If Only

Author: Morgan R.

Rating: PG

Summary: Oh, I'm an idiot, I suppose. I've been thinking about might-have-beens...

Spoilers: Becoming part 2, and if you haven't seen it, why are you on willangel?

Disclaimer: I own nothing, because Joss is our master and patron saint.

Note: I didn't write this instead of 'The Elsewhere'. I wrote it a while ago, never had a chance to send it, etc. It is silly, and there's a fair amount of B/A, but I hope you like it anyway.

Feedback: Definitely, if you have a minute.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Xander and Buffy were walking down Crawford Street when he suddenly remembered what was going on back in Willow's hospital room. He stopped walking, and Buffy paused as well.

"Willow," he began, not knowing how to continue. "She told me to tell you..."

Buffy had become action girl by then, and she was in no mood to guess. "Tell me what?"

Xander had always hated Angel, and it would be so easy to not tell Buffy, to tell her to kick his ass, to make sure she was without weakness as she went off to face her enemy. But Willow was risking her life, and it wouldn't be fair if that was all in vain.

"Kick-" he began, then shook his head. "No. She'd kill me. Look Buffy, Willow's trying the spell again. She's trying to restore Angel's soul."

Buffy looked at him in shock. "Why? After what happened last time?"

He shrugged. "She's Willow. She wants everything to work out for the best, you know? I don't know how quickly it will work, though. Or if it will work at all."

Buffy looked at him for a moment, her face unreadable. Then she shifted the grip on her sword and marched purposefully towards the mansion. Not knowing what to say, Xander followed.

**********

Buffy minced no words once she entered the mansion. She would have loved to play overconfident and cocky, but she put her mind to what she did best- slaying. She focused on Angel's minions, cutting them down before they had a chance to fight back. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Spike rise out of his wheelchair and occupy Angel with a crowbar. Xander and Giles were slipping out quietly, and her blood boiled as she saw that her Watcher couldn't even stand on his own. Refocusing her energies, she quickly separated two more vamps from their heads. In the same instant that Drusilla knocked Spike over, halting his attack on Angel, Buffy cut down the last of his undead lackeys.

She slowly walked over to where he still lay on the ground. She was, however, ready when he dove at her feet. She jumped up and he passed underneath her, slowly rising to face his sword wielding former lover.

"You must be crazy to think you could ever hurt me. We both know you don't have the strength to finish me."

<Crazy. You mean like a two hundred and forty two year old being jealous of a high school junior?>

Buffy didn't say a word.

"All your friends counting on you, and ever since you set me free, you've done nothing but fail them."

She shifted her grip on her sword as he smirked.

"You can't stop it this time, Buff."

A ghost of a smile crossed her weary face as she attacked. Surely and swiftly, she drove him out of the main room of the mansion. Angel had no weapon, so he had no choice but to retreat as she came towards him with a flashing silver sword. He stumbled backwards into the master bedroom, and though disgust flashed through her mind as she saw Drusilla's dresses scattered about, she focused on the vampire she had trapped in the room. He cast about desperately for something to defend himself with, finally seizing a set of chains that Dru had left on the floor. Never wavering for a moment, Buffy's sword sliced upward in a crescent, catching the chains and whipping them from Angel's hands. A few of the links caught his cheek as Buffy tossed them across the room. Blood trickled down his pale cheek as he looked at her in pure hatred.

Suddenly, Buffy lowered her sword. "You're right. I can't do it."

He stared at her incredulously, as triumph entered his wild eyes. "You're more pathetic than I ever imagine-" he broke off with a gasp, falling to his knees.

Buffy sank down beside him, looking into his face. "Actually, it's not that I can't. I just don't need to."

He whimpered in pain and dread and helplessness, until his eyes glowed gold and he collapsed to the ground, barely catching himself on his hands.

Buffy stayed where she was, watching as he slowly lifted his head. "Buffy?' he whispered.

With a sob, she threw herself into his arms. "Don't say anything, Angel. Don't say a word."

He looked at her in confusion, though he was more than willing to obey as she kissed him. She kissed him with a desperation he could barely fathom. Finally pulling away, she wiped away her tears and traced his jaw with a delicate finger. "Angel, it's okay."

Still not comprehending, his brows knit as he tried to understand. "What's okay?"

