Disclaimers: I don’t own any of the Buffy or Angel characters. Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy etc do. No copyright infringement is intended or inferred and no profit is being made (as if people would pay money for my work anyway!)
Notes: Response to a challenge set by Deana to answer a questionnaire for your least favourite male character without revealing their name (hence the annoying MC1 & MC2 bits all over the place…you’ll see what I mean!)
I cheated.
I chose not one, but two male characters and they were my favourites!
Spoilers : None
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
MALE CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE CHALLENGE
1. IF YOU COULD BUILD YOUR HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
The Outer Hebrides.
I remember this little island…went there one summer, just me and Him. The girls ventured off to France or Spain, somewhere that way, I don’t remember now.
We stayed in a little house that was practically on the beach and spent the days sheltering from the sun inside the house, lying in each others arms and listening to the calming sound of the rolling ocean as we dozed on and off wasting the day away.
I loved it out there, everything was so peaceful. The only sounds were those of nature, none of the noisy factories and such. The air was clean and crisp. Hardly anyone else lived there, it was as if we had the whole island to ourselves…and I guess after we ate the tiny population, we really did!
I remember this one night. *That* night. We were just laying on the beach looking up at the stars, so bright out here, not like in London. He suddenly decides it’s funny to rub sand in my hair and go running off down the beach giggling. He knows I’m not a good swimmer and so of course, he tries to make his escape into the sea, but I caught him. I dived at him, dropping both of us to the floor, taking us into a roll that ended with him on top, still giggling manically….then he just said it, “I love you,” just like that, the words fell from his lips. I mean I knew that he did, that was obvious. He shows me in all of his actions and I can see it in his eyes, but he’d never said it before. I usually got a “me too” when I said it to him, or a soft sigh as he nuzzled against my neck that meant “I love you” from him.
He stopped laughing and took in my stunned expression. Then he said
it again. On an out breath, a soft whisper, “I love you,” as he moved in
to claim my mouth. We made love right there on the sand, the stars shinning
above us, the moon full and bright and the waves breaking over our entwined
bodies, the…..
MC2: “Whatch doin?”
MC1: “Huh? Nothing!” (*putting on innocent face whilst hugging questionnaire to chest*)
MC2: “Yeah you are…let’s see.” (*trying to grab said questionnaire from other’s death grip*)
MC1: “No!”
MC2: “Fine!” (*gives the pout that he knows will break the other man and get him what he wants*)
MC1: “Look, if you must know, I’m just filling in a questionnaire.” (*See*)
MC2: “Not from one of those girly mags is it? How can I tell if my man really loves me kinda things?”
MC1: “What? No!”
MC2: “Uh-huh” (*cheeky, yeah sure I believe you smile*)
MC1: “It’s not!”
MC2: “Go on then, what’s it say?” (*flopping down into a chair and getting comfortable*)
MC1: (*sigh*) “The next question is….2. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?”
MC2: “Of my own or my favourite on you?”
MC1: “Your own I guess…um, (*shyly*) why, is there something special you like me in then?”
MC2: “In your birthday suit mate….or (*coyly, looking down at fingers and playing with them*) in one of your cashmere sweaters…they’re nice and soft when I cuddle up to you and you look, well you know…and I like it when you walk around with no socks and shoes on, although I guess that would be lack of clothes really, and I like it when you wear that plum coloured shirt but don’t bother to button it….don’t suppose there’s something you like to see me in is there?”
MC1: “Your jacket, well you naked inside the jacket…remember that time when you went out like that, just duster and boots and I had no idea until you started flashing me?….and I like seeing you in nothing but one of my shirts.” (*not going to tell him it’s because it makes him look young and innocent, like a little boy playing dress up in too big clothes, and yet entirely sexy at the same time*)
MC2: “You what?”
MC1: (*cough*) “So um, 3a. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?”
MC2; “Next question”
MC1: (*the look*)
MC2; “Oh I dunno…tits?”
MC1: “Is that a question or statement?”
MC2: “Statement. What about you?”
