~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~Part: 11~
"Nice greeting, Giles. Hey, I missed you too." Buffy seemed confused by the shock on her Watcher's face.
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm just surprised to see you. Very surprised. Excuse me."
Buffy stood in stunned silence as he dashed back into his office. She heard him talking to someone within, and a moment later he returned.
"Giles, what's wrong with you?"
"I'm sorry Buffy. How was your trip?"
"Oh, it was terrific, thanks for asking. I had to go waste my time with the Watcher's Council, all of whom make you look like the life of the party. I had to eat British 'food', and I use the term loosely. I couldn't get four words out at a time without someone correcting my grammar. They all thought it was so much fun to quiz me on the Handbook, the same Handbook that you've never actually showed to me. These people had stake-whittling contests, Giles.
They made me sleep in a lumpy bed in a freezing room with no hot water, get up at six every morning to go to boring meetings and ceremonies where they told me I had done them proud in spite of my watcher and I never had a chance to tell them to piss off and explain that you are the only reason I'm still alive. They kept telling these anecdotes about Slayers in the past, and they couldn't have made the job sound more boring.
'Ellen Sawyer, the only Slayer who only retained her post for less than thirty minutes due to a timber shortage...'
They tried to make me read history books, and they all explained that it was my duty to kill Angel," Giles winced as she said the name, "and 'though they couldn't force me to do it, I should certainly consider my duties as the Chosen One,' "
"Buffy,"
"They never let me go to the bathroom. They wouldn't even let me go outside, I was just stuck in these huge drafty rooms all day long. Then I got my period, and they were all men who wouldn't know what the word 'menstruate' meant unless it was some immortal demon,"
"Buffy,"
"So I had to find a maid, and of course she was past menopause, so she had to call her daughter.
And _then_ , they made me train in front of the entire gathered Council. All of them! In an arena! I was fighting a dummy in an arena, being watched by hundreds of men who aren't accustomed to spandex as an every day experience,"
"Buffy,"
"So all in all, it was a pretty humiliating experience when I was reduced to begging in order to get your job back,"
"Buffy," Giles sighed. Then he immediately did a double take. "What did you say?"
"Oh yeah. I tried threatening, I tried demanding, but nothing less than my finest begging was capable of achieving the desired effect. It was humiliating, and then I come back to discover that you seem put out by my return-" she was cut off by Giles crushing her in a hug.
"Buffy," he muttered into her shoulder, "you are the finest girl." When he pulled away, there were tears in her eyes.
"What can I say, Giles? I got used to having you around."
As they stood together, Giles effectively shielded Buffy from the view of anyone who might enter the library. So when Xander came in, he can be forgiven for blurting out something he might not have otherwise.
"Hey, Giles. Where's Willow and her not-so-secret admirer?"
Giles turned around slowly, and Xander's eyes widened as he saw Buffy standing there.
"Who do you mean? Oz?"
Xander's mouth opened and closed without any sound escaping for a few moments, much in the manner of a large fish. He was, however, spared from the necessity of responding as Willow and Angel entered the library hand in hand.
~Part: 12~
Buffy blinked once, and then she launched herself into Angel's arms. "You woke up! I knew you would! Oh, I'm so relieved. I was so worried, and then I had to leave the country and oh my goodness it's good to see you conscious again!"
She pulled back to look at him, joyful tears flowing down her cheeks. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you woke up," she whispered.
Angel looked at the tiny woman in his arms for a moment. "You must be Buffy."
Her forehead puckered in confusion at the statement. Angel leaned over to whisper in Willow's ear. "That is her, right?"
Buffy released her grip on Angel's neck and backed away uncertainly. "What is going on?" she asked quietly. She noticed that Willow patted Angel's arm reassuringly as she stepped forward to explain.
"Buffy, some...stuff happened while you were gone. Angel woke up-"
"When?"
"A few days ago. He woke up, but, well, he has amnesia."
"You mean he doesn't remember who he is?"
"No, no, he knows who he is. When he woke up, he thought it was 1996. He's only lost three years, but he didn't remember any of us."
Buffy stood motionless as she assimilated what Willow had said. Then she turned to Angel. "So you don't remember me," she said dully, making a statement, not asking a question.
Angel shook his head.
Willow put her arms around Buffy as she began to cry softly. Angel felt terrible for being the cause of her obvious pain, but part of him saw Willow comforting her and marvelled at how wonderful a friend she was.
"Why don't we all sit down," Giles said quietly, leading Buffy towards the table. Angel and Willow sat down opposite of the still teary-eyed slayer.
*****
'This is just so typical,' Buffy thought as Whistler began to recount his history with Angel. 'Buffy meets guy, guy disappears, guy turns out to be vampire, vampire leaves her for her own good, vampire shows up when prophecy says Buffy will die, vampire and Buffy go to Spring Fling together, Buffy leaves for the summer, Buffy comes back and acts like bitch to vampire, vampire gets jealous, vampire treats Buffy like a child, Buffy and vampire finally get together, vampire is kidnapped and tortured by his childe, Buffy rescues vampire, Buffy nurses vampire back to health, Buffy and vampire's relationship progresses, Buffy and vampire sleep together, vampire turns evil and begins killing Buffy's friends, vampire gets soul back and Buffy sends him to hell, Buffy runs away, Buffy comes back, Buffy moves on with human guy and vampire returns from hell, Buffy and vampire have on again off again relationship until one day, vampire hits his head as they fight to stop another Armageddon, vampire goes into a coma, Buffy goes to England, vampire wakes up and out of all of it, doesn't remember a _damn_ _thing_.'
In her frustration, Buffy dug her nails into her trembling palm.
Nothing was ever easy in her life. First she's the Chosen One, then she dies, then her boyfriend doesn't remember her-- it was just too much. She wanted things to be the way they had been, back when she was fighting the Bezoar. She and Angel had been in love, and their lives (well, her life, his unlife) had been full of possibility. She remembered the look in his eyes back in those days. Unabashed love had shone in his gaze, unmarred by the fear that his love might steal his soul. She wished that she could see that look in his eyes again, just for a moment.
And then she did.
And he was looking at Willow.
Buffy froze, and she could almost hear her own pulse, she was so still. Suddenly, she saw it all so clearly. Angel waking up from a century of misery to find Willow caring for him. Unlike the boys who had ignored her for so long, Buffy had always been aware of her 'Wily Willow charms'.
She had seen Willow's delicate beauty, loved her tender and generous spirit.
And now, Angel did too.
"I get it," she said suddenly, interrupting Whistler. She looked at Xander. "Not-so-secret admirer. I get it."
Xander exchanged a panicked glance with Giles, who was clutching the arms of his chair in dread. Whistler eased back into his seat, having experienced Buffy in a fury. Only Angel and Willow remained clueless.
Angel, because he hadn't been paying attention to anything other than Willow's mouth, and Willow because she was truly unaware that the change in Angel's behavior had anything to do with her.
"What?" she asked, suddenly alarmed by the look on her best friend's face.
That was about when Buffy lost it. "How could you do this to me?" she yelled, her eyes flashing. "Don't you ever think of anyone but yourself?"
