Part 1: Sounds of the Heart

'We call them cool Those hearts that have no scars to show The ones that never do let go And risk the tables being turned'
 

Red rimed, puffy eyes watched as the digits on the clock changed and a small hand turned the alarm off as the first refrains of the morning news
drifted through the speakers.

Willow lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling numb and sore from crying. She rose slowly, pausing before continuing to stand. She walked over to her closet and took out a pair of lose black cargo pants, and long sleeved dark grey shirt; pulling them on. She found the pants and long sleeves along with the dark colors more comfortable and in a match with her mood.

Next she walked into the small bathroom and pulled her hair into a haphazard ponytail, brushed her teeth and went downstairs. As she reached
the door, and picked up her backpack she was forced to grab hold of the door frame as another wave of dizziness overtook her; the two and a half weeks of barely eating and rarely sleeping were taking their toll on the petite red head. However, she simply waited for it to pass, stood up, and continued on her way.

Since Cordelia and Oz had walked in at the factory, and Oz had refused to even look at her, Willow had fallen into a deep depression. She quickly fell into a pattern; get up, get dressed, go to school, go home, do homework, lay in bed and cry until morning and then start over again. After a while she had almost stopped tossing and turning at night, instead, just laying there, and crying silently. Her friends could do nothing but watch as she slowly folded in on herself.

'We call them fools Who have to dance within the flames Who chance the sorrow and the shame That always comes with getting burned'

She was the May Queen, head cheerleader, most popular girl at Sunnydale High. She set the styles, and made the trends. If she wore it, if she did it, it was 'in.' And that's the way it was. For over 10 years that was her. She was the person every girl wanted to be, the one every guy wanted to date. She was it, Cordelia Chase, more friends, more clothes, and more guys than anyone. That was until she met him. He was the geek, the misfit, a loser. He wasn't smart, or athletic, or popular. But she didn't care. He was hers. His friends were her friends. Together they talked, laughed, partied, and occasionally saved the world from demons. She never got too close to anyone, until him. She let down her guard and let him in.   She opened up and gave him all she had. She had been happy with him. He was 'locker door material.'

'But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire Cause it's not enough Just to stand outside the fire'

And then he was kidnapped. When she walked into the lab and found it trashed, no one there, she had been afraid; afraid that she would lose him. Then Oz had lead them to the factory and she saw it. Him, kissing her. When she saw them she wanted to cry. So she ran, ran away from him. When she was laying in the hospital bed she came to a decision. Never again would she let someone in, never let someone have the control over her that he had had.  Never let someone hurt her again. She would forget him, forget Xander Harris.

'We call them strong Those who can face this world  alone Who seem to get by on their own Those who will never take the fall'

For Willow, classes went by in a blur, one after another, the same as they did every day. The teacher talked, Willow handed in her assignments, and then she went on to the next class, where she once again sat in her set, her face blank and unreadable, turned in her homework, and went to the next class. She never raised her hand as she used to, never talked, never smiled. It was as if she saw the world through a haze, just acting on instinct.  Even lunch held the sit, stare, listen, and leave that had become her days. The hacker would go into the library, where she sat at the computer and researched whatever threat the slayer was facing and listened as Giles lectured or as Buffy and Xander talked. The two friends
tried to get the red head to enter into the conversations but all they ever received was an empty stare, or a small nod.

'We call them weak Who are unable to resist The slightest chance love might exist And for that forsake it all'

As the lunch bell rang, Cordelia picked up her bag and said goodbye to the crowd she was eating with. It had taken little to re-enter the select group, using techniques polished over the years of being the most popular, and a few pieces of information gained when she was still head of the group; Cordelia had regained her previous position. She made her way through the cramped halls, heading towards the library to get her English novel, repeating her new mantra over and over to herself as she went.  *Ignore them. They are worthless losers.  They don't matter.*

'They're so hell bent on giving Walking a wire Convinced it's not living If you stand outside the fire'

Meanwhile, in the library Willow logged off the computer and gathered her books, preparing to leave. Cordelia walked through the doors and looked around for Giles. When she saw Willow she gave the small hacker an icy glare. The May Queen was surprised when the red head just continued to put her books in her bag.

"Still letting your mother pick out your clothes, I see." She commented.

When Willow looked up, Cordelia expected embarrassment, maybe some guilt to show on her face, but instead found herself looking into a face devoid of any emotion.

"Um, I'm going to go look for my book." The cheerleader stammered as she made her way into the stacks.

Willow just picked up her bag and headed towards the doors. Just as she reached them they opened and Giles came in.

"Oh, um, Willow, hi. Did you have any luck getting the information I asked for?" Willow tilted her head towards the table in the middle of the room on which sat a neat stack of computer printouts.  "Well, um, thank you." The librarian made his way over to the table and began to look through the papers as the doors once again opened, this time to reveal Buffy and Xander.

'Life is not tried It is merely survived If you're standing outside the fire'

"Hey Wills, you heading to class?" Silence was the only reply, but Buffy kept talking anyway. Willow merely looked down at the ground, barely registering that she even heard the question.

"You coming to the research party tomorrow?" The slayer implored, turning pleading eyes on the frail girl in front of her, as if begging for some kind of reaction. Willow gave a miniscule nod and left the library.  Buffy, Xander and Giles watched her go with sad eyes. "I just don't know what to do anymore." Buffy sighed as she sat down at the table.  "I'm worried about her Giles, she hasn't said a word since the night Spike kidnapped her." She ran a hand through her blond hair as she shock her head. "She just sits there, all day.  She won't even answer questions in class, the teachers have given up calling on her. I haven't seen her smile in weeks, hell I haven't seen her make a single facial expression in weeks.  It's as if she's not there anymore." A single tear slid down her cheek and onto the table. "Giles, I'm scared, she's not taking care of herself."

