You got us!

Sequel to “You want us?”

Author: rollinginangeldust (aka Angel Dust)

Pairing: Angel and Spike

Disclaimers: I don’t own any of the Buffy or Angel characters. Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy etc do. Oh and I suppose I’d better mention that there is one line from a Marilyn Manson song in this story, doubt anyone would have cared but just in case…also no copyright infringement is intended or inferred and no profit is being made (as if people would pay money for my work anyway!)

Notes: Sorry for the many boring domestic bits and pieces, but they’re essential to the plot (no honestly, there is a plot in there!)
…Soooo unfortunately Angel and Spike both have that same REAL LIFE that we’re always complaining takes away our typing time. Did that make *any* sense?

Also this is another one of those stories where I had so many ideas but the story was getting too big, too complicated. It was taking too long, I was getting bored with it etc and so after deleting sections here and there I’ve ended up with a few small snapshots instead.

Spoilers : None

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Angel smiled as he looked back at his sleeping Childe, flat on his back with one hand resting protectively on their son who was snuggled up on his chest, before slipping silently out of their suite and closing the door behind him.

xxXxx

“Hmm?” Spike slowly opened one eye as he felt Kelan beginning to stir against his chest. Kelan butted his forehead against Spike a couple of times before fixing his mouth to his father’s collar bone and sucking.

“How can you be hungry again?” Spike yawned as he rolled lazily on to his side and repositioned Kelan so that he could feed him. Kelan had woken Spike with his wriggling so many times since getting into bed that he’d lost count.

Although he’d managed to settle his son quickly each time and fall back to sleep himself, it was still disturbed sleep, not restful or peaceful.

“That’s it, let Daddy sleep,” Spike’s voice trailed off as he cuddled Kelan against him and promptly dozed off again leaving his son happily guzzling away.

It seemed as if he’d only just closed his eyes, when once again Spike was woken by Kelan moving around. He tried to get him to latch on again and feed a bit more so that he could sleep longer, but Kelan wasn’t interested. Spike tried stroking his hand calmingly down his son’s back and snuggled up against him hoping that it would encourage him to go back to sleep, but Kelan was having none of that either.

Spike rolled on to his back and brought Kelan with him. “You’re not going to go back to sleep are you?” Spike sighed tiredly as he studied the little bundle, eyes wide and shining; anything but sleepy.

“Alright, what do you want to do then? How’s about we get dressed then go and find your other daddy huh?” Spike moved to get up and as he did so, rolled through a wet patch. He groaned as realised that he’d leaked milk all over the under-sheet again.

Spike held Kelan in one arm as he pealed back the duvet then pulled the under-sheet free, causing the pillows to tumble further down the bed. Luckily the mattress hadn’t suffered, the sheet had absorbed everything. Spike balled the sheet up and threw it in the hamper as he walked through into the nursery.

“Right what do you want to wear today?” Spike yawned the question as he rummaged through the drawer with one hand, still holding his son in his other arm.

“Let’s see we’ve got teddy bears, giraffes, bunnies, duckies, doggies,” Spike ran through the selection of baby-suits, “and um, piggies. You want to wear the piggy one? Yeah, ‘course you do.”

Spike took the baby-suit over to the changing mat with him where he lay Kelan down and chatted to him whilst stripping him of his sleep-suit and wet diaper.

“That is some fat nappy you’ve got there,” Spike told Kelan, indicating just how full and wet his nappy was. “Hold still will you,” he then told his squirming son as he struggled to clean him and put a new diaper on before finally dressing him.

“Come on then Piglet,” Spike picked up Kelan, kissed his forehead and carried him through to the bathroom. “Daddy needs a shower to wake himself up.”

Spike lay Kelan down on a changing mat on the bathroom floor. First he brushed his teeth. Next he slipped off the shorts that Angel insisted he wear, now that a child was sharing their bed more often than not, then stepped into the shower and switched it on.

Kelan was content to lay in silence watching his father as he showered and gave him the run down on what he was doing. “See and then if you rub the soap like this you get…” Spike rubbed the soap over the end of his hand and couldn’t help but yawn a couple of times before he blew against the soapy film he’d made, “…a bubble!” Kelan didn’t look overly impressed.

When Spike repeated his action, Kelan this time seemed to screw his face up in concentration, only it turned out not to be in wonderment. Spike scented the air and sighed tiredly, “I think someone needs a new nappy already. Hang on a minute.”

Spike finished soaping himself up, then let the water beat down on him and wash away all of the suds. Not being spoken to for a moment, Kelan began to grumble a little. Spike cut his wash short and got out of the shower, no more refreshed than when he stepped in. He dried himself off before wrapping the towel around his waist. He didn’t bother to style his hair, hadn’t done that in ages, just rubbed a towel through it and left it however it fell. “Come on then Poopy,” he picked up Kelan and took him back through to the nursery.

“I’m sure you wait until I’ve just cleaned you to do this,” Spike mumbled as began to change Kelan’s diaper for the second time in half an hour, “and arrgh, how did you managed to get it all up your back? Oh bloody hell,” Spike cursed noticing that the contents of the so called anti-leak diaper had managed to squirt out over the baby-suit too.

Spike thought about giving Kelan a bath but then decided just to clean him up with cotton and wipes. He thoroughly cleaned his baby, re-diapered him and re-dressed him; this time in the duck suit.

“Well that’s you done…again! Now I need to get dressed.” Spike carried Kelan through to the bedroom and laid him down in the centre of the bed as he helped himself to some clothes from the cupboard, never fully taking his eyes from his son in case he suddenly learnt how to roll.

“Right,” Spike stated having pulled on his jeans and slipped a black t-shirt over his head. “I’m going to get something to eat then we’ll go see what Daddy is up to,” then he added wryly, “…and let him have some fun looking after you.” Kelan didn’t offer any protest so Spike picked him up and carried him through to the kitchen.

“You just sit there a minute,” Spike told his son as he lay him down in the baby bouncer, careful to do up the restraints so that he wouldn’t slide out, and set about fixing himself a meal.

With Spike’s attention taken away from him again, Kelan began to whimper. When he wasn’t instantly picked up the whimper turned into a cry.

“Hang on, nearly done,” Spike assured him as he poured the contents of two blood bags into a bowl, put it in the microwave and set the countdown.

Kelan started to cry with the urgency and force that could insinuate ‘I’m being attacked’ and not that he’d only been put in his bouncer for two minutes so that his father could feed.