"Buffy, that's hardly fair," Giles interrupted, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Screw fair! No one cares about fair in regards to me!" she shrugged off his hands furiously, looking across the table with venom in her eyes. "Why do you get to take everything that is mine?!" she shrieked.
Willow's chin began to tremble, and Xander stood angrily. "Buffy, this isn't Willow's fault."
Buffy looked at him in genuine confusion. "What makes you think I was talking to Willow?"
"Well- Angel, and Willow, so--"
"I would never say such hateful things to Willow!" she exclaimed. "It isn't her fault that people love her." Buffy stood up, more pissed off than before. She walked around the table, but she was headed towards a spot a few feet behind Willow's chair.
"I was talking to the God...Damned...Hellmouth!" She fell to her knees, pounding the spot on the recently repaired library floor with her fists. Her body was shaking with sobs as she beat the floor with all her strength.
"I hate you...I hate you...I hate you..." she repeated endlessly as Giles quickly crossed to her side. He gathered her up in his arms and carried her trembling body into his office.
As he closed the door behind him, everyone remaining at the table looked at one another unhappily. Angel was the first to break the silence.
"I'm sorry, but- are you telling me the Hellmouth is right here in the library?"
Xander's only response was to drop his head into his hands.
~Part: 13~
Giles sat wordlessly as Buffy fought to regain control of herself. She wasn't able to stop shaking, but she finally managed to speak.
"Why am I different, Giles?"
"Different from what?"
"From every one. I mean, of course, normal people. 'Chosen One' kind of implies that I'm not like most people. But I can't even be like other Slayers. One thing I actually learned from my quality time with the Council is that Slayers have always been slaves to their destiny.
Killing vampires was the only thing they cared about, the only thing they lived for. Living to kill death- not glamorous, but worthwhile.
Then along comes Buffy. She doesn't get it. She makes jokes while she's killing, she makes jokes about killing. She has friends. She has family. She wears platforms, which require an entirely new fighting style.
I can't seem to just kill vampires. I have to let them kill me, and then I come back to life. Or I fall in love with them. Or I make deals with them. Why? Why do I always get to know them? It never helps, and most of the time it makes my job harder. Look at me. The Slayer is supposed to be a killing machine, but I'm just a mess." Her voice cracked with weariness and emotion, and Giles slowly sank down to crouch beside her.
"Buffy, I don't know why you're different. I don't know why you ignore rules, why you always have to do everything your own way.
I do know that there is something inside you that makes you the best Slayer since the first was called. You say that the Slayer is supposed to think of nothing but halting the undead. Well, there are times when you think of anything but halting the undead, and you still do it better than the Council ever dreamed possible.
It's true, most Slayers are taught that duty comes first. I don't consider it a flaw on your part that you've managed to prioritize. Most Slayers consider their calling to be killing vampires. You consider yours to be that of saving lives, and I believe you have made the better choice." He stood up and headed for the door, pausing with his hand on the doorknob.
"Of course, you have a tendency to save my life especially, so I may be a bit biased on that point."
A ghost of a smile crossed her tear-streaked face, and Giles slipped out the door silently.
*****
"How is she, Giles?" Willow asked worriedly.
"She's on the low end of her Angel spectrum, meaning that she's a crushed version of her normal self having serious doubts about the value of life, especially her own, and she's almost willing to go ahead and end it. The key word being 'almost', meaning she'll survive."
"I guess I don't understand. What is wrong?"
Giles looked at her hard for a long moment, amazed that such an intelligent and sensitive young woman could be so incredibly unaware of what was really going on. Then he turned to Xander. "Xander, take Willow into the stacks, please. Find the book we were discussing, and explain things to her."
Xander looked at him in shock bordering on fear. "Book? Discussing?"
Giles looked him straight in the eye. "And _explain_ things to her."
Xander, finally comprehending, nodded. "C'mon, Wills. Angel, we'll be back in a little while." He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her up the steps.
*****
"Xander, what is this? You can't find any books."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence, buddy. In any case, we didn't come up here to find a book."
"But Giles said-"
"Giles told me to explain things to you. So I'm going to. You honestly don't know why Buffy freaked, do you?"
"No, one minute Whistler was talking, the next I thought she was yelling at me, and you defended me, which was sweet, but then she attacked the floor-- I didn't really get any of it."
"Okay, listen good. She wigged because she realized what all of us already knew."
"Which is?"
"That Angel is in love with you."
Willow stared at Xander for a good ten seconds before bursting out laughing. "You had me going there, Xand-"
"Not kidding, for once. He's got it bad, and not for Buffy. I was finally becoming convinced of their eternal soulmate deal, and now he doesn't even remember her. All he sees is you."
"That is ridiculous-"
"Shut-up."
"What?"
"Look, Wills. Most of the time you know better than me. I'm aware of that. Most of the time you know better than everybody, as a matter of fact. But just this once, you're going to have to trust me. You should see the way Angel looks at you. He's like a man dying of thirst, and you're an oasis, and that sounded hokier out loud than it did in my head... Look, the fact is, he trusts you, he needs you, he loves you."
"He does not-"
"Again, shut-up. You can't see it, because every time you look at Angel, you think 'Buffy's'. Heck, so do I. So does everyone. But he isn't- not anymore. He didn't even know who she was, and he certainly isn't in love with her. You and Buffy are both beautiful, wonderful, and enticing. Unfortunately for Buffy, the way things are now, Angel met you first.
Buffy doesn't blame you, but you're gonna have to walk a fine line here. You know how she gets when her heart is broken. Angel's done it to her plenty already. You don't want to inadvertently do it yourself."
With a reassuring squeeze to her shoulder, he left her there to process the unthinkable coming true.
~Part: 14~
Angel watched as Xander dragged a bewildered Willow up into the stacks. He envied the years that Xander had been able to spend with Willow, getting to know everything about her.
Actually, Angel envied himself, because he had known her for three years...
Giles interrupted his rather convoluted thoughts brusquely.
"Do you have any idea what is going on here?"
Angel looked up at the Watcher, not quite clear on why his expression was so severe. "Um. Well, not exactly. I mean, Willow told me-"
"What exactly did Willow tell you?"
"Well, I gather that I'm supposed to be in love with Buffy."
Giles sat down heavily. "But you aren't, are you?"
Angel really had no idea how to answer the question, and he merely remained tongue-tied. He didn't really understand why everyone seemed so upset that he didn't have any feelings for the Slayer. Since it seemed an incredibly unfortunate thing for a vampire to be in love with a Slayer in any case, he thought it would be a relief to have it over.
Giles obviously thought otherwise. He looked Angel straight in the eyes, and his tone was deadly serious.
"You don't seem to understand, Angel. You weren't 'attracted' to Buffy. Despite the fact that she is a teenager, she didn't have a 'crush' on you. The two of you did not flirt. You...were...in...love. You are not comprehending the magnitude of the love you shared. Think Romeo and Juliet, Catherine and Heathcliff. Try to comprehend the most painful, illogical, impossible, tempestuous love affair you can think of. You won't come close to what you had with the girl who is crying in my office.
