* = Emphasis
             { = Thoughts
             << = Songs

             ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

             ~1~ A Cold November Rain

             <<When I look into your eyes
             I can see a love restrained>>

             "My Dearest Buffy,              November 23, 2002
                     Life in Sunnydale just keeps getting harder. I don't know if it's because
             you're not here along side me, or if it's because everything has changed so
             much. Xander and Anya pretty much ignore me now. Giles and Olivia are moving
             back to England. I'm pretty much on my own here now. I wish I could say that
             things here are only getting better, but they're not. Everything seems like
             it's collapsing, and I'm right in the middle of it all."

             <<But darlin' when I hold you
             Don't you know I feel the same>>

                     "I hope all is well in L.A. Lord knows I wish I could be there right now.
             It sure beats this place.
                     Buffy, everyone around here is going *insane.* I mean, there seems
             to be so much love, and anticipation in the air, that no one can seem to
             stop it. People are getting married almost every day of the week, but then
             there are also funerals taking place. I wish I knew what it was, so I could
             know that I wouldn't end up in the middle."

             <<'Cause nothin' lasts forever
             And we both know hearts can change>>

                     "How are things there? Is everything going ok for you? I hope Angel and
             Spike are taking good care of you. I had a dream the other night that Angel
             *actually* loved me. Weird, huh? But, I remember what you said the night we
             knew it was best for me to come back home: 'If Angel loved you, he would
             have proven it by now. Don't waste your time on something that may never
             happen.' I'm taking your advice, for once, Buffy. I'm giving up on Angel."

             <<And it's hard to hold a candle
             In the cold November rain>>

                     "Oz and Tara came by for a visit today. They seem happy and in love. Glad
             they were able to find the happiness I couldn't give either one of them.
             They're expecting their first.
                     Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I hate being alone on the holidays. Xander, Anya,
             Oz, Tara, Giles, and Olivia are all having a Thanksgiving dinner at Giles'.
             Xander told me 'bout it, but he never invited me. Nor did anyone else. Oz
             and Tara didn't even mention it while they were here. So much love, yet, so
             much pain."

             <<We've been through this such a long long time
             Just tryin' to kill the pain>>

                     "It's raining outside, but I must do what I have to do. I understand now
             how much you hated the patrolling duty. It sucks, and it gets boring when no
             one is helping. Everyone is out having a good time, and here you are, stuck
             in the stupid cemetary because you're doing your 'duty.'"

             <<But lovers always come and lovers always go
             An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
             Walking away>>

                     "Well, I must go for now. Please give Angel and Spike my best. Tell Cordy I
             said hello and to call me sometime. I always have the time. Goodbye, Buffy.
                     Love Always,
                             Willow"

             <<And it's hard to hold a candle
             In the cold November rain>>

             ~2~ Brooding

             Angel paced the floor of his apartment, yet again. Ever since Willow had
             left the previous month before, he wasn't the same. He went back to
             brooding, keeping everyone away from him. He kept to his apartment, except
             for the times when he was fighting.

             Spike and Buffy were both worried about him. They sat up in his office, and
             heard him downstairs. That's where he always stayed. He stayed down there.
             To listen to music Spike never knew he listened to, and started to hate life
             again.

             <<You know you're all alone
             Your friends they aren't at home
             Everybody's gone to the garden
             As you look into the trees
             You can look but you don't see
             The flowers seem to tease you at the garden
             Everybody's there, but you don't seem to care
             What's it with you man, and this garden>>

             Spike held Buffy in his arm's as they heard the music play on. {Bloody hell.
             Somethin's gotta change 'bout 'im, or I'm gonna bloody lose my mind. Wha is
             wrong with 'im? I 'aven't ever seen 'im this crazed before. Broody or not,
             'e's gonna tell me wha is up, or I'll 'urt 'im.}

             Spike was so wrapped up into his own thoughts that he never noticed Buffy
             trying to talk to him.

             "Spike?" Buffy asked in confusion. "Spike?"

             Spike shook from his thoughts, and looked at her. "Yeah, pet?"

             "I got a letter from Willow the other day," she smiled.

             "Oh really? Wha did the chit 'ave to say?"

             Buffy frowned. "She's alone, Spike. I caused pain in her. She wants to come
             back."

             Spike saw the frown on Buffy's face, and was worried. "Luv, why you
             frowning?"

             Buffy turned to look at him. "I dunno, Spike. Just something tells me I made
             the wrong choice by having Willow go home. She feels so alone, and
             abandoned. I miss her, you know? I mean, with Thanksgiving and all. I just
             wish I had known she had nowhere to go. I would have invited her."

             Spike rubbed her back, slowly and gently. He never understood women, so, he
             never acted like he did. Something told him, however, that Buffy knew what
             was wrong, and how to help it.

             "Spike," Buffy whispered. "Willow and I talked about something before she
             left ... and I think ... I gave her the wrong advice," she said, looking him
             in the eyes, gently crying.

             "Wha did you say, luv?" Spike whispered gently.

             Buffy slightly smiled, then frowned again. "Nothing, Spike. I uh ... I need
             to go. Meeting up with Cordelia for dinner. Her, Doyle, Melanie and G all
             went out to a movie, so she said her and I would have dinner," she said. She
             gave him a quick kiss on the lips, then hopped out of his lap. She turned
             around and waved bye, then headed out the door. Spike sat there, stunned.

             ~*~*~*~

             Angel turned up the stereo listening to the music. This song intrigued him,
             for various reasons, and he didn't care how loud the music went. This was a
             side of Angel no one had ever seen ... the fighter.

             Sure, they had all seen him fight, but what they saw, they knew it was done
             for a reason. This time, his heart was empty. He was filled with anger,
             hatred, loneliness, and lots of hurt.

             He allowed his emotions to come through as he started to punch on the
             punching bag he had hanging from his ceiling. With each punch, more emotions
             bled through.

             <<Turned into my worst phobia
             It's a crazy man's utopia
             If you're lost no-one can show ya
             But it sure was glad to know ya
             Only poor boys take a chance
             On the garden's song and dance
             Feel her flowers as they wrap around
             But only smart boys do without>>

             ~There is no such thing (thud) as utopia (thud.) It's just a crazy man's
             stupid (thud) pathetic way to live. No one's life (thud) is perfect!

             If life was perfect, (thud,) then why the hell am I so tore up inside?
             (thud) I will *not* let anymore emotions (thud) take over my body. *NONE!* I
             refuse to allow this (thud) pain to overtake my thoughts.

             (thud) (kick) (thud) (kick) Damn her for leaving me! Why couldn't she just
             stay? (kick) What did she expect me to do? (thud) Beg? Fuck that! I won't
             (thud) ever beg. Not even (kick) for her!~

             Angel had so much anger built up inside, he never realized how hard he was
             punching and kicking the bag. Instead, he allowed the music to guide his
             emotions.

             <<You can find it all inside
             No need to wrestle with your pride
             No you ain't losin' your mind
             You're just in the garden
             They can lead you to yourself
             Or you can throw it on the shelf
             But you know you can look inside
             For the garden>>

             ~Pride! (kick) I'll show her (thud) pride!~

             Angel stopped punching, realizing he was allowing her to occupy his
             thoughts, again. He hadn't heard from her since she left, and he knew it was
             tearing him inside.

             ~Why didn't I make her stay? I need her ... here.~

             Angel looked at the bag, then turned away from it. He walked slowly over to
             his couch, and sat down, leaning his head on the back. He listened as the
             music filled the room.

             ~*Nothing* is ever perfect~

             <<I was't really scared
             Lost my virginity there
             To a gypsy with blonde hair
             But no-one seems to care
             Like a mouse inside a maze
             Wandering round 4 daze
             With a smile upon my face
             I never wanna leave this place

             Only poor boys take a chance
             On the garden's song and dance
             Feel her flowers as they wrap around
             But only smart boys do without
             Turned into my worst phobia
             A crazy man's utopia
             If you're lost no-one can show ya
             But it sure was glad to know ya

             Bye bye
             So long, Bye bye
             It's glad to know ya
             Bye bye
             Bye bye
            Aw...so long>>

~3~ Finding Willow

Spike's mind was working in so many directions that he was almost tired of
thinking. He had been wondering the *entire* day why Angel was acting the
way he was. After lots of thinking, he finally figured out that it was
because of Willow's departure.

When he had come to that realization, he just grinned a wide smile. His Sire
was in love. But he was scared. And so was Willow. Neither of them wanting
to admit it to the other. Then with Willow leaving because she believed that
both he and Spike loved Buffy and not her.

{Why would the chit think that Angelus still loved Buffy and not her? Tha's
still a puzzle to me} he thought over and over again. Wondering *why* he was
even thinking anything like that all.

The very day that Willow walked out of that door to go back to Sunnydale,
everything had went downhill from there. Buffy closed her heart a little
more and Angel went into hiding. Buffy and Cordelia fought constantly and
they were even neglecting Doyle, Melanie, and G, three *very* useful members
of the Investigations team.

{Why is it that after her departure that everything went to hell? What is it
about her that keeps everyone together?} Spike couldn't believe how things
were going for them. He was right though. Since she had left, everyone had
fallen apart. There was just something about Willow Rosenburg that kept a
team together and he knew she needed to come back if they were all going to
survive. He just needed the right ingredient.

~*~

Buffy Summers walked the cold, drafty streets of L.A. on her way back to her
apartment that she shared with her lover. She had spoken to Cordelia about
what was happening to them as a team and for the first time since Willow's
departure, the two had talked sensibly.

There were reasons beyond reasons for Willow to stay away, but she needed to
be there with them. It was where she belonged. She didn't belong in
Sunnydale alone. The others had pushed her away from their little family and
now, she was struggling on the inside to remain herself.

Buffy understood where she was coming from. Knew how Willow was feeling on
the inside. Even though they had two different situations, they were still
the same and Buffy realized this, just realized it too late.

She knew she needed to find a way to get Willow back to L.A. She just wasn't
sure how. Maybe if they all worked together and if they could all prove to
Willow that she was wanted somewhere, perhaps she would come back. But
proving it to her was going to the task at hand. All she needed was the
right ingredient. The perfect reason for her to return. All she had to was
find it.

~*~

As soon as Buffy walked through the door of her apartment, she was engulfed
into a pair strong arms. Smiling to herself, she giggled as she felt a
tongue on her neck.

"Miss me?"

"Mmmm...more than you will *ever* know, pet," he said as he licked her neck
more. Buffy tried to wiggle free, but found the more she did, the tighter
his hold would become. Spike smiled evilly as his 'captive' tried to go
free. Giving her a quick kiss on her neck, he finally released her and took
a seat on the couch.

"So, luv," he said as he watched her move about the apartment in a graceful
manner. "How did it go with the cheerleader?"

"Her name is Cordelia, Spike," she called from the kitchen as she slammed a
cabinet door shut. "The talk went fine."

"What did you two talk about?" he asked as she took a seat next to him on
the couch.

"Oh, mainly just girl talk. You know ... this, that ..." she nodded to him
as she poured her soda into a glass of ice. She sat her empty can down and
snuggled into the warmth of the couch.

"Girl talk?" Spike questioned as Buffy nodded. "Wha kinda talk?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Must you know *everything?*"

"Yes," he laughed. "Now, what did you talk about?"

Buffy sighed deeply, not really sure if she wanted to tell Spike or not.
Finally deciding that he would to know, she told him. "We talked about
Wills," she whispered softly.

