Pairings: Spike/Angel
Rating: PG-13 this chapter, eventually NC-17
Disclaimer: The characters certainly do not belong to me, but to Joss, Mutant Enemy et al, I do not make any money from this.
SUMMARY: Written as a response to the LJ Loving Angel 69
Angel/Spike "I Will Not Fade Away" Ficathon Challenge.
***Also as a response to the Forging Ghost Ficathon challenge #67
`Staggering from the ominous alleyway, Angel, the only survivor of
the fight is not carrying a survivor in his arms, but a newly born
man...'
Feedback: If you like it, I'd love to know
A/N: The inspirational lyrics were:
Change your heart/Look around you/Change your heart/I need your lovin'/Like the sunshine/Everybody's gotta learn sometime/Everybody's gotta learn sometime/Everybody's gotta learn sometime ~ Everybody's Gotta Learn by Beck
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He'd had a simple choice to make; he should have acted on impulse and perhaps then he could have saved one of them. Angel couldn't possibly have helped them both and his split second faltering cost him so dearly.
The dragon bore down on Illyria and tore her body apart before Angel could reach her. His hands clutched at empty air as the powerful downbeat of its elegant diaphanous wings almost knocked him flat. The broken shell that had contained Illyria... that had once been Fred... fell to the ground unnoticed by the army streaming towards him. Once again beauty and horror were mixed up in a maelstrom of violence.
Even as Angel had stretched out to her he'd known it was the wrong choice, his head turning to Spike as if begging for forgiveness. Steadying himself, Angel grasped the sword tighter and charged towards the melee with a berserker's cry ringing clear, still determined to try anyway. Everything seemed to slow down, Angel included; he felt as though he was fighting the air itself. Spike didn't even see his approach, and though he ducked and kicked and slashed he appeared almost uneasy. He looked as if he'd suddenly realized that this was a fight he was going to lose. In spite of everything, even though he was hopelessly outnumbered, he still fought on.
Angel couldn't stop the fearful cry erupting from deep within; he knew he wasn't going to be in time, that he was going to lose Spike as well. Spike glanced round at him one final time as he heard Angel's voice. A sad smile and then he threw his head back with a defiant roar; all fists, fangs and fighting. The howl was cut rudely short as an insolent sword swept through the air and cleft his head from his body.
Angel watched in total disbelief as the remains of his beautiful boy imploded; the motes hung suspended in the air for a few seconds.
This was all wrong. Angel hadn't truly minded signing away the prophecy because he knew there was another to take his place. He'd found some comfort in the knowledge that there had been someone else around to share the impossible burden of being a Champion, even if he hadn't wanted to share. He'd spent so long fighting Spike, instead of helping him on that path.
Now it was too late... he'd stupidly distracted Spike, and they were all gone. They'd taken out the Circle, but had it been worth it? Why was he the only one left? Did he want to be the only one left? At that moment Angel really didn't know; he didn't want to think about starting all over again. For the first time in years Angel was utterly without a friend in the world.
With the heaviness of defeat descending fully on him Angel let the sword drop from his grip and barely registered the hollow clank as it hit the ground. He let the demons swarm over him; he accepted the blows. and welcomed the coming darkness. He knew that he was now ready to leave this world.
*
A crack to his head revived Angel, coughing automatically as another kick was delivered to his stomach.
"Wake up. Come on, some of us still have schedules to work to." Angel recognized the brisk, business-like tone; he wasn't really too surprised to hear that particular voice.
He blinked, trying to focus his eyes, and gradually made out the polished black heels and shapely ankles. Painfully licking his bruised and swollen lips in an attempt to get some moisture in his mouth, Angel croaked out her name. "Lilah Morgan. so you're still under contract to the Senior Partners then?"
Lilah bent down and yanked him awkwardly upright into a sitting position. "I'll always be under contract. not so bad really, better than when I was alive. Enough about me, let's get down to business. Tell me, why are you always so ready to go? They don't want you gone. but they did want you punished. Remember, naughty boys don't get any treats."
She shook her head as she glimpsed quickly up at the gradually brightening pre-dawn sky. "For now I recommend you take your friend and get inside before the sunrise finishes you both off. Oh, `thank you' would've been nice, not easy trying to pull back a couple of hundred bloodthirsty demons."
She started walking out of the alleyway with her heels clip-clip- clopping into nothingness. Angel's head started to turn to see if she had actually faded away but stopped at the sight that met his eyes. The alleyway was almost clear of bodies. No demons, no Illyria, no Gunn. There was only one other body there; the body he'd never expected to see again.Spike.