The word soulmates is inadequate to describe the irresistible bond you had with her. You saw her die, and come back. She sent you to hell herself, and saw you come back. You have saved each other's lives more times than I can count. Obsession does not begin to describe what you had for that girl. If your soul made you stop doing evil, she is what made you start fighting it.
I am telling you these things, though it pains me to admit any of them. I'm a Watcher. I am supposed to encourage her to drive a stake through your heart, not dream about you nightly. Furthermore, I am more than a little terrified of you, after having experienced your expertise at torture while you were without your soul. Yet here I am...
Listen to me, Angel, and listen well. I love Buffy more than I can describe, and I have seen her love for you reduce her to this condition many times before. Now, there is something I need you to do, both for me and for her." He paused, and if Angel had breath, he would have been holding it.
"Willow would probably slap me for saying this, but I am saying it nonetheless. Conceal your feelings. Please, for all of our sakes."
"Conceal my feelings?" Angel's face was full of confusion. "I'm not sure I..."
"Angel, please. We all know that you're head over heels for Willow. It isn't your fault, and it isn't her fault, but every time you look at her, it breaks Buffy's heart all over again. I know all too well how capable you are of keeping everything to yourself. The words 'cryptic', 'mysterious', 'disappearing' have been paired with you since the first time Buffy met you. Now is definitely not the time to give them up."
"Why do you say that I'm in love with Willow?"
"Mostly because we all have the sense of sight. Angel, I am being painfully blunt here, and I apologize. However, I readily admit that I am more worried about Buffy's well-being than your romantic sensibilities at the moment. Cover it up. When you look at Willow, don't let your eyes glow with admiration. Try not to follow her every move. Keep your face an impassive mask, at least when Buffy is present. You see, she managed to deal with you when you were evil because she disassociated you from Angelus. She lived through your hatred, but I'm not sure if she can take your indifference.
I can't ask you to love her. I am asking you not to break her again."
Giles headed for the library doors. "Now, I'm going to get her some chocolate. It won't fix anything, but the seratonin will hopefully soothe the pain."
Angel sat mutely as Giles left. He hadn't realized he had been so obvious, mostly because he hadn't realized he was in love with her. But Giles was right.
It had all happened so suddenly, but it was true. Only a few days after meeting her, he was totally and completely in love with her, with this girl who trusted him and welcomed him into her life. Such treatment would warm the heart of anyone, but especially him. He had been alone and outcast for a century, and to suddenly find himself cherished by a lovely young woman left him with few choices other than adoring her. He had convinced himself that any human who realized what he was would loathe him automatically, recoiling from his unnaturalness. Yet here she was, sweet and fiery and perfect, and she surrounded him with her loveliness.
Of course, now there was the added factor that he was allegedly soulmates with her best friend. It wasn't that Buffy wasn't beautiful and enticing, but he was saturated with Willow, and he could hardly look objectively at another female. He felt horrible about the pain he was causing the Slayer, but he couldn't even see her through the spell that Willow had cast over him. (Not literally, of course.)
But Giles was right. He needed to keep it to himself. He needed to ease back into the life that he had never dreamed he would have, because he couldn't possibly give it up at this point.
He couldn't give her up. So it was time to pretend.
~Part: 15~
Willow sat in the stacks, clutching onto a bookcase for dear life.
'Can't be happening, nope, I won't let it be happening. Isn't happening.'
But if it wasn't happening, then why did everyone seem so sure that it was?
She had seen the look on Buffy's face.
"What am I going to do?" she whispered to the sympathetic, if mute, books.
*****
Angel could hear Willow approaching from the stacks, and mentally steeled himself not to look. No matter how beautiful she was, no matter how he would love to watch her hand trail lightly along the banister, how much he wanted to see her red head appear from around the corner like a beacon...
He wasn't looking.
Willow slowly and deliberately came into view of the library. There was Angel, but he was facing away from her. Well, if he was in love with her, wouldn't he have looked up as she entered? Wouldn't he have noticed?
'Maybe they were wrong after all-' she thought, but ceased to think it when she remembered the reverent way he had drawn imaginary patterns on her hand.
She slowly made her way down towards the table where he sat. He was reading a book with a sort of desperate intensity.
"Angel? Is Buffy still in Giles's office?" Willow managed to choke out.
He finally looked up at her, and she was taken aback by his eyes. They were completely hooded, revealing no emotion whatsoever.
Just like they used to be.
"Yeah, she's still in there," he answered, immediately looking down at his book.
"Oh. Okay. I'm just going to go, talk to her. Yes." Willow turned and slowly made her way across to the office. Their little exchange seemed to prove how right she had been. Angel was completely shut away from her. He hadn't even seemed friendly, let alone madly in love. She knew he couldn't be in love with her. It was a ludicrous idea.
So why did she feel like weeping?
*****
Buffy looked up as Willow came in hesitantly.
"Hey, Buffy. How are you doing? No, that's a stupid question. Are you better? Than, you know, before?"
Buffy made a noise that was equal parts laugh and choked sob as she jumped out of her chair to hug Willow tightly. "Oh, Willow, you don't know how much I missed you. I mean, I missed any female contact at all, but most especially you."
Willow hugged her back, relieved that Buffy wasn't angry with her. "You know, Buffy, Angel isn't in love with me."
At that, Buffy did laugh. "Oh, Willow, please."
"No, really. I'm sure of it."
"You can't be-"
"No, I am. Just now, I was looking for it, and there's no way he's in love wi-"
"No, You. Can't. Be." Buffy wasn't laughing any more, and she emphasized each word. Her eyes were already bright with fresh tears.
"Willow, you don't seem to understand. Angel HAS to be in love with you."
Willow looked at her in complete confusion. "What?"
"See, he has to be in love with you, Willow. That's the only thing that's keeping me sane right now."
"But why-"
"He isn't in love with me, Willow." The tears were flowing now, and she lowered her ragged voice to a whisper. "Angel isn't in love with me."
She shook her head, trying to clear away the emotions that denied her the ability to speak. "But, Willow, don't you see? If Angel is in love with you, then I can maybe get through it. Because then, he isn't just not in love with me. He's not in love with me for a reason.
I mean, if he forgot the past three years, and he saw me, and didn't love me at first sight and that was all, then that just might kill me.
But if the reason he doesn't love me is because his heart is already yours, then everything I had with him isn't trivialized.
If he had to fall in love with someone other than me, then I'm glad it's you, Willow."
Willow felt her own tears spill over, but she kept her eyes on Buffy's face.
"I mean, I can't really blame him. Look at you. You're just so very Willow. Hey, I'm in love with you, so I can hardly begrudge him that right.
So you see, he has to be in love with you. If he isn't, like you claim, then I won't know what to do." Buffy was still shaking, but she was mfinally approaching calm. She curled up in the chair once more.
"Look, Willow, don't let his brooding make you think he doesn't love you. Don't let anything make you think he doesn't love you. Wastes time."
Willow shook her head in denial. "Buffy, you can't possibly give me relationship advice regarding Angel. You just can't."