“Alright, just two seconds Kelly,” Spike tried to soothe him as he took his warmed blood out of the microwave. In his haste Spike managed to spill a good portion of the blood over the counter as he poured it into his mug. “Shit!” He cursed, then realising he’d done so, did it again without thinking, “Oh bollocks. I mean…oops. Hey you didn’t hear me say that right?”

Spike put his mug on the table as he walked past it to take his now distraught son out of the bouncer.

“Ah, look what you’ve done,” Spike sighed to Kelan, referring to the two wet circles appearing on his t-shirt caused by his breasts leaking in response to his son’s cry.

“You hungry again huh? I’m not surprised. I think you emptied the entire contents of your tummy into that nappy,” Spike told him as he undid the restraints and scooped him up, rocking him calmingly as he walked back across the kitchen floor.

“Ok, let see what I’ve got for you,” Spike continued to soothe Kelan as he took up a seat at the table. He took off his t-shirt and positioned Kelan to feed whilst he drank his own half mug of blood. In his father’s arms again, Kelan quietened quickly.

“You finished yet?” Spike questioned after a while. Kelan still continued to guzzle away, making soft snuffling noises. It seemed that he was never going to stop drinking.

Spike wanted the best for Kelan and so was grateful that he’d been able to breast feed, even if it did drain his already low energy. He enjoyed the closeness of feeding his son and Kelan enjoyed it too, often not suckling for want of food but more for the familiarity, comfort and security of the act. Most of the time Spike was content to sit back and let Kelan take his time but sometimes, like now when there were other things that needed doing, it could be a little frustrating.

“Hurry up Piglet, we need to go and put our dirty clothes in the wash or I’ll never keep up.”

Spike and Angel had always been able to leave their laundry until at least the end of the week, but Kelan went through towels and clothes at an alarming rate and often soiled theirs and their bed linen as well as his own. Spike was also going through shirts faster than usual and so, not previously one for domesticity, he had now been forced to change and take on more household responsibilities to ensure that his son was properly cared for.

Realising that Kelan was no longer suckling and merely holding the small man-breast in his mouth Spike tried to unlatch him. Of course as soon as he tried Kelan began suckling again. “Hmm,” Spike looked suspiciously at his son who regarded him with his big innocent blue eyes. “You’re not fooling me. I know your little tummy is full now. Two minutes while I get a new shirt, then we’re really going to find Daddy.”

Spike held Kelan, still feeding, in one arm as he walked around the suite to first collect the laundry hamper from the nursery dragging it along behind him and leaving it by the apartment door, then secondly the one from his and Angel’s room which he dragged over too.

Spike unlatched Kelan with only a little protest from his son and lay him on the bed whilst he pulled on another new t-shirt.

He looked at the bedside clock, ‘not bad,’ he thought sarcastically, ‘only 2 hours and 40 minutes or so from getting out of bed up until being ready to leave the room today.’

xxXxx

“Hi Spike,” Cordelia greeted him then instantly changed her voice to speak to Kelan. “Hello Kelan. Did you have a lovely sleep? Don’t you look pretty today?”

“Handsome,” Spike corrected her, then, “where’s Angel?” He asked tiredly.

“Oh did you keep your Daddy awake again?” Cordy asked the little boy.

‘One of ‘em,’ Spike thought bitterly but said nothing, ‘other one slept right through same as usual.’

“My God Spike you look about a hundred years old,” Cordy said without thinking as she turned her attention to the blonde and took in his appearance. He looked rough. He looked old, completely worn out, haggard. He looked like he needed a damn good rest.

“I’m sorry, I mean…” Cordy immediately prepared to talk her way out of her comment once her brain caught up with what she’d said, but was saved the trouble.

“Don’t worry, for someone over a hundred years, it’s a compliment really,” Spike assured her with a grin to which she just smiled with shy embarrassment. Still it wasn’t as bad as the time she’d asked Angel with regard to Kelan, “He’s so gorgeous, couldn’t you just eat him up?”

“So um yeah, Daddy’s gone out with Uncle Wes, yes he has,” Cordelia answered Spike’s previous question through Kelan as she played with his hands, “and Uncle Gunn has gone to see one of his friends.

“I was just going to go in the garden to drink my coffee. Do you fancy a nice long walk around the garden huh Kelly?” Cordelia looked to Spike for permission. She’d come to realise that Spike wouldn’t ask for help with Kelan and so she always made a point of offering without making it look obvious, like now when she could clearly see that he could do with a break.

Spike had Kelan with him almost solidly 24 hours a day, was his only source of food and main means of entertainment. Cordelia figured correctly that so much responsibility was bound to wear on him.

“What d’ya say Piglet? Wanna go outside with Auntie Cordy?” Spike asked his son as he passed him over the counter to Cordelia, a brief flicker of relief and gratitude gracing his face. “You’d love to, wouldn’t you?”

“Oh I almost forgot, this came for you,” Cordelia handed a small parcel over to Spike.

“It’s my book,” Spike stated happily, more to himself than Cordelia, “I ordered it before I had Kelan.”

“And it’s taken the shop that long to track it down?” Cordelia asked disbelievingly.

“That long? It’s faster than I expected. Actually I’m surprised they found it at all,” Spike turned the packet over and over in his hands, obviously looking forward to opening it and reading it.

“Say bye bye Daddy,” Cordelia waved Kelan’s hand at his father and headed off towards the garden area, to which his Dad waved back.

Spike listened to Cordelia chatting away to Kelan telling him that they were going to look at the birdies and the flowers as he went back upstairs, planning to make use of his unexpected free time by catching up on the washing instead of resting or reading his new book as he’d like to have done. Doing what needed to be done rather than what he wanted to be doing.

xxXxx

Spike could still hear Cordelia chatting away to his son when he came back down the stairs, laundry baskets in tow, as he made his way down to the main kitchen.

Spike knelt down in front of the industrial sized washing machine and let out a world weary sigh as he separated the clothes and sheets into colour groups on the floor. How did things end up like this? He wondered. Here he was former Slayer of Slayers, the Big Bad and what was he doing? That’s right, sorting laundry, changing diapers and trying to play happy families with Angel.

He loaded the machine with the coloured washing first, stood up to add the detergent and softener then flipped the on switch. He thought about carrying up the baskets of fresh laundry that he’d left on top of the dryer yesterday but decided it could wait for a minute and instead allowed himself to collapse back against the wall with yet another heavy sigh. He was exhausted and it was only, looking up at the clock before closing his eyes, just gone quarter past ten.

