Pairing: Angel, Angelus, Spike and Lindsey in all variations, plus one ‘shock rocker’ for Spike….kind of!
Disclaimers: I don’t own any of the Buffy or Angel characters, Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox, Mutant Enemy etc do…and I will return them…although they might be a bit sticky when I’m done! I also do not own System of a Down, Marilyn Manson, Trent Reznor or any of their lyrics. No copyright infringement is intended or inferred and no profit is being made.
Warning: Contains character death.
Notes: This will sound strange until you get further into the story but, unless Angelus is over 50% present he will still be referred to as Angel and will speak as Angel. Believe me there are some parts that would have looked much weirder if I had tried to incorporate it into my typing the way I had done originally.
Spoilers : None. This story does not follow the established timeline, I just used the events as and where I wanted to suit this story.
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Sunnydale CA (with flashbacks/history)
Spike lay on Angel’s old bed in the mansion. He looked so young and peaceful sprawled out on his stomach, legs bent up behind him, bare feet crossed at the ankles absently swinging back and forth keeping in time with the pen that he repeatedly tapped against his lower lip. He was lost in thought.
A look at his worn face betrayed all illusion of his carefree posture. His brow was heavy set with frown lines, his eyes showed tiredness, were red rimmed from crying and tear tracks stained his beautiful face. Pulling himself back from his thoughts suddenly, he sighed, shifted a fraction getting comfortable and began to write in the book that lay on the bed before him. He was following a practice that Angelus has installed upon him as a young vampire.
Spike, or William as he was then, gave an outstanding performance as a cold, heartless and vicious killer with his ever present ‘don’t fuck with me’ attitude and aura. On the outside, he was everything that a master vampire should be, unbreakable and untouchable even at such a young age.
However, his attitude was different when it came to his sister Dru, or his Princess as he called her. He loved her deeply as any brother would, giving her anything she wanted, caring for her, comforting her and offering his protection. He was jealous and possessive over her and would do anything for her, lay down his life for her if need be. Yet, although compassionate towards her, allowing his feelings of warmth and love to surround her, he would always maintain his place as her protector, never once seeking anything from her in return. He loved her, but he wasn’t in love with her.
Things were different with Angelus, his Sire, his lover, his everything… his. When alone together, Angelus could melt through William’s defences like a warm knife through butter and uncover the soft, caring individual beneath the hard exterior. It was only in Angelus’ presence that William would soften and share his feelings and only in Angelus’ arms that he would seek his comfort and have his needs met.
William’s human father had always drummed into him that ‘men don’t cry, men aren’t soft, and don’t have feelings,’ plus numerous other falsities, and this is why he persisted in hiding any so called weaknesses. It was ingrained into him and he couldn’t seem to go against it.
No one but Angelus would ever know truly how sensitive and breakable William could be, how full of love he was and how much he craved to have the same love returned to him, love that Angelus gave freely and willingly to him. Angelus didn’t care for William’s father’s teachings, didn’t agree with all that… nonsense. How could you be a strong, whole person if you spent your time ignoring or hiding what you felt, he didn’t…and no one would ever accuse Angelus of being soft!
On occasion Angelus’ would be summoned by his Sire, Darla to attend the Master’s court where she now resided. The invitation was never extended to include his two childer, whom she despised through no fault of their own. Darla never voiced her reasons and yet it was obvious that she hated them simply because Angelus gave his love to them, something that she would never receive from him, not in the way that she desired at least. She viewed him as the devoted father that he was, never realising the secret, true extent to which Angelus’ love burned deep for William.
Angelus was loyal to her of course, did what was required of him and showed her the respect that she deserved as his Sire, but he also knew his own mind. No matter how much control Darla ‘legally’ had over him she knew deep inside that she could never force him to love her in any other capacity than he did already, or force him to abandon his childer in her favour, regardless of any vampiric lore or laws and the consequences they entailed, and so for this reason she never tried. Better to have him in this way than not at all. But that didn’t mean that she would make things easy on him, hence the frequent exclusions of his childer from ‘family’ events that he was expected to attend without question.
William couldn’t bear to be apart from Angelus and would become distraught when Darla called him away to be by her side. Through these times it felt as if part of him was missing.
Angelus would more than likely be gone for merely a couple of days, and yet it seemed like an eternity to William, and for a vampire that was saying something. Angelus knew that William wouldn’t drop his guard and seek comfort from Dru during his absence and so he devised a simple and yet effective method through which William could deal with his feelings of loss until he returned from Darla’s summons.
His plan was that before retiring to bed, William should write a letter to Angelus in a journal that he had given him. The letter was to detail all of his thoughts, feelings and fears. It was a simple idea and yet William gained so much from carrying out the task. It was therapeutic for him, allowing him to concentrate on all of the jumbled feelings rampaging through his head and bring them into focus upon the page, clearing his mind and calming him. He was also instructed to end each letter with a happy thought or feeling, something to look forward to, something to settle him and make things easier to bear. Upon Angelus’ return, William would curl up next to him on the bed and share these letters with him relaying all that he’d experienced. Then with kisses, soft caresses and soothing hushed words, undoubtedly ending with soft yet passionate lovemaking, Angelus would wash away all of William’s fears and make him feel safe and calm and centred again.
And that’s where Spike found himself now. Writing a letter to his Sire, one that he knew Angelus would and could never lay eyes upon, but it comforted him in some small way just to be doing this.
Spike chose to hide himself away in the mansion during these times, knowing that the Scoobies wouldn’t think to look for him there and were highly unlikely to set foot in there anyway. He could be sure that they wouldn’t barge in on him and interrupt him like they did when he was in his crypt. They seemed to think that they had every right to do that now when it suited them. No one ever stopped by just to see how he was. They only came to demand that he help them with something or take out their frustrations on him and being ‘chipped’ as he was now, there wasn’t a single thing that he could do. It wasn’t as if he could even pack up and move on. Where could he go? How long would he survive? Who else would give him handouts…well, sometimes... in payment for his fighting skills and knowledge?
It hurt him to be treated this way, just to be this way. He would never let them see that they were affecting him though, attacking them with his sharp tongue, keeping up his hard, unbreakable front with his ‘couldn’t care less’ attitude. As always, keeping his feelings locked up and pushed deep down inside where no one could see.
No one really cared about him. He had no friends…actually that wasn’t entirely true, although it often felt like it. There was Dawn who cared about him in her own childlike way. Spike enjoyed her company, she kind of reminded him of Dru with her innocent nature. They would chat away for hours about nothing in particular or simply hang out, but that’s as far as it went, as far as he wanted it to go. Of course, he could never (and didn’t want to anyhow) burden this young girl with his age old problems or allow her to see any sign of weakness within him, especially as she looked up to him so much.
He relished the moments in which Dawn would absently snuggle up to him whilst they watched TV or the little sisterly peck on the cheek combined with a hug that she always gave him when it was time for her to go home. It was the only affectionate contact that he received anymore. He’d become more accustomed to being on the receiving end of violence, and it just wasn’t any fun that way round. Nothing was fun anymore. And as much as he loved Dawn’s goodbye hug, he never wanted her to leave. That meant he’d be alone, and he had always hated being alone, hated silence. It was in these moments that his thoughts would turn sour, invade his mind, scream at him and he no longer had his Sire to chase them away. His only escape now was to turn up his music, loud, and drown out everything else.
Joyce was also kind to him. Although many years her senior, he didn’t feel that way. She represented a mother figure to him and that’s how he viewed her. He’d often go and visit her just for some company and to keep the dreaded silence at bay. She would make him hot chocolate with little marshmallows, just the way he liked it, and they’d talk into the early hours. She enjoyed these visits just as much as he did, feeling quite lonely herself. Joyce would never ask him to leave. She always tried to be the perfect host, covering up her tiredness, due to his late visiting times. However, Spike knew when it was time to go and although he appreciated her hospitality, he didn’t want to take advantage and overstay his welcome and so, reluctantly, he would be on his way and allow her to get some sleep.
That’s how he finished his writing tonight, his happy thought being that Joyce was well on her way to recovery after her operation and that he was going to visit her tonight again to see how she was. With that, and a soft smile, he closed up his book and rolled off the bed.
He pulled the heavy bed away from the wall with an ease that a human could never hope to achieve, to reveal a small hidden door. He opened it, slipped inside and put his book away alongside all of his others, each one that he had ever written. They were much safer in here than stored in the secret trap in the trunk of his car where they had previously been.
***
William hadn’t made many entries in his journals at first, only on those days that Angelus was away. It was when Angelus had ventured out that night, at Darla’s request, and failed to return that the entries had become overwhelming in number.
William was worried when Angelus hadn’t returned on the night promised, but decided that perhaps he’d been held up. When he didn’t return the following night, William knew something must be wrong. Seven nights he awaited his Sire’s return, but it did not come. Inside William was breaking, but he knew that he had to remain strong for Dru.
Each day upon waking, Dru would ask William if Daddy was coming home today. Not wanting her to worry, but also not wanting to lie to her he would always give her the same answer, “I hope so my Princess, I hope so,” as he smiled softly at her and stroked her hair back from her face.
He tried to carry on as normal so that she wouldn’t suspect that anything was wrong. They still went out to feed each night, but his heart wasn’t in the hunt anymore, no longer was feeding a game of cat and mouse.
William let Dru know that he loved and missed Daddy, but he never let her know that he was worried. He was concealing all of his despair…or so he thought.
***
Checking that the house was secure for the day, William slowly made his way up the stairs to their room, his and Angelus’ room that Dru was currently sleeping in too, as she always did during Angelus’ absence. Will stopped in his tracks as he heard Dru talking to Miss Edith in a barely audible whisper.
“My Spikey is all broken inside, he’s trying to hide away from me but I can feel his heart crying. He is worried about Daddy, misses him and wants him to come home. He won’t tell me when Daddy is coming back. I don’t think he knows. He loves Daddy, only not the same as he loves me. Oh Miss Edith, no, not any less but different, it’s a secret, an old, old secret. Shhh you mustn’t tell they think I don’t know. I shall be very cross if you do tell and I won’t let you have any cakes for your dinner. I must be a good girl, I won’t cry and I won’t ask about Daddy again because it makes my Spikey get all hurty inside. He won’t let me be his mummy and look after him or I might think he is a teeny tiny crying baby. Oh Miss Edith, I wished on the stars for Daddy to come home but they won’t listen, they say they can’t find him,” she paused, “now, it is bedtime. You shall close your eyes and put happy dreams in William’s head while you sleep. Goodnight”
William remained motionless on the stairs. He heard Dru kiss Miss Edith goodnight, then rustling as she slipped off her clothes and climbed into bed. Tears rolled down his face. He thought that he was being the strong one, he hadn’t realised that Dru was stronger. She had realised his pain and held back her own so as not to upset him further. She wanted to help him but was afraid to do so as it might make him feel inadequate. She had known all along about him being in love with Angelus in that way, and yet had remained silent. Actually, they always wondered how she hadn’t been able to see it before, given that she seemed to know a whole multitude of ‘the moon’s secrets’ as she called them. It worried him too, as she had put it, that the stars couldn’t find Angelus. Dru was always so precise with her visions or insights. He dreaded to think what this one could mean.
William decided that couldn’t have her suffer like this for his sake, it was time they shared with each other, pulled together to help each other. He would give Dru what she wanted and needed. He laughed softly to himself as he realised that he would have to do this without betraying Miss Edith’s integrity, lest she didn’t get any treats for spilling the secrets trusted to her. He also wondered, since when had he become her Spikey?
William didn’t bother to dry his eyes or stem the flow of tears as he entered the bedroom. He wanted to let Dru see his sadness. Hearing him enter, she propped herself up in the bed, lying back against the pillows. Instead of greeting him as usual she just sat there starring at him a little shocked. It was the first time that she had ever seen him cry. He sat down beside her on the bed and faced her so that she could look at him and truly see his sadness.
Dru stared disbelievingly at a tear that was making its way down his cheek. She hesitantly reached out towards him, gently brushing it away with her thumb. William closed his eyes at her touch and took a long slow breath. He opened his eyes again and spoke softly, “Princess?” at the term of endearment Dru’s eyes met his, again a little shocked as if she had only just noticed that he was there, so busy was she concentrating on his tears before and not looking beyond them. “Princess?” he repeated again just as softly, “will you hold me?” Dru’s eyes filled with tears too, only hers were brought on through relief and happiness that William wanted her help in healing.
“Of course, my love,” she soothed, holding out her arms allowing him to lie down beside her and rest his head upon her breast. She wrapped one arm around him tightly as she ran her fingers through his long hair with the other. “My big, strong, brave William,” she hushed, “your little Princess is so proud of you.”
William felt safe and loved with her arms wrapped protectively around him, allowing himself to completely relax into her comfort. He loved the way that Dru, so aware of his fear of appearing weak, was making him feel anything but that. He could tell that she wasn’t just saying it either, those were her true feelings.
“I miss him so much,” he offered.
“Yes my sweet, I know. I will take care of you until he comes home and you will take care of me too. Daddy will be so proud of us.” ‘She’s right,’ thought William, Angelus would be proud that they were taking care of each other and he took further comfort in that.
“Yes my love, he would,” he smiled. William felt a little better already, he felt stronger. He made a decision to stop feeling sorry for himself and get on and do something. “Tell you what, tomorrow we’ll pay a visit to Darla and see if she’ll tell us what’s causing Angelus’ delay, ok?”
“Poisoned she is, full of scratchy snakes, black and sticky with bugs inside, hate her, hate her, ugly wicked monster with evil talons,” Dru went off on one of her ‘the moon told me’ rants, which by all accounts summed up Darla perfectly as far as William was concerned.
He partially relieved himself from Dru’s hold, just for a moment as he stripped off his clothes and slipped in to bed beside her. They cuddled up close to one another, entwining their bodies around one another as always.
“Princess?” asked William as she began to drift off to sleep.
“Hmm?”
“What did you mean that the stars can’t find Daddy?”
“They keep trying but they only catch glimpses of him through the thick fog, they can’t see through it. He’s stuck and he can’t get out”
William didn’t know what to make of that, but decided that if the stars could see him, even for a second, that he must still be alive or un-dead as it were. He let himself relax and move towards sleep.
Dru suddenly startled William as he lay at that calm point between wakefulness and sleep as she suddenly spoke, “And you Miss Edith, shall be having no cake for your dinner now telling Spikey all my secrets!”
“Why do you call me that love?” he asked.
“Because you feel all Spikey and sharp inside, in the space that you keep for Daddy, right here,” she said holding her hand flat against his chest.
“Oh.”
***
Having made the long journey to find Darla, the pair now found themselves waiting on her doorstep whilst a servant went to fetch her. Dru kept staring up at the house, looking puzzled.
“What’s wrong love?”
“Daddy told me that Grandmum lived under the ground with our Master.”
‘Grandmum?’ he thought. Darla didn’t deserve any title from them, let alone one of affection. She was nothing to them, she’d chosen to ignore their existence and they didn’t owe her a single thing.
“She does. This house just rests over the top of the entrance to the caverns. And you don’t have to call her Grandmum pet.”
“Daddy told me long ago that we must be good and polite if we should ever speak to his mummy…even though she is a mean old dragon,” she added with a giggle, hiding a grin behind her hand.
‘Fair enough,’ he thought to himself, realising once again that she was right. Angelus had always taught and expected good manners from them, well at least when dealing with his family or when charming their way into aristocratic circles. After that all hell could break loose for all he cared, and usually did.
Darla appeared at the door, “I wondered when you two brats would show up. What’s wrong?” she asked in mock concern, “Daddy not come home yet?”
“Grandmum,” Dru said curtsying as she did so.
“Oh, please!” exclaimed Darla waving her hand at Dru’s actions in a dismissive way.
“We would like to speak with our Sire,” stated William. He was not going to bow down to her, but remained polite thus far, ignoring the reception that she gave them.
“Oh would you? Well he’s not here. He’s no longer welcome here and neither are you. He’s not my childe anymore, worthless piece of shit that he is….” That was it, his resolve broke instantly. No one would speak of their Angelus that way. Without even thinking William punched Darla hard in the face, knocking her to the floor. “Don’t you dare to speak of our Sire in such a way you…you… fucking bitch!” he growled, looming over her.
“Your Sire?” Darla laughed bitterly, tending her bleeding jaw with her hand as she scrambled back to her feet, “Your Sire is dead,” she spat.
William stared at her in shock, he felt his knees go weak and would have collapsed if he hadn’t felt Dru’s hand upon his elbow ready to lead him away, “Come my Spikey, Grandmum is full of burning lies. We would know if Daddy had gone to live with the stars, they would tell us.” Dru turned and so guided William to turn with her, ready to lead him away.
“Spikey? What kind of ridiculous name is that,” Darla cackled behind them as they headed away. William was flushed with embarrassment at the use of Dru’s new pet name for him.
“Oh, have you not heard,” started Dru stopping in her tracks and turning to face Darla, “Spike is a name that has the mortals trembling in fear. They are all talking about him and have bestowed this name upon my beloved brother for his skill with the use of a simple railroad spike,” she said proudly, although over dramatically as if quoting Shakespeare. “In his hands it is such a delicious instrument of torture, he makes such pretty patterns on their bodies. They last longer this way, their hearts still crying out for mercy after we have taken our fill, leaving them to die alone. The pain and suffering dances happily in the air and their prolonged fear and shock makes their blood taste so much more sweet and yummy, doesn’t it brother?” And so, she concluded her act, licking her lips and rubbing her stomach as if remembering and savouring the taste.
“That it does, my Princess,” Spike answered softly before placing a gentle, loving kiss upon her lips. He loved the way that she had covered for him so expertly, and yet it wasn’t a total lie. He had recently killed two of their victims by spiking them, and yes…it had made the press. He’d simply been trying to put a bit of excitement back in the kill and although it had excited Dru, it still felt empty to him.
“You’re insane, the pair of you,” Darla shouted after them as they strolled away, William hugging Dru close to him about her waist with her arm clinging to his just as securely. Neither looked back but both heard her frustrated growl before she slammed the door closed.
It was just before sunrise when they returned home. They both knew instinctively that Angelus still hadn’t returned before they even entered. Tired, they both went straight up to bed.
Cuddled up to William, Dru asked, “We’ll find Daddy won’t we?”
“I hope so my Princess,” he replied squeezing her reassuringly. “What do you think, about going on a holiday love? We could go to all of the beautiful places that Daddy told us about and look for him on our travels.” William wanted to go looking for Angelus. He didn’t understand where he could possibly be and thought that pretending it was a holiday would make it fun and less worrying for Dru.
“Oh yes,” she squealed excitedly, “we can see lots of pretty things and eat all of the yummy people from the lovely places. Daddy said that everyone tastes different overseas. I will put all of Miss Edith’s dresses in her pink box and when we find Daddy she will get the new dress that he promised her for when he came home and...”
Dru continued to babble excitedly for a good few hours before exhaustion took over and she finally let sleep take hold of her. William had remained on the cusp of sleep the entire time, listening contentedly as she spoke, pleased to see her happy.
***
They searched for years, actually they never stopped searching although truth be told, William didn’t hold out much hope any longer. Searching became less the object of their travels now. They had come to accept that they might never see Angelus again, but agreed that they could not let this rule their lives. Dru had told Spike, as she always referred to him now, “We will miss Daddy and he will still be in our hearts, not forgotten ever. But we must not be sad for him. It would make Daddy so sad too if he knew that we were crying for him. He wouldn’t want that. He would tell us to stop being all gloomy, to go and play and be happy. We will make him proud, doing what he has taught us to do and being what he would want us to be. He will find us when the time is right.”
As usual, she was right and her words inspired Spike. He wanted to do what Angelus would have expected of him. He would live his life to the full as would Dru. But, unlike Dru, he would be doing this in memory of Angelus.
He couldn’t help but reluctantly accept Darla’s cruel enjoyment of telling them that Angelus was dead. He didn’t want to believe it, didn’t want to accept it but it had to be the truth in all honesty. He knew that Angelus would never have simply abandoned them. He must be dead; it was the only explanation for his failure to return, even though Dru still insisted that every so often the stars would catch a peek at him.
Spike could not let Dru discover his fears that Angelus might truly be dead and hoped that she hadn’t seen it within him already. He had to take control of his fears and push them deep, deep down inside, further than he’d ever done before and bury them from her sight. He needed to do this to protect her and to allow himself to move on also. It was at this point that he’d also stopped writing his letters to Angelus’ altogether. They had already become infrequent by this time anyway. Spike had never touched the books again...until recently.
***
Spike and Dru had lived a wonderful life together, travelling the world, killing, and generally causing havoc and mayhem wherever they went, all in the name of making Angelus proud. They found the fun in everything and thoroughly enjoyed everything they did. Spike had become somewhat harder again, having forced his true feelings deep inside and forgetting about them as best he could. He’d re-built walls around himself, although he was no longer afraid to seek comfort in Dru when he needed it.
With his newly hardened exterior came a change in appearance to match. He unconsciously made himself look as unapproachable as he could, dying his hair shocking white/blonde teasing it into sharp individual spikes and adopting a punk style with lots of spiked accessories and heavy ‘fuck off’ boots, anything that screamed ‘back off, don’t touch’. Dru thought he looked sexy and so did he!
He followed all fashions and advances, always keeping up with the changing times but Dru remained the same as ever, not interested in changing in the slightest.
He didn’t take any shit from anyone. Not that he ever had. But now he went out looking for trouble, causing it and bringing it on himself. He got off on violence, got high on it. He lived fast and furious, loved everything about this new age, especially the music, oh how he loved the music the louder and harder it was, the better. And the junk food, beer that didn’t taste like piss, games consoles and TV, of course, TV, how had he ever lived without it? Spike was made for this era, he fitted in perfectly.
***
Spike had only started writing again on that night, no so long ago, when he had come to Sunnydale, and found himself face to face with Angelus…only it wasn’t really him. Yes this being carried his Sire’s scent and worn his Sire’s face, but it just wasn’t him. To Spike he didn’t feel right, the way he walked, held himself and spoke, none of it was reminiscent of his Angelus. He still exuded power and a commanding presence but something was amiss. Sure he tried to pretend to be Angelus, for a moment at least, but it was all an act, a transparent performance that Spike saw through instantly. This wasn’t Angelus that stood before him, his only goal set on protecting some human boy. No, this was an impostor.
Even so, old feelings were instantly awakened, pulled up from the depths where Spike had been hiding them, and it took all of his control to not run into this vampire’s arms. He couldn’t help but hold the tiniest hope that he’d found Angelus again, only to have it shattered the instant Angelus had responded to his simple, softly spoken “Sire?”, with an equally soft, yet seemingly sad “no.”
***
Spike didn’t tell Dru of his discovery of their Sire. He didn’t want her to go through the hurt of rejection too. But of course, Dru could feel his presence.
The pair of them had originally come to Sunnydale in search of a magic cure for Dru, who had become ill on their travels. Spike somehow managed to convince his Princess that she could indeed feel Daddy’s presence, and suggested that perhaps his spirit had come to watch over her to make sure that she regained her health again. He couldn’t be sure that she truly believed him, but she never questioned his words.
Seeing Angelus, or Angel as Spike had come to discover, had shaken his world. Colder and harder than ever on the outside, his inside was awash with overwhelming feelings.
Although he never let anything show on or change outwardly, inside he was loosing his mind and that’s when things started to turn sour for him. He felt the pull of blood, the need to have his Sire by his side again and just couldn’t erase the feeling or push it back down where it had risen from. His wounds were as fresh and raw as the night Angelus first left. He was a mess once more.
For the first time since Angelus had walked out of the door all of those years ago, Spike hated him. He’d hated being left behind before, but never hated Angelus, never blamed him...until now! He didn’t want to believe that he’d been abandoned. He’d known that Angelus would do everything in his power to return to him, to them. He’d had faith in him and therefore had known that Angelus was dead, as Darla had told him. Only it obviously wasn’t so, he had been wrong in his reasoning and now he’d been betrayed twice in the space of a few minutes. The first time realising that Angelus had simply decided not to return to him that night and the second, disowning him now with that one word “no!” Angelus no longer wanted his childe. It hurt, and although full of seething hate, his love was still stronger, he still wanted Angelus back.