"But I just did, so I guess I can. C'mon, Wills. I can't possibly see him with anyone but you, if he can't be with me. And since I'm the one with the broken heart, I get to be bossy.
Love him back. Love him like only you can, so that it makes his head spin." She sniffed and was silent. And Willow could only stare in reply.
*****
Xander had allowed Angel and Willow some time to talk, but he returned to the library to find Angel alone.
"Jeez, after all that's happened today, you don't have anything better to do than read? Angel, life, get one. Oh wait, you can't. Okay, whatever the vampire equivalent of a life is, get one of those."
Angel looked at him silently, one eyebrow raised.
"Okay, now you're the 'share-nothing' guy again. Fine, whatever. I can make enough conversation for the two of us. It's one of my many skills-talking about non-topics indefinitely."
'Non-topics?' Angel thought.
"Or, wait, actually. There is a topic, now that I think about it."
Angel closed his eyes in apprehension.
"Willow. What is up with that, man? Why do you get all of my women? I mean, that's the reason I couldn't ever stand you. Maybe I need to learn how to brood. Do you actually have to think about stuff, or is it enough to _look_ like you're thinking?"
It was against all his instincts as a pensive, suave creature of the night, but Angel couldn't help it.
He snorted.
~Part: 16~
Willow peeked out from Giles's office. Angel and Xander were sitting across from each other, and from the look on Angel's face, Xander was 'being nice to him'.
She walked over, fearing what she would (or wouldn't) see in Angel's eyes, barely registering what Xander was saying.
"...and I understand that vampires can't go out in the sun, and normally that would mean that they all stay pretty pale. But what about tanning beds? They aren't the sun, technically, but they have the same effect.
So really, couldn't a vampire in theory maintain a sun-kissed look, as impossible as it would be to come about it naturally? Or would it be one of those vampire healing deals, where the body recognizes a tan as harm to the skin, and it would repair itself? Not that I'm really worried
about becoming a vampire or maintaining my tan, I just wonder. I'd ask about self-tanning lotion, but like I said to Amy, Cordy pretty much gave me as much information on that topic as I ever hope to forget. Oh, hey Wills. I was just filling the awkward silence that Angel seems desperate to maintain. Is Buffy feeling better?"
Willow looked at him in confusion, blinking occasionally. The confusion she was feeling was more extreme than she had ever experienced. She was confused by so many things: everyone's belief that Angel was in love with her, Angel's new cold attitude towards her, Buffy's insistence that she wouldn't be able to go on if Angel wasn't in love with Willow, Xander's discussion of vampire tanning.
"I don't know, Xander. I think it all depends," she filled in the rest of the sentence silently, 'On whether or not Angel keeps up this new cold shoulder thing. Of course, his shoulder is usually cold. But big. So big. Like the rest of him...are these thoughts in my head?' She rambled in her mind, oblivious to the stares of the two occupants of the table. "Willow? You still here?" Xander asked.
She jerked herself out of her reverie. "Oh. Yes. Here, is where I am. But not for much longer, because I have to go get something. From the mansion. Angel, could you walk me there?"
He looked up at her, and her heart sank as she saw no emotion whatsoever in his formerly lively eyes.
She had no idea, however, how much effort he was putting into hiding the emotions he was feeling. How much he wanted to apologize for the pain he was causing her and her friends, just because he couldn't remember a thing. How much he longed to feel her hair between his fingers again, to hold her in his arms once more.
How much he loved her.
No matter what his eyes no longer said.
***** They walked to the mansion in silence.
'Why'd you do it, moron? Honestly, you were never this dumb when people were mean to you. But now... Why? Why did you have to fall in love with her? With a girl you met a few days ago! Just because she's beautiful and absolutely flawless. Yeah, well, that's no excuse!'
'Why'd you do it, moron? Honestly, you were never this dumb before Angel lost his memory. But now... Why? Why did you believe them when they said he was in love with you? With a girl he met a few days ago! Oh yeah, like he believes you're "Beautiful and absolutely flawless".
Just because they think it's true, that's no excuse to believe them!'
Still silent.
***** Buffy finally emerged from the office, to find Xander sitting alone at the table.
"Hey Xander, how are you?"
"I should be asking you that."
"Probably not a good idea," she grimaced.
"C'mon, tell me, vent," he urged.
She looked at him for a moment. "Okay, but you asked. I was pretty crappy to begin with, considering my demoralizing, humiliating, cold and really hungry stay in England. Add to that the ever so lovely joy that is jet lag. Add to that the fact that not only does Angel have amnesia, he's in love with my best friend. You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say it was my birthday. Usually the ubercrap tends to cluster around that time of year."
She sat in the chair that Angel had vacated. The spot was not, of course, warm.
"Buffy, is it bad? Knowing that he's in love with her?"
She thought for a minute, and for the first time that night, the thought didn't make the ever present tears spring to her eyes. "Having him not love me is bad. It's the kind of bad that language isn't equipped to deal with, actually. But Angel loving Willow..." she paused, and slowly let a smile creep across her face. "No, that's not bad. Actually, it's not bad at all. I mean, if the two ladies he's fallen for have been me and Willow, then that's pretty much a compliment, right? If I was a guy, I'd be in love with her. You are. Oz is. Why not Angel? Hey, add Giles, you've got the complete set."
Xander grinned. "Watch it, Buff. You're close to making a joke, and that doesn't jibe with your evil day."
She rolled her eyes. "Screw evil."
"I thought evil is the one that screwed you, and now that's just a bad thought..."
"Yeah, who needs a boyfriend when I have a committed relationship with evil? Ugh. Perhaps the Hellmouth actually has a crush on me, and tries to show it's affection by attacking my life at regular intervals."
"That's it!" Xander jumped in. "How else would a Hellmouth woo a girl? It can't exactly send flowers."
"Another thing I don't want to hear about."
"What, flowers?" Xander asked perplexedly.
"Yes. Flowers, like birthdays, are always horrible. When he was evil, Angel sent me stalker-type flowers. When my dad cancelled on our birthday plans, he sent flowers. No more flowers. Flowers equal bad. Chocolate though, has never harmed me." She twisted in her seat and glowered at the spot on the floor she had pounded so viciously earlier. "Don't get any ideas, buddy! I like my chocolate evil-free!" She turned back to Xander. "Speaking of, where's Giles? He said he would bring some for me."
Xander suddenly shot out of his seat. "Hold that thought." He ran around to the circulation desk and began burrowing in its depths. A moment later, he emerged triumphantly clutching a Hershey bar. "Research session leftover."
He walked over to Buffy, kneeling in mock reverence as he held out the chocolate bar like Excalibur. "Milady," he intoned, "Let the healing begin."
~Part: 17~
Angel was rapidly coming to a conclusion. He hated Giles. No, he didn't really, but he hated hiding his feelings from Willow. He had never been in love before, well, that he could remember, but the point was, he wanted to shout it from the rooftops, to take her in his arms and never let her go. He hadn't even realized that he was in love with her until Giles pointed it out, but the Watcher had effectually prevented any sort of declaration in the same breath.
