Parts: 21 - 22
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~Part: 21~
Angel stood from the couch and stared at Buffy in utter disbelief. "Buffy?" He said in a confused, hurt voice. As the Slayer looked away, Angel's anger started to build. He walked closer to her. "You knew?" He paused. "After all I just said, you knew that Spike was here and you were not going to say anything?" His eyes flashed yellow. "If the boy hadn't come through that door..." He trailed off to calm himself down.
"Angel..." She said quietly, not wanting to invoke a more rabid response from the upset vampire.
"What gives you the right, Buffy? And after the way you treated him..." Angel's eyes squinted.
"WHOA!" The Slayer yelled and practically adopted a fighting stance. "Hold it right there, Angel. I think you are way out of line here." She placed her hands on her hips. "First of all, last time I checked in on you two, you HATED his guts! Or do I need to remind you how you warned me to stay away from Spike right before the big Battle?" She angrily brushed a lock away from her face. "Secondly, Spike has been here for SIX months. He didn't WANT to be found." Her voice lowered when she spoke again with a bit of venom in her voice. "And thirdly, Angel. I wouldn't throw stones if I were you." She paused as she watched him practically collapse onto the sofa. She stared at the distraught vampire until he spoke. Her anger dissipated.
"I'm sorry, Buffy. I was out of line." He looked up at his former love with tear filled eyes. "How did you find Spike?"
"Well, I didn't as much find him, as run into him." She laughed at the memory. "About six months ago, I went on patrol with a few of the new Slayers. We were cleaning out a standard vamps nest and I heard some commotion in the crypt. Next thing I knew, Spike was standing there dusting a few fledges." She shook her head. "I thought I was seeing a ghost at first! When I realized he was real, I started balling like a baby." She looked directly at Angel. "I'm sure Spike gave you the highlights of our 'relationship.' " Angel nodded. "Yeah, I'm not proud of all of it, but I do care for him. I never gave him a chance." She paused as she collected her thoughts. "When I met you Angel, you were good. The vampire with a Soul, atoning for his sins. On the other hand, Spike was always trying to kill me when we first met. So when he claimed to have been reformed, how could I believe that he could love me without a Soul? But, I think we both know that we are all capable of loving and hurting people with a Soul." Buffy paused as they both pondered that statement. "But, he stayed. He never wavered and he fought for what he believed in. I admire him so much. I wasn't lying when I told him that I loved him. But, I think he and I both know that we are not meant to be."
"You keep saying, he. Did Spike tell you what happened in LA?"
Buffy nodded. "Yeah, he told me about his gender change. By the time I ran into him, he was back to his male self. After Spike took the job here at the Council, we had a lot of time to catch up on things. We eventually worked through the hurt we caused each other. But, I knew something else was bugging him." Buffy sat beside Angel and sighed. "Spike is still Spike, but..." She paused.
"What wrong with him, Buffy?" Angel asked with concern.
"He's quieter than before. I mean, he still has his Spike-esque moments, but there is a sadness about him. It took him a few months, but Spike told me everything about LA." Her eyes saddened. "And not just LA, Angel, but from the beginning." Angel looked away. "He has been through so much and he accepts what he has done in his past; the accountability he has for his sins. He knows that he will work for his redemption, but may have to suffer for it." She placed her hand on his cool one. "As do you, Angel." She managed a smile. "He especially told me about you and what you have meant to him, Angel. He is devastated by your actions. He has asked me not to let you know where he is. I pleaded with him. I thought if you could talk, you could work out the issues."
A lone tear traversed Angel's cheek. He whispered, "Please, Buffy. I have to see him. I never got a chance to explain." His chocolate brown pleaded with her. "Even if he can't forgive me, I need to see him. One more time."
Buffy watched as her heart broke for her former lover. "I'll go see if he'll talk to you, okay?" She stood. "Why don't you wait here." Before she left the room, she turned back to Angel. "Where are you staying?"
"Around." Angel answered quietly.