***
Spike, of course, by now knew all of the events that had transpired since Angelus had left at Darla’s request. He knew about the gypsy curse, brought about when Darla, in an effort to impress him, had stolen and fed to him a girl from a camp of Romanian travellers moving through England. In response, they had taken their revenge by cursing Angelus with a soul, thinking to cause him suffering torment at the hands of his own sins.
Subsequently Darla hadn’t even attempted to help him. She had disowned him and left him to suffer alone. If Spike had known that back then, Darla would have suffered more than just a bloodied jaw for insulting his Sire’s name.
He knew that Angel had fallen in love with Buffy, the Slayer. But he’d since left her, uttering something about it being for her own good, before he moved onwards to LA. That’s where he lived now, fighting evil with his own little team of ‘do-gooders’ and trying to atone for his crimes…at least that’s what Giles had told the others.
***
In the mansion, Spike pushed the bed back into its former place, stripped off his clothes and climbed into Angel’s bed. He didn’t have anyone to comfort him tonight, hadn’t had that pleasure since his beloved Dru had gone too.
His arms felt so empty, they physically ached with the need to hold something. He pulled one of the pillows lengthways beside him, hugging it to his chest, curling his body around it and snuggling against it. He breathed deeply, inhaling the scent of his Sire. Still as comforting and reassuring as it ever was. This was the other reason that he chose to come to the mansion, to feel ‘his’ presence, to try and soak it up, to seek comfort in it. It wasn’t the real thing, but if he tried hard enough, lay still and closed his eyes tight, he could pretend that his Sire was beside him, and for a little while it helped.
“Goodnight Sire. Goodnight my dark Princess,” he breathed as he stroked the pillow, and listened to the hushed, “Goodnight my darling Will and the Goodnight Spikey my love” that swirled up from the depths of his memories in response.
Spike soon drifted into sleep and dreamed of times long past...
Drusilla was sitting curled up on the floor at Williams’s feet as he brushed her long beautiful dark hair. He was so engrossed tying Dru’s hair in pretty scarlet ribbons to match her dress, that he didn’t notice the golden eyes watching the pair of them contentedly, lovingly from the doorway.
“What the occasion?” asked Angelus as he approached them, holding his hand out towards Dru and helping her to rise to her feet. He knew that Dru was more than likely playing a game of some sort and that Will was helping her to get ready as he always did.
“Do I look pretty Daddy?” Dru asked as she twirled for Angelus.
“You look beautiful darling, just like a princess,” he answered placing a kiss on her lips.
“It’s Miss Edith’s birthday again isn’t it love?” William answered Angelus’ previous question for her. Miss Edith seemed to have an awful lot of birthdays.
“Yes, and we’re going to have a party, with dancing, lots of dancing,” she said, taking Angelus’ hands to lead her in a dance. He did as she wanted, holding her close as he swayed her and then gently holding her hand as he twirled her. Angelus was a wonderful dancer, graceful and charming to watch.
“It’s a surprise party,” she spoke as they danced. “I’m going to set up the tea things while you and William go and fetch something pretty to eat.”
“Aye Princess, we’ll bring you back the prettiest treat that we can find,” Angelus replied as he bowed his head to Dru, while she curtsied to him bringing the dance to an end.
Will handed Angelus his coat as he finished dancing, and slipped his own on too, preparing to go out and hunt. Will pulled Dru to him, kissing her deeply, “We’ll be back soon love,” he hushed, “now you know the rules if you’re to stay here alone?”
“Yes,” she said readying her fingers to count off all two of the rules, “don’t open the door to anyone and don’t leave the house…even if the moon calls me!” Angelus and William had to add the end piece to rule two after the last time they left her alone.
***
Angelus and William looked like any other men out for a night stroll, as they walked side by side through the streets of London. Although in truth, they we unlike any other ‘men’ out tonight…they were hunting, looking for a suitable meal for themselves and something to take back for their beloved Drusilla.
Will spied a nice specimen of a young man ahead of them that would suit them just fine, and they set their plan in motion. Angelus and William slipped down a narrow passage way, speeding their way along it to overtake their prey, before casually stepping out at the other end so that they could ‘accidentally’ bump into the young man, pretending to have not seen him while engrossed in their conversation.
“I’m so sorry, I did no’ see you there,” said Angelus, smoothing his hands just a fraction too slowly down the man’s chest, with the pretence of brushing him down where he had bumped into him.
“Yeah, sorry ‘bout that love,” Will added, smiling seductively at the man, before linking arms with Angelus and leaning against him as they walked off ahead of the man. They could smell the arousal drifting from the man following them and feel his eyes checking them both out. They needed to get him off of the crowded street and out of sight.
Will turned on his heel to look back at the mortal, walking backwards a few paces to stare him up and down, grinning at him sexily to show that he was interested. The man smiled back. Angelus still facing forward, took hold of William’s hand and gently tugged him towards a secluded alley way. Will didn’t take his eyes off of the man as he slowly let Angelus pull him backwards into the alley, seductively tipping his head in the direction that he was being led, quirking his brow at the man and winking suggesting that he should follow.
The mortal stepped into the alley entrance a few moments after Angelus and Will, to find them in a tight embrace sharing a kiss. They broke the kiss, each slowly rolling their cheek against the others, so that they were cheek to check when they turned to face the man. They both smiled enticingly at him. Angelus held a hand out towards him, inviting him to join them as they moved slowly backwards, leading him further into the dark depths.
The man took hold of Angelus’ hand, breathing hard in anticipation as he was led to stand between the pair of them. Will pushed up tight behind him, hard cock pressed against the man’s arse, and Angelus pressed up against his front, cock to cock.
“So, you be wanting to play with us then?” said Angelus in his rich deep brogue.
“Yes,” the man breathed.
“Was hoping you’d say that mate,” said Will as he suddenly clamped a hand over the man’s mouth, gagging him for what was to happen next. The man’s eyes widened with fear and he tried to scream against William’s hand, as Angelus game faced in front of him. Will only had eyes for Angelus as he titled the man’s head to one side, running his finger seductively down the column of their prey’s neck and stroking over the pulse point, causing Angelus’ mouth to water. Angelus only had eyes for Will as he stared intently into those sparkling blue orbs, lowering his head to drink from the terrified mortal.
Will watched fascinated as Angelus punctured the soft flesh with his fangs. The mortal struggled violently, screaming hard into Will’s hand that was effortlessly stopping any sound from reaching the air. Angelus embedded his fangs deep into the flesh and began to suck hard, moaning in pleasure as the thick red liquid flooded his mouth and slid down his throat.
Will averted his gaze and tilted his head so that he could sink his fangs into the other side of the mortal’s fragile neck, matching Angelus’ moan as the fear filled blood oozed down his throat. They drank unsparingly, draining the mortal of his strength…of his life, brining him closer to death with each drop of blood that flowed past their lips.
The mortal’s heart beat was barely audible to their sensitive ears now as it sluggishly, feebly tried to pump the remaining blood through the his veins. The vamps had to suck harder and harder, working their throat muscles skilfully to draw the last drops of blood from the wasted body until it had nothing more to nourish them with.
Angelus pushed the mortal’s dead body aside, disregarding it as he let it fall heavily to the floor, discarding it. They dived at each other furiously now that the ‘obstruction’ had been removed, their fangs clashing together in a frenzy, slicing through soft fleshy lips and letting their own blood mingle with the remains of their feed.
Angelus turned Will, slamming him up against the wall as he tugged at the fastenings of his britches to lower them, bending him over slightly. Angelus freed his own cock and without much hesitation or preparation, thrust hard into his boy’s eager and waiting arse, instantly pumping relentlessly into him with pure blind need, chasing orgasm. Will’s internal muscles took mere seconds to fully relax and accept his Sire’s length, his demon body so used to being treated this way.
At first Will slammed back against him, meeting each of his thrusts. Angelus hooked an arm under each of his boy’s arms and gripped his shoulders. He pulled Will flush against him, causing him to straighten up completely, his chest pressed tight against Will’s back. He changed to long, slow but impossibly hard thrusts, pulling hard against Will, slamming and impaling him on his cock, inadvertently giving Will no control over his own movements.
“Sire?” Will suddenly gasped, “Please Sire, not like this. I need to move too. I want to see your face. I need to hold you.”
Angelus frantic and rough mood instantly changed to one of calm and softness on hearing Will’s words. Gone was all haste as he quashed his own frenzied desires to give his childe what he needed. He gently lowered Will into a more comfortable position as he completely removed his boy’s britches then turned him so that they were face to face.
In no hurry now, they took the time to delight in each others bodies. They kissed slowly, deeply, exploring each others mouths and allowing their tongues to take part in a soft sensual and well practiced dance.
Not breaking the kiss, Angelus easily lifted his boy, taking all of his weight as his slid his slick cock back inside that welcoming hole. William wrapped his legs tight around Angelus’ waist as if he were to be carried, and held around his neck as Angelus gently supported, held onto and rolled his childe’s hips against his own. Both vamps moaned into the kiss as they rocked against each other.
Will braced his hands against Angelus’ shoulders to raise himself so that he could slide up and down Angelus’ length as his Sire thrust up into him, meeting his movements. Angelus’ crushed Will to him, trapping his boy’s cock awkwardly between their stomachs, but giving him all the friction he needed as they moved their bodies sensually together, making love.
They looked magnificent together, two creatures of the night bathed in broken moonlight. Moving together as one, undulating serpent like as they slowly rocked, rolled and ground their hips against one another. Angelus with his hands firmly holding his childe, helping to control his movements, guiding him and Will holding around his Sire’s neck lovingly, one hand stroking through his long hair, the other resting gently on the nape of his neck ensuring that their smooth, deep kiss was unbreakable.
Angelus moaned louder as Will now squeezed his arse muscles tight around his cock each time he raised himself, causing Angelus to thrust harder and sharper into that vice tight grip. They kept moving at the same slow delicious speed but increased the power of their thrusts, Angelus into Will and Will against Angelus’ stomach. Their kiss became even more passionate as Will wrapped his tongue around one of Angelus’ razor sharp fangs, caressing the sensitive ivory before slicing his tongue open so that his blood flowed freely into his Sire’s mouth. Angelus sucked lovingly at his boy’s bleeding tongue before mimicking his childe’s actions and offering his blood too, which Will greedily accepted. Their moans and groans increased, lost under the influence of the blood as they moved powerfully together.
Angelus felt his legs weakening beneath him a little and begin to buckle as he felt that special tingle that signalled his impending orgasm. He moved towards the wall so that he could position Will’s back against as he continued to thrust into him. Making full use of the extra support Will swiftly and expertly shifted and wriggled to raise his legs from Angelus’ waist and instead drop them down his Sire’s back, the backs of his knees coming to rest on those broad shoulders. He couldn’t have been any more open or provided a deeper penetration than in this position. Angelus was done for, three incredibly hard thrusts had him spilling deep inside his boy, growling and snarling into the kiss as he did so. He rocked and ground hard against Will as he came, being sure to pummel against the sensitive nub inside him whilst also causing enough friction against Will’s trapped cock to bring his boy into orgasmic pleasure with him, body tensing and breathing hard but still refusing to break contact with Angelus’ mouth.
Finally their kiss became less frenzied, gentler, until they were merely, barely stroking their tongues softly together as they came down from their high. Their bodies relaxed and became pliable once more as Will eased himself into a more comfortable position aided by his Sire. They slowly, finally broke away from each other, still offering small pecks against each others lips.
“I love you Sire.”
“I love you too Will.”
Spike woke, unwillingly pulled and dragged from the depths of sleep and sighed dejectedly. He wasn’t being held in the warmth of his Sire’s strong loving arms. Not physical warmth no, he meant the feeling that he got inside by having Angelus with him. Now he was alone and cold, so cold. As usual, his dead seed had been wasted on the bed sheets, unwanted by anyone, just as he was.
“Bloody hell” he muttered realising that it was already beginning to get dark outside. He’d slept the day away. He hadn’t meant to fall asleep in Angel’s bed. He’d only done that once before and then had to put up with the Slayer beating on him trying to discover where he’d been for the day. He hadn’t been in his crypt where ‘she’ thought he should be in case ‘she’ wanted him for something. He hoped none of them had been looking from him during the day. That was all he needed now.
Spike sat on the end of the bed, leaning down to do up his bootlaces before retrieving his duster from the back of the chair and slipping it around his now all too thin shoulders. He left the room silently and closed the door behind him.
~~~*~~~
Los Angeles CA (with flashbacks/history)
Angel stroked Lindsey’s hair as the young man rested asleep upon his chest, snuggled up close and seemingly holding on for dear life in the same way that his Will used to. Angel smiled sadly as he thought of William. He still missed him even now, loved him still, but what they had was long gone. William had been replaced with Spike and Angel wasn’t who Spike thought he was. Sure Angelus shared this body with Angel and shared his thoughts, although it was Angel who had the final thread of control.
Angelus had cried and screamed blue murder at Angel when he refused to lay claim on his boy back in Sunnydale, he wanted his childe back. Angel had wanted him too, but what could he do? He couldn’t be the Sire that Spike had asked for so softly that night. He couldn’t just be Angelus, where was Angel supposed to go? It was a case of you take one entity, you get the other free. It’s not as if they could be separated.
Angel was working for the ‘good guys’ now and doubted that Spike or Dru would understand his motives or what drove him to do so. It had taken Angelus a while to learn, well for both entities sharing Liam’s body to learn really. At first everything had been a battle, both shouting to be heard, to be in control. It was hard on both of them, Angelus only wanted to return home and tried to get his way by tormenting Angel and driving him to despair by showing him shocking images and making him remember and re-live events that he hadn’t even been present at the first time around.
It took them years to actually stop yelling and start listening to each other, to learn from each other and understand where the other was coming from, to draw skills, knowledge and strength from each other and become a powerful team. They stopped fighting each other; after all they were only hurting themselves in the long run.
Angelus helped Angel to work with and accept his new vampiric nature instead of terrorising him with it. Angel stopped skulking around, pulled himself together and blessedly (for Angelus) stopped feeding on rats and moved on to something else. Admittedly Angel usually went for the slightly ‘less vile than rat’ bagged stuff, but occasionally he’d treat Angelus and himself to either human or demon blood. Angel enjoyed the hunt as much as Angelus and had no problem or conscience with hunting down and drinking certain criminally undesirable types - not that anyone but the pair of them knew of course. Angelus didn’t care who Angel ate, just as long as was allowed to join the hunt and got fed.
Angel thought that Spike would never accept him as part of the deal. It was Angelus he was after, only Angelus. He’d surely see Angel as an embarrassment, a fake, an impostor and certainly no comparison to his magnificent, beloved Angelus. Angel could also potentially cause problems for Spike and Dru within the demon community, what with killing select ones of them. Spike and Dru would most likely become targets to pay for Angel’s killing and a means by which Angel could be hurt. They were obviously doing fine on their own, they’d survived without him until now, why put them at risk or take that independence away from them?
Angel did the only thing he could do, what he thought was the right thing to do…he simply walked away.
Angelus thought differently and tried to persuade Angel to go back, to give them a chance. He was certain that Spike would take anything he was offered, do as he was told, take which ever Sire he was allowed and knew that Dru would follow his lead. But his pleas fell on deaf ears, ignored.
Angel’s thoughts were interrupted when Cordelia knocked on his door, “Angel, you awake?”
“Yeah, just about”
She cracked the door a little, just enough to speak through but not enough to invade their privacy. Actually it was more due to the fact that she didn’t want to risk knowing anything that them two might be doing, especially not with the noises that often came from this suite.
“Willow was just on the phone. It’s Joyce, she’s, um, well…she died early this morning. Willow thought you’d want to know. I’m Sorry Angel.”
“Um, ok, thanks for telling me.”
Cordelia closed the door and went back down to the lobby to work.
Lindsey stirred on Angel’s chest, “Is it time to get up already?” Lindsey had changed his sleeping habits to match Angel’s so that they could sleep together. It had been ages since he’d made the switch and yet his brain still wouldn’t accept the change.
“No baby, it’s not even noon yet, still got a few hours left.”
Lindsey picked up on Angel’s sombre mood, “You ok?”
“Yeah,” he kissed his forehead, “Linds, look love I’m sorry but I gonna need to go to Sunnydale after sundown. Willow phoned Cordy, Joyce died early this morning.”
“Why do you need to go?” Lindsey was instantly on the defensive, not liking the idea of Angel going anywhere near Buffy.
“To see Buffy, I don’t want to just phone and say I’m sorry, you know. It’s not right, besides she’d expect it.”
“Yeah, but it’s not your job to do that anymore.”
“I know, but….Linds, please I have to go ok?”
“Alright, but I’m coming with you.”
“No, it’s better if I go alone.”
“What? You want to go see Buffy alone? I don’t think so!” he said incredulously raising himself higher to stare at Angel, a scowl clearly evident on his face.
“She’s been through a lot recently, and now this with Joyce. She’s got her friends, but she hasn’t really got ‘anyone’ if you know what I mean.”
“And I suppose you’re gonna be that someone huh?” He collapsed huffily back down on to Angel’s chest, “Start off all comforting and then she’ll be like ‘Oh Angel….” he took on an overly effeminate and breathy tone.
“No,” Angel interrupted, “it’s not like that at all. I don’t feel anything for her now, well I do, I mean I care about her still but that’s it. I’m with you love. Anyway, you didn’t let me finish. I was going to say that I didn’t want to rub her nose in it by turning up with the…” Angel tilted Lindsey’s face upwards to meet his own and punctuated each of his next words with a kiss, “sexiest man alive on my arm,” he finished, claiming Lindsey’s mouth fully with his own and sneaking his tongue gently inside. Angel backed off and smiled at Lindsey, who smiled back at him.
“I could wait in the car while you…” he grinned.
“Lin…” Angel actually whined.
Oh, alright then,” Lindsey snapped a little, giving in all too easily, “but I don’t like it!”
“Thank you,” said Angel graciously, “I’ll go at sundown, stay a couple of hours and then come straight home. I’ll be back tonight ok?”
“Ok,” he replied with a yawn, too tired to really argue anyhow and shifting his body so that he could snuggle back down against Angel’s chest.
Angel wrapped his arms around Lindsey, and wiggled about getting comfortable too, “I love you Linds.”
“Love you too,” Lindsey mumbled, sleep already taking hold.
They both slept peacefully, holding each other close.
***
Angel and Lindsey had become an item after having been inadvertently thrown together on the same case, working on the same side for once.
Lindsey had been trying to trace where his ‘evil hand’ had come from and Angel was following one of Cordelia’s visions, both finding that their paths crossed as they tracked the same leads and realised that their agendas meshed and would reach identical conclusions.
Angel knew that Lindsey wouldn’t stand much chance if he went this alone, plus he might blow Angel’s chances of success in the process and so he chose to join forces with him. Angel might not have been overly keen on him, well his actions at least what with Lindsey previously having focused all of his efforts on making Angel’s life hell. But he wouldn’t leave him to get hurt.
Angel saw another side to Lindsey as he let his guard down, whilst they worked together rescuing as many people as they could from Wolfram and Hart’s horrific ‘spare body parts’ storage facility, and bringing final rest to those whom they could do nothing more for. He’d knew deep inside that Lindsey wasn’t as heartless and hard as he set himself up to be. There was something about him, something familiar and easy to read if you recognised the signs. Familiar if your alternate counterpart had a childe that acted in precisely the same way, if that childe was William.
And wasn’t that why Lindsey had survived this far? Angel had fought countless things more powerful than even himself and won. If he’d wanted Lindsey gone it would have taken no effort at all to dispense of him. If he’d wanted to get to him he could have, but instead he put up with the irritations that Lindsey worked so hard to exercise upon him, after all that’s all they were, irritations. Admittedly the last one had almost gone too far and Angel had retaliated lashing out and taking Lindsey’s hand, cruel yes, but it could so easily have taken his life instead.
Mission accomplished and survivors delivered to the hospital, Angel drove Lindsey home.
Lindsey was silent for the entire journey, lost in thoughts about having seen ‘his’ company in action, re-living how they treated him and generally mulling over his life, or severe lack of it.
“Here we are then,” stated Angel as he pulled up outside Lindsey’s apartment. When he didn’t make a move to leave the car, Angel turned to face him and was surprised to see Lindsey starring straight ahead, totally lost and blank expression and shaking.
“Lindsey?” Angel asked, trying to break through to the lawyer.
Suddenly and without warning, Lindsey threw himself into Angel’s arms, adding to the vampire’s surprise, and proceeded to bury his head into Angel’s chest. Lindsey continued to shake violently, crying now as he continued repeating, “I can’t… I can’t… I can’t,” over and over again. Angel held him.
As if only just realising what he was doing, Lindsey tried hopelessly to gain control of himself and made to pull away from Angel, “sorry, I don’t know why I…”
“No, shhh, it’s ok,” Angel heard himself say as he instinctively wrapped his arms tighter around Lindsey, pulling him even closer, he spoke softly and began to rock back and forth trying to calm the lawyer. Lindsey couldn’t believe how he himself was behaving or the fact that Angel was being nice to him, trying to comfort him and that broke him all the more. There was no end to his tears now, he just couldn’t seem to pull away and really didn’t want to, he felt….safe, yes safe and he couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt that way.
“Shhh, shhh it’s ok. I’ve got you, I’ve got you Linds.”
“Hello! Lindsey McDonald! Evil lawyer guy, mortal enemy! Remember?” Cordelia’s voice somehow sneaked into his consciousness.
Angel ignored it, something about this just felt right, natural. He couldn’t help but bury his face into Lindsey’s soft hair, stroking and running his fingers through it. It had been years since he’d touched anyone, since anyone had touched him. He’d longed to be touched for so long, but had denied himself feeling that he didn’t deserve it. His reasoning was not for committing acts against faceless strangers, no that was Angelus, not him and he honestly couldn’t blame him. That was his nature and Angel accepted that, he couldn’t really expect Angelus to fight his against it. Angel was not so different from Angelus. They had the same urges and passions, it was just the way in which they acted upon them that was different, that made one appear good while the other appeared bad, made one right and one wrong depending on who was viewing them. No, he wasn’t punishing himself over those unfortunates that had died at Angelus’ hands, but over his trespasses against Angelus and his childer, his family. Only now he couldn’t help himself and he wasn’t going to pretend that he didn’t know why it was that he was giving in to touching Lindsey, or why he wasn’t being forced by Angelus to stop.
Lindsey was so much like Angelus’ boy William, wearing the same hard exterior and ‘don’t mess’ attitude that was now softening in Angel’s presence, just as Angelus’ childe used to do in his. Angel was flooded with memories of William, remembering how he had held his boy in this way, comforting him, many times before. He drifted back years as he unconsciously began to purr softly from deep inside his chest, something he used to do to comfort his Will. His Will? Yes, he regarded William as his own even though by rights he belonged to the demon sharing this body with him.
Angel placed a finger gently beneath Lindsey’s chin and lifted his tear stained face to look up into his own. In Lindsey’s sad eyes Angel saw through to the very depths of his unguarded soul. He could see a lifetime of pain, hurt and loss. He could see his utter helplessness, overwhelming confusion and defeat. Everything was just too much for Lindsey. Life had always dealt him the shit hand. Walls were closing in on him and he couldn’t find the way out. It seemed that it would be easier to quit this game of life, just give up, but the thought of what might be waiting for him beyond, with everything he’d done and what Wolfram and Hart might have planned for him, scared him. What would be the point of leaving one familiar hell, to end up in an unknown one?
Angel leaned into Lindsey’s face and gently, methodically licked away all traces of his tears. Lindsey’s breathing calmed and his eyes fell closed as he relaxed and let Angel carry out his ministrations. Angel gently moved in to steal a soft kiss from Lindsey’s lips then pulled away a fraction, resting his forehead against Lindsey’s. Clear blue eyes met his deep brown ones and Angel caught a sharp surprised breath as, shocked for a split second, he was felt he was truly looking into the familiar eyes of his boy William. Eyes that had changed now to reflect a glimmer of hope and were flooded with need, want and longing.
“It’ll be alright Linds…your coming home with me,” although soft, his tone gave no edge for argument.
“Why?” asked Lindsey, his voice barely a whisper; not that he didn’t want it. That’s exactly what he wanted right now, to feel safe. But he couldn’t understand why Angel would even consider helping him after all that he’d done.
“Because you need me,” adding softly, “and I need you…..my boy,” the last two words spoken silently inside his head. ‘I won’t let you go this time,’ he thought.
***
Lindsey sat on the couch in Angel’s suite, kicking his boots off and making himself comfortable as he’d been told to do, while Angel busied himself making coffee.