"Why about Red?" {Looks like I'm not the only one who's noticed the change
'round here}

Buffy bit her bottom lip, then finally decided to go with her thoughts.
"Spike," she started out slowly. "Have you noticed ... that since she's left
... everything has seemed to change?"

"You mean went to hell?" Buffy nodded. "Yeah, I guess I have. Why you ask?"

"Cordy and I were thinking. What if it's possible ... that she's the reason
we stay together as a team? I mean, I just think that since she's left, we
haven't really gotten along," she whispered, trying not to meet his gaze.

Spike smiled to himself, happy that he wasn't the only one who noticed the
difference. Spike loved Buffy, this he knew, but he knew that deep down
inside, she was the *most* selfish human he knew. He wasn't sure if it was
because she was the slayer, or if it was because of the way she was raised.
No matter the reasons, he was grateful she noticed the change.

"Luv," he said quietly. "I think we need Willow back here. Don't you?"

Buffy bit her lip and finally looked up into Spike's gaze. She knew he was
right. And she knew that that was what she wanted. She wanted Willow to
return back to L.A, but she didn't know how to face her. Especially *after*
what had happened between the two of them.

Buffy set her glass down on the table and walked to the window. {Willow may
never forgive me for making her leave L.A. I shouldn't of ever told her
Angel didn't love her. My God, Buffy, what have you done?}

"Luv, you ok?" Spike asked from the couch. Buffy turned towards him and
smiled, trying to stop the tears before they even started. "I ... I'm fine."

Spike stood and walked over to her. He pulled her body into his hold as she
let the tears flow. Spike rubbed her gently on her back as she cried, trying
to help her the best way he knew how. He knew what he had to do from that
point on and nothing was going to stop him. Not even Buffy.

Instead of letting her go, he tightened his hold on her. He whispered softly
in her ear how much he loved her, wanted her, needed her ... but how much he
needed to do what was going to be done. Spike was going back to Sunnydale.
 
 

[Another head hangs lowly,
Child is slowly taken.
And the violence caused such silence.
Who are we mistaken.]

Death. Murder. Blood. Emptiness. Fear. Anxiety. Restlessness. That's what
was left of Sunnydale, California. Building were barely standing. People
were living on the streets. Cowaring in fear of anything that approached
them. Good or evil.

[But you see it's not me,
It's not my family.
In your head, in your head
They are fighting.]

Children were being killed. Parents were struggling to survive. Families
were homeless. People were fighting each other for what little food could be
found. Cannibalism was something that had become very well known amongst
society. Fear had awaken everyone's demon.

[With their tanks and their bombs
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head they are cryin'.
In your head (x2)]

This was not a town's destruction by something of a warfare. No. This was a
town's destruction by something pure unhuman. Something with no mind. No
fear. No love.

Guns. Knives. Bombs. These were not things that brought a town of so little
to it's demise. But it was caused by something with no heart. Something that
didn't care.

[Zombie (x3)
What's in you head,
In your head?
Zombie (x3)]

What had happened to their little town was something no one had understood.
Why had their town been chosen? Why were they the one's who were chosen to
suffer because of someone else's power? Why did they have to suffer someone
else's tragedy? Someone else's pain?

[Another mother's breaking
Heart is taken over.
When the violence causes silence
We must be mistaken.]

The lone figure walked silently through the town he once knew as Sunnydale.
Silent tears ran down his cheeks as he remembered all the times he wanted to
do this to the little town. Now that he had witnessed it, he became very
ashamed of his past.

Silent tears ran down his face as he went back to the very day when he had
left this town. Swearing that he would never return. No matter what. And
now, here he was. Looking for someone he considered a friend. His family.

He closed his eyes for a brief moment, hoping that when he opened them, it
would all be a nightmare. Something that he could awaken from and not see
the faces of the people tha cowared in the streets. Hiding from him as if he
was something destructable. He now understood why humans ran from him the
moment they realized they were doomed for life. His unbeating heart broke at
his thoughts.

Destruction. That's what they each saw. Their town was no more.

~*~*~*~

People were cowaring in the alleys. Spike could smell their fear a mile
away. He didn't know what could be so murderous as to have these people
jumping at the site of a running rat. There was something in the air that
made him shiver. Something frightful. Something dark. Something ...
sinister.

[It's the same old theme
Since 1916.
In your head, in your head
They're still fighting.]

Building were barely standing and he couldn't
understand why his vampire senses were running wild. People were dying right
before his very eyes, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

He stood in front of the house that he now recognized as Willow's home.
Something had drawn him there, but what, he didn't understand. The lights
were on in all of the rooms, but he didn't pay attention to the figures that
watched him closely.

He turned away from the forbidden house and continued his journey through
the town that had fallen. His thoughts were everywhere as he wondered why
someone would *actually* destroy this town. He had wanted to do it many
times before hand, but never had the heart to destroy something so small.
Someone had decided that it was time for Sunnydale to fall. And fall, it
did. He wasn't sure how he was going to find Willow, but something told him
she was close. And he was determined to find her before he went back.

He walked silently into the darkness as he shook his head in disbelief.
{Sunnydale has fallen and it wasn't by my hands. I just hope you're ok, Red.
We all need you, no matter what you think} and with him knowing that inside,
Spike headed off to find shelter until the next night. He was going to need
his rest of if he was going to find the redheaded witch.

~*~

As Spike disappeared into the darkness, two figures stepped out from behind
the tree. They looked at one another.

"What shall we do?" one of them whispered.

"Don't harm him," the other one said silently.

"He is worthy of protection?"

The other nodded. They watched for a few more
minutes, making sure he was gone. Then as quickly as they had hid behind the
tree, they were back in the house.

"Soon, Spike," the lone figure whispered silently, "you
shall have all of your answers. Until then, be safe," they said, shutting
the door behind them. {His answers shall come soon enough}

[With their tanks and their bombs
And their bombs and their guns.
In your head, in your head
They are dying.
In your head (x2)
Zombie (x3)
What's in you head,
In your head?
Zombie (x3)]

*********

Spike walked deep into thought as he wondered when and where he was going to
see Willow. Something told him that he needed to find her and talk to her
about L.A, but there was just something that wasn't right about this town.
He didn't like the feeling he was getting in the pit of his stomach. The
feeling of fear.

Spike snapped from his thoughts as he heard the voice of a young female ring
out. Thinking it could be Willow, Spike ran toward the screams. Instead of
finding Willow, he found a vampire was having a lovely little blonde for his
meal. Doing the normal Spike thing, he decided to ruin the party.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I disturb you?" he asked in mock regret.

The vampire growled. "You *interrupted* my meal."

"Sorry, mate."

He dropped her lifeless corpse to the ground and looked at Spike. "Do you
know how hard it is to find a meal like this at night? It's very difficult
because they don't come out at night."

Spike rolled his eyes. "You expect me to have sympathy for you? *snorts* You
wish, you bloody moron. Be like me. Resourceful. I always find something to
feed on," he grinned. "Although, you might try the old folks home. You might
find someone of your style there. You know ... among your own kind. All
ragged looking. Somewhat, discusting to the human eyes. And seriously, if
you want to find another human like her, you might want to shed a few
pounds."

Valerian growled as he tackled Spike to the ground, pinning him there with
his hand squeezed tightly around his throat. "You take that back, pretty
boy, and I'll *think* about letting you live."

Spike grinned, trying to remove the vampire's hand from his throat. "Well, I
hate to tell you the truth, but the ladies will seriously cowar away from
you." Valerian's eyes raged with anger as he threw Spike against a tree that
stood in his way of a sharp pointy branch on the ground.

Spike fell with a loud thud and tried to regain his footing. No sooner was
he standing then was pinned again against the tree by his throat. "I will
have you know, pretty boy, that I am my Sire's toughest minion. Because of
my strength, I have protected him and the Mistress more times than you are
years."

"Well," Spike laughed. "Your Sire and Mistress must be really weak if you
are what is protecting them from all the big nasties in the world." Valerian
raged with anger as he knocked Spike against the tree with one hand.

He watched with amused eyes as Spike's body fell to the ground in a helpless
manner. He watched as Spike tried to stand, but delivered a kick to his
chest instead. "You like making jokes don't you, pretty boy?" Valerian
mocked as he kept kicking Spike over and over again.

Spike crawled along the ground, trying his hardest to get away from the
minion. Valerian kicked him in his chest everytime he tried to get away from
the violent blows. No matter how hard he tried to get away, Valerian was too
strong for him. He actually prayed that Valerian would just kill him so he
wouldn't have to suffer anymore. However, he was *never* going to admit
defeat. No matter the consequences.

~*~*~

Willow looked up into the night sky and smiled slightly. She had seen Spike
return the night before and wanted so much to talk to him. Explain things to
him so he would understand. Explain to him why she wasn't the girl he had
known a few months earlier. She wasn't even a month old, but yet, she was
mate to the Master of Sunnydale, not by his or her choice, and she was also
Mistress of Sunnydale.

She knew Spike would understand the reasons for her turning. Probably
understand them more than she did. If her Sire hadn't of turned her, she
would have been dead. She looked over at him as he looked deep in thought
and smiled. She loved him. This she realized awhile back. But he could never
be the man she loved with her unbeating heart. He was never going to be her
Angel.

~*~

"A penny for your thoughts?" he asked in a soft, gentle voice.

Willow turned to him and smiled. "Just thinking about how I'm going to
approach Spike. Do you think he'll understand?"

He nodded his head in an understanding manner. "If you explain everything to
him, yes."

"You don't mind?" she asked nervously.

Damien stopped and turned to look at her. "The only thing I will mind, my
love, is if you deny yourself this. If you feel you must talk with this
friend of yours, then you shall. It's whatever you feel in your heart, ok?"

Willow nodded and smiled at him. He was always so kind to her and so
understanding of her feelings. She knew that he wanted her to love him the
way he loved her, but knew that Angel was the man in her heart. Knew that
she wouldn't ever love him like she did Angel. But she did love him. He just
wasn't her Angel.

Willow's thoughts were broken as she noticed that Damien had started to run
towards the park. Willow followed him, but once she arrived, she wished she
hadn't. Standing in the middle of two very pissed off vampires, stood a
platinum blonde vampire, bleeding from the mouth and nose, snarling in
anger.

"Oh goddess," she whispered. Spike turned around quickly and saw the redhead
standing there. "Willow?" he whispered softly, taking a step forward. Tears
of happiness welled from Willow's eyes, but soon frowned and screamed out
when Valerian hit Spike with a lead pipe on the back of his head, knocking
him unconscious.

Willow stood there for what seemed like hours as Valerian and Damien picked
Spike up and took him back to the house. Willow's face read with concern as
worry as she hoped Spike would be ok. {Tonight, kill Valerian and Damien ...
tomorrow, talk to Spike} she thought as she walked home. {What a way to
return to Sunnydale}

~4~ Why You Here

(Spike's POV)

It was almost like a dream. It was as if someone had hit me over the head
and I lost all memory or realization of why I was back in Sunnyhell. I
wasn't exactly sure of what was happening to me, or why I was feeling the
way I was. It wasn't that I was scared or anything, but when you're a
vampire and you have no memory of where you are, it can become a dangerous
game.

When I opened my eyes, everything was a blur. The figures, the voices, the
faces, the names. I knew not where I was or who I was with. And to be a
demon with those feelings, you're sure to have some problems. The voices
were somewhat familiar, or at least one of them were. I could here the voice
in the background yelling at the other figures that were there with them.
Telling them that he wasn't supposed to be harmed. Whoever *he* was, was now
hurt and the others were going to have to pay for the harm.