"I understand that you are worried, but things will get better." Giles reassured his slayer, but the words sounded empty even to his own ears.

"Giles, she's not sleeping, she's not eating!" Xander exclaimed. "I don't think she has in weeks." Xander stood and paced in front of the counter. "She's going to kill herself if she keeps this up, and she doesn't even care!"

'There's this love that is burning Deep in my soul Constantly yearning to get out of control Wanting to fly higher and higher'

"I know Xander, I know. But we have to keep trying, it's all we can do for now. She has to want to get better, we can't make her." Giles said discerningly. "You should probably go to your classes. I'll see you tomorrow." Giles went into his office and closed the door as the two teens made their way to their class rooms.

'I can't abide standing outside the fire'

Cordelia made her way down the steps from where she had been standing in the stacks. Her eyes were wide and a sickly feeling had settled in her stomach unbidden as she made her way to English; her book forgotten.

'Standing outside the fire'
 
 

Part 2: Where I Used to Have a Heart

'Where I used to have a heart Feels like a mile wide ditch I've got a hole inside the doctor just can't stitch Gone without a trace You left a hollow place Tonight I stoned a mark Where I used to have a heart'

The air blew through the deserted alley as he exited his apartment and made his way towards the park. The moonlight shown down, illuminating his strong features. He made his way silently, with the speed and grace belonging to the creatures of the night. When he reached the park he stood for a moment, concealed in the shadows.

'There were times when I would hold you And feel a pounding in my chest Now I'm just as empty as that canyon way out west'

Willow sat quietly on the bench, thinking about that night. Cordelia's horrified gasp rang in her ears and her large eyes as she starred at her, unbelieving, flashed in front of her.  A picture of Oz's face shone vividly behind her eyelids. She recalled his voice as he called out her name in shock, the hurt etched clearly on his face with painful clarity. Visions of Cordelia falling through the stairs, her body covered in blood as she was wheeled into the ambulance. One by one, over and over the sights and sounds of that night replayed themselves in her mind. Then came her conversation with Oz when they had dropped her off at her house. His voice shook as he told her that he never wanted to see her again. The anger and hurt heavy in his voice cut into her as she remembered the way he had looked at her; contempt in his eyes. Again and again she went over the encounter over two weeks ago; the day she stopped talking.

'That's how deep I loved you Babe I love you still To the bottom of this space I'll never fill'

A single tear slid down her cheek, unchecked. Her eyes stared unseeingly into the trees as her mind conjured up images of her conversation with Oz. A gust of wind caused her hair to fly around her face. From his vantage point in the trees Angel could see her face clearly. With her hair blowing behind her she looked like a lost child, her wet cheeks glistening in the moonlight. He felt a sharp pain inside at the thought that this small girl, who used to be so pure, so full of light, was hurting so badly. He had been watching the hacker since the night Spike had kidnapped her. He had watched as she shut everything and everyone out. Watched as she let the pain and the loneliness consume her. But he couldn't watch any longer. He stepped out of the shadows and made his way slowly to the bench where she sat, unmoving, uncaring of who or what was around her.

When he reached the bench he sat down beside her. "Willow?" He asked softly, hesitantly.

'Where I used to have a heart Feels like a mile wide ditch I've got a hole inside the doctor just can't stitch Gone without a trace you left a
hollow place Tonight I stoned a mark Where I used to have a heart'

She heard him call her name, but she continued to just sit there, staring with vacant eyes; as another tear made its way down her already damp cheeks.

"You know, you're going to get yourself hurt or even killed if you keep this up. It's not safe to be out at night, especially by yourself." His voice was gentle and warm as it drifted in the cold breeze. She turned her head slowly, and looked at him with the stoic face he had seen so many times over the last two weeks. As he met her gaze he noticed that her normally dead eyes were clouded with hopeless desperation. "Oh Will." He whispered, reaching over and placing his hand on her shoulder.

She clinched her jaw and closed her eyes as she tried to stop the tears. "It's ok to cry." He said, tilting her face so that she was looking at him. "I know it's hard Will, but you need to let it out, you can't keep it inside forever."

She shook her head vigorously as the tears refused to stop. "You don't have to be strong, it's ok." A chocked sob escaped and he pulled the red-head into his arms. The last of her control broke and she began to shake as violent sobs wracked her small frame. He picked her up and sat her on his lap as he rocked her slowly while whispering soothing words into her ear. "Shhh. It'll be ok. Let it all out. I'm here. Shhh."

'Guess I'll learn to live with A different kind of pain I'm suffering from a sickness That I cannot give a name'

It was over an hour later before he released her from his comforting embrace, her tears spent. "It hurts." The words were so quiet that he would have missed them if it wasn't for his vampiric hearing. He was so surprised to hear her speaking that he couldn't reply right away.

"I know it does Will. But it will get better eventually, I promise. It may not seem like it now, but after a while, it doesn't hurt as much." He took her hand in his own and lead them out of the park. Her hand seemed smaller than he remembered as he held it in his larger one. He glanced over at her and looked her over carefully and realized she looked even thinner up close than he had thought she would.  "Will, when was the last time you had
something to eat?"

'Such a strange sensation I've never felt before Missing you has cut me to the core'

She looked at the ground, and remained quiet. He hadn't expected her to say anything, but he hoped she would at least respond. "Yesterday? Two days ago? Last week? The week before?" He crouched down so that he was looking into her face. "Longer?" He questioned, worry evident in his voice. "Tell me it hasn't been over two weeks?" He couldn't believe that she had lasted that long without eating. "The night you were kidnapped,
was that the last day you had something to eat?"

