Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Angel/Spike, others
Setting: My version how Spike made his journey to Africa and how he ended up in the School basement.
Warning: (m/m slash), rape, kissage
Disclaimer: If wishes were horse, they would be mine but as wishes don't happen to be horses, today they are not.
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~Part: 1~ Change of mind
The sea was rough playing with the freighter as if it was a tiny toy, throwing it around and more than once tipping it almost over. He kept himself hidden in one of the cargo rooms at the furthest end of the ship to stay undetected from anyone of the crew, which wasn't as easy as he had hoped for.
His stomach felt all empty and hollow because he didn't have anything to eat for at least a week and probably wasn't going to get anything anytime soon. The freighter he was on wouldn't enter a harbor for about another two weeks then hopefully he would be in Northern Africa from where he could make his way to the heart of Africa and into its jungle. Because of his hunger, he was feeling sick but that wasn't the only reason.
He was disgusted by himself and of what he had tried to do to Buffy. Rape. He had almost raped her. Buffy, the woman he said he loved with his whole dead heart. Yeah, a dead heart was all he could offer, nothing like Angel.
His Sire.
How he hated to think about him. All they had communicated on the last time was that he, Spike, was with Buffy, had sex with her like Angel never could and that had made his Sire go stir crazy on him. Even brought him to Sunnyhell one dark night, trying to beat the crap out of Spike and he had almost succeeded because his anger and frustration had made him even stronger than usual.
How would he react if he ever found out about the attempted rape? He would stake him most certainly and he would be right to do so. For the first time in his unlife, Spike really knew he had done something essentially wrong. What made him do what he was about to do was the sad truth that he couldn't feel it. He still didn't feel the guilt he was supposed to feel. Sure, he was confused and angry about his slip of control. The control over himself as well as the control he thought he was holding over the slayer and now he had to realize the complete loss of any of it. He was left with nothing but the knowledge that he had destroyed everything he had been able to build up between Buffy and her friends. He hoped that Dawn would never get to know the truth.
There was only one way to correct this mistake and that was the reason why he was on this ship, withheld himself to feed heading into total uncertainty as he didn't know where this would lead him.
Another wave smashed the ship to its side making his insides almost turn outside.
Only five days later when they realized he was on board. It took them two more to find him. Somehow, they knew that he wasn't a human being even though he kept his face straight while they were releasing their jammed up frustrations on him beating him up and as fate would like it, they raped him.
What irony, was all he could think, as a tall and quite handsome, dark-haired man that reminded him a great deal of Angel, fucked him dry just like his Sire would do. At the same time, another man made him suck his cock entering his mouth deeply, and slamming violently into his throat making him deep throat the massive piece of flesh until he thought he would suffocate despite not having to breath.
Most of the time, the dark-haired man who seemed to be the leader of this rat pack fucked him. During the day he was left to himself for a few hours and able to get some sleep, squeezed underneath a floor level bunk, naked and shivering, the blood and semen leaking from his torn hole. It stayed like that for the last few days on the ship until they finally reached Northern Africa. One last buggering from his captors and he was left alone, when the men on board left the ship to sleep their way through the female whores to feel all manly again, trying to forget they had their dicks in another male, even though a non-human one or maybe because of that very reason.
He slipped into his game face cutting the strong rope with his sharp fangs and then got his clothes back on hurrying to leave this place as fast as possible. He was making his way through the ship always scanning his surroundings for any kind of guards left behind. As he was reaching the gangway, he could make out a dark figure of the night watcher walking back and forth right before it. There was no other way, so he had no other chance than to take out this one, which would be all painful because of the chip still embedded in his head. He tried not to think of killing or hurting the human in front of him and waited for a chance to simply dart off by the man onto the gangway and off this damn ship.
A moment later, the guard stopped to light a cigarette but as the lighter didn't stay on it took some time. Spike took his chance with all the strength he had left, he jumped forward making a run towards the gangway but he hadn't expected the fast reaction of the other man who was on him in a wink of an eye making them both stumble and fall to ground.