MC1: “Um, yeah, I guess breasts too…3b. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE SAME SEX? As if I don’t know what you’re going to say” (*muttered under breath*)
MC2: “I can only choose one?”
MC1: “That’s what it says.”
MC2: “Hips.”
MC1: “What? Hips?” (*not the answer he was expecting*)
MC2: “Ah-huh.”
MC1: “Why hips?”
MC2: “Loads of reasons.”
MC1: “Like?”
MC2: “Like walking up behind you, taking a firm hold on your hips and pressing myself against you. Like holding your hips when we’re shagging to pull you closer or control your movements. Like forcefully holding you to the bed, pressing my thumbs hard into your hips as I suck your cock. Like gripping your hips and pulling you in closer when I’m on my knees for you so that I can take you all the way to the back of my throat. Like watching your hips buck wildly as you come. Like running my hands over your hips and sliding them down to cup your arse. Like feeling your big hands on my hips, all possessive like. Like my hips rocking against yours as I kiss you, suck on your nipples…..and yeah, I’m cheating I couldn’t really think of one favourtie feature.
MC1: (*breathing a little heavily*) “Your mouth, I like your mouth best. The things you do. The things you say.”
MC2: “Yeah?” (*wicked grin before moving in to steal a long deep kiss*) “Next question?”
MC1: (*dreamily*) “Huh?”
MC2: “I said, next question.”
MC1: “Oh yeah, um 4. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?”
MC2: “Bought?”
MC1: “Well nicked in your case….mine was a Billy Idol one.”
MC2: “You? You bought one of Billy’s CD’s?”
MC1: (*little coy shrug*) “I liked the picture on the front…reminded me of…someone. So what one did you….steal then?”
MC2: “Britney Spears” (*utterly mortified and shamed*) “thought I was getting one of Manson’s but some sod must have switched the CD’s inside…Manson case, Britney CD.”
MC1: “Did you play it?”
MC2: (*gives an incredulous “what do you think?” face*)
MC1: “Right, 5. WHERE'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE?”
MC2: (*mumbles something*)
MC1: “What?”
MC2: “I said, anywhere you are. Ok, now you can stop pestering me!” (*snapped a little angrily to cover the sappiness of his statement*) “What? Stop fucking grinning at me!”
MC1: “Wanna know where mine is?”
MC2: (*feigning uninterested shrug*)
MC1: “On you, in you, under you, over you, behind you, wrapped around you….stop fucking grinning at me.” (*said with no malice, just imitating other man, and sporting a huge ear to ear cheeky smile*)
MC2: “Can if I want.” (*sticks out tongue*)
MC1: “Careful, you do that and I might just bite it off…and I mean your tongue! So, 6. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE?”
MC1 & MC2: “Sunnydale” (*bad memories for both*)
MC1: “7. WHERE'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?”
MC2: “Place, place? Or Place on my body place? Never mind. Place, place…anywhere. Place on me…all over.”
MC1: “You’re not allowed to answer it like that.”
MC2: “Says who?”
MC1: “Well that’s not what the question said…”
MC2: “So? Not like the questionnaire police are gonna get us is it? We’re *cough* old and can answer questionnaires how we bloody well like right?”
MC1: “Guess so, well in that case then, my answer is that same as yours. Wait no, if massaging with the tongue and teeth counts, I love it when you get this little bit right here (*points to the base of his neck and fractionally over to the right*) Next, number 8. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?”
MC2: “Depends…a strong mind would be able to think up loads of really good shagging positions…”
MC1: “…but a strong body might be good for carrying the positions.”
MC2: “Exactly. Lucky we’ve got both then isn’t it!”
MC1: “Uh-huh., although I think we should have answered it more deeply that that. Right, 9. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?”
MC1 & MC2: (*pffft sound*)
MC1: “10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE SHOW?”
MC2: “You in the shower. Watching you soap up and rub down…of course, the show gets better once I join you.”
MC1: “Do you think it means like that?”
MC2: “Dunno. Don’t care. That’s the show I like…never miss it!”
