SERIES: Passing Time (POV #3-- Liam)
AUTHOR: Tisienne Blue
E-MAIL: tisatko@msn.com
RATING: R-ish for this one.
PAIRING: A/W/Liam
DISCLAIMER: Joss owns everyone you know from TV, and I am NOT he!!!
DISTRIBUTION: Charity and Jen:) can have it, as can anyone else I've said yes to. Otherwise-- ask, and I'll probably say 'fine'...
FEEDBACK: would be the whole point, right???
DEDICATIONS: to Di, for the challenge... also: Nutmeg, Ali, Tania, and Kim-- for telling me they liked Cordy's POV piece (Freaked)...
NOTES: Liam's reflections on his life to date.
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I feel like I'm stumbling my way through. It's not a feeling I particularly like. I mean, I'm a Warrior, chosen to fight for the Powers and make the world safer for humanity, and... I've already failed once. I don't think my... lovers... understand that, though. Oh, I'm sure they get it intellectually, but... emotionally? How *could* they? How could they even begin to know what it's like to watch your world *die* because you just *weren't* *good* *enough*?
Now, Angel, of course, thinks he's got a handle on *everything*, and I haven't really figured out yet whether that's because he's so used to being the 'been-there, done-that' vampire, or if it's due to some strange flaw from his human days. And *yes*, I said *flaw*. Because it *is* one. Age doesn't grant a person omniscience, believe me, I *know*! And, okay, maybe he generally has cause to be that touch patronizing that I don't think he even realizes he's being most of the time, but... not with *me* he doesn't! I'm just as old as *he* is, and... I may even know *more*, mostly due to the fact that I didn't *take* a hundred and some years off to run around being all evil, and fucking anything with two legs that happened to walk by... Well, okay, but I *still* wasn't all... *evil*! But... he's a good guy, in general, even *with* that pesky demon of his, and... Oh, fine, I admit it, he's sexy as all hell. And he's *me*, in an odd sort of way, so... I put up with his little quirks and condescensions, because... I guess I love him. Not as much as I love *Willow*, though, and... that's a whole other story.
Willow. Now, what can I say about Willow? I mean, granted-- perfect, smart, funny, and yet... endearingly unsure of herself in this world! I think that's the thing that's surprised me the most in the few days I've known her.
Funny... it doesn't *seem* like only a few days since my life turned upside down, but... that's all it's been. But I was talking about Willow.
She's different. *Completely* different, exterior aside. *This* Willow's a hacker... and she works!... with Angel and Cordelia! I mean, she has an actual *job*! One that she *goes* to! And okay, she lives at her place of business, but still! She gets up in the... huh, I was going to say morning, but that's not right... She gets up in the afternoon, and puts on *work* *clothes*, and she sits at a desk, and researches, and hacks, and does whatever else it is that she does, and... it's astonishing to me!
Of course, she's also shy, until she's comfortable with you, and even when she *has* gotten to know you, that... uncertainty still pops up from time to time. She has this sweet little smile that barely twitches at the corners of her lips when she's feeling particularly tentative, and another one that sort of... crinkles the edges of her nose, and the both of them just... floor me! She's so much more than I ever thought she could possibly be... and maybe that's because I was judging her in comparison with *my* world's version of her.
I know, that sounds kind of harsh, but... you have to understand. *My* world's Willow wasn't anything *like* this one. Oh, sure, she was smart, and funny, and more beautiful than anything I'd ever seen before, but... She was harder... more self-contained. Now, I'm *not* saying that she was introverted, because she really, *really* wasn't, but... She had a hard time letting anyone in. I mean, we were drawn to love each other in an *instant*, and it *still* took over a year before she let me see what made her tick! She was very much in control of what she wanted, and she always, I think, knew *just* how to get it! But she was soft, too, and kind, when she wanted to be, and... I wouldn't have changed her for the world. Of course, I *didn't*, because she died, and that world died not long after, but... that's not the point.
For what seemed like forever, I knew I'd always be alone. I was reconciled to it, I think. But Mathry sent me here, and... I found myself in that alley, and... Once Angel stopped beating me, I saw her, and... I was found.