Putting both cups on the table, Angel sat down next to Lindsey, ready to listen to whatever he had to say and try to help him. As soon as he sat down he realised that the two-seater wasn’t as big as he thought it was, at least not the way in which Lindsey was sitting. Their thighs pressed against each others, but neither attempted to move.
Angel waited for Lindsey to speak as the pair of them sat in an awkward, although not uncomfortable silence. Things had been easier in the car, emotions running high and taking over, but now calmer it didn’t seem as easy. Angel broke the silence, “So…?”
“Yeah,” sighed Lindsey, also not knowing what to say.
“Um, so you want to talk, tell me what’s wrong?” Angel offered.
Lindsey starred at his hands, “I don’t…I don’t really know myself. It’s just, well just,” Lindsey stumbled to find the right words, shuffling his hands around in front of him as if trying to reign in his feelings and make them make sense.
“I don’t know, it’s everything and yet nothing specific all at the same time, I just…it’s all too much, too mixed up, I, I don’t know,” he sighed and let his hands fall in defeat, not able to explain using words.
Right now, he didn’t care about pretending to be the hard arse lawyer. He was tired of that game and besides he’d already crumbled in front of Angel in the car, it was too late to get his dignity back now. He decided to be honest and ask for what he wanted, follow the thoughts that came naturally to him for once. “Please Angel…just hold me?” he finished softly, raising his head to look up and into Angel’s face, his longish hair partially covering his eyes that were again filled with longing, hoping that Angel might accept him.
“Of course,” Angel hushed.
Angel moved forward taking Lindsey into his arms and holding him close as Lindsey rubbed his head in against Angel’s chest, feeling safe, feeling ….loved? He slowly raised his head, looking again into Angel’s face and found him softly smiling down at him. He hesitantly smiled back and Angel bent forward to kiss him gently. He begged entrance to Lindsey’s mouth, licking ever so gently along his bottom lip, and Lindsey gave it, opening his mouth wider and allowing Angel to sneak his tongue inside and deepen the kiss. Angel delicately explored Lindsey’s mouth, savouring his taste, and was delighted when Lindsey took the same interest in him. They kissed, slow and deep both softly moaning at the pleasure and comfort being given and received, an unfamiliar sensation for either of them recently.
Passion increasing, Angel nudged and tapped Lindsey’s butt until he got the message that Angel was trying to send to him to sit across his lap. Lindsey complied shifting and raising himself to straddle Angel, then as he lowered his weight, Angel grasped his hips and pulled him in as close and tight as he could. Both men were hard and each felt the others excited cock pressed against their own. With this realisation they both smiled into the kiss and deepened it further, excitement stepping up another notch.
Lindsey boldly put one hand behind Angel’s head, making sure that he couldn’t escape as he now tried to devour him, delving his tongue deep into the vampire’s mouth. Angel moaned harder into the kiss, swept his hands all the way down the lawyer’s back and took hold of his hips firmly. He then shifted his weight forward and stood, keeping hold of Lindsey so that he lifted him as he rose. Lindsey wrapped his legs around Angel’s waist and allowed himself to be carried through to the bedroom. Angel awkwardly toed off his shoes and hurriedly kicked them out of the way.
Still locked together, Angel lowered Lindsey onto the bed keeping one arm around the lawyer so as not to drop him, and the other on the bed to steady himself. They shifted a little upon meeting the bed so that Angel lay between Lindsey’s open legs, taking his weight on his arms either side of the lawyer’s head, careful not to crush him. It was Angel who broke the kiss leaving Lindsey gasping for air.
“Linds,” he whispered breathing heavily himself, “do you want this?” He had to ask, had to be sure.
“Yes,” Lindsey murmured softly on an outward breath, “Oh yes.”
Angel’s shifted to straddle Lindsey as he lay flat against the bed, his eyes full of lust. He took pleasure in following the line of shirt buttons downwards, opening each in turn and slowly smoothing the material outwards across Lindsey’s chest as inch by perfect inch of smooth skin was revealed to him. Finishing his task, he gently brushed the shirt as far back as he could and watched his own fingers in amazement as he explored Lindsey’s chest, tracing patterns across hard muscles.
Angel settled his weight backwards to sit up straight over Lindsey and began to undo the buttons on his own shirt. His hands were caught by Lindsey’s who took over the task for him, taking as much care as Angel had done moments before. Lindsey shuffled himself back just a little under Angel, allowing him the space to sit up chest to chest with him. They kissed again as Lindsey slid his hands up the muscled expanse of Angel’s chest, running up over his shoulders then down his arms to remove the shirt completely, caressing Angel’s body all the way. All the while, Angel had mirrored the same actions upon Lindsey removing his shirt too.
Lindsey redirected his kiss from Angel’s mouth, trailing little kisses down the column of his neck and down to the firm chest below. He placed feather light kisses across Angel’s chest, making his way across to one nipple, pulling it into his mouth and sucking gently. Angel hissed in pleasure, throwing his head back, which brought his hips forward, rocking up against Lindsey. Lindsey released his suction on the nipple, and swished his tongue back and forth, flicking over and around the hard nub before licking his way across to the other and giving it the same attention, causing Angel to moan louder. The blonde continued working Angel’s chest as the vampire leaned forward nuzzling into the lawyers neck sweeping his tongue across the sweet skin kissing and suckling as he leaned his weight onto Lindsey forcing him to lie back down on the bed once more.
Angel reached down and unzipped Lindsey’s pants and moved them part way down his hips. He released his mouth from Lindsey’s neck and moved down his body to remove his pants and shorts fully. Lindsey raised his hips to help and Angel took the socks along with him as he slipped the bundle of clothing off over Lindsey’s feet.
Angel allowed his eyes to roam over the perfect body before him as he slinked back off of the bed, standing to remove his own pants, shorts and socks quickly, before lying back beside Lindsey on the bed. Again they kissed, letting their hands run over one another’s naked bodies. Angel snaked his hand down Lindsey’s body, gently encouraging the lawyer to move his legs a little wider by tapping at the inside of his thighs. Then he tugged softly at Lindsey’s thighs until he had his knees bent up and his feet flat on the bed. Angel thoroughly slicked one finger in his mouth. He slid his hand along the sensitive inside of one thigh, moving towards the lawyer’s hidden entrance, when Lindsey suddenly froze, broke the kiss and let out “Angel,” on a hitched breath.
Angel looked at Lindsey, confused a little but guessing that Lindsey had changed his mind.
“Angel,” Lindsey repeated much softer seeing the look on Angel’s face, “Angel, I’ve never…um…”
“No?” Angel questioned quirking his brow, realising that Lindsey didn’t want to stop, but was perhaps a just little afraid or unsure of what to do.
“Well, never with a man,” Lindsey confirmed.
“It’s ok Linds, we’ll go slow. I’ll be gentle, I promise,” Angel comforted him, smiling gently before placing a kiss upon his lips.
“Turn over,” he said softly. Lindsey did as he was told, and obeyed Angel’s hands guiding him to rise on to his hands and knees with his legs spread wide until Angel was kneeling behind him between them. Bending forward Angel spent a while rubbing the tension out of Lindsey’s shoulders and back until he felt him relax. All the while he’d explored the same area with his mouth, licking and kissing, delighting in the sounds of pleasure Lindsey made in response. Finally he trailed his tongue down along Lindsey’s spine and down a buttock, causing Lindsey to shiver at the ticklish and yet not unpleasant feeling.
Angel made his way back upwards, with a firm, smooth, slow lick following the line of Lindsey’s heavy sac, gaining himself a throaty groan from Lindsey. He continued to move upwards, licking and flicking his tongue around and over Lindsey’s opening. Lindsey let his arms give way, dropping his head to the bed and causing his arse to be pushed back further towards ‘that’ tongue, moaning and groaning at this totally new sensation. No one had ever done this to him before and it felt so good.
Angel rolled his tongue in on itself and slid it inside Lindsey smoothly, wiggling against the muscles now clenching around him as he tried to penetrate further. “Oh fucking hell Angggellll,” Lindsey groaned loudly at the intrusion, going wild, breathing hard and trying his best to relax and let Angel in. As Lindsey relaxed Angel began to expertly tongue fuck him, driving the lawyer crazy and causing him to murmur nonsensically.
Lindsey made a noise of protest as Angel slipped his tongue back out, but groaned as he felt Angel once again tracing his tongue over his sac. Angel swiftly rolled on to his back so that he was now inverted with his head between Lindsey’s spread knees. He pulled Lindsey’s hips down a little lower towards his face so that he could suckle at his balls, taking each globe into his mouth in turn, kissing and licking. Then he pushed Lindsey to rise a little again as he shifted below him to lick his way along the hard shaft before him, swirling and flicking his tongue across the head as he reached it and delving into the tiny slit.
Angel continued to work Lindsey’s cock, sliding his cool mouth up and down the shaft, pushing the foreskin down with his lips then sucking it hard back into place on the upstroke, or what was the upstroke from his point of view, whilst swirling his tongue around the girth and ever so gently scraping his blunt teeth along the underside. Angel held Lindsey, trembling above him with need, firmly by the hips all the while, preventing him from thrusting into his mouth as he alternated and experimented with various techniques.
Eventually Angel released his hold on Lindsey’s hips as he moved one hand to his balls, letting the weight of them rest heavily in his hand as he massaged, rolled, gently tugged and stroked at them, occasionally dragging his nails almost imperceptibly against the velvety skin. Free to move, Lindsey began to rock his hips against Angel, he tried so hard not to go mad with the thrusting thinking of Angel below him, but it was difficult. He needn’t have worried as he soon felt Angel’s free hand against him pulling him closer and taking Lindsey deep, deep into his throat and sucking harder. It was too much for Lindsey, he couldn’t help himself as he began to thrust into Angel’s mouth.
Angel worked him hard and fast. Knowing that Lindsey was so far lost to the sensations, he was able to easily slip a finger on his other hand into Lindsey’s opening. He heard Lindsey gasp and then moan in pleasure as Angel continued working his cock with his mouth, toyed with his sac in one hand and pumped into his arse with the other. It was when Angel applied firm, stroking pressure to Lindsey’s prostate that he completely lost the last restraints of control he had over his body. He fucked Angel’s mouth furiously and bucked wildly against Angel’s finger, growling, grunting and moaning.
“Oh shit, shit, fuck, fuck, fuuccckkkkk, Angggeeelll,” he screamed, hands grasping at the bed sheets, body tensing and stilling, as he shot his load into Angel’s willing mouth. The vampire greedily suckled until he had consumed every drop that Lindsey had to give. He slipped his finger carefully out of Lindsey’s body, exciting him again with the feeling of being exited.
“Oh Angel, Oh Angel,” Lindsey repeated in a whisper as he came down from his orgasm. He rolled off of Angel and collapsed onto his back on the bed, breathing hard, gasping for air.
“That was….” He began breathily as Angel moved to lie beside him.
“I know,” answered Angel with a huge ‘good aren’t I’ smile on his face. He rolled towards Lindsey as he moved in to kiss him. Lindsey was now aware of Angel’s hard… painfully hard and unsatisfied cock pressing into his thigh. He pulled at Angel willing him to sit back over him, which Angel then did, straddling Lindsey’s thighs. He took hold of Angel’s cock in a loose fist and began to slowly slide his fist up and down the length. Lindsey encouraged Angel to set his own pace as he tightened his grip a little. He thought Angel looked like a god above him, his eyes closed in pleasure, body hard and firm with the muscles rippling as he rocked his hips gently back and fourth pumping his large length in and out of Lindsey’s hand, softly moaning at the sensations. Lindsey dropped his gaze and watched fascinated as Angel’s uncut cock disappeared back into his fist and then thrust out forwards again, the sight alone causing him to get hard himself once more. Lindsey used his other hand to cup Angel’s balls, massaging and rolling them making Angel throw his head back and moan louder.
“Angel?” he said softly.
“Hmmmm?” responded Angel, the end of the word lost turning into a sigh of pleasure.
“Please? Now?” he whispered.
Angel scooted up Lindsey’s body and sat astride his face, cock resting against Lindsey’s lips waiting to be granted entrance.
Lindsey’s tongue swooped out and took a sweeping lick over and around the head, ‘not what I had in mind, but what the hell, it’s just as good,’ he thought as he strained his neck up off the bed to take the tip into his mouth. Angel caught the hidden confusion in Lindsey’s eyes before he had closed them relishing in his first taste of cock.
“Linds…ahh….I know…hmm…what you want…ohh, just…ahh…though you might….aah….want to….help….slick…..ahh…me up….first…ahhhh.”
Realisation dawned on Lindsey as he strived to take Angel’s cock in his mouth, making him slick with saliva. It wasn’t the easiest position for Lindsey to make his debut in giving head, but still he tried and Angel wasn’t disappointed, groaning with the pleasure of being teased by a warm mouth. Angel could feel Lindsey struggling with this position. Stupidly he hadn’t thought about his inexperience as he’d just slipped into much older habits and so instead slid down his body and positioned himself between Lindsey’s open legs.
“Wait, I might…..” he said aloud although to himself, leaning across Lindsey’s chest reaching into the bedside drawer and rummaging around, “ah,” he said finding what he was looking for. He produced a small tube of lube that he kept for the sole purpose of entertaining himself with his own hands, being that he hadn’t been with anyone since that ‘yeah baby I’m back’ time with Buffy.
That wasn’t going to happen this time. The only reason that it happened last time was that Angelus had been so pissed at Angel, so full of rage that he slipped back into his old ways of fighting with him…and Angel had fought back. They tormented and beat each other down until neither was totally in control, producing a semi-insane and angry creature.
***
It had worked Angelus up that he wasn’t allowed his boy and so he didn’t see why it was fair that Angel should be allowed this girl….and a Slayer at that. Angelus wasn’t going to allow Angel happiness when it meant that he would have to sit in the background sad and alone. Angelus hated Buffy, she killed his kind and he wanted to kill her with just as much passion. Angelus was mad at Angel for denying him what he needed and wanted; his two childer and yet taking what he wanted for himself - double standards!
Exhausted, they started talking again. They had no choice but to live with each other and so had to come to an agreement that they could both live with or else drive each other crazy. Angel considered things from Angelus’ point of view and reluctantly agreed to give up Buffy. Neither would have what or who they wanted…besides the other wouldn’t allow it. They would both suffer, miserable and alone…only not. They would still have each other for company as had been the way for so long before. The only way either would find happiness was to find someone who appealed to both of them, and they had found this with Lindsey. Both Angel and Angelus were in acceptance of the boy, they were in agreement.
There was no curse, well not as the others understood it anyway, as Giles had termed it. In truth, they were each others curse. Angel was Angelus’ curse as Angelus was Angel’s. Everyone had been mistaken with what the so called curse entailed.
The gypsies had assumed that Angelus was evil, that he was soulless…well they would, they were the prey after all, and what prey doesn’t think that its predator is bad? When really good or bad is all down to perception. It just depends where you stand in any situation and how the outcome will affect you.
The gypsies thought to perform and incantation that would give Angelus back that which he had lost, to torture and torment him…but how could something that he’d never lost be returned? Their spell only succeeded in giving back the soul that had originally inhabited the body, Liam, dropping him right there alongside Angelus.
It was the specific wording of the incantation that ensured that Liam held the higher percentage of control, only he wasn’t exactly Liam anymore, how could he be? So much had changed for him the instant he was thrown back into this shell. This new being shared all of Angelus memories, passions and urges just as Angelus has access to his. This being called himself Angel and was more powerful and had a stronger mind than Liam ever had, drawing strength and knowledge from Angelus experiences.
The gypsies were wrong in thinking that Angelus was ‘soulless’. What was a soul anyway? Angelus could love, he could care, he could be sympathetic, he could feel remorse…he could be hurt, he could cry. What he didn’t have was a selfless compassion or much of a conscience. His caring nature was directed only towards his family and didn’t extend beyond that. That’s where Angel was different, that’s where the two entities split rather than blended. Angel’s compassions extended to encompass strangers.
****
Lindsey watched as Angel kneeled between his legs and covered his own cock with the lube, stroking himself as he did so. He lifted his legs as Angel had instructed him earlier that night, knees bent and feet flat against the bed as Angel pushed two slick fingers inside his channel, stretching and preparing him gently. Lindsey arched and squirmed against the wanted intrusion trying to fuck himself on Angel’s fingers once again. Angel’s fingers retreated and were replaced with the head of his cock resting against Lindsey’s opening. He lifted Lindsey’s hips, rolling them back and angling him better. Then he began to push his way into Lindsey’s welcoming arse.
Angel entered slowly, soothing Lindsey with soft words, sliding his cock in inch by inch. Waiting for Lindsey to get accustomed to the invasion every step of the way. Angel leaned forward and began to kiss Lindsey deeply, as he continued to push in further. It helped Lindsey to relax and before long Angel was granted full entrance, sliding in to the hilt. Angel started with slow long thrusts allowing Lindsey to still become used to the feeling. It was taking all his self control not to simply slam hard into Lindsey’s extremely tight virgin arse and flood him. He didn’t have to wait long as Lindsey soon wanted more. He wrapped his legs tightly around Angel waist and began pulling him in closer, harder, picking up the pace and pushing hard back against Angel. Angel reached down and took hold of Lindsey’s cock, pumping and matching the same punishing speed that his cock was now thrusting at.
Lindsey felt Angel’s body falter then tense as he drew nearer to orgasm, pressure building, closer and closer now, keeping his eyes wide open and staring down into Lindsey’s.
“Say my name,” Lindsey whispered.
“Li…liiii….linnn,” Angel tried, but approaching the point of final release he just couldn’t get the words out. “Oh Liiinnnseyyyyyyy,” he finally managed as he bucked jerkily and came hard, flooding Lindsey and still staring wide eyed at him the entire time.
“Lindsey, Lindsey, Lindsey,” he repeated clearly, finally allowing his eyes to close, as he rode out the continuing wave of fluttering pleasure, falling from his powerful high, but still managing to pump Lindsey hard with his hand.
Hearing his own name fall from Angel’s lips pushed Lindsey over the edge. He came hard spilling himself over his and Angel’s stomachs and chests. “Anngelll,” he breathed softly as he too floated down from his orgasmic high.
Exhausted, the pair shifted and wiggled, scooting around until they were under the covers. Lindsey snuggled against Angel, holding him tightly in place with one arm across his chest, allowing a leg to drape over Angel’s, lest he tried to escape it seemed.
As sleep began to take hold of them, Angel spoke to Lindsey softly, almost shyly, “Stay with me?” he asked his voice full of hope and longing, he didn’t need to add the word ‘forever’ at the end, Lindsey knew what he meant. Angel wasn’t going to vamp him, but wanted Lindsey to be his, to live with him, to be his partner.
“Always,” replied Lindsey just as softly, and he meant it. Sure they’d only just been together this one time, and they’d played at being enemies for as long as they’d known each other. Yet somehow this was just right, they had both wanted each other wholly since the time that they had first laid eyes on each other and now was the time for honesty. Now was the time to stop playing, to grow up and accept that this was the way it was supposed to be.
Angelus was content too, this wasn’t his boy and yet he felt so similar. He could love Lindsey, although he wouldn’t allow him to simply waltz in and take William place, he was irreplaceable, and yet even so Lindsey would be more than just a substitute. The largest part of Angelus’ heart would always be reserved for William. He would always love his childe. Angelus’ heart was full. William, Dru, Angel and now Lindsey were the only ones he was willing to love. He had no more space left to give. For him those four were everything, he had everything he wanted, he needed no one else.
After that night, Lindsey moved in with Angel, never returning to Wolfram and Hart. They eventually found out what had happened to their golden boy, but didn’t dare to touch him whilst under Angel’s protection. Of course, W&H didn’t know everything… only that Lindsey had joined Angel’s team, but they had their suspicions.
***
Lindsey proved to be an invaluable asset to Angel Investigations what with his experience and all. He worked so hard to gain the trust of the others and slowly they accepted him. They now looked upon him as one of their own. How could they not forgive him his past, they had done so for Angel hadn’t they?
It was Cordelia who had found out about Angel and Lindsey relationship first, her who discovered them in bed together after their first night.
Not coming down to the office when he should have, Cordelia went upstairs to check on Angel and getting no answer, let herself into his suite and ventured into his bedroom. Poking her head around the door she came face to face with the image of Angel and Lindsey asleep in a tangled heap and quickly made her way out of the apartment and down the stairs.
Angel had woken to find Cordelia, Wes and Gunn all standing around his bed armed with crossbows, stakes, holy water and crucifixes galore all pointed at him and the still sleeping lawyer.
“Are you him?” Cordelia asked flatly.
“Cordelia, it’s highly unlikely that he’d answer yes to that,” chimed in Wes then as a second thought added, “unless he wanted us to know before he killed, um, yes…are you him?” He directed at Angel nervously.
“Wes, it’s me, Angel.”
“Yeah that’s just what you would say,” threw in Gunn as three faces scrutinized Angel and held onto their weapons more firmly.
“Well, what am I supposed to say?” Angel sighed defeated. “Cordy…” he almost whined as he looked up at her willing him to believe him, now less aware of the threat posed to him and instead more aware that he was naked in bed and with company. He pulled the covers tighter around the pair of them.
Yes this had to be their Angel. It helped that he was embarrassed as they didn’t think Angelus would have been. Also the fact that Lindsey had now woken up, disturbed by Angel’s movements, and was clinging onto Angel for dear life from these crazies with the weapons, suggested that the lawyer at least trusted him - although to them, that was strange in itself. Their final confirmation came when Angel actually tried to comfort and protect Lindsey, it just wasn’t a very Angelus thing to do, or so they assumed. In fact Angelus was right there, ready and willing to protect Angel and Lindsey if need be.
What Angel didn’t tell them was that Angelus was no threat to them anyway and never would be, well as long as they didn’t threaten Angel and since last night, Lindsey too. Angelus accepted Angel’s human pets, seeing the way that they cared for him. This ensured that they would be granted his protection if it ever came to it, not that he cared for them one way or the other himself, he’d simply do it for Angel’s sake.
Angel didn’t feel that they needed to know anything of Angelus’ permanent presence. He had never told anyone and didn’t want to start now. They liked to think that Angel was Angel and no more. It made them happy to believe this, to them Angelus was evil and that’s all there was to it. They wouldn’t and couldn’t understand the reality of the situation. Angel didn’t want them freaking out, it was better left this way, keeping them in the blissful state of ignorance., yep, that’s right, just Angel in this body…honest!
Angel and Lindsey had both been embarrassed at being discovered in such
a way, but on the upside, at least they didn’t have to worry about telling
the others of their new relationship. The team however, weren’t impressed
with Angel’s choice of partner, and didn’t warm to Lindsey for quite some
time.
Sunnydale CA
Spike walked towards the Summer’s house and was surprised to find Buffy sitting on the steps outside, her face worn, full of sadness and starring off into space. Spike just stood, silently looking down at Buffy. Aware of his presence she looked up towards him, eyes shining with tears that she refused to let fall. She felt that she had to explain herself and spoke softly, “It’s Mum.” No more words were needed. Spike instinctively knew then that Joyce had died.
“No,” Spike screamed on the inside. He felt weak, felt like dropping to his knees, crying, howling. He wanted to be held, touched, comforted, he wanted… his Sire. Outwardly, Spike maintained his composure.
Even after all that Buffy had put him through, taunting him, humiliating him and hurting him, he still felt her pain. “I’m sorry,” he offered softly as he sat down beside her. It wasn’t enough but he didn’t really know what to do, what to say. He felt helpless, shocked. Hesitantly, timidly, Spike reached out towards Buffy and gently stroked her shoulder. He was surprised when she turned towards him, moved closer and rested her head upon his chest, accepting the comfort that he was offering. The pair sat in silence. In the same way as Spike had done with Dru many times, he played the role of protector, played at being the strong one. In truth, he took as much comfort as he gave, relishing in the contact even though he would never admit to it.
Buffy let her emotions take control as she finally let herself cry, hugging Spike tighter as he pulled her closer. His throat was burning and felt tight as he swallowed hard, forcing back down any sobs that might find their way out otherwise. His eyes stung as he held onto tears that threatened to fall. He took a deep breath, and as he did so, caught his Sire’s scent. It was faint, hidden under Buffy’s own but still there nonetheless. Spike realised then that Buffy was wearing Angel’s old leather coat, he must have given it to her.