Spike hadn’t realised just how much hard work and effort caring for a baby would be. He couldn’t believe how the arrival of one tiny being could turn his world upside down and change his life so completely. It never looked that complicated on TV, where babies seemed to conveniently disappear if their presence would interfere with or complicate whatever scene was being acted out, and yet living it was something else!

He’d been given the gift of a perfect, beautiful and healthy son, plus he was living with his Sire once more. He should be happy and yet he wasn’t. Spike loved both Angel and Kelan unconditionally and wouldn’t be without either one of them, but nothing was happening the way he’d imagined.

‘I’m just tired,’ he told himself as usual, trying to rationalise, but he knew he was lying to himself. True he was exhausted, both physically and mentally, but it was more than that only he couldn’t to seem get to the root of what was really bothering him. There just seemed to be a whole jumble of problems that had become tangled and woven into a mess that he couldn’t unravel or even begin to comprehend.

At first, life with Kelan hadn’t been stressful or confusing, difficult and tiring yes, but enjoyable.

Cordy, Wes and Gunn had done as much as they could in running the business without calling on Angel too much so that he could be with alone with his family.

With his Sire by his side, helping him and supporting him, Spike was happy. All of that changed when Angel had to return to work.

As much as they’d have liked to help, the humans couldn’t carry on manning Angel Investigations indefinitely and it wasn’t as if Angel worked a ‘normal’ job that offered paternity leave, regular hours, weekends or holidays and so he wasn’t around as much as Spike would have liked.

Pretty soon everyone was back to normal, following their usual routines; everyone except for Spike that was.

He’d suddenly found himself having to learn how to cope with a baby alone and for undefined amounts of time. It was scary. It was difficult. It was a nightmare! How he’d ever thought he’d be able cope utterly alone he didn’t know. Things that he used to do before without even thinking were so much more complicated now. Everything had to revolve around Kelan. Gone was the time when Spike could just do what he wanted, when he wanted and without a thought about how it would affect himself or those around him.

Kelan was well cared for, couldn’t have been more so, but Spike had been neglecting himself on and off. Some days with all of the demands of a baby, it seemed that he barely found the time to feed himself or even get dressed. He didn’t want anyone to think that he couldn’t cope, that he was incapable of looking after a little baby and so he never asked for any help. Surely other new parents coped, right? Spike was pushing himself too hard, trying to be what he thought everyone expected him to be.

It wasn’t only dealing with a baby that had Spike so down and depressed, his relationship with Angel was damaged too, breaking apart day by day.

Now, seven weeks in, things were beginning to settle down as Spike became more comfortable, practiced and confident in his role as a father. He learnt how to deal with things better and faster, but that didn’t mean that he had any more time to himself and didn’t make him any happier, or alleviate the problems between him and Angel.

xxXxx

The sound of Kelan’s crying broke through into Spike’s thoughts. He groaned, pushed himself off of the wall and headed out into the lobby.

“Hey no crying. Look here’s Daddy now,” Cordelia turned Kelan around so that he could see Spike approaching as she stepped in from the garden area. “Sorry. I got him quiet a couple of times but now…” she shrugged.

“What you crying for Kelly?” Spike soothed him as Cordelia handed him over, and Spike smiled his thanks at her for trying and for giving him a little peace. “Did you miss me?”

Although Kelan’s crying was just that, noise without a true voice, Spike somehow instinctively knew, as all parents do, what he wanted as if he’d spoken; and matched with Kelan’s actions he could read the difference between I’m hungry, I’m bored, I’m tired, I want to be picked up, I miss you, I need changing or one of the very few things that concerned the life of a baby. Oh to have so few worries or wants.

“What did you see outside then? Did you see the birdies?” Spike asked Kelan as he left Cordelia to get on with her work, taking his son back upstairs to sort out a few things that needed doing in their suite.

xxXxx

Spike brought the baby-bouncer into the bedroom and put Kelan in it so that he had both hands free to put fresh sheets on the bed.

“Now, don’t cry alright,” Spike told him as he did up the harness, “this won’t take long.”

Spike made up his and Angel’s bed no problem, then he pulled Kelan’s cot up straight too, all the while telling Kelan what he was doing just for something to say to him.

Kelan still hadn’t started grumbling and so Spike decided to push his luck. He turned the bouncer to face towards the kitchen and set about clearing up the spilt blood on the counter. That’s when his son decided that now would be a good time to bring his milk back up all over himself and cry about it.

“Oh Kelly,” Spike sighed walking back over to take him out of the bouncer. He’d been worried that his son was ill the first time he’d sicked his milk back up, but he’d since realised that it was nothing to worry about. It was something babies just did, especially when they’d had a large feed. “Come on, don’t cry little boy. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Back in the nursery again, Kelan was ready to be changed into his third outfit of the day. Spike decided that he might as well change his nappy too while he’d got his clothes off, it was bound to be a bit wet by now. He undid the sticky tabs, opened up the diaper and waited a moment to make sure that it was safe to move it. It hadn’t been fun learning that babies, particularly boy ones, had a tendency to pee as soon as you removed their nice warm nappy and exposed them to colder air.

“There you go. All nice and clean agai….ah shit!” Spike managed successfully to tilt Kelan as he spewed again, saving his new clothes from any spillage. Unfortunately he didn’t manage to save his own and so was now due for his third t-shirt change of the day too.

xxXxx

Spike had finally managed to finish off straightening up the suite. He’d mopped up the spilt blood, done the washing up, cleaned the bouncer chair that hadn’t escaped the regurgitated milk episode unscathed, cleaned the nursery floor that had suffered the same fate, changed his son’s diaper again, emptied the diaper can, vacuumed, taken the new dirty washing downstairs, brought the empty hampers back up, set the second load of washing going and put the wet stuff in the dryer…all whilst singing to or telling stories to his son who was strapped to his front in a baby carrier because he’d screamed his lungs out every time Spike had tried to put him down.

If Spike had been inclined to do housework before, it would have taken him no time at all to do those chores, as it was it had taken him ‘forever’ to finally get finished and now he was beyond exhausted – dead on his feet, more than literally.

With everything taken care of, at least until the washing and drying were finished, Spike hoped that he’d be able to put Kelan down for a nap soon so that he could catch a few minutes of sleep himself to recharge. In the meantime though he decided to go and have a chat with Cordelia, indulge in a bit of adult company for a change and to waste some of the day away, anything to not be alone, to not be stuck with the baby, not trapped within the walls of the suite that he felt he’d been seeing far too much of.

As he walked down into the lobby he was disappointed to see Cordelia picking up her purse ready to make her way out.