Once my eyes were open and focused, I decided not to move and to stay on the
couch taking in my surroundings. My memory came back to me as I recalled
where I was. I was in a familiar home, which I had spent many days and
nights talking with my best friend. I wondered why I was here, trying to
recall what had happened that would have forced me to be here.

As if it were an electric shock that ran through my body, everything just
suddenly hit me. No warnings, no help. Just all at once. I guess maybe
that's good, but then I started to think. Why did I see her there in that
park? Why was it that she was there and not afraid of the two surrounding
vampires? Why was she crying when I saw her and why did she scream suddenly?
I had a lot of questions that needed to be answered and something told me
she knew what was happening.

I decided to focus on the voices, hoping that I was on the path, heading in
the right direction. I heard the familiar voice and I knew it was her. I was
right and I knew I had to have answers. She was the one who brought me here
and I was the one who was supposed to be protected. She had warned all of
them not to touch me or there would be hell to pay. She was a fiesty one. It
was no wonder my Sire loved her so much.

Soon, the voices died out and I was left all alone. Well, I thought I was
alone, but I knew she was standing there, watching me. She knew I was awake,
but made no movement to come towards me. I think she was waiting for me to
make the first move, hoping that maybe I wouldn't ask the most obvious of
the questions. She knew they were coming and I bet anything she was prepared
for them.

Then something seemed as if it was missing. Something that I *knew* didn't
belong. I closed my eyes in hope that it would all come back to me in a
sense that I could understand. When I opened my eyes again, it struck me. I
knew she was there, but there was no heartbeat.

I slowly turned my head to look at her. To focus on her and see why on Earth
there was no heartbeat. She stood there in the sunlight, staring at me. Her
big green eyes shot through my body as if it was giving an execution. No
heartbeat, but she was standing in the sunshine. How was that possible? I
definitely knew there was something I was missing.

I sat up slowly and stood up from the couch. I wanted to run to her and
embrace her, realizing that she was indeed safe and sound. I knew I couldn't
do that because she was standing where I couldn't be. Her emerald green eyes
stared deeply into mine and she walked towards me. I wanted to move so
badly, but my legs wouldn't move. I don't know if I was shocked, hurt,
angry, or just happy to see her. I had so many emotions flowing that I never
a vampire could possess.

But all of my feelings and emotions were swept away when I felt her body
embrace mine. I slipped my arms around her and brung her in so close that
you would probably think we were lovers. I inhaled her scent, making certain
that I wasn't dreaming and that this wasn't a replica of the real thing. I
honestly don't think she ever realized how missed she was until that
embrace. I hugged her enough for all of us. For Buffy's guilt, Cordelia's
sadness, my gratitude, and for Angel's love.

When she pulled away from me, I thought I was going to cry. She stood on her
tiptoes and gave me a kiss on my cheek. She squeezed my hand then turned
around and walked out of the room. The only noise that was made throughout
that entire contact was the soft whispering when she said 'Soon, Spike.'
Soon. I knew I would have my answers soon. Until she came back, that was how
I stood. Stunned. Lost. Concerned. I would have my answers soon. Soon wasn't
soon enough.

(~B~)

(Willow's POV)

I couldn't believe the emotions that I felt upon seeing him again. I had
thought that I had gotten rid of my past, but with his return, everything's
come back again. I honestly started to think that I had put my love for
Angel to the side and focused more on Damien, but with Spike's return,
everything has returned. All of the emotions, fears, guilts. It has all
returned.

Why he's here I don't know, nor do I care at this point. I hate the fact
that he's returned, but I'm somewhat grateful for him. Maybe this is saying
that there is at least one person who has missed me and would like for me to
return. Oh but that's just a dream. Why would they want me to return?
Afterall, they're a family now. I'd just be in the way.

Why did he have to come back? I was doing fine without him and the others.
Ok, so I was alittle unhappy, but isn't that normal? It's not like I died
and was reborn again. Well, ok. Scratch that last thought. I did die and be
reborn again, but it's something Spike will never understand. Damien didn't
have a choice. He did the only thing he thought was right.

Spike's return has caused everything to fail. He will not see me as who I
am, but of what I have become. I have become a monster and I am Mistress of
the Hellmouth. Not exactly the best thing to have on your resume, mind you.
No. He won't see me as Willow anymore. He'll only see me as an enemy.

Enemy. That's something that for so many years, I always thought Spike was.
My enemy. But as the years went by, he became something more. Something of
what I considered family. Not like a best friend, but more like a brother
that I never had. He even took Xander's place in my heart and no one was
ever able to do that. I feel love towards Spike, but I think more
importantly, I feel hatred, not only towards him, but towards Valerian and
Damien.

Damien, in the short amount of time I have known him, has come to know me
almost as well as my other friends, if not more. He knows of my fears, my
loves, my desires. He knows everything about me, even my weaknesses. Maybe
that's why he decided to attack Spike. He knew that I would be weak if Spike
was taken out. But he wouldn't do that on purpose. Or I don't think he
would. Hatred. Valerian is going to pay for touching Spike and if Damien
doesn't punish him, I will. And then he may regret ever being reborn.

I feel hatred towards Spike because I was getting along fine without them. I
didn't need him coming back here just to take me back to L.A. where I
*don't* belong. No one wants me there, so why bother going back? I know
that's why he's here. But I won't go back. I can't go back. I can't go back
and face that reality of knowing I will never have Angel. Watching him show
love and affection towards Buffy, knowing he can rub it in my face. No. I
won't and I can't go back there and face that. I have stayed here for a
month alone, with only Damien and our children. And that's how it will stay.

I will no longer allow myself to hurt and suffer by the hands of them. No
longer will any of them see the Willow they all once knew. I love Buffy
dearly and I always will, but she pushed me away because she said she didn't
need me. She don't need me, I don't need her. I don't need any of them.
Spike must realize that I am not going back. No matter what he says, I will
*not* return. They all hurt me, so now, they hurt. How's that old saying go?
'You shouldn't play with fire if you don't want to get burned?' Yeah. They
played with it and now ... they're burned.
 

(~C~)

//"Unforgiven" belongs to Metallica off 'Black'//

[New blood joins this Earth
And quickly he's subdued]

Spike watched closely as Willow walked into the room. He knew he was about
to get some answers, but something deep down inside told him he wasn't going
to like them. He watched as she motioned for him to take a seat on the couch
and stood before him in the middle of the room.

[Through constant pain disgrace
The young boy learns their rules]

Willow watched Spike with careful eyes. She motioned for him to take a seat
and stood before him. She was tired of playing by everyone's rules and this
time, the game would be played by her. After he took his seat and his eyes
were focused on her, she stood strong.

[With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles
On and on he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away]

"I talk and you listen. You will not interrupt me until I am finished. Is
that understood?" Unknowingly nodding his head, Spike agreed. Willow stood
before him and allowed her voice to began. "First off, I have an idea of why
you are here, but let me tell you right off back that it's not a good idea.
I no longer belong with any of you, nor will I ever again.

Whatever right you possessed to even ask me to return was damaged the day I
walked out of that office. I lost my family that day and everyone of you
allowed it. All it would have taken was a simple 'Please stay, Willow' from
Buffy. But did she say it? No. She just allowed me to walk away and deny me
the one thing I truly wanted in this life," she said as she started to pace
in front of him slowly.

"I'm not the same person anymore, Spike. I've done a lot of growing up in
the past month. Growing up I never asked for, but it happened anyway. How
many phone calls have I received from any of you within the past month? How
many letters have *any* of you ever written for me? How many replies have
*any* of you sent back to my emails? Or do you even check your emails?"
Willow laughed bitterly.

"The whole bus trip back here, I kept thinking to myself. I kept thinking
'they're not going to ditch you, Willow. They love you too much.' Now when I
look back at those thoughts, I laugh at my stupidity. Not a one of you ever
called, wrote, or replied back to me. I wanted to stay, Spike, but did any
of you care? No. I had to care for myself just like I have had to my whole
entire life."

[What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been]

"You all denied me the one thing I truly wanted in this life and when I
returned, oddly enough, I found it. I finally found out where I belonged.
I'm just sorry it took an outsider to make me realize that." Willow paused
for a moment to try and will the tears away. She knew they were going to
flow at any moment and she didn't want to show Spike exactly how much she
was hurt. She wanted to prove to him that she was strong. Stronger than the
girl they all knew and loved.

[What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee Unforgiven]

Spike looked on at the girl that stood before him. He never knew how much
hurt she had within her because of their actions, but now, he was witnessing
all of it. Her eyes spoke millions of how she was feeling, even though she
would never admit it to him. She was trying to show him that she was strong
and not weak. She didn't have to prove that to him. He already *knew* she
was strong. Not every woman in the world could overcome everything she had
been through in her life. From the mere fact that she wasn't raised by her
parents to the point now that she no longer had a heartbeat. To him, anyone
who could overcome what she has, was nowhere near weak.

[They dedicate their lives
To running all of his
He tries to please them all
This bitter man he is]

Willow looked at Spike, knowing that he was trying to comprehend everything
that she was saying. She had just told him a lot of hidden details that she
never told anyone, not even Damien. She had just expressed all of her fears
and how much she wanted to belong without even realizing what it was she had
done. She regretted from that point on how weak she was.

{No. I am *not* weak. I am strong. I just have to finish what I'm saying and
make him see that I'm no longer a child. But a Mistress and a woman. I will
make him see.}

"Ok, I know you have a lot of questions, but I'm not done talking. If I
don't answer all of your questions here and now, feel free to ask after I'm
done," she said as she looked at Spike. After receiving a nod, she
continued. Willow walked over to her window and opened the curtain. It was
night outside and she loved to look at it.

"You know. I used to hate the night. I always felt as if I was trapped
because I *knew* what lurked beyond the darkness. Always felt that since I
knew of the dangerous, I had to stay inside and protect myself. And then I
turned sixteen and met Buffy Summers. Then my *whole* *entire* *life* was
changed. Not only did she become my best friend, but I was called on to be
her new watcher after Giles. No one ever knew until I told Buffy two months
ago.

Do you know how hard it was for me to lie to her? To deny her the truth? I
hated myself for it, Spike. I hated lying to her even if it was for her own
good. You *don't* lie to your best friend. You *don't* keep secrets from
them. It's like a law or something. After what Riley did to her, I knew then
that I had betrayed Buffy. Xander and I *knew* for a year what was going on,
but we wanted to protect her. Then when we did tell her, she didn't believe
what we were saying.

Then on the night before her wedding, she had to see it for herself. I
wanted to kill him, Spike. I wanted to deny him any right to ever breathe
again in this world. I wanted to hear him scream for help as I made him
bleed. I wanted to him in agony because of what he did to Buffy. But I
couldn't do that. Do you know why?" she turned towards Spike and walked
toward him. "Because everyone has always denied me who I am. I have never
been the innocent girl they all thought I was."

[Throughout his life the same
He's battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired many they see no longer cares]

"When I came back here, I made a friend. Someone who knew me for me and not
of who or what everyone else made me out to be. I never ... and I mean
*never* ... want to go back to what I was before Spike. I can't be that girl
that everyone wants. I can't be denied what I am anymore, Spike. Do you
understand?"

[The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me]

For the first time since her arrival in the room, Spike spoke. "Listen, Red.
I'm sorry we hurt you, but it was *your* decision to come back here. Not
ours. Angelus tried to stop you, but you left anyways. And you can't blame
us for your innocence. You created that all on your own."

