A Place to Belong

Authors: Farah & Mera

Italics & *& capitals = emphasize
~ = thoughts
{ = author M -not many-untimely notes (I couldn't help my self lol)

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~Part: 11~

Through the few next days, Giles kept searching in his books about what happened to Spike. That was very strange. All soulless creatures that touch the wizards should die, but Spike didn’t. So it had to be the spell or the vampire. The ex-watcher had an explanation in his mind and it made sense, though he wasn’t sure.

Giles could still remember the morning after. He still hadn’t slept; adamant on finding out what actually happened the night before. Sighing when he realized that the book he was looking for – one about protection spills and their affects – was still in his ex-storage room now known as Spike’s room; reluctantly he got out of his comfy chair.

Reaching the room he decided to get in quietly, find the book and leave without waking the still recovering vampire. Before entering he heard whimpering; thinking Spike was in danger he rushed in, only to discover him still asleep though trashing in his bed and mumbling. Moving swiftly to the vampire’s side Giles laid a soothing hand on him.

“Spike wake up… it’s me… its ok… you’re ok…” he kept repeating the words until Spike feasibly relaxed and instead of waking up, returned into his motionless self indicating the ending of his nightmare. Giles stayed a few minutes; making sure that Spike was fine. Then he stood up, got his book and quietly left, a decision made.

Giles kept constant watch on Spike since that day. Sometimes the vampire looked so raddled and tense. He didn’t know what was on the vampire’s mind. He felt something in Spike he didn’t sense in the last three months. He had a lot of questions that he didn’t have an answer to. The others noticed that he was researching about something, Willow and Tara offered help but he told them that it wasn’t that important and he wanted to do it by himself.

One evening at Giles’ place, the ex-watcher was researching. Spike, Xander and Dawn were arguing about the best movie for tonight. Willow and Tara were discussing the papers they’re writing for college. And Anya as usual was looking at wedding magazines.

The phone rang and disturbed Giles who had buried himself in books. He picked the phone and answered.

“Hello?”

“Hi Giles, It’s Angel.”

“Oh hello Angel, is everything all right?”

“Yeah, everything is okay. Um … Giles, do you know if Spike has a phone in his crypt? I need to talk to him.”

“Oh … Spike lives here now.” Spike raised his head the second he heard his name.

“Spike lives with you?” Angel sounded surprised.

Giles turned at Spike and handed him the phone. “It’s Angel.” Spike stood and walked toward Giles. Xander’s eyes followed him hopefully watching as the blond vamp took the phone.

“Hello Peaches,” Spike greeted in false exuberance.

“Hi Spike. I didn’t expect you to be living with Giles.”

“Well, it’s much better than the crypt.”

“What are you doing Spike?”

Spike understood Angel’s tone, but acted otherwise. “Well, we’re spending some quiet time at Giles’ before we go out patrolling.”

“We?”

“Yes, me and my friends, the Sunnydale group. You know, Giles, Xander, Willow …”

“Yes, Spike, yes, I know them. It’s just … your friends?”

Spike felt a little itch. “Yes, you got yours, I got mine, remember? Is that so wrong?” His voice rose a bit, and everyone was staring at him along with Xander.

“No I just … I didn’t expected you to be friends with them.

“Why is that?” Spike said with  severity that hid his hurt. He heard Angel sigh. “Look Spike, I just called to say I’m sorry about that night…”

“Oh, you mean that night three months ago!” Spike’s sarcasm irritated Angel.

“Yes, I was thinking about what I said and…”

“Bloody hell, three months of brooding," Spike exclaimed with mockery.

“Would you just listen to me,” Angel yelled. “Okay, I’m sorry I should’ve called sooner … look I want to make it up for you. So … would you come to LA?”

“Now Peaches, you’re the one who want to apologize, so *you* should come here.”

“But I have responsibilities here; I can’t let my friends alone and just leave to come and see you.”

“Me too, I have my friends and responsibilities and I can’t leave.”

“Spike, be reasonable. I can’t come.”

“Neither can I, Pillock!”

“Spi…”

“No,*you*Angel. You be *the* reasonable one. You’re the one who wants to apologize so you’re the one who should come. If you don’t want to, then fuck off and leave me alone!”

Spike slammed down the phone sharply and turned to see everyone watching him.

“*What*?” he bellowed.

Everybody returned to their own thing, except Xander who gave a heavy sigh and aimed toward the door. “Can we talk alone outside?”

Spike shrugged and headed to the door. Xander mouthed ‘don’t worry’ to Dawn’s concerned face and followed the blond. After he shut the door behind him he watched Spike lighting a cigarette while staring at a tree as if he wanted to tear it a part. He moved and faced the furious vampire.

“What’s wrong, Spike?”

Spike raised his head to meat his friend’s worried gaze ~ shouldn’t upset Xander about stupid Angel, he’s not worth it ~ “Nothing, mate.”

“C’mon Spike, we’re buds, we tell each other anything. I mean you trust me, right?”

Spike jerked his head. “Can’t trust anyone like I trust you, Xan,” he stated.

“Then tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s the stupid git, he wants to say he’s sorry and wants me, *me* to go to his stupid hotel and hear it. It’s not like I want to hear it!” Spike complained.

Xander stared at the vampire for a second, blinked, eyebrow rose in amazement. “That’s what you guys were fighting about? Who goes to who?” He was fighting laughter, and Spike was upset. “It’s not funny, mate.”

Xander bit his lip trying to remove the silly smile from his face, but couldn’t. “Sorry, but it’s not like you. I’m sure there’s a better explanation.”

Spike shrugged and looked a way. Xander frowned and approached to him. “What did he say?” he asked in his Xander-overprotective way.

Spike turned to face the young man. “He can’t believe I could be friends with you lot. He thinks I help you because of Buffy, thinks I don’t have that kind of passions. He should know me better. He’s me sire. He saw the way I took care of Dru, I cared about her more than he ever did with Darla and Buffy. Why does he always distrusts me?" He scoffed, "Not that I bloody care!"

Xander stared at Spike with instant sympathy. He knew Angel was a jerk, and couldn’t understand why anyone would fall for him. He wished he could make Angel so far a way from Spike; he wanted to kill him so he would never hurt his best friend. He had done it once when he told Buffy that lie and made her send him to hell. He couldn’t do the same to Spike, he should find a way to talk to Angel and show him how to treat his childe.

He put a hand on the vampire’s shoulder. “I think the best way to show Angel what a jerk he is; is to go to him and tell him face to face.”

Spike shoved the boy’s hand from his shoulder, glaring at him. “Why should I go? He’s the one who wants to apologize, he should come here!”

“But Spike, Angel has to stay at LA. Isn't that what they do in their big fancy city agencies? ”

“I also have vamps to slay, can’t leave you kids alone.”

“Spike, you know how powerful Willow and Tara are getting with their magic, and we all know how scary Ripper is.”

“Still…” He didn’t care if he was the one to go see Angel; the problem was seeing Angel himself. What if he noticed or smelled it, he’s his sire after all. ~ Of course Angel will know about it, he’s my bloody sire. And to think I’m going there by myself ~ Spike shuddered. The situation was really bad.

Xander noticed how troubled Spike was. “What is it, Spike?”

Spike looked at the young man with discomfort. ~ How can I explain to Xander without telling him the truth? ~ “I … I know it is going to sound stupid but … I…” He trailed off glancing at Xander nervously.

“You what?” Xander was trying to make him to talk.

Spike stared at the ground, biting his lip. “I don’t want to go there alone,” he said in a low voice. ~ Well that’s part of the truth… fuck! What a stupid excuse to come up with... I sounded like a sissy! I'm sure Xan won't fall for it! ~

To his surprise, Xander’s felt his heart melt. “That’s not stupid Spike, it happens a lot when you’re gonna see some one you didn’t see in a while and knew for so long. Um … once I didn’t see Willow for an entire day and the next day I was SO nerves to see her.” The young man lowered his gaze unsure if he sounded convincing.

Spike couldn’t stop chuckling. Sometimes Xander can be so cute when he tries to help. “You know mate, you don’t have to lie to make me feel better.”

Xander blushed, keeping his eyes on the ground. “Well. When people hear others problems, they give a similar story just to let them know they understand and to feel better. And it isn't a lie!” He glanced at Spike. “Did it work?”

Spike smiled. “Yeah it did.”

Xander’s eyes brightened. “Hey, you don’t have to go alone. I can come with,” he spoke eagerly.

“But what about the wedding arrangements?”

Xander snort. “Oh please, like Anya takes my ideas seriously” He put a hand on the vampire’s shoulder. “You don’t have to go alone, I’m going with you. We’re friends, OK? That’s what friends do.”

Spike was touched. “You’re doing this for me?”

“Actually, I’m eager to see LA.”

Spike hit him on the shoulder. “Knew you’d spoil the moment.”

Xander laughed. “C’mon, let’s go tell the others.”

~~~*~~~

“No” Anya stated. “You’re not going. What about our wedding? I need you Xander”

“C’mon, Ahn you don’t need me. All we did so far were your ideas.”

“Because your ideas suck,” she stated plainly.

Giles didn’t like that one bit, tuning his attention from the on coming argument he addressed Spike “Are you sure that is wise Spike?” he said in a meaningful tone.

“Sure mate it’s only two days; it’ll be fine.” Spike glanced at the still arguing Xander and Anya then turned back to Giles, “Rupert, boy needs time out.” Giles chuckled and continued watching the two, where as Xander was obviously winning.

Xander put his hands around Anya’s waist. “Look, I’ll be gone for two days, no biggie.”

She shook her head in protest.

“I’ll bring you presents.”

Dawn jumped eagerly. “Ooh, Can you bring me new clothes?”

“Sure Dawnie, clothes for all of you and books for Giles.” He looked at Anya, and softened. “How does that sound?”

Anya stretched her lips. “Okay.” She looked at him pointy. “But make sure Cordelia picks them.”

He gave her a grin. “No prob.”

She turned to face Spike. “And *you* make sure you bring me back my fiancé safe and whole!”

“I promise, pet.”

~Part: 12~

The boys had a big fight over who was going to drive. They both wanted to so Willow flipped a coin, and Spike won. He promised an angry Xander he could drive on the way back. They took Spike’s Desoto and the vampire enjoyed teasing the young man by playing hard rock out loud. The boy threatened the blonde to lock him in a room with country music.

They made it to LA and started toward the Hyperion Hotel. Spike noticed how nervous Xander was since they started the trip. He waited for his friend to tell him what's going on, but he didn’t. Spike had a notion that it’s about seeing Angel which he was also nervous about.

~ If that’s what bothers him, then let’s divide it between us ~ “What’s about, mate?”

“Huh?” Xander started “Oh, it’s that... I want to ask you something.”

“What?” Spike asked eyes still on the road.

Xander glanced nervously at him. "I … I want you to be my best man," he said hastily.

As swiftly as he could, Spike pulled over before turning his wide blue eyes to Xander. "What?"

Xander blushed staring at his lap. "Um … you know, the groom should have a best man or best vamp in your case and I kinda … chose you I know it's stupid and you vamps don't care about that because …"

Spike felt his heart soften, and stared at the nervously babbling red-faced boy feeling totally touched. "You want me to be your best man?" he whispered.

Xander stopped blathering and raised his head that still has a shade of red, looking confused at the blonde. "Is that so hard to believe?"

"Well, I've assumed Giles would be you're best man."

"Giles is the one who’ll give Anya away, besides best men were always the groom's best friend and you're my best friend so…" He let it hang with a shy smile.

Spike smiled. "Why mate, I would love to."

Xander sighed relieved, and sank in his seat. "Thank God!"

Spike laughed as he turned the engine on and started driving again. "Is that so hard to believe?" imitating the young man's words.

"I know I shouldn't make a big deal out of it, I mean we're best friends but it kinda makes you nervous you know, telling your friend about something important in your life and you're so afraid from his reaction."

Spike regarded what Xander said with total silence that lasted a few minutes.

“You know something, Spike?” Xander said out of no where. “I could tell you anything and every thing and know you’d understand, don’t you feel the same?”
~ I don’t think you could understand, mate, I wouldn’t want to lose you ~

Upon Xander’s questioning look “Uh, yeah you bet, Xan.” Xander flashed his smile and stared back at the road.

Spike felt something ache. Here's Xander talking about friends don't hide anything from each other and he was hiding the most important thing in his unlife. He didn't want anyone to know about it because *he* himself couldn't accept it. But Xander will know eventually 'cause Angel is going to sense it and tell everybody about it. What would Xander's reaction be? This boy was the best thing he had ever had and he doesn’t want to lose his friendship. Maybe if *he* told him now it would be better than finding out in another way.

Pulling over only two blocks away from the hotel Spike concentrated on Xander.
"Xander? There's something I want to tell you."

Xander turned to face him, noticing his tense posture. “What is it?"

"It's about that night when we faced the wizards, the thing is…”

A furious knocking interrupted what Spike was about to say.

“What?!”he snarled sliding his window open.

“Help me, please!” A young women franticly begged “There are things after me; monsters!”

Xander inched closer. “What kind of monsters?” he asked curiously. Seeing her trembling increase he said quickly, “I think that answer can wait, hop in!”

The girl seemed hesitant, looking back. “No! They’re here!” she screamed, running away crossing the road barely missing a speeding car.

“Well now that’s done with, I was about to tell you… hey where are you going?” Spike asked when Xander exited the car.
“Spike! Monsters things are after her. She’s in danger; people need help we help, remember?”

“That’s Angel’s theme!” Xander glared at the still seated Spike “But I was saying something important,” the 140 year old vampire whined.

“It can wait, now C’mon.”

Spike pondered for a second then with a huff got out. ~Sodden guilt! ~

“If some thing happens to my car…” Spike warned.

Xander walked away waving his hand, “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

~~~*~~~

“Are you sure this is the way?” Xander looked around the wide dark ally and shuddered.

~I hate the dark~

“I can still smell the stupid bint,” Spike said heatedly.

“Now what’s gotten up your ass?”

“It happens that I was trying to tell you something damn important!”

“Fine if it’s that ‘damn important’ then tell me now.”

“The mood is all wrong,” The vampire pouted. Xander was about to call him on it when he saw something.

“Hey, there!” he pointed to the farther corner of the ally, “A shadow.”

The two walked slowly shoulder to shoulder. Finally they reached a dead end.

“There’s nothing here,” Xander sounded confused. “I could swear I saw…” Spike hushed him, “There is something very wrong here.”

“How so?” Xander whispered.

“I sense… magic… a cloaking spell!”

“Really, how do you know for sure?”

“I’ve been 'round enough to know.” Shaking his head he said, “This isn’t right. We better leave.”

He started pulling at Xander’s arm but the young man was refusing to move.

“But the girl…”

“No!” Spike interrupted him “It’s too dangerous. We’ll come back with Peaches and his people, but now we have to leave, now!”

Xander nodded his head and followed Spike.

Suddenly they were surrounded by five demons that jumped off the encircling buildings. They were a kind Spike had never seen the like of before. Nearly seven feet tall, with green-splinter covered bodies, and two long arms ending with dagger like claws they approached the two friends.

Spike growled, pushing Xander behind him. “Stay back,” he instructed.

“No way, you’re one, they’re five, I passed math!”

“It’s too dange…”

“Don’t give me that shit, Spike. Remember our last impending apocalypse?”

Spike remembered how reluctant Xander was to let him back-up against the wizards, but agreed none the less.

~Ya well look how that turned out~

Sighing Spike relented, “Fine. But only one at a time and keep your back to the wall!”

Nodding to each other they both pulled out swords out of their leather coats.

~ Spike was right, you can hide anything in this! ~ Xander grinned, holding his sword expertly, and he remembering their shopping trip.

Spike jumped into fury, kicking left and right, slashing and punching three demons at once, in a way that made Xander glad they were on the same side now.

Xander fared well against the demon he faced; thanks to his trainings with Spike. He stabbed the demon three times before it collapsed. Xander turned to Spike with a huge smile on his face intending on commending himself, when he saw the last demon –who during the fight stood doing nothing- advance on Spike from behind with a long wooden spear. Not thinking twice about what he was doing he jumped and pushed Spike out of the way, the spear barley missing his abdomen.

"What are you doing you pillock?! Go to the back, *now*!" Spike shouted as he hit one of the demons.

Xander looked at him in annoyance. "But you needed…" He was cut by a sharp demon hand going through his chest. Spike turned to meet his friend's wide eyes. "… help," the boy continued in a whisper before the demon behind him extorted his hand from his chest and hit the ground.

Spike stared in horror at the seen barely inches away. Xander flat on the ground, his face hidden by his dark hair, blood was running heavily from the spot he was stabbed in, in the back.