“I’m just popping out to get some lunch. You don’t have to worry about the phones or anything. Gunn shouldn’t be too long now and I put the answer machine on,” she informed him, obviously having thought about him and so taken into account that he didn’t need to be given any additional responsibilities. “Do you want anything?”

Spike shook his head no.

“Alright then. I won’t be long. See you in a bit,” she promised. “Bye Kelly.”

“Looks like it’s just you and me again,” Spike told Kelan with a dejected sigh. He suddenly felt very lonely, the emptiness of the hotel overwhelming him. Then it just happened, right out of nowhere. First his lip quivered a little, then he sniffed, then his vision became water blurred and in the next moment one heavy, fat tear rolled down his cheek. “For fuck sake, what the hell is wrong with me?” He growled as he scrubbed angrily at his eyes, banishing any stray tears.

Since having Kelan, Spike’s hormones still hadn’t seemed to settle down, if anything they were worse that when he was pregnant. One minute he’d be coasting along quite nicely the next he’d be feeling wildly out of control. He continually found himself reacting over emotionally to situations, feeling overwhelmed by the strangest or simplest of things. Luckily he’d been good at hiding his outbursts from the others, staying out of the way when he felt like falling apart. He wasn’t going to trash his big bad image anymore than he had done already!

Kelan couldn’t help but pick up on his father’s emotional state which, in turn, unsettled him and set him off crying and wailing in sympathy.

“Fucking great,” Spike snapped, then forced himself to calm down. Whatever his problem was, it wasn’t Kelan’s fault. He unclipped the baby carrier and slipped it off of his son.

“Shh,” Spike hushed at Kelan holding him upright against his chest, stroking down his tiny back to calm him. Kelan snuggled his head into the crook of Spike’s neck and gradually his cries faded into the occasional snuffle and hiccup as he relaxed. Spike realised then, thankfully, that Kelan was now tired. He walked slowly back and forth across the lobby floor, the rocking motion helping to ease his son and soothe him to sleep, as he sang softly to him with his smooth voice.

“…I had a little monkey and I sent him to the country and I fed him on gingerbread, along came a choo-choo and knocked my monkey coo-coo and now my monkey’s dead. At least he looks that way…” Ok so it wasn’t really an appropriate for a baby but Kelan never seemed to mind Spike’s choice in songs, it was the tone that he sang them I that mattered.

Spike sighed in relief when Kelan finally dozed off. He made to sit down behind the counter with his son’s head still tucked into his neck but the instant he stopped moving Kelan stirred and started crying again.

“Alright, alright, I won’t sit down,” Spike grumbled standing up and beginning to pace once more, starting over with his sending his son to sleep ritual. Only this time it didn’t work.

Tired and frustrated Kelan began to wail harder.

“Well why don’t you just go to bloody sleep then?” Spike reasoned pointlessly, desperately when 10 minutes or so later Kelan was still crying. Spike’s soft singing had rapidly turned into a repetitive chant of “go to sleep, go to sleep,” as the crying started to really get to him, grating on his nerves and flaring up his already pounding tension headache.

Tired, irritated, fed up and getting more and more stressed, Spike felt tears of hopelessness and frustration prick at his eyes. Sod it. He wasn’t going to stand in the lobby and cry and so headed off up the stairs and made his way through into the nursery.

He sat down in the rocking chair and used his foot to keep it in motion. Safe from prying eyes in the apartment, tears rolled freely down his face and this time he didn’t try to stop them as he positioned Kelan to feed him. Maybe that would calm him down and he’d drink himself to sleep.

Sure enough Kelan readily latched on and after a few minutes of snuffling and hiccupping sobs, he drifted off to sleep.

Spike slumped back in the chair. He clamped his mouth shut, trapping the hysterical cry of undisguised relief that had almost threatened to escape his lips because Kelan was finally silent and sleeping.

Spike let the relief flood over him for all of a second before guilt chased it away as he looked down at the angelic peaceful face of his sleeping son. Christ he was such a bad Father. Kelan had only been crying, was that such a crime? Did it really warrant Spike losing it and wishing for him to just shut up and go to sleep? Did he even deserve to have a baby? He thought about earlier on when Cordelia had taken Kelan out to the garden, he’d been relieved then too, just to not have to hold, deal with or talk to his son for a while. He loved Kelan dearly, but sometimes, just for a minute even, he’d like to be able to do something just for himself. That was reasonable wasn’t it, to want a little break now and again? Was he really a bad Father? How should a dad feel? What was the right way for a dad to feel, to behave? Shouldn’t he want to be with Kelan all the time? Be thrilled with every single thing that he did; every moment of every day? Is that what a dad should be like? He didn’t know. It was all so confusing and thinking about it was too taxing right now.

Spike slowly, carefully stood up so as not to disturb Kelan and made his way over to the bed. He was just about to lay the pair of them down when he thought about getting a towel to lay on the bed in case he leaked milk over it. He didn’t want to have to change the sheets again today.

He went into the bathroom, opened the cupboard and then realised that he actually couldn’t reach the towel shelf whilst holding his son. Damn! He made his way back into the bedroom and ever so gently laid Kelan on the bed. As he went back into the bathroom, his ears picked up on a tiny ‘snick’ sound that had him rushing, lightening speed, back into the suite. He was just in time to clamp his hand firmly over a surprised Angel’s mouth before he could speak. Angel looked wide eyed at his Childe then followed his head tilt to look at the sleeping baby on the bed.

Angel nodded that he understood and Spike removed his hand. Kelan wouldn’t wake up if he heard their voices, both familiar that his sleeping mind ignored them. He would however wake up if he heard other voices, unusual noises or if he’d heard the shouted “Will?” that Spike had assumed Angel would call, looking for him.

“Oh, I was hoping he’d be awake,” Angel told Spike disappointedly, then walked over to look at the sleeping infant properly. Spike understood of course that Angel wanted to see his son, but was a bit put out all the same. He felt as if he hardly ever got to see Angel anymore, and when he did Kelan was always there playing gooseberry. Now would be the perfect chance for some ‘Spike and Angel’ time, but Angel would obviously prefer to wake the baby instead.

Spike could feel his irritation (…and was that a hint of jealousy?) building already, but then he was stopped, genuinely happy with Angel’s next words, “thought I might come home for lunch.” Yes!!! Angel had come home for lunch, come home to see his Childe. No matter how tired he was, sleeping could wait if it meant Angel was going to spend some time with him.