"I did not create that person, Spike. I was created because of the ways of
soci--"

"Yeah, whatever, luv. You are who you are because it's who you wanna be. Not
because of what society says you have to be. If that were true, hell, I'd be
the stupidest vampire on this planet," he said as he stood from his and
stood in front of her.

"Listen, Red. You became innocent because it was what you knew. If you
pretended to be innocent than you wouldn't get hurt. Everyone would be there
to protect you. But when Buffy showed that she didn't need you anymore, you
ran away. You need to know that you're needed because it's all you know. You
hid inside of yourself, Red. You pushed everyone who cared about you away
because you were afraid.  Afraid that if anyone saw the real you, they would
all run and hide.

Pet, if you're not the shy Willow everyone knows, the prove it. Prove to us
that you truly *are* someone we don't know. Prove to us that you will no
longer listen to the rules of society because it's what you want."

Willow turned and backed away, not wanting to hear what he was saying. She
knew he was right, but didn't want to admit it. That she had created herself
because she thought that was what they all wanted. She was always scared
that they would label her as weak if she tried to be strong. They would only
laugh at her if she tried to be something she knew she wasn't. So, she
created that person before anyone else did. She knew Spike was right and
hated it.

[You labeled me
I'll labeled you
So I dub thee Unforgiven]

Willow shook off her thoughts and turned towards the entry of the room. She
stopped, but never turned around. "I'm not going back. Please tell everyone
I'm sorry," then she left and ran up the stairs to her room.

Spike stood there, stunned and speechless. He wasn't about to give up on
her, not yet. He decided that he would talk to Damien about it and see if he
would agree. If he loved her like Spike thought, he would set her free. Let
her go where she belonged. Truly belonged. With her family.

~5~ Going Back

(Damien's POV)

[Take another bite
It'll be alright
What's wrong will soon feel right
Dangerous tonight]

How dare he think that he can come back here suddenly and take what belongs
to me! She is mine and she will always be mine! I will *never* give her up.
Not anymore. At one point, I might have considered it, but no longer. She's
*mine* and I'll be damned if anyone else will have her. I can break her just
as easily as I made her. She just has to learn who the one in control is.

She was doing fine without them. I had her focused at the job at hand and
she was no longer concerned with them. They were *not* here when she needed
them the most. They turned her away and the others fled the moment they
learned the truth about her existence. It was either death or undeath and I
wasn't going to stand by and watch her die. I didn't a month ago and I won't
now. She's where she belongs. With me.

I have her almost *right* where I want her. She is *close* to loving me and
forgetting about that pathetic excuse called Angel. What kind of *name* is
Angel anyway? Sounds more girly then it does for a man. Bet he doesn't even
know how to treat a lady. Well, I'll teach her. I'll show her who the *real*
man is. She's mine and I'll be damned if I give her up. She's my childe
afterall. Not his.

Dammit! Why does she still love him? If only he wasn't in the picture, then
I would have her forever. She would be mine for eternity. But because of his
existence, I'm still trying to warm myself into her heart. Dammit! Dammit!
Dammit! Why? Why does she love him and not me? I've given her everything
she's ever wanted and all he's ever done is turned her away. But yet, she
still allows herself to love him ... and not me.

[Take another turn
The rules have all been burned
And you've got tricks to learn
Dangerous tonight

Play another role
Try and lose control
And stain your soul to red from white]

No more. I will *no* longer compete with *him.* Maybe if she goes back, she
will see everything and then she will understand that it's me she loves. Not
him. She will go back. But she will go back with her *Sire* and not alone. I
will *not* allow her to leave without me. That will be the choice. Either I
go or neither go. Then they will all see where she truly belongs. She's not
a normal vampire like them, nor is she human like the others. That is she
what she is and that she belongs with us. Her *true* family.

[I'm dangerous like a broken glass
I'm a flesh fanatic psychopath
I can cause you pain and make it last
Dangerous tonight

I'm dangerous when the sun goes down
So cross yourself, don't fool around
I'll drag your heart into the ground
Dangerous tonight]

I'll *make* *him* *see* who she really belongs with. Then when the time is
right, his existence will cease. She will no longer have to worry about him.
He cannot survive with me. One of us has to go and I'll be damned if it's
going to be me. Love or not, she will see things *my* way ... or there will
be hell to pay.

(~B~)

Willow was lost in thought as she sat on her window sill and stared out into
the darkness. She had grown to love it more than the day lately. She still
had all the rights and freewills to be out in the sun, but she loved being
in the night. It was almost as if it had given her a taste of freedom that
she never knew existed within her soul. Even with her new abilities, nothing
would ever come close to how she truly felt.

She felt alone, scared, withdrawed from everyone, even though she had the
others around her. The night of her turning, she never even saw it coming.
That night seemed to go so fast that she sometimes wondered if she dreamed
it. But then when she wakes up and she has that thirst and she has that
feeling of abandonment, she realizes that it's not a dream. That it is
indeed a deadly reality.

She deep a deep breath as she remembered how the others had taken the
reality of it all. Xander and Anya left town, never speaking to her again.
Oz and Tara moved to England with Giles and Olivia, leaving her alone to
face this new world she had very little knowledge about. She wasn't entirely
alone because she had Damien and Valerian, but it just wasn't the same. They
weren't her family or her friends. They weren't the ones she grew up with.
They were strangers to her.

She closed her eyes as she tried to forget how alone she felt. She knew
Damien would never allow her to return to L.A. because it was where Angel
was. She wanted to go back to them. She needed to know that they *would*
accept her for who she was now, even though she wasn't the Willow they all
knew just weeks before. But they would understand why she wasn't the same.
After explaining to them, they would all understand. They had too.

~*~

Willow was so lost in her thoughts that she never knew Damien was in the
room until his arms embraced her. She jumped at the contact, but soon
settled down into his embrace. Even though there were times when she felt
hatred toward him for taking her from the world that she knew and loved, she
often thanked him because he had saved her from death. He had no other
choice at the time and for that, she was grateful.

Damien kissed the top of her head as he slipped in behind her, bringing her
body closer to his. He tightened his hold as she clasped her arms on top of
his, showing that she wasn't about to leave.

"What are you thinking about, love?" he asked with a gentle whisper.

She smiled softly. "Just remembering about that night."

"I often think about it, my love. Why on this particular night were you
thinking about it?"

Willow bit her bottom lip, not sure if she should tell the truth. She knew
he would be hurt, but then he would hate her if she didn't tell the truth.
So, with her decision made, she spoke. "It's just that, sometimes, I regret
your decision."

"Why?" he asked startled. {Dammit!}

She closed her eyes, hoping that he wouldn't see her tears. "I just hate the
fact that sometimes I can't go back to the way I used to be. That I *can't*
go back to being Buffy's lapdog as Spike used to say. Or go back to being
the shy, redheaded witch that Xander would laugh at because of her
schoolgirl crush on him," she said as she stood from his embrace. "I *wish*
that sometimes you would have just left me to die."

Damien jumped up quickly and backhanded her across the face. "Don't you
*ever* wish for that. Even if I love you, I can and I *will* grant you that
wish!"

Willow covered her cheek with one of her hands and hugged herself with the
other. She allowed the tears to flow, not afraid of hiding anymore. "You are
nothing but a bastard, Damien. You say tha ... that you love me and the ...
then you do this to me. Why? Why do you say on ... one thing and then act in
a different wa ... way?"

Damien stood there, ashamed of his actions that had just taken place. He
took a step towards her, extending his arms to take her into his embrace,
but she backed away from him, hatred evident in her eyes. "I'm sorry, my
love. But I didn't want you dead. I love you, Willow. You *must* believe
that. I only did what I thought was right. I hope you understand that."

"What was right? *WHAT* *WAS* *RIGHT*?!?" she screamed. "You *thought* that
I would *want* this life? That I would *want* to live with the thirst of
blood for all of eternity?" she screamed as she narrowed her eyes at him.
"*I* have lost *everything* that ever mattered to me because of what you
did! I lost my best friend whom I've loved dearly since I was a child
because of your decision! I can *never* go back to the man *I* *LOVE*
because of *your* decision! Please tell me, Damien. How the *fuck* is that
doing what was right?"

Damien stared at her, his eyes showing pain of the words she had just
spoken. He knew right then and there that Willow never be his, no matter how
he felt about her. She would leave him in a matter of seconds if Angel
wanted her. There was no chance for him to have her. And she had just made
her point taken. But, no one ever dismissed him in that sort of manner. He
would *make* her understand that she belonged to him.

With hate, fury, and rage controlling his mind, he had Willow pinned against
the wall by her throat before either of them realized what was happening.
His eyes shined a bright yellow as Willow struggled for her life.

"Now you *listen* to me and you listen good, little girl," he growled
through clinched teeth. "*I* am *YOUR* Sire. Not that pathetic excuse you
love. You *will* obey me no matter what. Is that clearly understood?" he
asked, but before she could answer, he continued. "You will tell your friend
Spike that you will go back with him. *HOWEVER,* I will be going along. *I*
will guide all of your movements and you will do *nothing* without me. You
will *not* go outside unless I am with you. You will *not* talk unless I am
with you. You will *not* piss, eat, drink, sleep unless I am with you.
Basically, Willow, your life becomes mine the moment we walk out of this
house. Is that *clearly* understood?" When Willow nodded, Damien dropped her
to the floor and stalked out of the bedroom.

Willow held her throat where Damien's hands no longer touched. She pulled
her knees up to her chin as she put her forehead on her knees and cried. She
cried for Angel, Cordelia, Buffy, Spike. She cried for Xander, Anya, Oz,
Tara, Giles, and Olivia. But most of all, she cried for herself. For being
the person she had become. If only he could see how she truly felt then
maybe he wouldn't be so bad. But if he did, she would be dead.

Trapped. That's how she felt. She felt as if she was in a cage and she was
being moved by a remote control of some sort. As if she continued to pace
and yet never got anywhere in life. Trapped. Like an animal. No freedom. No
door. No friends. Just ... trapped.

(~C~)

Damien flew down the stairs and barged into the living room in a rage. He
spotted Spike on the couch and headed straight for him. Before Spike could
even react, Damien had him by his throat and throwing him across the room.
Spike stood up a bit shakey from the blow, but was thrown back against the
wall by a very pissed off vampire.

Damien stalked over to Spike and grabbed him by his hair, picking him up
from the floor. He glared into the fallen vampire's eys and growled. "You
*think* you can come in here and *fuck* with what is mine? Take what belongs
to *me* and fuck up my whole entire existence? Huh?" he screamed as he threw
him up against the wall again. "You had better change your way of thinking,
*vampire,* before you get yourself killed. Is that understood?"

Spike stood up, eyes flaming red from the intensity of his anger. He growled
at Damien as he flung himself at him. Spike tackled him and pinned him
against the floor. "Hate to break it to ya, mate. But she will *never* be
yours," he growled as he punched Damien in the face. Damien hollered in pain
and flipped them so that he was now on top of Spike. "Don't be so certain
about that," he laughed. "Ask her who it is she allows to bed her
everynight. To know her most inner passions, desires, feelings. Ask her who
it is she allows to know *everything* about her and who it is she has
denied."

Spike brought his knee up and kneed Damien in his groin, allowing himself
time to stand up and out of Damien's reach. "She allows you to bed her
because she's desperate, mate," Spike smiled. "You and I both know who she
belongs to."