Without wasting any thought on what would happen, Spike hit the dark figure on top of him with a strong upper cut, his fist meeting the man's chin with a crunching sound breaking the jaw. A shock of pain seared through his brain and he screamed in unison with the other guy. Without further checking, Spike struggled to get back on his feet and started running down the gangway vanishing into the crowd and never looking back.
Another long journey lay ahead of him as he was crouching into the deepest corner of the trunk of the old bus that was making its way further and further into the heart of Middle Africa. It was hot and he could barely move which made the usually hyperactive vampire nearly insane.
On the second night, he couldn't bear it any longer and when the bus came to a rocky halt, he crept out of his tight prison escaping into the darkness in front of him. He knew this was dangerous because if he couldn't find a hiding place before sunrise, he was going to be a pile of ashes in no time. That was making him follow the bus as soon as it took up its path. Come morning he would have to find a way to make the bus stop, so he could get back into the trunk but he needed this freedom being able to move around and working out his overpowering want of activity.
Moreover, it was the only way to escape the thoughts in his head for at least a few hours.
He stopped once during one of the following nights while trailing the bus feeding on a cow that seemed to have escaped from its respective owner and was now wasting away due to lack of feed and water.
Just before sunrise the bus would either hold at a small village or
was forced to stop by a loud clanging noise that continued until it came
to a total standstill.
He had to do it for a whole week.
Running.
Hiding.
Running.
Hiding.
At length he saw the mountains he needed to reach. The one mountain with the hidden caves that held his last chance of giving Buffy what she deserved.
Turning him back into who he used to be.
The next night he would be able to reach for it.... that something that would make him whole again.
"... We will return your soul!"
Pain.
Excruciating pain.
Bonds of metal around his chest.
Pictures in his head. Violent. Brutal. Bloodshed.
Worst of it all... the feelings.
Guilt.
Depression.
Sadness.
Anger.
Shame.
And again and again and again guilt.
Guilt about every evil thing he had ever done and that truly wasn't an inconsiderable amount as he had a life span of more than 120-something years to look back on. He had caused havoc, mayhem, chaos, torture - whatever you call it, he had done it. He had been the eager teacher's pet of the "Scourge of Europe" and had tried to get his Sire's attention by becoming a brutal murderer of innocence and purity.
Only he got himself all wined up with the satisfaction he got from the destruction he caused. He was a monster. A killer. A purely evil demon, unworthy to walk the earth and even the regaining of his soul couldn't change him back to a man of value, he knew that now.
He lost track of time as years passed before his eyes he could have been in those mountain caves for the same amount of time he wouldn't know and right now didn't care either. He was barely able to grasp the world around him and only his animalistic instincts of survival actually kept him alive.
Hiding from the sun during the day, he crouched into a small cave only leaving it for a short hunt during the night to keep a minimum level of strength. He knew he couldn't stay there forever. Somehow, he had to get back to his Sunny-Hell and make up to Buffy for what he had almost done to her, to help her for real because this time he knew it was the right thing to do.
His wounds were healing very slowly because of the lack of nutrition and he lost weight. Due to the voices in his head, he remained unable to get more than just one or two hours of sleep. It kept his psychosis alive feeding it and it was becoming more and more entwined with his newly regained soul producing startling hallucinations.
All kinds of people, those he had killed during his unlife and some, who had already been dead before then, visited him in his cave, were keeping him company on his hunts and reminding him constantly of his sins. Yet, the visits of Buffy and Angel were the worst. Buffy was asking him time after time why he did what he had done and Angel kept taunting him for what he had become telling him over and over again how worthless he was.
Yet, finally it was those hallucinations that guided him back to North American Continent, its west coast. He was far too gone by then to know how to handle things on his own or even find his way back home.
And they were leading him right back onto the Hellmouth of Sunnydale. The old opening beneath the basement of the new Sunnydale High School. The school that was supposed to open its doors to the students of Sunnydale once more after being rebuilt on the very ground where it first stood.
~Part: 2~ Return
She had been here. Had it been really her? He didn't know... it could have been the touching-but-not-touching Buffy. He wouldn't be able to say it even if his unlife depended upon it. She was beautiful as always, all soft clothing and fair blond hair. She didn't wear it open though like she usually did and it made her look all grown-up and mature... which she had to be of course caring for her sister Dawn.