As Angel went into the kitchen to make lunch, Spike made sure that Kelan was safe by arranging the pillows around him so that he couldn’t roll off the bed. It wasn’t ideal to leave him lying on the bed, but there’d be no doubt that he’d wake up if he was moved to his crib.

Finished, Spike went happily into the kitchen to join Angel. His smile fell as he took in the sight before him, Angel at the table with a mug of blood. Spike’s good mood vanished instantly. Where was his blood?

“I thought you came home to have lunch with me,” Spike stated pointedly. Angel looked at him blankly for a moment, then realised what Spike was on about.

“I didn’t mean….I mean, sorry, I didn’t know you hadn’t eaten. Here have mine, I’ll make some more,” Angel offered beginning to rise to his feet.

“No, it’s fine. I am capable of making my own lunch,” Spike snapped as he stomped past him and helped himself to some lunch. If Kelan hadn’t been asleep he’d have made sure to slam the fridge door, then the microwave…as it was he had to make do with a lot of huffing, put out noises. Ok so Angel didn’t know he hadn’t eaten, but that wasn’t the point. He hadn’t even asked and obviously hadn’t intended to join his Childe for lunch as Spike had hoped.

“Will, I’m sorry. I didn’t think…” Angel began to apologise.

“No you never do, do you?” Spike sneered. However, in his mind, he wasn’t only referring to this latest mistake of Angel’s.

“I just thought…” Angel tried to pacify him. “Its way past lunch and I thought that being up here all day with nothing to do…..”

“Nothing to do?” Spike cut in incredulously. The microwave beeped and Spike stabbed angrily at the stop button. “Nothing to do?” he repeated again. “I haven’t fucking stopped all day! I don’t get any time to myself.”

“What? All you have to do is watch Kelan, that’s hardly difficult is it?” Angel began to snipe now.

“*All* I have to do is watch Kelly?” Spike sardonically stressed the word.

“You were asleep when I left and I bet if I hadn’t come home now you’d be having another lie down,” Angel snapped, cutting Spike off. “Do you know the office was empty when I came in? There are 8 messages on the answer phone. Wes is going through them now…and he shouldn’t have too. He’s been working since 9.00 this morning and he still hasn’t had a break yet. Did you even think of offering to take over from Cordy when she went to lunch instead of lazing around up here? It wouldn’t have hurt you to sit down there for a while would it?” Angel snarled.

Spike was stunned into silence for a moment. He didn’t know what to tackle first, the fact that he *didn’t* do anything, the fact that *poor* Wes hadn’t had a break or that Cordelia needed help. He needed help too. He needed a break. Wasn’t he important? Spike covered it all with, “You fucking bastard. How dare you….”

“Oh I’m so glad I came home to listen to you bitch at me,” Angel growled, getting up from the table and stomping his way towards the door. He wasn’t hanging around for yet another ‘becoming all too common’ argument.

“That’s right don’t bother to listen to me AGAIN!!! Fine, fuck off then, just fuck off, see if I care,” Spike shouted after him.

Angel didn’t bother to look back as he left the suite, slamming the door behind him.

Kelan twitched violently in his sleep, startled by the loud noise, but thankfully he didn’t wake up.

The moment Angel left, Spike crumbled. Anger bled into despair and Spike cried; silent tears streaming down his face as he simply stood there unmoving, other than twiddling with the ring Angel had given him, for a moment before letting his arms fall limp and useless at his sides; a broken man. Spike cried about everything and nothing all at once, not entirely sure where the tears were coming from, but just knowing that he had no control over them or the empty, desolate feeling inside.

xxXxx

Luckily Wes had already taken himself off to lunch saving himself the sight of Angel, face like thunder, stomping his way down the stairs looking ready to destroy anything that stepped in his path.

Angel hated leaving without resolving issues and knew that Spike felt the same way. Since he’d been back from hell they’d never parted on angry terms, never gone to bed with an argument unsettled because if something ever happened to either of them, they didn’t want their last memories to have been filled with anger, regret. That all changed after Kelan’s birth. Arguments went unresolved and spilled over into the next day, in fact Angel wasn’t sure if they had a new argument every day or if the same one had just been dragging on for the past few weeks.

Angel should go back, should say sorry for….for what? He didn’t know and that’s why he wasn’t going to go back. Snatching up the notes that Wes had jotted down from the answer phone messages, Angel set off towards the sewer access, just wanting to get out of the hotel and vent his anger on some unsuspecting evil.

xxXxx

At some point, without even realising, Spike had stopped crying and had slipped into a trance like state, his mind drifting silently, almost unconsciously in another place; all cried out and numb to any thoughts or feelings. He no longer had the energy.

Kelan’s little whimper as he woke, finding himself alone, drew Spike back to the present. He felt a little confused and unsteady. What had he been doing? He blinked slowly a couple of times as if to clear the fogginess and force his mind back to the here and now.

“It’s alright Kelly, Daddy’s here,” Spike soothed him lying down beside him. Kelan decided not to cry and instead starred intently at his father for a few moments before turning his head to one side, mouth open, in the classic ‘I’m looking for food’ pose.

Spike’s little tripping out session hadn’t made him any less tired, but he certainly felt calmer now. He laughed softly at his son as Kelan got more animated in his quest for milk. “Hang on Piglet,” Spike told him as he sat up to take off his T-shirt before lying back down. He scrunched his shirt up and wedged it under himself in a way that would soak up any spilt milk; he’d rather wash another shirt than have to change the bed again. Spike rolled his son on to his side, pulling him close and positioned him to feed.

Kelan latched on readily enough and was content to feed and have his back stroked softly as Spike finally took the opportunity to relax, and closed his eyes in a semi-doze.

Spike finally opened his eyes and moved his son a little higher up the bed when Kelan unlatched himself having fed enough.

Kelan didn’t fuss and was happy just to lay in silence for a while, watching Spike quietly watch him whilst playing with his tiny hands. Reflexively Kelan grasped one of Spike’s fingers and hung on tight, his miniature chubby fingers wrapped around his father’s longer, slender ones. Christ how Spike loved it when his son did that. He found himself awed by his baby boy once more, just studying how perfect and fascinating he was. Then he felt guilty again; guilty that he’d wanted him so badly to fall asleep before. How could he have ever thought such a thing? Kelan screwed his face up and looked as if he were about to cry in response to Spike’s altered mood, but turned his face back to calm innocence once a squelchy noise emanated from his diaper, signalling that he need changing again.

xxXxx

Spike changed Kelan and took him downstairs. Both Gunn and Cordelia were back and Spike was able to leave Kelan with them for a while as he folded up the now dried washing, put the last wet load into the dryer and took all of the clean clothes and sheets upstairs.