Damien growled and and roundhoused Spike in the face. He watched as Spike
fell to the ground in a bloody mess. He picked him up by his throat and
pinned him against the wall. "Let me warn you about something, Spike. She
*belongs* to *me.* Not Angel, not you, not herself. *She* *is* *mine.* She
will *never* belong to anyone, but me and if anyone has *any* objections to
that statement, I will more than gladly admit it to them," he said amused as
he watched Spike struggle to get free.

"Now, about *our* little trip. She will be going back to Los Angelas with
you, but *I* will be accompanying her. She will tell all of you to fuck off
and to leave her life for good. You will allow her to walk out with no
questions asked. Understood?" Spike struggled to get free, but nodded when
he knew it was no use. Damien smiled. "Good. We can leave first thing in the
morning," he laughed as he dropped by Spike and walked out of the room,
Valerian close in tact.

Spike stood up and glared at his retrieving form. He rubbed his throat and
grinned. "We'll just about that, mate. You better be a better fighter than
that because you haven't met trouble until you've messed with what belongs
to Angelus. And you've gone far beyond that. Hope you're ready to pay," he
said aloud to himself. He wondered where Willow was and decided to go on the
hunt. If anyone was going to need to be strong, it was going to be her.

~6~ The Return

(Angel's POV)

[A hundred numbers on my wall
Some with names I sometimes call
I drop a coin and watch it fall
Tryin' to get connected to you]

Two hours. That's how long it will be before I see her again. They are only
a mere two hours away from home. I dan't wait to see her again. To worship
her again from afar. To watch her eyes shine the beautiful emerald green
that they are. To watch the sun dance off of her firey red hair and make it
shine brightly and beautifully. To watch her body shake with laughter as she
listens to the jokes and the tales that Cordelia tells so well. Two hours
until I see that beautiful reflection shine brightly in the dancing rays of
the sun. Watch as she smiles so beautifully everyone in the room bows before
her because she is the Goddess of the Heavens and we are all merely beneath
her.

[A thousand hours all alone
My softest pillow turns hard as stone
This is the longest night on my own
Lying here thinking of you]

I have never once stopped thinking about her since she walked out of this
office and went back to Sunnydale, California. I will never forgive myself
for the tears that flowed down her face as she said goodbye. I wasn't lying
when I asked her to stay here for me. I would've given anything for her to
stay here and at least *try* to work things out with me. Why didn't I prove
to her before she left how much I love her? All I had to do was make her be
quiet and tell her my heart belonged to her, and not Buffy. Why was I so
stupid?

[Sometimes I shake my head
And I laugh to myself
I'd like to start again with somebody else
I'm like a broken toy forgotten on the shelf]

But because of my stupid mistakes, she found love with someone else. Someone
who can devote himself entirely to her and treat her like the Queen that she
is. Give her the life and the type of happiness that she deserves. Someone
who can give her children and take her out into the sun, and worship her. I
worship her, but my kind of worshipping is different. I wouldn't only
worship her body, but I would worship her mind, her thoughts, her feelings,
her soul ... everything.

[Baby, I could have been someone
I could have been something
It would have been nothing to die for you
Baby, you're going to need me
You'd better believe me
It would have been easy to die for you]

When Spike called and said that they were coming back, I just about died a
second death. My Willow was coming home, even if it wasn't permantely, she
was still coming home. Then he said that so much has changed about her.
After I thought about it, I don't care how different she is. Just as long as
she's coming home.

[A million memories flood my brain
Drown my sorrow
Kill my pain
Whets my thirst for you again
Just another night to get thru]

Memories flood my thoughts whenever I think about her. The times I watched
her dance at the Bronze when I was with Buffy. The way she would try and
defend herself against the demons that attacked. All the times that she
tried so hard to prove that she wasn't Buffy's sidekick hacker. (chuckles)
And the time that I fell in with her. Oh I will *never* forget that day.

It was shortly after I had returned from Hell. Buffy and I had had a fight
and she stormed out of the mansion. Willow, being the concerned friend that
she is, came over to see if I was ok. She said that Buffy stormed into her
house and threatened to stake me, and said that she doesn't know what
happened. She said that she slapped Buffy across the face and came to find
me. That was the day I fell in love with Willow Rosenburg.

[All my neighbors scream for quiet at my door
Shattered glass and torn up photos on the floor
Well, I couldn't stand to see your pictures anymore]

But I will never have that opportunity that I so desperately want to have.
No. It will never come. Why? Because she has given her heart to another.
Given it to Damien. Damien. The man who has caught the heart of my beloved
Willow. The man who *should* honor, cherish, worship, and devote his
*entire* being to her, decided to make his presence known in her life to her
family. As long as he plays by the rules, I won't have to hurt him.

[These cuts are deep but you plead innocent
Are you hell or are you heaven-sent
You're much to cold to know how much
You meant to me, yeah]

As much I will hate to admit it, but maybe her coming home to the best thing
to ever happen. If he is what she wants, then I can tell her how I feel with
no regret of losing her. I can show her just how much I love her and how
much I want her, then let her make the decision for herself. I should have
done that from the beginning, but I have my own stupidity to blame. She's
not at fault for anything. I just have to either give her up, or prove to
her *I* am the one she belongs with and not him. Maybe if I didn't love her
so much ...

[A billion tear drops fallen from my eyes
But it's just a joke now
And I'm laughing at your lies
You make me hard as rock and now I realize

Baby, I could have been someone
I could have been something
It would have been nothing to die for you
Baby, you're going to need me
You'd better believe me
It would have been easy to die for you]

Maybe unlife would be a whole lot easier to live.
 

(~B~)

(Willow's POV)

We're two hours away from Los Angelas and I'm about to face a past that I
thought I would no longer face. I'm about to face the people that have
betrayed more than anyone I have ever known. People who were not there for
me when I needed them and forced me to turn my guidance to a complete
stranger. I don't know if what I will say to any of them because it's almost
as if I don't care. I hurt, but it's not a torturous hurt anymore. Not like
it was in the beginning. I have come to terms of my existence and I know of
where I belong. I belong to Damien and to his family. I no longer belong in
their world. For I am of my own kind now.

Their reactions towards me will be much like that of Spike's when he first
figured out that I am no longer human. I do not wish to hurt them, but I am
no longer my old self. I have been hurt more within the past few months of
my life then I have my entire existence. First it was the betrayal of Spike
and his cruelty to keep his existence a secret from us while he harbored in
L.A. with his Sire. Then it was the betrayal created by Buffy when she
admitted she still loved my beloved Angel. Then the betrayal of them all
when none of them showed any sort of affection in my time of need. It's
always been about them and their cruel, and unforgiven lives. Each one of
them must suffer a different type of wrath that will no longer exist after I
depart one final time.

Buffy must realize that I am no longer her pathetic sidekick-hacker-witch
friend. I am a strong and beautiful woman who can put melt a man's heart.
That I am a vampire Mistress and I rule over a power she has no idea about.
That I am Willow ... strong and beautiful. Spike must realize that I am no
longer a toy that can be played with. That I am destined for something far
more powerful than he has ever realized. The others must come to terms that
I am a more powerful force than any of them have ever faced in their lives.
Slayers or not, I rank over them in more power than they know.

Then there's Angel. My beloved Angel whom I love with all of my undead
heart. I don't know if it's because I'm in love with him, or if it's because
I finally understand how he feels when he allows his demon to overwhelm his
soul. I feel betrayed by him and I want him to bow before me, admit his
weakness to me, but then I want to hold him and cherish him, and make him
understand that it is him that I so desire and not Damien. I know Spike told
him about us and he's probably plotting revenge against us both, but I feel
as if I need to explain the situation to him. Prove to him that it is him my
heart desires and not my Sire.

Los Angelas. The city where I finally know of whether or not I am capable of
existing on my own. In that world is where I finally be free of everything
and everyone who has ever held me back. I will finally be my true self ...
demon and all. I will cut all ties with my Sire and my friends and I will
venture out on my own. Make my mark in the world, as the old saying goes.
Thinking and doing are two different things. I think of it, but then the
real challenge will arrive when it comes time to do the job at hand. Will I
be able to leave my Sire and my beloved Angel when the time comes? Or will I
be forced to finally admit my heart's feelings to the only man I ever truly
loved?

Within the next few hours, I shall see which of my thoughts will win this
battle ... my heart ... or my reality ...
 

(~C~)

The last two hours of Willow's life went by so slow that she thought she was
going to go nuts. She wanted to hurry up and get this encounter done and
over with so that she could leave this city and never come back. It wasn't
that she hated this town, but she hated the people whom she was about to
see. People she felt that had betrayed her worse than anyone she had ever
known. And they were supposed to be her family.

Her thoughts were broken when she heard the slamming of a car door. She
looked over and saw the look on Damien's face, which made her petrefied.
{Stay strong Willow. It's only for a few days} she thought as she climbed
out of the backseat, followed quickly be an angry Damien.

Spike handed her and Damien their suitcases then shut the trunk of his car.
He looked at Willow for a few seconds, their eyes cutting deep within each
other. {So beautiful, yet so dangerous} he thought. He tore his eyes away as
when he heard the growl from her beloved Sire.

"This way," was all he said as he lead the couple to the doors that lead to
the bottom floor of the office. Angel had requested they enter his apartment
first, then go to the office to greet the others later that evening. Willow
and Damien followed in suite, his arms gripped tightly around Willow's waist
showing that she belonged to him.

Spike closed the door after Willow and Damien entered the elevator and
pushed the button for the ground floor. Willow's hands started to shake when
she realized how close she was to seeing Angel again. She was excited yet
frightened at the same time. She wanted to see him and hold him, but she
wouldn't be allowed to do that with Damien at her side.

When they reached the ground floor, Spike pushed the door open from the
elevator and the trio stepped out, and into the vampire's home. It was just
the way Willow had remembered it. She closed her eyes as she remembered the
last time she was in this room. The memories flooded her mind as she
recalled the way Angel was with her the night he brought her here and showed
her his home. A smile crossed her face when she realized that this was the
room when had realized she loved Angel more than anything. Before that, she
was sure she loved him, but she wasn't in love with him. After she had told
him about Faith's betrayal with Riley, her feelings for him grew stronger
when all she wanted to do was comfort him and shelter him from anymore hurt
and pain.

She left the grasp of Damien's tight arms and walked around the leather
couch, her hands slightly touching it. "This was where I realized I loved
him," she whispered softly. "This was the very spot when I realized that I
would die for him," she said as she sat down in the very same spot that she
remembered Angel sat in that very night two months before.

"This room," she spoke softly. "Has so many memories. Good memories and bad.
Memories of when I knew I truly loved him and bad when I saw the pain in his
eyes when he learned of Faith's betrayal. I wanted to take him and hold him,
make him understand that it was him I loved right then and there," she spoke
as she stared into space. She shook her head, realizing that her Sire was
growling at her. She turned and looked at him before standing and walking
back to his embrace. Spike growled as he watched the actions take place
between the two.

He hated Damien and he was going to be glad when Angel got through with him.
If Angel had the time to do anything. He had saw the look in the little
witches eyes and wondered what it was she had planned. She was fiesty and
she was evil, but yet she was sensitive and caring. He had seen two
different sides to her and both of them had been at Angel's expense. One
side was her angry side when she demanded that they tell Buffy about his
presense in L.A. because it would hurt too much coming from her. The other
side when she hid the truth of her destiny from Buffy to protect her and the
same side when she had just spoken of her love for Angel. In all the years
he had been with his Sire, he had never seen a woman so in love with him
before, nor the other way.