She had looked at him with some kind of confusion in her eyes as if she wasn't knowing he was here after all, it had been her who had brought him here. Crouched into one corner, he started rocking himself back and forth in a never-ending rhythm listening to the voices inside and outside his head.
"You sure are a sad example of an evil-but-now-ensouled demon you petty little girl. I can't believe I ever saw beauty and grace in you as a human and not simply have you for dinner. But I have even less excuse for your being such a lousy vampire, creeping, couching, hiding, starving, all for a redemption you'll never achieve 'cause you are nothing but a worthless pile of ashes still in a human body. You are dirt, no, lower than dirt, you are the grime underneath my shoes."
His Sire. The only one, who ever meant more to him than a random affinity, had turned him down - again. Again, again! The love he had still cherished in the deepest depth of his heart for his formerly evil Sire and even his ensouled Sire got turned down, rejected because unworthy. Filthy, his heart and soul were tainted.
He was left with the hate and the guilt.
Hate for what Angelus had made of him, that he had turned him and taught him all his evil trades that he had made him this uncontrollably bad thing that he was. Still was, despite his soul. And guilt that he hadn't been able to withstand the darkness, that he even relished it and had held his hand out, reaching for it, turning himself into this uncontrollably wicked thing that he was. Still was, despite his soul...
Buffy opened the door to the school basement, carefully watching out for people who could see her trespass the forbidden area. She climbed down the steps that lead into the musty darkness below. It wasn't exactly like a long wished dream to finally come true but running into Spike the last day, had made her curious. What the hell did he have to do down here and what was it about the state he was in.
He had hurt himself cutting his skin deeply keeping it a bleeding mess by constantly scratching the newly built skin off. What was most disturbing was the fact that he didn't seem to be able to get one coherent thought into one sensible sentence. Just kept bubbling along to people that weren't actually there most probably never had been.
He looked dirty and scarred and his usually short, back slicked, bleached hair had become slightly longer showing dark roots and curls. He would've looked bad boy sexy, if his clothes hadn't been dirty and crusted with his own blood. Buffy simply assumed it was his blood because it was quite obvious he had not fed judging by his now weak and gaunt frame.
If he still was in this bad shape, she knew she would feel obliged to do something about it despite what he had tried to do to her. Buffy wasn't really afraid of Spike or that he might try again to rape her. She knew her strength and had recovered some of her former mental strength as well. He couldn't rattle her chains anymore. More likely was she could rattle his.
Stepping around the corner of one of the far back storage rooms, she caught sight of Spike squatting almost on the ground all hunched over but still on his feet rocking back and forth and making low whining noises.
"Spike?"
No reaction.
"Spike! Stop playing mind games with me. I'm not falling for it. Get yourself together now and tell me what your problem is."
Again, no reaction.
"Growing really frustrated over here! Stop this, right now! Ok.... you don't wanna answer? Great. Well, gotta grab you by your err dirty filthy err well, shirt and drag you outta here and- "
Continuing her talk more to herself than actually to Spike, she reached out to get a hold onto Spike's left arm. But right that moment he started screaming throwing himself to his right side rolling sideways over his back jumping back to his feet and backing further into the room.
"NO! NO touching! Not allowed to touch! Not allowed to get touched! No touch no feeling no pain... pain... there's always pain... paying for pain with pain... "
"Hell, Spike! Are you totally out of your mind? What happened? Where have you been these last months? And whatever turned you into loony-tunes?"
"It's the girl again... talking... never touching... Sire? Always here and not... not touching either... just talking... don't leave me alone!"
Buffy frowned. He was talking of Angel? Must be as Angel was his Sire. Ok, now that weird her out beyond extreme because she knew about the fight they had about her.
Angel didn't want Spike to be with her in any way but especially not
in a sexual way.
That was a misdemeanor from his Childe he couldn't tolerate.
She was the love of his reensouled life and Spike belonged to him since
he was born. The two of them had simply no right to be together without
him!
