Feedback: Please. Be gentle: this is my first fic
Archive: None
Pairing: Spike/Angel
Spoilers: Spike is chipped; Angel is Spike's sire; No Fred or Connor; Buffy did not die
Rating: R
Summary: Spike is bitten by a demon in Sunnydale and has turned into a female vampire. Angel takes her to LA after she is raped.
Warning: Transgender fic, mentions of rape
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. They belong to Joss Whedon, ME, WB, UPN, etc.
**Please read the fic "Changes" before this story**
Many thanks to Ghostsforge for beta help and answering numerous technical questions.
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~Part: 1~
The car ride was silent. The only noise Angel heard were the sounds of cars passing from the opposite direction. Angel turned his head to the right to gaze at the slumbering blonde female vampire in the passenger seat. The bruising that had covered her face was nearly gone. As the moonlight illuminated her pale visage, Spike appeared angelic. 'She is so beautiful' Angel thought. She appeared so innocent and pure. He only hoped he had the ability and strength to help her heal from her brutal attack. Angel vowed that he would never allow any harm to befall his Childe again.
Spike stirred slightly as she slept. Angel worried that another nightmare was imminent. Thankfully, she settled. He reached over and gently stroked her face.
As Angel pulled into the Hyperion, he felt his nerves building. He hoped his friends would be able to accept Spike. She was loved in Sunnydale; she had changed. Cordelia, Gunn, Wesley, and Lorne would need to realise that Spike was his priority now. He had not placed Spike first in many years and it was time he remedied his poor choices.
As Angel walked to the passenger side, he hoped Spike would awaken. He wanted her to meet everyone immediately. But the combination of being warm, cleansed, and fed caused the female vampire to sleep deeply.
He cradled her in his arms as he walked towards the entrance of the Hyperion. He could sense his friends waiting in the lobby. As he entered, his four friends immediately stood up. They were shocked as their eyes fell upon the tiny figure Angel held in his arms. He motioned for them to remain quiet. "Let me put her to bed," he quietly informed his friends, "I'll be back down."
Angel ascended the grand staircase to his quarters. He slowly opened the door and proceeded to gently place Spike on top of his king-size bed. He wrapped a blanket around her little body and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll be downstairs, Spike." Angel whispered. He worried that she may awaken while he was gone. He reached for a pen and paper in the nightstand and wrote a small note in his elegant handwriting.
You are in my room Spike. I am downstairs. Love, Angel.
With that, Angel left the lights on as he exited the room. When he returned to the lobby, he slowly approached his friends sitting on the couch.
"How is she, Angel? Cordelia asked sincerely.
"Pretty bruised, battered, and tired." Angel replied as he sank down onto the couch. He was so exhausted at this point. He had not slept or fed in over a day. His brown eyes were weary.
"She doesn't look like no 'William the Bloody' to me, man." Gunn attempted to lighten the mood.
"That little Blondie-bear has been through the ringer. Isn't that right, Angel-cakes?" Lorne added.
"More than you know, guys." Angel sighed as he spoke.
"Mr. Giles was kind enough to phone me prior to your arrival, Angel." Wesley spoke. "He informed me of the gender change at the hand of a MoyaMoya Demon bite. He wondered if we have some references to aid with his research. He sounded very concerned about Spike's welfare."
"Giles and Spike have a close relationship. In fact, Spike has changed immensely since he was last here." Angel turned to his friends and proceeded to inform them of the events in Spike's life over the last few years. He discussed the chip and the subsequent friendships formed with the Slayer and the Scoobies. "She has been through a lot over the last few days." Angel did not reveal the details of her rape. "She was beaten and is very traumatised. She is sensitive to new people and places. So, please be patient with her. She is my Childe and she is very important to me. I have wronged Spike in many ways in the last century and I intend to make amends." Angel's eyes burned with conviction as he spoke.
"We trust your judgement, Angel." Cordelia patted his shoulder and smiled. Angel was relieved after the conversation. Spike would not heal in Los Angeles if the environment were not supportive.
"Thanks, guys. I appreciate your support." Angel smiled as he stood from the couches. "I better go back upstairs."
Despite the circumstances that brought Spike to Los Angeles, the thought of her being there warmed Angel's undead heart. He had not realised how much he missed his Childe. Angel was aware that Spike might harbour some resentment towards him. He knew that it would not be easy for Spike to accept him back in her life. Angel was willing to try. He would not disappoint his Childe again.
Angel quietly entered his bedroom. He changed into a white cotton T- shirt and blue silk pyjama bottoms. Angel slipped into bed behind Spike. He placed his arms around her tiny waist and pulled her back close to his chest. He savoured the fragrance of her freshly cleansed locks. He purred as he relished the feeling of her against his body. He cherished the idea of Spike in his bed again. The body may be different, but the essence of his Childe did not change. A smile appeared on Angel's face as he drifted into the most peaceful slumber he had experienced in years.
~Part: 2~
Spike awoke the next morning slowly, her weary blue eyes carefully surveying her environment. She felt her Sire's arms around her waist. She was still tired, but felt more refreshed than in recent days. The cloud of confusion that had muddled her brain appeared to have lifted. She realised she was in Angel's home. The scent of her Sire permeated the entire space. Although there was a sense of comfort being there, she felt uncomfortable being held by Angel. Spike grew nervous as she could feel Angel's erect member against her back. She felt him stir behind her as she attempted to remove herself from his arms.
"You're awake. How do you feel?"
"B-Better." Spike quietly responded in her raspy, high-pitched English accent. She attempted to move away from him.
"Are you hungry? There is fresh human blood downstairs."
"No, I'm not hungry."
Angel turned the female vampire towards him as he attempted to sit up in the bed. His brown eyes gazed down lovingly at Spike's blue orbs. "I don't want to rush you, Spike, but I know what happened in Sunnydale." As he spoke, Spike turned her head away and looked down at the bed. Angel adjusted his position and placed his hand under her chin to lift it up. She flinched as he touched her. Angel could sense her fear. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. They hurt you, Spike." His undead heart was breaking as he saw the despair in her face, unshed tears threatening to fall.
"Please, Angel...I don't want to talk about it." Spike pleaded with her Sire. She was not ready to face recent events.
