His feelings for Buffy faded quickly, and his feelings for Willow grew, and he found himself loving the witch completely, with a passion that far surpassed any of his feelings for Buffy. Angel had vowed that if he ever got out of Hell, he would find his witch, his Willow, and tell her how he felt. He would confess his love for her. And then Willow, his Angel, saved him again. She pulled him out of Hell.

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth
And i'm trying to identify the voices in my head
God wish won't you
Let me feel one more time what if feels like to feel
And break these caluses off me one more time

Needless to say, things with the Scooby Gang were tense after his re-appearence. At first, Buffy had tried to get back together with him, claiming everything could be as it had been before. He knew it could never be, and he was right. It wasn't too long until Buffy began to treat him differently, as if she expected Angelus to reappear at any moment. Giles despised Angel because of Miss Calendar's death at the vampire's hands. Xander had never really needed a reason to hate the souled vampire, and now, with everything Angelus had done, Xander never resisted an oppurtunity to make snide or hateful comments. Cordelia was leery of the vampire, as if she didn't quite trust him. The only one who didn't treat him like an outcast or a leper was Willow, the Slayerette he had tormented the most. She always welcomed him with a warm smile, and always made an effort to make him feel welcome. He loved her even more for it. His warm, sweet, caring, innocent, beautiful Willow. It had been like a stake through the heart when he found out she had a boyfriend. Angel was extremely jealous and angry that someone else had discovered the jewel that was Willow Rosenburg. Angel knew he could never tell her of his feelings now. He didn't want to disrupt her life, now that she was so happy. So he did the only thing he could do. He chickened out, and kept his feelings to himself.

Cause I am hanging on every word you're saying
Even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside of your door
And listen to you breathing
Its where I wanna be, yeah

He knew she was happy with the wolf, Oz. She deserved to be happy. He knew he didn't have the right to disrupt her happiness by telling her of his feelings for her. Besides, he knew she could never feel the same way about him. After all, she was everything he wasn't. She was giving, compassionate, innocent, pure, and good. And he was just a monster. Angel sighed with regret. If only he had really seen her earlier, instead of spending all his time with Buffy. If only he had realized how perfect Willow was sooner. If only he had realized sooner she was the only one for him, the only one he could envision spending the rest of eternity with...

Oh i don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting for
The scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
La da da da...
Cause i just wanna be here now

He sighed again. He loved his little hacker, his witch, his Angel, more than possible. He would give her happiness by not telling her of his love for her. He refused to ruin their friendship, and he knew if he lost her friendship ever, for any reason, he would go out to meet the sunrise. She was everything to him. Only he realized it too late. He ran his eyes over her face, drinking in her beauty. He knew he would be back the next night to keep watch over his innocent Willow, and ponder his regrets. He touched his hand to the glass. "Good night, Willow." He said softly, disappearing off her balcony.

Willow opened her eyes, and turned to stare out her balcony doors, and out into the space Angel had just vacated. Her green eyes were filled with sadness and regret, knowing she and Angel could never be, but her eyes flickered with hope, that maybe someday...

Willow sighed. "Good night, Angel." She said softly, in a whisper she knew he'd never hear. She turned over, and fell into a restless sleep, knowing the next night the exact same scene would play out as it always did.

THE END

read the sequal 'Save You'

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