He turned when he felt the presense of his Sire enter the room, their gazes
holding the other's as they stared at one another. Spike saw all the
realizations hit him in his face when he saw the look in his Sire's eyes. He
saw love, devotion, honor, but yet regret. Spike knew what Angel was
planning to do and nodded. Angel's gaze left Spike's as he looked up and met
emerald green eyes.

{God *damn* she's beautiful. More beautiful than I remember} he thought as
he stared at her. She had a smile on her face and he wanted to take her in
his arms and squeeze the life out of her. He took in the features of her
body and noticed how grown up she looked. His eyes raked over her as if she
was the Goddess that he knew she was. However, his smile fell when he saw
the arm around her waist and turned his gaze to the man beside her.

Angel looked at the man as if there was something familiar about him. Damien
stared back with the same look and dropped his arm from around Willow's
waist when the realization hit them both at the same time.

"Liam ... David" they said in unison. Then the room fell to silence.

~7~ Past Memories

//For this part only: Damien's Thoughts//

(~A~)

Shock. Love. Hate. Regret. Guilt. Betrayal. Desire. Loyalty. Devotion.
Happiness. Sadness. Emptiness. Loneliness. Togetherness. Relief. Confusion.
Complication. Tensity. All of these emotions cursed themselves through
Angel's body. His eyes spoke a thousand different emotions and the more he
looked on at that figure that stood before him, the deeper the emotions
became.

Confusion was clearly evident in the eyes of Angel as he looked at Damien.
It was almost as if he was looking at a ghost, but the figure stood before
him. It couldn't be possible that after 250 years, that this man now stood
before him once again. He felt love because his baby brother now stood
before him as a grown man. He felt regret because of past events that made
them no more loyal brothers. He felt betrayal, guilt, sadness, relief, but
most of all, he felt hatred toward the man. Hate because it was he who now
had his beloved Willow. So many emotions that couldn't be controlled cursed
through him. Some of them he understood and the others were just there.

Willow stood there in silence. She was trying desparetly to figure out
exactly what was going on. From the moment that Angel had entered the room,
there had been an intensity that was so strong that the only way you
couldn't feel it was in your sleep. And even then, it might have been
possible. She stood by Damien, trying to figure out what he was thinking.
She could see emotions radiate from Angel's eyes. He always showed his
emotions that way. It was the one thing she loved about him. He could say
one thing, but his eyes would never deny the truth.

Damien knew that Willow was trying to read him. It was one of the things
that had attracted him to her just a month before. When they had become
friends, he had tried to deny what he was to her, but she knew it from the
very beginning, yet she wasn't afraid. He now understood why. The man she
loved was just the same type of creature they were, except their kind had
different advantages. They had all the powers of the vampire, yet they had
none of their weaknesses. They could walk in the day and they didn't have to
drink blood for survival, but that was one of the curses they had as being a
Daywalker. They had the bloodthirst of a vampire and normally reacted to it.
The other kind, Angel's kind, couldn't walk in the day and blood was their
*only* way for survival. He knew he already had one advantage over him.

//Betrayed. After 250 years, I am still betrayed by him. It seems to never
fail me that everytime I devote my heart to someone or something, he has to
always destroy those devotions. Even as children, I was always second best
to him. Never allowed to be the man I wanted to be because I had to follow
in dear Liam's footsteps no matter what it was that I wanted. Always fall in
behind him, even when it was he who made the mistake and not I. Always
taking the blame for his actions and his words. Always the abused and never
the abuser.

Unfortunately for my dear big brother, he is finally the one on the back
burner and not on the front. I can finally show him and prove to him that it
is I who has been chosen. His eyes reflect what he is feeling. Reflect how
much hatred he is holding for me at this moment. It's about time that it is
I who gets to be number one. No longer second best because of what I have
and he doesn't, but so desires it in his heart. He knows that Willow will
never be his. That she belongs to me. He will never accept it, but he has
admitted it. Maybe he's realized that I have grown up. That I am no longer a
child. Maybe now, he will finally show me respect. Maybe. Just maybe. I can
always hope.//

Confusion. That's the only emotion Spike had. He was plain, simply, and
utterly confused. First, he knew that something strange was going on. That
there had to be a reason why the room was so filled with a creepy silence.
Second, he knew there had to be something between the two men because of the
looks they were given one another. What? Spike wasn't sure, but he wanted
answers. Third because Willow looked as if she just had a second death. Her
face radiated the same questions that plaqued his mind, but her confusion
wasn't as deep. Almost as if she knew a little of what was going on between
the two men. He took in a deep breath and decided that the silence had to
stop and that there were going to be answered questions. Almost feeling as
if he was going to scream, he finally broke the silence.
 

(~B~)

"As much as I *love* the little game of silence," he started. "Some of us
are confused as all hell here, so if you would mind," he said as he looked
between the two men.

Angel, who had been so far into his thoughts had completely forgotten about
Willow and Spike's presence in the room. He looked at Spike then he looked
at Willow, then his gaze fell back on his brother. "This is David."

"Damien," Damien replied through clinched teeth.

Angel nodded. "Damien. My brother."

Willow gasped and Spike's eyes grew wide. "Your what?"

"My brother."

Spike started laughing. "You ... Angelus ... have a brother?"

Angel's gaze left Damien's as he looked at his childe. "Yes. I have a
brother."

"Bloody hell. This just keeps better and better doesn't it, Peaches? Got any
other relatives you forgot to mention to your childe?" he said in a hushed
laughing manner that had a bit of hate mixed with it.

Damien smirked when he saw the look that Angel gave to Spike. {Well, well,
well. Looks like big brother Liam is a daddy. Who would have ever thought?}
"So, you kept me secret, I take it. Nice to know I'm loved," he replied as
he took a seat on Angel's couch. Angel looked on and saw the tensity that
radiated through Willow as Damien pulled her down onto his lap. His eyes
quickly met Spike's and they both took a seat. Spike sat beside Damien and
Angel took the seat across from the couch. Willow was the first to break the
silence after a few minutes.

She looked at Damien, then Angel. "Why didn't either of you ever tell me you
had a brother?" They both looked away from her. She looked at Damien. "This
was why you are so contempt to keep me, isn't it?" Damien never met her
gaze. She looked at Angel. "And what is your excuse for telling me you never
had a younger brother? I knew of your sisters, but not of him. Why keep it a
secret, Angel?"

Angel looked at the floor, not really wanting to answer the question. He
knew that it was a selfish reason, but it was the only reason he had. He
hated admitting to it because it would finally show what a sick bastard he
always thought himself to be. But he knew that she, along with Spike and
even Damien, deserved to hear the truth.

"When Damien and I were younger, we always competed for the affection of the
ladies. He was smooth with the talking, but when it came to the looks, well,
the ladies would always go for me," he said softly as he heard a growl
coming from Damien. He looked up and met his gaze, but continued his story.
"I always wanted to be better than him. Always felt that since I was the
oldest of the two, that I always had to be on top of the game. The winner in
everything. And I did everything to prove that. After my turning, I knew
that I had accomplished far more than he ever could. I now had all the power
to make the ladies want me, yearn for me, worship me. I had it all. The
first few years, I told people about him, but they would look at me
differently. Like I was a monster for doing everything that I had done.

So, over the years, especially after I got the soul, I learned it was better
to keep my mouth shut and let no one know of his existence. That if I kept
him a secret, that I wouldn't be seen as a monster, but as a respectable
figure. It sounds stupid, but I always wanted to be respected and not hated.
I hate the feeling of someone rejecting me because of who I try to portray.
I hate the feeling that comes over me because my kid brother wasn't what I
thought he should have been."

Angel stopped his tale there and looked at the three figures in the room.
Spike was staring at the wall deep in thought, Willow looked at him with an
understanding that she knew and understood, and Damien looked at him with
total hatred. "You didn't tell anyone of my existence because you were
disappointed in me?"

"David, that's not what I meant," he responded, trying to show some
compassion for him.

Damien pushed Willow off of his lap and stood up, growling. "*MY* *NAME*
*IS* *DAMIEN!*" he screamed. "David died 247 years ago. The boy you knew
then no longer exists and it's about time you got that straight."

Angel stood from his seat and started towards the angry vampire. Damien
backed away and looked at him. "You didn't have to say it, Angel. I was
always a disappointment to you. The same as I was to our parents. That's why
you were always chosen over me. You were always perfect and I was always
imperfect. Whenever you made the mistakes, I was the one who took the blame.
Why? Because I loved you then and I always knew I would protect you. Even
though I was younger, I felt like your protector," he whispered softly, his
eyes never leaving Angel's. He turned them away and looked at Willow then
Spike, then looked out into the setting sun.

"After you disappeared and everyone else was killed mysteriously, I was left
on my own. I had no way of survival, no one to turn to. I had nothing left,
Liam. I was left alone. After three years, I decided that it was time that I
stopped grieving and started living. The night that I was turned, I went to
Rachel's grave and sat there for hours. Talking to her. Telling her how much
I loved her and how much I missed her. I knew then that it was you who was
to blame for her death and not mine," he turned to look at Angel.

"I will *never* forgive you for taking her away from me, Liam. You have
always taken away my loves and my devotions and used them for your own sick
and perverted explorations. You can deny this all you want, but you know
it's the truth. You were there the night of her death and you did nothing to
stop it."

Angel looked at Damien, then looked back at Spike. He knew things were about
to errupt. "Spike, take Willow up to the office."

Spike nodded and stood from his seat, reaching for Willow's hand. Damien
growled and pulled her behind him, showing that she wasn't going to leave
without his permission. Willow gently placed a hand on his shoulder and gave
him a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be fine," she whispered as she took Spike's
hand. Willow's eyes gave Angel a quick look then left the room behind Spike.
Angel nor Damien tore their gaze away from her as she entered the elevator
with Spike and left the apartment.

The moment the two were gone, Damien flung himself at Angel and had him
pinned on the floor. "Now, *big* *brother,*" he growled as he punched Angel
so hard it knocked him out. "It's time to play."
 

(~C~)

Damien sat in the chair across from the leather couch and waited impatiently
for his brother to awaken. He didn't think he had him hit that hard, but hard
enough to knock him out long enough to think. He needed to think about his
options now that he had seen Willow's love face to face. Things were going
to change drastically now because of who it was. At first, he wanted to kill
him, but now that he knew it was his brother, he wasn't sure what to do. He
did know that he wanted to take Willow and run far away from here, some
place where no one knew them, or knew of their existence. Unfortunately, he
knew Willow would never go for that. He wanted Willow happy no matter what,
but when it came to his brother, he would make it known who she belonged to.

He stood from his seat and started to pace the floor. {This isn't good. This
isn't good at all. For once in my life, I had something he didn't have. Why
did he have to be alive? Why couldn't he just stay dead?} he thought with
bitterness. {Fuck! Just as I *thought* I might have had a chance with her,
he has to go and be alive ... in a matter of speaking} he glared at Angel's
still form. {No. It *won't* happen again. This time, *I* will come out the
victor.}

He walked over to the couch and kicked Angel in the side. "Wake up, you
stupid bastard," he growled. Angel groaned a little, wondering why someone
was kicking him. When Damien saw that he wasn't making any movement, he
kicked him again, this time, just a little harder than before. "Wake up,
damn you," he growled again before punching him in the face. Angel's eyes
snapped open and before Damien knew what hit him, he was tackled to the
floor and pinned down by a hand around his throat. "*IF* you want to live,
baby brother, I would advice you to never hit me in my sleep. That
understood?" he growled as his eyes flashed yellow.