Spike raised his head slowly at the demon, yellow eyes beamed with fury. “You fuckin’ git,” he whispered in anger. He jumped at the demon kicking him with all he had. “You fuckin’ git,” he growled with rage. He swung, punched, spun and leaped repeating the same sentence in each time harder; eventually he cut the creature’s head with a fast kick. The demon’s head dropped in front the two demons left they looked back at Spike, than ran away.

Spike turned to Xander, his game face changed into frightened human features. He dashed to his friend’s side turning him as he held him meeting wide shock brown eyes. “Oh you’re cold, here.” He took off his duster and warped it around the cool body. “Don’t worry Xander, you’re going to be okay.” The boy’s expression didn’t change same wide eyes that held astonishment. “Yes, Xander keep looking at me, that’s it.” He stood up with his friend cradled in his arms and hurried to the car.

He opened the door of the driver seat, and laid him across both seats then carefully got in. He placed Xander’s head on his thigh staring at the wide brown eyes. “It’s going to be okay,” he chocked, putting his shaky hands on the wheel and drove to the hotel.

~Part: 13~

At the hotel, every thing was quite normal. Wesley was researching some new prophesy, Gunn was joking around with a shy Fred, and an excited Cordelia was talking with Angel about the rich client who came for their help an hour ago. The brunette vampire didn’t pay her any attention; he was staring at the wall behind her where the clock was. ~Spike and Xander are going to be here any minute ~

The cozy scene was discontinued by a horrified Spike, who darted through the door with someone in his arms. Every one stared at him in shock and Cordelia eyed the figure in the vampire’s arms with suspicion, she couldn’t recognize who it was with Spike’s duster wrapped around him. Angel smelled three different kinds of blood, his childe’s, a demon’s and a human’s.

“Xander?” Angel whispered so softly that no body heard him except for Cordelia; who was standing next to him.

“*Xander*?!” The ex-cheerleader screamed in horror.

“Please help him,” Spike pleaded, with tearful eyes, to his sire.

Angel rushed to his childe, placed his hands on the shaking shoulders and guided him to his office. On the way, he kept hearing Spike murmuring ‘help him’ on and on. Angel felt an ache in his heart ~ Spike thinks Xander is still alive ~ the brunet thought bitterly knowing the opposite given that when Spike walked in with Xander there was no heartbeat.

They came into the office and Spike laid Xander carefully on the couch and went for the phone picking it up nervously, his shaky fingers went for the numbers.

“Angel?” Cordelia followed.

Angel, who was closing the door, replied, “It’s going to be ok.”

Concerned, she lowered her voice to match Angel’s, “Is Xander going to be ok?”
Angel stood there sadly gazing at her. “It’s going to be ok,” he repeated then closed the door.

"What're you doing?" Angel asked curious.

Spike glared at him. "What does it look like? I'm calling 911!"

Angel sighed. "Spike, Xander doesn't need an ambulance, he's already dead," he spoke gently.

Spike turned at him with severity, eyes tainted in yellow heat. "He's not dead." He pointed at Xander. "Look at him, he's looking at me. He wants me to help him."

"No, he's not." Angel moved his hand to close Xander's eyes. "*NO*," Spike screamed, reaching for the older vampire's hand. "Don't close his eyes, he hates the dark," he said the last part softly.

"Spike, Xander is *dead*!"

Spike shook his head in denial; tears started falling from his eyes. "Why do you say that?" he said brokenly turning his tearful blue eyes toward Angel. "He's alive, we’re going to get presents for every one, he's going to drive us home and he’ll lock me in a room and make me hear country music"

He turned to Xander. "Right, Xander?" he softened.

There was no answer. "Right?"

Still no answer, the boy held the same expression. Spike narrowed his eyes. "Why does he look so shocked? He's been looking like that for a while," he said in a child like voice. Angel stared at Spike in sympathy, it was so obvious that his childe cared about the young man.

Angel sighed bitterly. "Spi…"

"Stop it," he snarled. "Don't say it again. He is alive, he's not dead. He's here with me, he won't leave me, he won’t…”

"*Spike*." Strong hands were on his shoulders shaking him. Spike faced his sire's brown eyes. "Calm down, close your eyes and listen closely. Do you hear any heartbeat in this room?"

Spike bit his lip, closing his eyes and listened with his vamp hearing. There was nothing. ~ N… nothing? ~ His eyes flattered open, looking alarmed as he tore his sleeve and cut the skin on his hand, drawing blood to fall.

Angel looked startled. “Spike, what’re you doing?” He said reaching for the blonde, realizing what he’s about to do. Spike put his wounded hand on Xander’s mouth, murmuring. “Going to help ‘em, won’t let ‘em go.”

Angel drew his childe back, turning him around to face him. “Let me go you pounce, didn’t hear his heartbeat, have to help ‘em, have to make ‘em stay!” He snarled, struggling to free himself from his sire’s grip. Angel tightened his hold. “Spike, you can’t turn Xander, with no heartbeats he is *dead*, do you hear me? He can’t come back. He’s dead. *Gone*.”

Spike stopped the struggling, staring at his sire for a moment before the realization hit him. "He’s dead," he whispered in disbelief, tears continued falling and his body was shaking so hard. “He’s dead,” His voice rose a bit and his eyes were wide. He was about to hit the ground if it wasn’t for Angel’s strong grip.

He looked at Angel alarmed. “Oh God, Willow! Poor Willow now she … she lost both her best friends. Anya, I … I promised her to … bring him back and the wedding…”

Angel cut off him gently. “What about you?”

He looked at him with empty blue eyes. “I was going to be his best man,” he whispered child like. Angel couldn’t take it, he held the younger vampire with all he had; wanting to soothe his pain and sorrow for losing his friend.

“Xander is gone? He’s gone,” Spike was murmuring to himself, eyes still wide in disbelief. “He’s never gonna be here again coz he’s gone, won’t come back.” Angel felt his eyes tear for him. There’s no doubt that the relationship between Spike and Xander was so strong to cause this kind of reaction from Spike. He continued holding the blonde muttering comforting words.

Spike didn’t cry, didn’t even flinch, and just stood there in his sire’s arms eyes wide, not believing the situation around him. He eased himself from the older vampire’s embrace and stared at the body. “Why do they always go? Angelus, Drusilla, Buffy and now you. You said we’ll always be friends but you left. There’s something wrong with me, right? Can’t make any one stay with me, they all leave me,” he said addressing no one in particular.

He moved towards the body and looked at Xander’s face before he laid a hand on his cheek. It used to be warm, now it’s so cold. He stared at the chocolate brown eyes knowing that it’s going to be the last time that he’ll ever look at them again. Then he closed them gently….

