SERIES: Passing Time (POV#4-- Willow)

AUTHOR: Tisienne Blue

E-MAIL: tisatko@msn.com

DISCLAIMER: I own none of these people. They are all Joss'.

RATING: R-ish for this, I think.

PAIRINGS: W/W/Liam; S/C.

DISTRIBUTION: Charity's site, of course... and MINE, once it's up and running... If I told you yes before, have at it. Otherwise, ask.

FEEDBACK: would be nice; I haven't been hearing much lately. Are we tired of this one???

DEDICATIONS: to Di (for the challenge), and Di, Nat, and Myst (for listening to me ramble...) Also to: Nutty, Susi, Ali, and Susie... thanks for the feedback!!! Also to Jeannette (she's a Goddess, you know...)

NOTES: 2007; Slutty's dead. Willow lives at the Hyperion with her Mates (Angel and Liam-- Liam is an alternate timeline version of Angel, although he's human... but Eternal.)

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I remember, years ago, hearing this song one night at the Bronze. It was one of those silly '80s- night' things, and all the music was stuff I'd never heard of before, but... for some reason, this *particular* song stuck in my head. Maybe it was because that was the summer Buffy disappeared. Of course, it could also be because I was pretty sure she'd managed to send Angel to Hell before she did...

But anyway. I don't remember-- if I ever knew-- who *did* the song, but... with what I suspected had happened at the old mansion? It bothered me in ways I can't even begin to explain. I can still hear the chorus echoing in my brain. 'Hell is for children', it was... and I remember hoping desperately that it was right, because... *Angel*! If he had been sent there, I wanted so much for it to be... not as bad as I *thought* it was. He was the *last* person who deserved that, you know. Angelus, yes; Angel...? *No*!

But deserving or not, that's exactly where he ended up.

Now, I'm not gonna lie, and say that I was all hearts and flowers when he came back, but... I never really resented him as much as I pretended to. *I* always understood the difference between Angel and his demon, even if no one else did... other than Buffy, I mean, because this was one case where her deliberate blindness worked well. And I know that I shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but... for a Slayer, she was surprisingly oblivious to reality at times. But she's gone now, so that's not even important any more.

What *is* important is... Angel *did* come back. And Buffy found him, and ultimately, *she* was the one who brought him back to himself, and... I'll always owe her for that.

He came back, and healed a little, and then he *left*! He took off, leaving Buffy-- the great love of his life... existence... whatever-- and went to Los Angeles! He never even said goodbye! I would have been mad at him for that, but... just a week or so after he left, he called me. I was his pipeline to the things happening in Sunnydale, or at least that's what he told me, and I never even noticed it when our conversations stopped being about what was going on in my home town, and started being just... comfortable... friendly. It was like... there was nothing we couldn't tell each other, and I needed that! I'd had something similar with Xander, of course, but... there were things my best friend would never be comfortable knowing about me, and Angel? Well, Angel had seen so much in his lifetime that he didn't judge; he just... listened. And maybe that's when my little 'crush' started to change.

Still, there was the whole Tara thing. I'd always thought she was a nice, shy girl... powerful in the magics of our kind. And that's exactly what she *seemed* to be! I even thought-- after a while-- that I *loved* her! But she had an agenda all her own, and... once she'd bound my heart tightly to her, she'd tried leading me down a path of darkness the likes of which I'd never even *imagined*, much less *seen*! And believe me when I say that it took all the emotional support Angel could give me to pull myself back from that particular edge. It made me appreciate him even more, though.

Now, okay, maybe I'm being a bad, naughty Willow, but... I love him. I mean, sure... he was always the older, way handsome, mysterious guy, but... he was also Buffy's from day one, and I never really let myself imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes as far as Angel went. But he left her, and then-- after a while-- she died, and... I moved to LA.

I *thought* I was fine! I *still* thought it was just a little *crush*! But obviously, I wasn't quite as smart as I thought I was, because... even *Cordelia* knew better! Apparently, I'd been throwing out 'signals' for years! Which is okay, I guess, because it's ended up working out pretty well. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. I was talking about how it all started.

So, okay, I moved to LA, and Angel put me up in a nice suite of rooms, right down the hall from his own, and... it drove me *crazy*! Of course, at first it was fine, 'cause I knew he'd go all Angelus-y again if he ever got what Xander used to call a 'happy', and I could console myself with the thought that while *I* couldn't have him, well... neither could anyone *else*, and... I know that sounds petty, but I was younger then, and... Oh, hell, that's no excuse. I guess I was just glad that *no* *one* could be with him, if *I* couldn't. And that should have clued me to the fact that it was no little 'crush' I had! But it didn't.