Spike closed his eyes, straining to keep hold of Angelus’ scent as he led his mind to believe that his Sire was there. Gently, reverently, he stroked the leather that hung across Buffy’s back, as if he might somehow be able to feel his Sire hidden in there. In response to his stroking, Buffy unconsciously slipped her hands inside his duster and up under his T-shirt. She began to rub small circles upon his back. It broke the illusion, it couldn’t be Angelus. The hands rubbing him were too small, too smooth, too warm, and much too soft, although just as gentle. Spike screwed his eyes even tighter, tried harder, until his senses became filled with Angelus. Spike’s imagination was running away with him, he could feel Angelus’ presence surrounding him strongly, his scent hung heavy in the air and Spike could even taste him on the breeze.
“Buffy?” Angel’s smooth voice startled the pair, causing both Buffy and Spike to shoot their heads up in his direction. Buffy shoved Spike aside, forgetting about him as she ran and flung herself into Angel’s arms where he gathered her up in his strong embrace. “Willow phoned me,” he told her. “I’m so sorry Buffy.”
Spike rose to his feet. He no longer cared about keeping up pretences, he just couldn’t do it. He didn’t care who saw him now as hot tears filled his eyes and began to roll silently down his face. Buffy was oblivious to him, but Angel could clearly see him over the top of Buffy’s head and held his gaze. He looked at his childe, his face showing a whole multitude of emotions, pain, hurt, jealousy and need, need for him, pleading. Angel’s heart went out to him. He wanted to hold his boy, shower all his love on him and take his pain away.
Buffy mumbled something into Angel’s chest and for less than a fraction of a second Angel broke his gaze from his childe and looked down at the top of Buffy’s head, as if it would make him hear what she had just said. He flicked his eyes back up again and Spike was already gone. Angel wanted to go after him, Angelus wanted to go after him, they should go after him but Angel felt obliged to stay with Buffy for a while, that is why he’d come after all. They’d go and look for Spike afterwards.
***
Spike ran and ran, tears streaming down his face now as he felt his Sire’s rejection yet again, wrapped up with his grief for Joyce and pulling in each and every single thing that had made his life so miserable lately. He could hear familiar voices echoing in his head, taunting him, reminding him of all that he had suffered recently and all that he had lost. Everything was so loud inside, whirling at a tremendous speed, overwhelming him, driving him crazy. He didn’t think about where he was going but either out of instinct or simply out of habit, Spike found himself running inside the mansion and up towards Angel’s bedroom.
Angel’s scent invaded his senses and a sudden calm washed over him, halting his crying and raging thoughts, as he suddenly saw everything clearly and knew what he had to do. There was nothing left for him now, he knew that already but he’d still harboured hopes, now those were dashed too. Did he finally have the strength to take his own life? Yes….but not here. If he was going to go he wanted to feel warm, just once more, even it was to be in the form of deadly sunrays instead of inner warmth from a loving Sire or a devoted sister.
With eerily calm, he pulled the bed from the wall to reveal the hidden
room and stepped inside. Sitting down at the desk in there he reached for
his book, opened it wrote simply,
Goodbye Sire,
No more pain. I can’t take it anymore.
With my love forever and ever,
your precious Will
He put the book back upon the shelf next to the others and reached for his old friend JD from the shelf above, he’d already helped himself to Angel’s whiskey long ago. Miss Edith looked down at him from her place on the shelf. “You coming?” he asked her. “Well, come on then,” he spoke softly, lifting her down carefully.
He left the small room, concealing its existence once again as he pushed the bed back into place. Spike went to leave, taking one last look around Angel’s bedroom before whispering back into the emptiness, “Goodbye Sire,” then he left closing the door behind him as always.
Spike made his way down the stairs, opened the front door and put the key back in its usual hiding place above the doorframe. Coming back inside he made his way to and through the kitchen, heading down more stairs and into the garage where he had been storing his car. Today he wouldn’t be walking out through the front and back to his crypt as he always did.
Spike sat in the car, silently in a trance for a few moments as if listening to something, before he attempted to start it. “Well what am I supposed to do?” he murmured to no one as he turned the key in the ignition. The car started first time, the hum of the engine suddenly drowned out as the stereo kicked in, startling Spike as it blasted out, “Wake up, grab a brush and put a little make-up, hide the scars to fade away the shake-up…” he turned the volume down a notch and ran the words through his head, a small smile spreading across his face. “Is that it love?” he again asked no one, “Is that what you want?” Then he turned his attention to the stereo, “Ok, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do mate,” he answered the singer, “time to re-vamp this vamp I think…and get this bloody chip outta my head!” With that he grabbed the remote off of the dash to open the garage door, driving out into the night, leaving his old life behind yet again, ready to reinvent himself once more. He grinned at Miss Edith sitting quietly in the passenger seat beside him. He done it before, he’d do it again. He wasn’t going to surrender to ‘them’.
***
Having spent what he considered a reasonable amount of time with Buffy, Angel excused himself and then he and Angelus went in search of their childe. They had searched for the entire night but still couldn’t find their boy. Angel could smell the dawn approaching and knew he didn’t have a chance of making it home now. He’d been too wrapped up looking for Spike to realise just how fast the time was slipping away from him. “Shit,” he said thinking of Lindsey sitting at home waiting for him, probably worried sick. “Shit,” he groaned again noticing that he’d accidentally switched off his cell phone, as he looked at it to dial home. The phone was answered instantly by a frantic Lindsey.
“Hey Linds.”
“Oh Angel,” he could hear the relief in Lindsey voice, “I’ve been trying to phone you, your cell was off, and…”
“I know. I only just realised. I must have pressed the wrong button after I let you know that I got here safe. Linds, I’m sorry but I didn’t realise it was so late…early… you know what I mean. And well, see, I’m still in Sunnydale. Look, I’m sorry baby but I’m gonna have to stay here until tonight ok. Yes I’m fine…no…what??? NO! I’m NOT staying with her! Yes my old mansion, I’m outside it now…no, still empty…I didn’t sell it remember? I did tell you…did…whatever! Yes I’m sure…Huh? ...Because I’d just know if anyone was in there. Yes, I’ve parked it in the garage ….what? No…something just came up, that’s all…no not ‘that!’……oh yeaahhh, hmm sounds good, I’ll hold you to that you know! No, nothing to worry about, we’ll talk when I get home. No, no, I’ll be fine, no point in you driving out here too, I’ll be back tonight…yes, I promise. I’ll leave as soon as the sun goes down….yes…yes…ok. Now get some sleep too, you sound tired….yes… I know…I said I was sorry!…ok, now go get some rest, I’ll need you all fresh and ready to go when I get home….yes….no….pervert! Miss you too….see you tonight…ok….love you too baby…no you hang up first…no you…ok then…bye….no you hang up….love you…see you later.”
Angel walked up the steps to the door, reached up to get the key from its hiding place. Not finding it on the first attempt as he always did, he shuffled his fingers further backwards, scooting them around trying to locate the key. “Ah,” he said finding it and letting himself in.
As soon as he opened the door he smelt a faint trace of Spike. ‘So that’s why the key had moved. Wonder what he was doing here,’ Angel thought, wandering off around the ground floor to see what Spike could have been up to. Everything was as he’d left it, only with the addition of a layer of dust. Puzzled, he headed up the stairs to have a look around, but as with the lower floor nothing had been touched. He headed up to the top floor, still nothing had been touched and nothing appeared to be missing. Then he opened the door to his bedroom and Spike’s scent hit him full on. It was heavy in the air, strong, recent, not residual from long ago as Angel had suspected from the faint smell that had lingered in the entrance hall.
The scent was sweet to both Angel and Angelus, so good. They breathed deeply letting their William fill their senses as Angel moved about his room, searching… ‘for what?’ he thought to himself. This room had been touched! In fact, Angel couldn’t see a single thing that Spike hadn’t touched. He had even been rummaging through the few clothes that Angel had left behind. He’d added things too, a couple of his T-shirts were mixed in with Angel’s clothes, a pack of cigarettes had been left on the dresser next to Dru’s hairbrush and ribbons, although it didn’t seem that she’d been here, Angel couldn’t scent her. The bin held more than a few empty beer bottles and crushed fag boxes. A small antique vase, full of dog-ends and ash, had obviously become converted into an ashtray. The curtains were closed, but didn’t need to be, Spike had been busy painting the windows black.
He looked down at the crumpled sheets, “Who’s been sleeping in my bed?” he said aloud…. “and….oh” he finished, having pulled back the covers to reveal further ‘hard evidence’ of Spike’s presence here.
‘Has he been living here or just using the place? Is he living here?’ Angel thought, and then his heart jumped as he realised that perhaps Spike would be coming back here, there was still had a little while to seek shelter before dawn. He’d get his chance to speak to him, to explain things to him and Spike wouldn’t be able to escape, lest he wanted to risk going up in smoke. That last statement worried him. The look on his boy’s face last night haunted his mind, so full of pain, silently crying out for comfort and then believing that he’d been denied it.
Sunrise came, but Spike didn’t. Angel lay in the now freshly made bed, trying to sleep, he was so tired but his mind was racing and wouldn’t let him rest. ‘Maybe a drink would help take the edge off,’ he thought, slipping out of the bed and pulling it from the wall to reveal the secret room where he had kept his precious aged Irish whiskey along with anything else he wanted kept from prying eyes.
As he opened the door and Spike’s scent poured out, Angel knew that he could kiss the hopes of finding his whisky intact goodbye. He continued inside to see what Spike had been up to in there. That’s when he saw the collection of books neatly lined up along the shelf. He pulled one down at random to see what it was, flicked it open and read the words ‘My dearest Sire…’ he realised at once what it was, even though it was not the book that he had presented to his William all those years ago. He froze; then stared disbelievingly at the sheer amount of books. He pulled another down, and another, followed by another, and sure enough each was filled with similar letters. William had continued his writing even after Angelus had left him. A lump rose in Angel’s throat and tears formed in his eyes. He looked along the line of books again, still not believing just how many there were, how many secrets filled these pages? How many years of…of what? Happiness? Doubtful considering what the original purpose of the books had been, but surely not this much hurt. It wasn’t possible….only, from his own pained existence, Angel knew that it was.
His eyes scanned the shelf once more spying this time, at what must have been the beginning of the collection, the book that Angelus himself had given to William. That did it, he couldn’t control the sobs or the tears that were escaping him, and yet he didn’t know where they were really coming from or what was making him this way. All he knew was that he felt an overwhelming sadness. He desperately wanted to read these letters meant for him, for Angelus, to know their Will again, read his thoughts, happy or sad. Yet at the same time, Angel was terrified to do so, scared of what he might find.
~~~*~~~
Angel was a wreck. He’d spent the entire day reading Spike’s journals. He’d shed so many tears, surely he shouldn’t have any left, at yet still they came. His un-beating heart must have shattered into a million pieces as he’d felt it break so many times.
He’d cried as he’d realised William’s pain when Angelus failed to return. How his hope had gradually faded yet the pain never lessened. How Will had reluctantly accepted that his Sire was dead, only to find out later that he and his sister had been abandoned. Only to be rejected a second time, and how that had broken his boy even further.
He read how Will had finally turned to his sister to accept the same comfort that he had showered upon her and how they had spent years seeking out their Sire. He learnt how his childer had carried on living for Angelus, trying to do what they thought he would want of them, things that he would be proud of. William had even killed a slayer in the name of Angelus, and Angel knew of another that obviously happened after Will had ceased writing, but didn’t doubt that this was done in his honour too.
He read how William had worked so hard to take care of Dru, how he had doted on her as he always had. He felt Spike’s pain at having his sister, the only thing that he had left to love and cling to, stolen away from him.
He learnt about Spike’s ‘chip’ and what its presence entailed. How Spike had survived for as long as he could before seeking help from the Scoobies. He read how the whole gang, including Buffy had beat on him, refused him food unless he worked hard for it, generally mistreated him, taunted him and humiliated him in any way they could, but took what they wanted from him when it suited them. Spike had never caused harm to any of them, true he did his damnedest to irritate them but he didn’t deserve the treatment that they were dishing out to him.
“Why didn’t someone tell me?” he screamed out to the empty room.
“Would you have listened?” Angelus spat spitefully at him, horrified by what he was reading alongside Angel.
“That’s not fair,” Angel sobbed, “I loved them too, I share all of your memories as if they were my own, you know that, you know why I didn’t return to them, why I couldn’t claim them, I….I,” he broke unable to finish.
“I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it,” Angelus tried to comfort him, “Please, read on…I have to know.”
As they continued to read, both Angel and Angelus were thankful for the compassion that Dawn and Joyce had shown towards Spike, without their light in his dark life, what’s to say that Spike wouldn’t have simply taken a walk in the sun?
Neither could bear to read how the entire Scooby team had laughed at Spike so many times, saying how his own sister couldn’t even stand to be near him anymore, not knowing (not that they would have cared anyway) the tremendous guilt that it caused their boy each and every time. Spike had written of how one night he had gone out hunting alone. It was raining hard and Dru wanted to stay inside saying something about not wanting hers and Miss Edith’s new dresses to get dirty or their pretty hair to get wet, so he let her stay.
He’d hunted alone before many times and would bring her something back as always. She knew the rules, don’t go out, don’t let anyone in and so on, and she always obeyed him. Sometimes too literally such as the time he had once told her to stay home and “don’t move,” only to find her still as a statue when he returned home in the same spot that she had been in when he left. Only this last time when he returned, she was gone.
He had tracked her, followed her scent and found himself in some sort of facility. Stealth on his side, he managed to move around the facility and found to his horror that it was some sort of military prison, some sort of centre for the entrapment and experimentation of demons.
Scarred out of his skin, he searched for Dru…and he found her. He couldn’t hold back the tears as he looked upon the broken body of his little Princess, lying on the floor. She was naked, in full game face and barely conscious, her beautiful face marred with cuts and bruises, her once smooth fangs smashed, her entire body beaten, even burned in several places and sickeningly, with huge chunks of flesh missing, torn from her. Her limbs had been broken, fingers individually snapped and nails pulled from their roots. She lay bleeding out in a huge pool of blood, so much that Spike couldn’t tell where it was all coming from. He could smell their filthy semen on her. The bastards had raped her too.
“My darling, my Spikey,” she whispered faintly, “I was a good girl. I told them I wasn’t allowed to leave our home, but they took me anyway. They had lightening and it hurt and it made me sleep. And I told them that they weren’t allowed to touch the ‘secret places’ on my body but they wouldn’t listen, I couldn’t stop them. I’m sorry.”
“I know my love. But you’ve nothing to be sorry for, none of this is your fault, none of it,” he comforted her, kneeling by her side but afraid to scoop her into his arms and cause more pain. He knew even as a vampire she would never heal from this. These…animals…knew what they were doing. She would die, slowly and painfully this way.
“Don’t cry,” she soothed him. “It’s not so sad. When I leave to go to the stars, Daddy will be waiting for me won’t he? To love me as you do?” His heart broke further at her words and anger welled inside him against Angelus. He knew that ‘Daddy dearest’ wouldn’t be waiting in the stars from his little Princess. That in reality he was as alive as a dead vamp could be, calling himself Angel and shagging the Slayer. He did something he’d never done before, he lied to her. He’d skipped around the truth before to protect her, but he’d never outright lied to her until now.
“Of course he will be my love,” he smiled softly at her through his tears.
“Spikey, I need you to do something for me. I need you to be my big brave knight. Please take my life. I want to go by your hand…with love. It hurts so much. Won’t you send me to Daddy?”
He couldn’t deny her, knew how much she was suffering. She wouldn’t suffer a moment longer no matter how much it would hurt him to be left behind alone. He’d never been alone. He looked about the room, but there was nothing in there that he could use. Nothing for the victims to use as weapons to defend themselves or end their own suffering he guessed. Taking Dru’s head so gently in his hands, he raised her head slightly and kissed her deeply, tasting her blood on his lips as he did so.
“Goodbye my love, I love you so very much” he whispered, smiling sadly at down at her.
“I love you,” she replied, smiling back up at him. She closed her eyes as he placed a gentle kiss on her lips then quickly and painlessly broke her neck. She crumbled to dust before his eyes.
He looked down at where she had lay, looked back at her ash coating his hands, sticking to her blood that was already on them. Anger filled his entire being and flowed from every pore. He would kill the bastards that had done this to her.
Spike stalked off down the corridor and stopped in his tracks when he heard voices in a room off to his right.
“…so she just keeps screaming spike, spike…so I ‘spiked’ her, gave it to her good and hard,” laughed one voice.
“You did it with that…that thing?”
“Well no use in wasting fuck meat eh?”
“I don’t know though, a vamp? That’s just…sick.”
“Didn’t even fight back…well not after I put her out of commission anyway. I’m surprised you didn’t hear her, screamed the fucking place down she did,” the first voice laughed again.
Before they even knew what had hit them, Spike was on them. He took out one, killed him instantly, smashing his nose upwards to penetrate his brain. The other wasn’t going to get off so lightly, the one who had tainted his sister.
Spike had the soldier boy pinned to the floor, “Now, much as I’d love to hear you scream, you’re not gonna get that chance mate.” Spike forced the soldier’s mouth open, grasped his tongue and simply ripped it out with ease. The soldier’s eyes flew wide open in shock, but he could only make gurgling and choking sounds as his own blood filled his throat.
“Now let me think,” Spike ignored the soldier’s struggles, kneeling down beside him, finger on chin as he pondered aloud, “What did you do to my sister, hmm?” The realisation that this was ‘the brother’ hit the soldier hard. His fear level peaked higher and went into a new dimension altogether. “Sorry, I don’t have much time to work with you, much as I’d like to make this last….” Spike worked quickly, taking pleasure in breaking each finger in several places before moving onto the limbs, shattering the bones easily. “Hey don’t you bloody well go passing out on me now,” said Spike angrily, slapping the downed soldier hard across the face, “the best is still to come,” he added menacingly.
It wasn’t long before soldier boy, was covered in bruises, torn open and cut deep by Spike’s nails over his entire body. “And now for the finale, you raped my sister and now it’s your turn…what?” He feigned listening to the boy, hearing the words that he imagined were running through the soldier’s mind, if indeed he were still capable of thinking anything beyond the pain. “Oh no, I’m not gonna do you, I wouldn’t touch your sorry arse with a barge pole…but I would with this,” said Spike holding up the same truncheon that the soldier had been wearing attached to his belt before the attack.
Spike removed the scraps of clothes that remained on the broken body after this thorough beating. Bored now, he moved the useless, boneless legs out of his way and rammed the truncheon home, ripping the soldier’s delicate insides instantly and causing the blood to flow freely. Again he thrust the object as hard as he possibly could, as far as he could, penetrating and rupturing the soldier’s gut with his effort. The searing pain caused the boy to finally blackout, it was surprising that he’d even lasted this long, he guessed it was something to do with their tolerance training. Spike didn’t feel any better for exacting this revenge. Nothing was going to take the hurt away. He got up and left the boy bleeding on the floor, truncheon still protruding from his body, he wouldn’t last long anyhow now.
Spike made his way unnoticed back out of the facility safely, only to be caught not even five minutes later. His captors didn’t know that he was the cause of the killing inside the centre, if indeed the body had even been discovered yet. Ane if it had, there were no witnesses to the killing of the guard, it could have been anyone.
The last memory Spike had was of being hit by a high voltage current. Dru was right he thought insanely, it does feel like lightening. Then something hit him hard over the head and he was out for the count. After that he vaguely remembered falling in and out of consciousness many times, waking up in different locations and positions. Each time, he couldn’t see anything. It was just too painful to open his eyes. He couldn’t move but didn’t know if he was in restraints or if he just didn’t have the strength. He could smell blood, lots of it…his own. He remembered the pain, too much pain, that’s what kept causing him to pass out. He also remembered hearing voices, “Oh back again are you? You’ll just have to put up with the pain, as if we’d waste good anaesthetic on a shit like you,” someone had laughed.
That’s all he remembered until he woke up in a white cell, sprawled out across the floor and immediately recognised where he was. It was the same type of room that he had discovered Dru in earlier. His head hurt like fuck and he felt weak, nauseous.
There was a swooshing noise overhead, a trap door opened and a blood bag fell out on to the floor. Painfully he crawled over towards it. He knew he had to feed to get some strength back. After loosing Dru he hadn’t really cared if he lived or died, but bugger it if he was going to die in this place, he didn’t want to go out this way.
Not thinking at all straight, he vamped, tore the corner of the bag with his teeth and gulped down the contents. “You stupid fucking sod,” he scolded himself regaining his senses. The blood left a strange taste in his mouth and he knew instantly that it was drugged or poisoned. Kneeling on the floor, he stuck his fingers down his throat and forced himself to throw up as much of the blood as he could.
All of a sudden the large door behind him shot open and sirens resounded loudly throughout the facility. He heard cries of “get out” and “run for it,” in various demonic languages, mixed with roars and howls of triumph and the sounds of fights breaking out. His brain was working a little slow now as the residual traces of the drug started to affect his system. He realised that it must be a ‘prison break’ and he knew that this would undoubtedly be his only chance of escape. He fought to keep his composure, he ignored the pain and the oncoming fuzziness that was starting to cloud his brain, and forced himself to get up and run for it.
Instinct took over and he was able to trace his own earlier scent back out of the facility. Luckily having walked in the first time of his own accord he knew the route out and knew also that it was unmonitored. As soon as he was outside he headed towards the forest, running as fast as he could. He ran deeper and deeper into the forest, knowing that he would be safe from the suns rays in there should he fall unconscious on route to where ever he was going to go. Where was he going to go? He couldn’t go home, the soldier boys knew that it was the home of a vampire and would probably check it out again.
He was becoming more and more disoriented, finally finding himself in the cemetery at the edge of the forest when he actually though that he’d been heading in towards the centre. He shouldered the door of one of the crypts and it gave way. Slipping inside and pushing the door firmly shut behind him, he promptly fell to the floor exhausted and passed out cold. It was when he came to later, and went in search of food that the discovery of the ‘now known to be a chip’ had been made.
That crypt became his new home. He’d only risked going back to his and Dru’s old home once. He needed some of her things, to be able to smell her, to remember her. He’d only managed to grab a handful of her possessions, her silver hairbrush that he’d spent many happy hours brushing her hair with, some of her hair ribbons, a miniature tea set and of course, Miss Edith.
Angel and Angelus were beyond anger and rage into a whole new realm. Their boy had been neutered by the same bastards that had killed their little girl. Although in Spike’s eyes he put the blame upon himself.
These soldier boys, calling themselves The Initiative, had rendered their childe unable to feed on or defend himself against humans. They had effectively defanged him, crippled his vampiric nature and humiliated him by doing so. Angelus though back to how thin William had appeared last night, and now he knew why.
Spike had told the Scoobies that Dru had left him. She didn’t want to live with a ‘chipped’ vamp. He certainly wasn’t going to tell them the truth, but that lie just brought more grief his way, giving them more ammo to taunt him with. In truth, Dru would have accepted him and helped him no matter what state he was in, as he would have done for her, as they both would have done for Angelus if he’d given them the chance.
***
The sun was beginning to set as they read the last page of the last book. The final words read silently in horror. “No…no…no,” Angel repeated, getting louder in volume until he was finally screaming and howling in pain, Angelus right there alongside him.
They couldn’t see through their tears as together they effectively trashed the entire room, smashing and breaking anything that they came into contact with. Running out of things to break they began to punch the walls, leaving large holes where their fists landed.
Finally exhausted and at a loss for what to do, Angel fell to his knees and wept some more, Angelus’ turned his metaphoric back on Angel and grieved alone. Angelus didn’t blame Angel, but he just couldn’t bring himself to speak to him right now. He just needed a little time alone.
A trilling noise broke into Angel’s mind and he gradually became aware that his cell phone was ringing. He ignored it…then thought of Lindsey, it might be him, waiting at home for him as Will had waited for Angelus’ all those years ago. He located the phone, the display showing him that it was Lindsey. He fought to calm his voice and answered the phone as best as he could.
“Hey Linds,” Angel’s voice was raw and broken.
“Angel? Are you ok? You sound I dunno… weird.”
“I’m fine baby, just tired that’s all. I didn’t sleep well love.”
“Me neither, I missed you. You are still coming home aren’t you?” Angel could hear the nervousness hidden in Lindsey’s voice, and again thought of Will.
