Rating: PG
Spoilers: Only if you've never seen Angel or BtVS. This story is Post-NFA, with references to the past as we know it.
Notes: This fic was written for Nashmaveric's
Cole Porter Ficathon. When I received the lyrics, I mapped out an entire
story, but for some
reason as I would sit down to write it, the muse just wouldn't cooperate.
I finally got around to listening to the song and I cried. The song
is just
so sad and evoked a total different reaction upon listening.
The song is quite angsty, which so suits Angel/Spike. They are best,
I think, when
covered in angst. So I do hope I did the song and the request
by Nicole justice. I'm sorry I'm so late with this and the smut is
MIA. For some
reason, and I think it was the song, the smut and Spangel hot loving
just wouldn't come forth. I started a new job, was having some computer
problems, and the must just left me hanging. I never would have
finished this if it wasn't for my good friend and wonderful beta, Lori.
Assignment: The song I was assigned is titled,
"Ev'ry Time We Say Goodbye", sung by Natalie Cole. Here is my mission
as I chose to accept it.
Author Name: Nicole; Preferred Rating and Genre: NC-17
smut, angst; Preferred Pairing: Spangel!!!!!!!! Second Pairing Choice:
Spike & Wesley.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
May 2005
Twirling the melting ice in his empty glass, Angel sat in the dim bar lost in thought. One year.he couldn't believe it had been a year since he left Los Angeles.a year since he had sent Wesley to his death and Gunn and Illyria were brought down as they all fought in the alley.a year since he walked away from his childe once again. Staring down at his glass, he watched the condensation slide slowly down the sides. He was still amazed that they had survived the battle.well at least he and Spike had. His eyes glittered with unshed tears as he remembered his friends who didn't make it - Doyle, Cordy, Fred, Wes, Gunn, and yes, even Illyria - the loss, the sad goodbyes.
Every time we say goodbye, I die a little
Every time we say goodbye, I wonder why a
little.
He looked up when he felt a presence next to him. When she had his attention, the waitress asked if he wanted another drink. Angel nodded as he glanced around, surprised to see how many people were now in the bar. It had been empty when he arrived. He knew this place had live entertainment on the weekends, so that must be the reason. While waiting for the waitress to return with his drink, he kept looking around the room. He did this in every bar in every city he visited - searching for the platinum hair, never finding it. Radioactive. That's what he mockingly had called it when he and incorporeal Spike had their conversation on the couch. Spike was seeing ghosts although the mystics could sense no supernatural presence, except him of course. They all thought he was crazy - until Pavayne. And Spike.he gave up a chance to become corporeal to save Fred. If he were honest with himself he knew that Spike, even unsouled, would have saved his friend.
He wondered where Spike was. What he was doing. They never discussed where they were going after the fight, but agreed it would be best for to separate if they made it out of the alley alive that fateful night. Another wordless goodbye to his Childe. Although he pushed away thoughts of Angelus and William, once in a while they broke through his barriers. When Darla and Drusilla were gone, he and William, or Spike as he soon preferred, hunted. Sometimes Spike could control himself and Angelus could teach him the artful way to kill. Sometimes during the day when Angelus took out his pencils to sketch, Spike became William - his blue eyes hauntingly beautiful, his soft light brown hair curling around his face. William smiling and lying seductively naked in front of the fire knowing that his Sire could not resist him. Those days resulted in making love with his Childe. Days like that did not happen often. Angelus had to overpower, had to destroy gentle moments, had to hurt his boy.
Why the Gods above me,
Who must be in the know,
Think so little of me
They allow you to go.
Sensing movement, Angel shook his head and looked up as the waitress returned to his table. He nodded in thanks and forced away his fond thoughts of time spent with William. Taking a sip, he returned to more recent memories - Connor, well adjusted and happy in his new life, his brief time with Nina. But all too soon other more painful thoughts demanded his attention - Drogyn, the Black Thorn, killing Lindsey - these thoughts blocked out the buzz circulating the room as he sat alone in a crowd.
********************
Spike sprawled comfortably on the couch, twirling the amber contents in his glass. He was surprised at how fast the time had gone. He looked up at the calendar hanging on the wall - May 2005. Had it really been a year? Since.he had been stunned when he and Angel were still standing in the alley. Neither of them really believed they would survive a battle with the Senior Partners and their minions. He and Angel were the only ones left. The others were gone; their friends lost in a fight against ultimate evil. Now here he was, one year later with nothing but his memories. He hadn't returned to Los Angeles, instead he traveled around the country, doing his small part in the good fight as he was sure Angel was. He thought often of Angel and wondered where he was at this moment, wondered if he remembered what today was.