"Why don't we go downstairs and feed?" Angel asked, desperate to change the subject.
"I'm fine...tired that's all." She had no desire to leave the room. She knew Angel had colleagues. His human pets as Spike called them in the past. She could not face strangers at this time. She did not want pity from them or worse yet, they may think she deserved the attack because she was William the Bloody. Her stomach twisted with fear. She turned away from Angel, curled into the foetal position, and buried herself in blankets. He reached out to touch her but withdrew his hand. Angel wanted to comfort her, but he sensed that now was not the time. He could not force her to immediately open up and discuss what had happened. Angel sighed. He was accustomed to dealing with the old Spike: incessant chatter and obnoxious witticisms in a loud cockney accent. Spike always pushed buttons with his words. Angel was concerned as he gazed upon the quiet, small figure in his bed. Angel wondered if her disposition was secondary to her trauma or to her gender change or both. Regardless, he was worried he would not be able to reach her.
Angel quickly showered, dressed, and descended the stairs to the lobby. The team of AI was already at work. Cordelia answered the phones, Gunn polished the weapons, and Wesley appeared to be in research mode.
"Hey guys, anything so far?" Angel he sauntered into to the kitchen. He removed a blood bag from the refrigerator, placed the contents into a black porcelain mug, and placed it in the microwave.
"Pretty quiet am so far." Cordelia replied as she placed the receiver down.
"Angel," Wesley interjected, "I am not finding a significant amount of information on the Demon, I am afraid. It is a fairly ancient species, a predator with an amazing capability of incapacitating its prey. I cannot find any reference to gender altering aspect of the venom as well. Perhaps Mr. Giles is correct in enlisting the help of the Council."
"Any information will help, Wes. Thanks." Angel stated with a small smile.
"So, how's your kid, Angel?" Gunn asked.
"Childe." Angel corrected.
"Same thing. Anyway, is she better today?"
"She rested well, at least for a few hours. Her bruises are healing. Thanks for asking." Angel replied as he entered his office and closed the door. He needed to sit in his chair and think for awhile.
After some time, Angel sensed the humans had left for a lunch break. Angel sighed in relief as he realised that he could now be truly alone with his thoughts. Suddenly he heard a light knock on his door.
"Angel, its Cordelia."
"Come in, Cordy."
"Hi." She peeked her head through. "Wes and Gunn went to lunch. I wanted to talk to you." Cordelia entered the office and proceeded to sit in the chair opposite Angel. "I have a feeling you glossed over some details about what really happened to Spike."
"I did." Angel was calm he sipped his blood. "Those details are private."
"I understand that, Angel. I mean, it's hard to see Spike as a victim, you know? After Sunnydale and the Marcus thing?" Cordelia looked directly at Angel. "But...I have a feeling Spike is going to need a female friend eventually, Angel. Isn't she one of the hopeless that we help? If Wes or Giles are unable to find a reversal spell, Spike is going to stay a woman, right? How is she going to adjust?"
Angel knew Cordelia was correct. All this time, he felt that if he could help Spike through the initial trauma, that eventually turning her back would be the next step. Angel honestly had not considered the possibility that she would remain a female indefinitely.
"Spike hasn't been able to talk about what happened, yet. After seeing the bruises and burns on her body, I knew something horrible occurred. I smelled human men all over her. She was raped brutally and by many. And because of the chip, she could not fight back." He looked up at Cordelia as he spoke. Cordelia gasped at Angel's confession. She could not comprehend something so horrific.
"She is less confused now." Angel continued. "But, she's distant and barely speaks. Even when I touch her innocently, she acts like I burn her." Angel voice rose in desperation, "I'm worried that I'll fail her...fail to protect her or help her."
Cordelia looked at her friend, unsure how to reassure him. "Don't worry, Angel. You'll be great. We'll all help." A warm smile emerged from the brunette.
"I appreciate it."
"I'm off to lunch, 'kay?" Cordelia turned and started walking out the door.
"Oh, Cordy!" Angel quickly stood up to catch her as a thought entered his mind. "I need a favour." He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a black leather wallet. He handed her a credit card. "Can you pick up some essentials for Spike? Clothes, undergarments, shampoo?"
"Sure, what size is she?" Cordelia chuckled as the tall, dark vampire stood there shrugging his shoulders. "Size is very important, Angel! Do you know how hard it is to find the right bra size?"
Angel nearly blushed as Cordelia mentioned buying bras for his Childe. "I have no idea her size, Cordy. You saw her. Can't you just figure it out?"
"As if, mister! You have a lot to learn about women. How much do you think she weighs?"
Angel paused for a moment. "I don't know, maybe 45 kilograms."
"Hello, we're in America! The New World! We don't use kilograms."
"Sorry." Angel apologised. "That's about 100 pounds." Angel was now slightly annoyed. "Just grab a few things to tide her over, okay? We'll find out exact sizes later." Cordelia turned to walk away. She was headed for the exit as Angel yelled, "Remember. No bright colours!"
~Part: 3~
Spike awoke slightly dazed later that day. By the shadows of light peeking through the drawn curtains, she surmised that it was late afternoon. It had been some time since she last fed, and now her hunger was overwhelming. She looked around the room and sensed she was alone. She had no choice but to venture downstairs. She calmly walked towards the door and gingerly opened it. She tiptoed to the top of the stairs, carefully observing the environment around her. She did not sense anyone, so she proceeded. Her thin hand grasped the handrail as she descended the long staircase.
"Angel?" She quietly spoke. "Angel?" Her voice increased. Spike attempted to squash the panic she was feeling. 'He wouldn't leave' Spike thought. As she reached the bottom of the stairs, she startled suddenly as the front door was thrown open. Wesley and Gunn strode through the doors laughing and talking. Spike stood there, eyes wide open, frozen in terror as she noted their heartbeats.
Gunn and Wesley were initially shocked as well to see the female vampire.
"Spike!" Gunn said smiling.
"O-Oh Spike!" Wesley added, "How nice to see you up." Wesley approached her, arm extending to shake her hand. A kind gesture normally, but not to the frightened vampire.
