Rating- pg13
Warning- angst abounds
Pairing: Spike/Angel
Summery: what if Spike and not Darla had found Angel the night he was ensouled?
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He never told anyone how he found him. It had been more than he could bear. It had been like seeing his God on the gallows. It had been like seeing Mickey Mouse smoking. Or the first time a child realizes their parents are druggies, or that they fall, or swear. He had come home from a night of feasting with his princess to find his God crying pathetic in a corner. The sobbing mass just stared at him, he saw a trace of his Lord in this wretches eyes.
"Angelus?" Spike ask slowly approaching the man. "What is the matter? What's happened?" he asked on the verge of hysterics. If Angelus his maker, the man who had broken, and loved, and taught him could be hurt it would surly trickle down to hurt him.
"William?" he asked using the name the boy would only tolerate in private. "Ma boy, what have I done? Who have I hurt? Who haven't I hurt? Even you ma boy. I allowed Drusilla to destroy a work of art: a beautiful poet."
"Angelus, Sire, come off it man." Said Spike with a laugh thinking his sire was playing him for a fool. "A beautiful poet! A bloody awful poet more like. Angelus come off it! Let's go feed."
At the mention of feeding Angelus started to vomit. And shake. "What have I done?" he asked with a sob. "I'm sorry ma boy, I've ruined you."
"No Sire, you've made me better, you've made me a man. Don't say these things. If you do not with to feed, come to bed with me. The women will be gone all night. You've made me strong, you've made me all I am."
"I've made a monster." Angelus said crumbling back into himself.
Spike felt like he'd died just a little. "Sire, don't say these things! Tell me what can I do to please you? I just want you to be happy."
"Leave me, William, I wish to be alone with my self loathing."
"I have to leave? Leave YOU? What will I be without you?" said the childe dejectedly.
"I can do nothing, for you William." Said his sire sadly.
"I love you, Sire." Spike said as he backed away. "Don't make me go. Maybe your daughter's worn on me for I can smell the soul on you, if you're afraid I'll protect you. If you hate me. . . please, whatever I've done I'll fix. Whatever you want, I'll be vicious or tame. I'll obey or challenge. I'll never look at Dru again. I'll kill everyone on earth or no one at all. If you command it, I'll do anything. I'll be a puppet on your string or lord over you. I'll do anything. Just don't make me leave. Please." He sobbed.
"William, I can't look at you right now, not for what you are or have done, but what I forced you to do. I disgust myself. I can never redeem myself to you." The man said as though it pained him too.
"Redeem? I forgive you now. There need be no restitution. Leave with me now? Or come to bed with me and leave come the morn' when your sire has already disowned you. Now put this aside Don't force me to leave."
"Darla will loath me as you should. She will loath me for I am broken. Yet you, who has so recently left the mortal coil should loath me for all I've done to you. Why don't you? You must still have human thoughts. How would you feel if your soul was given back to you? Honestly now."
"Disgusted and broken by all the things I've done. . . I feel that way now though. I've done everything I've done to prove myself to Dru and you… and I've tried to make the best of it. . . but if I were reensouled I would want you there. . . I would hate you if you left me. Come away with me. We'll live outside of this world you and I for always."
"You never enjoyed the kill?" he asked softly. "You would leave Drusilla for me? We could do that? We could leave?
"I enjoyed hunting, certainly. But the kill was always disgusting and wicked to me. Like a butcher I suppose. I tried to. . . for you and Dru. . . but I never had the stomach. I wrote some poetry on it." He said softly as he stalked towards his Sire. "Come away with me? I'll fix all this?" he asked pleadingly. "Please don't make me leave you. You'd only be adding to your sins."
Angel pulled the boy towards him, "Help me pack?" he asked softly. It was all Spike could do not to cry with happiness.