So instead of getting down on bended knee, he was quietly banging his head against a wall while she got her things from another room in the mansion. It didn't hurt, it was just something to do to keep from going crazy. Of course, not really knowing the mansion layout very well, he wasn't aware that the wall he had chosen was the only thing separating him from the one person constantly in his thoughts...
*****
<thud>
Willow looked up from her laptop at the noise. She had been packing it up to take it home, figuring that Angel's new attitude would mean the end to her stay at the mansion. Shrugging, she looked back down to the cord she had been winding.
<thud>
This time, it couldn't be her imagination. She waited a moment, and again...
<thud>
She slowly put the laptop on the floor and crawled in the direction of the noise.
<thud>
'What on earth?' she wondered. It sounded like it was coming from the wall.
<thud>
Definitely the wall. She fancied she could even see the spot on thewall where the sound was coming from. If she guessed correctly, then the sound should be coming from...
The main room. Where Angel was. Up until recent events, she would have just called out his name and asked if he was alright. Since he had started acting differently, though, she was hesitant. So, she tiptoed across the room and slid out the doorway.
<thud>
The sound was fainter since she had left the room, but she could still hear it.
Hardly daring to breathe, she pressed herself up against the hallway wall. Inching ever closer to the end, she finally reached the corner and peered around.
<thud>
Angel was making the noise.
By banging his head against the wall. It took an enormous effort not to laugh out loud, but she managed it. She quietly snuck up behind him. He would normally have sensed her, but he was somewhat...occupied.
<thud>
"You know, I don't think that's going to knock any of the memories loose," she said suddenly. Angel whirled around with a gasp.
"Willow, I didn't hear you-- how long have you been standing there?"
She had to laugh at that, but there was concern in her eyes as she put a hand on his arm. "Angel, is something wrong? Because, you know, playing battering ram isn't really normal behavior."
'Oh, don't touch me,' he mentally pleaded. 'It sends sparks up my arm and then it's so hard to think...'
Of course, the fact that he wished she would stop didn't mean it wasn't unpleasant when she did.
"No, nothing's wrong. Just, you know, rough day."
She nodded slowly. "Okay. I'm going to go finish what I was doing. If you need me for anything, just call."
'If I need you?' he thought. 'If only you knew how much I do.'
That was when the phone rang.
*****
Giles returned to the library to find Xander and Buffy laughing over the remains of a Hershey Bar wrapper. The sight of her smile brought a lump to his throat.
"Well, I can see that you found some chocolate to tide you over, but I have more. Much, much more."
Buffy and Xander's eyes grew wide as Giles unloaded his purchases. He had managed to find a dazzling array of every chocolate Buffy could have desired. There was everything from M+M's to Godiva, from devil's food cake to imported Swiss chocolate. There was even a jar of Dove hot fudge sauce, complete with spoon.
"Oh, Giles," Buffy breathed. "I'm speechless."
"Your mouth shouldn't be used for talking right now anyway, Buffy," Xander grinned.
In response, she chose a truffle from the gold wrapped Godiva box. After taking a bite, she turned to Giles. "You know what is so weird about this whole thing?"
"Godiva spelled backwards is Avidog?"
She looked at Xander for a long moment, neither blinking nor chewing. Returning to Giles, she continued. "Willow seems convinced that Angel isn't in love with her."
Giles looked away as he nodded. "Yes, well, he isn't the easiest person to read..."
Buffy snorted. "For you, maybe. If there's one thing that Angel reveals, it's who he's in love with. I guess it's just Willow's disbelief that he could have feelings for her. I mean, it's perfectly obvious."
Giles cleared his throat. "Well, yes, perhaps." He stood and walked towards the circulation desk, but Buffy's voice stopped him cold.
"Giles, what do you know?"
"What do you mean?"
"Giles, don't lie to me. You're failing miserably at concealing things from me, and lying is harder. Did you-- do something?"
He sighed and took off his glasses. "I merely suggested that Angel be a little less...obvious in his affection. For your sake," he ended rather lamely.
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Giles, do you know what you just did? Good gracious, it's a miracle he's even speaking to her after that. Well, I guess it's up to me to save the day."
"Isn't that kind of a step down from saving the world?" Xander asked.
"I mean, saving the world is pretty big. Isn't it regressing to just save one day?"
"You keep thinking about that one, Xand. Giles, I need your phone."
*****
Willow reluctantly broke eye contact with Angel to look at the ringing phone. "You should probably get that," she murmured. He slowly walked over to the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, Angel, it's Buffy. How are you?"
"Fine, fine." He began to panic. What if she was going to try and make him love her again? He wasn't sure he could-
"Angel, is Willow there?"
Oh good. She just wanted to talk to Willow. "Let me get her for you-"
"No, I want to talk to you."
Dang.
"Look, Angel, Giles told me what he told you earlier. About hiding your love for Willow."
Hellfire and damnation.
"Anyway, I wanted to tell you to completely forget everything he said, he meant well but it was badly done. The chocolate was excellently done, but the advice, bad."
What? Chocolate?
"So, Angel, not that it's my business, but I figure our sudden amnesia induced breakup makes your business at least partially my business, especially as it concerns my best friend. Anyway, did you kiss her yet?"
Angel froze. "What did you say?"
"Guess that's a big no. Look, don't waste any more time. We wasted a lot of time when we were together, so I have no patience for it anymore. Here's your job: walk over to her, grab her and kiss her till she can't walk straight. Meanwhile, I have more chocolate to eat. See ya."
"Wait-" he cried, but she had already hung up.
~Part: 18~
Angel looked in disbelief at the phone he still held in his hand. Had Buffy honestly said what he thought she had said?
He must have looked upset, because Willow walked over to him. "Angel, what's wrong? Who was that? Is there evil brewing? Are you okay?"
He stared at her silently for a moment. Then, he gingerly replaced the phone in its cradle. "That was Buffy," he said quietly.
Willow paled. "Really? What did she have to say?" She was trying to look disinterested. She was trying very hard, but she didn't have Angel's acting ability, and her eyes conveyed her emotions wordlessly.
'She looks frightened,' Angel thought. 'But why would she be frightened?'
"Do you think you're going to fall in love with her again?" she asked suddenly.
That was about the time that Angel realized he wasn't the only person who had fallen in love, and suddenly, concealing his emotions became an impossibility as he laughed out loud.
"Fall in love with her again? Willow, haven't you been paying attention?" He moved towards her, and for a moment Willow thought she could practically see him as he had been in the past-- sensual and confident and utterly charming.
"I may have lived a long time, sweeting, but even I haven't learned how to love two people at once." His arms slowly slid around her trembling waist. His hands may have been cool, but they felt like fire to her as they clasped the small of her back.
"Two...at...once?" Willow whispered.
"Can't be done," he replied, determined to have the final word before they ended the conversation. Of course, it wasn't that they stopped communicating. It was more that they stopped using words.