I could have gone on that way for *years*, but then the Gods-be-damned Powers That Be had to step in and screw with my world again. They affixed his soul *permanently*, and... for almost a month, there, I had no idea of how to act around him!

I mean, he was still *Angel*... still my *friend*, and regardless of what *I* may have wanted, he didn't treat me any differently at all! Oh, sure, every once in a while I'd catch him looking at me... *strangely*, but... I honestly believed that I couldn't possibly be seeing what I *thought* I saw. After all, why would he be interested in me? In 'that way', I mean. I was still-- regardless of the things I'd been through since moving into the Hotel-- just *Willow*! And he's such a beautiful creature... why would he ever want *me*? But we did become closer as friends. He started spending more time with me during our little bit of 'down time', and... I *loved* it!

I loved the fact that I could count on him to sit watching movies with me, and every time we watched that 'Titanic' thing, I wondered if he'd ever realize that the reason I liked it so much was because it was about a relationship that was doomed from the start... That it was about a girl who'd had the misfortune to fall for exactly the *wrong* guy... A guy who was charming, and smooth, and just exactly right for her... A guy who made her feel like she was the most perfect thing ever, just by virtue of spending time with her. A guy she could never spend her life with.

I don't think he ever saw the parallels, but *I* did, and... looking back, that was yet *another* thing that should have clued me to the fact that my feelings were just a bit deeper than I'd admitted to myself. But it didn't.

And then there were all those Saturday mornings. I'd get up early-- or more likely, just *stay* up if we'd been out late, hunting-- and I'd sit on the couch watching cartoons. I'd always liked doing that... still do, to tell you the truth... and after I'd been at the Hyperion for a good five or six months, Angel had started to join me. It took a while to explain most of the shows to him, but... once he understood what was going on, he started laughing a lot, and enjoying them! And let me tell you, a smiling, happy Angel is *so* a thing of beauty!

But still, I couldn't say anything to him about how I felt, and even if I *could* have, I wouldn't have dared. He was my *friend*, and as far as I knew, that was *all* he was. He'd never given me any sign of being interested in anything more, and... I told myself it was bad enough that I was having all these secret longings for him. Maybe if I hadn't been such a scaredy-cat we would have been together a long time ago, but... No, it worked out for the best. If Angel and I had gotten together sooner, there would be no Liam in our lives, making us both feel so whole... and I'm getting ahead of myself again.

So there we were. We fought the big evil with Cordy, Gunn, and Wesley, and we did very well at it, too! And if I sometimes wished for someone to share my life with...? Well, so what? I went on dates sometimes, and Cordelia would take me out clubbing with her at least once a week, so my life wasn't anywhere near as empty as you might think.

But none of the guys I went out with ever managed to touch me. Not emotionally, anyway, and none of them lasted very long with me. Of course, I think now, maybe Angel had something to do with that. It's funny, but I never noticed it at the time... He has this way of... somehow making you see all the inadequacies of a person, all without ever saying a single bad thing about them! It must be something he's learned in the two and a half centuries he's been around, because... I still don't know how he does it! But he definitely does it *well*!

So, okay, over five *years* of no real contact with *anyone*-- not in an intimate sense, anyway-- and I've gotta say... I was one *frustrated* witch! And *Angel* was no help at *all*! He just stood back and watched while I seethed and yearned, and *wanted*! I think I always knew, deep down inside, just who I was waiting for, but... what could I do? What could I say? He was my best friend, after all, Xander having cut me off when I left Sunnydale-- apparently his hatred of Angel was much more deeply-seated than I'd known... but I'd spent enough of my life seeking approval, and I left anyway, never thinking that my life-long friend could be serious, but he was. I missed him for years, but... that's neither here nor there, and if there's still a small void in my heart that Xander used to fill...? Well, we all have our sorrows, and I can't make myself regret my choice.

But in any case, there I was-- surrounded by people, but feeling completely alone, all the same. That's why I went on that date with Jeremy.

In the beginning, he seemed like a nice enough guy, and he was good looking enough to stop traffic-- if the traffic was made up entirely of women, anyway-- so I went shopping with Cordy, and went on a *date*! It was my first date in over a year, and I was determined to enjoy myself! It wasn't like I thought he was 'the one', or anything, but... I figured it'd be *fun*! And it was, at first!

Dinner was great; Jeremy and I actually had a conversation, and... it was refreshing to talk with someone over a meal, and *not* have the talking be about demons or decapitation. But then we went to the club, and he started drinking, and the next thing *I* knew? He was humping my leg on the dance floor, all the while telling me-- in graphic detail-- about what he was going to do to me when we left!