He had been amazed at how far he and Angel had come since he spectacularly appeared in LA, popping out of that amulet like a jack-in-box. He grinned to himself. He was, after all, a bit of a show off. The grin faded as he saw Angel's face in his mind. Sure they butted heads and snarked at each other constantly, but they had always done that - even in the old days. He realized though that something changed between them in the course of the year he helped Angel - it was like they came to a better appreciation of each other and of themselves. He understood Angel more than he ever thought he would - especially after that insane slayer cut off his hands. He'd never taken full responsibility for what he did as a demon. He was a vampire, being a vampire. That was his excuse. Didn't feel he had anything to atone for since everything he had done was before he got his soul. It took the mutilation of his hands to make him comprehend what Angel had been saying. It wasn't just the lives he took; although that was bad enough. It was the damage he left behind, the other victims he never thought of - the family members and their devastating losses. He always baited Angel with his constant brooding about his past deeds, his wandering alone for 100 years tormented by the horrors of what he had done. He always thought he was the better vampire - after all he sought his soul and he dealt with it better, after the initial insanity courtesy of the First. Finally he realized that he had had a support system of sorts when he returned from Africa while Angel had to deal with everything alone.
Spike got up to refill his glass; his mind going back in time to Romania when Darla told him that Angelus left. He didn't know why and as much as he pestered Darla, she wouldn't give him a reason. He couldn't believe that Angelus would just leave them.him with no explanation. He remembered days alone with his Sire when the women were away. Angelus sketched him for hours, naked stretched in front of the fire, sprawled on a chair. Angelus listened as he read his favorite poetry, Byron, Shelley, Keats. Those days ended in passion and tenderness.
When you're near
There's such an air of spring about it,
I can hear a lark somewhere
Begin to sing about it
Spike grimaced at the harsher memories forcing their way in. Unfortunately there were not enough of those loving days. Then out of the blue, Angelus showed up in China. Spike smiled as he remembered how excited he was to tell Angelus that he had killed a slayer, and how confused and disappointed he was by his Sire's reaction. Soon after that Angelus was gone again with no explanation, no goodbye. Funny that he didn't pick up on the soul then as he did when he first arrived in Sunnydale.
He frowned a bit as he remembered his part in getting Angel sent to hell, although he thought that he would have still been Angelus. He made the deal with the slayer and took Dru out of town. Of course he returned to Sunnydale after Dru dumped him, and if he were honest, he was seeking his Sire. Lonely and missing Dru, he did nothing but snark at Angel and Buffy, taunting them with the love they tried to deny. God how he hated seeing his Sire beg and pant at the feet of the slayer, but then he pretty much did the same thing not long after. He chuckled at the hypocrisy of it. He had to admit to himself that his attitude toward the relationship between Buffy and Angel ran much deeper than he ever admitted to either of them. If he was truthful about it, he was just plain jealous - jealous of the slayer. When he came to that shocking realization, he had been furious with himself and quickly pushed the feeling away.
"Hey Spike, ya got 5."
Spike pulled himself out of his reverie, took a long swallow of his whiskey and checked his clothes in the mirror. He smiled. Black leather pants that caressed his body tightly and a soft dark blue suede shirt tucked in and opened almost to the waist. He knew the women and some of the men came to see him gyrate as well as to hear him sing. He smirked at himself for needing their attention. He walked out into the bar, grinning at the audience hooting and applauding. He spoke to the band and then turned around and began his first song of the night - a rousing rendition of "Enter the Sandman" by Metallica.
********************
There's no love song finer
But how strange the change from major to minor,
Every time we say good bye.
Angel had been staring into his glass as if seeking solace in the whiskey. There would be no solace. Spike was gone from his life and he had to go on eternally alone. He frowned thinking that for most of his two hundred plus years, he had been alone. He had tried several times to live among humans, but fear drove him away. Most of the time after the curse he hid in solitude, scavenging for survival on rats' blood in filthy alleys. Until Whistler came. Until.until Buffy.