"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Spike screamed as she stumbled backwards avoiding the approaching humans. "Please!" She begged, as she crouched near the couches, fearful of what was to come.
From the other side of the room, Angel's office door swung open, the dark vampire appearing in full game face, growling. With his vampire speed, Angel was immediately at Spike's side.
"What did you do?" Angel hissed at the two humans, yellow eyes glaring, as he held the shivering, murmuring vampire. Wesley and Gunn were speechless. Their mouths hung open in disbelief as they attempted to comprehend what had transpired.
"Nothin', man. We just said hi. Wes tried to shake her hand."
"Y-Yes, Angel. That's all. We are sorry." Wesley added.
Realising his childe was not in danger, Angel's human face emerged. He whispered soothing words into Spike's ears and slowly she began to calm.
"What were you doing out of bed, Little One?" Angel's tone helped soothe the female vampire.
In her small voice she replied, "I was hungry." Angel smiled at her declaration.
"There is nothing to be afraid of. These are my friends." He motioned for Spike to look up. "This is Charles Gunn, but we call him Gunn." The handsome black man waved at the female vampire as Angel continued. "He's a vampire hunter. And this," Angel continued as he turned to his other friend, "is Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, a former watcher." Wesley nodded his head. Spike looked at the two humans and managed a smile. "Could one of you warm up some human blood?" Angel requested.
"Sure, Angel." Wesley responded. Both humans, feeling uncomfortable with the situation for the moment, went towards the kitchen.
Angel helped Spike to her feet, and led her to the couch.
"I'm sorry." Spike apologised. "I didn't know..."
"It's okay. Besides Cordelia, they are the only humans that work here."
"Where's the Irish bloke?"
"Doyle." Angel's face saddened. "He died two years ago."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I do have another friend. His name is Lorne or some people call him the Host. He's a good Demon. He owns a bar."
"Does everyone live here?"
"Yes, except Lorne."
Angel sensed Spike had settled because she started moving away from him. He allowed this because he wanted to give her some space. Gunn and Wesley returned with blood and handed the mug to Angel. They were careful not to establish any physical contact with the beautiful blonde vampire. Angel passed the mug to Spike and was pleased to discover she had the strength to feed herself. Angel felt pleasure as he watched her feed. It was obvious Spike had not had human blood in some time. She drank with her eyes closed; she savoured every morsel as if it was her last. She proceeded to lick her lips as she finished her meal. Angel watched transfixed as her soft pink tongue ran over her luscious lips. He could not help but be aroused by such an innocent gesture.
Feeling sated, Spike looked up and realised that the three men were watching her intently. She shifted uncomfortably but reassured herself that she was safe, at least for the time being.
"T-Thank you." Spike looked at the two humans shyly. "I'm sorry for earlier." She quickly stood up and not awaiting a reply, she began the journey back upstairs.
After the female vampire departed, Angel turned to his friends.
"We are sorry, Angel." Wesley again apologised.
"I know guys. I should have been more forthcoming about Spike's fear of humans, especially men." The dark vampire explained.
"Humans were the ones who beat her up?" Gunn was surprised.
"Yes." Angel stated plainly. He stood up to follow Spike upstairs.
"I would assume, Angel, that the behaviour modification chip in her brain prevents her from defending herself against any human attack?" Wesley postulated.
Angel turned to them again, sighed, and said, "Yes, Wes. Any kind of attack." The look in Angel's eyes conveyed the message. Wesley and Gunn were now able to fathom Spike's reaction towards them. Angel returned upstairs as Wesley and Gunn pondered the situation.
~Part: 4~
Spike was sitting in the corner of Angel's couch as he returned to the room. She was staring at the wall, knees drawn up, arms resting on top of her knees. Angel slowly walked up to her.
"I am sorry for what happened earlier, Spike." Angel sat down on the couch. Spike did not respond for a few minutes. The silence in the room was palpable and eerie.
Suddenly, in her small voice, she spoke, "Why am I here, Angel?" Her face conveyed no emotion, her voice monotone.
"What?" Angel was taken aback by the question.
"Why did you bring me here to LA? To live here?"
Angel knew his answer was of the utmost importance. He could not risk hurting her with his reply. He knew that eventually this question would arise. He felt that he would have more time. Spike was always perceptive and direct.
"I was here in LA," Angel began, "and I had a bad feeling. I went to Sunnydale, to Giles' house. We talked for some time and he took me to your crypt." Angel paused. "After I saw you, I thought the safest place would be for you here...in LA...with me. I was worried about you. You are my Childe." Angel realised he had hesitated as he spoke those words, afraid of the reaction they may evoke. There was no expression on her face for a time. Slowly, Spike bowed her head as a half grin emerged from her face.
"You were worried. About me." She calmly repeated Angel's words and chuckled. She continued to sit in silence for a moment and suddenly she turned to her Sire. "Bollocks, Angel!" Angel was surprised at the fervour in her voice. Despite the high pitched voice, her anger was evident. It was reminiscent of the Spike of old.
"How dare you, Angel!" Tears were now spilling out of her blue eyes, her voice cracking with emotion. "Why are you worried about me now? After all this time?" She stood to face her Sire. "Did you even know that I was in Sunnydale? DID YOU?" For the first time since Angel had rescued Spike, he saw a flash of yellow in her eyes. "Answer me!"
"No, I didn't." Angel whispered as he bowed his head in shame.
"Am I one of your projects then, Angel?"
"What?" Angel eyes wide in confusion. "No, never, not at all!" He emphatically stated. "I missed you. I know I've made some mistakes..."
"Some?" She interrupted. "So, am I on your checklist of things to do for your soul, then? Must be a long list, I guess, because it only took you one hundred years to get to me!" The female vampire was enraged at this point, pacing the room unable to keep still. "All those years, Angel, I waited for you to come back. I thought you were dead! I took care of Dru, for you!" Spike paused as she was sobbing uncontrollably.
She continued, "And in Sunnyhell? You were against me. I get it! You were all soul-having. But...when Angelus returned..." she paused as she noticed that Angel winced at the flood of memories from that time. "You weren't even him. The things you did to me, to Dru. Are you even sorry?"
"You know that I am!" Angel pleaded as tears rolled down his cheeks.