Ignoring the agony coursing through his body Angel fell forwards onto his hands and knees and tentatively crawled towards the irrational sight. Spike was unconscious and didn't respond to Angel's rough hand shaking his shoulder. Summoning whatever strength he still had, together with some that he didn't know he possessed, Angel stood up and gathered Spike's naked form into his arms.
He'd started heading for the Hyperion's entrance when he almost dropped Spike in shock. Spike was breathing; honest to goodness breathing. Angel staggered/ran inside, his legs hardly able to keep him upright, much less moving; he knew that if he stopped to examine Spike outside he'd be so caught up in the moment that he'd end up kissing sunlight.
In the safety of the lobby Angel laid his boy tenderly and wonderingly on the floor. He was so tired and hurt that even the marrow of his bones ached. Yet his vision was ensnared by the miracle lying next to him; he simply could not tear his eyes away.
He was transfixed by the hypnotic way Spike's chest rose and fell; by the pale skin made a little pinker by the blood surging through arteries and veins underneath it. Unable, unwilling even, to resist the temptation Angel moved a little closer and laid a hand over Spike's chest, gasping as he felt the strong drumming beat reverberating within.
He moved even closer in, and looked down on Spike's face. Everything looked the same, he was entirely unchanged. A little gush of sadness flowed through Angel at the thought that the only difference was mortality; he'd assumed... he'd hoped... if he had Shanshu'd that he would have had a completely new start. He wanted to be able to forget what he'd done, wanted to be able to live out his second chance at life in peace. He pressed his lips against Spike's smooth and yielding mouth in benediction, and marveled at the soft caress of his breaths.
Finally satisfied that Spike was now human Angel let himself drift off to sleep with the words he'd uttered to Gunn in despair floating in his mind. "In the end, he... Spike was stronger. He wanted it more." For the first time in months Angel slept peacefully as he knew that things would start to be all right now. Somehow he knew that while the Senior Partners might have gained the victory in this battle they hadn't won the war.
*
Angel was woken by an insistent nibbling at his neck. He ignored, with a lot of difficulty, the inevitable reaction this always produced in his disloyal body. Fighting his rising desire, he reluctantly pushed Spike away from him. The expression of disappointment and uncertainty on Spike's face was almost enough to make Angel focus on what he should now do instead of what he wanted to do.
"That's enough, Spike." Angel spoke a little more forcefully than he wanted. He was suddenly worried that Spike might have been re-born human as another ploy by the Senior Partners. He was also more than a little frustrated with his body's unwillingness to relax. As much as he'd been powerless to look away from Spike earlier Angel was now unable to focus on him, thankful that at least one of them was clothed.
"But `m hungry." Spike whined, a pout appearing. He tried to clamp onto Angel's throat again and his blunt teeth scraped wickedly against Angel's now hypersensitive skin. Angel gasped, his gut reaction was to grab hold of Spike and show him just how glad he was to have him there. Mercifully his body was frozen, his mind was still just enough in control; he wanted him, but he didn't know just how Spike would react.
They'd never spoken about that one time... as if analyzing it would have destroyed the wonderful mystery of it. Angel had been torn between the desire to be that close to him again and the knowledge that Spike would have been able to do just about anything and still be forgiven. Before last night Angel couldn't have let Spike have that much power over him... he'd surrendered enough power over his destiny, and had tried to grasp it back.
What was more important to Angel - love or power? Something inside him knew that unfortunately up to that point the answer had been power. He'd been given another chance now; he could try to change his inner nature. The soul had overcome the demon, hadn't it? The only problem was that the demon wasn't the only source of evil within him. Angelus had only ever been the leash taken off the worthless human Liam and let out to run free with a terrible purpose.
Shaking his head as if it would clear his mind, Angel drew away from Spike's gnawing and resisting the almost overpowering desire to sink his own fangs in. Spike pulled back with the confusion clear on his unchanged face. "What's happened to me teeth? What've you done to me. oh, God, I'm hungry hungry. Where's me bloody clothes, poof? What's that bloody noise? You got drums going somewhere in here, mate?"
"Calm down, Spike. You did it. You won the big prize." Angel took Spike's frantically waving hand in his and placed it palm down on Spike's own chest.
Spike's eyes widened in astonishment and his mouth fell open in realization as the penny slowly dropped. "Fu. what. alive? I'm alive?" Spike's head moved wildly as he looked around him and took in the empty lobby. His voice grew steadily louder from the shocked whispering it had been. "So what happened? Where's the others? What's happened to them?"
Angel's mind reeled as if an unseen hand had drawn back and slapped it hard. How could he have forgotten all about his friends? He'd been so delighted at finding Spike restored to him that he hadn't thought about anything or anyone else.