Again and again, she had assured Angel that he still was and ever would
be specially loved by her and that it had been an inconsequential relationship
purely based on sex. No more.
And she had not lied, not knowing that this fact was one reason for Angel not wanting them to be together he knew Spike far too well, to not realize the deeper sentiment behind this. Once his Childe fell in love, it was completely and head over heals. And he got hurt every time so often, feeling desolated when left behind.
Angelus, and even Angel, had been the reason for that more than once.
Buffy wondered whether Spike had gone to LA to see Angel but at the same time, she knew that Angel would have called her. No way, Spike never would've had the guts to tell his Sire he had tried to rape her knowing how Angel reacted when they had been together on a consensual basis.
This was just getting crazier any minute even in a literally sense of the word considering the squatting vampire in the opposite corner. He had gone back to rocking himself back and forth, his hands covering his head that was bent down and resting on his knees.
Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
One became all dizzy watching him. And then this babbling to no one in particular or to people only visible to himself. He definitely needed some kind of help.
"Spike? I'm going to leave you now, but not for long, ok? Don't mess
yourself up any further I'm calling Angel and see if he's willing to
come down to Sunnydale and take a look at you
maybe he
knows what happened and what to do about it."
It was only a few nights later when she found out herself that Spike
had regained his soul.
For her.
Because of what he had tried to do, knowing it was essentially wrong
and thus taking these consequences.
Angel had not been able to come to Sunnydale right away but one of the following nights he would arrive about 11 p.m. meeting her at her house, from where they would make their way to the school basement together.
~Part: 3~ Choices of heart
They had simply hugged each other luxuriating in their embrace for a while and sort of reacquainting themselves with each other.
She would always love him but she had drawn a line underneath their relationship as lovers. It couldn't be and that was it. She just wasn't sure what else would be.
He would always love her but he knew that their time together was over. It was time to move on and that was it. He just wasn't sure where to move.
They took the car, yet leaving it a few blocks away from the High School building.
Hand in hand, they took up their walk towards the school continuing to bring each other up to date with the dealings of the last weeks. Someone passing by would have smiled and thought that those two made a beautiful couple. But someone who could see behind this façade would stare in awe at those two being just as taken by each other as ever before, moreover, adding an intimate feeling of friendship and trust.
Buffy knew of a side entrance that for some reason wasn't locked, maybe the janitor had forgotten to check it, therefore granting anyone access who wanted it but who would actually want to be in school by night when being forced to spent most of your days there.
Obviously only a slayer and a souled vampire looking for another souled, yet totally crazy vampire, hiding in the basement. The door to the basement was still unlocked as it had been the last few times and they followed the steps to the storage rooms down below.
They could hear him even before they saw him. Buffy send a 'didn't I tell you'-look towards Angel and he frowned in amazement. The blond was pacing from the wall of one side to the wall of the other side each time touching it once with his left hand and babbling along to someone apparently being in the room with him. Except there was no one.
Both, Buffy and Angel, took a good look around not able to make out anyone else being present. For some time they only stood in the doorway watching Spike's compulsive pacing and wall-touching, not saying a word.
Finally, Angel stepped fully into the room and addressed his insane offspring.
"Spike?" A short side-glance was cast at him, nevertheless the pacing continued.
"Yes, Sire?"
Now, this was odd. Angel had beaten up Spike on their last encounter but hadn't made him submit so how came the other directed him with a submissive account? He took a few more steps towards Spike blocking his way to stop him in his gait but instead of stopping right before his Sire, Spike bumped directly into him. At the immediate body contact, he started to scream and threw himself back away from Angel looking at him with wide eyes, which flickered with panic and confusion.
"NO! NO touching! Not real, not solid, not warm, not cold!"
"Spike! It's me, Angel... you can touch me and I am real!"
"...No touchin' ... walk right through... not real... " Whispered Spike looking at his Sire with a haunted expression on his face scanning the room for a way to escape. Angel tried to estimate what would happen if he touched him again and carefully moved closer to the vampire who was crouching on the floor.