As his lips first brushed hers ever so softly, the thought flashed through her mind that there was no way he could be comparing her to Buffy, the love of his life who he couldn't remember. Then all thoughts fled as her brain gave up in its effort to shout above the clamor of the rest of her body.
The kiss was begun with a sweetness that rivalled that of the chocolate being consumed back at the library. Something about finally requited love will always have that effect, but it was compounded for Willow and Angel due to their long and trying day of denial. Angel would always remember his very first taste of her mouth, and Willow her delight in being tasted.
There is probably no one circumstance that changed the kiss from tender to passionate. It was more likely a heady combination of different factors. Part was certainly Willow's delicate hands making their way up Angel's chest, eventually reaching around to curl in the hair at the nape of his neck. Another part had to be Angel unconsciously lifting Willow off the ground in his embrace.
Then there was that true love thing. It was certainly involved in the transition.
The point is, that neither of them had ever needed someone else so much.
*****
Buffy lazily pulled the spoon out of her mouth. "Oof," she eloquently groaned.
"I second your 'oof'," Xander muttered.
"Indeed." Giles replied. "I don't think I'll ever move again," he said a moment later.
"You know, I think I can actually hear my arteries clogging," Buffy said conversationally.
"Nice image, Buff," Xander rolled his eyes.
"Still, it was good chocolate. Very good chocolate. The sort of chocolate dreams are made of."
Xander finally managed to stand, with great effort. "Hoo boy." He looked around the library, his eyes landing on an object underneath a chair.
"Uh-oh," he said.
"What? Not evil, I hope. The only way I could vanquish evil at this point would be by sitting on it," Buffy reflected.
"No, not evil. But Willow left her purse here."
"So?"
"So she might need it."
"Xander, Willow is at the mansion with Angel. She isn't going to need her purse."
"But what if she needs her wallet?"
"She will not be shopping tonight, if Angel paid any attention to me."
Giles frowned at that remark. "Paid any attention to you?"
"Well, what about her keys? So she can get inside her house?" Xander insisted.
"Xander..."
"I could drop it off at the mansion. It's no problem."
"No, it is a problem, which is why you will give me the purse and I will give it to Willow tomorrow."
"But...keys..." Xander repeated.
Buffy sighed in exasperation. "Look, if there's one thing Angel can do, it's keep a girl occupied. Just give me the purse."
"Fine. I'll just call her to tell her we found it," Xander sighed.
"NO!" Buffy scrambled out of her chair to prevent Xander from touching the phone. "Don't interrupt them!"
Giles cleared his throat. "Buffy, am I to understand that you will be living vicariously through Willow from now on, and will therefore be doing everything in your power to further her relationship with Angel, in light of the fact that your own relationship with him has ended? Am I to further understand that you are hereby making it your duty to spare their relationship of all the difficulties you yourself experienced with Angel?"
"Yup," she replied.
Giles stood up purposefully, remaining silent for a full ten seconds.
"Very good." With that, he began to pick up the remnants of their chocolate banquet.
~Part: 19~
It's a fundamental part of aging that people look for love, to search for that missing piece. It's taken for granted that we all feel it, that lacking, that void we want so desperately to fill. It's a curious and sometimes easily dismissed ache, but it never lets itself be forgotten for long.
A song can remind us, or a poem. A joke that we have no one to share with, a kiss between strangers we secretly envy. A rainstorm so beautiful and full of power that we actually look around for someone to smile at, only to find ourselves alone. A windy night can trigger the familiar longing, its howling shaking the eaves of an almost empty house, and a silent bed within holds only one body, a body that would love to be warmed by the heat of another but can only clutch at a lumpy pillow that is a poor substitute for a companion.
But once you've found it? Well, there's another chapter entirely. It's a warmth and a smile that always lurks in the corners of a well-kissed mouth. It's the bewildered joy of knowing beyond reason that this is the end of the search. It's occasionally pity for the masses still wandering unanchored, but mostly, it's inexpressible contentment.
The search is definitely trial by fire, but using that expression is practically a pun in this instance. Living for two and a half centuries only to endure a couple more in a dimension of hell seems, somehow, a high price to pay. Then again, perhaps not. After all, he would probably have died lying in a whore's flea infested bed or an ignominious gutter if he had only had a normal lifespan. However long he had to wait, who's to say whether or not it was worth it? Worth finding someone who with the ability to fill him to overflowing.
(Twice, technically, but only once in remembrance.)
The prerogative to put a price on her lush green gaze is his alone. And if he chooses to forget his impossible wait while he concentrates on counting each fiery strand that seems to make a statement about her personality, well, perhaps it would be no more than voyeurism to stay and criticize.
*****
If filling that all too familiar void is a thrill beyond imagining, how then can we comprehend what it feels like to find love only to lose it? To adore and be adored, then to abruptly discover that the sentiment is no longer returned must be the most wrenching realization imaginable.
Perhaps it shouldn't be attempted by anyone less hardy than the Chosen One.
*****
Willow's mind was in a daze, her heart was in rapture and her body was in his lap.
Altogether, not a bad situation.
"Angel?" she asked.
"Mmmm?" he replied, his name on her lips almost as sweet as his mouth.
"How are we going to explain this new...situation to the others?"
At that, he couldn't help but laugh. And if he consciously deepened his laugh so that she could feel it all the way down to her delicate toes, then no one but he has any right to comment on the fact.
"Willow, I think they know."
"What do you mean? I know they had an idea..."
"Well, it's one of the side-effects of me following Buffy's orders..." At his words, Willow twisted to look at him in confusion.
"Her orders?"
"When she called, she told me to ignore Giles and kiss you properly."
Willow frowned. "Okay. Now I have two questions. Ignore Giles?"
"He told me I shouldn't be so obvious about loving you, for Buffy's sake," Angel explained.
"Uh-huh. Number Two: You kissed me because Buffy told you to?" Her eyes, liquid and gentle only moments before, managed to look rather intimidating. Angel hastened to explain.
"I kissed you because I've been dying to since the day I woke up and found you sleeping beside me. The only thing Buffy influenced was the timing."
Her eyes still held some degree of doubt, a doubt which he couldn't bear to see. "Willow, I promise you, it was merely a matter of Buffy undoing Giles's mistake."
Willow looked at him for a moment, when a thought occurred to her that made her giggle. "Oh, Angel, you..." she broke off in a laugh again.
"I what?" he prompted.
"You're so good at being reassuring and sincere. I was just realizing what a rake you must have been." She continued to laugh, and he frowned, somewhat nettled.
"You're laughing because you think I was a rake?" The truth of her guess made it no less uncomfortable.
"Oh, I know you're not now. It's just-- you always know what to say to make a girl feel exactly how you want her to feel. It's a rakish quality." Upon seeing that he was missing the humor entirely, she managed to quell her laughs. "Okay, I'm sorry, it's not rakish, it's sensitive and charming. There, is that better?" The twinkle in her eye not only proved that she was certainly not sorry, but that she had her own share of irresistible charm. Angel chose not to dignify her impertinent question with an answer. Rather, he chose to prevent her from speaking any more for a long, long time.