Angel sighed sadly before heading to the phone. He was sure that Spike wasn’t able to inform the Sunnydale crew about their friend’s death.

~~~*~~~

Later that night, Angel drove his car to Sunnydale with Spike setting in the passenger seat and the covered body in the back. Cordelia desperately wanted to go, but she was needed. Angel was thankful that Giles was the one that answered the phone, though he could hear the shock and sadness in the man’s voice it was much better than if one of the girls answered; he didn’t think he could take watching or even hearing another person cry. The ex-watcher asked him to bring the body tonight. Angel couldn’t argue with that, Xander was like a son to Giles and he had the right to see the body whenever he waned.

He kept an eye on his childe all the way. The condition of the younger vampire concerned him. It surprised him that Spike didn’t make a one single glance at Xander; he was still trembling and mumbling. Angel could still sense the fear and anxiety poring from him, though there was trust. It gave him a warm feeling knowing that his youngest childe trusted him again, he just hoped he won’t let him down.

As they made it to the magic box, the two vampires got out of the car and Spike watched his sire opening the door of the back seat, picking up the body gently, then both of them went to the door. Angel gave Spike a reassuring nod. Suddenly the door opened revealing a distraught Giles who glanced at Spike then Angel and then his eyes were on the covered body in Angel’s arms, looking at it painfully.

Both vampires went in and Giles closed the door behind them and followed Angel, who laid the body on the couch, leaving an unhappy Spike standing before the door. The blonde noticed the sheer disappointment in the ex-watcher’s first and only glance.

All of a sudden, the door to the training room swung open and appeared a red-faced Anya. She ran out to the shop, stopping when she caught sight of Xander's still body. "Xander, no" Her voice hitched and her eyes filled with tears yet again. Sniffling hard she turned to Spike.

"You promised" She said not believing. "You said you'll take care of him, you'll bring him back whole, but he's dead now" Shaking her head. Her voice rose. "You lied to me, Spike. How could you? We trusted you and you got my Xander killed. How could you?" She started crying, in an instant Giles was at her side holding her through her weeping. Unnoticed by the others Willow and Tara came in through Anya's raving. The redhead hid her face on her blonde lover's shoulder when she saw her childhood friend's body.

Through this all, Spike hadn't moved from his spot near the door, staring at his feet, until the last member of the Scoobies made herself known.

"Spike."

The blond vampire was across half the room in less than a second where he stopped. Angel's brow netted in confusion not understanding what happened until he glanced at Dawn's eyes. Spike inwardly flinched at the sharp pointed look that the teenager gave him. It held both hatred and disappointment. ~ God, not Dawn ~ Spike thought in dread.

He tried to open his mouth, say something but the girl held up her hand to stop him. She whispered low enough so only the vampires in the room could hear. "Buffy trusted you to take care of me, you failed she died. We trusted you to take care of Xander, now he's dead" She shook her head not taking her eyes of him. "How will I ever trust you, Spike if you'll always keep failing?"

As he felt the sharp pain that washed through his childe, Angel wanted to say something to defend Spike before Giles' voice broke in. "We appreciate you bringing the body here, Angel. Now you can head back to your town. And if you care…!" He took a quick look at Spike, who stood there stopped in a total impact not noticing anything around him any more, "You can take him with you. I should kill him for losing one of my children but he saved us before. I'll let him live provided that he will never set a foot in Sunnydale again.

Angel wanted to protest but one sharp look from Ripper silenced him. He fumed with anger ~ Oh hell, they aren’t worth it ~ He thought gritty before he wrapped his arms around his crashed childe's shoulders leading him to the door. He got him into the car then entered himself. He directed the car towards LA then took out his cell phone and dialed a number.
 

~Part: 14~

The road to LA {again}

Angel kept looking sideways at Spike while he was driving. He was worried. He kept remembering how Spike was when he brought Xander's body; he was in plain shock. But when informed that he was returning with Angel to Sunnydale, he became hysterical refusing to go back on the basis that his friends will hate and accuse him. If Cordelia hadn't told him some time ago he wouldn't have believed the friend bit. So he assured Spike the Scoobies will understand and with a lot of endeavor convinced him, now Angel wasn't sure. The reaction to Xander's loss was expected, but the accusation that accorded wasn't. Spike hadn't said a word ~ even if they'd given him a chance to explain which they didn't ~ since the incident an hour back; it was eerie to say the least about the usually active vampire.

**Flash back**

.". You lied to me. We trusted you and you got my Xander killed". . "Buffy trusted you to take care of me, you failed she died. We trusted you to take care of Xander, now he's dead. How will I ever trust you, Spike if you'll always keep failing?". . ". he will never set a foot in Sunnydale again".

**End flash back**

Angel looked at Spike again. "Do you want some music, I don't mind if you do" not even an acknowledging glance. Angel sighed and turned the radio on a classical channel ~ at least something to quiet this defining silence, I never thought I'd miss his racket ~ Angel sighed again. He seems to be doing that a lot today, and is expected to be doing it to days to come.

******

Upon entering the hotel Angel, and his still silent companion, were swarmed by several people speaking at the same time. Different form eerie silence but not better. "Every body settle down!!!" Angel practically roared at his friends. "One at a time, please"

Everyone looked at Cordelia "OK for starters" she stared accusingly at Spike. "What the hell is he doing here?" every body agreed except for a silent Fred.

Angel sighed ~ here goes nothing ~. "I will say this once, and in saying it, remember who owns this hotel," Angel fixed his eyes on each in turn before continuing. "Spike is staying here with me" Fred smiled shyly then looked down "and Fred. And any one who has something to say will have to wait until *after* I show Spike to his room." On that last note Angel directed the silent vampire up the stairs, while leaving a stunned group in his wake.

******

Angel led Spike to a room right next door to his. It was already furnished since Angel was expecting Spike to come when he called two days ago.

"The things you brought in your car are next to the bed". Spike looked at Angel questioning, who at the first sign of interaction answered quickly. "Fred, you saw her down stairs, she also lives here by the way, brought them up when I called from the car. Don't you remember?" Spike shook his head, he barely remembers how he got here in the first place, the last thing he remembers- "you'll like her" Angel interrupted his musings; they were definitely leading to a bad place from the look on Spike's face

So there was only one way to stop that; rambling "She was trapped in a demon dimension, Lorne's home, you'll like him too. We brought her back a few months ago. She's still reeling from that." Upon what seemed to be a concerned glance from the still vampire, Angel said "but she is getting better, maybe you'd like to meet her, I'll go call her" Angel had an idea ~ why not hit two birds with on stone ~ he thought exiting the room.

 "Fred would you come up here please" Angel yelled.

"Yes Angel" a breathless Fred approached him. "Can I do any thing?"

Angel smiled. "Yes you can, do you remember what I talked to you about earlier?"

"On the phone?" Angel nodded. "Yes, I remember and before you ask me I'm not afraid of him." On Angel's look she giggled "Wes told me who he is and Cordy talked about the chip, but that's not why I want to help" she smiled sadly. "The things they said before about him being helping in Sunnydale aren't as well; it's the look he had when he came back with you. Before he left he was terrified, now" she had tears in her eyes. "He's dead to the world like I was before and I want to help him like you guys helped me."

Fred hugged Angel. "Thank you for helping me and caring for me. Now I'm going to help someone you care about." Angel wanted to disagree but how could he deny a clear truth ~ at least to Fred, I hope ~. Fred smiled in triumph. "Now you go down there and talk to them before they wander up here. I'll help Spike" Angel smiled in thanks and headed down to calm the troops.

******

 "OK mister, spill" Cordelia approached Angel who was just reaching the lobby. "Explain to us why the vampire who is responsible for my friend's death is staying here" she managed to say with only a hitch in her voice.

"Cordy I told you before Spike didn't do anything to hurt Xander, you of all people know that he can't harm humans."

"I must agree with Cordy on this Angel," Wesley said, "Even if he isn't responsible for Mr. Harris' death he is still a soulless vampire and should not be trusted"

"Come on Wes" Angel replied. "I know you and Giles have been discussing Spike's uncanny behavior a while back, on how he proved himself worthy to them all, and how that his concern for the Scoobies and Dawn show a feature rarely as if ever found in vampires"

Wesley had the dignity to blush a bit as his own words were quoted. "Yes, well we all see how well that turned out"

"Oh really please enlighten me"

"I don't see how you need to be enlightened, man" Gunn stepped in. "The way I see it this Spike dude tricked those people into trusting him and in turn got one of them killed"

"Yeah, Angel!" Cordelia agreed "I'm surprised how you only didn't see that but brought him here to do the same thing to us."

Angel began to lose his temper. "Really, 'coz all I saw is a vampire I knew, longer than any of you, I might add, who is known to have a too-emotional personality, bring in the body of a dead friend -who the vampire by the way was going to be his best man- and said vampire was in utter distress for this human not caring for his evident and dangerous injuries and was in total fright when I told him we should take the body back."

"Duh, coz he knew they'd blame him." Realization sank in for Cordelia. "And that exactly what they did, right?"

Angel nodded.

"I take it they didn't take in well?" Wesley questioned.

"Not well at all, and Spike didn't defend himself because he believed it to be true; that he deserved blame."

"But like you just said he didn't do it, right?" Gunn interrupted the on coming silence.

"No, he didn't. If you remember the gash through Xander's chest was clearly made by long sharp claws. And that Spike himself was hurt badly as well and don't forget the chip. The only explanation is that they were attacked by demons."

"This is all interesting; did you tell the others that?" Wesley asked.

 "I tried Wes, but they were all trapped in their own grief."

 "And don't forget blaming Spike for it." Cordelia added.

"Cordelia I thought you blamed him." Gunn was surprised by the rage in her voice. She on the other hand seemed a tad ashamed.

"No, I actually wanted someone to blame" she said, raising her tear filled eyes to her friends. "I mean Xander was. I knew him and I was all like preparing for a serious 'Xander's about to get married' bashing then." he voice wavered and Gunn was right at her side, but she pushed him away.

"I wanted to blame Spike coz I didn't know what to do. but the gang had no right! Willow was always talking about how great it is that Spike and Xander were all male bonding and stuff and then *they* turn their backs at him that's not right! Just not right; after what he did for them!" she angrily glared at nonexistent Scoobies.

"So your OK with this Cordy?" Angel asked eagerly to which both Wes and Cordy noticed. "Yeah, but why here Angel. Why with you?"

Angel sighed ~ here goes nothing ~ "Spike is my childe. I'm responsible for him, though I neglected that for many years. After Buffy's funeral I remembered again how Spike reacts to emotional loss -as you all knew he was in love with her- like you know I asked him two days ago to come and visit."

"Oh and this doesn't have anything to do with all the brooding you did about something that happened two months ago?" Cordy smirked.

~ If vampires can blush ~ "Uh well that too, we had a lot of things to mend. At first he refused, and then agreed saying that he and Xander will be coming up in the weekend."

Angel explained Spike's reaction to the whole situation from his point of view, saying that in this state Spike needs constant supervision. To which Cordelia agreed with on the basis of what happened when Drusilla left him and from what she heard from Willow about him. And when Queen C makes a decision the flock follows.

"So we're in agreement, Angel" Wesley stated "Spike stays here with you and Fred in the hotel on the status that it will not hinder our work"

 "Yeah, and don't forget he helps too" Gunn added.

"Speaking of Fred, where is she?" Cordelia questioned.

"With Spike"

 "WHAT!" Wes & Gunn said in unison. "Don't worry she's OK, I filled her in", "When?" Cordy demanded "When I called her on the cell while you three argued, and no she didn't tell me that. I could clearly hear you."

"So Fred is fine with all this?"

 "Yes, Wes. She even offered to help him interact with the world since obviously he isn't." Upon their questioning gaze he said, "Like we did and are doing with her." That drew a collective 'oh' from the three.

******

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Fred peeped inside, not that she was afraid, she told Angel she wasn't- it's just polite.

She saw Spike sitting on the bed looking at nothing.

"Ahem" she entered quietly. "Excuse me." She tried to pull his attention as she stood in front of him "HELLO!" she practically yelled, that definitely got his attention "Hi" she chirps "I'm Fred" extending her hand with a smile, which begins to fade when he doesn't take it.  She dropped her hand sadly, saying. "It's okay; you don't have to shake my hand"

He turned his gaze away. ~ Oh no, I lost his attention ~ "hi. Oh I already said that didn't I?" she giggled and sat next to him. "I bet your wondering what I'm doing here. Well Angel asked me to, that's obvious." She giggled again.

He didn't look at her. She bit her lip and sighed. "He's down stairs talking with the others" He turned to her with a questioning look. ~ Yes! ~

 "Angel" She said. "And I'd prefer to be here than there anyway. I've heard those three argue for three and a half hours today, and I should know, I marked it. I wonder where they get the energy to talk that long with out stopping." The beginning of an amused smile sneaked on Spike's lips. "Oh God, I'm talking to much aren't I? I sometimes do that. I mean when I was in Pylea -which's a demon dimension by the way, where I was stuck for five years- I didn't have many people to talk to. And when Angel and his friends saved me I barely talked or got out of my room for weeks, but they helped me get over it. I'm almost ok now" she said that in a whisper, but Spike heard the wavering in her voice and made a mental note for later.

Fred remembered that she was supposed to be helping "Oh, where was I. Yah so Wesley thinks I'm compensating for those years. I like Wesley. He's really smart like me!" Spike chuckled

"What's so funny?" Fred asked happily.

 "Oh nothing luv', its just you remind me of someone"

"Really who?" ~ He's talking! Wow I'm good ~ *she mentally patted her back*

"Well actually two some ones, you're sortv' a Willow sprinkled with a little Dru."

"I remember Willow. She's the one who was there when we returned from Pylea; who told Angel that Buffy died" she said with remorse "I never met her. But from the others reaction I wish I had."

"You would've gotten along great, pet." He felt his heart would break, when he remembered Willow's face when she saw her best friend's body. He heard Fred's sad voice. "Angel was really sad after that, you know he blamed himself?"

Spike's head sprung up at that. "Why the bloody hell would he think that. Like you said, he was in that demon dimension. He wasn't there. And even before, Buffy never asked him for help, he wasn't there, it wasn't his fault" he said with compunction

Fred held his hand ~ just for support not coz it's nice ~ "But you think it's yours?"

Spike turned his tear filled eyes to her. "Isn't it? I was there. She asked me to take care of her sister, of her, and I failed. She died because of my failure" he choked the last words. "And I did it again I failed my best friend and he's dead too." His eyes were looking dawn. "Xander's gone because of me" His body started shaking. "Won't come back" he whispered brokenly and Fred quickly held him while he let his tears soak her shirt, sobs broke the silence in the room. Spike couldn't cease the sobs that wrecked his body; he shook from the depths of his existence remembering the events of the last few hours. Through it all Fred held him tight muttering nonsense words to comfort him.

A few minutes later Spike calmed down enough to feel a bit ashamed of his breakdown, he began to pull away. Fred reluctantly let him.

He spoke softly, not meeting her eyes. "Can you leave me alone, pet? I'm a little tired."

"Spike, you have to know that it wasn't your."

He interrupted. "Please, pet"

"Are you sure?" she asked concerned.

"Yeah . please?" he pleaded softly.

"If you say so." She said as she walked to the door. After one worried glance at him she closed the door.

******

"May I come in?"

Angel looked up from a case file "sure Wes, what's up?"

Angel laid down the case file.

"I don't wish to disturb you on the matter yet still, but I do have a some what important question, if you won't think of it as an intrusion that is?"

"Of course I won't Wes, I know you better than to ask something that would disturb me" Angel smiled at his best friend; he knew he and Wesley can talk about anything.

"Oh well, thank you" Wesley returned the smile. Angel asked him to sit down and continue.

"I only asked because the matter is about Spike" Angel sat up straight, weren't they through with that? "It's not about him staying here" Angel visibly relaxed. "It's about what you said of him being *your childe*"

"What do you mean, Wes?"

"Well all the watchers journals agree that Drusilla is William the Bloody's sire" Wesley clarified "and you just told us that he is your childe, so how can that be?" he asked, confused.

Angel chuckled low in his throat. "Actually Wesley, they're both true"

 "But..."

 "Hear me out here, do you want the whole story?" The ex-watcher nodded his head eagerly. "Well it happened in 1880 as you must know..." Angel began his story with Wesley hanging on to each word. "We were on the street one night in London and this young man stormed knocking into me and dropping pages he was holding. He was crying from the sound of his voice" Angel chuckled at the next memory "*He* told *me* to watch where I was going"

Wesley watched his friend's face in fascination. He had not imagined that this would be a pleasant conversation for the vampire. He had been worried that his question would bring tortured guilt. Instead he got happy reminiscences.

" ...and I stood there watching Dru draining this young man, Darla at my side chuckling at Dru's incompetence and how likely this one would die like the others, when he opened his tear filled eyes.." It was clear to Wesley that the souled-vampire was lost in his own memory.

"..they were SO blue, and looking right into mine, I was entranced by them. I could barely hear Darla talking to me and Dru wondering what to do next. I somehow found myself cradling his barely drained body with his head on my shoulder urging him to drink from a cut on my neck; his lips were sucking on the wound it was..." Angel sighed then noticed the bewildered look on Wesley's face.

 "What?!"

Wesley smiled softly. "You talked like it was you." Angel looked confused, so he clarified. "You never talked that way about your past; Darla, Drusilla, any of it. But you did now; it was like you...cared" he looked him straight in the eye. "Still care, deeply"

~ Oh God! Was I so obvious? ~ "Wes, I..."

"He was your favored, wasn't he?" Wesley asked not needing an answer for the look on Angel's face a minute ago was enough. "Do you regret it? Your feelings?" he asked sternly "NO, never" Angel replied without hesitation

There was silence for a few minutes before Wesley relented and smiled. "Good, just making sure. I'm glad that you have something to be confident of, Angel, particularly after last year's problems and Buffy's death"

Angel, who was clearly surprised, didn't have anything to say "Angel I'm your friend. I would want you to be happy, but never forget about your cause!"

Angel relaxed "I won't." Wesley got up to leave "And Wes..." He turned around "Thanks" he smiled sincerely, Wesley smiled nodded his head and left to research something or another.

******

On his way to his room, Angel stopped in front of Spike's door. He expected to hear sobbing, but there was nothing. He knew Spike wasn't sleeping though. All he wanted is to go inside and make it all better for his depressed childe but he knew that Spike wanted to be alone for a while. It was bad enough for him to lose his friend and to have the people he called *his family* to blame him for what happened.

Sighing sadly, Angel went to his room. Behind that door Spike sat miserable on the bed, leaning back against the headboard and staring at nothing. How could he do that? He was talking and laughing with 'giggle girl' moments ago. It was only some hours ago when his best friend dropped dead in front of his eyes. Laughing! How could he? His own friend is dead, *gone*, and he was laughing!

Tears slid down his face, as the image of Xander hitting the ground, a body without a soul, appeared in his head. What the fuck is he going to do now? He's best friend is gone and the people he thought were his friends, 'his family' he though miserably, abandoned him. Are Angel and his humans his new family now? Fred seemed nice but. He can't risk being one of them if they're going to throw him out as well. That happened too much for his liking.

He laid down and allowed more tears to slip from his eyes, so much there were tearstains on the pillow. He was totally confused. He couldn't trust anyone any more. What if Giles called Wesley, the other ex-watcher, and enlightened them about him? Maybe that's why Giles didn't want him in Sunnydale anymore; he finally realized the truth. How can he deny it? What really bothers him is that Angel hadn't noticed. How could his sire not spot it?! How could that happen? He needs someone he could trust, someone who will stand up for him, someone who'll believe him. He needs Xander.

~But he's not here!! He'll never be, because of me! ~

He broke into a sob and hugged himself and began rocking on the bed. His sobs deepened as he curled up into a ball on his side and cried himself to sleep.