"Well, we have plenty of rooms and we could always use another trainer for the girls." She smiled. "Think about it. I'm going to go talk to Spike."
*
Buffy walked slowly to the gymnasium to find Spike. As she stepped towards the entrance, suddenly the door flew open. A myriad of Slayers walked out. Many of them were giggling. "He's sooo cute!" She heard a few of them say. Buffy rolled her eyes and chuckled at the girls. Once they departed, she found Spike replacing the weapons they had used for training.
"Hi, Spike." Buffy said as she waved at her friend.
"Slayer." He answered with a nod as he closed one of the weapons chest. "Was' up, luv? You just missed the session." Spike smiled as he turned to her.
"Um, nothing. Just wanted to see how you were." She forced a smile on her face as her nerves increased.
"Okay." Spike cocked his eyebrow a bit as he noted the odd behavior of Buffy. He shook it off momentarily. "'M supposed to meet your Boy tonight for drinks. Did he say where?"
"Well, maybe that's not such a good idea." Buffy replied as she bit her lip. Spike noticed this gesture. He knew Buffy only did that when she was nervous...or hiding something.
Spike stepped closer to her. "What's goin' on Sla...." Spike abruptly stopped when he smelled the air. He stood in place as his eyes widened. He was silent for a time. Buffy was taken aback by the painful emotions upon his face. He spoke quietly. "He's here." He whispered with a slight tremble to his voice. "How did he find me?"
Buffy was biting her lip again. "W-Well, he didn't exactly know you were here. He called me to come say hello and..."
"And you let him?!" Spike's eyes flirted with a yellow hue. "Jesus, Buffy!" He threw his hands in the air and started pacing. "How could you?" Spike's heart started to ache at the betrayal of his former lover.
"Spike, calm down! I wasn't going to say anything, but Andrew barged in and spilled the beans." She crossed her arms. "Anyway, you knew this would happen sooner than later. You know how persistent Angel can be!" She was practically shouting to Spike who had turned his back towards her. Her voice softened as she walked over to the blond vampire and touched his shoulder. "Spike." She felt sadness for him when he turned around. He looked lost. "Angel is a mess, Spike. You really should go talk to him."
He snorted and crossed his arms in defiance. "Well, I'm glad the bastard is sufferin'. Doesn't mean I need to see him." Spike pouted as he continued to stand his ground.
"Remember how I told you that maybe you two should wrestle it out?" She squinted her eyes. "I could force you two, you know. I am strong and there are a hundred plus girls that would help me." She smirked evilly.
"That's blackmail, luv!" Spike said with shock. Buffy's empty threat almost made him smile. But that feeling was short-lived. He looked directly at her as his demeanor changed. He grabbed a cigarette from his pocket and shakily brought it to his mouth. After lighting it, he took a deliberately slow drag. He said quietly, "Don't know if I can face him again, Buffy. Not after everythin'..."
"Spike, whatever you decide, you need closure. You don't have to make any rash decisions. Just listen to what he has to say. Okay?"
After standing for a time in silence, he nodded his head.
"He's in my office." She said as she watched him slowly walk away. She started to laugh. 'When did I turn into a matchmaker for my two former boyfriends?' She thought to herself as she went to discuss a matter with Giles.
*
Spike slowly walked towards Buffy's office. His nerves were weighing heavily on him. He was not sure if he had the strength to face Angel. His hand rested on the doorknob for some time. He knew Angel could sense him, but that did not make it easier to take that all important first step. With a deep unneeded breath, he opened the door.
~Part: 22~
As the blond vampire walked into Buffy's office, Angel immediately stood. Spike was shocked by his Grandsire's appearance. He was much thinner than before, his hair was not gelled, and he looked older. Sadness emanated off him in waves.
"Will." Angel said quietly as he gazed upon his now male Grandchilde. He was still so beautiful. He looked the same except his hair was not slicked back. His locks were loose and somewhat curly and his big beautiful eyes shined brightly. Angel grew uncomfortable with the silence, so he continued to talk. "You look good." Spike had no expression on his face. "I've been looking for you." The blond vampire still did not respond for a time.