"Shush, everything is all right, I'm not going to hurt you! Just come to me, Childe. Let me take a look at you, let me check your wounds... "
Spike tilted his head to the left listening intently to the gentle voice of his Sire, however, not backing away any further. With a very slow gesture of his hand Angel tenderly touch him delicately pushing the shirt aside to get a better look at the yawning gashes on the blond's chest. He shook his head.
"Do you know how he got those?"
"He did it himself, Angel, said he tried to cut 'it' out... " Came Buffy's quiet voice from behind, "Angel, there's something I haven't told you yet... "
"Do you know what this 'it' could be?"
"Actually yes." Buffy stopped; not exactly knowing how to tell Angel about the soul his Childe had retrieved on his own decision. He turned his head around and was raising his eyebrows inquiringly at her.
"He's got his soul back, Angel..."
"What?!" he shouted.
Jumping up rising to his full height and bringing a few feet of distance between himself and his Childe. His ensouled-gone-insane Childe. Had it been too much for him to handle all the guilt and sorrow that came combined with the soul? It definitely appeared like it.
"Do you know any sensible reason why the hell he could've done something this drastic?"
"He tried to rape me."
Fast as lightning Angel spun around jolting a high round kick into Spike's face making his head slam into the wall and his body going slack to the ground bleeding from his mouth and the back of his head.
Giving the smaller vampire's ribcage another vicious blow with his foot, he made him gasp for air. Spike did nothing to protect or defend himself, his face was blank, and his eyes were showing no emotion whatsoever, simply letting his Sire's wrath wash over him waiting to die. Wishing to die.
But Buffy instantly butted in, preventing Angel to hurt Spike anymore.
"Stop it Angel! Don't you think he's punished enough, all ready? Look
at him he's totally out of his mind. Right now, he doesn't even care
whether you're bashing his head in or not...
And you will be sorry beyond yourself if you're killing him now...
and by the way for that it would be my right to do so, not yours."
Angel turned around facing her with hurting eyes and she realized that this was really hard for him. She gave him an understanding smile keeping her hand on his shoulder and was giving it an assuring squeeze.
The sound of Spike groveling along the floor towards a far off corner where he got up into a squatting position again picking up his rocking himself back and forth and babbling a continuing "pain for pain... pain for pain... pain for pain... " to no-one in particular, brought their focus back on track.
"What are we gonna do about him?" Buffy asked with a faint sigh at the sight of Spike.
"I got three days until I have to go back to LA, I'll stay with him here and try to gather some information from him. But I guess I already know where he went to get his soul back... there's a demon in some hidden caves back in Middle Africa. He puts you through the trials, but hardly any demon has lived through them so far... Spike was rather lucky, less sensible though..."
"Nevertheless he did the right thing, don't you think so?"
"Well, you take a look at him and tell me, 'cause I don't know. Buffy, I suffered from guilt and sorrow just like he does now, but I didn't go all loony-tunes, trying to cut the pain out of my body. He's beyond himself, probably doesn't even know where he is beware what day we have.
"Can't you help him somehow? Bring him back to reality? Do anything, fuck him if you have to, just bring his brains back on track. Angel, something is coming. I don't know what and I don't know when but it will be rough and we need any help we can get. Beside myself, he's the strongest we have... "
Angel drew in a sharp breath of air and was releasing it slowly through
his mouth. He knew she was right. And he wouldn't be here to help. With
a short nod of his head he acknowledge Buffy's reasons and by taking her
hand, he confirmed that he would do anything in his power to get Spike
back to normal, well, as normal as he had been before, which wasn't exactly
the average back then as well. Buffy gave him another sweet smile, took
one last look at Spike and was gone moments later.
He was alone with his Childe.
It had been hours since the blond vampire had last moved keeping his crouched position, forehead resting on his knees and his hands covering his head. Angel wasn't quite sure whether Spike was asleep or just in some kind of catatonic stupor.
He decided for the second as the squatting vampire in front of him not even flinched at a loud yell at him. With a look at his watch he knew dawn was just about and only in a few hours there would be the clattering, busy feet of hundreds of students upstairs, trapping him in the basement. Only then, his Childe lifted his head and looking at him with confusion evident on his face.
"Angelus?"
"No, Angel."