He woke up at the sound of gentle knocks on the door, and then the doorknob moved. Someone was trying to open the door. He remembered locking the door yesterday. It's better. He didn't want to deal with anyone right now. He could smell Fred from the other side; he felt her disappointment then heard her footsteps fade as she walked away.

He desperately wanted to be alone. It hurt so much and he had to deal with it *alone*. He wished he'd never made this trip in the first place. The reason he was afraid from coming is that Angel was going to know and will tell everyone; then he'll lose his friends, which happened for another reason all together.

Now that Xander is dead and his friends in Sunnydale didn't want him there anymore, he really wanted Angel to know, to be there for him, to help him like any sire should do for his childe. But Angel didn't notice, his own fuckin' sire didn't notice, which made it even worse. Then again how could he make sure that Angel wouldn't throw him out if he knew, after all he left his childer and didn't care about them. Maybe it's better this way.

He sat there in his room, thinking, crying then sleeping, for God knows how long. He always woke up at Fred's knocks and never answered her. One day he heard someone shouting his name. He recognized his sire's voice and heard other footsteps behind him. Suddenly the door was knocked open and an angry Angel standing in its place.

"What is wrong with you? You're not eating or answering the door? I know that you're sad about Xander but this has to stop!"

He noticed his childe shaking and murmuring. "It hurts. No body knows"

"Knows what?" Angel asked softly.

Spike didn't answer him, as he kept shaking and repeating the same words. Angel lost his patience. "What is it Spike?" he growled.

 "I don't think you should scream at him Angel." Came Fred's worried voice. She was standing beside Angel with a tray in her hands. Behind her stood a green figure, "I think it's better to leave him alone for a while" the figure addressed Angel.

"But he's not feeding" Angel protested.

"He will. Just give him time he'll."

Angel interrupted angrily. "Give him time? It's been five freakin' days and he's not getting any better. I wanted to see him, wanted to talk to him but Fred kept telling me he needs to be alone and that he's fine!" He shot the young woman a hard look.

"I .I thought he . he needed to be .alone like me when I. I first came here" She stuttered.

"Well he's not you" He snarled at her.

She shivered looking at him with scared eyes. The green demon eyed Angel angrily. "Angel, don't yell at her".

Angel's features softened into regret. "Oh Fred, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was."

"It's OK Angel. I know you didn't mean it" She forced a smile on her lips. She placed the tray on the bedside table, and then turned toward the two men. "I think we better leave him alone now" She said calmly then exited the room.

Angel grimaced. "She's still hurting, Lorne."

"She's going to be OK" He nodded his chin toward the still quivering blonde. "So will he"

Angel stared at Spike with concern before following Lorne out of the room. He closed the door behind him.

"I can't stand it, Lorne. He hadn't fed, left his room or even talked in five days. He's so." He tried to hold his tears, turning to Lorne. "He looks so broken. I made him like this years ago and never cared. But now. it's tearing at my heart."

Lorne placed a hand on the brunet's arm in understanding, urging him to let it all out. "I want to help. I just don't know what to do" His eyes were staring at the ground with guilt. "It's my fault you know. If I didn't force him to come, Xander would never."

"It's not your fault, Angel" Lorne interrupted gently. "How could've you possibly known what was going to happen? You wanted to apologize."

"I could've gone there like he asked me"

"No Angel, you couldn't. I remember what happened when you and Cordy went to the slayer's funeral" said Lorne "The guys were so swamped with cases that *I* even gave a hand." He shuddered remembering, then looked meaningfully at Angel "and *you* know most of them where the cause of Wolfram & Hart's kind hearts. You couldn't risk that happening again"

"You're right, but still."

"Oh Angel on another guilt trip I think I'll get off on the next stop, please!" Lorne scoffed. "Listen to me tall dark and broody, if you really want to take some of that load off, how about finding out who attacked those two in the first place"

Angel actually looked baffled. "Huh?" Lorne was getting to his last nerve. "The blond bombshell in there and his departed friend's attack."

"Oh I never thought about that!" Angel exclaimed. "Why me?!" Lorne shook his head in self pity, took a hold of Angel's hand and pulled him in the direction of the lobby. "Why don't we take this to the office so Wesley can help?" Angel only nodded his head and let Lorne drag him down stairs.

~ Why didn't I think of that? ~

~Part: 15~

The next morning the now latch-broken-door opened, revealing a hesitant Fred. "Did I bother you?" She asked quietly.

Spike shook his head slowly. Fred entered and smiled noticing that the two mugs she brought yesterday were empty, but when turning her eyes to Spike her smile faltered. She knew Spike won't open up to her today, probably not going talk to her much at all. She understood that. Spike lost everything he had in Sunnydale, and now he was in a strange place with people he doesn't know. Kind of like her when she first came back to LA. She had to show Spike that he's welcome here. Just like her friends did for her.

~ Uh huh and not gonna take no for an answer either, I'm a girl on a mission ~

She suggested showing him her room; so in turn she gets him to leave his. She saw the 'no' forming on his lips. So she reverted to an old technique she used with her father, begging.

"Oh please, Spike. I just finished redoing my room and no one's here to see it, please!"

Spike was a Victorian {well when he was human} and couldn't refuse the request of a lady, especially a begging one.

He left the bed he was practically living on for ~ how long did Angel say? ~ nearly five days, six if you count today. Started for the door when he noticed Fred wasn't following.

Looking at her he frowned. She was staring at him up and down. Finally meeting his eyes, she said "I think you should shower" before he could interrupt "and change your clothes too, you smell" she stated "I didn't know that vampires can smell"

Spike just stood there not believing his ears. Fred narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms. Spike tried to hold back a smile, he failed.

Bowing, he said in an educated tone "yes ma' lady" Fred giggled and brushed him off to the bathroom while she happily picked clean clothes for him to put on.

Finally they reached her room which was a level over his.

"Well, what do you think?" Fred questioned.

Spike entered the room and looked around. The walls were a bare white, with hardly anything on it. A bookcase was filled with all kinds of books. He narrowed his eyes when he noticed a particular type under a whole row of Physics books.

Fred began talking, telling him the reason for white walls. She used to write on the walls of her cave all the time when she was in Pylea; trying to find a way to go home. When she returned, the habit stayed with her until eventually she got over it. Returning a few weeks back...

"But well, that's not important anymore. I don't think you want to hear about that"

~ Maybe, maybe not, pet. But I think you need to talk about it ~ Spike mentally shook his head. What was he thinking? He can hardly help himself. How can he expect to help this sweet thing through *her* insecurities?

He turned his head towards the door. He should be back in his room. He doesn't belong with her. He shouldn't be around anyone.

Fred noticed his longing gaze at the door. Also she noticed the longing one he gave a certain item in her bookcase.

"You like poetry?"

Shocked he quickly replied "Yah. I mean no. I don't suppose I do, anymore." He fidgeted unsure himself of what to answer.

"You don't suppose .? Huh?" Fred was confused. Why would poetry rattle Spike like this? She reminded herself to find out later about that.

"Well uh it's been a while since I read any" he answered softly.

~ Definitely a story behind that! ~ Fred picked one of the books.

"How about reading one so you'd make up your mind?" she offered him the book she was holding.

Spike took a step forward to have a closer look. W.B. Yeats! One of his favorite poets, or was when he used to read. Suddenly he had the book in his hand and was halfway to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"Thanks, Fred" he said with his back to her. Fred was tickled, this was the first time he ever said her name. "But I really have to go"

"Why!" she said in a sad tone "am I not good company?"

"No!" He turned to her horrified "you're great it's just."

"Really?" said Fred.

"Yah but."

"Then you wouldn't mind keeping me company" she said firmly.

He held up the book as defense. "Well I was thinking of reading this back in my room"

"Pfft!" she waved her hand "I didn't mean a talking kind of company." She pointed at the Physics books. "I meant reading company, it'd be nice. Everybody is so busy they don't have time to just sit around and read in silence. And I thought you.unless." the young insecure girl in her began to show.

"'Nuff said luv'" he took a seat in one of the few chairs in the room "I'd be delighted to have you as a reading companion". He nodded his head and proceeded in doing just that.

Fred squealed, picked up her book and jumped on the bed. She got herself comfortable opened the book and lost herself in the science of it all.

Spike was looking at her discreetly over his book, noting her happiness with a small smile gracing his lips. Then he actually started reading, carrying the knowledge that he was doing something right for a charming young woman who had done a lot to help him from the kindness of her heart.

******

That's how it started. For the next few days, Spike and Fred would spend a day in Fred's room and the other in Spike's. They barely talked only enjoyed the shared peace when reading.

One day they were in Fred's room, which now has two paintings on each wall; due to Spike's suggestion. Fred was lying back on the bed listening to Spike, who was propped against the head board with an open book in his hands. He was reading out loud Shakespeare's 'A Mid Summer Night's Dream'.

Fred was hanging onto each word. She'd read this one in particular several times in the past. She was absorbed even then in the world of the night, as she called it. She hadn't read it since she 'came back'; it was hard for her to read something so unlike the world she lived in for five years.

But the story truly came to life from between Spike's lips. He slipped back to his old accent unconsciously, Fred noticed. The words just rolled out in fluency she could only wish for.

Spike and Fred were so engrossed that they weren't aware of a dark figure standing in the open doorway.

Angel could clearly see the connection between the two practically forming in front of his eyes. He knew they'd get along; that's way he'd asked Fred to help his childe in the first place.

~ Then why do I feel like I'm loosing him? ~

 He gazed at them for a while more, then as soundlessly as he appeared he left.

~ Whoa what's up with him? ~ Lorne wondered as Angel strode past him without even an acknowledging glance. He was just exiting his room when Angel came past him with that brooding face of his in place. He thought about following then refocused on his earlier detonation; Fred's across the hall.

He missed her. Since they came back from his hell dimension of an ex-home he and Fred have been spending time together talking about what happened to the world since she left. Though strangely neither of them felt they could talk about what happened to them in the five years. But now, she found a new distraction in Spike from her own problems. Lorne couldn't blame her. Facing other peoples problems are easer then your own, isn't that why he reads people's auras.

When he reached the open door he realized what was bothering Angel just now.

~Those two look cute together~.

"Ahem"

Spike raised his head to look at the stranger. ~ No not a stranger ~ Spike remembered him from that night when Angel barged in, he's the one who persuaded his sire to leave.

"Lorne! Hi" Fred jumped from the bed and went to hug her demon friend "long time no see"

"Well sweetie I wasn't the one who wasn't seeing" he playfully scolded.

Fred blushed and lowered her head, "Sorry, been kinda busy"

Lorne raised her head with his finger. "Hey no sweat, been using this great new product"

Fred giggled. "How about we make up for lost time?"

"Am. I." She looked back and forth between him and Spike, who silently absorbed them.

"Pet, I think I'm done for today why don't you run along and have fun with your friend there" Spike was never one for rejection. He got up and replaced the book on its shelf. And started for the doorway where the other two stood.

"Why the haste, blue eyes" Lorne intercepted him "this invitation is for two. My room was built for a party"

Spike was unsure. He knew Fred but this guy.

"Ooh, Spike. That would be so much fun, you'd love Lorne's room, come on!" She virtually dragged him out the room.

Spike looked back at Lorne who held up his hands in mock surrender. "Hey don't look at me. You know better than to say no to her. She begs like a pro"

******

Spike was lugged into Lorne's room by a surprisingly strong Fred. He stood there absorbing the brightly colored room. There was a full entertainment center at one wall and the one opposite it held a fully stocked bar, that Spike noted with appraisement. In the middle was the bed.

~WOW! ~

The bed was king size that could take five people easy. {The guy needs his fun!!}

Suddenly Fred jumped on the bed with effortlessness that told Spike that wasn't the first time that occurred.

Fred turned a bright smile towards him. "Lorne and I used to sit here all the time. We'd talk about everything."

Lorne sat down as well. "Don't talk about it like it was years ago, sugar. We're here now to make up for lost time aren't we?" he pointed at Spike to sit down "and we have a new member too. So let's talk kids"

They sat there in an uncomfortable silence.

Spike didn't know how their 'confession' came to be. One minute he was asking Fred why the paint in her room smelled new -you know small talk to alleviate the tension-, the next thing he knew she was relaying the events of a day a week before his arrival.

"They just showed up like that, my mom and dad" Fred said in a hitching voice "and it was like suddenly everything that happened was real, Pylea was real. I was in a place that they treated me like an animal. They wouldn't let me talk. I was afraid that eventually I'd forget how to talk. So I wrote. There wasn't any paper so I used the wall of a cave I lived in when I ran away. I began writing who I was; I was forgetting that too." She rambled.

"I tried not to think about what was happening to me. So I started to think about how I got there in the first place. I started to write those strange words I read before the portal opened and sucked me in. I realized what they were but when I tried to open one there it didn't work, I tried again and again. Nothing" her eyes began to glaze over with tears "So I gave up. I began to forget, to let go. Then Angel came and he was like the night in the shining armor that saved me. After that I started to forget about 'that place' and that I always lived with Angel in the hotel" she became silent then.

"But after they came." Spike persuaded her knowing that she had to let it all out.

"It was real" she whispered "everything was real" at that moment she started crying..

"sssshh" Spike calmed holding her to him, she laid her head on his chest and cried her eyes out her. Spike clearly realized the irony. It was less than two weeks when she held *him* in the same state.

"Sorry, sugar" Lorne placed his hand on the weeping girl's back "when the portal opened we switched, I was sent to your world. As for you, you took my place in that vile world. Me all I had to face was a month or two alone"

Spike looked at him and noted the lie vividly showing in his eyes. Lorne lowered his head noticing the intense gaze. "Well maybe not two it could have been a bit more, you lose count after a while" he murmured.

Fred sniffled one last time and pulled away from Spike. She sat back on her heals gazing quietly at Lorne "What happened?" she asked in a small voice.

"Nothing that you should."

"Tell me" she demanded.

Lorne sighed. "Well your average anti-demon humans. I got hungry a lot. But I found a friend in Aggie," Fred nodded knowing the girl he meant "she helped me. Showed me how to really use my readings, then Caritas was made and it was down hill from there". He seamed to silently beg her to understand. Tears willed up in her eyes again and swiftly she was in his embrace sharing their matching pain.

Spike sat there somewhat out of place not knowing what to do, to say, to comfort the two.

**Flash back**

"Well. When people hear others' problems, they give a similar story just to let them know they understand and to feel better" He glanced at Spike. "Did it work?"

Spike smiled. "Yeah it did"

**End flash back**

Spike chuckled remembering that day. That was a good day. Fred and Lorne separated to stare curiously at the chuckling vampire.  Spike turned a sad smile at them.

"Once, someone told me that sharing stories eases the pain." So that's exactly what he did. That whole night they spent it on Lorne's bed sharing. Spike relayed his happy times in Sunnydale. They laughed at some of the things he shared with Xander and then they soothed him when he talked about the transition after Xander's death.

~Part: 16~

Spike sat on his bed thinking how this thing worked between him, Fred and Lorne. Since the day they opened up to each other about their lives, he felt more close to them, liked being with them. They made him understand.

He liked it when Fred woke him up to eat breakfast in his, her or Lorne's room. They spent almost each day talking about their past, sharing their pain from years of suffering.

Fred was the one who reveled much about what happened to her in the five years she was messing. Sometimes she ended up crying and got held by either of the two men.

Spike and Lorne knew that Fred needed it. If they could handle their pain without breaking down, most of the time, it's because they were demons and way older than Fred. Though they had tears in their eyes when they spoke about their past.

But time wasn't spent in only sad reminisces. Fred told them today about her recent attraction towards Gunn, the strong young black man who works in Angel Investigations, and talked about how she always wanted to be his girl.Until she found out that he has feelings for Cordelia. That's when the girl knew she would never have a chance with him. She was nothing compared to the brunette young woman. Cordelia was beautiful with a great body. She knew how to dress and has attitude, unlike her self. She has everything a guy would dream of. Why would Gunn look at her when he has Cordelia?

Spike and Lorne on the other hand didn't approve.

"Not true, luv" The quiet vampire retorted. "You've got the whole lot"

"He's right, sugar" Lorne agreed. "You've also got everything guys are looking for. You're beautiful, intelligent, you've got amazing eyes and the prettiest smile I've ever seen"

Smiling shyly, she ducked her head. "Well, Wes said the same thing. He noticed my attraction to Gunn and told me that Gunn would be so lucky to have a girl like me. He was there for me when I discovered Gunn's admiration for Cordy. He held me close and stroked my hair telling me how beautiful I am. He told me that there's some one out there that loves me and wished that some day I'd find that man"

 She smiled remembering his words. "He's a great friend"

Through Fred's babble, the two men exchanged knowing looks. Obviously, the girl hadn't noticed that Wesley's feelings for *her*.

Now later that night, Spike sat alone in his room waiting for Fred. The young woman told him she was going out for a while and that she'll be back soon.

The blonde vampire got used to someone keeping him company, with Fred and Lorne always dashing into his room or dragging him to theirs.

Not to mention, a concerned Angel entering his room every moment, it seemed, to check on him.

Sometimes he feels sorry for his sire; he could feel Angel's need to help him pouring out, but if Angel couldn't sense his problem then sod him!

His foot started to twitch as he looked nervously at the night clock.

It was too early for Lorne to return from his club and why isn't Fred back already?

The silence was deafening and annoying at the same time; he really wanted to be with someone. Maybe Fred came back and went straight to her room. No that couldn't be, she always came by his room. Maybe she bought a lot of stuff and wanted to put them in her room. No, she'd show him what she bought first . or maybe she wanted to show him in her room! Well, then the best way to find out is to go to her room.

He stared at his door with apprehension as if it was going to attack him.

He never left his room without Fred or Lorne. Now he was about to go out there by himself, but . what if someone saw him and kicked him out of the .

~ What are you yapping about like some sissy bint? Stop being a ponce and go to the girl's room! ~

He got up from the bed slowly and headed to the door. He raised his shaky hand to the doorknob and let it just rest there.

~ What the *fuck* is wrong with you? You can open the bloody door ~

He opened the door and stuck his head out looking around the hallway.

~ No one is there ~ He thought with relief as he closed the door quietly behind him so if some one saw the door closed they'd think he's still inside. {Yah I know the guy's insecure *sigh* just read!}

He moved his legs toward Fred's room before he heard the high pitched scream. He froze recognizing the voice. It's Cordelia.

******

Angel watched Cordelia taking the pill, putting it in her mouth and drinking the water afterwards. She brushed her hair back giving him back the empty glass. "Thanks"

"You're feeling better?" He asked worried.

She nodded, trying to catch her breath.

 ~ No, you're not ~ He thought bitterly. Nowadays, Cordelia's visions were increasing and getting stronger and more painful. He could feel the pain beginning to overcome this young woman every time she had one, but she never complained. She always tried not to show her agony and kept telling them she's fine.

He remembered when Cordelia had her first vision. She kissed whoever came through the door to pass it to him. A soft smile curled up on his lips. The twenty-one year old did come along way in the last two years she's been working with him.

Cordelia raised her eyes to him and frowned. "This is not the time for brooding, Angel"

"Uh. yah. Right. What did you see?"

"I saw three large icky demons coming out of the sewers. I recognize the place. It's an alley two blocks away from here"

"Okay, I'm on my way" He headed to the weapons closet.

"No, Angel" She caught his arm. "They're so large. You can't fight them by yourself"

"But Wesley and Gunn aren't here and *No* Cordelia you can't come with me!"

She looked at him angrily.

"I'll go"