Spike eventually spoke. "Maybe I didn't want to be found." His face still was devoid of emotion. Inside, he was screaming.
"That's fair." Angel responded as they continued to gaze at each other. The dark vampire took a step closer to Spike.
"Don't." Spike said with a trembling voice as the facade he had created was starting to fail.
Angel sighed as he lowered his head for a moment. "I need to talk to you, Spike...explain some things...I know it can't necessarily make up for everything." He paused as he saw Spike mull over his comment. "Could I?" Spike nodded because he did not trust his voice.
Spike walked over to Buffy's desk and sat on it; he needed the support. His legs felt like jelly.
The dark vampire finally, after so long, had the opportunity to explain himself. Ironically, now, he did not know where to begin. His voice shook when he willed himself to commence. He ran a hand through his ungelled locks. "I went to Wolfram and Hart..." He abruptly stopped as he mentally kicked himself. "No, I need to start earlier. From the beginning." Angel said almost manically as he wrapped his arms around himself. Spike watched the display and wondered what had happened to Angel since he saw him last.
Angel turned to Spike. "When Dru made you, I was so angry." He chuckled bitterly. "I thought she went off and made herself the first idiot she ran into on the street." Angel saw Spike look away. "But, I soon saw the qualities that made her choose you: your grace and beauty was unparalleled. She unlocked a passion within you." He said quietly as Spike once again turned his eyes back upon him. His eyes appeared to water. "I wanted you so badly, Will. But, I had never been with a man before and well..." He trailed off.
Spike spoke, his voice rough with emotion. "Penn?" He said softly.
Angel shook his head. "It just wasn't done, at least not in our Family. But mostly, I couldn't because of Darla. She saw the attention I paid to you, and she was jealous. She could sense my arousal building every time you walked into a room." Angel seemed lost in his memories. "Many a night, she beat me for lavishing praise upon you." He said softly, the hint of his Irish brogue returning. "I don't think I understood what I felt for ya, and it made me angry." His eyes pleaded with Spike. "I took my frustrations out on you, Will." He shook his head. "Guess I do that a lot."
He sighed and continued. "Wolfram and Hart brought Darla back as human three years ago. I felt guilty for staking my Sire, so I tried to save her." He looked down. "But, I failed. They brought Drusilla and she sired Darla. " Spike's eyes were wide with that revelation, but he still said nothing. "They went on a killing spree through LA. I went crazy, Will. I did some things that are very regrettable." He closed his eyes at the memory of the lawyers in the wine cellar. "I wanted to punish Darla and Dru, so I set them on fire." He looked up at Spike at that moment.
The blond vampire sat up straighter. "Dru showed up in Sunnyhell with burn scars. That was you?" Spike hissed as he saw Angel nod his head.
"Eventually, I lost the will to fight. I alienated my friends and I could not stop Wolfram and Hart or the girls." He paused. "I wanted to lose my Soul, so I slept with Darla. But what happened with Buffy did not occur with Darla. My soul was safe." Angel could feel the tension rising from Spike. Angel knew how the blond felt about Darla. "She left after that. Things got better, but Darla showed up nine months later pregnant with our child." Again, Spike sat stunned.
"He had a Soul and it made Darla more human. She staked herself and Connor was born. I thought this was a reward. He was the most beautiful baby." Angel's voice choked as a tear slid down his cheek. "But, I should have known that my sins always follow me. Do you remember Holtz?" Spike nodded. "He somehow came to this dimension and manipulated a prophecy and my son was stolen by Wesley. He gave Connor to Holtz and they fled to a hell dimension. He was only a few weeks old." Angel had to stop as the memories of that time flooded through him.
Spike could feel the distress and sadness coming from Angel. He had a small urge to comfort him, but he refused to move.