Kelan had begun to get grumpy after a while but stopped when he was once again strapped to his father’s chest in the baby carrier, being talked and sung to as Spike put all of the clean washing away. He couldn’t wait until Kelan was old enough to be able to play with toys and amuse himself for a while. By the time he’d finished that, the final load was ready to come out of the dryer and be folded.

xxXxx

Creature of the night and all, Spike’s senses alerted him to the fact that it was dark outside now. He didn’t know where the time had gone. Spike had often played with the idea that time moved differently, strangely, inside the hotel. Seconds could turn into hours or alternatively hours into seconds, and of course it was always the opposite of what he actually wished; for example flying by at warp speed when he slept and yet dragging on and on if he was waiting for Kelan to rest.

The night called to him, same as it always had and Spike found himself draw up to the roof.

He opened the door and battled with himself for a moment as tried to force his feet to take that first step out. It wasn’t happening. He tried to force down the disgust he felt towards himself and instead looked out across the city from the safety of the doorway.

Spike ignored the views immediately before him and gazed off into the distance. It was beautiful out there, from this height everything was sparkling, quiet, calm.

Over the years Spike had greeted the night to numerous views all over the world, seascapes, city skylines, fields, forests, mountains yet no matter where he was he always experienced the same sense of peace encompassing him as he’d looked beyond what was there before him and instead off into the horizon.

He watched now as airplanes, lights blinking lazily, carried their passengers off into those unreachable blissful places, taking them to freedom, to escape.

He knew the places he could see didn’t really exist, not as he viewed them from afar anyway. He’d tried to get to them before. Heading off to where he knew those places should be only to find that when he got there it had all been an illusion. Up close and personal those seemingly perfect destinations were anything but, and turning back he could always see that the places he’d come from were now in the distance and it was they that now held the magic.

“Jesus fucking Christ Gunn,” Spike cursed and hugged Kelan to his chest. Lost in memories he hadn’t heard the other man approach him. The hand on his shoulder startled him, “You trying to give me a bloody heart attack?”

Gunn just raised a quizzical eyebrow at him.

“You know what I mean,” Spike said dismissively as he passed his baby over into Uncle Gunn’s waiting hands.

“Sorry,” Gunn apologised to Spike then turned his attention to the tiny being in his arms, “I sacred your Daddy,” he sing songed as he took Kelan out on to the roof.

“Fuck off,” Spike murmured light heartedly following his friend out; only in truth he found no humour in the situation. Gunn just grinned at him.

“Found some Grocal demons today,” Gunn fell into his usual ‘shop talk’ with Spike.

“Nasty business Grocals,” Spike confirmed, sucking his teeth with a hiss.

“You’re telling me,” Gunn began.

Spike knew that Gunn had said more after that sentence, knew that he was answering and keeping up his side of the conversation too but it was as if he was on automatic, the thoughts rampaging through his brain were taking precedence.

He couldn’t shake the feeling of disgust that he had for himself. He, a master vampire and an Aurelian one at that, had just handed his baby over to a *human* for protection…protection that he couldn’t give; too scared to handle the job himself.

Although Spike felt like a prisoner in the hotel, felt trapped and wanted to go out, he had to admit to himself, although certainly not to anyone else, that the thought of leaving the hotel alone with Kelan terrified him; even within the hotel’s boundaries.

He doubted his abilities, now with good reason and had got it into his head that he was sure to be targeted. Then again with his track record for finding trouble who knew?

Kelan hadn’t really been anywhere off of the hotel grounds, other than to travel in the team’s cars or trucks.

During the day the humans were happy to take him out in the garden and at night Spike felt safe taking him out there too, or on the roof like now, providing that Angel or one of the humans was close by…and preferably holding his son. He felt like a coward. Sacred to go out in his own garden or on the roof without back-up hah! Afraid even to walk or drive the streets! He was a demon, a vampire for fuck sake. He should be feared, not fearful. Pathetic!

Wherever Spike had gone before he was pregnant, day or night, he’d only had to think about himself. If he took Kelan out he’d have to protect him too and as much as he hated to admit it, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to do it and didn’t want to take the risk of finding out. Yes he could fight, yes he could maim and kill (and fuck how he itched, craved to be able to do that again after such a long abstinence) but could he do it whilst in charge a baby and more to the point did he want to?

Spike was well aware that he didn’t only have to worry about other demons, but humans too and as such knew that he would be useless to defend himself, let alone protect his son; although he knew if it ever came down to it he’d die trying.

The alarm on Gunn’s watch beeped bringing Spike back to the present.

“Time to take Cordelia home,” Gunn told Spike what he already knew. “Wanna come for a ride?” He offered as usual.

“Yeah alright,” Spike said casually as if it was no big deal, although truthfully it was. It meant that he wouldn’t be left here alone and feeling vulnerable and also that he could escape the oppressing confines of the hotel if only for a short while.

They headed back inside, briefly stopping by Spike and Angel’s suite so that the blonde could put his boots on and get a cardigan for Kelan.

“Ready?” Gunn asked Cordelia as he and Spike entered the lobby.

“Yep,” she answered popping the P as she picked up her purse. “Oh and Angel left a note asking if we can collect his dry cleaning on the way home,” she informed Gunn.

The three friends squeezed into Gunn’s truck. It was a bit cramped, especially with Kelan’s car seat wedged in between them, but no one complained.

Spike liked being taken out for a drive. It gave him a sense of freedom that he seemed to have been lacking recently. He wasn’t left to stare at the same boring walls and didn’t have to do anything. He could share in adult talk if he wanted instead of having one sided conversations with a baby, or he could just relax in a comfortable silence. Nothing was expected of him. He didn’t have to think about anything. He didn’t have to worry about entertaining Kelan as Cordelia would play with him, or he’d be content just to stare at Gunn as if monitoring his driving. Kelan didn’t cry either, so he didn’t have to listen to that and best of all, he could even close his eyes and doze for a while knowing that his son was in safe hands.

Who would have thought something as trivial as a car journey could bring so much peace and calm to the frustrated vampire. It seemed that these were the only times now that Spike felt as if he was really having a proper break, didn’t feel as if his responsibilities weighed so heavily.

xxXxx

The sound of the engine being cut off roused Spike from his sleep and he instantly and reactively put a hand on Kelan to check that he was alright. He yawned and stretched a bit then looked around confused as to where Cordelia has gone.