She nodded her head and he gave her hand a squeeze. "Have you been able to sleep?" He remembered the nights he had gone to her house to check on her, only to find her laying in bed, starring at the ceiling or the wall.  Only two or three times since Spike's visit had he seen her sleeping, and even then she was tossing and turning fretfully. Every other time he had checked on her, she was always awake.  The first couple of days, she had been sobbing loudly; but for the past week, she would just lay there, starring. Sometimes silent tears would make their way down her pale
cheeks, but other times she wouldn't even blink. He had to look closely to reassure himself that she was breathing. The small shake of her head
supported his assumption that not only had she not eaten, she had barely slept either.

'Where I used to have a heart Feels like a mile wide ditch I've got a hole inside the doctor just can't stitch Gone without a trace you left a
hollow place Tonight I stoned a mark Where I used to have a heart'

"You have to get some sleep. You can't keep this up." He said softly. "Promise me you'll try and get some sleep." She looked at him with a blank, empty expression and he shivered. "Please, Will, please try," his eyes watered as he begged. A faint nod was his only answer, but it was enough. They started walking again, but before they had made it a block, a loud scream shattered the silence.
 
 

Part 3: Lost

Willow and Angel headed towards the source of the cry as another pierced the night. When they reached the other side of the park, they ran
into a hysterical Cordelia. "Angel! Oh, help me, please! They... they're coming!" As Cordelia clung to Angel, he searched the dark street for any sign of a threat. Just when he was about to say that nothing was there, he caught sight of about half a dozen vampires running towards them.

"Will, take Cordelia to your house while I take care of them." Angel quickly instructed them. "I'll be by as soon as I'm done here."

'By the shadows of the night I go I move away from the crowded room That sea of shallow faces masked in warm regret'

Willow and Cordelia left as told and headed towards Willow's house. They were a few houses down from Willow's when a vampire came out of the shadows and grabbed Cordelia around the neck. The cheerleader struggled but was unable to free herself. Willow came up behind the vampire as he was preparing to bite the May Queen, and staked him.  When the dust settled, Willow took Cordelia's arm and lead her the rest of the way to her house.

Once they were both safely inside the house Willow went into the kitchen and got both of them a glass of water. Willow handed the glass to Cordelia and motioned for her to take a seat. However when she tried to sit down a sharp pain shot through the cheerleader.  Willow rushed over to her and helped her to sit down. Then she began inspecting her for any injuries. Several scrapes and bruises covered her arms and neck, but as the small red head continued her examination she noticed that the May Queen's shirt was starting to become soaked with blood. When Willow lifted the other girl's shirt, she found that the bandage covering her stitches was soaked through with blood.  Cordelia watched Willow as she looked over the wound and felt a twinge of sadness as she noticed for the fist time how thin and pale she was. Her face was drawn and her bones could be seen clearly.  Willow stood and went upstairs under her gaze, leaving the cheerleader on the couch.

'They don't know how to feel They don't know what is lost'

Cordelia was surprised when Willow came down a few minutes later with a first aid kit, several towels and another bag. She was even more surprised when the hacker proceeded to clean the blood off her stomach with a damp towel. Once Willow had the area clean she took off the bandage and cleaned the wound, then opened her bag and took out three small containers, several plastic bags, a mortar and pestle, and a bottle of slightly red liquid.

'Lost in the darkness of our lives Where all the hope is suffering Memories are taken by the hand But I don't have a hold on what is real What is
there to give or to believe'

The young witch then took the bags, and put some of the contents into the mortar: a small amount of leaves, some flowers, some powder and
a little bit of dried roots. After she ground them together she put the resulting powder into a larger bowl and added a few drops of the sour smelling red liquid and mixed it to form a sticky paste. Next she opened two of the containers, from which she scooped a spoon of clear gel, and two spoons of slightly brown gel that she added to the sticky pinkish green paste in the bowl. When she finished mixing it together, the paste/gel combination formed a light brown cream-like substance.  Finally, she opened the final jar to reveal a large amount of thick green goo, which was
emptied into the bowl and stirred in with what was already there. Several drops of the red liquid were added to thin the gel like cream. The now
sweet smelling salve was applied liberally to the May Queen's wound, which Willow then re-bandaged.

'I want it all to go away I want to be alone Sympathy is wasted on my hallow shell I feel there's nothing left to fight for No reason for a cause And I can't hear your voice And I can't feel you near'

Cordelia watched as the red-head put everything back into the bag and wet one of the other towels. This towel was then used to wipe the dirt off of the cuts, scraps and bruises along her arms and neck. After she finished, Willow took an unmarked tube out of the first aid kit and started to cover the cuts and scrapes with the clear gel. Cordelia flinched when the first amount of the cold gel was rubbed on, then hissed as is began to sting slightly.  However, by the time it was spread over all the small wounds, it had stopped stinging and had taken with it, all the pain the injuries had been causing. Before taking the towels, first aid kit, and bag back upstairs, Willow handed the cheerleader a clean T-shirt to replace her
blood caked blouse.

'Lost in the darkness, where all the hope turned to suffering'

The sound of the doorbell echoed throughout the house, and before Cordelia had left the couch, Willow appeared from a room in the back of the house and opened the door.  Angel followed Willow inside and saw Cordelia standing by the couch. "Did you guys get here ok?" Questioned the dark haired vampire, looking over the now clean brunette.

"Yeah. I'm fine. We ran into one of Sunnydale's neighborhood vamps on the way over, but Willow staked him, and we got inside before we had the chance to meet any other members of the fang gang."

"Good. You didn't get hurt did you?" Angel asked, worried as he looked back and forth between the two girls.

"I think I pulled my stitches, but Willow cleaned me up, so I'm fine."

"You might want to go to the doctor tomorrow and get them checked just to be safe," Angel suggested. "It's getting late. You probably shouldn't be out by yourself, I'll walk you home."