"A few months later, Connor returned through a portal. He had grown to a young man of sixteen. He had survived such a harsh world and he hated me with every ounce of himself. Holtz had returned with him and eventually killed himself and made it look like I did it. Connor was so distraught that he locked me in a coffin and dumped me in the ocean. I was there for three months." Spike's eyes were wide as he realized what that would do to a vampire.
"Wesley saved me, but things only worsened. Connor was self-destructive and full of such hate." He paused. "While you in Sunnydale were fighting the First, we had our own Apocalypse with the Beast and his Master. They maneuvered and manipulated Cordelia and Connor. But, we prevailed. We had stopped a brainwashing Goddess and Wolfram and Hart came back into the picture and actually congratulated us for ending World Peace!" The absurdity of the situation hit him as he started to pace again. "They offered us the keys to the Palace. Why would I ever take it?" His voice quieted again. "H-He was going to kill himself and Cordelia. To save Connor, I took the deal with Wolfram and Hart. They gave him a new life, new memories, and wiped the memory of him from everyone."
Spike finally spoke. "Even your friends?" Angel nodded.
"I thought it was the only way. So, I made a deal with the devil and dragged my friends into it to save my son." He looked at Spike with tear filled eyes. "You should have seen him with his new family. He was happy, adjusted, and going to college. The deal gave him everything I couldn't." His voice became a whisper.
"There are always consequences to magic." Spike stated after some time. He had not moved any closer to Angel.
"I know..." Angel agreed with his head hung low. "I thought I could handle it. Fight from inside of the belly of the beast. Isn't that what you said?" He chuckled. "We were doing fine for a time, but I began to feel like I was getting swallowed whole. We were compromising our ethics and our mission for evil clients. And it was all my fault." He looked directly at Spike. "The only bright spot was you." Spike looked away.
"I dreamt that Cordelia came to me before she died. She told me that I was off track and she would help me find my way. I didn't understand what she meant at the time. After that, you changed into a woman and you were sick. I was so worried about you, Will. And after you improved, what we shared was so precious to me. I was so happy that if I could lose my Soul, I would have." He stopped when he saw Spike's cheek tremble.
The blond finally spoke. "Do you think that makes me feel good? You're such a bastard, Angel!" He began to pace. "The only reason why you were with me is because I reminded you of all your blond birds! So tell me, was I more like Buffy or Darla?"
"That's not true, Spike!" Angel implored. Spike snorted and turned away. "I've always cared for you..."
"Yeah, and the only time you showed it was when I was in the perfect, convenient package for you." His voice was full of venom. "Admit it, you loved looking like the big hero, swoopin' in and savin' the damsel in distress! Because let me tell ya, Angel, I'd been in trouble before and I didn't see you helpin' then! Just FUCKIN' admit it!! You care too much what those around you think. Can't have the mighty Angelus lookin' like a big homo, RIGHT?" His eyes burned yellow.
Angel stood there nearly speechless. "I-I..." He shook his head. "I don't know..."
Spike covered his face with his hands and rubbed roughly at his eyes to will the wetness threatening to fall away. His voice was quiet. "Why...then...why were you acting like you were? I thought it was me..."
Angel's eyes burned with conviction. "No, Will. Don't ever think that! It wasn't you." He paused. "One night while I asleep, I had a vision. I think it was a last message from Cordelia. It scared me so much, Spike. It foretold of a big Battle and...and..." Angel could barely continue. "It showed me the images of true evil; but, it also showed me that everyone around me would fall." He looked at Spike to see if he understood. "If I didn't get away from Wolfram and Hart, all my friends would die. Including you, Will. I couldn't risk it."
"I-I don't understand." Spike stated.
"I felt that I was being watched at all times. By Hamilton, by others. I wanted them to think I relished the role of CEO; I was trying to get close to bring them down a notch. And I was hoping to alienate all of you, so you would leave. I saw no other way to keep you all safe."
"You could have talked to us." Spike said with some anger in his voice.
"And what? I know you. You would have stayed on to help fight tooth and nail."
"Well, it would have at least been my choice. So, am I supposed to be happy that you treated me like shit for a such noble cause?!"