The female vampire was extremely upset. She was breathing and panting as she wiped her tears and brushed her long locks away from her thin, pale face. Angel did not try to interrupt her. She needed this release and Angel felt he deserved it.
"Where was your 'bad feeling' when I was chipped? They butchered me! You were there to help Buffy at Thanksgiving as I sat starving, tied to a chair in the Watcher's home! Where was your need to help and rescue your Childe then, Angel? You are a right bastard and you know it! Angelus or Angel, you're still a selfish git!"
Spike took in an unneeded breath. "You claim that you care because I am your CHILDE?" Angry blue eyes stared into remorseful brown eyes. "Where was your concern when..." Spike paused for a moment almost losing the strength to continue, "when six mortals raped me for hours... passing me around like a rag doll over and over again! Beating me, fucking me...leaving me to greet the sun unconscious!"
Suddenly with all her force, she attacked Angel with her fists, "I hate you, you bastard! I hate you!" Angel did not try to stop her; she needed to have an outlet to vent her anger and frustration. Her tears continued. She eventually lost her energy and crumpled to the floor away from Angel.
Angel did not know how to react. He wanted to offer comfort, but did not want to alienate her. He sat on the floor staring at her from a comfortable distance. He was torn on the inside. The depth of her feelings towards him was even more that he had imagined. He had no idea how he could even begin to repair the damage he had inflicted.
They sat in silence for an eternity. Suddenly Spike's small voice pierced the quiet; her head bowed speaking to the ground. She had no strength left. Her voice, but a whisper. "The tragedy of it all is that I'll always love you. Rather pathetic, it is. You murdered me, gave me new life, hurt me time and time again, and abandoned me. But, I always loved you even if I hated you. It's always about you, Sire. Whether it's Angel or Angelus. I'm in LA because you decided that is where I should be."
Angel started to speak, but Spike continued. "I don't want to discuss this anymore. I'm bloody tired." Spike's attitude had changed from extreme anger to an odd form of acceptance. She had no expression to her, almost as if conceding defeat. "If you could direct me to another room, I think I'd like to sleep some more."
Angel had no words. As he wiped away his tears, he simply nodded. He led Spike to the left, three doors down from his room. She nodded her head and proceeded to close the door behind her, leaving Angel standing in the hall alone.
~Part: 5~
Angel sat at his desk mindlessly rustling through some papers. He tried to work but all he could focus on was his suffering Childe. He was so deep in thought that he did not hear Cordelia calling his name.
"ANGEL!" The dark vampire's head shot up as he finally acknowledged the presence of his brunette friend. "Earth to Angel!" Cordelia exclaimed. "You were in deep brood mode there."
"I was just thinking."
"Think about this! I got Spike some awesome stuff at the mall." Cordelia lifted the numerous bags in the air. "I can't wait to show her. Where is she?" She did not receive an answer. "That was not a rhetorical question, Angel."
"W-What? Did you say something?" Angel snapped back to reality.
"Okay, what gives?" Cordelia grabbed a seat. "What happened?"
Angel sighed, "I really fucked up." Cordelia's mouth hung wide open as she realised that Angel cursed. It must be serious.
"Spike freaked out when she ran into Gunn and Wes. She calmed down eventually. When we were upstairs, she asked me why she was in LA."
"What did you tell her?" Cordelia inquired.
"I told her the truth. That she was my Childe and I wanted to help her. And that I missed her." Angel dropped his head into his hands. He then looked up and continued, "It's hard for you guys to understand the intensity of vampire relationships. The Sire/Childe bond is very powerful, all consuming. I abused that relationship. I failed on so many levels. To hear Spike's words and the emotions behind them is almost unbearable." Angel looked desperate.
"Did you try to explain?"
"At that point, I couldn't even talk. Every word from her mouth pierced my soul. As Angelus, I loved him as much as my Demon could love. He was my obsession. I manipulated his feelings for my own pleasure. And now, with my soul, I never even acknowledged him. I was a coward after I was cursed. I was scared and I turned my back on possibly the one person who may have accepted me. My William was always more human in his affections than Demon."
Cordelia stared as the dark vampire revealed a part of his past. Angel refrained from discussing most details of his life or unlife. She felt honoured that her friend would share his regrets with her. She grieved for him and for Spike.
"The hurt she feels," Angel continued, "I don't think we can overcome it. Maybe I was selfish in bringing her to LA. Maybe I should take her back to Sunnydale."
"Is that what she wants?"
"She didn't say. After our conversation, she went into another room. She was so sad, Cordy. So defeated. I played a large role in that. I don't think she can ever forgive me...I don't think I can ever forgive myself.
"Give her time, Angel. She is adjusting to a lot." Cordelia hesitated before she continued. "Is it okay if I bring her these things?"
"Um, sure...Room 208." Angel's tone was flat, detached.
"Thanks." Cordelia offered a warm smile to the depressed vampire and made her way up the stairs. She found herself feeling a bit skittish as she walked down the dark hallway towards Spike's room. The last time she was face to face with Spike had been when he tortured Angel over the gem. Now he was a she and Cordelia was shopping for her. She chuckled slightly over how much life can change.
She strode to the door and placed all the bags in one hand. She knocked gently. "Spike?" She asked softly. "Spike, it's Cordelia. Can I come in?" An eternity passed as she waited. She was preparing to retreat, when suddenly the door opened slightly. She saw two blue eyes peering at her. "Er, Hi Spike." Cordelia felt nervous speaking to her. She mustered the courage to continue. "Well, I brought you some stuff...like, some new clothes, underwear; stuff like that. I also included some stuff that doesn't fit me anymore. You are thinner than I am, so I thought they might fit. That is, um, if you wanted them." She finally stopped babbling and smiled her warm, bright Cordelia smile.
Spike eyed her initially suspiciously but eventually was slightly amused with her chatter. She opened the door fully and invited her in. Cordelia walked over to the bed and placed the bags on the comforter. She proceeded to unpack the bags and place items in piles. Spike stood back amazed that Cordelia felt comfortable around her.
"Um, thanks...Cordelia."
"Don't thank me yet, Blondie. I'm just happy there's another female around here now. By the way, the oversized sweat pants look has so got to go!" Cordelia exclaimed.