Angel and Cordelia stood and went out the door. Before they left Angel turned and took Willow's hand in his own. "Remember, try and get some sleep, and have something to eat. Please?" Willow nodded her head as her eyes meet Angel's; she then closed the door behind them, and locked it before going upstairs to get ready for bed.

'I wanted a change Knowing all I could is try I was looking for someone'
 
 

Part 4: Is There Life After Love

'Every road had a rainbow Every wish had a star Every tear had a shoulder to cry on Every night had it's arms'

She slowly stepped underneath the hot spray as the bathroom began to fill with steam.  As the water hit the base of her neck, just above her
shoulder blades, Willow relaxed, letting her head roll back and her arms hang loosely at her sides. Her hair soon became heavy with water, and the only sound she could hear was the constant drumming of the water hitting the porcelain bath tub.

Fifteen minutes later Willow turned off the water and stepped out of the shower.  After drying off, she wrapped the large brown towel tightly around herself. While she ran her brush through the wet strands of hair that hung against her shoulders, Willow's mind drifted. She thought of her friends. She knew that Buffy, Xander, and Giles were worried about her. She felt guilty that she was the cause of that worry, but couldn't seem to do anything about it. Despite the fact that they were her friends she was still surprised that they continued to try and include her, even after her
attempts at self-seclusion.

As much as Buffy, Xander and Giles surprised her, Angel surprised her more. The two were never really all that close of friends, but he was still trying to help her. She had to admit that out of everyone he was helping the most. She knew he had been following her.  Every night she could feel him watching her; always from a distance. His presence made her feel safe, without the claustrophobic, overwhelmed feeling she got when Buffy and Xander were around. Her friends were just trying to help, but sometimes she just wanted to be alone.

Pulling her now semi-dry hair into a low ponytail at the nape of her neck, she made her way into her bedroom where she slipped into an oversized navy blue T-shirt. As she closed her drawer she found herself looking into her dresser mirror. Her eyes seemed to encompass half of her face and the dark circles underneath them had darkened and grown.

Cordelia's face flashed before her eyes as she  remembered how the cheerleader had looked at her with wide, shocked eyes earlier as she had cleaned her wounds. The May Queen had been much nicer to her than Willow had expected her to be, considering what had happened only a little over two weeks before. She hated to admit it, but the hacker had actually begun to like to brunette. In spite of years of mutual hatred between the two, they had become some what of friends.  Tearing her eyes away from the mirror, the red-head walked over to her bed, and was about to turn off her lamp when she caught site of the framed picture on her night stand. It was taken about a month earlier; it was the whole gang, gathered together in the library. Cordelia stood next to Xander, Buffy next to her tweed-clad watcher, and Willow next to Oz.  The image tugged at her heart; a reminder of how things had been, and how they would no longer be.

'But every fool's a lonely fool And such a fool am I Cause every night I think of you And every night I die Is there life after love'

She had always been the type that dealt well with change, but lately, the amount of changes in her life had been compiling to the point where dealing was becoming more and more difficult. The last two weeks, a thick fog of depression had enveloped her like a blanket, letting nothing in except the guilt, pain, and loneliness that had surrounded her as of late. However, when she saw the picture, that hold on her loosened and she could no longer shut out the world around her.

Reality crashed head long into her: things would never be the same. She had lost her relationship with Oz, any relationship that she might have had with Cordelia; even her long friendship with Xander, and her slightly shorter friendship with Buffy were suffering.  Tears once again threatened to overwhelm her, and her entire body shook noticeably with the effort of controlling them. A tear fell slowly down her cheek and her mind began to drift back to the park and it was almost as if she could still feel Angel's strong arms encircling her, and his hard chest beneath her cheek.
When he had taken her into his embrace, lending her his strength; she had felt safe, at peace. She longed for that feeling again. She remembered how he had let her cry. He hadn't tried to make her talk about it, but if she had wanted to, she knew he would have listened.

His quiet words came back to her, ''It's ok to cry... let it all out... you don't have to be strong... I'm here...'' She decided to take his advice and let everything out. All the pain, frustration, fear, loneliness and helplessness that she felt poured from her as she let the tears fall. With a sudden, unexpected burst of anger, Willow reached out blindly for anything she could get to and threw it with all her strength. In a matter of minutes her normally neat and orderly room was virtually torn apart. Having run out of things to break she crawled onto her bed and began to beat her pillows against the bed and wall.

With her tears now streaming down her face, and her breath coming in shallow pants, the strength drained from her body. A heart wrenching cry tore from her lips as she slumped wearily onto her bed.

'You gave me forgiveness But you could not forget The truth lies between us'

Angel made his way slowly down the street as his mind raced. He didn't understand what was happening. When he first found out, that night, over two weeks ago, that Willow was missing, he was gripped with a fear so strong he couldn't explain it. Before that, when her doppleganger came to town, and he thought she had been turned, conflicting emotions overcame him. His soul was grief stricken, but his demon had rejoiced. Upon seeing her vampire counterpart, he could feel how much his demon wanted her; and no matter how much he tried, he couldn't deny that on some levels, where his vampiric nature ruled supreme, he wanted her too.

When he was with Buffy he could always feel his demon fighting against its cage, screaming at him to kill her. That lust for blood and violence always intensified when he was around people, but for some reason, it actually lessened when he was around the red-head. It was as if his demon excepted her. This reaction puzzled the dark haired vampire.  The only explanation he could think of was that because Willow had been the one to re-curse him, that that had somehow formed a link between her and his soul; thus explaining how her presence always seemed to subdue his demon, and give his soul strength in its never ending fight for control.

Ever since he returned from hell, things had been different between him and the 'scooby gang'. No one had excepted him at first. He feel into the pattern he had known before, almost immediately trying to get back into a relationship with Buffy, wanting desperately to feel wanted, needed, excepted. But even their love had changed. It seemed more forced, like he had to try to rekindle the feelings that had been there before. He wasn't the only one that had changed since she sent him to hell. Buffy was less comfortable around him, as if the memory of Angelus was always at the back of her mind. It seemed Angel was forgiven, but would Angelus ever be forgotten?