“Of course I’m coming home,” he replied softly, “I’ll always come home, I promise.”
“You sure you’re ok?” Lindsey asked a little confused at Angel’s strange comment and tone.
“Yes, fine… look I’ll speak to you when I get home ok?”
“So there is something wrong then? Babe what’s up? You want me to come and collect you?”
“No, no I’m fine really. It’s just this place I guess.”
“Oh.”
“Hey Linds?”
“Yeah?”
“You do know that I love you, don’t you? And that I’ll always be there for you?” Angel reflected back on all he’d read, realising that Will had never stopped loving him, and yet Angel hadn’t let Will know that he loved him back or that Angelus still did. Will had lived without knowing that his Sire still loved him, and killed himself without feeling his Sire’s love…and now he never would. Ironically it’s all he wanted too, simply to know that his Sire still loved him.
“Angel, come on tell me what’s up. I know there’s something wrong. Have you been crying?”
“Lindsey answer me, you do know that I love you so much don’t you?”
“Yes Angel I do and I love you too, now come on you’re worrying me, what’s going on?”
“Nothing I’m fine, I’m going to leave now and I’ll be back in a couple of hours, 2 and a half tops ok?”
“Ok, drive safely then….you sure you don’t want me to come get you or meet you half way?”
“Really I’ll be fine, please don’t worry about me. I’m coming home now…and Linds?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you so much, never forget that ok? Promise me?”
“I promise. I love you too…..and I want us to talk when you get back ok? And drive safely. I mean it! I’m not happy with the mood you’re in. I don’t want anything to happen to you! Got it?”
“Got it,” Angel confirmed, “See you soon…I love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Linds?” Angel shouted down the phone trying to catch him before he hung up.
“Yeah?” a panicked voice answered.
“What did you phone for?”
“Oh yeah…well to make sure you were awake and coming home, and to tell you I let Cordy, Gunn and Wes go already. There wasn’t much happening here and I wanted them out of the way for when you came home anyway. Ok?”
“That’s fine…Love you.”
“Love you too, see you soon.”
Calmer now, having spoken to Lindsey and letting his anger out on the destruction of his old bedroom, Angel went back into the secret room and gathered all of the books together to take back home with him. He searched through the debris on the floor, until he found Dru’s hairbrush and ribbons, a couple of pieces from her tea set that had managed to survive his outburst and Spike’s old T-shirts to take those too. He hugged them to his chest, then to his nose to smell them. He wanted, needed to keep Will’s scent with him, he just wished Dru’s scent wasn’t so faint on her things. He sorted through the wreckage over and over, but no matter how many times he looked he couldn’t find Miss Edith, if she was here he couldn’t see her. Time was getting on and he didn’t want to keep Lindsey waiting, worrying and so reluctantly he left.
He didn’t know what he was going to say to Lindsey when he got home.
He’d never spoken to Lindsey about Angelus’ childer. He’d never told him
that they were as much his family as they were Angelus’. In fact he and
Lindsey hadn’t spoken about Angel’s past life with Angelus controlling
the reins. He’d kept everything secret, sorted into neat little Angel and
Angelus categories, past and present, and as far as everyone was concerned
they could never be in the same body at the same time and certainly didn’t
share the same urges, emotions and feelings. How could Angel just come
straight out with the truth now after all this time? He didn’t know what
to do, to say. If everything was so confusing in his own head, how was
he ever going to talk straight about it to Lindsey?
Los Angeles CA
Angel walked into the Lobby as Lindsey came rushing down the stairs to meet him. Angel looked so old and tired, worn out, his eyes were red, his shoulders were slumped and his head hung low. “Oh Angel,” soothed Lindsey taking him into his arms, “What happened?”
Angel smiled weakly at Lindsey, kissing him on the lips and hugging him back. “Please Linds, I’m so tired. I don’t want to talk right now. Can we please go to bed? Please?”
“Of course,” Lindsey answered, Angel looked like he needed the rest badly. He wanted to know what was wrong, what had caused Angel to be like this, but it could wait until tomorrow. At least Angel was back and in one piece, well physically anyway.
“I’m sorry if I messed up any plans for tonight Linds, I’m just…I’m so tired,” he made the point yet again.
“Hey don’t worry about it. I’m happy doing anything as long as it’s with you. Come on, let’s get you to bed then,” he smiled comfortingly at Angel, and received another sad smile back in return.
Lindsey undressed Angel, as he didn’t seem to have the energy or inclination to do it himself, and helped him into bed. He could have slept on his feet the way he looked. Lindsey stripped his own clothes off and headed out to the bathroom.
“Where are you going?” asked Angel softly.
“Teeth to brush…and I Gotta pee,” Lindsey shouted back.
When he came back into the room, Angel was already on the cusp of sleep. Lindsey slipped in next to him, pulling Angel into his arms so that Angel could rest his head on Lindsey’s chest. “I love you so much Linds, so much,” Angel murmured.
“I love you too,” Lindsey responded, as he placed a kiss on Angel’s forehead.
***
Angel woke before Lindsey, sneaked out of bed and went downstairs to check in with the gang. He put on a front, pretending that nothing was wrong, dropping the pretence and grieving whenever no one could see him, he was broken inside. He thought he was covering well, but they all knew something was up.
Angel wanted to talk, he needed to talk. He needed someone who knew both Spike and Dru and cared about them and would understand his pain. Someone who he could reminisce with and remember both his childer…but besides him there was no one other than Angelus, they were the only two who fitted that criteria and they were doing their best to comfort one another already.
Angel wished that he could talk to Lindsey, he knew he would try to understand but he just didn’t know what to say or how to say it…he didn’t want to do or say anything that might hurt him. He should have told Lindsey long ago about Angelus still being alive. He should have told him that Spike and Dru were as much his family as they were Angelus’. But if he told him now Lindsey would know that he’d been lied to, well not so much lied to, but just never corrected when he’d picked up on the others conclusions regarding Angelus.
Giles had speculated on how things probably worked, and everyone had been happy with his explanation, taking his words as fact. Angel had kept silent. Giles has decided that Angel had replaced Angelus, remembered his memories but was disgusted and sickened by them , truly remorseful and so trying to atone for his ‘sins’ and so on, warrior and champion of all that was good etc, etc, etc. What would Lindsey think of Angel if he knew the truth?
***
Angel busied himself with his work. He spent the day, not ignoring Lindsey, but avoiding every situation where they would have to have ‘the talk.’
“Lindsey?” questioned Cordelia, “What’s up with him?” she said pointing in the direction of Angel’s office.
“Huh?”
“Him, pretending to be all happy…he’s not even this happy when he is happy.”
“I don’t know. I’m worried about him though, he won’t tell me anything. He’s been avoiding me all day in case I ask. I tell you, he looked like hell when he came home last night. I don’t want to push him, but…”
“Why don’t you go corner him now?”
“I can’t…watch this,” he said and headed towards Angel’s office.
Before he’d even made it within ten paces of the door, Angel shot out of the office, “Just need to make some copies of these,” he said waving some papers in the air.
“See?” Lindsey mouthed to Cordy, holding his hands open in defeat.
“So Angel,” Cordy began, trying to dig for information instead, “How was Sunnydale? Everyone ok, well apart from Joyce dying and all?” she added dumbly.
“Fine, yep all good,” he said in his best cheery accent, fake smile firmly in place. “Um where’s Wes? I need to ask him about something,” Angel said quickly, walking away before they could ask him anything else.
“Sorry,” Cordy mouthed back to Lindsey.
***
From his office, Angel heard Lindsey say goodbye to Gunn, the last to leave tonight, before locking up the main hotel doors behind him and leaving them alone together.
“You coming up?” Lindsey questioned as passed the office doorway heading for the stairs.
“Yeah, I’ll be up in a bit…just, um, finishing this first,” he replied sorting through some papers on his desk.
Lindsey went to walk away but then paused, “Want to talk about it yet?”
Angel pretended not to hear Lindsey again, as he faked studying the papers in front of him intently, he’d been having bouts of selective hearing all day.
Lindsey waited a moment longer before heading up the stairs without another word, the act wasn’t fooling him one bit. He didn’t want to push Angel, but he was worried about him. This just wasn’t like him. They always talked about everything. What could be so bad that Angel felt he couldn’t talk to him? Maybe he just needs a little time, Lindsey reasoned.
***
Lindsey looked at the clock again, over two hours and there was still no sign of Angel. Lindsey was losing his patience…along with his mind. He’d tried to concentrate on what was on the TV, but sitting alone his imagination was running away with him as he tried to think about what could be bothering Angel. Simply not knowing had led Lindsey’s brain to come up with the most ridiculous reasons as to why Angel was behaving strangely. Currently he was going with the idea that Angel had met someone new, which then led to a more realistic idea that Angel had in fact slept with Buffy and was now feeling guilty. No, he scolded himself, Angel wouldn’t do that to me…would he? He wanted to go and confront him, but that might just make things worse. He sighed, got up, went out of the room and shouted over the banister, “Angel, I’m going to bed ok?”
“Ok, I’m nearly done, I’ll be there in just a minute,” was the reply he got.
Lindsey took a shower and got ready for bed. He tried to fall asleep but again his worry kept him awake. He heard Angel come into the suite a little later and take a shower before slipping into bed behind him. He didn’t bother to turn and face him, presenting him with his back.
“I missed you,” said Lindsey quietly, startling Angel a little, who obviously thought he was asleep.
“Did I wake you?”
“Nah,” Lindsey replied tiredly, “couldn’t sleep.”
“Well, I’m here now,” Angel said softly, kissing Lindsey’s shoulders.
Lindsey had to know, “Angel did you…..”
“Shhh,” Angel murmured rolling Lindsey towards him and claiming his mouth with a soft kiss. Hesitantly, Lindsey allowed himself to be taken in by the kiss.
Angel wouldn’t let him go, his large hands sweeping surely down Lindsey’s form before making their return journey with gentle nails up the length of his back. The same hands travelling back down gliding over soft yet toned buttocks and pulled Lindsey’s body tightly, intimately against his own. As Angel pulled him, Lindsey brushed his hands down Angel’s strong arms, and gently gripped his biceps for stability, raising one leg over Angel’s own hips. Lindsey knew that Angel was doing this partially to avoid talking to him, but as hardening cock met hardening cock he didn’t care.
Their kiss became more fevered as they rocked and rolled lazily against one another, long drawn out thrusts that massaged their lengths to the fullest against each others erections.
Lindsey hands now sought out and griped at Angel’s arse, trying to pull him even closer, wanting to thrust harder, needing to find a more solid friction. Angel allowed his lover the hard grinding contact that he sought, before Lindsey rolled the pair of them until he was above Angel straddling him. Without any preparation, Lindsey reached around behind himself, taking hold of Angel’s cock and positioning it at his entrance. Sometimes he needed preparing, other times all it took was a simple look and he could be ready to go. He wasn’t over keen on using lube, it always seemed to take some of the feeling away. Slowly he slid down Angel’s length, taking him deep inside, using breathing techniques and relaxing and pushing outwards with his internal muscles to aid the intrusion that he craved.
Lindsey broke their kiss and sat more upright. He took hold of Angel’s hands bringing them to rest either side of his head on the pillow as he linked fingers with him, using Angel as an anchor point to push against as he slowly began to ride him, feeling Angel’s cock caressing his sensitive insides. Lindsey slid up and down, rocked his hips back and forth and ground down against Angel, continually varying the sensations for both of them. His breathing was becoming more laboured the harder he worked.
He looked down at Angel, his eyes were closed and he seemed lost in his own little world. “Angel?” he whispered as he saw a single tear escape from the corner of one eye and slide slowly down Angel’s face. Lindsey slowed his movements to a gently stop, “Angel, what’s wrong?” he asked full of soft concern, releasing his hands to stroke his face. “We don’t have to do this,” he soothed, leaning forward to whisper in his lover’s ear as he raised his hips to release Angel.
“No,” Angel moaned in loss as his cock slipped free of Lindsey’s body, grasping hold of him and peppering his face with kisses.
“It’s ok Angel, we don’t…”
“No. I want…” Angel hushed, losing his next words into the soft skin of Lindsey’s neck as he rolled him onto his back. Angel rested, almost hovering above the length of Lindsey’s body, careful not to lay too heavily on him.
“I love you,” he murmured, fluttering butterfly light kisses along Lindsey’s throat and along his collar bone before leading down to the smooth hairless chest below.
Angel worshiped Lindsey’s lean body, lithe and yet fully toned, letting his hands glide and explore the flesh below him. Every dip and swell of flesh traced with gentle fingers, smoothed over with a palm then followed with more light kisses and languid flat tongue strokes. Eyes closed, Lindsey absorbed every touch and caress, body arching into the contact and letting his worries flow away.
Angel was in no rush, no race for release, he wasn’t important, all that mattered was William…no not William, Lindsey he corrected himself. Not an inch of Lindsey’s body was spared, toes to temples he was loved by Angels’ hands and mouth.
Angel flicked his tongue ever so lightly across and around a nipple, gaining a hiss that turned into a full bodies moan as he worked more forcefully, worrying the hard bud with swirls of his tongue and sucking it into his mouth. Another hiss as blunt humanised teeth joined the act, scraping and nipping against sensitive flesh. Angel raised his head and moaned deeply before diving back and attacking Lindsey’s chest, repeatedly sucking hard at various points, leaving bruises in his wake and then toying with them and tracing his fingers over the reddened patches, pinching at some to increase their colouring. The sight of them seemed to excite him and his attacks increased in viciousness.
His sucks turned into bites, soft nips at first that became excessively hard and painful as Angel got more excited until he was finally clamping his jaws with each bite that he delivered, going as hard as possible to the point just before the skin was sure to tear under the force of his human teeth. Lindsey was floating with the sensations, loving every moment. This is what he’d wanted for so long, but Angel wasn’t keen on playing like this often, and certainly never this violent.
Angel slid down Lindsey’s body once more, calm again and tracing lazy patterns with his tongue, seeking out every dip and groove, each individual rib bone, dipping greedily into the navel, tonguing every muscle of that flat stomach, before he started again with the sucking and biting, marking Lindsey’s body all over. Lindsey yelped as Angel delivered a particularly nasty bite to his soft inner thigh. Golden eyes instant flicked up to stare at Lindsey, regarding him with curiosity, before Angel went back to work, careful not to bite so hard again.
Lindsey was panting hard, revelling in this sweet torture and anticipating where Angel’s tongue or teeth would strike next. His ignored cock, jumped and twitched, begging to be touched. So close, so often, both his release and Angel’s mouth but neither was to be found yet. Angel didn’t linger long enough to be anything more than a heavenly tease and avoided too direct a contact, prolonging his lover’s delicious agony.
Lindsey moaned in anticipation as Angel’s mouth drew close to the ache once more. He groaned deep from within his chest as that tongue swirled around his full velvety sac before sucking each globe in turn into his talented mouth. Lindsey’s eyes at first, flew open as that long denied tongue streaked a long flat stroke along the underside of his cock making it twitch, then rolled back in their sockets as it the tongue tip flicked delicately back and forth across the purpled head and delved into the weeping slit, leaking copious amounts of pre-cum.
Lindsey felt Angel’s fangs fall into place, scraping delicately against the skin of his cock as his mouth moved up and down its length. Lindsey’s brain was desperately trying to tell him that something was wrong, but his body didn’t want to listen as he raised his hips begging Angel to take him deeper. This felt so good, such a rush for Lindsey. Angel had never taken on his demon visage during sex, and rarely at any other time around Lindsey…something else that he’d practically begged for.
“Fuck,” Lindsey ground out sharply as his cock was swallowed whole, down to the root, fangs resting heavily against his pubic bone. Angel sucked hard as he worked his way back to the tip, cheeks hollowing with the force, and breaking away with a wet smacking sound. Gentler this time, he swirled his tongue around the head then shaft, making his way to the base in this fashion. Sliding his wet mouth back to the tip once more, gently suction and tongue work encouraging the foreskin to once again cover and protect the head, only to push it down again brutally with tight lips on the downward stroke.
As Angel descended once more, Lindsey felt the sharp tips of Angel’s fangs resting against his skin. One little push he thought and they’d break through the surface, and oh he wanted that so badly, to feel them pierce his skin and slide in through his flesh. That in mind Lindsey moved fractionally, ready to thrust up and into those fanged jaws to impale himself on the sharp points. He was stopped abruptly and roughly as a large hand forcefully pressed against his abdomen and prevented him from moving, a loud warning growl told him to stay in place. Again his brain tried to alert him to the wrongness of this act, that wasn’t Angel’s growl.
Lindsey was close to release, had been for so long, writhing in ecstasy, trying desperately to thrust into that mouth, sobbing and begging for this to never stop and yet wanting so badly to come, needing to come. Angel would deny his lover no longer. Relaxing his throat completely, he took Lindsey’s cock as deep as possible, swallowing hard around its girth and working his throat muscles to massage the length. Purring out his own enjoyment, the vampire caused a powerful vibration.
As he felt Lindsey’s balls rise and pull close to his body, Angel released
the restrictive weight of his hand against his lover’s stomach, giving
him the freedom to thrust and buck wildly and work towards his own goal.
The vampire felt the pulsing of that thick vein against his tongue moments
before Lindsey arched off the bed, his body rigid, and flooded his mouth
with his hot seed, crying out with a strangled sob as he did so. The larger
man drank him greedily, milking him for all he was worth, pulse after pulse,
spurt after spurt of hot cum until spent. Lindsey collapsed heavily back
against the bed, body still shivering and twitching with aftershocks, gasping
and panting hard.
Lindsey barely had time to breathe before he was flipped on to his stomach and entered roughly from behind. Strong hands gripped his shoulders hard enough to bruise and pulled him to his knees, his legs squaring to rest against those of the vampire behind him. Angel set a hard punishing pace, his one aim to reach orgasm now. He thrust in and out of the willing body before him, roughly kissing the expanse of bare flesh that was Lindsey’s back. It took only moments for the vampire to reach his release. Lindsey was aware of two things as the larger man came, one obviously being the rush of cold seed through his bowels cooling the raw heat of his passage, the other being the points of two sharp fangs pressing into the base of his neck, resting there ready to break the skin.
“Yes,” moaned Lindsey.
“No,” roared Angel and growled in frustration, and his fangs were gone.
Angel collapsed heavily against Lindsey’s back gasping for air, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he panted repeatedly, his voice catching as if a sob whilst his softening cock slipped free of Lindsey’s body.
Lindsey collapsed against the bed, Angel fell with him and quickly rolled on to his side so as not to crush him, still holding him tightly, one arm wrapped around his waist. Angel pressed his forehead against Lindsey’s sweat soaked back and tucked in spooning up behind him.
“Angel?” Lindsey asked, trying to turn and face Angel.
“Not now. Sleep,” Angel pulled in even tighter preventing Lindsey from turning.
Angel slipped easily into sleep, but Lindsey remained awake for much longer, eyes wide, staring at nothing. If tonight with Angel had been so good, got Lindsey so hot….then why did he feel so cold inside? Why had this earth shattering act turned into something seedy and dirty the moment Angel said he was sorry?
~~~*~~~
All was quiet when Cordelia came into work. Angel sat in his office flicking through papers, Gunn was sitting on the floor in front of the weapons cabinet cleaning some of the equipment and Wes was talking to someone on the phone and scribbling down notes.
“Where’s Lindsey?” she asked Gunn, he wasn’t usually very far from Angel.
“Dunno, haven’t seen him…think maybe they’ve had a row,” he tipped his head backwards in Angel’s direction.
“Lindsey?” she mouthed at Wes so as not to interrupt his call, her reply was a shrug.
She walked into Angel’s office, barely opened her mouth to speak before Angel cut in, “he’s in the garage, said he wanted to do something to his truck,” he replied without making any effort to even look at her.
“Thanks,” she mumbled, leaving him be.
***
“Shit,” Lindsey jumped when Cordelia banged on the windscreen and quickly wiped at his eyes, giving away that fact that he’d either been crying or was close to tears. He’d been sitting in the driver’s seat staring off into space, lost in thought.
“Sorry,” she said as he wound down the window to see what she wanted, “Can I get in?”
“Sure,” he said leaning over to unlock the passenger door as she walked around the truck, opened it and climbed in.
“So, what’s up?” Straight to the point as always, “Found out what’s bugging him yet?”
“He slept with, with …her…. Buffy,” he spat the name out.
“What?” Cordelia all but screeched, “Are you sure?”
“Well no, but he must have done. What else can it be?” He sulked.
“Lindsey,” she calmed down now, “he wouldn’t do that to you.”
“You weren’t so sure just now were you?” he snapped.
“Lin, he loves you,” she soothed ignoring his tone. He had every right to be wound up.
“Yeah sure,” he snorted. Cordelia watched and waited patiently as Lindsey’s posture changed as he steeled himself to say something, “Cordy, last night in bed…” he said eyes downcast not meeting hers.
“Yeah,” she prompted after a long silence.
“Cordy, if I show you something, promise you won’t freak ok?”
“Uh-huh,” she nodded.
Lindsey undid his shirt a little and let her catch a glimpse of his bruised and bitten chest. “My God, Lindsey, are you alright?” She gasped tears instantly filling her eyes. “He beat you? I’ll kill him,” she all but growled.
“No,” Lindsey spoke softly, calmly. “This happened while we were making love.” Cordelia looked at him stunned (call ‘that’ making love? echoed in her head) and went to speak but Lindsey spoke over her, “and I’m fine with that. Fuck, I’ve wanted this for so long,” he sighed heavily laying back against the seat, “it felt fantastic, that’s not what was wrong. The problem was that he’s never done this to me before, well never this…”
“Violent?” Cordelia offered incredulously, “You wanted this?”
“Yes,” he answered flatly, then defended himself, “there’s no shame in it. He’s a vampire right and this is how they…I, I wanted him to claim me, show me that I meant something.”
“You mean everything to him,” Cordy reassured him.
“Not enough.” At her puzzled look he elaborated, “Not enough for him to want to mark me,” and not treat it as a mistake he thought silently, “not enough for him to want to keep me with him forever,” he mumbled brokenly. He sat silent for a moment as tears welled up in his eyes and began to roll down his cheeks. “Cordy, why won’t he turn me? You might not understand it but that’s what I want, it’s all that I want. I love him and I don’t ever want to lose him. I want to be with him forever, like this as I am now…I don’t want to grown old and be thrown away and forgotten about or replaced by a younger model…I couldn’t live without him.”
“And how do you think he’d cope with killing you, murdering you? That’s what it would be,” she offered practically, but not unkindly.
“I, I never thought about it like that…I guess…but it’s not as if I’d be gone forever, he’d bring me back.”
“What if something went wrong and he lost you? And how would he feel about having to bury you, thinking about you under the earth. Knowing full well that he should stake you the moment you rise? Lindsey, if it did work, you’d be a monster,” Cordelia reasoned, “he’s supposed to be fighting against evil, not creating it. Maybe he won’t do it because he loves you, have you thought of that?”
“I could be given my soul back, be like him.”
“I suppose, but…”
“It should be him telling me all this. It is…was…the only thing that we weren’t allowed to discuss. Promise you won’t tell him we talked will you?” Cordy shook her head no, “thanks, it’s… you’ve helped you know,” he smiled genuinely at her, his tears drying up. “I hadn’t thought about it from his point of view before. So you think he does love me then, he does want me?” he asked almost shyly.
“Of course he wants you, anyone can see that,” she said taking his hand and stroking it comfortingly.
Lindsey smile turned to a frown as he thought of something else. “What is it?” she whispered taking in his worried expression.
“Last night, it was so unbelievable, I felt so…I dunno I felt that I really belonged to him. I was literally floating and then when it was over he apologized. He fucking well said he was sorry, took back everything that he’d just given me and now he won’t even look me, at what he’s done to my body,” Lindsey raged, curling his hands into tight fists. “He gave me what I wanted. Why take that away from me? I felt so used, dirty. I still do. It wasn’t me he was fucking,” he finished with angry certainty.
“So you think he was pretending you were someone else?” She asked checking she’d understood what he was trying to say.
“Well yeah, unless…” Lindsey went silent, a terrifying thought suddenly hitting him. Maybe Angel wasn’t pretending that Lindsey was someone else, maybe Angel was someone else…Angelus.
“Unless what?”
“Fuck!”
“Lin?” Cordelia called after him getting out of the truck to follow him as he’d jumped out of the truck and was storming towards the entrance way, man on a mission mode.