Damien pushed Angel off of him and stood up. "I no longer have to obey you.
You are *not* my big brother any longer. You gave that right up while we
were both alive. You've no longer the right to boss me around," he growled.

"I have *every* right as elder vampire in this home and as long as you are
under *my* roof, little boy, *you* *will* *obey* *me.*"

"Like hell," he growled before lunging himself at Angel. Angel moved before
Damien could attack him and watched as Damien fell to the floor. Damien
stood up and tackled Angel again, this time making contact. They both flew
backwards landing hard on the floor, both struggling with the other to be
the dominant fighter.

Damien threw a punch to Angel's face, but Angel quickly moved his head and
Damien's hand made contact with the floor. He howled in pain as Angel
through him off of his body. "That all you have, little boy?" Damien growled
and flung himself at Angel again, only to have Angel backhand him across his
face so hard he flew into the wall. Angel stalked over to him and picked him
by his collar, and looked deep into his yellow eyes.

"Does this remind you of the good ole times, baby brother? Huh? All the
fights you would pick with me then I would have to defend myself? Huh?" he
growled as he pushed him more into the wall. "Or have you forgotten that
every time we played that game, I always won?" he laughed as he dropped
Damien to the floor of the apartment.

Damien stood on shaky knees and watched as Angel backed up carefully, never
taking his eyes off of him. "You bastard," he growled.

Angel grinned. "That I am, *David,* but you've always known that haven't
you? Known that I could and would *always* take what belonged to you. Admit
it for once, Damien. You will *always* be second best to me. It's always
been that way hasn't it?" he smirked as he saw the look on Damien's face.
"You just can't handle that she loved me more than you. That *I* was the one
who could make her happy. That it was *I* who gave her what she needed. You
just couldn't handle that fact and you still hold me to blame for what
happened."

"You are to blame, Liam. If it wasn't for you and your gambling, she would
still be here with me and I wouldn't have to face the resentment yet again,"
he whispered in an angry tone.

"Again?" Angel asked confused. "Rachel happened over 250 years ago. You
*can't* still hold me responsible for that!"

"I'm not talking about Rachel, you blind *fuck!* I'm talking about Willow."

"Willow? Why are we talking about Willow now?" he asked confused.

Damien laughed. "My God. She was right. You *really* *are* blind to her,
aren't you?"

Angel's smile dropped and stared at Damien. "My God, Liam. I always thought
you were the brighter of us two, but you really don't see it do you?"

"See what?"

"Her, damn it! You don't see her! You don't see the love she has for you,
just like you never saw the love Rachel had for me. Damn it, Liam! If it
wasn't for you, Rachel would've never went to that warehouse and she
wouldn't have died. You *knew* about the evil that lurked in the shadows
*long* before your turning and yet, you still lured her into that warehouse.
Did you do it because you knew she loved me, or did you do it because it
gave you satisfaction to watch me mourn for her?" he cried because he wanted
to show Angel how much he was hurting. "You knew about the setup and yet,
you still allowed it to happen. Why? Why did you do it, Angel? Why did you
have to get pleasure out of my misery?"

Angel looked on in defeat and finally understood where his brother was
coming from. He finally understood why his brother hated him. He had blamed
him for something that wasn't his fault and Damien believed it was. He sat
in the chair and begged Damien to take a seat. Damien just stood there and
didn't move an inch. Angel looked at him and stood. "Fine. You want the
truth? I'll give you the god damn truth, but remember, I warned you before.
You got that?" Damien nodded. "Fine. Here's your truth," and Angel began his
tale.

~*~

"Rachel came over to the house that night. She wanted to go for a walk or
something. I said fine. I remember a dare that the boys down at the pub had
given me. I had decided not to do the dare because I thought it was too
dangerous. Don't ask me why, but I knew something about that warehouse that
I didn't like. And yes, I knew of vampires before I was turned because they
were what I loved. I loved the danger of it all. The darkness, no worries
about anything or anyone. I knew of what lurked in the shadows, but because
of her own stupidity, she died. It wasn't my fault, David.

That night that we went for a walk, we walked by that abandoned warehouse
and I tried to lure her away from it. But she *insisted* that we walk
through it. She wanted to see what the big secret about it was. She wanted
the danger even though I tried to stop her. When we got inside of the
warehouse, I don't even think that we were 20 feet before we were attacked.
I tried to fight them off, but how was I able to fight them when I had no
idea what I was fighting? When I realized that we were fighting were the
same creatures that I had fascination for, I tried to get to her and get her
out of danger. But I was too late. They had done had her for a feast. I
tried to prevent it from happening but they were too strong for me.

You can blame me all you desire, but it was Rachel's stupidity that got her
killed, not me. I don't know what more I could have done to prevent the
death from happening, but I gave my best to protect her. You ask if I did it
to watch you mourn and live in misery? How can you even think that? I loved
you because you were my kid brother. I hated it when I had to tell you what
happened to her and why it occurred. You think I liked watching you sit at
her gravestone and mourn for her for three years? You are blinded by your
own hate to even see the truth, David. And you are *not* going to drag me into
this anymore."

Damien stared on as he watched his brother's eyes fill the tears that he
never seen him cry. {Oh my God. I've hated him for this and ... oh my god}
Damien thought, his eyes shedding more tears as he learned the truth behind
Rachel's death. He looked up at his brother and saw the truth lying within
his eyes. Then something dawned on him. Something that he had heard his
brother say just moments before. "You watched me?"

Angel stared at him then nodded. "Yes."

"Why?"

Angel took a big gulp and sat down in the leather chair. "I wanted to make
sure you were ok. Darla," he laughed. "Said I was weak because I watched you
for all those years. I think for three years you were the reason I rarely
stayed home. Then one day, you disappeared and I was never able to find you
again. And that was when I decided that you were no longer going to exist
with me."

Damien sat down on the couch lost in his thoughts. "So, what do we do now?"
he questioned.

"What do you mean?"

Damien looked at him. "I'm not going to pretend that I'm going to forgive
you right away for Rachel's death, but I want to know what's going to happen
from this point."

"I still don't know what you me--"

"Willow, damn it. What's going to happen with her now?"

Angel shrugged. "I don't know. I don't even know how she feels about me.
I'll probably watch her from afar again. Worship her mind, body, and soul in
silence like I have done in the past. After all, it is you whom she loves.
Not me," he said with sadness in his eyes.

Damien laughed. "Man, you are stupid." Angel looked at him with confusion.
Damien stood and walked to stand in front of the window. "When Willow first
came to Sunnydale, my men and I had just arrived a few weeks before. We were
trying to get everything in order and work things out with the slayer, and
her watcher. Valerian, my eldest minion, was walking through the graveyard
and saw her fighting three of our best men. Willow I mean. He came back to
the house in a fury that night. Said that he had just seen the most
beautiful creature that ever walked this planet. Said that her hair was a
fire engine red and that she radiated the power of a beautiful Goddess.

The next evening, I wanted to see it for myself. I wanted to see if she was
truly the magnificent creature that he described. That night we walked
through the park, watching her every movement. We watched as she sat down on
a park bench and start to cry. It was almost as if she was suffering from a
great loss. I hated seeing her in that state of mind. Then she was attacked
by four vampires. I was about to go to her aide but Valerian held me back.
He told me to watch and so I did. She did a beautiful job at fighting them
off on her own. I walked out of the shadows and instead of being frightened
of me, or even try to fight, she just smiled. After that night, we became
good friends. She knew of what I was and after the slayer was killed, she
stood by and took over the job."

"Why did you turn her?"

Damien turned around, giving him a sad smile. "I turned her because I had no
other choice. There was a demon in town that we had been battling for nearly
a week. Willow decided to be a decoy so that my men and I could fight him.
Well, bad things occured and Willow got hurt, bad. She was bleeding to death
and I knew that I couldn't allow her to die. She had so many dreams that she
wanted and one of them was that the love of her life would one day want her.
So, I turned her. I gave her the life that I have and after her turning, I
fell deeper in love with her."

"That's very easy to do."

Damien nodded in agreement. "Liam, I want to say something and I want you to
listen to me, ok? It's not something you're going to want to hear, but I
feel as if I have to tell you the truth. So, will you listen and let me talk
before you ask questions?" Angel nodded. Damien looked at him and took a
deep breath. "Well, this is why I chose to come to Los Angelas, California."

~8~ Saying Goodbye

Damein took a deep breath and placed his arms on his legs as he scooted up
to look Angel in the eyes as he spoke. "When I first met Willow, she talked
about a love that she had, but he had rejected her because she believed he
loved someone else. When she told me this, all I wanted to do was find him
and ask him what the hell he was thinking. I mean, here is this beautiful
woman, not only beautiful on the outside but beautiful on the inside as
well, and he was rejecting her. I couldn't believe it when she told me this.

She told me about the times that he would just smile at her as if she were
the only person alive on the planet. How he would hug her and bring her in
so close she felt as if they were one person. Then she would talk about how
much he hurt her by turning her away for her best friend. I swear to you
now, Liam, all I wanted to do was find him and rip out his throat because of
all the pain that he had caused her.

She told me about the tales of her childhood here and how her, and friends
had befriended an ensouled vampire. Said that he was cunning, smart, free
spirited, but he held a lot guilt because of everything that he had done in
his past life. I have to admit I laughed when told me that tale. I thought,
'why on earth would a vampire avenge everyone that he has killed in his
life? It's not normal.' But after awhile, Willow showed me a whole different
side of what I had begin to think. She said that vampires didn't have to be
evil, even if they didn't have a soul. It was then that we, Daywalkers of
Sunnydale, decided that there wouldn't be anymore feeding on the blood of
innocents.

So, over the last month, we've been fighting the evil and working with the
innocents. Everything was going perfect for us, Liam. I was just starting to
have her for me. She was starting to love me and me alone. She was
forgetting that image of the man that was in her head and her heart, and I
was finally putting myself there. Then, damn it! Spike *had* to come back
and fuck things up," he growled as he stood and started to pace. "Our life
was fucked because of him and it made me angry. Really angry. She was
starting to regret my decision on giving her eternal life and she even
wished that I had let her die.

That made me angry. Very angry. I hit her so hard I knocked her against the
wall, and damn it, Liam. I've never once laid a hand on her before that
night. I knew that afterwards, I knew of what it was that I had to do. I had
to kill the image of the person that was in her heart and who was taking her
away from me. I had to have him dead in order to have my Willow love me and
want me.

So, I told her that we would be coming back to Los Angelas, but she would
have to ask permission before she did anything. I had become her controller
and that was something I wasn't before Spike came to town. I was *so*
*frightened* of losing her, that I became everything that I despised in both
of my lives. I also intended on making her beloved *Angel* disappear before
we left," he looked at Angel, who was in complete shock. Angel looked up at
him and their gazes met. "Yes, Liam. My reasons behind coming here with her
was to kill you. I wanted you dead and out of our lives so that I could love
her."

"And now?" Angel asked in a hushed whisper.

"And now," he replied. "I know what has to be done. I know of what I have to
do and I know now, who Willow truly belongs to."

"And who's that?"

Damien smiled. "I'm not going to lie to you, Liam. I will never forgive you
for always making me come in second to you, but I know of who Willow loves,"
he said through tears as they rolled down his face. "If you love Willow,
please admit it to her and let her know how much you cherish, love, and
worship her. Don't *ever* let her think you don't love her. Please."