Both of them turned toward the soft-spoken words to see Spike standing at the stairs. The blonde's eyes barely met theirs as he stood nervously waiting for their response.

"Are you sure, Spike?" Cordelia asked.

Angel grimaced. "He's not going"

She turned her angry eyes to him. "You can't go alone, Angel"

"Spike is not ready for this"

"I'm fine, I'll go"

Spike focused his pleading eyes at Angel's begging him to understand. Angel knew it had taken a lot of effort from both Lorne and Fred to get Spike to leave his room go to theirs. It also must have taken a great deal from Spike himself to get down here alone. Nevertheless, for Spike to leave the hotel he needed something more, Angel grasped.

"Okay, but don't leave my sight"

Spike nodded slowly.

******

The ride was quiet, with Angel shooting concerned looks at Spike every few minutes. Spike didn't pay him any attention. He was staring at the road which, some how, seemed familiar.

"Here they are" Angel said as he shut off the engine and turned to Spike. "Don't-"

"-leave your sight, I know" Spike interrupted then got out of the car. Angel followed, hurling hard kicks and punches to a demon's stomach. While Spike vamped out and howled, clawing and ripping and slashing at them with a sword he held. The two of them were drown in the fight. Somewhere in it their backs were against each other. They held their swords close as the demons rounded them.

"I was trying to say, don't fight hard, only one at a time"

Spike froze at Angel words. Now the place was very familiar.

*Flash back*

"Stay back"

"No way, you're one, they're five, I passed math"

"It's too dange-"

"Don't give me that shit, Spike. Remember our last impending apocalypse"

"Fine, but only one at a time and keep your back to the wall"

*End flash back*

His eyes widened and he didn't see the demon that was about to hit him. If it wasn't for Angel shoving it away he would be in much need of a head right now. Angel looked at his childe before returning all his attention to the battle.

"Spike" He screamed.

Spike spun toward Angel who killed one of the demons and went for the other.

He should go there and help but couldn't make his legs work.

~ This is bloody stupid ~ he thought. ~ Why am I acting like this? ~

Maybe because this is the place where Xander died? He gave a half-strangled cry, then his legs gave out and he sank to the floor. The moment Angel heard the yell he fought harder to kill the two demons that were left, and keep them as far as possible from Spike.

Once all the demons were dead, he turned to see his childe shaking on the floor. He knelt beside him and pulled him close. Feeling Spike's head fall against his chest, he got to his feet with his boy in his arms and went to his car.

~ "But you needed . help" ~A voice rang in Spike's ears.

~ "But you needed . help" ~It repeated.

~ "But you needed . help" ~

"Its okay, its okay" He heard Angel's voice murmuring low words of comfort which drowned out the voices in his mind. He was gently sat on the passenger seat of Angel's car. Few more seconds to get him comfortable and Angel was behind the wheel.

The older vampire glanced over at him; his expression was full of worry and concern. Spike was rocking back and forth in the seat.

~ "But you needed . help" ~ Again and again. He screamed holding his head then suddenly tears exploded.

Angel pulled the car over to the side of the road then held Spike again. Spike found himself crying, shaking violently in his sire's arms. Repeating over and over "He's dead".

Angel was silent, and just tightened his embrace.

It was all coming back. Things so small he didn't tell Lorne and Fred about, yet they were significant. Spike remembered the times when Xander screamed at the TV while watching football. Remembered when he refused to come out of his room as he wore the leather pants they got him from the mall. Remembered when tears were in his friend's eyes as Spike insisted on fighting the wizards. His only best friend died because he didn't take care of him. Spike screamed.

Angel held him tighter in response, his voice still whispering in Spike's ears. He tried to bury himself in his sire but it didn't help. He couldn't escape.

After a while, Spike found himself calming down. He came out of it enough to notice Angel still holding him, running a hand through his blond hair, whispering in his ear.

The younger vampire raised his head to meet Angel's brown eyes. Angel kept whispering softly. Then Spike pulled out of his arms. But he didn't go far. A pair of lips brushed across Angel's own. His eyes flew open with shock. His gasp allowed the younger vampire to slip his tongue into his mouth.

He moaned as Spike twined his tongue around his, exploring the roof of his mouth and tracing the line of his teeth. He could taste the pain, the depression and the guilt.

Angel didn't want to take advantage of Spike in this state. But he could never resist his childe, or his sensual kisses. So he kissed back. Spike moaned in response. He moved his hand down the older mans broad back, distantly noting Angel doing the same to him.

Spike pulled away. Angel watched the pain in those beautiful blue eyes. "Sire?"

Angel smiled at him."Wil'".The dark brown pools drew Spike in. Offered safety, comfort . love?

"Go back?" Spike whispered.

"Yeah, let's go home" Angel turned back to the wheel and kept one hand on Spike's knee the entire time.

They made it to the hotel. Spike managed to get himself out of the car and headed to the entrance with Angel's hand on his shoulder for support.

Inside, they were greeted by a very concerned Fred and Cordelia. Fred was on her feet as soon as she spotted Spike. She stopped and shrunk in her place at Angel's gaze and her eyes followed the two vampires taking the stairs, while Cordelia smirked knowingly at their backs.

Angel helped Spike to his room's door. Spike reached for the doorknob and slowly opened the door. Before he took a step inside, Spike turned to Angel.

 "Angel?"

"Yeah, Spike?"

"Look, what just happened between us, I was just looking for comfort. It didn't mean anything, all right?"

Angel stared at the sad blue eyes for a second then gave a tiny smile.

"Sure, I understand"

Spike nodded slowly then went to his room and closed the door behind him.

Angel's lips lost their smile as he stared sadly at the door. He sighed then walked away.

~Part: 17~

Closing his eyes Angel leaned his head against the pillow and tried to relax but the images of the night's events kept replaying through his mind. The screams of his childe echoed through his already troubled thoughts and the kiss, God that kiss. Then what Spike said out side his room... He couldn't lose him. He knew now that he needed Spike in a way he had never thought possible before. Seeing his childe in Sunnydale had stirred up all the longing and emotion for the younger vampire that he had kept buried for so long and now that he had allowed himself to feel 'that' again he wasn't going to just give it all up. He wanted Spike but not only as his childe. The older vampire wanted them to be equals and he needed to make certain that Spike understood that.

******

Spike couldn't believe that he hadn't yet told either Fred or Lorne about the kiss. Well he didn't tell them everything anyway did he? No! Only telling them about this would remind him about what happened. He couldn't even think about it. OK he was thinking about it, but that doesn't mean he liked it dammit! Angel tricked him. Yes, that's it! He mentally patted himself for finding this. He despised Angel. Angel used the body of his sire 'Angelus' who he isn't *and* Spike's fragile state of being in the same place where his best friend died to take advantage of him.

~Yah that is exactly what happened! ~

Spike turned the mental pat into real slap. Who the hell is he fooling? Not himself that's who. He sighed which he thought was something really weird for a non-breathing vamp to do. Therefore, he did it again to make sure. He may as well not lie to himself, he liked that kiss, liked the feeling of his sire's lips on his.

~Huh I'm really perfecting this sighing thing. Must've got it from the incredible poof~

Well at least he had something else to be worried about; Fred wouldn't stop suggesting that he go downstairs to meet the others. Lorne agreed with her and now the blond vampire was being 'asked' for the millionth time.

"Sheesh Spike. What is with the sighing and you slapping yourself silly? What is wrong with you?" Fred looked at him suspiciously "Your not trying to make me think your crazy so you won't go down, now are you?"   Spike looked hopeful. "Well it's not gonna work mister". Her eyes lost the stern look they held a second ago. "Spike you promised me."

Spike's eyes widened "Oh no you don't. You're not using that begging thing you do with me, pet. I'm immune to that now"

Fred crossed her arms huffily "I was not. You just promised; you gave me your word!"

"Fine, fine, Fred" Spike raised his arms in defense. "You hop along and I'll come down soon."

"You better not be playing me," she warned.

"Do I look like one to lie, luv?" He gave her his infamous innocent look.

"Yes!"   He chuckled and pushed her towards the door "I give you the word of a master vampire that I'll change and be down in no time."

She turned. "You better!"

She said as she took his hand. "Are you sure you'll be okay to head down by yourself, Spike?"

"Yeah I'm sure" he answered her in a bored tone.

"You know I could stay."

"No, luv. You go ahead I'll follow you later"

"OK but remember Spike, it'll be fine. I talked with everyone and Wesley reassured me he'll act nice and he'd do whatever I asked him to. He seems to say that a lot lately," She said with a wondering look at her face.

"'Coz he bloody likes you, that's why," he muttered under his non-existent breath.

"What?" She exclaimed staring at him is shock. "Wesley likes me?"

"Well, duh" He said in a bad imitation of Cordelia. "It's so obvious, luv. And I've not even met the guy yet."

"Oh my God!" She said in disbelief. "Well, that's explains a lot of things. Things that were so obvious but God I didn't notice ."

"Fred" Spike cut her off before she started babbling. "It's okay. It's not the end of the world if you didn't notice 'em" He smiled as her face was lighting up.

"Oh I'm gonna go down now!" She hurried to the door, before she turned her head back. "Are you sure you.?"

"Yes, Go!"

She looked at him for a moment, then squealed and left. He gave a suffering sigh before falling on his bed.

******

Spike peered over the railing to look down the hall. There were two men with Fred and Cordelia, chatting along. He wasn't sure if he could do this. He thought about going back to his room, but he promised Fred he'd do it. It's just that after last nigh.

~ Yah right she doesn't know about that she must've got it as a sign that I'm ready or somethin'~.but it isn't, it's too soon for him. Maybe he'd do it another time. He started to go back.

Among the general murmur of conversation below, "Spike!" came through. Fred was looking upwards at him along with the others. Cordelia was smiling at him. Cordelia? No smirk, no grin but smiling. Now that is weird!

Fred gave him a reassuring smile. Swallowing hard, he moved his legs downstairs. Cordelia kept smiling at him and he nodded to her. He looked at the two other men as Fred introduced them. "Spike this is Gunn and that's Wesley" He noticed the way she smiled at Wesley. "Wesley and Gunn this is Spike"

Wesley held out his hand. "I finally get to meet William the Bloody. Hello." Spike took the offered hand and shook it silently.

"Hey man, heard a lot about you." Gunn slapped Spike's raised hand, grinning hugely.

Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Oh! Gunn, please, why won't you try to act more mature?"

"What? What did I do?"

Cordelia and Gunn started fighting, while Wesley headed to the front desk. He had witnessed two of those today. Fred followed him. "Hey Wes"

Wesley raised his head to look at her, and then smiled. "Hello Fred"

"Whatcha' doing?" she asked leaning next to him.

"Researching a prophecy to help Angel." He looked at the papers in his desk. "You know he has a lot to do, he really needs a hand. So I'm helping."

"That's so sweet." He raised his head again and saw Fred smiling beautifully at him. He smiled back and there they were just staring and smiling at each other.

Spike looked nervously at the people around him. Cordelia and Gunn were fighting, Fred and Wesley doing.He raised his eyebrow. whatever the hell they're doing over there. It was so crowded. He needed to get away. He started walking slowly to another room. He entered the room with his eyes still on the people outside. Suddenly he froze when his eyes were on the figure sitting behind the desk researching. His sire didn't seem to notice him as he was drowning in all the books and files covering the desk.

He just watched the dark vampire. Angel raised his head and Spike looked at him in shock. He looked so tired. He was obviously not getting enough sleep.

"Spike? Hi" Angel smiled getting up.

"H. hi Angel"

Angel squeezed his forehead in exhaustion. "So, how are you doing, after yesterday?"

Spike grimaced. "I thought I told you not to talk about it."

"No Spike, you said that it meant nothing to you, you didn't say we shouldn't talk about it" Spike didn't miss the hurt in Angel's weary eyes.

"Alright, no talking about it, sound okay?"

"No" Angel exclaimed. "Spike, why do you always try to get away from me? I'm your sire; I'm the only one who understands you."

"No" Spike protested. "The only one who understands me is dead now."

"Oh, yeah right, Xander" Angel sounded bored. "Now can we stop talking about him for a second, we're talking about last night here."

"You're not the one who decides what I should talk about! And when did we talk about Xander? When did we talk at all?"

"I always wanted to talk with you but you'd never let me!"

"Maybe 'coz if I did talk about Xander, you'd get that same look on your face"

"I never liked Xander," Angel said as if it would explain.

"I've always hated Darla, but I always listened to you when you fuckin' yapped on about her."

"That's because you were my childe, Spike. You had to listen to everything I said. Now I really want to talk about yesterday," Angel said calmly as he approached.

Spike stepped back. "Stay away from me" he hissed.

"Spike, why do you try to avoid me?"

"You . you don't ."

"I don't what?"

"You don't understand"

"Tell me what is it?"

"No, you ."

"Hey, what's up sweeties?" Spike looked up at Lorne in relief. "Hey, I just got back from Caritas and I've got this new number I wanta try. And I'd like your opinion, blue eyes"

"Lorne, Spike and I are discussing important stuff here; can you wait for a minute?"

"Discussing? Really it sounded more like yelling to me."

"Lorne!"

Lorne looked at Angel's glaring eyes then at Spike pleading ones. He decided to help Spike.

"What do you want, Spike?"

"I think I'd like to hear your song"

"OK, it settled then. Let's go Blondie"

They went outside, ignoring Angel's deadly looks. "Thanks, mate."

"Any time, my friend .oh well, what'd ya know she finally got him!" Lorne said looking in the direction of the front desk.

Spike smiled at Fred and Wesley who were still smiling at each other.

~Part: 18~

Two months past since Xander's death and no word from Sunnydale, didn't go well with Spike who barely talked to anyone about it except Fred and Lorne. Those three had been spending every possible moment together, which was a blessing, and a somewhat discomfort to both Angel and Wesley.

They knew that Spike and Fred need to interact and with helping each other, they are achieving that. But Wesley feared they were getting too attached. Not that he had anything against Spike. He has gotten to know and respect the blond vampire, and maybe even go so far as to say he liked him. The problem was *his* feelings towards Fred.

Angel has a similar problem towards Spike's attachment and confidence in Fred and Lorne. Angel knew he didn't bring Spike to LA to follow on old age romance, but to help him.

~ But god! I am only a master vampire, and he's a walking sex symbol~ Angel mentally whined while continuing to watch Spike and Fred laugh at something Cordelia said.

It was a quite day, no cases or visions to disturb them.

~ Can one order an apocalypse? ~

The sexual tension was much more than Angel could take. Not only was Wesley was regretting his agreement with Angel concerning Spike. But Gunn's crush on Cordy - to which he hides behind barbs and well placed remarks - was being targeted by Spike's witty charm. And for Angel, that is dangerous since Gunn never fully accepted Spike as the girls obviously did.

~ That's my boy, even without thinking he's making women swoon at his feet ~ not to mention Angel who ws waiting on him hand and foot.

"Evening Angel-cakes" Lorne addressed him, coming down the stairs. "Trouble in paradise?"

"I don't know what you're talking about?" Angel denied, knowing full well that every one in the hotel - not to mention several of Caritas' regulars - knew that Angel was head over heals for his obnoxious childe; oh other than Gunn who was in his own little world of Cordelia and obviously the vamp in question.

~ Ironic huh ~   Lorne shook his head sympathetically and headed for Cordelia's desk. "Hello ladies" he addressed the girls. Spike death glared "and Spike" the green demon quickly retracted.

"Hey Lorne, Can we come to the club tonight?" Cordelia asked "and I'm talking all of us here" she said as she raised her voice, two men and a vampire visibly cringed.

"Sure gorgeous. You know you guys don't need an invite to my newly-fixed-anti-violence-from-every-species-known or unknown- club," Lorne said and grinned, unmistakably addressing a certain someone by that.

~ Yeah! Gunn squirmed, I know I forgave him a while back but it's still fun ~

Spike smirked knowing full well that there was more to this demon.  ~ Wallowing in others guilt *snicker* I think I'm teaching him too well. ~

Angel noticed the silent exchange. ~ Lorne is spending way too much time with Cordy and Spike ~

"And why pray tell are we going out on a work night?" Wesley said.

"What work Wes?" Cordelia complained. "No cases or head splitting visions and you guys are sitting around doing nothing but watching us." clearly nothing got past Queen C as she gave Angel and Wesley meaningful looks; on the exception of Gunn that is. "And Fred, Spike and I are reading fashion magazines."

"Oi, I was not reading them I was making. fun of the ugly people!" Spike yelled, which Cordy choose to ignore. "As I was saying, nothing to do. So at least we can go out where as Fred and I can try out the new make up tips we found, so what do you guys think?"

To any one who knew Cordelia Chase, this was not a question. "Ok, great. Since no one is disagreeing I say we meet at the lobby at eight." Cordelia dragged Fred up the stairs. "And guys please make an effort to look descent, you'll be escorting two lovely ladies tonight." At that she left four worried men and a fifth wishing them luck before leaving him self.   ******

Ten to eight.

Angel was in his room putting on the finishing touches. ~ God. Hope Cordy doesn't think I lost my soul again ~ Angel debated on taking off his leather pants, finally willing to trust his friends' better judgment he exited the room.

Going past Spike's room, which was still next door to his, Angel heard crying. Turning back, he knocked on the door and when the only reply he received was an added hiccup, he entered.

The sight that greeted him was one that brought tears to his eyes; he held them in, needing to be strong for his childe.

Spike was huddling in a corner, in only leather pants while holding a duffle bag to his chest. Said bag was open, revealing several items, which Angel recognized whom they belonged to, thanks to the orange shirt.

Spike who was expecting to see Fred when he heard the knock was surprised to see his sire since he rarely came to his room lately- He never did acknowledged him when Angel did come in the past.

"Spike, are you all right?"

"M' fine" said a mumbling voice.

"No you're not, Spike please talk to me" Angel crouched in front of him "I want to help, why don't you let me in? Why don't you talk to me?"   "I talk to you all the bloody time Angelus!" Spike snarled in a rough voice.

"No! Not about this, not about what happened. You only talk to Fred or Lorne about it. And not to me and I'm your sire, I know you better, but you never come to talk to me" Angel whispered "why?"

"I should get dressed" Spike got up and walked to the closet.

"Was it the bag?"

"Huh?"   "Xander's bag, is that the reason you were crying?"

Silence filled the room for what seemed like forever Angel went to speak when."I miss him" Angel, who was surprised to get a straight answer didn't have anything to say.

Spike turned around holding a dark blue shirt now instead of the bag. "He said it brings out my eyes" he smiled softly.

Something registered to Angel *jealousy* "What was he?"

Spike seemed confused "You mean, who was he, right? Xander?"

"No!" Angel snapped, "I know it's Xander who gave it to you. I know he was the reason you were crying" Angel locked his eyes with Spike's "What I want to know what he was to you. This." Angel pointed around, at the corner Spike was at drying his tears when he came in, at the shirt. "All this is about him. What I want to now is who.what was he to you," Angel asked fearing the answer

 ~ Xander was gonna marry Anya he couldn't have been.~

"My friend" Spike said interrupting his thought "My first true friend. My best friend, the first person who I would share anything with and would share with me the same" he said softly finishing the last touches on his hair. "We better get down stairs before Legs starts yelling. Bloody worse than the chip that is" Spike was at the door. "Coming?"

Angel, struck by that revelation shook his head and followed Spike down the hall.   ******

Wesley and Gunn were ready, sitting in anticipation on the couch when Spike and Angel came down. Cordelia and Fred were nowhere in sight.

"Where are." Wesley and Gunn's gasps interrupted Angel. Turning around he understood why

~ They're stunning! ~

Cordelia and Fred just reached the bottom stairs. Cordelia full of confidence and Fred more shy than ever. They were wearing matching halter-tops on the exception of the color. Fred's was dark red with tight leather pants, while Cordy's was black with a short tight dark blue skirt and knee high boots. Not to mention their perfect make up.

"Cor luv' you've out done yourself, you both are stunning" Spike smiled widely. "We are gonna hafta' beat up men with a stick away from you gals."

"I think this will not be a problem of yours," Wesley said whilst he and Gunn came past Spike and Angel and to stand on the either side of the girls.

Wesley took Fred's hand "I must agree with Spike on that. You're breath taking" he murmured, kissing her hand.

Gunn on the other side of Cordelia stood gaping at her "Uh yeah what he said" he whispered. Cordelia smiled widely accepting the compliment and took the initiative, taking hold of Gunn's arm; something he was really pleased about. "Ok guys" she said, "You all look great too by the way, and I guess its leather all around tonight. We should be going now before The PTBs change their minds." With that last note, they practically ran out of the hotel.

******

Caritas was at full swing tonight. Gunn and Angel went to the bar to get the drinks while the others sat in their reserved place.

