Warning- angst abounds
Description: Spike goes to the only person he can when he's lost.
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It was only as Angel stripped me that I realized just how wounded, dirty, and thin I was. My other realization was that I was as hard as a rock and had been since Angel had reopened the bond. Hands fluttered down my body to remedy the problem. Grabbing his hands I stopped them in their path. I felt him sigh as he raked his tongue across the roof of my mouth.
For a moment he paused and then he wrenched his hands free and continued their journey. Resolutely I caught them and held them surely on my hips. He pulled away from me. "I'm sorry." I said softly as I watched him test the bath water temperature. "We can't go much further and I like where we are. Any further and we'll both get hurt." I am such a whiny little bitch when it comes to this man. He is my Sire in both name and deed now. He turned me. Oh god, I love him.
"You don't have to worry about my soul." He said with a soft laugh and a smile that scared me. It was pure Angelus. He was either going to prove what a silly childe I am or tear me in half with his next words.
"Well someone has to as you clearly won't." I said as he stood up.
"I thought you would have known from the bond. . . I won't lose it."
"What is it affixed now?" I said sarcastically. "Are you like Peter Pan? Did you sow it on or does it stick with soap?"
"I won't have a "perfect moment of happiness" with you."
A stake could have done no more damage than those words. What am I to him? A bit of bloody ass, for Christ's sakes? "So what, are you tantric now or do I just not make you happy?" All thoughts of lust gone from my body and mind. I started to walk out of the suddenly tiny bathroom. Angel made to grab my arm but I swerved out of his reach. "Don't try to get me, Angel, you don't want me anyway." I knew I sounded like a petulant childe, I bloody well knew I was being sullen. Yet I couldn't bring myself to change my tone. Though I knew he loved me I was still hurt and confused.
He sighed and I could almost hear his eyes rolling in his skull. For a moment he paused to turn off the taps. Following me he made to seize my hips. Angrily I turned back to him. "Why can't you talk to me without having to physically dominate me? For just one minute forget that I'm your childe and speak to me as a person! Why is your soul so safe with me? Just speak to me!"
"Because I' love you so much and I've done so many horribly, wickedly, cruel things to you. I can never forgive myself. And no matter how happy I am some part of me would be so afraid of hurting you again that it would stop me from ever having that "moment".I love you too fucking much. It wouldn't work with anyone but you. I have never nor will I ever love anyone as deeply as I love you."
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He smiled. It wasn't his smirk or sneer, it was his rarely seen, beautiful smile. Was it possible for my unbeating heart to stop in my chest? "Not even?" he asked and then stopped, ashamed for asking. Ashamed for caring?
"Buffy is a silly little girl that I had an odd almost fatherly thing for. You're my soul mate."
His face ashened. "I don't have a soul." He said in a child like whisper.
"Do you want it?" I asked. "He looked up at me with that helpless look in his eyes. "Don't give me that face the, "make the decision for me because I' afraid to make a mistake and lose you," face. I'm not going to leave you, Spike, I don't know how many times I have to tell you that this is permanent before you get it. No matter what you say I'll still be here, loving you. There is no wrong answer." I fucked over his sense self-worth back in the good old days.
"Fighting for that was the most painful and scary thing I ever did. I'm so scared to do that again." He said looking haunted.
"You wouldn't have to go through that again. I could go and "talk" to the demon. He entered the contract and so has the duty to ensure that it's there if you want it."
"It hurt so bad. Afterwards I went mad. I don't understand how you do it. I don't know how your knees don't buckle under the weight, and I don't mean figuratively it felt like I had a physical weight around my neck. And I felt like I was burning. I didn't feel less evil or. . . whatever I thought I would some sense of grief and righteousness. All I felt was ill."
"That's because you were never evil. You did what you needed to do."
"And it's weird, because in many ways the chip did more to change me than my soul. Now I don't aquate people with food. I see people. When I saw Cordelia I saw her and not her neck. And it's the same with people I don't know." I know my mouth was gapping I do see the neck, not with Cordy but certainly with the random bodies that pass by. "I don't want my soul- it never made me a better man."
"Then don't have it." I said simply. I reached out to touch his face but stopped not wanting to "physically dominate" him. He smiled and took the hand in his own. "Commo, let's get you in the bath and get you cleaned up." The fucking doorbell rang, I sighed heavily. "Go ahead. I'll be there in two minutes." I turned to go then turned back and kissed him harshly. "I love you."