'And I can't take it back No, it's too late for lying now It's too late for that Is there life after love'

Silent tears fell continuously as Willow laid on her bed, her breath still unsteady.  However, these tears weren't for Oz, or anyone else, they were for her. For the little girl that died when she learned the frightening truth about what really lurked in the shadows. For the innocence that she lost, bit by bit, every day, every demon she fought and every monster she destroyed.

As she glanced around her room, her eyes feel on her collection of science fiction books, including several Anne Rice novels. Even when she was younger, she had harbored a hidden fascination for the mysterious creatures of the night. She had secretly found them sexy, alluring; in that dark, handsome, and mysterious way. Her diary could testify to this fact, as well as the fact that this particular secret had fed desires that all seemed to center on a certain dark, handsome, mysterious, broody creature of the night.

This train of thought brought back the vivid memories of his arms wrapped reassuringly around her, holding her close to him.  When he had sat her in his lap, rocking her as he whispered in her ear, with his deep, hypnotizing voice, she had felt calm, and peaceful, complete; for the first time in weeks. Even when she had been with Oz, it had been as if, in the back of her mind, she felt that something was lacking.

As she let the exhaustion take over, and sleep claim her, his face flashed before her.  She saw his concerned eyes, shining with what appeared to be tears, as he pleaded with her.  A small spark of hope ignited in her at the thought that he cared that much about her.

'Here I am, there you are We're so far apart'

As he made his way to Willow's house to check on her, Angel caught sight of Buffy, patrolling with Xander. He watched as the two shared a joke, and she hit the teen, playfully on the arm; her laughter carried to him on the night breeze. The dull pain in his chest whenever he saw her, had been becoming more bearable each day. During their exceptionally rocky relationship it seemed that they had broken up more times than they had
been together. When she had come to him after their encounter with Spike he hadn't been very surprised when she had broken up with him.
Although they wouldn't admit it, the relationship had been dying for a long time. They were growing apart, but neither would let go. Buffy and Xander turned a corner, and disappeared from view at about the same time he realized the amount of distance that had developed between the two. Before he could further explore this discovery, the small hacker's house came into view and he noticed that the light in her bedroom was still on.  Making his way up to her balcony door, all thoughts of his deteriorating relationship fled from his mind as his eyes found the form of the
red-head, curled up on her bed; sleeping soundly.

'Let's pretend that I've never been In his hands, in his heart'

Loud music pulsated from the speakers as Cordelia made her way around her room, getting ready for bed. Once she had buttoned her silk tank-top, and pulled on the matching baby blue silk shorts, she quickly ran a brush through her hair before sliding between her sky blue cotton sheets.
Laying on her side, she reached over to turn off her lamp when she accidentally knocked something off the small table. Leaning over the side of the bed, Cordelia picked up what turned out to be a picture frame. As she set it back on the table, she discovered it was a picture from earlier in the year. It was obviously taken in the library, and her chest tightened as she took in the sight of the only people she could ever have truthfully said were her friends. Giles stood behind the large wooden table, with Buffy, dressed in workout clothes next to him. Xander, in his mismatched shirt and pants sat on the table, smiling down at the May Queen who stood next to him, his arm around her shoulder. Oz sat in a chair on the
other side of the table, with Willow perched in his lap with his arms around her waist and her right arm draped over his shoulders.

Her eyes landed on herself and Xander for a moment before going over to rest on the hacker and wolf. She remembered vividly the sight of Willow and Xander entwined on the bed in the factory; replaying as she had several times in the past two weeks, Willow and Xander kissing. However, the image soon shifted to that of the library that afternoon, when she had ran into the small red-head. She couldn't seem to forget the hacker's face. The blank expression had surprised her. She hadn't paid much attention to her since the incident at the factory so she had been caught completely off guard by the changes in the slight girl.

She was remarkably thinner, and looked like she hadn't slept in weeks; which according to what Buffy and Xander had said, was true. At hearing the news of the witch's current state of heath, or lack there-of, she hadn't expected to feel sorry for her, and had most definitely not expected to feel guilty. But, remembering how the red-head had always been the pillar of optimism in the group, always seeming so innocent and light hearted, she once again felt sick to her stomach at how she had changed so drastically.

The thought, that perhaps an unnecessarily large amount of guilt due to her indiscretion with Xander, and both her and Oz's reaction might be the cause, was promptly shoved to the back of her mind. Placing the picture back on the small bed side table, and shutting off her lamp, Cordelia turned onto her side and feel asleep.

'Can't we just start All over again'

He watched her through the glass panes of her french doors as she slept. In all the times he had been to her house since the kidnapping, this was the first time he had actually seen her sleep. Sure, she had tossed and turned in fretful slumber, but she had never really slept. The sight of the small, frail form cuddled on the fluffy bedspread brought a twinge of sadness to his heart.

Letting his eyes wander around the room, he became aware of the normally orderly room's current state of disarray. Books were scattered around, and every surface was empty; its former contents having been carelessly thrown somewhere in the small bedroom. He could see the light reflecting off of some glass shards that had once been the glass covering the broken picture frame lying nearby. Feathers from a torn pillow still danced in the light breeze drifting in from the open window.

As he took in the destruction Willow had apparently caused, Angel wasn't sure whether to be proud or worried. The small girl had obviously decided to let herself express her emotions. The destruction of her room had proven to be a viable outlet for her pain and anger, but he knew from firsthand experience that once you allowed your emotions to surface, a floodgate opened through witch more repressed feeling were bond to flow. Without help or support, those emotions could easily overwhelm a person, and bury them beneath their sorrow and despair.