Spike smiled back and giggled. She started to survey the contents on the bed. She noticed T-shirts, pants, jeans, some other tops, and SKIRTS? At least she was happy there were no bright pastels. There were also bottles of shampoo, conditioner and other things that Spike did not recognise. Suddenly Spike's eyes fell upon undergarments. She slowly picked up a white lace bra and declared, "Bugger this! I'm not wearing one of these things!"
"Well, Spike, you can't go around wearing thick sweatshirts all the time. Besides, your body temp is pretty chilly, so you'll need to wear a bra! Don't worry, I'll teach you how to put them on."
Spike's initial amusement suddenly took a turn. She gently let the lace fall from her hands as she sat down on the bed. "I can't do this..." she quietly whispered.
Cordelia gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "You're not alone, Spike. I'll help. We all will."
Spike looked up at her and saw genuine concern. "Thanks...for the clothes. For you know..." Spike lowered her head.
"If you ever need to talk, about anything, I'm here. That's what we girls do. Well, I better leave you alone. Are you going to be okay?" Spike nodded yes. "I'll come back tomorrow and help you with some of that girly stuff. See ya!"
With that, Cordelia departed. Spike closed the door behind her with a sigh and smile.
~Part: 6~
Angel slowly rose from his bed after a restless night of sleep and walked towards the shower. He stood under scalding hot water for a time allowing the heat to relax his tall, tense frame. He then dressed in dark pants and a black cashmere sweater and proceeded downstairs to eat breakfast with his Angel Investigations family.
As Angel arrived in the kitchen, he smiled at Gunn and Wes as they prepared the morning meal. They talked of nothing in particular, but Angel simply sat back and enjoyed the morning ritual. As he drank some pig's blood, he replayed his conversation with Spike in his mind. He wondered if Spike would even venture out of her room that morning.
Spike struggled in the shower as she attempted to wash her shoulder length honey blonde locks. She growled in frustration as the fruity scented shampoo ran into her eyes obscuring her vision of the directions on the plastic bottle. There was a time when Spike washed Drusilla's hair, so she wondered how this task was so difficult to perform. She cursed a few times and then she heard a faint knock on the door. She stepped from the shower, wrapped herself in a large towel, and walked to the door. She did not sense her Sire, so she decided to open it.
"Having trouble with the hair?" Cordelia asked as she looked upon the sopping wet Spike.
"It's bloody harder than it looks, pet!" Spike wiped water out of her eyes and sighed.
"Here, let me help." Cordelia led Spike over to a chair. The brunette rummaged through some of the bottles and accessories she purchased the day before. She towel dried Spike's hair and then squeezed some perfumed gel into her hands and rubbed it into the vampire's hair. She combed through Spike's hair and managed to tame the wild locks.
"Ta da! Too bad you don't have a reflection, because you look good!"
Spike reached her hand up to touch her hair. "So," Cordelia continued, "what do you want to wear?
As the three men sat at the table, Wesley spoke as he was sipping his morning cup of Earl Grey. "I continued some research overnight, Angel. There is very little information. If Mr. Giles' contact at the Council fails, there may be someone I know who could offer some assistance. The Council, as you know, will not willingly help a Demon, especially a vampire."
"I am aware of that."
"So, did Spike do okay last night?" Gunn asked.
"She was better when I got upstairs, but then we had a fight."
"'Bout what, man?"
"It's long and complicated. Suffice it to say, it will take a long time to repair the relationship." Angel spoke quietly.
"Sorry, Angel."
"It's okay." Angel answered while sipping his blood.
Cordelia and Spike descended the stairs en route to the kitchen. Spike was nervous as she left the sanctuary of her room. She was unsure how she felt seeing Angel at this time. Despite her trepidation, she felt comforted by Cordelia's presence. Spike had enjoyed the process of choosing clothes with Cordelia. She relished the feeling of clean clothes. Cordelia had predicted her size well. The undergarments felt slightly constricting; but, oddly, the lace felt delicate against her skin. She chuckled to herself as she realised she really was turning into a woman.
Cordelia walked into the kitchen ahead of Spike. Angel's eyes immediately fell upon the blonde vampire. She looked beautiful in a loose fitting white cotton long sleeved shirt and a pair of blue jeans. Her hair, freshly washed, was damp and hung freely while framing her face. Angel was speechless for a moment.
"Good morning." Wesley greeted the girls.
"Hey." Gunn followed.
Angel simply smiled as he looked at Spike. The gaze she received caused her to look to the floor. "Would you like some blood?" Angel asked nervously as he finally found his voice.
"Sure." Spike replied. The two women sat in the remaining seats.
"Cordy?"
"Just some coffee."
"Do you have any Weetabix?"
"Wheat-a-what?" Gunn was curious.
"Weetabix, Charles." Wesley explained. "It is a cereal of sorts. There is some in the cupboard." He kindly smiled at Spike.
"I guess it's nice to have a fellow Englishman, um, I mean English- person in the hotel." Spike shyly spoke.
"Indeed."
Spike doctored his warm human blood with the cereal, a sight rather disturbing to the others. No one spoke of it. They wanted her to feel comfortable around them.
The three humans left the kitchen soon after breakfast. They could sense some tension between Spike and Angel. The two vampires sat on opposite ends of the table avoiding each other's gaze.
"Spike," Angel broke the silence, "maybe I was wrong to bring you here. You're right. I can be selfish. But, I meant it when I said I missed you. I always have. I just did not acknowledge it to myself. I don't deserve a second chance, but I was hoping to get one." Angel paused, fearful of facing angry, disapproving blue eyes. "And it's not about being lonely. Friends who care about me surround me. But as much as I cherish them, they don't understand everything that I am. The Demon. The man. The hunger. The desire. I miss what we had. I know we can't recapture the past; after all, it was not always pleasant for you. I was hoping we could start anew."
Angel looked up at Spike. She sat watching Angel intently, with her face devoid of emotion.
"Saying I'm sorry can't erase everything." Angel stood and slowly walked towards the blonde vampire. He sat in the chair next to her but did not touch her. "I do love you and I always have. I guess I have a poor way of showing it. I loved you even more after my soul. But, I was a fool. I didn't think you would want me. So I stayed away. I felt remorse for taking your life and for the way I treated you. No matter what, I could have never killed you, even back in Sunnydale. I don't know..." Angel shook his head.