~Part: 20~
The next morning, as Willow entered the library, she was forced to endure the whistles and cheers of her grinning friends. Blushing furiously, she sat down in one of the library chairs and tried to look inconspicuous.
"Well, well," Xander smirked. "You mean you managed to make it to school today? Angel must not be as...skilled as we all thought."
"Xander!" Willow exclaimed.
"Look at the bags under her eyes, Xand," Buffy added evilly. "Does it look like she got much sleep?"
"Why is this conversation occurring?" Willow asked desperately. "Is it anyone's business?"
"Yes," Xander responded immediately.
"Oh, Willow, remember my relationship with Angel? Everyone not only knew about all the intimate details of our relationship, but brought them up as often as possible. Actually, I think it was Mr. Harris who derived the most joy from mentioning them again and again." She gave him the evil eye while he shrugged innocently.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"How many times did you forbid me to 'give him a happy', or 'get pelvic' with Angel?"
"Well, I guess that's Willow's department now."
"Xander! Angel and I did NOT sleep together!" Willow hissed.
Perhaps it was the Hellmouth's twisted sense of humor, or perhaps it was simply coincidence. Of course, the Slayer didn't believe in coincidence, so it was more likely the first. In any case, Giles and Whistler came out of the office just in time to hear Willow's announcement. Buffy couldn't do anything but laugh helplessly as Willow dropped her head to the table in embarrassment. "I used to think I had friends..." her muffled voice came from somewhere in the crook of her arm.
Giles rolled his eyes as Buffy and Xander dissolved into giggles. Whistler, however, was more direct. "Why not?"
Xander snorted at his question, while Buffy patted him on the back as he tried to find his misplaced breath. Willow slowly raised her head to give Whistler a look that consisted of horror, humiliation and more than a little incredulity. "What do you mean, why not?"
"Yeah, what exactly do you mean? I seem to remember you lecturing me about making Angel lose his soul, telling me that 'nobody saw me coming'," Buffy pointed out.
It's entirely possible that Xander made some comment along the lines of 'I bet Angel did', but the punch Buffy gave his still sore arm is one of the reasons he will never admit to it. Regardless, most of the room's inhabitants were focused on Whistler as he shook his head wearily. "I don't believe this. Communication is key, here. But no one ever listens, or even pretends to. You think Angel's curse was a pain? Try living with the one I got stuck with."
"That would be?" Buffy prompted.
"Nobody understands me. I told Angel that, the night I met him. So, that would mean even he doesn't remember. Anyway, are you telling me nobody told you about the curse?"
"Anyone else wanna join me in a duh?" Xander asked. "Hello, curse turned our lives into living hell, I think we know about it."
"Thanks, kid. Of course, since that wasn't what I was asking, let's try again. No one has told you about the current state of the curse?" Off everyone's blank looks, Whistler deduced that they had not heard anything new. "Great. Just fantastic. Well, let's see if I can boil it down for you. The First brought Angel back from Hell, but you have to know about that, right? Right. Okay. So, The First was pulling that whole Ebenezer Scrooge thing on him, but it wasn't working because he really loved Buffy too much to hurt her. So he's fighting all the influence of this incredibly strong power of evil, and let me tell you, when that happens, someone's bound to take notice. I can't explain much about where I come from or whose orders I follow, but it's the same sort of folks that made me find Angel the first time, three years ago. Well, my superiors are not, to put it lightly, overly fond of The First. They see this poor vamp with a soul holding his own against big bad evil, they decide he's gonna get another shot at redemption. Before you know it, Sunnydale is having it's first blizzard ever. But that's not all."
"It's not?" Buffy asked in surprise.
"No. Snow may have saved his life, but it wouldn't do him much good in the long run. It was more of a snow/soul double feature."
"Soul?" Willow echoed.
"Oh yeah. That tortured humanity is stuck to him with spiritual superglue. Are you sure no one told you? I swear, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." Muttering about the incompetency of bureaucracy, Whistler picked up his jacket. He put his hand on Buffy's shoulder, giving her a reassuring squeeze. "Sorry, kiddo. I knew how much it would have meant to you. That's why I tried to get you the message."
Rousing herself from her daze, Buffy tried to muster a smile. "No, it's okay. It would be nice to blame you, but not really fair. Although you should probably get some distance between us before I change my mind."
"Will do. And you should know-- Angel's not the only one they've noticed. You never let anything stop you either, and that's something they respect."
"If we ignore the three months when I was missing in action?" she asked ruefully.
"You were still fighting demons. They just happened to be inside you, that's all. And you still won." With a surprisingly gentle smile, he placed his hat on his head. "Keep up the good work, all of you. Maybe I'll come back for a visit sometime." As he reached the library doors, he turned for one moment. "As for you, Willow..." he stared at her for a moment, making her extremely uncomfortable.
"Yes?" she asked finally.
"You're lucky." With a final grin, Whistler exited the library. No one had the chance to discuss what he had said as the bell rang and they all filed out to get to class.
*****
Later that day, Xander found Buffy sitting on a bench outside the school. Her shoulders were slumped and her eyes unseeing, and he couldn't help but wince. Buffy had always depended somewhat on bravado, and although it had occasionally halted Armageddon, it was never truthful. Sitting beside her, he put an arm around her shoulders.
"Oh, hey Xand," she said, smiling brightly. "What a day, huh? Guess all our arguments about the possibility of Angel losing his soul were pretty much moot. In fact-"
"Buffy," he interrupted her softly. "You don't need to."
Slowly the smile faded, and her eyes filled with tears. Pulling her into a hug, Xander didn't say anything as he rubbed her back.
"He- he didn't-"
"I know. I'm sorry."
She gulped, trying to stop crying. "I always..."
"You did."
Buffy gave a watery chuckle into the crook of his neck. "You sound like Oz."
"Okay." She could hear the smile in his voice, and she clutched at him tightly.
"Thank you, Xander."
"One of these days, Buffy, you're going to be happy because you really are happy. You won't have to pretend for your friends or your mom or your sanity. You'll just be happy. Of course, a good part of it will be the joy of my company, but you'll be happy."
Pulling away, she wiped her streaming eyes. "I hope so."
"In fact, we'll all be happy. And we'll have souls aplenty."
"Sounds like...soup or something," Buffy commented.
"Eww, demon soup, maybe. And speaking of food, how about I make you eat some? C'mon girl, can't have you wasting away to nothing."
"After the amount of chocolate delicacies I consumed last night, I don't think that will be a problem. Hey, I had a dream about chocolate last night. At first it was like Willy Wonka's factory, but then there were all these vampires, but they didn't want any blood. They just kept singing that Oompa Loompa song, and then one of the Oompa Loompas came over and it was Snyder, and he started kicking my shins..." Together, they headed inside.
~Part: 21
Buffy sat in her chair, every one of her mystically enhanced muscles completely tense. Her pulse was racing, and every movement she made was jerky and unnatural.
"Buff?"
She looked at Xander, who was sitting in the chair beside her. "You gonna make it?" he asked.
She nodded, then shook her head. Looking at him helplessly, she shrugged.