“We already dropped her off,” Gunn told him, guessing what was going through his mind. “Yes, Daddy was out for the count wasn’t he,” Gunn spoke to Kelan as he unclipped his seatbelt and lifted him out of the truck.

“It’s late,” Spike noted, looking at the clock on the dash board as he got out of the truck.

“Yeah, we drove around for a while didn’t we?” Gunn answered through Kelan, playing with his hands and bobbing him about as he spoke. “Looked like Daddy could do with the rest didn’t it?”

“Thanks,” Spike said genuinely, touched that Gunn had taken notice of his state and thought about helping him. He could only wish that Angel would be so attentive too and take his needs and desires into account for once.

“Did Kelly sleep?” Spike asked as he held the hotel door open for Gunn then followed him into the lobby.

“Nope,” Gunn answered, then added with a laugh “he kept a check on my driving as usual. Hey look, messages,” Gunn told Kelan noticing the red light blinking frantically at him. “Shall we see who it is?” he asked, pressing play and leaving the machine on loudspeaker so that when the first message played Angel’s voice filled the lobby.

“Anyone there? Can you hear me? Pick up if you’re there? Ok guess you’re not then…oh, I hate speaking to this thing. Right. Will it’s me. Oh if this isn’t you…I mean if this isn’t Spike, can you tell him that I shouldn’t be too late home. I’m just finishing up here then I’m meeting Wes at his to look at some texts that should wrap this case up.

“Wes is gonna pick something up from the office on his way home…so Wes if this is you listening to this then don’t delete it. Gunn if this is you, don’t worry about waiting for me, I’ll catch up with you tomorrow or call if I need you. Um, yeah that’s it, bye. Oh and the time is….um, I dunno I can’t see a clock. Oh wait, there’s one on this cell if I press….” Then all there was were beeping sounds as Angel obviously pressed the buttons on his cell phone; then nothing.

The answer phone automatically played the next message.

“It’s me again. Just to say I’m not dead or anything. Well, um, you know what I mean…never mind. I mean nothing happened to me, you know sudden silence on the phone and so on, so don’t come looking for me like last time…if you were going to that is. Oh shit maybe you’re looking for me already? Anyway if you’re not out, which I know you are now, but if you’re not when you hear this message….um that wasn’t right was it? I just pressed the wrong button. I thought I had to press menu 3, 2 but when I pressed menu 3 it went on to ring tones and…*beep*”, the answer phone cut out with the length of the message.

Gunn just looked at Spike in an incredulous ‘and this is our champion? “hat is he on?’ kinda way.

Spike’s answer came in the form of a raised eyebrow intoning, ‘beats me.’

“So do you want to hang out some ‘till Angel gets back?” Gunn offered Spike.

“Nah, go on home. Me and Kelly are gonna have a bath and go to bed anyway.” Spike really didn’t think it was fair to ask Gunn to stay. “It’s been a long day, right Piglet?” Spike switched his attention from Gunn to Kelan as his son was handed back to him.

“Sure?” Gunn checked

“Yeah. Say bye, bye Uncle Gunn,” Spike waved Kelan’s hand to which Gunn automatically waved back without thinking.

“Bye Kelly. Night Spike,” Gunn made his farewells and left.

Spike locked up after him with a “See ya tomorrow,” then went upstairs.

Kelan seemed tired enough after his car ride now that a bath should finish him off. Spike had been waiting all day to have a look at his new book and planned to do it once his son was asleep, but after sharing a bath with him was too tired to even think about unwrapping the parcel let alone begin reading the treasure inside.

Spike slipped some shorts on himself, dressed his son in his sleep suit and then took him to bed. Turning off the lights he snuggled down beside his sleepy boy and soon both drifted off to sleep.

xxXxx

As always, Spike didn’t wake up of his own accord, but instead because Kelan was wriggling about and looking for food.

Spike positioned him to feed, then closed his eyes again and left his son to it. Kelan had woken his father countless times in the night as usual, either looking to suckle for comfort or just moving about in his sleep.

Spike’s morning consisted of the same things as usual, the same boring routines, trying to get Kelan to sleep for a little longer…and failing. Dressing his son, getting washed and dressed himself, feeding his son, putting on the washing that seemed to have bred and multiplied during the night, straightening up the suite a little with Kelan strapped to his chest in the carrier because he cried whenever he was put down, changing Kelan’s diaper and giving him a quick bath in the sink because of the mess he’d managed to get himself into, feeding him again, cleaning and re-dressing him when he brought his milk back up; then again when he did the same thing two minutes later, splashing both of them this time.

Spike put Kelan, all fresh and clean, in his baby bouncer then stripped off his own soiled clothes and took them into the bathroom to put them in the hamper. He heard the suite door unlock followed by Angel’s voice.

“Oh you’re awake!” He told his son happily. “Come and say hello to Daddy Kelly,” Angel greeted him, undoing the restraints on the bouncer and lifting his son out as Spike re-entered the room, a towel wrapped around his torso. Angel carried on cooing to his son, cuddling him, completely oblivious to Spike as he rummaged through the cupboard choosing some fresh clothes and slipping them on.

Spike wanted to throw a sarcastic “Hello William,” at Angel to show that he was hurt by being ignored, but forced the urge back down. He didn’t want to fight again and tried to reason that he could have just as easily said hi to Angel, although he somehow still ended up feeling as if he’d been the wronged one.

“Have you been a lazy bones? Have you only just got up?” Angel asked Kelan, although obviously his words were directed at Spike who looked as if he’d done just that. “Auntie Cordy and Uncle Wes could have done with your help downstairs today, they’re very busy, yes they are.”

Spike clenched his teeth, tightened his fists…then forced himself to relax, deciding again to hold his tongue.

Feeling that he’d made his point, Angel went back to chatting solely to Kelan, “Did you miss me? I missed you. You’re always asleep, yes you are. I saw you sleeping last night, yes I did.”

“So you came home then?” Spike snarked, his mouth obviously not having received the memo from his brain about not starting an argument.

Although Spike had been awake on and off loads of times in the night, it was the kind of wakefulness that disturbs you enough to know you’ve been woken, but not enough to really make you aware of what you’re doing or your surroundings; the awake but on autopilot routine. He didn’t know if Angel had come home or not, couldn’t remember if he’d seen or felt him the bed, but he knew that he’d gone to bed alone and woken up alone. He wasn’t quite sure what had happened in between and his vampire senses wouldn’t have perceived Angel as a threat and so he could have easily ignored his presence in his exhausted state.