At the bar, Gunn ordered the drinks. Angel approached Lorne "Woh! Mean Man on a mission vibes I'm getting here"

"I want you to read Spike," Angel told Lorne seriously.

Lorne concerned said, "He needs to sing first, honey. He has to let it all out so I can read him fully. And even then you know I can't tell you what I see"

"I know, he'll sing you'll see to that," Angel said trusting Lorne's manipulation techniques. "As for the reading" he looked at the green seer sternly. "I know you and he are close. You'll do what you feel is right."

Lorne tried to hold Angel's look but finally relented and sighed. Angel, pleased, left to help Gunn carry their order.

~ Heavens! I dreaded this day. Spike is very emotional by nature, I'm gonna get one hell of a migraine tonight ~ Sighing for the second time Lorne prayed for strength to help a friend.   ******

"Enjoying yourselves tonight?" Lorne greeted his friends. "Don't you all look fabulous? Out for the kill girls!" He ignored the glares from both Gunn and Wesley. He turned his attention towards Spike after a nod from Angel that nobody saw "blue-eyes" he addressed him. "How about favoring us with a song tonight?"

Spike was shocked. Lorne never asked him to sing before. Usually it was Fred or one of the others ~ with the exception of Angel, *mental chuckle* now that's a nightmare ~ realizing that Lorne was still waiting for an answer "I don't know mate."

"Oh no you don't Spike. I've heard you sing. It was so beautiful. You have ta' sing, please," Fred begged.

"Spike can sing? Really! Now the Billy thing makes sense," Gunn stated.

"Oh William always had a lovely voice" Angel said, "he used to sing Dru to sleep when she was upset" "you remember?" Spike asked surprised "I never forgot Wil'" Knowing looks were cast from the other occupants, except Gunn who was still on 'the Spike can sing' part.

"Then you have to sing Spike" Cordelia declared braking the trance "Every one here sang, now it's your turn."

"Yes, I believe you can call it tradition" Wesley said "Sort of an initiation."

"What do you mean?" confusion written all over Spike's face "Initiation to what?"

"To the AI group, silly" Fred said, "I always pictured us as The Fang Gang" Gunn said, "Oh that's much better than mine since there are two vampires now"

Every one turned their attention to Spike "So what do you think? Want to be the second set of fangs for the gang?" Cordelia laughed at her own pun.

"Uh ya why not" Spike said, now lost for words "um...I think I'll go pick a song" he said hastily. Lorne showed him where to get the songs.

"Uh Lorne?" Fred asked, "Ya sugar?" Lorne said, "Where did Spike go? You always let us pick from there," pointing at a cubicle next to the one Spike's in.

Lorne, keeping an eye on Spike, spared a glance at the questioning looks from the group, he sighed, "Well, you see that booth is entranced, any one who uses it picks the perfect song for them"

"And why don't we use it?"   "You don't get it Charles, you may pick a song you don't even like. If you like rock, you could pick Jazz. It depends on your mood and what you're feeling at that time. Basically, it will let you show your true feelings to every one"

"Especially you" Wes understood. "It will make reading him easer. Why would you do that?"

Lorne turned his eyes to Angel who honestly explained his intention after what happened earlier at the hotel.

Everybody was quiet, apart from Cordelia "I can't fully agree to what's happening, but since I don't have anything better I'll give in. Except for one thing, won't it be too much for Lorne to take?"

Attention turned to Lorne. "Don't worry princess I can hold my own. I might stop reading people for a while but I'll be ok."

"Lorne if it's too much you."

"No Angel you were right. I am a friend to Spike, I should have done this before, he mustn't keep it all in. There are things he needs to let out."

Suddenly the lights dimmed, soft music began and Spike came out on the stage.

******

The soft music sounded for a few seconds, several recognized the song. Lorne was right Spike did choose a song that is SO not like him. The sight of his beautiful childe bathed in the harsh light fixated Angel. Then Spike began to sing.

// Show me the meaning of being lonely. So many words for the broken heart It's hard to see in a crimson love So hard to breathe Walk with me, and maybe //

His voice was as smooth Angel had always remembered

~ Gods, his voice is beautifuler than I remember, is that a word? Who the hell cares ~ Angel lost himself in the words, feeling his boy's pain. Lorne on the other hand was truly feeling it; he sat and downed. something, he didn't care what as long as it was alcohol.

// Nights of light so soon become Wild and free I could feel the sun Your every wish will be done They tell me. //

By that time the whole club fell silent, listening to the obviously hurt - if not physically, emotionally - vampire.

//Show me the meaning of being lonely Is this the feeling I need to walk with Tell me why I can't be there where you are There's something missing in my heart//

"Heavens he holds it all against himself," Lorne whispered, he had to bite back the tears as he felt all the pain and sadness the vampire had endured.

He was viewing what Spike had been through in the past. His killings, the Scoobies, when he hit Angel. no Angelus on the head, helping Buffy, Drusilla leaving him, retuning to Sunnydale, seeing his sire well and with the slayer after everything that happened, trying to achieve the same with his dark princess and failing, Sunnydale again, the ring, LA, someone else torturing his sire since he couldn't bring himself to; failing, to the Hellmouth yet again, experiments; unbelievable pain, the chip, more pain humiliation, loneliness, his sire returning and leaving without him, loving the slayer, Glory, Buffy's death and Xander's not far behind, losing his friends' trust,  then nothing. blank.

// Life goes on, as it never ends Eyes of stone observe the trends They never say forever gaze if only

Guilty roads to endless love There's no control Are you with me now? Your every wish will be done They tell me //

Then rushing memories; his turning, his happy 20 years with Angelus, his sire leaving, punished by Darla he didn't understand way then realizing he destroyed the chance to bring his sire back, China; slayer; begging Angelus -who was carrying a baby?!- to take him with him, Angelus refusing and leaving not seeing him for almost 100 years until the Hellmouth. again the memories swirled in Lorne's head; the same maybe with some minor detail.  The visions finished with Spike singing the last lyrics on the song.

// There's no where to run I have no place to go Surrender my heart, body and soul How can it be you're asking me to feel The things you never show

You are missing in my heart Tell me why I can't be there where you are //

//Show me the meaning of being lonely Is this the feeling I need to walk with? Tell me why I can't be there where you are There's something missing in my heart//

Spike whispered the last words into the microphone. The lights flashed on and Spike was gone.

 ~ OHMYGOD! He has.~

"Lorne, Lorne are you ok?"

 "Can you hear us?" several voices returned him to the present.

"Wow now that was a rush" he turned to his worried friends. "Don't fuss I'm ok"

"So?" Angel asked.

 "He's hurting, deeply."

 "How?"   "You know I can't tell you that"

Angel was about to demand an answer when Spike headed their way, every one quickly wiped their eyes.

"Bloody hell, I don't know where that came from, who'd thought I'd sing a song by a bloody boy band, with such a poofy name none the less"

"Well silly name or not that was beautiful, Spike" Fred said sniffling and everyone nodded their heads in agreement, not trusting their voice.

Gunn was laughing harshly. "I can't believe you were singing a song by."

Spike gritted his teeth. "Shut up you wanker" That made Gunn laugh even harder and everyone chuckled along with him.

"Am mate" Spike said to Lorne, desperately wanting to change the subject. "I need to talk with you about something." Nodding his head, Lorne took Spike to his office, leaving the others commenting on Spike great voice and ideas for a career change. While Gunn was making jabs as even if his voice wasn't *that* bad he should've brought a camcorder and used the material as black mail.

Whilst Angel followed the departing two with his eyes, roughly regretting what happened ~ *now* Lorne knows Spike better than me ~ he sighed.

******

"So doc what's the verdict?" Spike asked Lorne as he was closing the door. Lorne heaved a sigh and asked Spike to sit with him on the couch, Spike shrugged and sat.

"Why didn't you tell him?"   "Oh no, I'm the one asking, mate" Lorne waved his hand so Spike can proceed. "For one thing what spell did you put on me so I would pick such a poofy song?"

"Not on you, on the booth."

"Faire enough, the question is, why?"

Lorne struggled to find an answer that wouldn't let out Angel's involvement, Spike though didn't give him a chance to. "He asked you to, didn't he!" Spike stated with a hint of anger.

"He only wants to make sure you're ok."   "Oh and that makes it all fine now, doesn't it!" Spike shouted, "Well am I ok?"

"Spike you don't have to do this" Lorne cringed.

"Do what? Tell me! You want me to stand by while you go yap to the Lord and Master"

"That's enough Spike!!" Lorne yelled standing up. Spike fell silent; Lorne never lost his temper.

 ~ Never he's suppose to be the calm one ~

 "You know better than that. I won't tell Angel or anybody for that matter what I saw" Lorne sounded disappointed.

~ Bloody hell! I should have.*mental cringe*. The guy only wants to help ~ but the real question here is Spike willing to take it?

Lorne saw the emotional conflict play on Spike's face "He might've asked me to, but I agreed because I do want to help." Lorne sat back down. "That is if you'd let me," he said silently.  Spike inwardly chuckled ~ leave it to red eyes to know.~

Finally meeting Lorne eyes, Spike agreed, nodding his head. "I believe I might have to hold you to it,"

Visibly relaxing, Lorne smiled. "Be my guest" he said before turning serious "the first thing you have to do is believe in it yourself."   "I do."

"Then say it" Lorne encouraged. "we'll handle the rest later."

Spike took several unneeded breaths before saying...

"I have a soul."

Lorne nodded approvingly ~ one down ~

******

"I have a soul," Spike repeated with sorrow.

"Spike are you ok?"

"Didn't I ask that earlier?" He tried to be smug, but on Lorne's look, he replied, "No, mate. I'm not"

"And why is that" Lorne questioned quietly.

Spike chuckled emotionlessly "Are you a bleedin' psych?"

"I just want to help you, blue eyes" Lorne replied, "It's what friends do," he stressed.

"Friends?" Spike said wistfully.

"That's what I am Spike. That's what the others are as well, your friends"

"That's what the Scoobies said before."

Lorne felt his anger rise at the mention of 'them'. "I don't know them personally" he stated harshly. "I don't know why they acted that way. But to be honest I don't care. You're here now with people who *truly* care about you," he smiled, "a singing demon that's this close to hiring you..." Spike snorted at that, "And a vampire that would give anything to be with you" he finished solemnly.

"No red eyes, don't give me that fuckin' crap!" Spike yelled "He's my bleedin' sire and didn't even know I had a bloody soul."

A muffled cry turned their attention to the door where Fred was, her hand over her mouth. Spike and Lorne quickly got up.

"I. I. we were worried and. God!"

"Fred luv' calm down" Spike began soothingly.

"Calm down! How can I. you. and he. oh my?" she stuttered.

"He's right honey," Lorne said. "How about we take this inside, huh?"

Fred absently nodded her head, still staring wide-eyed at Spike. "How?" she whispered. Spike contemplated avoiding the subject but Lorne's signifying nod and the mouthed 'tell her' stopped that.

Sighing "I don't think it was ever gone. Pet?" Spike was worried; Fred was so shaken up she would have fallen if Lorne hadn't helped her to the couch.

"How could.?" She couldn't finish the sentence, Spike thought it was because she was holding back her tears

~ I know what she's thinking ~

"I know what you're thinkin', Fred" he said sadly. "How could I do those horrible things; kill all those people, when I have a soul. I know what you're thinkin' coz I'm thinkin' it too." he began to pace. "Coz soul or not I'm a monster. No wonder they blamed me for what happened. They saw me for what I was." Spike trailed off, going back to his safe place.

"NO!" Fred jumped and shook his shoulders. "It took me nearly two months to get you to stop doing that *every* day. You are not gonna ruin all that, mister" she said forcefully.

"Sorry" Spike apologized.

~I don't want to hurt Fred too. She's been so nice to me. She shouldn't have found out th. ~

"Stop that now! You're becoming worst than Angel" Lorne roared coming out of his silence.

~ wow Lorne yelled, he never did that before ~ Fred mused.

"Hey don't be makin.  I am nothing like that poof!"

Fred smiled at that ~ Spike is back! ~

Spike noticed the smiled and calmed down. "Sorry to disappoint you, luv'"

"What are you talking about?"

"Just now, you were all 'Oh God how' and 'how could' about what I did."

"About what. huh? OH that!" she smacked him playfully "Silly, that was about Angel, not you. About how could he not know." Her voice became concerned. "Are you all right? Does it hurt?"

Spike smiled weakly "Sometimes, when I'm alone"

"Then we have to see that you aren't" Lorne broke in.

"Huh?"

 "Well Fred here and I happen to be living in the same hotel you live in, so we'll see to it that you're never left alone."

"Yeah! And you and Lorne can talk about all that manly stuff when I'm not there." Fred let out a snicker that Spike felt compelled to return. "Though I wouldn't mind to knowing what was happening when I came barging in" she looked at Lorne.

"Can I?" Lorne indicated to Fred. "You know." Spike realized that Lorne was asking his say-so on the matter. Smiling warmly he agreed.

It took only several minutes to explain since Lorne didn't go in full detail, for all their sakes. Fred approved on keeping it a secret for now, and was strong-willed to help Spike through his ordeal to accept his souled self.

After that, they returned to the table and the three avoided looking at Angel and continued their evening.

~Part: 19a~

A week had past since the incident at the club. The sexual tension decreased for the mortal crew of AI or The Fang Gang as Gunn calls it. Said street fighter was happily dating Angel's very own seer. Fred and Wesley finally came out and told each other their feelings. The two couples were going out to the theater, hence the on going argument between Fred and Lorne.

".But Lorne Wesley and I prefer to go out alone anyway."

".No need for that muffin; since I'm staying instead."   Lorne and Fred have been at it for fifteen minutes. Spike was timing ~ heh! Fred is rubbing off on me ~ Still the two argued about who would stay with Spike tonight. Spike was beginning to get bored.

"Um guys, I think I'm old 'nough to stay alone for one night" Spike cut in. "I hardly think anything bad is gonna to happen."

"NO!" they yelled in unison.

"What!?" Spike asked confused.

"Blue eyes, you just happen to have jinxed us" Lorne said calmly but yet annoyed.

"I can't believe you could do something like that to us Spike" Fred shook her head in displeasure.

"Oh c'mon you two!" Spike couldn't believe this. "Do you actually think that one sentence could." he stopped remembering the passed years, realization hit, he stared guiltily back at the two "sorry?"

"Argh! If only you didn't have such blue eyes," Fred threatened smiling.

Lorne sniggered "And what were you talking about anyway, you can't stay by yourself. You know what happens"

"Yeah but I think it's fine time I faced my phantoms doc." Spike stood up. "As for you two" he pointed at Lorne "*You* know you can't leave Caritas without its host. And *you*" turning his attention to Fred, "need to have support on your first date with Wesley, hence Legs and Hood. I've worked long and hard to get you together, you are not going to ruin that all, missy" he replayed her words to her.   A giggling Fred kissed him on the cheek then held him tight. "Are you sure?" she whispered.

Spike took in the smell of her hair. "This is a good time as any" he whispered back.

Pulling away, Fred had tears in her eyes. "You know my cell number. I'm always there." Spike kissed the top of her head "Ta luv', I don't know what I would've done with out you" Lorne was surveying the scene with a small smile on his green face. "Both of you" stressed Spike and smiled in return.

Lorne led Fred out of Spike's room where the argument continued. "You know the club is only a couple blocks away" he said silently.

"I'll keep that in mind," said Spike before the door closed.

Spike sat down on his bed. He resigned himself to along night alone in a hotel with only his sire in the office down stairs.

******

Angel was sitting in his office reviewing a case file when Wesley knocked on the open door. "Are you sure you don't want to come with us, Angel" he said coming in "I remember you telling me you liked the theater very much."

"I do, Wes, but this case really needs filing and I can't put it off any longer. Besides I've already seen that particular play years ago."

An interested Wesley sat down. "Really when?"

"Let's just say that there is something out there that can make Angelus cry."

Wesley let out a laugh. "Well then I think tonight is going to be quite interesting." He turned concerned eyes towards the brown-haired vampire. "We still have a ticket left and since Spike venomously refused coming, on the basis that he is not the nancy boy vampire in this hotel, you can still come"

Angel chuckled at his childe's words.  He shook his head, picking up the file like it would explain.

Sighing Wesley got up when he heard Cordelia calling "You know, Angel, Spike maybe your Childe but he is still a master vampire in his own right and he deserves a chance to face his phantoms on his own" he said, unknowingly repeating Spike's previous words.

Smiling sadly, Angel replied, "I wish it could be that easy, but I'm not letting go again" he said sternly. He got up and followed Wesley out to the lobby where everyone was dressed up, even Gunn. ~ Wow he must really care for Cordelia ~ he commended on the way they looked; Cordy beamed, Fred blushed and he could swear Gunn growled just now, but he dismissed it.

  "Enjoy yourselves tonight, you guys deserve it"

Several 'thank you' and 'are you sure you don't want to come' were said. Then they left.

******

In his room Spike heard the others leave, shuddering not believing what he was about to do ~ 100 years and it led to this. Brooding like me old sire ~ he shuddered one last time and commenced the brooding.

An hour past and Spike discovered something that his two friends constantly repeated. "Bloody hell! I don't feel guilty, well not much. Come to think of it I only did what I was made to do before my soul was released".

Spike, Lorne and Fred agreed on the fact that the reason that he always had humanity as a vampire but not guilt for his killings was that his soul was trapped inside of him, until something caused it to be released, recently. That something they were yet to find out.

Thanking gods he didn't believe in for having those two that knew him better than anyone, ever, and still cared enough to help him. Something in that sentence made Spike replay it ~ Know me better than anyone, especially red eyes he's seen inside of me.  But why would that bother me? So they know me, they *are* my closest frien...~

"Oh God!" Spike whispered "no, no, no, Xander is... was my closest. best friend nothing will ever change..."

**Flash back**

"You know something, Spike" Xander said out of no where "I could tell you anything and every thing and know you'd understand, don't you feel the same about me?"

~ I don't think you could understand, mate, I wouldn't want to lose you. ~

Upon Xander's questioning look, he said, "Uh yah you bet, Xan." Xander flashed his smile and stared back at the road.

**End flash back**

Spike fell on the ground with tears streaming down his face "I'm sorry, so sorry I couldn't tell you, thought you'd hate me, forgive me for not telling you I had a soul. You would've cast me away and..."

"You couldn't know if you didn't try" a very familiar voice startled Spike.

~ *It can't be* ~ Spike raised his head slowly, blinked then... screamed.

******

"What the hell!!" Angel  said as he ran out of his office to Spike's room in less than a minute, stopping at the door to Spike's room when he sensed only Spike in it. He wanted to open the door to find out what happened, but didn't dare to; for he recalled an incident a while back.

**Flash back** {a lot of flash backs, I know! I just don't feel like writing the whole thing so there *sticks tongue out*)

Angel woke up with a start. He had dreamt about someone screaming, that is not a very pleasurable thing ~ strange don't recall dreaming ~ shrugging he lay down to sleep again when he heard another scream "now I know that wasn't a dream... oh God, Spike." He ran to the next room, flinging the door open. Spike was in the middle of the bed rocking himself and mumbling he still hasn't noticed Angel. Angel sat down next to him and placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Shush childe, I'm here, I understand" Instantly Spike flung himself at Angel who was more than thrilled about the contact. "Come on Spike. Tell me what's bothering you." Suddenly there was one less childe in his arms.

"Fuck you!! You just said you understand" Spike snarled.

"Yes, I know what it feels like to loose a close friend and think it was your fault"

"Huh?"

"Doyle, you remember him, he gave up his life instead of me and I never could forgive myself"

Spike started laughing while Angel glared. "Christ, that is so like you only thinking about yourself. Cheerleader told me what happened, your friend was a hero, give him credit where it is due. Don't fucking make it all about you!" Spike accused a shamefaced Angel.

"Fine, you got me there. Then you have to realize that the same applies to you."

"What are you yapping about?"

"Xander, who else?"

"You think this is about him. I know what he did is very brave. Stupid but brave, I can't deny that." Spike saw something on Angel's face. "You can't believe I still think it was my fault do you?"

"Isn't this about that, the screaming the..."

"You really don't know do you?" he said in dread.

"Well I would if you tell..."

"Fuck you, Angelus" Spike yelled, "Don't you dare come in here again thinking you want to help me when you don't bloody well know what's wrong".

He pushed Angel out of the room "unless you're finally *enlightened*, or there happens to be someone very intent on harming me, don't ever come into my room." the door slammed in Angel face.

**End flash back**

Angel placed a hand on the door ~ Spike is completely alone, and I still don't know what's wrong, no thanks to Fred and Lorne ~ mentally grumbling Angel returned to his office, not noticing the other voice in Spike's room.

{yah I know all that bloody vampire hearing and nothing *shakes head in disgust* stupid broody vampire}