Every time we say goodbye, I die a little,
Every time we say goodbye, I wonder why a
little
Suddenly he looked up from his quiet corner in the back of the bar. That voice. It couldn't be. Not here. He had been thinking too much of.He sniffed the air and amid all the booze and sweat, he smelled his.his.Spike? Angel stiffened. He stared at the platinum hair, the provocative clothing. Involuntarily, he felt his cock harden and he willed his arousal away. Angel listened to Spike sing, watching intently as he danced and flirted with the audience.
********************
Why the Gods above me
Who must be in the know
Think so little of me
They allow you to go.
When you're near,
There's an air of spring about it
Spike sensed something when he was singing. It couldn't be. Why would Angel be here? He had just been thinking about him too much lately. He finished his first song and went quickly into another. He still felt something, but.He shook it off and walked over to the bar as the band took a quick break. He got his whiskey and stood with his back turned to the room, still feeling a presence.He spun around at the soft voice.
"Spike?" Angel whispered.
"Angel?"
The two vampires stared at each other silently for a long moment. They both stepped forward at the same time and almost crashed into each other. The older vampire grasped Spike's arm to keep himself from stumbling and the younger vampire did the same to Angel.
Spike grinned, forcing bravado into his trembling voice. "Heard I was singing huh? Crowd pleaser I am. Place is packed." He stopped when Angel opened his mouth.
"I never thought I'd see you again. I thought you were lost to me." Angel's voice quivered as he held Spike's arm tighter.
Refusing to reveal his true feelings, terrified of a rebuff, Spike snarked. "Hey ponce, gonna break a bone."
Angel startled, released Spike's arm and took a step back. "Sorry.sorry.it's good to see you. Um.I'm glad you're doing so well."
"You look okay too Angel. Been keepin' busy?"
"Yeah.I."
One of his bandmates yelled from the stage. "Hey Spike, we're on!"
Angel stepped back further and nodded.
"Gotta go.wanna wait a bit? I'll buy you a beer?" Spike asked trying to hide the worry in his voice.
"I.Do you want me to wait?"
"If ya got nothin' better to do. No damsels need savin?" Spike could have bitten his tongue at the look on Angel's face. "Sorry.didn't mean."
"It's.it's okay Spike. Go sing." Angel gave him a small smile.
Spike went back on stage. He saw Angel sit at his table in the back. For the next half hour he sang and danced and flirted. The bar was crowded and he couldn't really see Angel. The band finished their set and Spike quickly walked toward the back of the bar. Angel was not at the table. He glanced around but could not see him anywhere. His chest tightened and unwanted tears glittered in his eyes. He swallowed and anger festered amid the thoughts in his mind. So like Angel. Leaving, never saying good-bye.
"Bollocks. I'm better on my own. Buggering git." Spike turned to the bartender. "Tell Ryan I went out for a smoke. Got a bit of a headache. Maybe Jesse could sing the next set."
The man nodded and Spike quickly left the bar. Busy lighting his cigarette, he wasn't watching where he was going and ran into a man standing at the side of the building.
"Uh.sorry mate, wasn't payin'." He stopped and looked up at the man he had bumped into. "Couldn't stand the music? Not exactly sodding Beethoven is it?"
Angel looked down at Spike, his eyes terribly sad. "I.I was going to leave again. It's what I do best."
"Don't have to tell me that. Bugger this. See you around Angel." As Spike turned, Angel reached for his arm and held on. He forced the younger vampire back around.
"Bloody hell you pillock, let go!" Spike struggled but the larger vampire held him fast.
Angel's soft voice trembled. "I've.I've always let you go Will. I can't .I don't.I need you Spike. I don't want to be alone anymore."
Spike shivered when Angel called him Will and stared into the older vampire's face. "You.you leave me again and I'll.I'll find you and put a stake in that broody heart of yours."
Angel drew the younger vampire against his chest, hugging him tightly.
"It's a good thing I don't need to breathe git." Spike snarked to cover the deep emotion he felt as his Sire held him in his arms once again.
Angel laughed and released him. "I've missed you Spike. God, if you even knew how much. I thought I lost you forever."
Spike grinned. "You know me ya pouf. I always turn up.like that proverbial bad penny."
Every time we say goodbye, I die a little.
Every time we say goodbye, I wonder why a
little.
Now the Gods above me
Who must be in the know
See how much I need you
And can never let you go.
THE END