“Get out of here,” Lindsey told her as she grabbed hold of his arm.
“What? Why?” she asked still pulling at his arm to stop him.
“He’s Angelus!”
“What? No Lin, the man in that office is NOT Angelus,” she stated confidently. “Look, he might be acting weird and you, well you do look messed up, I’ll give you that, but you hardly look as if Angelus has had hold of you. For one, your insides are still ON the inside and two…well two you’re still alive. Don’t you think that powers would have sent me a vision, a heads up ‘Hey, oh and by the way Angelus will be making a guest appearance this Tuesday?’ And if he’s Angelus why is he sitting in there fiddling about with paperwork and not out wreaking havoc?”
“It’s day?” Lindsey offered lamely.
“Oh right, he’s just doing menial tasks to waste away the time until night fall. If he wanted a snack, he’s got a choice of four varieties working here with him…I’m still here, you’re still here…”
“Gunn and Wes?” Lindsey said worriedly, stomping off again and picking up his pace, with Cordelia still clamped to his arm.
The pair walked into the lobby to find it empty, “See he’s eaten them,” Lindsey hushed in an ‘I told you so’ tone when there was no sign of the other two men.
“Or they’ve gone out following a lead?” said Cordelia pointedly, indicating towards a note on her desk that said just that. They both looked towards Angel’s office where he still sat at his desk, staring blankly at a pile of papers upon it.
“See not Angelus!” she sated with a triumphant expression on her face, having taken in Angel’s sorry form.
“Guess so,” Lindsey had to agree. “Look, Cordy, I have to speak to him. Help me?”
“Of course, but go easy on him ok? You don’t know what’s wrong.”
“Ok, but if I find out that he is Angelus though, and he’s fucked Buffy to get that way, I am so fucking gonna kill him!” he muttered.
“Lindsey, quit obsessing with the ‘fucking Buffy’ idea.”
Lindsey stormed towards the office door, and Angel, as had become the norm, appeared at the door with more copying to do.
“Oh no you don’t!” said Lindsey catching hold of Angel’s arm, “I want to talk to you.”
“But I’ve just…..” Angel said waving his papers in the air.
“Here, let me do that for you,” Cordelia interrupted with a smile, walking past and taking the papers out of his hand, “I said be gentle” she mouthed at Lindsey with a glare.
Lindsey shoved Angel back into the office, and pushed him down into the chair.
“Look I know you’ve been trying to avoid telling me, but I have to know ok. What’s wrong? Have you got someone else? Did you sleep with Buffy?” He asked trying to calm down.
“No, no,” Angel said in alarm, “of course not.”
“So you’re not feeling a bit Angelusy then?” he muttered accusingly. He couldn’t help it. The idea that Angel might have been fooling with someone else had implanted itself in his brain and was tearing him up inside. It wasn’t the fucking its self, it was the feeling of being cheated on, replaced, lied to, betrayed.
“What? Lindsey….” he whined.
“Well then, what is wrong with you?”
“Nothing, I’m fine…and keep your voice down,” Angel said looking sheepishly out into the lobby through the office window.
“No you’re not, you know it, I know it…even they know it,” he said pointed out to where Cordelia was and where Gunn and Wes would be if they hadn’t gone out, “and I will not fucking keep my voice down!” Lindsey sneered, doing the exact opposite and brining a hush to his words.
“You’ve been discussing me with them?” accused Angel.
“No, actually Cordy asked me, she’s worried about you too.” Lindsey said half snapping, but beginning to calm a little, they were finally talking and Angel hadn’t been with Buffy…or so he said.
“So you have been talking about me then?” Angel pretended to sulk.
“No…yes, well sharing concern…. and stop avoiding the question.”
“Wasn’t,”
“So what’s up then?”
“This if you want,” answered Angel with a smirk, grabbing hold of his cock through the material of his pants and hoping to tempt Lindsey so that he didn’t have to talk.
“ANGEL!”
“What?” asked Angel, the picture of innocence.
“Look, seriously what’s wrong? You were all off on the phone to me and then you came home looking like shit,” Lindsey was trying he best to stay calm now, he wanted to get this sorted out.
“So I look like shit now do I?” Angel feigned hurt.
“No, that’s not what I meant….and stop avoiding.”
“Wasn’t!”
“Arrrggghhh! Fine, don’t talk to me then. I’VE HAD IT WITH YOU!” Lindsey screamed throwing his hands to the air in a rage, “I can’t take it,” and with that Lindsey stormed out of the office and stomped on his way up the stairs. Cordelia was a little shocked, she heard them have petty squabbles occasionally but they’d never actually had an argument before or even raised their voices at each other….well not since they’d been together anyway. Still she knew that Angel was in pain and hiding something, and that his silence was hurting Lindsey.
The words “I can’t take it,” hit Angel like a brick. Those were Spike’s final words….Lindsey was going to leave him too!
There was an almighty howl from Angel’s office, Cordelia yelped in surprise, and Lindsey shot back down the stairs as fast as he could. Angel burst out of his office, tears streaming down his face. He was screaming hysterically, “Please, please don’t leave me Lindsey,” he fell to his knees at the foot of the stairs, “Please don’t go, please I’m sorry, don’t go, don’t leave me,” he babbled, losing it. “I’ll talk, I’ll talk.” Lindsey made it to the bottom of the stairs and wrapped himself around Angel, sitting on the floor with him and pulling him close. Angel, huge as he was, seemed so small and helpless right now. Lindsey had never seen Angel like this, he doubted that anyone had.
“Oh baby, I’m not leaving, I’d never leave you,” he soothed, rocking Angel and rubbing little circles on his back. Angel continued to mumble, “don’t leave me, please don’t leave me, I love you, I love you so much, don’t leave me.”
Lindsey caught sight of Cordelia over Angel’s head, pointing towards the door asking if she should leave or stay. He nodded to her and waved his hand as if ushering her out of the door to let her know that it was ok, he’d handle it. She gave a little sad ‘I hope everything is ok smile’ and he smiled his thanks back at her. She was just about to step out of the door, when she turned back around mouthing an ‘O’ at him as a thought came to her. She pointed at herself, pretended she was on the phone…then made a gun with her hand….she waved her hands around and shrugged her shoulders not knowing how to mime Wes’ name….waved her hands that she’d keep them away…..held up one finger to mime ‘but’…made that she was zipping her lips and turned an imaginary lock on them, then did the sign for ok. Lindsey again nodded his thanks and then turned his attention back to Angel who was still mumbling about not wanting Lindsey to leave him.
“Shhh, its ok I’m not going anywhere, I won’t leave you. I just wanted to know what was wrong. Angel look at me,” he said holding Angel’s head steady in his hands and making definite eye contact with him, “I’m not leaving you, I won’t leave you. Wanna tell me what’s wrong baby?”
“I killed him…..”
“What? Who did you kill?” asked Lindsey puzzled and shocked.
“Angelus’ boy, my boy, I killed our boy….and…and…..”
“Your boy?”
“Our William…and our daughter Drusilla.”
“I don’t…I don’t understand. Angel? Our children? Yours and mine?” He had no idea who William was although he’d heard of Drusilla. He wondered why Angel thought that they had children together, and why he was speaking so strangely as if he were two beings at the same time.
Angel rested in Lindsey’s arms as he told him everything, the entire story from beginning to end. He explained how both he and Angelus still existed alongside each other, he wasn’t simply Angelus with a soul as everyone liked to believe. He told Lindsey how he, Angel loved him but still held a place for his childer and how Angelus loved his childer and yet also held a place for Lindsey. Lindsey had comforted him and cried along with him too, his heart breaking at Angel’s and Angelus’ pain, and at William’s, whom he discovered was in fact Spike, yes he’d heard of him too.
“..and I denied being his Sire, he wanted Angelus and I couldn’t…... Angelus wanted William and I wouldn’t let him, it’s all my fault. I didn’t know that Will would accept me too. I thought I’d be a failure in his eyes. He didn’t care though, he just wanted me, us, in any way that he could…and I failed him.”
“I’m so sorry my love,” Lindsey hushed, having heard the whole story, still rocking Angel and kissing his hair every so often. “I don’t know what to say,” he offered truthfully, “but I will never leave you, and I do know that you love me.” Cordelia had been right earlier. Angel did love him, that’s why he wouldn’t turn him and Lindsey had to accept that. “I am happy being with you, you make me happy. I understand about Will, and you don’t need to hide him from me…or Dru. You didn’t kill him, understand me? It’s not your fault, you did what you thought was right. Now, why don’t we bring in his books and their other bits and pieces from you car and put them somewhere safe huh?”
“I’d like that,” said Angel softly. “Thank you Lindsey. I’m sorry though, I should have told you right away. I love you so much.”
“I love you too…always.”
Del Mar CA
Spike admired his new piercings and tattoos, full sleeves and a large back piece. Although he couldn’t actually see the back piece what with the lack of a reflection and all. The important thing was that it made him feel different, better, new. It was all part of re-claming himself and re-gaining control over his life.
He supposed it hadn’t taken too long really with all the work he’d had done, just over seven hours in all and he’d enjoyed every minute of it, the company that was, the inking was quite painful. He knew he’d never have coped having it all done in one sitting if he was human.
His artist, Micael, had been great to chat with, and shared some beer and snacks with Spike while he was working. Spike got the work done courtesy of Giles, well kind of, in the way that he’d broken into the ‘Magic Box’ and stolen some money on his way out of town. Good old Giles, not trusting to keep his money in a bank. It was a bugger having to actually pay for certain things now, but Spike thought it was better than getting the shit kicked out of him.
“So mate, what’s your name?” Spike had asked the guy in the tattoo parlour.
“Micael.”
“Call me Spike,” he offered. “Well then Micael, this is what I want…and today if you can.”
He’d told the Micael, all without taking a breath or waiting for answers to any of his questions, “Now I want some of those black wiggly tendril flame thingies like what Manson’s got on the inside of his arms ok? Only kind of make them wrap around the whole arm like and add some real flames with real colours. He’s one hell of a sexy bitch don’t ya think…Marilyn, I mean? I’d do him given the chance. Oh and you know that tribal stuff Blade’s got…Wesley Snipes, Blade hmm? Yeah, well same as that but over my whole back , up the sides of my neck and across my shoulders, not all solid black though, I want it to start off black at the very top and fade down into colour, nothing girly though, no pinks and shit. I like blue though and um purple.
“Oh and up here on my shoulder… wait how good are you at portraits? “Well I’ve got this sketch, see, and I want you to copy it exactly the same, here on the top of my arm…oh and write Dru under it in some fancy lettering yeah? Oh and I want a night sky behind her, full of stars, lots of stars. Beautiful isn’t she?” Micael went to speak but was cut off again by Spike, “And when you’ve done that I want this brow pierced twice vertically just on the edge by this scar here with small barbells….and both nipples, and again I want bars not hoops … but I’ll need to get some hoops too so I can change them when I want, no wait make that just the one, the left one…and, um, what else can I have pierced? I don’t think that a naval ring would suit me, or a nose ring so um…you know what, actually, yeah do both nips. Oooh and a centre tongue stud. Got to have one of those! Oh and just a tiny and, I mean tiny, little labret, that’s the one that goes here through the chin right? That’s it I think, don’t want too much on my face oh wait and what about, you know, my cock what can I get done? Well?” He asked when Micael didn’t answer him, not knowing that Spike was actually going to let him speak.
“Why don’t you have a look through this catalogue, it’s got pictures of everything that we can do,” said Micael handing Spike a large binder.
He flipped through it quickly, “I’ll have this one…and,” he continued flicking, “What the fuck is that? I bet that feels bloody good to be on the receiving end of that…what is it?”
Allowed to speak again Micael answered, “They’re implants like little ball bearings under the skin and the one you want is a double horizontal ampallang. Are you sure you want all of that done today? Don’t you want to think about it first or get it done bit by bit?”
Spike’s answer was a simple, “Nope.”
***
So, pleased with his tattoos and piercings he pondered what to do next and decided on the hair. He’d first thought about dying his hair black, but gave up on that pretty quick when he then thought how, being so pale, he might end up looking like Snow White! Nothing else really took his fancy, so he decided to keep it his usual shade of white/blonde. He hadn’t worn his hair with those hard ‘standing to attention’ spikes for a long time, having his hair slicked back most often. There wasn’t a whole lot he could do as his hair wasn’t all that long and didn’t give way to much styling, well nothing that he considered sexy or cool anyhow. He settled in the end, for simply using the tiniest amount of gel, ruffling his hair so that he ended up with random soft spikes, giving him that sexy, just woken up look. Not different enough though, he gave himself some electric blue highlights.
Whilst looking at the dyes in the shop, he’d picked up some of his much loved black nail polish - that would be staying! As he’d looked along the cosmetics trying to find the polishes, he’d passed the eyeliners on the way, ‘Hmm might not look too bad ya know,’ he said to himself slipping a few into his pocket in case he decided to go with that idea.
He’d eventually left the shop having paid for one box of blue dye, but with a red and a purple, a range of eyeliners, a selection of polishes, some unfortunate man’s wallet, lots of eye-shadows, and few lippies, just to experiment with, somehow managing to have sneaked their own way into his pockets. Make-up looked good on Manson, but he wasn’t sure if it would suit him.
Now for the clothes, there was no way in hell that he was going to part with his duster, and he loved his recently acquired soft faded blue jeans that hung low on hip hips and his leather jeans that felt so good and showed off his cute tight butt. He loved his tight T-shirts that showed off his defined arms, chest and abs, even if he was a little thinner now. Oh and his black boots, he wasn’t going to ditch them either. “Oh sod it,” he thought, “I’ll just keep what I’ve got…after all, can you actually build on perfection?” Then he thought, ‘well just in case I change my mind….’ and helped himself, gradually to quite a large selection of clothes from a store room below the shop, nipping out through the sewer outlet and loading them into the trunk of his car when his arms were full each time.
“All set, now to do something about this bloody chip,” he said to himself. The only problem was that he didn’t really know where to start. He hadn’t had any luck back in Sunnydale had he? He did the only thing he could think of, dropped down into the sewers and went in hunt of some of the local demons.
His search turned up nothing until… finally Spike came across one demon who claimed to have actually been inside himself a while back and had escaped. He had done some huge task for a law firm in LA and they’d paid him as promised, by arranging the deactivation of his chip. His brother had supposedly held some Holland something or other hot shot lawyer hostage until the deactivation was complete, in case the firm went back on their word.
This demon had actually been willing to help a fellow inmate, knowing what hell they put you through. He gave Spike a number to phone, and surprised him when he refused payment for the information, saying something about the code and having to stick together. Spike wondered if the demons brain had actually been fried in someway as he seemed to be going against his demonic nature. Then again, he had just offered up cash willingly himself.
As he made his way back up and out on to the street he thought about
how having his ‘chip’ had made him more compassionate of others needs,
well of those that deserved it anyway. He’d seen what it was like to be
on the other side. Perhaps the demon that he’d just left had been affected
in the same way. Maybe that explained his kindness towards Spike. ‘Arrgh,
I’ve bloody well gone soft,’ he thought to himself.
Los Angeles CA
Lindsey was hacking into Wolfram and Hart’s system as he often did, just to give Angel the head’s up on anything they might be planning. Highly skilled at anything computer related it was easy for him. Not that this particular task took much effort anyway. If you worked with someone as brainless as Lilah who never bothered to change her passwords and so on, you had half the work done for you already.
He thought he’d have a rummage around Lilah’s mail box before he backed out. Nothing interesting as usual, just chatting to her silly little friends, except for the message that he found sitting her outbox. He printed out a copy of the message and deleted it, hoping that she wouldn’t notice that it didn’t send when she next logged in, hell, she probably didn’t even know it was still sitting there, thinking it had gone already, if she even remembered at all. Lindsey went straight around to Angel’s office with the printout.
“Hey baby,” greeted Angel looking up from the folder that he was thumbing through.
“I’ve got something I’m sure you gonna be interested in,” he said walking towards Angel and giving him a quick kiss on the lips.
“Oh, I’m sure you have,” replied Angel slyly, grinning as he grasped Lindsey around the waist and pulled him to sit on his lap.
“Really interested in,” Lindsey continued. “I was nosing through Lilah’s e-mail and look what I found,” he said handing the printout to Angel, “she gossips too much don’t you think?”
Lindsey sat silent, watching Angel closely as he read the message. Tears began to roll down Angel’s face silently as he read Lilah’s words…
Hi Sylvia,
Just had to tell you this, you’ll love it! Some vampire just phoned
me saying that he got my number from some demon that we helped a while
back; remember the one whose brother took Holland hostage while old Doc
Kurror worked her magic on him at the Fairfield Clinic? Yep, that one!
So he wanted to know if we could do the same for him, deactivate the chip
you know. It was so funny. He offered us his services in payment, or money,
anything he could give. Like we’d want the services of some fledgling vampire
I ask you. You can’t swing a cat without hitting one in LA can you? And
money, like we’d need money! I wasn’t too mean though; I took a number
and told him I’d get back to him. Anyway just thought I’d share the gossip,
made my day! Oh and get this, his name is so dumb…Spike! Ha, what sort
of name is that? Trying to be all big naming himself after Mr Souled Vampire’s
kid, brat…whatever it is they call them.
Speak to you soon….
Lilah
“Do you think……?” Angel asked Lindsey, his eyes shining with tears and full of hope.
“One and the same I’d say. It would be way too much of a coincidence otherwise wouldn’t it? Still, I don’t want you to get your hopes up too high ok… just in case,” said Lindsey taking Angel into his arms.
“Then…then I didn’t kill him?”
“No baby, you didn’t,” Lindsey hushed, stroking Angel’s hair.
“Linds, I want to help him, I need to help him, I need to find him, I….I’m sorry but I have to.”
“Shhh, I know and I want to help you find him, don’t be sorry. I’ve stolen his contact number from the phone book in Lilah’s computer and deleted it, and I know she won’t have a copy anywhere else. Now listen up, I’ve got a plan.”
Lindsey told Angel that he knew of the doctor that Lilah had mentioned. She didn’t work for W&H, but they did put quite a bit of business her way. She worked at the same medical facility that Lindsey had been checked into. Although, he hadn’t actually been treated by her, Dr. Melman had ‘taken care’ of him, given him his ‘evil hand’.
Not wanting to scare Spike off, Lindsey plan was to phone the contact number, saying that he’d been put in charge of Spike’s situation and give him a new contact number just in case Spike decided to phone W&H for any reason to get in contact with him. Then he would arrange to meet with Spike to discuss the terms of Wolfram and Hart helping him. Lindsey would meet him at the assigned place and get him to relax before Angel would show up, that way Spike would be less likely to bolt.
“And what about him getting de-chipped?” asked Angel, “Can we do it for him? I’ll pay whatever it costs. I can’t leave him to live like that. It has to come out.”
“It can be arranged, and yes, it will cost a lot. Angel, look, please don’t think I’m out of line. I’ll help you anyway I can, you know that ok?” Angel nodded and Lindsey continued, “I know what this chip has done to him, but are you sure you want to let him loose to kill again?”
“Linds…I…I don’t know. I don’t want him to kill obviously, but he’s our childe, I can’t leave him like that, it … I just can’t, it’s not right. It’s not just the feeding, he can’t defend himself either. Lindsey I don’t know what to do, help me?”
“Don’t worry baby, we’ll work something out,” said Lindsey pulling Angel back into his arms and soothing him, “Let’s just take it a step at a time and see what happens ok?”
“Ok.”
“So, shall I go phone him now, get this started?” Lindsey said rising to his feet and heading out of the door into the lobby.
“Yes…yes please…and Lindsey…thank you so much. I love you so much,” then strangely he added “Linds, Angelus wants me to thank you and tell you that he loves you too.”
Lindsey just nodded but held a strange look on his face. He didn’t really know what to say to that. Angel told him all the time that he loved him, and had now told him about Angelus having a place in his heart for him, but it’s the first time Angelus had ever spoken to him as such. He knew logically that Angelus was in there somewhere, still even wondered about ‘that night’ last week, but it was only when Angel had passed on the message that Angelus actually became real to Lindsey. As if it had only just that moment sunk in that there were actually two entities sharing Angel’s body and that they interacted with each other. Then he pondered who was sharing whose body, surely Angelus must have owned it first, well Liam, but Angel wasn’t the original blueprint of Liam was he?
“Stop it,” he scolded himself as his brain started to run away with him.
***
“Hello can I speak to a Mr. Spike please?”
“Hang on,” the voice said. From the noise in the background, Lindsey assumed that the phone was in a bar. He heard the voice that had told him to ‘hang on’ shouting, “Hey Buddy, yeah you, phone.”
“Um yeah,” said a new voice into the receiver.
“Mr Spike?”
“Just Spike,” replied the English accent.
“I’m phoning on behalf of Wolfram and Hart, I understand that you might be able to offer us your services in return for us doing you a little favour, am I correct?”
“Yeah.”
“How about we meet up and discuss what you can do for us and see where to go from there?”
“Look mate, as I already told the bird the other day, I’ll do whatever you want if you can help with my…..enquiry,” he hushed, probably not wanting to let on to any humans in the bar that he was there for the taking if they wanted. “We don’t need to have a bloody meeting to see what I’m willing to do. If you’ve got something in mind, let me know and it’s done ok? And don’t take too long thinking about it, I’ve got others interested in taking me up on this offer,” he bluffed. Lindsey knew he was lying of course, but he had to think fast, his plan wasn’t…well going to plan!
“No Spike, I’m sure we can come to an arrangement. There isn’t anything that we require of you at the moment, but we would appreciate you being indebted to us, that we may call upon you as and when we need our favour paid back.”
“But you’re still gonna do what I want now right? I don’t wanna have to wait until you think of something for me to do.”
“No, as I said you’ll get what you want now and we’ll call in our payment when we see fit. Deal?”
“Deal, so when can I get this done?”
‘Shit,’ thought Lindsey, this was moving too fast, it wasn’t supposed to happen like this, ‘think…Linds, think!’
“I will send a car to collect you now. So, where can I tell it to meet you?”
“Bloody hell, you can do it that fast? Um ….yeah, I’m at….” Spike gave Lindsey the address to pick him up at. He wasn’t all that far, staying close enough to Wolfram and Hart’s offices in the hope that they would help him, but far enough from Angel. Lindsey told Spike that he wouldn’t be in the office to take calls and gave him his mobile number instead.
“Del Mar? The car will be with you in about an hour and a half.”
“I can drive myself over if you want.”
“No, you will be collected. Oh, how will I recognise you,” Lindsey added remembering that he wasn’t supposed to have any clue as to who Spike was.
“Just look for something sexy,” Spike answered self assured, in that accent that Lindsey found himself getting turned on by.
“I’m sure, but anything else just in case….”
“No pet, you’ll know who I am,” he finished, hanging up the phone.
“So?” asked Angel, practically running over to Lindsey as he came down from upstairs. He’d made the phone call from the privacy of their room so that Spike wouldn’t pick up on anyone else talking if they came in to the office. Angel had reluctantly stayed downstairs as Lindsey had asked him to. He wanted no distractions.
“Well, it didn’t exactly go according to plan,” he started, but seeing the look of despair cross Angel’s face he quickly added, “No don’t worry baby, I’ve got him for you, it’s just going to be a bit different than we planned ok?”
“Right, so what’s happening then?”
“Well I suggest you get ready to leave, we’ll be picking him up in just over an hour,” he smiled at Angel.
“Wha…wha….what,” asked Angel disbelievingly, a shocked look on his face now.
“I said, get ready, we’re going to pick up your boy,” Lindsey grinned, taking Angel around the waist and leading him out of the door. “I’m guessing he knows what your car looks like, so we’ll take mine ok?”
“But I’m not…” Angel started, running his hands through his hair.
“You look fine, better than fine,” Lindsey assured Angel who was obviously worrying about the way he looked, before giving him a quick kiss.
“Where is he?”
“At the El Santuario bar, Del Mar….and he said to spot him we’re to look for something sexy!”
Angel rolled his eyes and smiled, “That’s him,” he responded, “Only Spike would say something like that!”
***
They were both silent in the car, each lost in their own thoughts. Lindsey was worrying, the reality of the situation setting in on him now. He knew that he wasn’t going to be jealous of Spike. He knew that Angelus and William needed to be together, he wanted to help them get back together. But Angel was going to be included somewhere in that deal. In his heart he knew that anything that happened between Spike and Angel wouldn’t diminish anything that he and Angel had together. It wasn’t as if Spike would be pushing Lindsey out of Angel’s heart, he’d been there alongside sharing it all the while anyway. Angel had enough love for both of them, as did Angelus.