~~~*~~~

"Wha. what are you?" Spike said with alarm.

  "Oh I'm a what now!" the voice grumbled. "You're dead for nearly three months then you become a what." The figure nodded his head sadly.

Spike shook his head in disbelief, murmuring. "No, no this . this is one of those dreams I keep having. He can't be here, he just ."

"Hey!" The figure shouted. "Standing right here, what's the deal with this 'he'?"

  The vampire raised his head again. "Xan. Xander" He whispered, "Is that really you?"

"In the flesh bleach boy" Xander said cheerfully. Suddenly there was a blond vampire flinging himself at him, then through him?

"Bloody hell!" Spike rubbed his head. "That fuckin' hurt."

"Oops, sorry -not so much in the flesh- sometimes I forget to corporeal myself." Spike watched as his suppose to be dead friend extended a hand to help him up. "Don't worry I'm as solid as they come now." Spike stared at him in disbelief. "Oh c'mon Spike. You can touch me." Spike looked at the hand skeptically, shrugged and took it. Then he was standing face to face with a grinning Alexander Harris.

"Hi" said Xander. "Miss me"

"Are you Xander? Really him?"

"What do you want me to be, repeat-o guy!"

Spike stared at him, still wide eyed, not understanding the situation in front of him. ~ Must be dreaming. He's supposed to be dead! That's just insane, I am INSANE ~

Xander snorted. "Oh no! That's what happens when you live with your stupid sire, you're brooding just like him"

Spike growled. "Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

They stared at each other for a moment. Then Spike's eyes widened again. "Xander? You're Xander?"

Xander rolled his eyes. "Here we go again. Me Xander, you Spike, what more can I say? You should know me better."  Alleged Xander raising his hands then found them full of a weeping vampire.

"Why did you not listen to me? I said cover my back and that meant to stay behind me, stupid git!" Spike blubbered into Xander neck. The young man closed his eyes and held Spike tight.

"That *thing* was holding a wooden spear-thingy and was about to skewer you with it, couldn't let him." He laid his head down on the now quiet, listening vampire. "Would do it again."

Spike sniffled and pulled away but still held onto Xander's hand. "If anything would prove to me you're the real thing that would". He yanked Xander back into his embrace. "I missed you. Don't bloody do that to me again." Xander didn't say anything. He just tightened his embrace and the two hugged for a while before they parted.

"It's been a long time since we hugged like couple o' nancy boys."

Xander laughed. "Yeah, tell me about it."

"No you tell me," Spike said firmly. "I want to know what happened; why you're here. Not that I'm complainin' or anything just coz I've had this dream before, though without trying to break the wall with my head bit among other things" he babbled..

Xander, who was happy about that, asked, "And what part of this did you dream about?"

"Uh, the part where you're *alive* and forgive me for not telling you about my." Spike stopped staring with uncertainty at Xander ~ can I tell him...~

"That you have a soul?" Spike looked at him shocked "Well it did hurt a bit to find out you knew but didn't tell me." Spike lowered his head shamefully. "But I could understand how hard it was. I can't say I'm that very much *alive* but I can say I forgave you coz that *is* what I did five seconds after I found out the truth."

"That long, huh?" Spike smiled and Xander returned it. "Well yah you did hurt my feelings." They both laughed truly, something neither had done for quite some time.

"So what are you now? Don't smell human to me; come to think of it don't smell like much."

"Yah, well have a few hours?"

Spike looked at his wristwatch free hand, then looked at Xander with a tilted head. "I have eternity."

He noticed frowning that Xander was a bit taller than he used to be, lowering his gaze he observed Xander's feet ..floating?

"So do I."

  ******

Spike, William the Bloody, one fourth of the Scourge of Europe had had many surprises in his unlife, which were nowhere close to this one right here. His one friend -who was supposed to be dead- is standing in front of him claiming that he is some kind of immortal!

"What?"

"I have eternity, just like yours." Xander sighed as he saw the vampire sulking.

"What's wrong?"

Spike sighed, "Well look, it's like a book, see. There is the beginning, middle with all the juicy details and the end. You're only telling the end. I want it all"

"So, you what everything then?" Spike crossed his arms.

"Fine" Xander relented. "After I got a chest full of claws," Xander noticed Spike flinch at that. "Which by the way didn't hurt that much" Spike knew he was lying about the pain but was grateful for the effort.

**Flash back**

. Xander turned to Spike with a huge smile...

.he saw the last demon advance on Spike from behind.

.he jumped and pushed Spike out of the way.

...Pain, sharp pain ~ have to get away! ~...

  ."Hey man stop fighting already" an unfamiliar accented voice roused him.

  **End flash back**

"So I was dyingthere and." Xander started the story then he noticed Spike's remorse filled face. "And strangely, as I said, there wasn't much pain. Anyway, I felt myself floating up, when I someone pulled at me. Things went black for a while when I noticed that I was trashing around and a man's voice waking me up.

"He said that he was some sort of guide or messenger of some kind from the Powers That Be. He said that they had their 'eyes' on you." Spike raised his scarredeyebrow.

"It seems they believed you have it in you to do good, you know a warrior like Angel." Spike scoffed at that, Xander ignored him. "A vampire with a soul. They intended to give you a seer." Xander raised his hand, "and that would be me, or would have if I haven't died."

Spike held his hand up like a student. Xander snickered, "Yes, Spike?"

"Well, teach. If they're all seeing and all knowing how did they not know that you're going to. you know die!"

Xander nodded his head, "an excellent question, Spike. One I asked myself. And if my friend up there is right it appears like they only care about the balance between good and evil, death is someone else's job."

"So what happened next?"

"Well as I was saying, they wanted you to have a seer like Angel and I was just what the doctor ordered. The catch is I died. So they gave me this choice, I could be a somewhat guide and guardian, only appearing when called, you know wanted or when someone thinks of me."

"Obviously you took the first choice but what was the other?"

"I die completely and go to heaven and they find someone else. He told me that they say that I could take my time. So after a month I chose. By the way Buffy and Joyce say hi." Xander became quiet.

"Bloody hell!" Spike exclaimed after a few minutes.

Xander nodded his head eagerly, "Yeah I know, I said the same thing."

"You did not!"

"Yes I did!" insisted Xander.

"*You* said 'bloody hell'?!" Spike asked, not believing.

"Oh yeah I did. That's when I actually realized how much time I must've spent hanging out with you"

Spike began to chuckle, which turned into a full-hearted laugh when Xander joined in. "Laughing *is* contagious" he said like he'd just got that, then looked at Spike. "And what was that about anyway?"

Taking deep unneeded breaths and finally composing himself, Spike replied, "Just wondering what the 'you of two years ago' would think about that."

Xander sat up letting that sink in when it did he lost it again. "God!" he said between giggles. "I would've thought I was possessed, again." He made a face remembering his hyena time in high school.

"So let me get this straight," Spike interrupted Xander's trip down memory lain. "The PTB - the same that sent visions to legs- 'recruited' *you* to guide *me*"

"Um, well the thing is, they seem to think that I can 'work with you'" he said, cocking his fingers, "I think they saw how well we got along or something."

"But why me?" Spike said exasperated still not sure.

"I told you, they wanted another warrior like Angel. That'll be you bleach wonder"

Spike scowled. "So I'm like the poof now! And you're.what did you say you are?"

"A guardian/guide."

"OK I got the guide thing. You guide me and tell me when people are in trouble so I can gallivant there and help 'em out." When Xander nodded he continued, "I can do that, I'm bored out of my scull here. But how about that guardian bit you guard me from what?"

"Well that's the tricky part. I don't guard, I aid emotionally in a way and it's not only you."

"So it's a full time job. How does it work?"

  "I can appear to anyone who wants *me* and help them by talking to them and comforting them. It was the thing that made me the heart or.at least that what they said." a frustrated Xander said. ~ Darn! I knew I forgot to ask about something ~

Spike nodded in understanding. "Alright then, I am a warrior fighting for the puppies everywhere. Sadly not the Big Bad anymore" he said it in mocking sadness.

Xander also nodded. "Yep, your BB days are gone for good." The look on Spike's face made him laugh his ass off; obviously the vamp didn't like the nickname.

"Don't you call me that, you pillock." Then he had that evil glint in his eyes that gave Xander goose bumps. "That's funny coming from you GG," he grinned when he saw Xander's look.

"You wouldn't dare."

  "What? It didn't bother you when you were watching the movie."

Xander growled, but Spike was not impressed. "So, I'm like Angel only he has a seer and I have a GG," smirking at Xander's grimace. "What's the difference?"

Xander was still a bit miffed but he answered. "Well, I don't know what your next mission's gonna be. I'm up there, I see what happens and whenever you want information you call me and I'll come a hoppin'"

"Couldn't you stay here?" Spike asked hopefully.

"No" Xander answered sadly. "Can't."

"Why not?"

"Spike, I'm dead."

"So am I."

"Well, you're a vampire; you have a body. I'm just Xander's soul, I'm here to help, if someone calls me I'll be there. And when I'm not wanted any more I disappear"

Spike's eyes widened. "What?" Spike said standing up and pacing not believing. "You mean, what I see now in front of me is not your body, it's just your soul?" He said eyeing Xander's form that looked very much like a solid body but remembered that his feet weren't touching the ground a while back.

"Yep" Xander said, smiling sadly. He stood up and put a hand on the vamp's shoulder to stop him. He seemed to read Spike's thoughts as he answered. "I'm not a living creature, Spike. I don't need to eat and I don't need to sleep I'm just here to help."

Spike shook Xander's hand off his shoulder, looking at him wide-eyed. "Why the hell would you chose to be something like that?" he snarled.

Xander felt annoyed with what Spike said, but hid it well under the calm mask he wore. "I watched you from heaven, Spike. I watched the way they treated you, the way you were blaming yourself over my death, the way you were suffering from the soul without anyone noticing." He said with glassy eyes, "It was what made me choose this; I couldn't let you suffer anymore. When I became a guardian guide, your relationship with Fred and Lorne was getting stronger. I felt so happy when they found out about your soul. I just wished you'd talk to me or call me so I'd appear, I hated the feeling of helplessness while watching you cry or being sad and I couldn't  be there for you, wanting desperately for you to call me. Sometimes I thought you'd forgotten me when you got yourself some new friends."

As tears slid down his face, he touched Spike's arm lightly. "I thanked God every day that you had a soul because that's the only way I could touch you."

"The only way?" the blond asked confused.

Xander nodded. "When I touch you, I don't touch your body, I touch your soul because I am only a soul."

Spike faltered. "Y. you mean. you."

"I can't touch the table, I go through the floor" he said as he lowered himself so only his upper body could be seen, before rising again. "I can't bring you a glass of water, the only thing I can touch is souls."

"Wait. wait a minute, when I wanted to hug you earlier I went through you. Why is that?"

"Because I didn't corporeal myself, my form becomes untouchable by itself."

"You mean there is no way to kill you. No one can harm you?" Spike began to relax realizing that his friend is at least safe.

"Nope" Xander said simply.

Spike's eyebrows knotted in concentration. Emotions spread over the vampire's face, thinking how his friend could do this to himself, how could he sacrifice the heaven he deserved for this.

~ The stupid git, must've not thought about the future, of course he didn't. ~

"You idiot." He hissed angrily.

"What?" the immortal soul didn't hear Spike.

"You idiot," Spike growled. "Don't you realize what you've done? You're goin' to be a live forever."

"Um . yeah, I realized that."

"But you don't get it" Spike spat. "By forever I mean really forever, you're not like me and Angel, both of us are goin' to die one day and you'll be all alone. No one is gonna call you by then, coz nobody will remember you. You'll be just up there watching people suffer and can't do anything to help." He realized that he was yelling harshly, but couldn't stop. "Why would you do such a bloody stupid thing, Xander? Why?"

"I just . I thought I was h .helping you." the young soul stuttered.

 ~ Wasn't I helping? ~

"How the *hell* would you help me if I died one day, huh? You'd be no help for me or anyone if." he shut his mouth fast as he noticed the form in front of him was shaking violently. The soul's eyes were at the ground desperately trying not to break into tears.

He approached Xander and took him in his arms, holding him tightly. He shouldn't have yelled at him like that. Making him feel that his attempt to help was useless, he should know better. The boy hadn't thought of the consequences, he just accepted what the Powers offered him in order to help him, and that was pure Xander. He'd done this for *him*. And Spike repays that, by growling at him! He was about to say something when the soft voice spoke. "I'm sorry."

"No." he said firmly as he drew back looking at the sad brown eyes.

"Don't you ever apologize, ok? I'm the one who should, for reacting that way. I'm so happy to see you again, this is the best thing that ever happened to me in the last two months. I felt a little angry coz I was worried 'bout what would happen to you later, that's all."

The vampire started thinking. {Which is in its self a bad sign!} "Maybe there's a way to find out exactly what would happen."

An idea popped in his head. "Oi, why didn't I think of that sooner?" Spike said, then dragged a surprised Xander out of the room.