Without paying attention to the correction, he simply repeated Angel's former name with an edge of fear to his voice.
"Angelus? Why are you doin' this to me?"
"Spike, it's me A-n-g-e-l, and I'm here to help you. Just tell me what's wrong. I know the soul hurts but you have to come to terms with what you've done and then move on!"
"It hurts so badly... will it ever hurt less? Will it ever be good?"
"It'll never be good again, Spike, but you'll learn to live with it. You have to or you are going to be a prisoner in your immortal body until someone frees you... splitting your soul from your body again."
Spike stared at him and Angel wasn't sure he had even understood one thing of what he just said.
Without any reference, Spike spoke again.
"You know it's coming.... From beneath you, it devours... It's talkin' to me... it wants me to - ... "
"Wants you to what?"
"I don't know... you haven't told me, yet... please, tell me and let me go."
Angel shook his head and told Spike, that he couldn't do that and wouldn't even think about it.
~~~
The three days past without any development to the better. Spike stayed in confused state of mind talking to himself or just staring into nothing in particular. It was the last day Angel could stay with the still insane vampire and told him so. This seemed to get Spike out of his absorption and for the first time he was locking his gaze with Angel, his eyes of a clear, liquid blue color.
"Angel? What are you doin' here?"
"What? Spike I've been here for three days now, don't you remember? And I'm here to help you."
"I'm not sure... there are so many people."
"We are alone. We've been alone all those three days. There are no people;
they are simply memories from your past. The soul brings them back from
your subconscious, confronting you with the people you killed..."
"I didn't kill Dru. Or you. Buffy... I killed Buffy!"
"No, Spike, you didn't kill her. She is alive and all right!"
"Are you real?"
"Yes, I am. Here, touch me..." and he held out his hand, giving Spike the opportunity to touch something solid and real against his haunting ghosts.
With trembling hands, the blond was reaching for his Sire's hand and when he felt its three-dimensional form, was grabbing it tightly. With little effort of strength, Angel drew him into a tight embrace clasping his arms around the shoulders and patting the shuddering vampire on his back.
Minutes passed. Stretching to hours.
And still Spike held on to Angel as if he was drowning and his Sire was the salvation from actual death. Angel solely clutched him in a firm grip continuing his stroking the back of the smaller vampire and when he heard the subtle crying of him was soothing him with purring noises.
Dusk settled around half past nine, and finally it was dark and time for Angel to get on his way back to LA. He didn't want to leave, especially as Spike seemed to get a little clearer in the head. But he had no choice. Cordelia had called only an hour ago making haste to his coming home because she had had another vision.
He didn't know it but it would be a long time till he would see his unruly Childe again. Not before another child, another loss of his soul and this Childe's death. Neither of them knew. They said their good-byes and Angel was starting his way upstairs when he turned around once more, stepping up to his Childe.
With a cogent squeeze, he was cupping Spike's face and drawing him close pressing his soft lips onto the other one's. Full of tenderness he was sucking on the lips and attentively nibbling at them. In conclusion, he was tapping with his tongue over the blonde's mouth pushing between his lips and trying to part them. Spike opened his mouth amply and let Angel's searching tongue raid him entwining it with his own.
Both vampires groaned in a low timbre with the arousing pleasure they felt. They crushed their lips together licking and sucking them with passionate force. To retain his balance, Spike was clinging to Angel's waist with his slender hands and was pulling him close at the same time.
It was Angel, who ultimately broke the kiss and opening his eyes to find his Childe still entranced by the kiss, his eyes shut. The younger vampire licked his lower verge with his tongue rubbing both lips together savoring the taste of the dark-haired vampire and only then opened his eyes reluctantly.
With a last gentle brush over the blonde's high cheekbones with both his thumps Angel withdraw his hands, turned around and was up the stairs in no time leaving Spike to himself again.
Spike turned around facing his Sire who was looking at him with derisive eyes.
"You didn't truly believe I would stay with you, right? You are pathetic and I couldn't care less for you than I already do."
The vampire cowered down, instantly taking up his rocking rhythm silent
tears leaving wet traces behind on his pale cheeks.
The End