Lindsey was happy with this, the thing that was worrying him was, if William and Angelus did get back together, how would it all work out? Would both Angel and Angelus be kissing Spike? Would they both be making love to him or would one kind of…shut down? That brought him a new worry, who had he been sleeping with, who had he been kissing, was it just Angel or was Angelus there too? Again thoughts of ‘that night’ came back and niggled at him, neither him nor Angel had mentioned it and Lindsey had convinced himself that Angel was just stressed and had gone a bit too far, well by Angel’s definition anyhow…now he wasn’t so sure.
Angel had explained the dual existence to him and he thought he understood, but now he was worrying. It had caught him off guard earlier when Angelus had spoken to him through Angel, it shouldn’t have done, but it did. Another worry popped into his head, ‘how would Spike and Lindsey share Angel and Angelus at the same time?’
Lindsey was suddenly aware of Angel staring at him, a strange look on his face. “What?” he asked defensively.
“Nothing,” said Angel lightly, he was thinking just how amazing Lindsey was for doing this, how much he loved him for doing this, “just that I love you.”
“Angel, where is Angelus?” Lindsey asked glancing nervously at Angel, brining him suddenly back from his dreamy thoughts.
“What?”
“Like, where is he now? Am I talking to just you or is it both of you? When we kiss, who am I kissing?”
“Linds, pull over a second would you?”
“Sure,” Lindsey said, pulling over as soon as he could safely.
“Linds…” Angel took Lindsey’s hands in his own, stroking them softly, “first, I love you. You’re not going to lose me, not ever, you hear me?” Lindsey nodded. “Angelus is always present, he is witness to what I say and what I do that’s just the way it is. How can I explain this? When I’m kissing you, he is there but not partaking in the act, it’s me only me. It’s the same when we make love. He has nowhere to go, he can’t leave us utterly alone, but he tries his hardest to go as far behind me as he can. If William returns to Angelus I will show him the same courtesy. William won’t be kissing me or making love to me, I won’t feel it, I will just be aware of the act taking place, as if I’m sitting in the next room I guess.”
“I’m not going to lie to you Linds, I could share in the act if I wanted, as Angelus could with you if we agreed but I’m telling you, I won’t. I promise to stay faithful to you. We can change the degrees to which either of us is present, earlier when he spoke to you he was by my side, listening equally as I was, but he knows when to take a hike. I know it’s going to be hard for you to see this body maybe kissing William, but please, please remember it’s not me. I won’t be there. I am yours.”
“Angel,” Lindsey steeled himself, he had to know. He took a deep breath. “Last week… in bed…” he didn’t finish his sentence, looking up at Angel from under soft dark lashes, face open and full of need, the need to know.
Angel couldn’t look Lindsey in the eye. He dropped his gaze to his lap and fiddled with his fingers, twice he attempted to speak but fell silent, looking for the right words. Lindsey waited patiently, but slipped his hand into Angel’s offering support and encouragement. “I’m sorry,” he whispered faintly. Lindsey squeezed his hand, forcing down tears once more and not letting on that it hurt that Angel was again saying sorry for what he’d done. He had his answer. It had been a stressed Angel sharing his bed.
Lindsey thought Angel had finished speaking and so was surprised when he spoke again, almost to soft to hear, “We… I let him share you with me, he was in pain. I can give him emotional comfort but…” Angel began to cry, totally ashamed of himself, “Lin, I’m sorry, he wanted to feel…you’re so much like William, I guess he just, we both wanted, needed to feel William in you, seek comfort in you…. I swear I didn’t imagine I was with him though, I knew it was you I was with, I just, well, I needed and wanted to remember Will. I promise we’ll never do it again. I shouldn’t have…I was weak, I got lost. I am such a bastard, I knew that he was hurting you, no, that we we’re hurting you…but I just couldn’t stop, I lost control. If Angelus hadn’t stopped me I’d have drunk from you…. It would have been so easy. I was a mess, we both were. Oh fuck Lin, I’m….”
“Angelus stopped you?” Lindsey asked incredulously.
“Uh-huh, he knew how much I’d hurt afterwards if I let myself do it, if I gave in. Lin, I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You didn’t. It’s ok,” soothed Lindsey pulling Angel to him.
“No it’s not,” Angel insisted refusing to accept the comfort Lindsey was offering, “We shouldn’t have done it, not without…Lindsey what sort of monster am I that I just let another man have you, whored you out.”
“Angel don’t say that,” Lindsey pleaded he wanted him to stop, he didn’t to cheapen this, but Angel ignored him and carried on.
“I watched, no I helped another man to hurt you….You are so good to me and I repaid you by doing that, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say, I’m so fucking sorry,” Angel shoulders were shaking with his crying. He struggled against Lindsey who was trying to pull him close and eventually gave in and let Lindsey hold him.
“I know things were crazy for you both, you did what you did through grief, not to hurt me. It’s alright.”
“How the fuck can it be alright?” Angel snapped, “I could smell the disgust on you afterwards, for what I’d done, for what…”
“No,” Lindsey snapped back, “not for what you’d done, for taking it away, and now for making it sound sordid and dirty.”
“Huh?”
“For saying sorry. For making it a mistake! For fuck sake, it was Angelus! You make it sound as if you brought home some stranger and forced me to fuck him. I didn’t feel dirty, didn’t feel used until you sullied it with your apologies. OK, it would have been the right thing to ask me, but it’s done now, you can’t change that. But I do understand. Do you think I wouldn’t have helped if you had asked?
“It was what it was, three men needing comfort… yes THREE, I was hurting too you know. I was worried about you. I thought you didn’t want me anymore. That… what we did was healing, I felt…claimed, wanted, loved and then you just torn it all away again by saying that you were fucking sorry.”
“I was sorry for not asking your permission. I was sorry for brining another man into our bed, I felt guilty, ashamed!” Angel stated through clenched teeth.
“You weren’t sorry for claiming me?” Lindsey asked stunned.
“No,” he hushed so softly, shyly.
Lindsey grabbed hold of Angel’s face and devoured him with a kiss. “Right let’s go get Spike then,” he said cheerily as if none of what they’d just said had taken place, Angel’s face was one of pure shock, he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times and then went to speak
“Leave it,” Lindsey ordered before Angel could speak. What happened was in the past now, and it finally had meaning, he didn’t want Angel taking any of it back by saying the wrong thing.
“But…”
“No!” Lindsey stated firmly and holding Angel with a stare, “We’re good.” Angel nodded his agreement and Lindsey checked the lane behind him, indicated and pulled back on to the road.
~~~*~~~
They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, both feeling in much lighter moods. Angel for having been able to unburden himself and being forgiven, Lindsey for finding out that Angel hadn’t taken back the claim he’d made. Lindsey smiled at Angel occasionally and Angel returned his grin.
As they got closer, Lindsey could see Angel fidgeting a little, nervously playing with his hands, he reached and put his own hand on Angel’s. Angel smiled nervously at him and squeezed his hand, “Angel, you ok?”
“Linds, I can feel him, he’s here,” said Angel, so Lindsey pulled up to a stop at the kerb.
“Feel him?” asked Lindsey.
“Feel his presence. He’ll be able to feel me too. I just hope he thinks he’s imagining it or something.”
“Hmm,” Lindsey quirked his mouth and raised an eyebrow as if to say, ‘well ok, if you say so!’ “I’ll just go in and find him shall I?”
“No,” said Angel, and quickly added as he saw the confusion on Lindsey’s face, “phone him to say you’re here, he’ll be able to smell me on you. He might not come.”
“Huh? I do wash you know!” he said indignantly.
“Doesn’t matter how much you wash, you smell of me, you’re marked, you can’t wash it off. Your human nose can’t pick it up, but him, he’ll be able to!”
“I’m marked. Really?” Angel nodded and Lindsey felt all warm inside He couldn’t stop a stupid grin from spreading across his face. ‘I’m marked by Angel, I’m marked by Angel’ ran through his head in a sing-song fashion. Hmm marked by Angel, belonging to Angel.
“What are you grinning at?”
“Nothing, just thinking um, re…how was my other plan going to work?” Lindsey covered, rolling his eyes and smirking.
“I dunno, I guess I wasn’t really thinking.”
Lindsey made the phone call. Then they sat back and waited. They both starred at the pub door and out stepped Spike. “That’s him,” said Angel lightly and looked at Lindsey who was sitting with his mouth hanging open. “Linds?”
“Fucking hell,” exclaimed Lindsey, “when he said look for something sexy….. fuck me, he wasn’t lying.”
“Lindsey!” Angel mock scolded him, as he leaned over to flash the headlights at Spike to let him know where to go.
“Huh? Oh, Angel sorry!” said Lindsey flushing red with embarrassment.
“Its ok baby, I know,” Angel smiled.
They watched as Spike threw his fag on the floor, crushing it with his heel. He stalked over to the car, walking proudly and confidently as if he owned the street, duster swaying sexily behind him following the rhythm of his hips.
He wouldn’t have struggled to see them in the car even though it was night, but the heavily tinted windows that Lindsey had the garage install for Angel’s benefit made sure he didn’t stand a chance of seeing who was in the car. Lindsey popped open the back door and Spike slipped inside without so much as a cursory glance to see who was picking him up. Lindsey instantly set the locks on the doors as Angel had instructed him, not that it made any difference really, Spike could easily kick the door out if he wanted to.
Spike sat frozen on the back seat, totally shocked, mouth hanging open as Angel leaned over the front seat to face him. They both simply starred at each other. Angel broke the silence, “William,” he hushed reaching out to stroke the side of Spike’s face. Spike flinched a little, although he didn’t know why. Brown eyes turned to gold as Angel vamped and brought Angelus to the fore.
“William,” Angelus repeated softly again.
“Sire?” asked Spike, almost soundlessly, still holing the same shocked and disbelieving look upon his face.
“Aye, William.”
‘Fucking hell,’ thought Lindsey, fear creeping over him. Angelus was here. Angelus just became a reality. Not just a name spoken, a silent voice that passed on messages, a being hidden inside Angel’s body, but a real physical being. Lindsey knew that he had no real reason to be scared, not after all that Angel had told him, but he just couldn’t help it. A million thoughts rushed through his mind, what if Angelus wouldn’t let Angel regain control? What if Angelus killed him now so that he could have Spike all to himself? He jumped as he felt Angelus stroke his hand smoothly, calmly, comfortingly down his arm, but never taking his eyes off of William. “Lindsey, thank you fer finding m’boy,” his voice was so soothingly and sincere that Lindsey felt his fear simply float away.
Spike starred accusingly at the back of Lindsey’s head, noticing him for what seemed like the first time. Angelus knew why Spike was looking at Lindsey in that way, he disarmed the situation, “William, ‘tis Angel’s boy,” he tipped his head in Lindsey’s direction, “‘tis his scent that marks him, no’ mine.” Spike was instantly soothed and dropped his gaze from Lindsey and back to Angelus.
“Angelus,” Lindsey heard himself say below a whisper, “tell Angel that I’ll see him later?”
“Thank you,” he said sincerely again, realising the true meaning of Lindsey’s words. He was giving Angelus his blessing. He was giving up his Angel for a while, to let Angelus claim his childe. “I’ll be sure t’ tell him.”
Angelus was over the seat in an instant, holding his boy in his arms.
“M’boy?” Angelus asked softly.
“Always Sire,” was the whispered reply as Spike game faced.
Angelus leaned forwards and claimed Spike’s mouth in a frenzy. Spike instantly let his tongue caress one of Angelus’ smooth yet sharp fangs, cutting himself upon it and letting his blood flow freely into Angelus’ mouth. He offered himself back to his Sire. Angelus repeated the same actions, he accepted his son. He claimed back his childe.
“Lindsey, will you take us home?” said Angelus from the back of the car. Lindsey signalled, pulled away from the kerb and turned towards home.
‘Well that went well,’ thought Lindsey to himself. He’d expected them to have things to discuss or something, but it seemed that the past had just been wiped clean by those few words and a kiss. He didn’t know about the blood exchange and how it worked, the re-claiming or the feelings that passed through it from one vamp to the other. All of the “I’m sorries,” “I love yous,” “But hows?” “Forgive mes?” and so on He knew they were meant for each other, and smiled to himself that he’d helped to bring them back together.
***
Angelus moved his face mere fractions from Spike’s and slowly, methodically worked his way around sniffing every inch of his face and neck, re-discovering his boy and taking in any changes. Spike sat perfectly still, and allowed him do this. Angelus flicked his tongue out and teasingly rolled it against Spike’s brow piercings. Spike closed his eyes and rubbed his head against Angelus’ tongue as if he were a kitten being cleaned by its mother. Angelus traced his tongue down Spike’s cheek and across his chin flicking his tongue around the labret piercing. Satisfied he made his way to Spike’s mouth, licking along the length of Spike’s slightly open lips, before poking the tip of his tongue into the small gap, seeking entrance. Spike opened his mouth fully, inviting him in as they fell into a deep kiss. They took their time exploring each others mouths. Angelus kept coming back to the piercing in the centre of Spike’s tongue as if he couldn’t quite make it out, either that or simply that he loved the feel of it on his own tongue.
As they tasted each other, Angelus busied his hands too. He removed Spike’s duster, sliding it down his arms and letting it fall on to the seat. He wasn’t so considerate with the t-shirt, simply ripping it down the centre and disposing of it somewhere on the floor of the car. Angelus let his hands slide all over Spike’s body, stopping to roll Spike’s nipple piercings with his thumbs. He couldn’t make them out. Breaking the kiss, he looked down to see what he’d found. He watched his fingers as he played with the bars, rolling and sliding them, causing Spike to purr softly, in a tone that Lindsey’s human ears wouldn’t pick up on.
Angelus was fascinated by the piercings. Leaning his head down he licked at one and the purring increased. He took it into his mouth sucking, flicking and rolling his tongue all around and over the nipple and metal he found there. Spike let out a pleasured growl causing Lindsey to jump in the front of the car. He’d been lost in thought, semi forgetting about the vamps in the back as they hadn’t made a noise until now and of course he hadn’t seen them reflected in his rear view mirror.
Angelus smiled around the nipple before moving his mouth away to continue his exploration of the rest of Spike’s body. He ran his fingers all over Spike’s arms, tracing the patterns of the tattoos that he found there. He stopped and starred as he found the one of Dru, and ran his fingers over it lovingly, remembering. “I’m sorry Sire, I tried….,” Spike started sadly. Angelus cut him off, “Aye William, I know you did, I know. Hush now,” he caught Spike gaze, letting him see that he understood, that he didn’t blame him in anyway and that he was proud of him for all that he had done for Dru.
Spike broke the mood, not wanting to get ‘all mushy’ now. “So you like these then?” he asked rolling one of the bar’s through his nipple, “Well, you’ve got a big surprise coming up then,” he said quirking his eyebrow and grinning at Angelus.
Angelus looked at him, his eyes sparkling, wondering what Spike was talking about. “Show me.”
Lindsey was interested too now, what was it that Angelus had liked, what was his surprise? He starred at the mirror, wishing somehow that the two in the back would gain a reflection so that he could see what was going on.
Spike took hold of Angelus hand, placing it on his leather coated crotch. Angelus felt Spike’s hard cock and began to massage it through the material. As he slid his hand across the head, he suddenly stopped. His movements changed and he looked completely confused. He put aside giving pleasure and concentrated instead on discovering what he’d found. He squeezed and pressed at what felt like four little pearls, two on each side of the head. ‘What the fuck?’ he thought. He looked up confused at Spike, only to find him grinning widely at him.
“Show me,” said Angelus.
Spike did as he was told, undoing his leathers and wiggling around enough to get them down his hips to reveal his ‘surprise’. Angelus eyes widened as he laid eyes on Spike’s uncut and now pierced cock, with in a fraction of a second, Angelus practically inhaled it. Working fast, he slid his cool mouth up and down the shaft, swirling his tongue over the head and rolling it against what he now knew to be piercings. He changed to deep throating him, sucking hard and fast before coming back to play with the metal again. Angelus continually changed what he was doing, wanting to have everything…and now. Spike was moaning and growling at all the attention, it was too much for him, his Sire’s mouth wrapped tightly around his cock, so many sensations and….and…he was coming hard and fast, spilling his seed into his Sire’s mouth. Angelus groaned in pleasure as he tasted his boy after so long, taking every last drop that he could from him.
Lindsey was all hot and bothered in the front just from hearing the noise from the back, and really wishing that he could see what was going on. “I want it,” Angelus growled loudly, at Spike, his voice full of lust. There was a lot of movement from the back of the car, lots of shuffling and ripping noises mixed with growls. ‘What the fuck?’ Lindsey thought. Then a boot came flying into the front, followed by another, one landing on the passenger seat, the other in the foot well. Next some leathers were dumped over the seat.
‘No they can’t be,” Lindsey thought stupidly to himself, ‘of course that’s what….but I’m sitting here….’ he cut his thoughts off as shorts that he recognised as Angel’s landed on the steering wheel. Tossing them on to the seat beside him he thought, ‘Well, that’s something else I now know about vamps, they have no sense of shame or embarrassment!’
Angelus was on his hands and knees, his large form a little cramped on the back seat. He wanted to feel those piercings inside him. Spike bit his own wrist, letting some blood flow down the crack of Angelus’ arse and using some to slick his own cock. He licked the wound closed. That was all the preparation they needed. Spike positioned his cock at Angelus entrance. One hand on Angelus hip, and one on the back of the driver’s seat to steady himself and get the leverage he wanted, then he thrust home hard.
Lindsey had jumped as a hand landed on his shoulder, leaving a bloodied handprint behind when it left, ‘No! My car!’ he groaned to himself.
“Oh fuck yeah,” Spike growled loving the feel of his Sire’s arse muscles clenching tightly to hold his cock. Spike pulled fully out of Angelus then thrust home hard again, Angelus viciously pushing back to meet him. “Fuck that’s good boy, fuck me hard,” growled Angelus. The pair of them set a hard, fast, punishing pace slamming into and against each other mercilessly, growling, grunting, moaning and cursing all the while. If Lindsey had any doubts about Angel being involved, they had been totally cleared up now. There was no way that was his Angel going at it in the back of his car.
Spike lay his chest flat against Angelus’ back, reached around his waist and grabbed hold of his cock, pumping furiously to match their thrusting. Neither could hold on for much longer, it had been a lifetime since they’d been together, and this felt so good. Spike licked nuzzled and nipped at Angelus’ neck.
“Do it… fuckin’ hell …now … do it… fer fuck sake do it NOW!” Angelus shouted, but Spike continued what he was doing, “please Will?” he added begging. Spike pierced Angelus’ skin as he sank his fangs deep into his neck, causing Angelus to howl long and loud. Spike drank deeply, sucking hard drawing out his Sire’s blood, licking and lapping. He reached around to Angelus’ mouth with his free arm, offering his wrist. He growled in pleasure as Angelus tore into his flesh and drank from him. Their bodies moving at an inhuman speed, they simultaneously came, Spike spilling into Angelus’ arse and Angelus shooting all over his boy’s hand, across his own stomach and on the car seat. Spike removed his fangs from Angelus, lapping at the wounds and closing them, Angelus though drank a little longer from Spike before sealing his wounds with a lick of his tongue. Angelus fell flat on to the seat, allowing Spike to collapse on top of him, they lay there breathing hard, trying to catch breath that would never really come.
***
Lindsey sighed to himself in the front thanking ‘whatever’ that the two rabid ‘panthers’ in the back had finished their vicious mating. He could have sworn he had left with two vamps in the back, not two wild cats! At least that’s how he’d pictured them anyway from the noises and the way they were causing the car to rock about all over the place. He didn’t want to think what state his back seat was in. He groaned when he heard Angelus’ next words, “‘tis my turn!”
Spike was scrunched up, half lying with his back on the seat, half sitting against the door. Angelus had taken up the rest of the space, positing himself to enter his boy, one hand firmly against the window, holding his weight. Angelus pushed Spike’s legs further backwards with his free hand, bending his knees completely so that they almost fell in line with his ears.
“Fuck me raw, make me bleed Sire,” ordered Spike huskily.
‘Nooo,’ wailed Lindsey inside his head.
Angelus thrust hard into his childe’s willing arse, tearing him and making him bleed as had been requested.
“Holy fuck,” Spike screamed part in pain, part in pleasure.
“Fuck, yer still so fuckin’ tight,” growled Angelus in approval.
Spike bucked up a little, repositioning himself so that he could drop his knees over Angelus’ shoulders. He was able then to use his legs to pull Angelus down towards him for a kiss. The growling ceased, taken over by purring, soft moaning and the sounds of cool wet tongues and mouths playing. Angelus stilled inside his boy, his cock still pulsing hard waiting, as he put everything into their shared kiss. Their tongues played out a sweet dance, entangling together, stroking and sliding against each others, gently teasing. Angelus entwined his tongue around one of Spike’s fangs, circling it, stroking it, caressing it, enjoying the sting as he literally cut his tongue to shreds. Spike moaned loudly as his mouth was filled with Sire blood once more.
Spike began to buck against Angelus, setting him in motion again with long, slow and yet strong thrusts. Spike pressed his own tongue firmly against one of Angelus’ fangs, waiting. Angelus knew what he was waiting for as he bit down into it, piercing it for himself to drink from. The growling resumed again as they picked up the pace once more.
Angelus reached down to play with one nipple piercing, rolling and tugging at it before pulling it fairly hard, causing Spike to moan loudly. The kiss became more frenzied as fangs bit through fleshy lips releasing yet more blood. Angelus released Spike’s nipple and switched his attention to his cock, sliding his fist firmly up and down the length, rolling his thumb up and over the pierced head each time he passed it. Spike broke the kiss and dropped his legs to encircle Angelus’ waist as he scooted forwards a little, reaching around Angelus’ hip and…stretch … wiggle…until he reached Angelus’ entrance and slipped two fingers inside, pushing as deep as he could from the position that he was in, pumping his fingers in and out. He’d wiggled enough to find himself with his face pressed against a nipple, shifting a little more he sucked Angelus’ nipple into his mouth, nipping, licking, rolling and sweeping his bloodied tongue all over and around the hard nub.
The contorted, tangled heap of flesh on the backseat, writhed and wriggled, pumped, and bumped. It growled, roared, grunted, snorted and moaned. Angelus thrust hard into his boy making sure to hit his prostate each and every time, whilst fucking himself back on Spike’s fingers with as much passion and determination. He fisted his childe’s cock matching the pace of his thrusting. Spike worked Angelus nipple with his mouth, and with his one free hand, managed to reach for one of his own, tugging, pinching and pulling at the metal there.
A foot rhythmically kicked at the side of Lindsey’s head as something else, dug into the back of his chair pushing him towards the steering wheel with each growl from the backseat. He pushed the foot away and dropped it back over the seat. It came back again and he swatted it away with a slap. He received a growl but the foot didn’t return.
They were rocking the car like mad and Lindsey fought to keep it travelling in a straight line. The way they were slamming against the door, he didn’t think it would be long before they broke through it and fell out onto the street. Lindsey turned off of the main road on to a smaller one that turned into a dirt track part way down. He decided that was a mistake when the bumpy, uneven road excited the ‘bundle of vamp’ in the backseat to no end.
Spike bit hard into Angelus chest as orgasm hit him first, the bumps in the road and the awkwardness of their positions causing him to shoot over himself, the seat and part of the door. Feeling Spike’s bite, Angelus automatically looked to bite down on something too. He bit into his own arm, the one that was holding his weight up, seeing as nothing else was easily within his reach. The taste of blood on his tongue, the smoothness of it as it flowed down his throat, pushed him over the edge. He released his bite hold and howled as he came hard, spilling himself into Spike. He hadn’t closed the wound on his arm and had inadvertently treated Lindsey’s car to a red spray job, for a few seconds before the wound had healed itself.
“That was fucking amazing,” said Spike breathlessly.
“Aye, t’was,” replied Angelus panting just as hard.
‘Finally,’ thought Lindsey relieved. He almost cried when he heard Angelus
speak in a broken sentence, “So….want t’show…me …what …you can do with….this
nowww?” the last word was swallowed with a moan. Lindsey couldn’t see Angelus
teasing Spike’s tongue stud with his own tongue between his words. “My
pleasure,” answered Spike, smiling around the kiss, already preparing to
drop down on to his knees. Lindsey learned something else about vampires…they
were insatiable!