Spike sat in her chair; head slightly tilted gazing into Angel's eyes. Her voice trembled as she spoke, "I-I don't know how to believe you." She lowered her head as one solitary tear fell from her right eye. "I need time...to figure things out. I'm not sure if..."
"It's okay. We have time." Angel said with a small smile. "I won't push you. And if you want to go back to Sunnydale, I will take you."
Spike pushed back her chair and stood. She wiped her face and turned to leave the room. As she entered the lobby, Cordelia stopped her.
"And where are you going, Blondie?"
"Upstairs."
"To do what?"
"Sleep." Spike continued walking.
"Come on, Spike. You are not going to sleep. Why don't you stay here and help me...AAAAAAH!" Cordelia screamed as she clutched her head and fell to the floor. Gunn and Wesley immediately rushed to her side while Angel ran from the kitchen.
Spike looked on in shock. "W-What's wrong with her?" The stunned vampire started to panic.
As Wesley held Cordelia, Angel walked over to his frightened Childe. "Cordy is a seer. She is my connection to the Powers That Be."
"Who are they?"
"They send her visions of people that need to be saved." Angel explained.
Spike looked at Cordelia with concern as the brunette lay on the cold floor dazed. "Is she okay?" Spike's voice trembled.
"It takes her time to recover from the headaches, but she will be fine." Angel noticed Spike walk over and kneel next to Cordelia. She placed her hand on the brunette's shoulder to offer comfort. Angel smiled and thought how extraordinary his Childe was.
"I'm okay, guys, really." Cordelia moaned as Wesley and Gunn helped her up and led her to the couch. "There's a nasty looking Demon who appears to be down by the docks...killing some of the workers...it's really tall with brown scales and horns...EEK!"
"We'll start researching immediately." Wesley said as he and Gunn headed towards the bookshelf. Angel went to the kitchen and brought back some aspirin and water for Cordelia.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Angel was worried.
"I'll be fine." She answered after swallowing two aspirin. "Have fun slaying the Demon later. Spike, will you help me upstairs?"
"Sure." Spike looked at Angel for a moment and then helped Cordelia up from the couch and began the journey to her room.
~Part: 7~
Angel, Gunn, and Wesley spent the afternoon and early evening researching and training.
"I believe the Demon in the vision is a Schukar Demon. It is part amphibian-like creature. Only piercing the heart can kill it. Not even decapitation will do, it has regenerative powers." Wesley spoke as he read the ancient text.
"Should be easy with the three of us." Gunn added with a smile.
"Should be fun." Angel smirked as he walked towards the weapon cabinet. Suddenly he sensed his Childe descending the stairs. "There's fresh blood in the kitchen, Spike." Angel said before Spike reached the bottom of the stairs.
"When are we leaving?" Spike inquired.
"Gunn, Wes, and I are leaving in a few minutes." Angel firmly replied. Sensing an upcoming battle, Gunn and Wes looked at each other and proceeded to the courtyard to wait for Angel.
"Spike, you don't have the strength to fight right now. You're still weak and I can't risk anything happening to you."
"Maybe it'll be good for me to fight something." Spike looked directly into her Sire's eyes, challenging him.
"Soon, maybe. I'm not going to order you around. But, please, I cannot allow anything to happen to you. When the time comes, I know you will be valuable to the team." Angel explained.
Spike watched Angel closely. She appreciated his reasoning. For once, Angel did not play the Sire card and force his way. So, Spike nodded in agreement. "Okay." She simply stated.
Angel was surprised and slightly suspicious of her. Normally his Childe did not give in so easily. He was not going to push the issue.
Spike turned towards the kitchen to fix a snack. She spun around and said to Angel, "Be careful." She then continued on to the kitchen. Angel smiled and strolled out the door to join his friends.
Three hours later a bruised, fatigued, but victorious team returned. Angel slowly walked towards his room to take a shower. He was covered in blue Demon slime and blood. After scrubbing for an eternity, Angel practically crawled into his bed. Before turning out the light, he noticed a small note. He recognised the handwriting immediately.
'If I am to stay here, I need a TV, cable (or a dish), and a DVD player.
Spike
PS: Hope you killed the Demon.'
Angel chuckled and reached up to turn the light switch off.
~Part: 8~
Over the next month, the team at Angel Investigations fell into a comfortable routine. Spike had informed her Sunnydale friends that she would stay in LA for the time being. She integrated into the Fang Gang well. She helped with research often; the team found that she was very intelligent. Angel had not allowed her to fight yet, but Spike did not force the issue. He worried that she was still a little weak and traumatised to fight effectively.
Spike and Angel maintained a superficial, but civil relationship. The female vampire was not ready to advance beyond that.
Gunn and Angel were on the 4th floor of the hotel one afternoon in a series of rooms Angel had converted into a training room. They were engaged in a sword fight.
"All right, man! Uncle!" Gunn panted as he lowered his sword, sweat pouring from his brow.
"Good fight, Gunn." Angel wiped his face with a towel. He walked over to the corner to retrieve his T-shirt.
"See you later." Gunn walked out of the room.
As Angel turned towards the exit, he saw his Childe standing at the door. She was wearing a blue T-shirt that accentuated her curves coupled with light grey sweats. The azure colour magnified her striking blue eyes. Angel attempted to subtly shift his pants.
"Maybe I should start training," Spike said as she sauntered over towards Angel, "then maybe you wouldn't consider me a liability."
"I never called you a liability, Spike. I just don't want you to get hurt."
"I get it Angel. But I feel better, stronger. I'm a good fighter, and you know it. I'm still me, Angel. All you see is a helpless bird in front of you." Spike placed her hands on her hips and pouted.
"Fine." Angel relented under her searing gaze. She was adorable when she pouted. "To start with, we'll stretch and then work with the punching bag. But, that's all for now, okay?" Angel asked.
"Deal, mate!" Spike said enthusiastically with a smile. Angel could not help but enjoy the times when he could make her smile.