He reached out and took hold of her hand. She crushed his larger hand in her grip, and although he winced, he didn't say anything. He just held on, giving her a tangible reminder that she was not alone, that she could have as much support as she needed. Which, he knew was going to be quite a lot.
The sun was still setting, and soon they would be arriving at the library...
She closed her eyes, willing the memories away. Willing herself to forget. Willing herself to be strong enough not to break down.
Xander's voice called her out of her reverie. "Hey, Buffy? Can I ask you a question?"
She nodded, grateful for the distraction.
"Do you remember a time when you didn't love Angel?"
She was taken aback by the question. She was crushed by the question.
She thought about the question.
"I remember. I remember being shallow and frivolous and never serious about anything. Even the things that scared me had to treated lightly- it was the only way I knew how to deal."
"I know the feeling."
She was startled at Xander's words, but comprehension dawned, and a smile began building in the corners of her mouth. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. If you don't admit to being scared of something, there's a chance it might not-"
"Might not be able to hurt you," she finished.
"So it was only after Angel came that you started allowing yourself to be serious?"
She shook her head vaguely. "It wasn't that, exactly. I mean, he was a part of it- he influenced it. He was this grave presence, which added to it, but my life was changing in other ways, too."
"Would you rather have Angel be in hell than have him not love you?"
She looked at him in shock. "Of course not."
That was when Willow came in, Angel right behind.
****
Buffy studied him, objectively. Looked at his smile, looked at his warm, open eyes. And while she was hardly going to go so far as to say that he was better off without her- she couldn't exactly deny it either. She supposed it depended on the definition of 'better'.
She had been amputated from his memories and his heart- her entire being, which she had given to him so gladly, wiped out from himself. From his experience, they were friendly acquaintances. He respected her because Willow did. He probably expected to become friends with her, just as he had managed with Xander.
The petty, grudge-loving part of her soul wanted to cling to her bitterness. It wanted to remember their times of fiery dark passion, the desperation of their adoration.
But she was a girl whose open and accepting heart had gotten her into trouble many times before. Perhaps, just once, its very ability to love without logic could get her out of trouble. She was clutching Xander's hand tightly, but there were no tears threatening, and her smile was growing more genuine with every moment.
"The first day I met you, you were trying to make a new life for yourself, weren't you?" Xander asked in a low voice.
She nodded as she looked into his smiling eyes.
"Chance number two," he whispered.
She gave his hand another squeeze, not so tight as it was grateful. Then she let go and stood up. She looked at Willow, whose worry and incredible desire not to harm was written all over her expressive face.
"Will, you would not believe Giles. He was freaking out over this book- not even a demon book, okay? Anyway, freaking out because I misshelved this book. I read the call number wrong- and since he makes the labels, is that my fault? And so I put the book all of two shelves away from where it should be, and he almost has a heart attack. He kept ranting about the horrors of misshelved books- they're like these lost and abandoned orphans, wandering through the stacks, looking for their proper place. Even those that seek them are powerless, etc. It would have been extremely moving, only he was worried about a book that was not lost." She made a face at the librarian, who just smiled.
"Well, Buffy, you know how he loves his books."
"Yes- he loves reading them and finding out new ways for me to die. And when he doesn't have a book foretelling doom, he gets bored and buys a new one. Like when Angel brought him the Codex. Or those scrolls he had flown in from Belgium."
She rambled on, her tone growing more natural with every sentence. Xander's reassuring grin had its intended effect on Willow, who brought Angel further into the library. "So, what's on the itinerary for tonight?" she asked, settling into a chair across from the slayer.
"I think you're all going to try and figure out the extent of my emotional damage, and we're also going to be cross referencing. I'm sure Giles mentioned cross referencing."
Willow blinked. "Oh. Sounds good."
****
Buffy hugged Xander fiercely. "Thank you for everything, Xander. You've just been Mr. Wonderful through all of this."
He shrugged. "No problem."
They were standing on his front porch. Even Xander's masculine sensibilities couldn't argue with his finely honed sense of self preservation, which is why Buffy had walked him home instead of vice versa.
"Just a few weeks ago, everything was so different. Before Angel forgot-" her strength broke there, and she stopped, drawing on deep reserves of control.
"I remember when Angel and I were arguing about his plan to sacrifice himself- you came in and wanted to ask us something. What were you doing that night, Xan? You weren't with us- it's only now that I realize I never knew what you were up to. Willow said she saw you on Main Street, and Giles talked to you in the graveyard."
He shook his head, a secret smile gracing his lips. "Sometime I'll tell you. Sometime that isn't now."
She nodded. "Okay."
She was about to walk away, when he stopped her. "Do you still feel like you belong to him?"
"Of course. The Slayer is a belongs to everyone- like public property."
"And Buffy?"
A long pause in the darkness, the sounds of night and the laughing sparkle of stars filtering around them as she searched for words.
"The Angel that I knew was devoted to me from the moment he saw me. I basked in that devotion for a long time. Now it's gone, and it's wrenching, but it makes me realize one other thing."
"What's that?"
"There's one other person who has been devoted to me ever since I first came to Sunnydale. I met him before I met Angel, actually. He asked if he could have me- but he never got the chance to find out."
"Is he going to?"
Buffy smiled wide and sweet, and with a whispered goodnight that spoke of possibility, she walked off into the dangerous darkness.
****
Angel, with all of the tendencies of an artist, loved to revel in the details. From the spray of fiery hair spread out behind Willow's head to the delicate curve of her tender mouth, every small part of her, every factor was merely a hint at the perfection of her whole.
He traced gently- but instead of a pencil, he used his fingers, and her pale skin was his sketchpad. He drew over the curves of her form with his artist's hands, memorizing them, knowing them.
He had heard the explanations without understanding them. Everyone had described his guilt, his agony. He remembered both emotions, of course, but never in the quantities that he had apparently been used to maintaining. And now all he could seem to do was smile. He smiled when she smiled, he smiled when she slept. He smiled when she was present and he smiled when he thought of her.
He was hardly recognizable, compared to what he had been. But he found that her kisses made him rather indifferent to what sort of image he was projecting. He could not possibly remember to fear hell, and so the memories that haunted him were those of homelessness and utter abandonment. Willow's logical forgiveness of any sins he had ever committed was nearly enough to convince him.
He felt his past growing fuzzier with every moment spent in her company, the clarity of love wiping away the misty horror of the past. His guilt remained, but it was closer to that held by the Slayer and her friends; the guilt of unprevented deaths, the guilt of helplessness to stop certain evils.
He could not know it, but there had been one other time that he had been so close to letting go of his self-hatred. One other time when he had been so close to feeling alive and accepted. That other time had been viciously cut off by his first curse, his happiness forbidden to him.
But this time his happiness grew, never endangering anyone, never becoming a problem, simply remaining a blessing. The terrible things he had done while soulless, the things he thought he could never wipe out from his fathomless mind had been excised for him. Whether a cosmic error or a divine intervention, no one could say. And while he had sense enough to feel some regret over what he had lost-
Willow opened her eyes with a smile, and any recent idea of regret vanished
in his kiss.
The End