Angel looked at his brother with a new respect. Was he really doing what he
thought? Was he giving up his rights and his claims to Willow to Angel? It
just wasn't possible. So, he did the only thing he knew. "What if Willow
doesn't want me?"

Damien smiled. "She'll accept, Liam. I know she will. She loves you after
all. It is you who holds the key to her heart and to her love. Not I. I
would like to remain in contact with her, however. Make sure she's ok and
let her know I'm still here for her if she ever needs me."

Angel nodded as he looked at Damien through tears. This was going to be the
toughest decision that Damien was ever going to have to make and Angel
realized that. Damien smiled at Angel as he backed up slowly and headed for
the elevator. He knew what had to be done and he knew it was right. Willow,
his beloved Willow, would no longer but to him, but would belong where she
was loved. With her Angel.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(~B~)

Willow looked up from her seat as she watched Damien enter the room. She
stood and walked to him, but he motioned for her sit back down. He looked at
the other occupants in the room and smiled at them. Buffy and Cordelia
looked up at him, and returned his smile.

"Hi," Buffy greeted. "I'm Buffy."

"The slayer."

"Yeah."

"I'm Cordelia. And this is Melanie, G, Doyle, and I believe you met Spike,"
she said as she pointed to the growling blonde. Damien nodded. "Yes, I know
Spike."

Willow looked up at him as she saw Angel enter the room. "Is everything ok
between you?" she asked silently. Damien looked down at her. "Everything's
fine. Could we talk privately?" Willow nodded and stood, following him into
Angel's office.

Spike looked at Angel after the door was shut and saw the look in his eyes.
"You ok?" Angel nodded with a smile. "Things couldn't be better."

~*~

"What's wrong?" Willow asked as Damien motioned for her to take a seat. He
kneeled before her, but he couldn't control the tears that flowed.

"I um, I've decided on something."

Willow took a hand and wiped away the tears that flowed from his eyes.
"What?" she asked softly.

He looked at her and despite his tears, he smiled. "I'm giving you to the
one you love." Willow looked confused. "I know that you love me, Willow, but
you can never love me like you do Liam. I can never compete with him and now
that I know the truth, I won't compete with him. He can give you the love
that you so deserve and the love that you have always wanted from him."

Willow pulled her hand away and stood. "He doesn't love me. He loves Buffy.
Always has and he always will."

Damien stood and walked to her. "No, Willow," he said as he put a finger
under her chin and looked into her eyes. "He doesn't. He loves *you,* baby.
He loves only you. He didn't admit to you before because he thought you
didn't love him. Now he knows you do and you two can finally be together."

Willow just stared. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why you doing this? I mean, is it a game, or a charade? What is going on?"

Damien shook his head. "No, baby. It's not a game or a charade. Downstairs,
Liam and I came to an understanding of the past, and I finally realized that
it was wrong of me to deny you the happiness that you deserve. I couldn't do
that to you, baby. The only request that I have, is that you keep in touch
with me, ok? I want to make sure you are ok," he said through his tears.

Willow nodded as she reached up and wiped away his tears. She leaned up and
pressed her lips to his, putting her arms around his neck and pulling him in
closer. Damien wrapped his arms around her waist and brought her so close
she almost melted into him. Knowing this was the last kiss that he would
ever receive from her, he wasn't sure if he could ever let go.

Reluctantly, he pulled away from her as more tears left his brown eyes. He
pressed his forehead to hers and looked into her deep emerald eyes. He
didn't want to walk out of that office door, but he knew if he didn't, she
would never be happy. He pulled away from her and placed a kiss on her
forehead before dropping his hands from her waist and backed up slowly. He
placed his hand on the knob and opened the door slightly. Never turning
around, he whispered, "I'll never stop loving you, no matter what," then
walked out of her life.

Willow stood there as she watched Damien walk out of the door, unsure of
what to do now. She loved him, but she knew he was right. She didn't love
him like she did Angel, but she still loved him. And perhaps this was for
the best, but that still didn't stop the pain. After she realized that he
was never coming back, Willow collapsed in the chair while her tears flowed
from her eyes. She cried for the love that he had given her but that she had
never returned. She cried for the love that she had for Angel and for the
newly recognizable that he too loved her. But most of all, she cried because
she was now free. Truly free.

Willow felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her and automatically knew
that it was him. He was here to comfort her and always would be. She wrapped
her arms around his neck and cried into his shoulders. She was finally safe,
free, and allowed to be herself. She was finally allowed to be Willow.

~9~ A Love Undone

//Diary Entry #56: January 27, 2003

Dear Diary.

It's been nearly two months since my beloved Damien walked out of my life
for good. I don't know why, but after his departure, I felt so many
different emotions that I didn't know what to feel. At first, I felt sad
because yet again, someone had given up on me and my feelings. But then, I
felt relieved because it was going to give me a chance to be with the person
that I *truly* wanted to be with. I never got to thank him for giving him me
that opportunity.

I miss Damien sometimes. I miss the love that he showed because it was an
unique love. After all, he is the one who gave me the eternal life that I
now have and he is the reason that I can now have my Angel for all of
eternity. Before that though, he was the best friend that I felt I had lost
when I left here. He was there for me when no one else was. He guided me
through my time of need and supported me when the others had left.

I received a letter from Xander about a week ago. He says that they are all
doing good and he wanted to apologize for his behavior from before. He said
that he should have had a better understanding of why Damien did what he
did. Said that they are all very sorry they never gave me the opportunity to
explain and that they would like to make up for the past.

(smiles softly) He can't make up for the past. None of them can. Because
what is done is done and we can only go on from here. Now that I've given
them the opportunity to listen to me explain the truth, they have all
decided to come home for a weekend. I'm so excited, Diary. Maybe, just
*maybe,* things will start getting back in place where they belong.

Spike and Buffy are doing great. They've finally moved in together. Buffy
said she's as happy as she could be. Nothing was ever going to stop her
happiness according to her. She was finally free to love her blonde vampire
with no problems and no obligations. She said it was because I was back, but
I think it was because she missed Riley and she's finally decided that it
was time to move on.

Cordelia and Doyle are getting married, as are Melanie and G. Cordelia's
asked me to be her maid-of-honor and Melanie and G are her bridesmaids.
Doyle as Angel to be his best man, while Spike and G are the groomsman.
Melanie wanted Buffy beside her and G wanted Angel. I told him I didn't mind
because it was a friend and I love Buffy. She loves Spike and wouldn't do
anything to ruin that relationship.

As for Angel and I, well, we're taking it slow. We haven't done anything
'physical' because we're not sure of how permanent his soul is. Not exactly
sure how far we can go before we ruin everything and set Angelus free. So,
for now, we're just keeping it light.

It's strange, Diary. Back in July, my adventure begun before it even
started. Because of Riley's deception, we have all found true happiness.
Buffy found hers with Spike, Melanie has G, Cordelia has Doyle, and I have
my Angel. The only person who has lost their love was Damien, but I don't
think he lost completely. He loved me enough to do what he felt was the
right thing to do and I hate to agree, but he did. He had to let me to go to
be free.

You wouldn't ever believe that I am now nearly three months old in my
vampire life. Having been turned a few days before Halloween. Who would have
ever thought that I, Willow Rosenburg, would be celebrating my three-months
birthday with all those that I love dearly?

(smiles) Life is great sometimes and on every occasion, you never know what
to expect. Goodnight, Diary.

Yours For Eternity,
Willow A. Rosenburg//

~10~ Always And Forever

Angel stood at the doorway of his and Willow's bedroom. He couldn't believe
that merely two months before, he had been fighting for her affection, her
warmth, her love. And now, he have that and so much more. He knew how much
she wanted to be with him physically, but was so afraid of releasing
Angelus. He tried so hard to keep it to himself that his soul was permanent,
but knew that she hadn't realized it. After all, true happiness didn't have
to come in the physical form. He felt it even if she only smiled or laughed
at a lame joke. He was just happy being with her. Truly happy.

He walked slowly over to the bed, gently laying beside her and pressed his
lips to hers, awakening his sleeping beauty. Willow's eyes fluttered open
and she gave him a soft smile. "Hello, my love," she said in a soft whisper.
Angel didn't respond with words, but only responded by gently kissing her
neck. Willow moaned out loud and arched her back into him, unknowingly
giving him more access to her delicious neck. She closed her eyes as the
images that were soon to come poored through her mind.

Angel moved on top of Willow's body, his mouth never leaving her neck. His
left hand held her at her waist as his right found a breast. He caressed his
sweat pant covered erection over her her silky wet panties as she moaned out
his name. Her arms automatically around his neck, trying to pull him closer.
She knew that this could have dangerous side affects, but she didn't really
care. All that she cared about was the emotions that he was making her feel
and that this felt so good to be wrong.

She had imagined their first night together a little more romantic, but
didn't really care at the point what was romantic or not. All she knew was
that she needed and wanted him right then and there. Angel moved down her
body in a slick and sly way, moving his lips over anything that was exposed
to his mouth. He pulled away from her body and helped her sit up while he
removed her slip. She was completely naked underneath and Angel just smiled,
with Willow returning it.

He pushed her gently back on the bed and continued his torment down her
body. When he reached his destination, he smiled up at her and she looked at
him curiously. No one had ever touched her there like this, not even Damien.
When she saw Angel's tongue dip inside of her and take a long and torturous
lick, she bucked up her hips and moaned out his name. Angel smiled at the
affects that he was having on her, happy to know that he was giving her
pleasure.

He licked her deep and lustful for what seemed like an eternity for Willow.
Angel gently slipped in two of his fingers and moved them in and out of
Willow's wet cunt. Giving her pussy one last lick, he moved up her body, but
never once stopped his attack with his fingers. He moved faster and Willow
moved her hips, trying to get the friction that she needed before she
exploded.

She closed her eyes and gripped his arms so tight that she drew blood from
his skin. She moved her hips faster as he moved his fingers faster within
her, knowing she was close. He whispered for her to come softly in her ear,
moving his fingers faster and deeper, beggin for her to come. He watched as
her eyes fluttered open and looked at him, glazed over with passion, lust,
and desire for him. He moved down her body and right back to her awaiting
pussy as she screamed out his name. Angel licked up every bit of what she
gave and began his attack once more.

For what seemed like an eternity, Angel brought Willow to orgasm after
orgasm with just his mouth, tongue, and fingers. She loved it thought. But
she wanted to feel him inside her. *Needed* to feel him.

"Angel," she whispered softly. "I need ... I need you ... now ..." Angel
obliged and moved her body. He took her mouth into his own as he entered her
slowly. So cold, but yet so warm at the same time. Angel closed his eyes and
relished in the movements that she was creating with him. No matter how hard
he thrusted inside her, the more she attacked the same.

Angel moved deeper and faster inside of her, knowing they were both closed.
He moved his hand in between their bodies and the moment he pinched her in
her sacred spot, she screamed out his name. Thrusting into her one last
time, he growled out her name as he bit into her delicious neck.

He purred softly as he drank from the woman he loved and she rubbed his
back, allowing him to drink all he needed. He retracted his fangs from her
neck and rolled off of her. He pulled her in close to him and licked at the
wounds on her neck that he had just created.

Willow closed her eyes as she heard her beloved fall asleep on her chest.
She knew he was sound asleep by the purring sound that he was making. She
wrapped her arms around him and closed her eyes softly. She sighed a deep
and contented sigh, knowing that this was the way things were meant to be.

Always and Forever.
 

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