His attention was once again focused on the sleeping girl as she began to tremble slightly, and whimper softly. Not sure whether to violate the red-head's privacy, he hesitated momentarily on the threshold, but as another anguished moan escapes her lips, Angel opened the door, and made his way swiftly over to her shaking form. Kneeling beside her he noticed that her breathing had become ragged and her face was twisted into a mask of pain and profound sadness. Curled into the fetal position, clutching desperately to a tattered teddy bear, the young hacker looked more fragile than he had ever saw her before, and a feeling of helplessness sent a trimmer through the vampire's body.

Reaching out, he took one of her hands in his own while the other stroked her head in a soothing gesture. As he brushed a strand of hair out of her face, he recalled with vivid clarity, the feel of her in his arms as she cried.  Never before had he felt such an overwhelming urge to hold someone; but in that moment, all he wanted to do was gather her into his arms and cradle her against his chest until she no longer remembered what loneliness felt like. Instead, he settled for rubbing small circles over her back and running his thumb back and forth across the back of her hand. When she had begun to calm down he pulled the covers over her and turned off her lamp. However, he found that when he tried to remove his
hand from her grasp, she refused to let go. Leaning over, he placed a feather light kiss on her forehead and, releasing his hand, she snuggled deeper into her blankets. Walking slowly back out to the balcony, he closed the doors behind him and stole a glance at the now peacefully sleeping girl, he could have sworn he saw the faintest hint of a smile gracing her pale face.

'Is there life after love Is there life after love'
 

Part 5:

The loud music drifted out into the street as the teens of Sunnydale crowding into the small club. Cordelia Chase was among the dozens of
students making their way inside. As she neared the entrance, a dark form caught her eye off to the side. She made her way up to Angel hesitantly, not quite knowing what to say to him. "Angel?"

Cordelia's voice broke Angel from his thoughts and the vampire looked down at the cheerleader. The two stood for several seconds, staring at each other, neither knowing exactly what to say. Finally, Cordelia regained her voice, braking the awkward silence.

"So, Angel, how are you?" Only a slight waver betrayed her nervousness.

"I'm all right. You?" He gestured towards her stomach, and the bandage concealed beneath the fabric of her blouse.

"I'm doing better. I went to the doctor's and got the stitches redone a couple days ago. My doctor was a little surprised at how quickly it's
healing. He said that I should be able to get the stitches removed in just a few days. Which is great news considering they were supposed to stay in another week and a half."

"That's good."

Cordelia shifted uneasily from foot to foot as she considered how to ask the question that had been on her mind for days. "So, um, how's Willow?" Cordelia stuttered. "Have you seen her lately?" It had been a week since she'd been attacked and the red head had silently tended to her wounds, never once showing a single expression. Not having any classes with her that term, Cordelia had no idea what was going on with the hacker.

At Willow's name, Angel recalled how she had looked the night before, when he had made his routine stop at her house. His mind's eye saw her small form curled up, a tattered teddy bear held to her chest as she tossed and turned in restless slumber. Pulling himself out of his musing he looked into expectant brown eyes. "She's still not talking, but she's getting more sleep. I don't think she's eating much. Although she is eating,
so I guess it's progress." The dark haired vampire's normally melancholy tone was even more solemn as he discussed the hacker's condition.

"I take it she's still wearing her patent expressionless expression?" The concern in the brunette's voice was barely discernible; skillfully covered by her normal carefree, somewhat snobby overtones. *I don't really care how she is, she's a loser, I'm just being polite. So what if she's been nice to me no matter how bitchy I've been to her; or that she bandaged me up last week. Or that she's saved my life several times.* She thought to herself. *Of course it has nothing to do with the fact that you probably had something to do with her current state. And neither does the fact that you feel sorry for her,* A little voice in the back of her mind added. Cordelia promptly told that voice to shut up.

"She hasn't been very forthcoming with showing emotion if that's what you mean; but her walls are starting to crumble." He once again saw her as he had found her almost every night that week: huddled in a corner of her room, uncontrollable sobs echoing off the walls.  He noticed the slightly confused look in Cordelia's eyes and decided to elaborate. "She's been pretty much crying until she is absolutely exhausted, and then sleeping restlessly for the remainder of the night. It's been that way for almost a week now. I think she's having trouble keeping everything bottled up. I'm afraid that if she doesn't let it out soon, she's just going to get worse."

An unbidden shudder went though the May Queen as the thought of the witch even worse. This time she couldn't control the wave of guilt that overcame her at the vampire's confession. "She doesn't blame you, you shouldn't either." Her head snapped up at his quiet words. The denial died on her lips as looked into his eyes. Cordelia turned silently, but paused at the sound of his voice. "She needs all the friends she can get."

'Could have heard a pin drop When they walked through the door'

Angel watched as Cordelia hurriedly entered the Bronze. He'd never known her that  well, but he had always been a good judge of character. When he had first meet her, he saw in her a strength of character few people her age possessed, but at the same time, a fragile young woman. In the amount of time that he had seen and spoken to her in the last few weeks, his encounters with her had succeeded in supporting his original conclusions. While she appeared stuck up and self absorbed to most, Angel could see loneliness and fear in her eyes when she thought no one was looking. One of the reasons he could so easily notice the emotions she tried most to hide, was that they were also the emotions he tried hardest to conceal.

His thoughts were drawn away from the brunette when he noticed a group heading towards the club. Willow walked slowly behind her friends as they neared the Bronze. It had taken Buffy and Xander two hours to convince her to come and she was already regretting her decision. The two teens had talked animatedly the entire way, and had tried, unsuccessfully to include the red head in the conversation. The vampire watched the three teens approach him. He waited until Willow was right next to him, the other two several feet ahead, before alerting them to his presence.