After an hour, Angel noticed Spike's fatigue. Her face was glistening with sweat and her shirt clung to her form. The dark vampire followed the trail of sweat traversing the defined cheekbones of his Childe. Angel's black sweats were starting to feel a bit constricting, so he felt the need to escape to his room to take a very cold shower. "Good, job, Spike. How do you feel?"
"Good, but tired. Thanks." She grinned at him, grabbed a towel, and left the room quickly.
Later that evening, as the group finished dinner, Cordelia looked at Spike and said, "Hey Blondie, I'm going to the mall to check out some sales, wanna come? It might be fun."
"Um, no thanks, pet. There's something on the telly I wanted to watch. I taped Passions earlier." Spike seemed uncomfortable and quickly departed and ran upstairs. Angel sensed her fear.
Cordelia turned to the group after the female vampire departed. "Am I the only who notices that she will not leave the hotel?"
"I think we've all noticed." Angel sighed. "I'm not sure what to do. She says she wants to start fighting Demons, but I don't think she would be able to leave. She's too scared."
"She has come far in a month, Angel." Wesley added. "Give her time."
The conversation was cut short by the phone ringing.
"Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless!" Cordelia responded.
"Hello, Cordelia. This is Rupert Giles." The voice on the line said.
"Giles! What a surprise!" Angel looked up immediately.
"I was hoping to talk with Spike." Giles continued.
"Sure, let me get her." Cordelia motioned for Gunn or Wesley to retrieve Spike.
"Is Angel available?" Giles inquired.
"Sure, just a sec." Cordelia handed the phone to Angel.
"Rupert." Angel said with some trepidation. He knew he was being insecure and immature but he felt threatened by Spike and Giles' relationship.
"Hello, Angel. How is she?"
"Improving. She is still a little weak but we've started training. Everything okay in Sunnydale?"
"Yes, quite." The ex-watcher responded. "I am calling to inform her that I am returning to England. The children here are all taken care of. It is time for me to go. Plus, I may be able to find more information on the MoyaMoya Demon once back in England. Unfortunately, my research here has been fruitless."
"When do you leave?"
"Tomorrow."
"Oh." Angel worried how Spike might handle this information. "Well, take care, Rupert."
"Thank you. And Angel? She has been through enough. I don't want to see her get hurt. She deserves to be happy."
"Yes, I agree." Angel watched his Childe descend the stairs with a look of uncertainty on her face. "It's Giles." He calmly informed Spike as he handed her the phone. The group left the lobby to give Spike privacy.
"G-Giles?" Spike asked with wonderment.
"Hello, Spike. How are you?"
"I'm okay. Is anything wrong? Do you need me to come back?"
"No, I-I just wanted to make sure things were satisfactory for you in Los Angeles. The group does miss you here."
"I miss them too."
Giles hesitated for a moment. "I-I wanted to tell you that I am moving back to England, indefinitely."
Spike eyes were wide with surprise and sparkled with threatening tears. "Why?"
"I believe it is time for me to go. Buffy is capable. The others are doing well." Giles quietly answered.
"B-But, they need you."
"They will be fine, Spike. And so will you. You have been on an extraordinary journey the last few years. You have improved yourself. I am very proud of you."
"You mean it?" She softly asked. Her eyes glistened.
"Of, course. I want you to take your time. If you are to stay in Los Angeles, make sure it is what you want. Take care of yourself."
"Okay." The blonde vampire responded.
"I should go now." Giles was deeply saddened. It was not in his nature to show too much emotion. Giles paused before he spoke. "Whenever you need me, please call. I will forward a letter with my new address upon my arrival. And I will not use that bloody email!" Giles chuckled slightly. "I want you to know that I care deeply for you."
"I love you too, Giles." Spike's tone was just above a whisper. She quietly hung up the receiver. She was sad but relished the fact that someone cared for her. She smiled as she made her way back to her room.
~Part: 9~
It was an early evening at the Hyperion. Angel, Wesley, Cordelia, and Gunn congregated in the lobby. They were discussing a plan to take Spike out of the hotel for the night. She had been there nearly two months. She continued to train and research but she had not ventured outside the building.
Upstairs, Spike was uncomfortable with the silence, so she decided to find Cordelia and ask her to watch a movie. As she descended the stairs, she noticed the four were dressed up. "Where are you guys going?"
"WE are going to Caritas, Lorne's bar." Angel walked towards his Childe.
"Come on, Spike." Cordelia encouraged her vampire friend. "Let's go get you dressed; it'll be fun!"
"No, really, I'm okay. Have fun." Spike started to back away.
Angel placed his hands gently on her arms. "Spike, Lorne's place is a safe haven for Demons. There is no violence allowed. No one can hurt you there. We will all be there." He looked at his friends.
"Angel..." Spike eyes revealed despair and fear. She started to shake and pant.
"Spike, honey, you have to go outside. It's not healthy." Angel slowly placed a hand on her cheek and wiped away her tears. "I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."
"I-It's a Demon bar?" Spike searched Angel's brown eyes for reassurance as her breathing slowed.
"Yes."
The blonde vampire nodded and followed Cordelia upstairs. They returned thirty minutes later. Spike looked amazing in black jeans, a black fitted top, and black sandals that gave her a little height. Angel could not keep his eyes off her as she walked down the stairs. He had to suppress a small chuckle as Spike tripped a bit in her shoes.
"Bloody hell, Cordy! I'll never be able to walk in these blasted things!" Spike laughed as she and Cordelia walked into the lobby.
Angel walked behind Spike as the group walked towards the door. He heard her gasp as they stepped outside. Angel gave her a reassuring squeeze of the hand before reaching the car.
Spike sat in front seat next to Angel. Cordelia was seated beside her and Gunn and Wes were in the back. Spike's breast occasionally grazed Angel's arm and this innocent touch drove the dark vampire crazy. He was sure Spike could smell his arousal. If she did, she ignored it.
Angel could sense the younger vampire's nerves as they pulled into the parking lot. As they exited the car, Spike stayed close to her Sire. As if by reflex only, she grabbed his hand with her tiny one. Angel was pleased that he could make her feel safer.
As they descended the stairs, Lorne immediately recognised his friends and waltzed towards them. "Well, if it isn't the infamous Fang Gang themselves! Oh and here's the cute little addition. How are you Blondie-bear?"