******

"I think you should've told Angel that you're going out, Spike." Xander told Spike as the two of them were walking down the L.A. streets. The young soul was trying his best to move his feet on the surface of the pavement, pretending to walk so any passersby won't freak out.

Spike snorted. "He's my sire, he should've sensed me leaving." His tone became bitter. "He doesn't care that's all."

Xander sighed. "He cares, Spike. He's just working so hard he can't think straight."

"How do you know that?"

"I told you, I was watching everything from up there." He nodded at the sky.

The vampire just shrugged. "Still, he should've noticed." The words were spoken softly; Xander knew they weren't about Angel not noticing Spike exiting the hotel.

He tried to choose his words carefully. "Spike, Angel cares about you a lot, if anyone would know that it'd be me. I've seen how he kissed you and."

"You saw that?" Spike stopped abruptly.

"Yah, and the fight the next day." He approached Spike without moving his feet; he didn't care if anyone noticed. "And most importantly I saw how he treated the situation, how he only wanted to know how to make it right."

"I don't care," Spike snapped. "He should've known, should've noticed. He's my bloody sire for fuck's sake."

"Spike, he."

"Why are you defending him? Last I knew you hated his guts."

"And I still do," Xander nodded. "But I'll never make the same mistake I did with Buffy. I acted like a complete jerk and she was madly in love with him. I'd never do that to you too, I know you're in."

"'m not" Spike snapped cutting him off. Suddenly they noticed people passing by and looking at them strangely. Spike fixed his duster, as the people went on their way, and then looked at Xander whose color lightened a bit. "What's happenin' to you?"

"Um . when I feel uncomfortable I become a little . gauzy." The now transparent boy fidgeted.

Spike smirked. "You mean now that you're a soul, instead of blushing people can see through you?" Xander lightened again and Spike chuckled.

Xander was about to talk, when Spike began. "Look Xan, can we not talk about 'him' now?" he pleaded. Xander heaved a sigh and nodded.

They continued to walk when Xander asked. "Where are we going anyway?"

"Caritas! A karaoke bar that Lorne owns." Spike said.

"You mean that nightclub you sang in!" Xander exclaimed.

Spike's eyes widened, "You saw that?!" he shrieked.

"Of course I did, oh man I can't believe you sang a song by the Backstreet Boys!" Xander sniggered remembering the way the black guy made fun of Spike while the vamp fumed with fury.

Spike raised his scared eyebrow. "You know mate, it's not like you dislike that boy band. You have all their CDs."

"Um, it's still our little secret, right?" The young immortal fluttered.

"Yeah, it is." The blond chuckled. "Now let's get goin'."

Spike's eyes widened in alarm; he saw a fist going through Xander. They turned to see the confused look on the vampire that tried to punch Xander. Then another vampire sauntered towards them, "Spike, William the Bloody. I'm sure you recognize me."

"Uh . no"

"What? You don't know me?" the minion hollered.

"Can't say I do." Spike shook his head.

"Well, too bad 'cause you're gonna pay for what you did."

"Oh, really!"

"Spike!" Xander hissed as he looked at the numbers of vampires that surrounded them. "We better leave."

"Why? We can take 'em," Spike said not taking his eyes from the stupid minion that threatened him.

"Actually, we can't. I can't touch them." Xander reminded him.

"Fuck!"

That's when the vampires attacked. The bad thing was that they were secluded; no one was in sight. All in all Spike held his ground as the vampires threw themselves at him but he beat the shit out of them until there was this strange zing and Spike fell while a vampire holding a tazer stood over him. The vampires started lugging at Spike, and poor Xander couldn't do a thing to stop them.

Some of the vampires tried to beat the soul, but when they realized their fists weren't touching him they left him alone. Xander for his part tried to pull Spike out of the bunch and fly away with him in his arms, but the vampires were stronger than he was. They grappled his friend powerfully so he  didn't have the chance to help him.

They dragged the beaten but still conscious vampire to an abandoned factory near the docks. They threw him at the wall then wrapped cuffs around his wrists and attached him to the wall. The souled blond was at a partial seated position, his wounds still bleeding and he was about to pass out.

The enraged vampires began taunting and kicking at Spike. Xander raced to his side and held his friend with all he has as if he was protecting him from the vampires' fists.

It didn't work though; the kicks were passing Xander to land on Spike's flesh. "Please, stop it, please." pleading was all Xander could do now, ~ I'm a big help! ~ he thought in bitter sarcasm.

The fledglings ignored the pleading ghost. And continued their thrashing of the traitorous vampire.

Spike felt Xander holding him, trying desperately to protect him. Yet, he was feeling the harsh kicks going through his friend's warm body. It was a strange feeling. He could hear Xander's voice ringing, "Spike, hold still, tell me what to do. I . I can't touch the cuffs, what should I do Spike? No Spike, no, don't pass out."

Xander was slightly vanishing. "Please Spike, don't pass out. If you do, I'll disappear. Tell me what to do, please." But Spike couldn't hold it together. He was deeply hurt and wanted to rest. He  could see Xander talking but couldn't make out a word. As Spike was drifting away, Xander's form and voice were becoming faint. When Spike lost awareness, Xander completely disappeared.

******

"What was that all about?" The vampire that challenged Spike asked after Xander vanished.

"I don't know but I think that guy was a ghost." Another vampire replied.

"Whatever." The first vamp scowled, then turned his attention to the bleeding Spike. "The important thing is that we got what we want."

"Shouldn't we take him to the Mistress?" Another vampire asked anxious.

"Not now."

"But she said as soon as we get him we have to bring him to he."

"We'll do that, after I torture him a little. You know how he was killing our kind in Sunnydale, he almost killed me, he has to pay." He smirked at the unconscious blond vampire. "I wonder what century old vamp blood tastes like?"

~Part: 20~

Angel squinted his eyes; he must've read this page five times and yet he still couldn't retain anything from it. Grunting he placed the paper back in its file and ran his fingers over his eyes. He couldn't stop thinking about Spike for the last two hours. He snorted, realizing he never stopped thinking about him since the incident back in Sunnydale. He deposited his worn-out head on his folded arms and attempted to figure out what to do, and maybe his thoughts would give him a break and let him catch a wink of sleep. However, he had no such luck. He was invaded by visions of the night before. Spike nearly being killed in the same place Xander had. Angel had never known such fear as the fear he felt for his childe that night. He only wished for a chance to understand his boy, to speak with him, but he knew too well that the only person who could connect that way with him was a dead Xander.

"Xander what would you do if you were in my place?"

Angel couldn't believe that he'd actually said that out loud. He buried his head deeper in his arms, wallowing in the fact that someone who had been gone two months could still touch his childe that way. He began to drift away with that thought clouding his mind.

"ANGEL!"

Angel jumped quickly, startled by the scream causing the desk to tip over, in turn causing every single one of the papers to fly all over the office. The tall vampire stood there gaping at the yelling brunette.

"Trying to catch flies, are we?"

Angel snapped his mouth shut with a clack. He tried to make sense of what is happening.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Xander!"

"No that's impossible!" Angel began to rant, something he's beginning to perfect since Spike started living here. "I stopped Spike from turning you. Actually even if I didn't it wouldn't have worked seeing as your heart had already stopped and everyone knows you can't turn the dead." Angel gasped realizing something and pointed an accusing finger at a shocked Xander, who was still reeling from the Angel rant, "You're the First!"

Xander closed his eyes and then opened them, Angel was still standing there, "I'm the first, what?!"

"The First Evil, do you think you can fool me!"

"I'm not."

"Oh! You can't play me again," Angel said while he approached Xander menacingly, "I'll find your Bringers and I'll destroy you myself!"

Xander was getting angry; each minute they wasted Spike was closer to being dusted.

"Dead boy, chill! I'm not the First I'm Xander. I don't give a damn if you choose to go crazy again and try to kill yourself. But could you please do that *after* you save Spike?"

Angel was about to retort when Spike's name hit him.

"Spike's in danger?"

"Yah! That' what I was."

Angel picked his coat from the hanger roughly causing it to fall; he paid it no attention as he started to the door. "Take me there".

******

Angel was running as fast as his vampire legs could take him as he followed *Xander*. Xander didn't pay any attention to Angel's car when they left the hotel as he *flew* towards the docks, feet barely above the ground. As they reached the warehouse, the now ground level Xander turned to Angel.

"What's the plan?"

  Angel headed towards the door, "I kill them," he said behind he back. He barged in and his game face appeared the second he saw his tortured childe. With a roar, Angel quickly dusted the fledglings and as their leader tried to escape, he suddenly found the enraged master vampire in front of him with his hand in his chest. With a chilling smile on his handsome face, Angel roughly yanked the vampire's heart out.

The second Angel entered, Xander was at Spike's side, trying to wake him. He began shaking Spike's shoulders. "Wake up, Spike. C'mon fangless open your eyes!" Xander was getting worried; Spike must've lost a lot of blood if the puncture wounds meant anything. He tried to touch the chains but his hand only went through them.

He was startled when Angel came out of nowhere and broke the chains with a simple twist of his wrist.

Angel laid his unconscious childe on his lap. He remembered a time when he used to hold him this same way when he got into a fight, which meant *that* happened a lot. Darla used to say that William, or Spike as he started calling himself at that time, was only doing that to get attention from his sire. Perhaps that was the case but Angelus never minded a chance to hold his beautiful boy. Needless to say, this did not make Darla happy. He snapped himself out of the recollection and turned his attention to the precious bundle that he held. His game face never receded. He bit into his forearm and placed the bleeding limb in front of Spike's mouth. Nothing happened.

Xander was sitting on his heels, wondering what Angel was going to do next but not daring to say a word until he saw him lowering his fangs towards his friend's neck. He stood up yelling.

"Hey! What are you doing, he's lost enough blood as it is!"

Angel only growled at him for interrupting and turned his back away, with a comatose Spike still in his arms.

Xander looked down at the turned back and tried to place his hand on Angel's shoulder, to turn him around and make him explain what he was doing. Suddenly he noticed his out stretched arm going transparent. He looked up with sadness shining in his eyes and disappeared.

******

Angel knew what he was doing. The only way for him to force Spike to feed is to reopen the Sire/Childe Connection, at least from his part. And to do that, he needed to drink from Spike's blood and force him from there to drink his.

He slowly lowered his head emitting an angry growl when he noticed the several fresh bites marking his boy's perfect skin. He carefully bit down, moaning when he tasted his child's sweet blood.

~ So long! Too long! ~

As he began to drink, he scratched open a gash on his neck and lifted Spike's head. He urged him throughthe now open bond to drink. He grinned with his fangs still in Spike's neck when he felt the suction begin. The bond slowly opened up from Spike's side. Angel gasped as he withdrew his fangs from the still feeding younger vampire's neck. He felt Spike's pain, yes, that came with the now fully open link. But he sensed something more; he sensed Spike's soul.

All of a sudden all the things that happened, that Spike had said before made sense. The way Spike looked at him so many times expecting something then eyes filling with betrayal, now had meaning.

Angel gasped as he felt himself growing weaker; he'd forgotten that Spike was still feeding from him. He reluctantly drew the whimpering vampire away. Sky clear blue eyes stared back at him, full lips parted.

One word was whispered, "Sire." Then he passed out. That was Angel's undoing. He began crying and kissing his childe's face. Angel assumed that after what he had done, or more correctly hadn't done, Spike would stop thinking of him as his sire. He kissed his eyelids, his nose, repeatedly saying how sorry he was, and would Spike forgive him for not knowing. Though he should not because Angel knew he deserved whatever Spike had to say.

He composed himself enough to take off his coat and drape it around Spike. He then picked him up and took him back to his hotel.

******

In his room, Angel laid the younger vampire gently down on his bed. He reached for the blanket then thought a little before bringing more blankets, and then laid them over Spike. The brunet drew the blankets closer, noting the still healing wounds, and tucked them around the blond. He then brought a chair and sat down next to the bed.

Watching the sleeping vampire, Angel's hand  moved to Spike's hair, stroking gently on the less gelled blond curls. He loved that feeling of his childe's hair, all soft and smooth. He wished his childe would never slick them.

~ My childe? Huh, I don't deserve to call him mine. I was never a good sire and I think I'll never be ~ he thought bitterly while his hand wandered through the soft curls.

He screwed up again. And to think he was going to be careful this time. When will he ever do the right thing? Is he destined to hurt his boy every time? He promised himself he wouldn't. He promised himself the moment his childe went through his door with the dead body in his hands. The moment he saw the scared look in his tearful eyes, the moment he asked for his help in small pleading words.

He promised himself to take care of his childe the moment the Scoobies abandoned him. He remembered the sight of the younger vampire in the car feeling hurt and unwanted, blaming himself for his friend's death. ~ Oh yeah, Xander was here ~ Xander appeared to him hours ago, warning him about the danger Spike was in.

~ Heh? How can Xander come when he's dead? ~ It doesn't matter. The important thing is that Xander is much better at taking care of Spike than him even when he's *dead*.~You are better than I am at this, Xander. I'm sure you knew about Spike's soul all along~

"Angel."

He heard the quiet voice behind him and felt the warm hand resting on his shoulder. Turning his head slowly, he met the calm face of Xander Harris.

"Xander!"

"Shhh" Xander hissed placing a finger over his mouth. "Let's go somewhere else, ok?" He said eyeing the sleeping Spike. Angel turned towards his childe, and nodded quickly. "Yeah, let's go."

He stood up and followed Xander. His eyes widened as Xander went through the wall. He had no idea what Xander was now; it confused him that he couldn't sense anything from the boy. ~ A ghost maybe? ~

Going outside, he closed the door slowly behind him. He saw Xander going through the wall to Spike's room. He followed.

Inside the room, the two stared at each other for a while. Angel closed his eyes taking an unneeded breath, before opening them and shooting Xander a grim look. "Ok, I'm not sure what you are, or why you are here. The important thing is I know that you're Spike's friend and I want to ask you this." He was trying so hard to hold still, to stay calm but his voice was slightly trembling. "When . when did." God, what's wrong with him? Can't he finish the question with out breaking down?

"I dunno," Xander answered quietly. "I think it was always there, but somehow it was released before I died. According to Giles, Spike started having nightmares sometime before."

~ Oh yeah, the nightmares ~ Angel remembered. ~ He was always having nightmares and I thought they were about Xander, boy was I wrong~ Why didn't he sense it? Why didn't he notice? He was there. He experienced this. He has a soul himself for God's sake, smelling it, feeling it, and knowing it's there for a hundred years. Yet, he couldn't with his childe! What kind of a sire was he?

"Did you . did you know about it?" He asked without looking at Xander.

"No." He heard the sad answer. "He didn't tell me, he thought that he'll lose my friendship if he did."

~Xander didn't know, well he's not any better than me now he is! ~   ~Xander wasn't a vampire, you idiot. How the hell would he know about it? Stop thinking like a child! And for God's sake stop talking to yourself! ~ Angel grimaced.

"Angel?" He raised his eyes to meet Xander's strict ones. "Now that you know. I want you to take good care of Spike. I want you to tell him your true feelings, show him that you care about him, and act like a real sire."

Angel scowled. He knew that Xander was right, but he didn't need a stupid kid to tell him what to do. He knew what was wrong now and he was going to fix it. He knows how to treat his own childe. "I know how to take care of my childe." He growled.

Xander raised his eyebrows. "Oh, really."

"I don't need this shit from you," Angel said turning his back to leave.

"Angel."

Angel turned angrily, snapping. "What?"

Xander stood calmly. "If you need any help, call my name, ok?"

Angel stared at him for a moment. "I remember that you hate me, did that change?"

Xander snorted. "Yeah right, like that's gonna happen. No, I just don't want to see my friend in any harm, that's all."

Angel felt hurt. He never cared what Xander thought of him, but for someone to think he wasn't capable of taking care of his own childe hurt like hell. Even if that someone was Xander Harris. He was trying the best he could, but with Wolfram and Hart, Cordy's visions and Wesley's prophesies, it made things so hard. However, it was no excuse for not knowing about Spike's soul.

"Go away, Xander" He whispered turning to the door, hearing the sigh behind him and the soft, "Angel ."

"Go away, Xander." He snapped harshly, opening the door.

"Doyle says hi."

He turned quickly towards Xander to find no one in the room. Xander disappeared. ~ He said if I want him I have to call him ~ But he couldn't, not now even though, Angel was so eager to hear about his long lost friend and what Xander had to say about him. He knew he had to make Spike the center of his attention right now. He had to act like a real sire.

He went to his room and stood beside his bed. Staring at his sleeping childe, he brushed the curls from the porcelain forehead whispering softly. "I promise I'll never let you down, I promise I will always take care of you, I promise I will act like a real sire." A single tear slid down his cheek, watching the beautiful face. "I promise I will *never* break my promises ever again, I swear."

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