The funny thing is, I didn't even know I was *lost* until then, but I was... I must have been, or being found wouldn't have made any difference at all! But she picked me up, and brushed me off-- figuratively-- and dragged me into this new world! And it was that first night, when she let me cry myself to sleep in her arms, that I truly *saw* her, and... I knew, and I was... Well, I suppose I was caught between being elated and horrified.
Elated, because... *this* Willow would let me love her completely, if I could just get her to let me in to her heart, and she already *knew* about the darkness in the world, so I wouldn't have to try to convince her. *My* world's Willow had been sure, for the longest time, that I was just... insane, and it had taken graphic and violent proof to convince her otherwise.
And I was horrified, because... I'd never thought to love *anyone* again, and to find myself falling deeper and harder than I ever had before, and for someone who looked just like my dead girlfriend? Well, that was not only a bit... creepy, but... kind of twisted, as well!
Of course, there was nothing for it, because as my dear Mother used to say when I was but a lad, 'We can choose our friends, but family and loves are given to us by the Gods... we just have to make the best of things, and hope that They know what They're doing!' Now, I always figured that she knew what she was talking about, because... who in their right mind would have deliberately *chosen* to love my Father, prick that he was? On the other hand, it's just as well that she did, or I wouldn't even *be* here, would I? So... I loved this new Willow, and there was no going back.
Pursuing her was difficult, of course, what with the way Angel-- her self-declared 'best friend'-- kept watching me. I was sure, for a while there, that he hated me, but... I was being stupid, I guess, because... how could he hate himself? It wasn't until he and I had our little 'talk', after he saw the Oracles, that I understood what his problem was, though.
He was jealous! The big, dumb, fiendishly handsome bastard was *jealous*! He'd had her all to himself for years, and now he was worried because a human version of him was around! I think he was afraid that I'd sweep her off her feet, and drag her into the sunlight where he couldn't follow, but... I've never been a moron. *I* knew, even if *he* didn't, that the girl I wanted wanted *him*, and... She would have been miserable without him.
Honestly, that knowledge rankled a bit, but what could I do? So I agreed to his little 'proposition', and volunteered the 'lunar month' time limit, because... If I couldn't convince him that she really needed the *both* of us in that amount of time? Well, it would be a lost cause. Of course, I didn't expect him to move on her quite as quickly as he did, but... that's neither here nor there, although I *will* say that I was a little... upset that she'd accepted him so easily. Then again, as I've since discovered, when *this* Willow gives her heart, she doesn't hold anything back, and... I just feel *lucky*... and *blessed*, even, that she's chosen to give part of it to *me*!
Because she *has*, you know, and I knew it even before she knew it herself. I knew it the moment she let me take her to bed, and... it was incredible! To be deep within her, feeling her tight against me, was... a kind of bliss I'd never known, not even with... well, no need to repeat myself. And now... now there's Angel, too, and he's just as much a part of me as *she* is, and... I don't know how I ever thought I was happy before, unless it was because I didn't know what I was missing! But I do *now*, and no matter what happens, I refuse to lose them... *either* of them! They make me whole, fill voids within me that I didn't even know were there, and... I'm not willing to lose that.
Of course, it may be out of my hands, because... I think I may have been lying to them. Oh, not on *purpose*, but... His bite is still there... It should have healed in *moments*, but it's *still* *there*! And if I'm not healing right anymore, then... maybe I'm not *Eternal* anymore...? And if that's the case, then... maybe the other night, with Willow, wasn't quite as *safe* as I told her it was.
And that's my dilemma at the moment, you see... How do I tell her... tell *them*? What do I *say*? How do I tell my lovers that I may well have inadvertently impregnated one of them? And how do I make it clear that... even if I *did*, I don't want things to change between the three of us? Because I *know* how Angel's gonna react... it's the same way *I'd* react in his place... And would Willow even *want* to have a baby... or more specifically, *my* baby...?
So, I feel like I'm stumbling, and falling... towards what, or away from what, I don't know. I guess I'm just... fumbling in the dark here, hoping for some kind of a light.
End.