"Fine." Spike responded quietly as she stood behind Angel.
"Well, I reserved the finest table in the house!" Lorne motioned for them to follow him.
As they walked towards the table, Spike's eyes wandered around the room. He could sense Demons in club. On the stage, under the lights, was a Texidor Demon singing a horrible rendition of the theme song to 'Titanic'.
"A Demon karaoke bar?" Spike turned to Cordelia and asked.
"Yep! It's a lot of fun! You should hear Angel sing." She grinned.
The five friends sat at the centre table with a perfect view of the stage. They ordered drinks and settled into a nice night of bad singing and conversation.
Later, Lorne came up to the table. "Well, Blondie-bear, ready to belt out a song? Even our little Angel-cakes has graced the stage. Up for the challenge?"
"No, thanks," she answered shyly and returned to her Cosmopolitan. She could not believe she was drinking such a girly concoction. But, she liked it.
"Go on Spike!" Wesley said.
"Come on!" Gunn encouraged.
"It'll be fun, Spike!" Cordelia added.
Angel kept quiet. He turned to her and said quietly. "You don't have to." Angel did not want to hold any secrets from her. He knew how she felt about magic and spells so he informed her, "If you sing, Lorne will be able to read you." Spike immediately got up from the table and headed for the exit. Angel gently grabbed her arm as caught up with her. "Honey, maybe we will be able to find something out about your change. What it means..."
"Is that why you brought me here?" Spike, for a moment, felt trapped and betrayed.
"That's not the only reason. I knew this would be the one place you could feel safe outside the hotel. No one can hurt you here. Lorne is a good Demon. He has helped us countless times. Trust him."
"I don't like anyone in my head, Angel. Not after the chip..." Spike's voice was desperate as her head hung low.
"I'll take you home right now, if that's what you want. Okay?"
Spike did not know why she should trust her Sire. But, after gazing in his powerful eyes, she felt that he was telling the truth and she would not get hurt.
She walked towards the stage and Lorne directed her to the playbook.
After a few minutes, Lorne took the stage. "Ladies and gentle creatures. Coming to the stage in her first performance is the gorgeous vampire known as Spike! Please give her a warm Caritas welcome!"
Spike slowly walked to the microphone. Her nerves were running amok. The brilliant lights obscured the faces in the crowd. As her eyes adjusted, she focused on Angel's beautiful face. She cleared her throat and grasped the microphone so hard that her knuckles were white.
Angel and Cordelia expected a rock or punk tune, after all that's the music Spike listened to before.
Spike spoke quietly, "Um, this is a song called 'Goodbye to You'.
'Of all the things I believed in...'
No one knew what to expect when she started to sing. Her voice was angelic. The crowd was mesmerised from the start. Any chatter that was occurring stopped as all eyes fell upon the magnificent presence on the Caritas stage.
'I just want to get it over with Tears form behind my eyes, but I do not cry Counting the days that pass me by'
'I've been searching deep down in my soul Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old Feels like I'm starting all over again The last three years were just pretend. And I said...'
Spike's eyes were closed and her head bowed as she sang. Her hips swayed to the beat of the music.
'Goodbye to you Goodbye to everything that I knew You were the one I loved The one thing that I tried to hold onto'
As she gained confidence on the stage, she looked up to face the crowd.
'I still get lost in your eyes And it seems that I can't live a day without you Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away To a place where I am blinded by the light, but it's not right!'
Angel sat at the table, his eyes transfixed upon his Childe.
'Goodbye to you Goodbye to everything that I knew You were the one I loved The one thing that I tried to hold onto'
The crowd faded into the background. The only vision Spike saw was the face of her Sire. The person she loved. But, sometimes love is not always enough.
'It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time I want what's yours and I want what's mine'
Spike's beautiful blue eyes stared directly into her sire's dark eyes.
'I want you, but I'm not giving in this time!'
Angel's undead heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces.
'Goodbye to you Goodbye to everything that I knew You were the one I loved The one thing that I tried to hold onto! The one thing that I tried to hold onto!
And when the stars fall I will lie awake You're my shooting star.'
Tears fell from the blonde vampire's eyes as she released the microphone. As if awakening from a trance, she suddenly felt self- conscious on the stage. She looked at the crowd and immediately ran off the stage and located the exit at the back of the club.
Cordelia, Gunn, and Wesley sat at the table and exchanged looks as they tried to read the face of the dark vampire. No one spoke. Lorne walked up to the table and spoke, "Wow, Angel-cakes! You're little Childe made me dizzy!"
Suddenly, Angel stood up. "Where's Spike?" His voice was strong and full of authority as he scanned the room. "Guys, find her. I need to talk to Lorne." It was not a request. The three humans immediately departed.
"Well, Sweetie!" Lorne laughed nervously. "Channelling a bit of Angelus, eh?" His hand shook while sipping his apple green martini.
"Lorne." Angel hissed. "What did you see?"
"Shouldn't we wait for the blonde one?"
"Lorne! What. Did. You. See?"
"Okay, okay!" Lorne said. "Your little one is a very complex creature, as you know. The PTB have great plans for her. She's like you, Angel: on a road of redemption."
"Is she going to get her soul back?" Angel eyes filled with confusion.
"Back? Why Angel-bear, Spike never lost it completely. It's been dormant for years held captive by the Demon. But, since the chip, things have changed."
"Spike was always more human than Demon." Angel added quietly as he processed the information.
"She must redeem herself for her acts, as you do, Angel."
"What are the Powers planning?"
"Who knows? I just report what they want me to see."
"And her gender change?"
"The Powers have a plan, Pumpkin pie! Trust it!" Lorne then smiled and returned to his patrons. Angel stood there dumbfounded by his revelations.
As Angel walked back to the table, he noticed that the group was back and Spike was with them. He breathed a sigh of relief. Spike could not look at Angel as he returned. Angel gently pulled her aside. "What happened Spike? Why did you run off? It was a beautiful song. I understand...I really do..." his smile warmed her.
The younger vampire looked up at her Sire and saw caring and understanding. She returned the smile and walked out to the car with the group to drive home.