He was no Champion. He'd never been one; he'd been too self- involved. too wrapped up in how things affected him. Had he fought for redemption? Had he fought to make a difference? Or had he fought just for that `get out of Hell free' card?
Angel knew then why Spike had achieved Shanshu. Yes, Angel had fought hard on the side of good and right. He'd averted apocalypses and saved the world many times but there had always been a nagging doubt that he'd never felt he could lose. He'd always been confident that he could lick whatever impossible odds were facing them just because he always had.
Angel knew inside that Spike hadn't felt that. He'd always seemed to fight with the false bravado of someone who knew they could win; not someone who knew they would win. All the same, he still fought on regardless of what was going to happen to him afterwards. When it had finally come down to it Spike had once again put himself totally on the line; he'd never held back and he'd been rewarded for his sacrifices.
Angel knew that he had often derided the all too human fragility Spike kept hidden under the layers of bluster and conceit, both as Angelus and Angel. In the end Spike's carefully concealed humanity had made him almost human inside, so it hadn't been that much of a leap to become human all the way through.
The plain fact that Spike's first rational thoughts had been for their friends proved the gulf between them. Spike had only known them for a few short months whereas Angel had forged iron-strong bonds through shared pain and suffering. How had Spike ended up closer to them?
Lilah's kick to his middle earlier was echoed and amplified as Angel's stomach clenched and turned over. He scrambled to his feet and rushed towards one of the bathrooms out back. He threw open the door and managed to fall to his knees before vomiting uncontrollably into the porcelain bowl.
Through the haze of mixed-up emotions Angel was just about aware of the warm hand supporting his brow. The other hand stroked his back and soothed the spasms that now brought nothing more up. He pushed himself back up and leant back against the wall. He stared hard at Spike, wanting to take in everything about this enigma before him.
A wave... no, a tsunami of protective emotions almost overwhelmed Angel as a snatch of what Lilah had said floated back. `Before the sunrise finishes you both off.' They didn't know...
"Take it that it's just you and me then, pal? Shame... they were good people, kept on fighting the good fight. So what happens now, you and me carrying on with it?" Angel couldn't believe he was being asked this question. A world of opportunity had opened up and Spike was still looking towards him for answers and direction.
"No-one else knows about your change. it could be dangerous for you." Angel deliberately hesitated as though he wanted to muse on the problem. In truth, he actually just wanted one thing; he wanted Spike to stay with him.
He also knew that he would have to let Spike make that decision because as Angel he'd only ever either left or pushed him away. Yet Spike had swallowed the hurt repeatedly and always come back. At first Angel hadn't understood why his boy put himself through so much pain just to be near him. Then he realized that Spike had never truly been alone. His mother, Drusilla, the Sunnydale gang... Spike had always needed someone else, he'd always sought out companionship, and it was this truth that Angel grasped tightly to him now.
"Yeah, way ahead of you there... being human's also got that annoying little quirk of being mortal. Good job I got my own personal superman to look after me." Spike didn't bother with waiting for an answer as he strutted out of the room.
Angel banged his head backwards in frustration, hitting the wall hard. Spike may well be human now but he was also clearly going to be the wicked mouthed imp he had always been. Nevertheless Angel hoped he would be able to keep him safe... he knew he would put his body, heart and soul into it.
*
Angel found Spike rooting around in his old rooms, looking for something to wear and cursing Angel's choice in clothes. "Don't you have any decent threads? God, wear some color sometimes."
Angel tried to defend his style the best way he knew, by criticizing Spike "And so speaks the man whose fashion palette is black and... oh, black. They're all hand-made, very expensive-"
"Hand-made... made to measure? They won't fit me then, not with your huge arse. Okay, here we are, better than nothing, I suppose." He plucked a pair of sweatpants and a top out of the closet and put them on. Angel just stopped himself laughing at the sight of the so cool he was at absolute zero ex-vampire lost within the garments.
"Got any readies on you?" Spike asked, holding his hand out in expectation. "Sort of think I ought to start acting like a proper person now... maybe. You know, pay for things most of the time and suchlike. Funny though, don't really feel any different... don't know what I expected. Actually, didn't really expect it. Thought it was gonna be you who... always been you who gets the best things first. Can't figure it out, should've been you, why wasn't it you?"
Angel pressed some notes into his hand and clasped it shut, hoping this simple gesture would reassure him. "It doesn't matter that it wasn't me. I... I had to sign it away so I could be accepted by the Circle. Not the worst thing I had to do..." Angel's face darkened as he remembered Drogyn's sacrifice. "It didn't really matter to me by then, but I'm glad that it's happened to you."