That was when the memories came. He remembered the woman he drank that first night, how her offer of help had been her last act on earth. He remembered using his words as weapons, slicing away at Buffy's very self with calculatedly cruel comments. He remembered terrifying her friends, and harassing her mother.

And the killing. He remembered the violence he had practically bathed in, the lives he had ended in fits of bloodlust. He remembered Ms. Calendar, and the look on her face as he broke her like a puppet. He remembered everything, and he tried to escape from Buffy's grasp. "Let me go," he whispered.

"Why?" she asked quietly. "Do you think there's anywhere else I want to be? You may have just recalled the past few months, but I know them, because I lived them. And I don't care. I won't let you shut yourself away from me because you think you can spare me some pain." She tilted up his chin, looking into his beautiful eyes, seeing the love and the soul in them. "The worst pain I've felt during all this time was in you being gone. Not having you is my pain, Angel. If you want to spare me, then don't even think about leaving." She kissed his tears away, and they rose as one.

"I thought I was going to have to kill you today," she said quietly.

"Why didn't you?" he asked.

"I couldn't, not once I found out that Willow was trying the spell again."

*********

Once Acathla was destroyed, everyone had to adjust to Angel's reversion. Giles had the hardest time, but his wounds hadn't had time to fester, and Angel's incredible remorse went a long way. He even helped the wounded watcher, giving him tips on how to heal faster and feel less pain.

One summer evening, everyone was gathered in the school library. Snyder had been unable to make Buffy's expulsion stick, and after making up her missed finals, she had passed junior year with all her friends. Everyone was seated around the library table, if only for tradition's sake, since there wasn't any major threat facing Sunnydale at the time. Buffy sat in Angel's lap as they both pored over one of the dustier books in Giles's collection. Cordelia and Xander kept switching books, each trying to find an excuse to escape to the janitor's closet. Not that an empty classroom wouldn't do just as well, but the closet had tradition.

Willow sat at the computer, her fingers flying over the keys, while Oz helped Giles polish weapons in his office.

"Oh, oh, oh! Oh my oh," Willow murmured, sitting up straight in her chair.

"What oh?" Buffy asked.

"It's the curse, your curse, Angel," she explained, gesturing wildly at the screen. "When I did it, it wasn't me. I said the words without understanding them, and it was a bit freaky. So, I've been trying to translate it for a long time. And, and, I did! And, and oh! Ms. Calendar's version of the spell, with happiness, doesn't!"

"Doesn't what?"Angel asked quietly.

"Doesn't what? Doesn't anything! It's just a soul, forever. A soul, no strings, just soul!" She looked at him excitedly. Angel looked at her in shock, then turned his gaze towards Buffy. He kissed her lips gently, then lifted her off his lap, standing and walking over to where Willow sat.

"Willow, I have no words to say what I'm feeling. But thank you." With his sincere words, he bent over and hugged her firmly. "Thank you, Willow. I could have gone to hell that night, but because of you, I'm here."

"I'm so glad I knew you were doing the spell that night, Will," Buffy added. "If I hadn't known, who knows what might have happened."

"Which I guess means thanks to Xander as well," Willow remarked. "He was the one that really told you."

"Then thanks to you as well, Xander. I know we've never gotten along well, but I'm grateful you didn't let that stop you in the end." He turned back to Willow, and honest-to-goodness smile on his face. "Willow, I've lived a long time, but you are by far the most wonderful friend I've ever had."

**********

Willow woke in a panic, beads of sweat standing out on her pale forehead. Gasping for air, she threw the sheets off from her body. She clutched her throat in a panic, looking for the breath her lungs couldn't find. "No, no, it's not true," she babbled quietly.

Suddenly, a strong arm encircled her waist as her husband sat up in concern. "Willow, what's the matter?" he asked in a low voice.

"I had a nightmare," she whispered into his chest. "Oh, Angel, it was so horrible. You called me your friend, and-"

"Sssh," he soothed her. "It wasn't real, it was just a dream. I'm here. I'll always be here."

They lay back down together, entwined and joined for the rest of the night.

**********

The next day, Xander could hardly walk through the many 'Thank You' bouquets in his living room, and though he didn't know what he had done to deserve so much gratitude, he ate heartily at the party thrown in his honor.

The End

back