"I know I was an asshole. The more I played the role, the closer I got to try to bring them down. Sometimes I didn't know where it ended. I am so sorry how I treated you, Will."
"No, don't WILL me!" Spike fired back. "You did what you had to, right? Damned the consequences! You always do this, Angel. You choose the road to travel and drag everyone else behind you. You make the 'hard choice' for everyone, don't you? You think you're friends wouldn't have understood about Connor? Instead you dive in head first and make the choice for everyone around you! And you call me impulsive!!" Spike shook his head. "It's your way or the highway!" He breathed heavily to regain his composure. "What we do contains risk, Angel. We all know that." A few tears fell from his eyes. "If you loved me, you could have shared your burden with me. I thought I finally could trust you. You were everything to me...." He lowered his head. "I just wanted your love, Sire."
"I do love you, Spike!" Angel stepped closer to him.
"I don't know how to believe you anymore." The blond said sadly. The silence in the room was stifling.
Spike took a deep breath and looked up at Angel. His voice was cool and calm, very businesslike. "What happened at Wolfram and Hart then?"
Angel understood that their previous discussion was over for now. He hesitated and then replied. "I infiltrated a secret society called the 'Black Thorn.' They are vessels for the Senior Partners on earth. I was able to take a few of them down covertly. I pissed Wesley, Fred, and Lorne off so much by then that they had left. Gunn was still there and I had him pour over the contract that I had signed. He found a much hidden clause and we left the firm. That was six months ago."
Spike looked at Angel. Once again no expression on his face. "Where are the others?"
"Gunn retained his lawyer upgrade and is helping the less fortunate in LA now."
"Does he know?"
"Yes, towards the end, I told him everything. I knew he was my only shot to get us released from our contracts."
"The others?"
"I think Fred and Wes are traveling. Gunn told them what happened, but I haven't really talked to them. Lorne reopened his club, but we're not really talking either." Angel lowered his head. "I spent a few months in hiding, because I was not sure if the Senior Partners would simply accept us walking away. After that time, I started looking for you."
Spike said quietly as he ignored the last statement. "Your son?"
"When the contracts were voided, all the memories flooded back to everyone. I met briefly with Connor. Some hurt feelings we there, but he ultimately appreciated what I did for him. He is going to stay with his family...where he belongs."
"Well, guess everyone is safe as houses then, eh? Job well done." He nodded his head and turned towards the door.
Angel ran after him. "Spike wait!" He put his hand on the blond's shoulder.
Spike shoved Angel's hand off his arm. "Don't touch me!" Spike briefly morphed into game-face. "What did you think, Angel? That you'd show up and all would be well? You must think I'm stupid!"
"I don't, Spike."
"I've had enough of 'kick the Spike'. I won't do it again. How can I trust you? It may have all been a charade, but it still hurt." Spike's eyes watered. "I've loved you all my unlife. And for most of it, all you showed me was disdain and annoyance. Guess you threw me a crumb for a bit...but then what? You treated me like shit all over again."
"I know..." Angel felt so shamed.
"No, you don't know. You showed me shades of Crazy Angelus, and that scared me. How do I know it won't happen again? I can't risk that. I can't ever risk my heart with you again."
"I love you, Spike."
"What is your definition of love? Pain? Suffering? Heartache? I've done this too many times. I can't be love's bitch anymore. Not with you...not with anybody." Spike's voice choked.
"I know I don't deserve it, but I just want the chance to start over. Even if it's just as friends." Angel pleaded with his Grandchilde.
"You know as well as I do that we can never be friends. Or, don't you remember what I told you and Buffy." His eyes grew cold. "And I was right then, too."
Angel sighed. He knew his efforts were fruitless right now. "Buffy offered me a job here and a place to stay." He could not look Spike in the eye.
Spike snorted and chuckled bitterly. "Of course she did," he mumbled under his breath. "Do what you want, Angel. I ain't your keeper." And with a cold tone of voice he said, "Just stay the hell away from me." He turned and calmly walked out of the office.
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