"Will?" Angel's quiet voice startled Willow out of her thoughts, causing her to look up. Buffy heard her friend's name being called, and looked behind her, surprised to see her ex-boyfriend. Xander stopped when Buffy did, glancing back to see what had captured the blonde's attention. The slayer and her companion watched as the vampire asked their friend a series of questions, startled when they were actually accompanied by a response from the hacker. Deciding that their presence wasn't needed, they turned, and continued into the club, leaving the vampire and the witch outside.

Willow raised her head when she heard her name called, immediately recognizing the voice of the dark haired vampire. She took a step towards him as he immerged from the shadows. He brought his hand up to cup the side of her face, running his thumb across her cheekbone. The slightest sense of calm settled into the hacker as he continued the soothing gesture for several more moments.

"How have you been doing?" He asked softly, breaking the comfortable silence that was surrounding them. She shrugged her shoulders in response as he slowly let his hand slide down her arm, to take her hand in his own. "Have you been getting any sleep lately?"  He asked, looking her in the eye; although he knew that the red head had been having nightmares, and that her deepest slumber had consisted merely of a night of restless tossing and turning; he wanted to know what she would say.

She started to nod her head, but at the disbelieving look in his eyes, broke eye contact, and turned her head down to look at her shoes.

"You know, when I got back from hell, I had nightmares. It seemed that as soon as I closed my eyes they would start. I don't know how many times I'd wake up screaming. They were horrible. It got so bad, that I wouldn't sleep for days in a row, just so I wouldn't have another nightmare."
Willow looked back up, surprise and compassion glittering in her eyes. Hope surged in the vampire at the sight. It was the first sign of emotion besides pain and sorrow that he had seen in over three weeks.

"Did they go away?" She asked quietly. It had been a while since he had heard her speak, and to him, it was one of the best sounds that he had heard in a long time.

"It took a couple months, but yeah, they went away.  For about two or three months it seemed that they just kept getting worse. I felt so scared and guilty that for weeks and weeks I shut myself away. Then I started going out again, patrolling, helping Buffy occasionally, that type of thing. And they got a little better. The more I went out, the more I did, the less frequent the nightmares became." Some of the ever present tension seemed to leave her face at his statement.

"It's getting kind of late, and I'm sure Buffy and Xander are wondering where you are.  Maybe you should join them inside." She gave a small nod in reply as he pulled her in for a hug. His arms wrapped around her small form, holding her in his embrace for several second before stepping back and releasing her. Angel gave her hand a reassuring squeeze as she turned and slowly walked into the loud club.  The vampire stood there until she made it inside.  With one last glance at where she had stood, Angel silently made his way home; sheathed in shadow.

'Had to turn my eyes away My heart fell to the floor...'

Cordelia let her eyes travel over the dance floor as the teenage residents of Sunnydale gyrated to the pounding beat. She watched as one of her sheep danced with the lead scorer on the football team. *Lead scorer. In more ways than one. Have fun Katherine, he's worth at least three more diseases. At the rate that girl is going, she'll be caught up with Harmony in no time. Speaking of which, where is the little blonde bimbo?* The brunette once more scanned the club before finding the object of her search. Harmony was standing in front of the stage. The band had just finished their first set and was dispersing into the crowd for their ten minute break.

The May Queen turned her attention over to the door of the club as she waited for the bartender to return with her nonfat latte. As dozens of teens and twenty-somethings filed into the Bronze, Cordelia glanced over the faces, when one impeticular caught her eye. She was about to continue her appraisal of the incoming traffic when the individual she had been watching stopped suddenly, eyes locked on something behind the cheerleader's right shoulder.

Turning to look behind her, Crodelia's eyes grew wide as she realized what the person had been starring at. "Oh shit." The quiet exclamation fell from her lips as she glanced worriedly back over to the club entrance in time to see a flash of red as the young woman she had been watching ran over to the back corner of the building, and disappeared into the crowd.

'Just stood there smiling, Holding on to the one that took my place'

Willow slowly entered, her conversation with Angel still fresh in her mind. It was the first time the soulful vampire had spoken about his time in hell, or the months that had followed. Anything connected to it was a taboo topic. But he had opened up to her, shared his pain in an effort to ease hers. When he had shared with her his experiences, she felt as if she were special. She felt that maybe, she were needed, wanted. It had been a while since she had felt that way, and she liked it.

The Bronze was even more crowded than usual, and there were so many people that the small red head had to fight her way through the thick mass of bodies. She started searching the surrounding tables for the form of her friends but was unable to locate either Buffy, or Xander. She then began searching amongst the throng of withering bodies as they moved on the dance floor.

Blonde hair at the foot of the stage caught her attention, and she once again started to fight her way through the crowd. As the hacker approached the bar, the figure she had been heading towards turned in her direction. Stopping mid stride the world seemed to move in slow motion and her chest tightened. Willow's eyes stung as she struggled to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. Her vision began to blur as the nevitable happened and her eyes watered, bringing her dangerously close to crying in the middle of the packed club. Prying her eyes away from
the two people practically mauling each other in front of the stage, she forced her numb limbs to work as she ran across the club. The bathroom door slammed shut behind her and she found the room blessedly empty.

Angel's parting words rang in Cordelia's ears as she took in the sight of Harmony and the guitarist making out not twenty feet from where the young witch had stood. His deep timber reverberated through her mind, "She needs all the friends she can get." Putting down her drink, she headed in the direction Willow had gone. *What the hell, I need to check my hair anyway.*

'So tonight the heartache's on me Lets drink a toast to the fool who couldn't see Bartender pour the wine, 'cause the hurtin's all mine'

Despair hung heavily in the air as the red head shut the stall door and leaned against it. Her shoulders shook as silent tears made their way down her cheeks. She gasped for breath as the shear force of her pain made it almost impossible for her to get enough oxygen into her starving lungs. Hearing the door open, and someone enter, she renewed her efforts at controlling the cries that were escaping her lips.