MC1: “I like, no love, the one where you won’t let me touch you, and instead make me watch as you work all over your own body teasing me, teasing yourself. I love it when you get to that bit where you take hold of your cock and pump it so, so slowly…the best is when you come, the way your mouth falls open and the way you hold my stare until that last moment when you screw your eyes tight and let your head fall back…..hey, you alright?
MC2: “Yeah,” (*little breathless*)
MC1: “11. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?”
MC1 & MC2: (*joint giggle*) “The vibrating coffee frother thing.”
MC1: “12. FAVOURITE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES?”
MC2: “Our next door neighbours dog had puppies and my mum let me have one…we used to go everywhere together…me and the dog, not me and my mum.”
MC1: “The day my mum let me hold my baby sister for the first time.
I put my thumb into her tiny little hand and she gripped it so tightly,
looking up at me with wide bright eyes and….and that’s it!” (*finishes
lamely*)
MC1: “13. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?”
MC2: “Things that are funny, duh!”
MC1: “That’s not a real answer.”
MC2: “Well I duuno, how am I supposed to answer it. There aren’t set things that make me laugh. What? Well you answer it then.”
MC1: “Um, err…yeah I see what you mean, difficult isn’t it? OK, 14. WHY DO YOU SPEND YOUR DAYS THE WAY YOU DO?”
MC2: “And what the fuck is that supposed to mean? I spend my day the way I do, because I just do. What’s better than spending the day….night, fighting or fucking?”
MC1: “Nothing, sounds perfect to me! Next, 15. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?”
MC2: “Drums? Guitar? Dunno really…something loud!”
MC1: “Ah, I can play an instrument.”
MC2: “Really? What?” (*impressed*)
MC1: “A penny whistle.”
MC2: (*bursting into laughter*) “Can I change my mind about what makes me laugh?”
MC1: “Fuck you!”
MC2: “Eh, eh, no need to get nasty Peaches, come on, what’s next?”
MC1: “16. FAVOURITE RESTAURANT/CAFE/EATERY? But we don’t…..”
MC2: “You.”
MC1: “Huh?”
MC2: “You. My favourite place to eat is straight from your veins…and if I can do it while we’re shagging…bonus!”
MC1: “I didn’t think of it like that…I guess feeding from you is my favourite too.”
MC2: “You guess?”
MC1: “No, I mean is, it is!” Next, 17. SCARIEST MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE?”
MC2: “I don’t get scared.”
MC1: (*gives the, “come on don’t give me that” face*)
MC2: (*in barely a whisper*) “When I realized that you weren’t coming back, after the soul…and I don’t want to talk about it ok?”
MC1 & MC2: (*a few moments understanding silence*)
MC1: “Mine was waiting for you to wake when I turned you. I was so scared that something was going to go wrong, that you wouldn’t…..you know….”
MC2: “Really? That was the scariest?”
MC1: “Well that and that time you had to borrow some of Lorne’s clothes to come home in. Frightened the life out of me seeing you standing in the lobby wearing….THAT! ( *shiver of remembrance*) Anyway, 18. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?”
MC1 & MC2: (*joint ‘duh’ faces*)
MC1: “19. FAVOURITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?”
MC2: “Dunno what it was called, mum used to read it to me when it was bedtime, had a magic pig in it.”
MC1: “I didn’t read when I was a child, but out of the modern ones I
like The Phantom Tollbooth, don’t know why really…just do.”
MC1: “20. WHAT BOOK DID YOU FINISH MOST RECENTLY? That reminds me, have you seen my book lying around? I only got to the end of chapter 2. It’s called Sanctuary – Tales from the Vampire Sex bar. Never mind, I guess it’ll turn up. So, what’s the last book you read?”
MC2: “Sanctuary – Tales from the Vampire Sex bar by Stephen Andrew Lee. Heard of it?” (*Half cheeky, half guilty face*)
MC1: (*withering sigh*) “21. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON?”
MC2: “Winter….Christmas presents!