Back in Los Angeles CA
Lindsey pulled up in the garage, the two vamps still hammering away on the backseat. He let himself out of the car, leaving them to their fun and made his way inside. The hotel was deadly silent, the rest of the team having gone home long ago. At least he didn’t have to suffer grilling by Cordelia on top of everything else. He’d only been the driver and yet he stunk of sex, blood and sweat, he didn’t even want to think about the state of his poor car!
Lindsey ran himself a hot bath, slipped in and relaxed in the heat. It felt strange not having Angel in here with him, but he could handle it just this once. After so long of being apart, Angelus and William certainly deserved some time together, ‘and they’re certainly making the most of it,’ thought Lindsey. He had nothing against them fucking; in fact the idea of it had severely turned him on. He just didn’t like playing gooseberry.
Lindsey had only seen Spike for a few moments before he’d jumped in the car, he hadn’t dared look around into the backseat after that. He closed his eyes and tried to draw upon the image that he remembered, damn Spike was gorgeous. He hadn’t expected him to look like that, not that he’d built a profile in his head, but if he had, that wouldn’t have been the way he would have pictured him. ‘And the accent,’ thought Lindsey, ‘that was so sexy too. Come to think of it, so was Angelus’ brogue.’
Lindsey sunk lower into the water and let his mind wander. He couldn’t help but be horny after what he been subjected to on his drive home. He imagined his Angel, not Angelus, slowly sliding his mouth up and down the length of Spike’s hard cock, gently flicking his tongue across and around the head. He watched as Angel slipped the tip of his tongue into the slit, swirling it around in little circles, gradually getting larger and larger in diameter, making his way out, until his tongue was circling the entire head. Then he watched Spike’s cock disappearing into Angel’s mouth as he continued, swirling his tongue all the way down the shaft as far as he could, taking his mouth down to the base before sucking long and hard all the way to the top and starting again.
Lindsey let his hands glide down his own body, across muscular abs into his dark blonde curls, gently clawing his nails through them. He let one hand slide down to cup his balls, gently massaging them. Holding his cock in his other fist, he made long, slow strokes up and down the shaft. Pulling on the upward stroke so that his foreskin was taken as far as it would go, then squeezing tight on the downward stroke so that the foreskin would slowly roll backwards before allowing the head to ‘pop’ through and out of the top of his fist.
He moaned as he continued his actions at a slow pace, torturing himself. He pictured Angel sliding a slick finger into Spike’s tight arse as he still sucked him, crooking it just so to hit that special spot. Lindsey bent his knees up so they broke the surface of the water, letting them fall wide apart so that one knee rested against each side of the tub. He let the hand that had been massaging his sac, creep further downwards, sliding a finger into his own hole and back out again… not enough. Two back in… better! He spread his fingers wide, scissoring them with a swirling motion. He loosened his grip on his cock a little and began to pump his fist faster.
He thought about Angel’s head bobbing up and down Spike’s length, while Spike purred above him, he loved that purring sound. He pumped his cock faster, rocking it back and forth at the same time. He scissored his fingers faster, stretching himself wider. He watched as Angel slipped his finger out of Spike arse. His mouth left Spike’s cock for a second too, trailing a path along the sensitive crease of his leg. Lifting Spike’s hips in order to angle him better, Angel began to rim him slowly, flicking and circling his tongue around his entrance, Spike moaned… Lindsey moaned louder. Angel pushed his tongue deep inside Spike, lapping at his insides and wriggling his tongue wildly. Lindsey imagined his fingers were Angel’s tongue and copied the actions. Angel’s hand came up to pump Spike faster…and faster…and faster …and…. Lindsey was coming, coming, coming, moaning loudly, breathing hard, pumping his fingers furiously into his own arse and fisting his cock hard and fast. He slowed down his actions as he came down from his high, letting his fingers slide out of his hole and releasing his cock.
He finished washing, wrapped a towel around his waist and went through to the bedroom. Thankfully, in one respect, the vamps didn’t seem to have appeared yet so they wouldn’t have heard Lindsey’s screaming. But, not so good, Lindsey was alone.
***
Lindsey was woken by the sound of Angelus and Spike, playing in the bathroom. ‘Still going?’ he thought looking at the bedside clock seeing that it was 4.06am, they’d made it back to the hotel around 9.00ish last night. He listened to the voices coming from behind the closed door, and realised that they were actually being more considerate this time.
“Shhh, you’ll wake the boy,” said Angelus voice.
“But its…just…its..ju….soooo…fucking good.”
“I knoooww…ah…fuck….shit….ahhhhh.”
“Fuck me, fuck, meee …..I’m coming…… Angelllllussss.”
“William,” Angelus said softly lovingly, “My William.”
“Sire,” Spike replied just as warmly.
“Once more?” asked Angelus.
‘No,’ thought Lindsey, ‘they can’t, surely not again?’
“No mate, that’s it. I’m all shagged out.”
‘At last,’ Lindsey sighed.
“Aye, me too Will, me too.”
There was silence for a moment, broken finally by Spike who asked nervously, “What happens now then?”
“Will,” Angelus said in a comforting voice, “My Will. I love you. I have claimed you and marked you as you’ve done t’ me. We belong t’ each other. I’ll never lose you again. I do no’ want t’ leave yer side for a single moment…..an’ yet I must,” he finished sadly.
“You’re leaving me already?” Spike sobbed.
“No, never shall I leave you. Hush Will,” Lindsey could hear Angelus purring, the same as Angel had done to him on the night that they first got together. He imagined Spike curled up in Angelus lap being rocked back and forth as a baby, while Angelus soothed him.
Angelus continued in a soothing voice, “I promise you I will never leave you again, you have my word. But things will be difficult, we’ll make it work though, do no’ ever doubt that. The young boy in there, he belongs to Angel. They love each other as we love each other. He helped in brining you to me. He has been so selfless, so gracious and loving to Angel…and me, although I doubt he know that his kindness has touched me. He is willing to share with you, to give up his Angel fer a while so that you and I might be together. You must be as gracious and give me up for a while so that he may spend time with Angel. It’ll be hard fer you both, but ‘tis the only way. I’m so sorry Will.”
“I understand,” replied Spike sobbing, “It’s just, I’ve wanted you for so long, I’ve missed you so much.”
“As I have you, but, ‘tis time to return Angel to his boy now, just fer a while. I’ll no’ be lost forever to you, I’ll see you again on the morrow, ‘tis no’ so sad is it?”
“I’m just not ready to give you up yet.”
“Nor I you, but ‘tis the way it has to be. Never doubt that I am here fer you. Sometimes you might no’ see me clearly in this body, but I’m here nevertheless. I’ll hear you. I’ll answer yer call. Now, hard as it is fer me, I must let Angel go to his boy now, we owe him this. Angel will go to bed with his boy tonight He’ll make sure that yer safe and comfortable fer the night, he loves you too Will.”
“I understand. It is the way,” said Spike, crying. With his words, he was letting Angelus know that he would honour Angelus’ agreement with Angel.
“Sire?”
“Aye Will?”
“I’ve slept alone for so long. I just want you to feel you holding me while I fall asleep. Will you do that for me Sire, before you go, please? Even though you will leave me once I’m at rest, please Sire?” The desperation in his voice was overwhelming.
Lindsey had tears rolling down his face having listened to their conversation. How must they feel, to have found each other after so long, to have to leave again so soon? Lindsey remembered, from William’s journals how he couldn’t stand to be apart from Angelus for a moment, how he couldn’t sleep without him there, and how as the years went on Spike still had trouble finding sleep, peaceful sleep.
Lindsey grabbed his towel from the floor, wrapping it firmly around his waist. Before he really thought about what he was doing, he was out of bed and tapping gently on the bathroom door. “Can I come in… please?” he asked a little shakily.
He heard some shuffling around inside and some whispering before Angelus opened the door, holding his hand out as if bidding Lindsey entrance. Lindsey’s eyes skimmed Angelus’ body quickly, he was horrified to see that it was quite bruised, scratched and….. was that bites? He knew it was from the rough play earlier, knew that this was something that he’d have to get used to, but it was quite upsetting to see it on his lover’s body. Was this what Angel saw when he looked at Lindsey after their ‘not to be mentioned anymore’ session last week? And how did Angel feel knowing that he’d caused it?
Angelus wasn’t vamped anymore but his eyes were golden, not the soft brown that Lindsey was used to. Lindsey was kind of shocked, although not entirely surprised to find Angelus naked. He’d seen Angel wearing this body a million times, he’d touched this body, made love to it, and yet to see it like this was so different. Angelus wore this body so differently to Angel. You wouldn’t have mistaken the two if you knew either one so well.
Angelus was completely comfortable with his nakedness, Lindsey however wasn’t. He tried to look anywhere but ‘there’ and caught sight of Spike semi hidden in the corner of the room, hands resting on the sink with his back presented to the main part of the room. He was naked too. It was obvious to Lindsey that Spike was trying to hide that he’d been crying. He couldn’t help checking out Spike’s body, it was amazing, as perfect as his Angel’s and yet entirely different. He had a tattoo taking up the whole expanse of his back and spreading down perfectly sculpted arms. His butt was so tight, muscular in just the right quantity and his legs were the same, sculpted to perfection.
“Lindsey?” questioned Angelus with a smirk, suddenly breaking Lindsey from his trance. Caught, Lindsey flushed red and dropped his eyes to the floor.
“Angelus, I, I,” he stuttered still not making eye contact, “I couldn’t help overhearing you two talking….not that I was prying or anything,” he added quickly and nervously his voice shaking. He felt Angelus hand on his shoulder, an attempt to calm him?
“Well, and, well… and,”
“Aye?” asked Angelus softly.
Lindsey looked up to meet Angelus eyes, “Am I right that you and Angel can share this body equally if you wish? Like standing side by side, I think is how Angel explained it to me.”
“Aye ‘tis true, we can,” Angelus confirmed.
“Well, if Angel agrees…to stand equal to you at night….I don’t see why either Spike or me should ever have to sleep alone…” He went to say something else but was cut off as Angelus pulled him into a tight embrace, “Lindsey, you’ll do this fer me and m’boy? Thank you, so, so much. You have no idea what this means t’ us.” He let Lindsey go and he, the mighty Angelus, had tears in his eyes.
Spike didn’t say a word, wasn’t making a sound, but Lindsey could see his shoulders shaking uncontrollably, he was crying again. Not wanting to embarrass him, Lindsey nodded toward him, as if to make Angelus aware of his crying. Angelus smiled at Lindsey and nodded knowingly, he knew his boy was crying he could feel him, could taste and smell his tears on the air. “I’ll see you in bed….Angel?” he asked looking deep into Angelus eyes as if he was searching for Angel, his voice full of hope at his question. Gold eyes dissolved to brown, “I’ll be there soon, I promise. Linds, I love you so much,” he pulled Lindsey close and hugged him and kissed him.
“It was alright for me to offer…and it’s ok with you right?” Lindsey asked
“Lindsey, it was…you are wonderful, amazing, do you know that?”
Now that Angel was inhabiting the body, Lindsey dared to look at it. He sadly and concernedly ran his fingers over bruises and scratches as if he didn’t believe they were really there. Seeing his anguish Angel comforted him, “I’m fine baby. I’m not in any pain. It’ll all be gone by morning you’ll see.”
Angel kissed Lindsey again and as Lindsey pulled back from the kiss, the body before him seemed to change, signalling Angelus return. Lindsey slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him to allow Angelus to comfort Spike in private.
***
The three of them lay in bed, Lindsey and Spike flanking their Angel or Angelus. The older vampire had one arm around each of his boys and they in turn we’re both facing into his body, snuggled up to him. Lindsey had his hand on Angel’s chest, Spike had him around the waist, and each had a leg to hook theirs over. It was awkward with each boy being aware of the other, trying not to come into contact with each other, and uncomfortable for the one in the middle, but he could deal, he was happy.
Lindsey felt a cold hand take hold of his one on Angel’s chest and opened his eyes. His eyes met with Spike’s clear blue ones, as clear as his own and yet red rimmed from crying. Spike squeezed Lindsey hand reassuringly, and mouthed thank you at him, pumping his hand a little as if it would make it even more sincere. Lindsey smiled softly at him, Spike smiled back. He released the pressure on Lindsey’s hand and yet he never let go, closing his eyes contentedly he found peaceful sleep. It felt strange. Strange and yet right.
***
If it felt strange when they fell asleep, it was certainly weirder now. Angel woke first, but couldn’t move. He was as he had gone to sleep, still having an arm around each boy although the bodies around him had changed position. ‘This is nice,’ he thought. Lindsey’s head was tucked tight up into his right arm pit, face resting on his chest. Spike had his head wedged firmly into the crook of his neck on the left, gently lapping at the pulse point in his sleep. Lindsey was partially lying on Angel and had his right leg draped over both of Angel’s at an awkward angle that had their cocks pressed together, Angel’s one hard enjoying his current surroundings. Lindsey’s left leg rested along the side of Angel’s right. Spike’s left leg was across Lindsey, pinning him in place. One of Lindsey’s arms, his right, was wrapped tightly around Spike with his hand resting on his arse and pulling him hard against Angel’s side, his other arm rested behind him innocently on the bed. Spike had his left arm lying across the top of Angel’s chest and then up over Lindsey’s shoulder, which he was absently stroking. His other arm was trapped, squashed tight against his own body above the elbow, his hand then pinned between Lindsey’s hip and the top of Angel’s thigh where he had it bent in that direction.
Angelus was the next to wake, understandably pleased with the hard bodies draped over him. He spoke to Angel “Hmm, I feel like the filling in a sandwich, how ‘bout you?” Angel laughed quietly, but it was enough to stir the others.
Spike was instantly alert the moment his eyes were open. Lindsey took longer to fully rouse and shake off the remains of sleep, his cock hardened as he became aware of his surroundings.
“Well, helllooo Lindsey!” exclaimed Spike, quirking an eyebrow in his direction and grinning. He tensed and un-tensed his butt cheeks, causing the muscles to ripple under Lindsey’s hand. ‘Shit,’ thought Lindsey realising that he had hold of Spike’s arse and quickly snatching his hand away.
Lindsey wriggled a bit, trying to free himself from the tangle, which caused his and Angel’s hard cocks to rub together.
“Linds, please love?” Angel groaned as if drawing attention to the fact (like Lindsey didn’t know already!) trying to get him to stop moving about. The older vampire was being pulled in two ways. Angelus could feel Spike’s hard cock pressed against his side and could smell his arousal heavy in the air. He wanted to jump his boy, fuck him right now. Angel had the same problem going on with Lindsey. They couldn’t pick one over the other, and neither thought it would be right to get into a funky foursome now…actually that wasn’t entirely true, they were both up for it, but they had their boys to consider. Shit, the Angel/Angelus combo had to get away from both of them right now and go take a cold shower.
“Right, come on then, let me out,” said Angel, he thought he’d go for the ‘I know we’re all horny here, but I’m pretending that I don’t know…and I hope you’ll both please, please just let me out without ANY hassles because…. damn it, I don’t care if I’m whining, I’m hard and I want to fuck and I don’t know who to stick it to and I wanna cry and I don’t even know who to kiss good morning to,’ approach. Ok so that wasn’t really the approach he was looking for, but he kind of lost it somewhere near the end, so he finished, “I should go do some work,” and hoped it would work.
Surprisingly they both disentangled themselves from him and let him make his escape. He could feel two sets of eyes burning into him, checking him out as he made his way to the bathroom to shower.
As soon as he’d closed the door, Spike and Lindsey both let out a disappointed sigh and sank down in to their own sides of the bed. They both knew that he probably didn’t know what the hell to do being caught between the two of them, which is why they had both let him off lightly, allowing him to make his escape unhindered. Spike rolled onto his side so that he was facing Lindsey.
“I don’t suppose…,” asked Spike keeping his voice down.
“Suppose what?” Lindsey replied, keeping his voice low too and rolling to face Spike.
“I’ll do yours if you do mine,” he grinned, quirking his eyebrow, knowing full well that they were both hard as rock.
“I don’t even know you!” He replied, his tone raising an octave, yet still keeping his voice hushed.
“Hi, I’m Spike, the bloke whose arse you were feeling up in your sleep. There. Now you wanna do me?”
“…and I don’t think I want to know you,” he rolled his eyes.
“Why not? I’m lovely!” Spike joked.
“Besides, I’m Angel’s and you belong to Angelus. I don’t think they’d be too happy.” Lindsey cursed himself, why the fuck did he just say that? It made him sound as if he’d actually given some consideration to Spike’s inane comment. Sure he thought Spike was sexy, he got turned on by him, the way he looked, talked, walked and smelt, and he’d tossed off thinking of him and Angel together. But that was all hormones and fantasy, not love…right? Not that sex had to be about love, that wasn’t in the rules. But for Lindsey personally, it was. That’s what was important to him. He loved Angel, that’s what made it so special.
“I know,” Spike said softly, and in some way, Lindsey knew that Spike felt the same as he did, “but it would sort out his dilemma wouldn’t it?” he joked, lightening the mood.
“Do you think he’ll be alright?” Lindsey asked, nodding his head in the direction of the bathroom.
“Oh I’d say he’s got matters well in hand,” Spike grinned, using his fist to mime the old five knuckle shuffle to suggest what Angel was certainly up to in the bathroom.
“That’s not what I meant!” Lindsey grinned back at him.
“Lindsey?” Spike’s tone suddenly turned serious and he looked at Lindsey, his face full of sincerity.
“Yeah?”
“Look pet, I’m not very good with words but,” he broke eye contact, looking down at his hand resting on the pillow, “just thank you, you know, for everything that you’ve done, for everything that you’re doing… I was dead without him, and….” he trailed off, bringing his eyes back to meet Lindsey’s full on, “just …thank you,” he finished, smiling softly.
Lindsey took in Spike’s features, he suddenly looked much softer, innocent, and Lindsey couldn’t help but raise his hand and stroke it gently down the side of Spike’s cheek. Spike leaned into the touch, closing his eyes for a second until Lindsey had finished his single caress down the length of Spike’s face.
Spike opened his eyes, looking directly into Lindsey’s as he moved towards him across the bed. He leaned in and ever so softly kissed Lindsey’s lips, gently seeking entrance with his tongue, which Lindsey granted. Tenderly and so slowly they let their tongues entwine, circling downwards and inwards around each others opening their mouths fully as they took the kiss to its full depth, tasting each other. Lindsey found the piercing, rolling his tongue against it before they reversed the process, spiralling their tongues around each others just as slowly and gently as they drew back from each other, until just their closed lips met, gently pressed together as they had started. With the final placing of a soft peck upon each others mouths they parted fully. Lindsey didn’t feel guilty and neither did Spike, there was nothing sexual about this kiss, sensual yes, but not sexual. Spike spoke volumes with that kiss.
He put everything that he couldn’t say in words into that one moment, thanking Lindsey for everything he’d done for him, letting him know how much it all meant. There was pure love locked in that kiss, love towards Lindsey for making Spike’s life complete. Spike had surprisingly felt that same love returned to him, love towards Spike for helping making Angel complete too. They held each others gaze a moment longer, eyes mirroring everything that the kiss had just meant.
“Shhh,” said Spike suddenly, even though Lindsey hadn’t spoken, eyes now gleaming, changing his composure back as he closed the door to his inner feelings.
“What?”
“Shhh, listen!”
Lindsey didn’t know what he was listening for, then his ears picked up on a faint sound obviously much easier for Spike to have heard. They listened to the muffled sounds of panting and soft moaning followed by a sigh of relief coming from the bathroom as Angel(us) came. They both sighed in response to the sweet sound.
They listened as the shower was switched off and a few moments later Angel, now in control of the shared body, appeared at the door looking every part an Adonis. A towel wrapped low around his waist, his hair wet, letting droplets of water drip onto his muscular chest and back, that he hadn’t bothered to dry anyway, slowly rolling further down being absorbed by the towel as they reached it.
“Oh that’s bloody fair,” said Spike sarcastically, “Fucking cock tease or what?”
“Huh?” Angel genuinely looked confused. He looked towards Lindsey to gage his reaction. Lindsey rolled his eyes at him in response as if to say, ‘duh! What, you really don’t know?’
“Huh?” again, and then it clicked, “sorry, I…I didn’t , um….my clothes they’re all in here,” he rummaged through the drawers pulling out some shorts, then went to the cupboard where he chose some pants and a shirt. He turned back round and was unnerved to find two sets of stunningly clear blue eyes starring hungrily at him and two identical mischievous smiles. These two were so alike and yet so very different at the same time. The way they were looking at him now, he felt like a piece of meat. Angel absently clutched at his towel and held his clothes tight to his chest, suddenly feeling very vulnerable and exposed.
“What?” Angel asked defensively, before slipping out of the room only to appear mere seconds later fully clothed. He eyed them suspiciously as he walked back in, it having just occurred to him that they were still both in the bed. Both naked in the bed, neither having made the attempt to get up and dressed yet…although he supposed he was hogging the only shower. And they looked amazingly comfortable in each others presence, even though they didn’t know each other as such. Admittedly however, they were very much separated, each keeping to their own side of the bed and there was no scent in the air to suggest anything ‘like that’ had taken place.
“Right,” said Angel pushing his thoughts away, “I’m gonna go downstairs and see what’s what before they come looking for me. I’ll be back as soon as I can. There are things that we need to discuss. “
“Like who’s going to drive me back to pick up my car?” Spike butted in.
“What?” Angel asked.
“I said like who is going to take me back and pick up my car. I only paid for it to stay in the lock-up for a couple of nights. When you two napped me yesterday I left it behind didn’t I…and it’s got all my stuff in it.”
“That’s not what I meant, but we’ll see to that later if you really need to get it.”
“What do you mean if I bloody need to get it? I said it’s got all of my bleedin’ stuff in it, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g,” he extended the word as if to make his point clearer and Angel didn’t doubt it was the truth, he knew Spike had next to nothing to call his own. “I love that car,” Spike added to finish.
“I loved my car,” Lindsey added sadly.
“What? Your car is in the garage,” said Angel. Lindsey raised an eyebrow at him in a ‘come on, think about it’ way.
“Oh,” said Angel getting what he meant.
“Exactly,” said Lindsey, “I am never getting in that car again.”
“I’ll get it sorted, and in the meantime you’ve got your truck,” offered Angel.
“How are you going to sort it? It looks like a massacre has taken place in it…and that’s only in the front, I didn’t even look at the back…and as for my truck, you two are never setting foot in it!”
“Sorry,” said Angel stupidly adding at the end, “I wasn’t there remember, I promised I wouldn’t be…and I wasn’t so I….”
“Well you might not have been, I however was there for the full surround sound, interactive, smell-o-rama, multi feature,” adding silently to himself, ‘and I didn’t even get to watch!’
There was a knock at the suite door and Wes’ voice floated through breaking up their light hearted banter, “Angel, Lindsey ..um.. are you two awake yet?”
“Oh shit,” spat Angel, then finished quickly, “Linds can you find something for Spike to wear? Spike there’s blood in the fridge help yourself and both of you, please stay here till I get back. Spike, I mean it! I want to tell the others that you’re here and explain things calmly. Yep Wes, I’ll be right there,” he shouted the last words in the direction of the door.
Angel bent down and kissed Lindsey, looking suspiciously at him as he stood back up. He then looked at Spike who was feigning the picture of innocence. Brown eyes lightly flecked gold as Angelus moved to the other side of the bed and kissed Spike, also looking suspiciously between the two of them. This time Spike grinned a little and shrugged, before looking the other way.
Specks of gold changed back into pure brown as Angel stood in the bedroom doorway, “I’ll be back soon, now stay in the suite ok,” he reminded them, looking back and forth between the two of them once more before slipping out of the door, across the lounge area and out of the suite.
“What was that about?” asked Lindsey.
“Tasted us on each other,” Spike said very matter of fact.
“What?” Exclaimed Lindsey shocked.
“It’s ok,” Spike interrupted before Lindsey could go off on one, “they know we didn’t do anything else…besides we don’t smell of sex.”
“Oh,” Lindsey said dumbly.
“Trust me. They’re ok with it…both of them!” Spike said reassuringly, and Lindsey believed him.