Cordelia looked around the tiled room in search of the hacker. Noticing the pair of orange sneakers under one of the stall doors, she walked over to it, and knocked lightly.

"Willow?" Before Willow even had a chance to answer, the door opened once more.  Cordelia looked over to see who had come in, only to find herself face to face with the blonde responsible for the red head's current pain.

"Cordelia, hey. So, you, like, here with anybody tonight?"

"Hi Harmony. No, just here to hang out for a while."

"Oh. I'm sorry. I'm here with Oz, you know, the lead guitarist." Harmony gave a smug smile as she related her news to her fellow cheerleader. "I guess he finally decided to like dump that nerd he was going out with. I don't like know why he was with her to begin with. I mean, why would any guy want that little geek anyway? From what I hear, she's like so bad in the sack it just wasn't worth it anymore, so he got rid of her." With a sugary sweet smile, she finished reapplying her make up and left the bathroom. "Gotta go, Oz's waiting for me. Bye."

As soon as the door closed behind the blonde, loud sobs filled the room. Cordelia quickly went back over to the stall and knocked on it several times. "Willow? Are you ok?"

After taking a couple deep breaths the small red head emerged from the stall. Her face was red, and her eyes were puffy from crying. Wet tear tracks were still visible as she splashed her face with cold water in an attempt to get rid of some of the evidence left from her weeping. After drying her face off, Willow started walking to the door, but a hand on her shoulder stopped her.

"You know, Harmony's just being a bitch. Don't listen to anything she says."

Cordelia gave the hacker a small smile and let go of Willow shoulder, allowing her to leave the bathroom. After quickly checking her hair and make up in the mirror, Cordelia exited as well.

Harmony's words echoed in the cheerleader's mind as she headed back over to the bar. *I can't believe she said that. I can't believe Oz told her that. I always thought that he really loved Willow, but apparently not. I mean, who would have guessed that someone who was always so calm and amicable could be such a vindictive, spiteful ass. Huh.* The tall brunette was so absorbed in her thoughts that she didn't see the small red head in front of her.  That was probably why the normally graceful Cordelia Chase ran right into her.

Glancing up to see why the girl wasn't moving, the May Queen found herself looking into the face of the Dingo's lead guitarist. The currently purple haired teen had his arm around Harmony's waist and was glaring at the young witch who was still frozen in the middle of the bustling club. Cordelia couldn't see the face of the girl standing in front of her, but from the fact that the hacker was shacking slightly and her breath was ragged, the
cheerleader could tell Willow was on the verge of tears once more.

"Hey, Will, weren't you supposed to go to meet Angel tonight?" Cordelia was usually pretty good at reading people's faces, and this was one of those times. Jealousy was evident in Oz's eyes when she had asked the witch about Angel, but it was quickly masked with contempt as he looked between Willow and the May Queen.

"It's almost 10:00, you should probably go. I know you don't want to be late." She caught the slightly confused look in the young woman's green eyes when she looked back at her, but hoped the red head would take the hint, and go outside. Cordelia was relieved when Willow just nodded her head and quietly walked towards the door.

'I wonder if he told her, She's the best he's ever known The way he told me every night, When we were all alone'

After making sure that Willow was out of hearing rang, the brunette turned her attention back to Oz, who was in the process of giving Harmony a large hickey on her neck.

"Get a room. You guys are disgusting." Giving them both the most resentful look she could muster, she switched her gaze back to the guitar player. "You know, Oz, we really thought you were a nice guy. I don't think we could have been more wrong. You are a lying, hypocritical bastard who doesn't care about anyone's feelings but your own." With one last glare in their direction, Cordelia walked over to the bar.

'But tonight the heartache's on me, Lets drink a toast to the fool who couldn't see Bartender pour the wine 'Cause the hurtin's all mine'

Quickly drinking her latte and grabbing her coat, the cheerleader followed the path Willow had taken only a few minutes earlier. Upon exiting the Bronze, she began searching the surrounding area for the small hacker. Noticing someone sitting on a bench half a block away, she headed in that direction. "Willow?" Unsure if the girl in front of her was the one she was looking for, Cordelia cautiously approached the seated figure.

The young woman looked up at the sound of her name and was slightly surprised to see Cordelia standing hesitantly by the bench. "You ok?" She could see Willow's lower lip trembling and was fairly certain that the red head was trying not to cry. Sympathy made its way through her as she watched Willow bite her lip in an attempt at stopping it.

"Look, Willow, it's pretty late, and we both know how safe it is to be outside at night in Sunnydale. Maybe you should head home." Fully intending on walking the distraught hacker to her house, she couldn't help but notice the desolate, hopeless air surrounding the witch. *She's really upset, being alone is not exactly the best thing for her at this point.* For the second time that night Angel's words floated through her mind, "..if she doesn't let it out soon, she's just going to get worse... She needs all the friends she can get." With a sigh, Cordelia sat next to Willow on the bench.

"Look, I'd really rather not walk all the way to your house at this time of night, and neither one of use should be walking by ourselves anyway. My house is closer than yours is, why don't you just come over to my house tonight. I know it's a school night and all, but we do go to the same school so it shouldn't be a problem." Shock was evident on Willow's face at the brunette's suggestion. "Come on, the longer we're out here, the more likely we'll run into one of the resident bloodsuckers." Taking the hacker's hand, Cordelia stood and led the way to her house.

He watched from the shadows as the two girls walked down the street. He had seen Willow exit the dance club and had been about to go over and see how she was, when the cheerleader came out and went over to her instead.  Angel was glad his earlier words had made an impression on the May Queen. He knew she wanted to help Willow, but he also knew that she would need a little push before she would actually do so. A slight smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as he turned and disappeared into the night.

'Yes, tonight the heartache's on me.'

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