MC1: “Summer.” (*dreamy look thinking about that tiny house on the beach*)
MC1: “22. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE? Oh wait, you’re not gonna be able to answer that are you?” (*sarcastic*)
MC2: “Listening to Cordy bitch about….well about everything.”
MC1: “That’s not a household chore.”
MC2: “She’s IN the household and it IS a chore.”
MC1: “My least favourite chore is having to literally chip dried blood and Weetabix out of the inside of the mugs. Do you know how difficult that stuff is to get off? How solid it sets? No, of course you don’t…would it be too much trouble for you to put them into soak? Would……”
MC2: (*snatching questionnaire from other man*) “23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?”
MC1: “Do I need any more?”
MC2: “I know, me too, can you actually build on perfection? Although, suppose we could turn invisible, we could….I dunno, we could do something.”
MC1: “Or we could do one of those disappearing in a puff of smoke exit things.”
MC2: “We can already do that one…only it’s kind of permanent!”
MC1: (*snatches back questionnaire*) “24. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT AND WHERE IS IT?”
MC2: “Does it really say that or did you just add that in? I told you
already, I am not gonna let you tattoo any part of me until you get your
nipple pierced like I wanted you to! I got my eyebrow done for you, now
it’s your turn, fair’s fair.”
MC1: “I think we’d best leave the next question, I can see it causing trouble.”
MC2: “Let’s see.”
MC1: (*turns paper round so that other man can see question 25. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST LOVE AND AT WHAT AGE?*)
MC2: (*sulkily*) “So I take it I wasn’t your first love then?”
MC1: “Told you that one would cause problems. It’s not like I was your first love is it?”
MC2: (*become interested in twiddling the ring he’s wearing*)
MC1: “Hey?” (*softly*)
MC2: “Actually if you must know…yes. You were my first love!” (*finally makes eye contact*)
MC1: “I had no idea.” (*amazed and awed*)
MC2: “Yeah, well, now you know….so who was your then?” (*snippily*)
MC1: “Her name was….you know what? I can’t remember and it doesn’t matter anyway. I’d trade everything for you. You are my true love, that’s what matters. No one else could ever take your place, no one has ever compared to you.”
MC2: (*small smile*)
MC1: “26. THE SONG YOU WISHED YOU HAD WRITTEN?”
MC2: Longview by Green Day…I just think it’s funny when you hear all the kids singing it without actually realizing what they’re singing about…although if I had to choose one because of the feelings it gave me or just ‘cause I like them….I dunno, too many to choose from. What about you?”
MC1: “I don’t know who sings it or what it’s called. It’s on one of your CD’s.”
MC2: “Well how does it go then?”
MC1: “It’s silly, I know but it makes me think of you, about the night I turned you. It says girl in it, and I know you’re not a girl but if you ignore the words and just go with the feelings…… (*starts to sing quietly, shyly, unsure of himself*)
Girl I want to die with you
In each other's arms
We'll drown in flame
If this time, were the last time
Could I hold you all life long?
Since this time is the last time
Can I hold you all night long?
Lay your head down, for the last time
…then it just…that’s the part that makes me think about you.”
MC2: “It’s Type O Negative and it’s called Die with me…rather appropriate!
I should have chosen a better one, one to sing about you, not just something
to make me laugh.”
MC1: (*warm smile*) “27. DO YOU PREFER CATS OR DOGS?”
MC2: “Dogs.”
MC1: “Yeah, dogs too. 28. WHAT IS IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?”
MC2: “Few empty beer bottles, couple of mags, axe, tarp, Cordelia…”
MC1: “What!” (*shocked*)
MC2: “Well she was doing my bloody head in, yap, yap, yap…What? I gave her air holes! Anyway, moving swiftly on to the next question…29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY?”
MC1: (*Growl*)
MC2: “Oh, you don’t like that question? How bout the next one then…” (*edging towards the door, ready to make a quick exit*) “30. USING ONLY ONE WORD, DESCRIBE YOURSELF.”
MC1: (*giving the “you answer it” face*)
MC2: “Fucked?”
END