Well, obviously, I wasn't having *any* of that, and it was a very simple matter of grabbing hard at the portion of his anatomy that was rubbing against me and... *squeezing*, to make it clear to him. I was nothing but relieved when he limped away, and I actually had a good time after that! There were a fair number of single, attractive, *not* grabby guys there, and for some reason, a lot of them wanted to dance with me! I must have been offered at least five phone numbers! I didn't take any of them, though. What with the way Jeremy had acted, I'd pretty much decided that I'd had enough of dating for a while.

Then I left, and I saw Angel going into that alley, and I followed him and found Liam, and... I'm not gonna go into detail, but... Liam. Can we say 'yum'? I mean, okay, *exactly* like Angel in the looks department, but otherwise? Well, he's much lighter inside than Angel could *ever* be, which stands to reason, I suppose, what with his never being a vampire, and all. And he's less guarded, too. Liam will say pretty much whatever he's thinking, and... I have to admit that I found that appealing from the very beginning.

Of course, I also find Angel's taciturn, laconic ways to be just as much of a turn-on... but the thing about Liam is... once I understood that he wanted me, I started thinking that... maybe *this* one I could actually *have*! I'd need to give him time to realize that I wasn't like the Willow from *his* world, but... I thought it might work out, and he was so cast adrift in our world! He didn't know *anyone*; didn't know much at all! And wonder of wonders, he actually *admitted* it! He didn't even try to pretend that he knew what was going on; he just smiled sadly and asked for information! He *needed* me, and... I think that was the biggest turn-on of all.

So I was almost happy, and then Angel had to go turning my entire world upside-down with his big, cool hands, and his firm, sensitive mouth, and suddenly...? I didn't know *what* I was doing!

When you're used to relying on your own brain, and it goes on vacation rather unexpectedly, well... Trust me when I say it sends you *reeling*! And it did, because... there I was, all of a sudden more confused than I think I'd *ever* been. Even back when I was trying to understand what I was feeling for the oddly shy blonde girl in my wicca group, I hadn't been *this* disturbed! I mean, there I was-- boring little Willow-- and I apparently had not one, but *two* guys wanting me! And the fact that they both were the exact picture of what I wanted, myself, didn't help at all!

I *still* don't know what ever possessed me to go along with Cordelia's suggestion, but... I had an opportunity to have the *both* of them, and I decided that I'd be *damned* before I would let the chance pass me by. It could have worked out badly; I *know* that, but... somehow...? Well, somehow, it *didn't*. Somehow, it's become something that I never expected, but welcome, none the less.

They're my *Mates*. *Both* of them. They fulfill me in ways I never even knew existed. And everything we've been through so far... emotionally, physically, and with the Powers' little 'test' of our mettle... it's all been *worth* *it*! I'd do it again in a hot second.

So, why am I feeling so... out of place right now...? It's simple, really. There's something *wrong* with me. And I know Angel's old friend Whistler thinks it's 'cause of the bond between me and my Mates, but I don't know that he's entirely right.

Oh, sure, I felt a little bit better-- almost immediately-- when the guys fed me their combined blood, but... I think there's something more going on here; I'm *sure* of it! And I'm also sure that Angel and Liam know what it is. For whatever reason, they don't want to tell me, though, and... I don't know how to ask. I don't want to just come flat out and say it, because... 'Hey, guys, I know you're hiding something from me; why don't you tell me what it is?' just sounds too... accusing, and I don't want them to think I don't trust them, but... Maybe I don't. Maybe a part of me is still wondering what either of them could ever see in me, and maybe I'm just... afraid of what's happening to me, and what it could mean.

I love them both, you know. Not equally, but... I *do* love them *both*! And every time they come into our room and sit on the bed with me, I wonder if they'll be all right if something happens to me. If this thing-- whatever it is-- changes me, or ends me entirely, I hope they'll manage to go on loving each other... but I can't tell *them* that.

I can't tell them that I think I might die, here; I can't say, out loud, that I feel like I'm fading and fading fast, because... I know my Mates. Whatever happens here, they're each bound to blame themselves for it, and I don't know how to stop them!

But maybe I'm wrong. It's possible. I could wake up tomorrow feeling just fine, and all these... *thoughts* will seem like the muddled ramblings of a confused little girl. I hope so, but until then... I don't know what to say, and so I say... *nothing*, and I *wait*. I'll find out what's going on eventually, I'm sure... I just hope it's not too late when I *do*.

End.
 

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