Spike whacked Angel's arm amiably and pulled his other hand out of the comfortable hold. "Don't you dare get all soft and mushy on me, you hear."
Angel let out a small grin, then scowled and folded his arms firmly across his proud chest as they walked back down to the lobby. "Don't worry about that... I'm still a reformed and rehabilitated vile Creature of the Darkest Night. I'm not suddenly going to turn into a girl."
"I'd hope not. Right then, see you later." Spike walked towards the entrance and paused, his hand resting on the handle. "Can't help it... I want to go out there, but it's the sun. What if I have it wrong? What if I'm not fully human? Don't mind a tan, but I'm scared of getting all crispy. Ah, sod it... here goes nothing!"
He flung the door wide open and dashed outside into the sunlight. Hanging back out of the dangerous light Angel couldn't hear anything at first, but then a joyous yell floated back inside. Spike raced back in; he was almost bouncing with excitement. He grabbed Angel's hand and laid the palm against his red-hot cheek. "Feel it! Feel how warm it is! It's such a glorious day..." Spike's eyes took on a far away and wistful look. "Oh, how I wish you could be out there with me."
"So do I, but it can't be helped. Now go on, get your things and this time shut the door after you. I'll see you back here later?" Angel felt relieved when Spike nodded; he kept the laughter inside until Spike disappeared again. While he waited for Spike's return, he wrapped himself in the warm feeling that Spike had created within him, and put sad thoughts of the others far from him.
*
He'd had two courses of action to choose between once again. From what Lilah had said he could have stayed in LA. Yes, he'd pissed off the Senior Partners to such an extent that they'd unleashed their fury on him. However, he was still here and so they must still have had plans for him. This was his city, his little kingdom to protect and keep safe.
Angel knew that if he did stay there he would just end up dancing at the end of their strings again; he'd had enough of being a puppet, both figuratively and literally. It wasn't like this city was the only one that wanted help; there was a whole world out there that needed someone like him. Los Angeles had managed not to sink into the netherworld when he wasn't there to protect it.
If he thought too hard about it, Angel might even come to the conclusion that more apocryphal events happened since he'd set up Angel Investigations in that crummy little office. So he didn't think about it, he didn't want to believe that he had caused so many unnecessary deaths.
Maybe the city just required his absence to restore the status quo. If the Powers That Be had wanted him to stay then they would have made sure he'd gotten more visions. He chose to consider their absence as a sign that he was no longer required here and no longer needed by them.
"Where we heading to?" Spike asked as he settled into the passenger seat. "Hope it's somewhere nice and sunny. I got to work on my tan now. What with being able to go into the sun and all."
"Okay, I get the sun worshipping deal. Hope you burn. We need supplies and information first. Too risky to see what's left of Evil Incorporated. Let's go see what Wes has... had at his place." Angel sighed, he was sure that he'd never really get used to talking about his friends in the past tense.
*
What Wes had at his place was a mountain of dirty plates in the kitchen, papers and books strewn everywhere, empty bottles of just about every alcoholic drink known to man and demon... and a couple of boxes of Fred's belongings neatly packaged. Angel sifted through the detritus, picking up books randomly while Spike looked for any weapons that could be useful.
"Always the same with these genius types, nicely ordered minds but they live in utter chaos." Spike grumbled as he kicked over yet another pile of papers on the floor. "I can't even find a bag to put the stuff in."
Angel held back from reminding Spike that Wes had other things to think about since they lost Fred. He was too afraid that Spike would ask him the question he'd asked himself. Why he hadn't made the effort to help Wes come to terms with it? He should have done that simple thing; he should have let Wes know that he wasn't alone in his grief.
His musing was broken by a loud thud as Spike upended one of the boxes and tipped the contents out. "Hurry up Angel. We've gotta get back out of here before the sun's back up. Don't really</>i make much difference to me, but I still don't fancy carrying you around in a little bag."
Angel helped Spike load the box up with all the weapons they could find, along with the irreplaceable texts he wanted. Before he shut the door on what remained of Wes's tragic life he picked one final thing up from the floor, and put it inside his coat.
Outside, he threw the keys over to Spike and opened the door on the passenger side. He slid into the seat and waited for Spike to start the engine.
"Have you decided where we're going, or shall I just point the car eastwards and see where it takes us?" Spike's fingers tapped impatiently on the steering wheel.
Angel took the floppy stuffed rabbit out from inside his coat and sat it on his knees. As soon as he'd seen it on the floor Angel had known where they were supposed to go first. "Texas. We're taking Feigenbaum home. Then we'll see what happens after that."
The End