Rating: PG
Distribution: Just ask!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Buffy characters. Joss Whedon does
Summery: Willow and Angel angst -
Authors Notes: This piece is a bit weird. This is after this summer in Sunnydale. Buffy has left to go visit her father for the summer, and Willow and Angel have bonded. But now Buffy's back.
Start of the "Looking Forward, Holding Back" Series
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Willow's POV
I feel alone. Utterly alone. At the beginning of the summer, I felt alone. Buffy left to go visit her father in L.A., and Xander left to go on a road trip. Then, the Friday after Xander left, Angel came by. He took me out to a movie and dinner. Right after that, we spent as much time together as possible. We had a tradition of seeing a movie and having dinner every Friday, shopping on Saturday, playing board games on Sunday, and coming up with other things to do, like swimming at night, with the rest of the week. He even took me to San Francisco for a couple days! I loved every minute of it, because during the day I got to go shopping with his credit card, and at night we went sight-seeing. It was wonderful to be around someone who knew so much about the city! We became so close. He was so sweet. And cute. And smart. And funny. He really loosened up during weeks we were together. I never had this much fun with Oz ever. Of course, we broke up, but that's another story.
Then Buffy and Xander came back. Now Angel's drifting away. This is the last week of summer before college starts, and I'm depressed. Angel was mine all summer. He and I were always together, talking, teasing each other, debating over issues like what was considered fine art. Then Buffy came back. He's hooked again and into his 'Quiet Angel" form he uses when he's around her, probably because she loves that side of him, no matter how much she complains about it.
Why can't I be Buffy? She says that she loves him, but yet she always says it like she has to. I can tell that she doesn't love him anymore, she's just using him for smoochies and to show that vampires and Slayers can get along. I know I'm ugly. But I thought Angel looked past all that. He did, until Buffy returned.
I miss him. He's there, yet he's not. Once in a while I see a glimpse of my Angel, the sweet one who showed me so many things, took care of me, and made sure I was happy. Now there's only a few days before I start college, and I know that, when I do, I won't ever get a chance to tell him. I never got to tell him about how he changed my whole life, how I treasure those quiet moments spent walking around the park at night, how when he laughed my world lit up, how sometimes he made me feel so special and happy that I wanted to hug him. I never got to tell him how much I love him.
I won't tell him. Sometimes love hurts, and right now it's aching. I want him to be happy, which is why I don't tell him any of this. He needs to make his own decision on who to love. And I know he'll choose Buffy.
If he saw me the way I see him
Our love would be stronger than diamonds
But he won't. I understand.
I'll let him go, and watch from the outside.
Good-bye, my love, be happy.
For I am not
End Part 1
I feel alone. Back in Los Angeles, I forgot what it was like to have friends, so I wasn't that lonely. But now I've had a taste of it from the sweetest person on earth, and I lost her. She was there when I needed her. She became my life, my being. My soul. After summer let out, Buffy left town to go be with her father. Soon after, that annoying boy Xander left. Sensing that Willow would need a bit of cheering up, I showed up unexpectedly, and took her to dinner and a movie. From then on, we started going to concerts together, shopping, talking. Soon it became tradition to spend all of our time together. Then, we went to San Francisco, well, that was wonderful. Watching her as she stared at the stars while walking around gave me the most wonderful feeling of peace I have ever felt before in my life. It was wonderful to be around her, with her spirit radiating from her all the time.
Then Buffy and Xander came back. Xander went back to flying around my Willow. After she and Oz broke up, he began to try his hand at flirting, and wasn't winning at all. But my sweet Willow was too innocent at the time, but now he's getting more into it, and he's getting a whole lot better, and that worries me. What if she has fallen for it? She used to have a crush on him, what if she still does?
Why can't I be Xander? He's like the puppy dog no one can hate, except me. Then I could be around Willow in the day time, look at her glistening red hair, stare into her eyes, walk around in the sun with her at my side, content as the day begins to end. To show her my love, to grow old with her. He has so many chances, so many more than I do. Why would she choose me when she could have a human, not a bloodsucking vampire?
I miss her. I miss her hand in mine when strolling along the beach, with the moonlight lighting her hair. I miss her laughs and her babbling when she gets flustered while talking. I miss her concentration while we played Scrabble on Sunday nights, while forgetting about the world outside, and the demons who threatened to rip us apart. I love her so much, I would throw my unlife and soul back to Hell ten times over to save her at any point in her life.
I won't tell her. Sometimes love hurts, and right now it's aching. I want her to be happy, which is why I don't tell her any of this. She needs to make her own decision on who to love. And I know she'll choose Xander.
If she saw me the way I see her
Our love would be stronger than diamonds
But she won't. I understand.
I'll let her go, and watch from the outside.
Good-bye, my love, be happy.
For I am not
The End