AUTHOR: Susie: susanne@zoom.co.uk
DISCLAIMER: None or mine, only the basic plot. I know it’s hard to believe isn’t it? lol!! Joss and other people actually own it all!!
DISTRIBUTION: My site, I am evil hear me roar: http://evilroaring.cjb.net
Vampire and Tellie can have it if they want, anyone else ask
me okies?
SPOILERS: Season 1 Angel.
RATING: 15
SUMMARY: Ok, things happened differently to the original version of
Season 1 Angel. Cordy and Wesley were killed by that demon
Wolfram and Hart raised. Angel had to live with the consequences.
DEDICATION: To Vampie….I was inspired to write this after reading her
fic, ‘The Fallen Childe’ you know the one where Spike died
from AIDS!! Anyway I go this from that, the whole Angel torment thing!!
So thanks pet!!!
SOULFUL VENGEANCE.
Death. Death is all I see. I look at love, at happiness, at friendship
and all I see is death. I don’t want to but I need to. They’re both dead.
There was nothing I could have done. Death claimed them both. It was
all my fault, I had to sit and watch Cordelia die. Her frail body slowly
shutting down unable to handle the torturous torment put up on her
for me. The visions were for me. She died for me. I sat by her bedside,
holding her hand, praying that she would live. I promised to walk out
of her life, to let her have a normal life, I wouldn’t let her back into
the
office if I had to, she deserved so much more. She deserved love, success,
freedom; she did not deserve the mind numbing visions for a
vampire with a soul. A soul that only enhances my guilt over what’s
happened, a soul that allows death back into my life, death at my own
hand. I kill, I grieve, I hate, I seek vengeance.
Wesley died for me also. He was translating the scroll; he was dead
before I could get to him. I ran into the burning building that had once
been so full of life, now only death lived there. I saw his dead body
lying on the stairs he was trying to get away, trying to live and all he
found
was death. I carried him outside; his dead body seemed no weight at
all compared to the weight of the guilt my soul felt. He was dead
because of me. He was dead for me. I had for the briefest of moments
allowed them into my life, allowed myself to love them, to need them.
Allowed myself to live. Now they were dead. I could no longer deny
the fact that I too was dead, not just physically, as in being a vampire
and
having no pulse, but I was now truly dead inside, not even the soul
could help me now.
I vowed vengeance from that day forward. Six months later it was the vengeance that was keeping me alive. Until it happened again.
A normal night, death, mayhem, destruction. I killed to forget, no longer
out to help people, but to help me. I was the hopeless, I killed when I
thought it necessary and that was always. Then it caught my eye….
A flash of red hair.
I wasn’t going to follow her; I wasn’t going to let myself care, to
let her in. I couldn’t allow myself to get hurt like before. She was running,
running towards me. I saw the startled look on her face as she skidded
to a halt in front of me. I can only imagine what she thought when she
looked at me. I had just been fighting, killing, living. I had blood
all over me, some my own, most of it not. I knew my demon face, my true
face
was what she saw, I rarely tried to fool myself that I was human these
days. She just stared at me and I at her. Then she stammered.
"I…I…I’ve been looking for you."
"You found me." I spoke gruffly I know, but I couldn’t let her in, I couldn’t let myself care.
"I…I was worried. Are you o…ok…Angel?" She whispered my name; not only
asking the question but checking that it was still me. Who
could blame her really? Had Angelus come back out another time? Was
she going to be killed right where she stood?
"Yeah." I answered both of her questions with one word. One word that
seemed to reach my heart. I was touched by her kindness, by her
persistence. She had called most days trying to get me to talk about
what had happened, to open up to her, to let go of the death of Cordelia
and Wesley, but I couldn’t. Finally I had unplugged the phone. I didn’t
want nor need anyone. I couldn’t handle the pain they would bring with
them. I thought she would have given up, but I was wrong. She was standing
right in front of me…wasn’t she?
I blinked. She was gone. Wildly I looked around. She had been there,
but now she was being slammed against a wall with a vampire’s fangs
dangerously close to her neck. I couldn’t care. I didn’t want to care.
I watched as she fought, she pushed and shoved and screamed. I saw
her pain on her face, I saw her emerald eyes look at me, and that was
all it took. I didn’t want to care but I *could* care. She needed me
whether I needed her or not. I grabbed the vampire by the scruff of
the neck and threw him to the ground. Blood oozed down his chin as he
blinked in shock at me.
"Don’t mess with what is mine." I ground the threat out from clenched
teeth, delivering each word with a bone crunching punch in his face. I
wanted him to suffer for what he had done, for what he had attempted
to do, but I didn’t have the time. As quick as he entered the alley he
exited it – in a pile of ash.
Panting I turned, expecting to see her looking at me, but she wasn’t.
My heart that had been closed for so long suddenly opened as I saw her
lying on the ground unconscious. She was still alive, bearly. I cradled
her head in my lap begging, praying that she would live. I couldn’t go
on
if someone else died. Tears fell down my cheeks as I realised where
my vengeance had taken me.
THE END