“Of course I did,” Angel snapped a little at Spike. “Where else would I go?”

Spike just raised his eyebrow at Angel. That little, fraction of an inch flicker was supposed to intone that perhaps Angel was with Wesley again, working instead of coming home to be with his family. Angel read it entirely differently.

“Well, I suppose it’s not like I’m getting *any* here is it?” He said nastily, full of venom, intending to hurt Spike for seemingly accusing him of cheating.

Stunned, Spike’s jaw hung open for a spilt second before he snapped it closed. He didn’t even know how that remark made him feel. With nothing to say he turned his back on his Sire as he tried to get a handle on the situation. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of reacting to such a throw away comment.

Angel instantly regretted his words, “Will. Will, I’m sorry…you know I’m not…I don’t mind that were not ….I didn’t mean it,” he settled with.

Spike wasn’t going to let him off that easily, spinning back to face him. “Well excuse me for not being in the mood to fuck,” he spat out the last word, making it sound dirty, obscene.

“When was the last time you kissed me huh? When was the last time you cuddled me, do you know? When was the last time you touched me or even noticed me? When did you last tell me that you loved…..” Spike shook his head unwilling to finish that question. He could feel despair trying to break through his hastily constructed facade and focused on his anger instead.

“You’re hardly ever here and when you are you don’t bother with me! When was the last time that you talked to me, spoke to me without anger, or made me feel as if I even mattered?” Spike finished accusingly, bitterly. He’d been holding onto those hurts for a while and hadn’t been able to stop them all spilling out once he’d opened his mouth.

Picking up on Spike’s emotions Kelan began to get unsettled and whimper. Spike had managed to keep himself in check until now, letting only anger to the fore. That was until he felt his tiny breasts lactate in response to his son’s cry; felt a small amount of milk soaking through his shirt. He crossed his arms over his chest in embarrassment and fled to the bathroom before his composure could crumble further, locking the door behind him and leaving a stunned Angel holding the baby.

Spike had begun to feel self-conscious about his body, particularly his man-breasts quite a while back, always covering himself up when Angel was around and not openly feeding Kelan anymore. Sadly, with the way things had been going between them, the blonde hadn’t needed to worry about ‘hiding’ himself at bedtime as Angel was hardly ever there when he got in.

Spike hadn’t lied or over exaggerated a moment ago, Angel really hadn’t kissed or held him in ages. He was sure that his Sire didn’t find him attractive anymore and it knocked his confidence badly. Angel’s actions had been telling him that he wasn’t wanted and that gave Spike one more thing to worry about and cope with on top of everything else.

Seeing his blonde father go, Kelan’s whimper turned into a cry which got progressively louder when Spike didn’t instantly return to him. Angel jiggled him about a bit and told him to be quiet as he tried, awkwardly, to calm him, but to no avail.

“Will, Kelly’s crying,” Angel said through the door, as if Spike didn’t already know.

No answer.

Angel bounced Kelan up and down a bit, but that just made him cry harder.

“Will, he won’t stop,” Angel spoke again through the door, getting agitated now.

“What? I don’t know what you want,” he addressed his son again. “Ok Kelly, stop crying for Daddy,” Angel tried, hopelessness creeping into his voice now, “please?”

Angel tried to cuddle his son to his chest and Kelan began head butting him and mouthing at his shirt.

“What are you doing? What do you want?” Angel asked desperately, holding his son up and away from him, meeting him face to face. “I don’t know what you want. Come on, stop crying now.

“I know, I know, you want the face huh?” Angel vamped for him, but it only silenced the baby for a spilt second before he started up again. Angel shook off his game face.

He was rapidly getting frustrated and feeling more hopeless by the second. Fuck, he was getting a headache now too. “Spike! Open the door,” Angel shouted. “I don’t know what to do with him,” his voice fell into that of despair.

It was tearing Spike apart hearing his son crying for him, wanting him, but he couldn’t open the door and face Angel, not right now.

Angel jumped and spun around quickly when he felt someone touch his shoulder. It was Gunn. “I said we need to go,” Gunn stated, obviously having called Angel before even though his sensitive ears hadn’t picked up on it over Kelan’s crying.

Noticing, or rather not being able not to miss, the strain on Angel’s face, Gunn held his hands out to take the baby and Angel gladly handed him over. Gunn cuddled Kelan up to his chest, instantly receiving the head butt treatment, to which he slipped a finger into Kelan’s mouth, taking his cries down a few notches instantly.

“Hey Kelly, what’s taking your Daddy so long?” Gunn asked the baby softly.

“He’s, um, he’s in the shower I think,” Angel said robot like, amazed at Gunn’s easy actions with *his* baby.

“Is he now,” Gunn cooed at Kelan before talking through the door loudly enough to be heard over the crying, “You nearly done Blondie? Kelly here wants his dinner and I don’t think I’m gonna be tolerated as a substitute much longer. Sorry but I gotta to steal Angel away. Melesh demons,” he elaborated.

“Just coming,” Spike called as he opened the door wrapped in a towel even though he still had his jeans on, no sign of emotional torment evident on his face or in his voice. Gunn handed the baby over and he fell silent instantly. “Come on then Piglet,” Spike soothed him. “Let’s see what I’ve got for you shall we?” Spike hushed, walking over towards the lounge.

“Later Spike,” Gunn called, already making his way out of the suite.

“Kill one for me will you,” Spike said cheerily to Gunn.

“Will do,” Gunn promised.

Angel stood frozen to the spot for a moment, feeling off balance, lost. Stunned by what he’d just witnessed. He knew that Spike was hurt, regardless of the ‘happy armour’ he was now wearing for Gunn’s sake. He wondered how much of it was for his benefit too. Something struck Angel then. He was losing his Childe. If Spike felt the need to shut himself off and hide his feelings, that was a sure sign that he was slipping away.

“Angel you coming?” Gunn called.

Angel nodded, then turned back to look at Spike, curled up on the couch and discretely feeding his son, obviously uncomfortable with the scrutiny. Angel felt a lump rise in his throat from the beauty, yet strange sense of sadness that arose witnessing the scene before him, *his* Childe and *his* son.

“William, we’ll talk later ok?” Angel said softly, voice full of promise yet tainted with sorrow. Spike didn’t make to look up at him or even acknowledge him.

Angel stood for a moment longer, just watching. He wanted to add ‘I love you’, but it would sound fake even to his own ears, not that he didn’t, but it was as if he’d only be saying it because he’d been called on it; empty, hollow.

Silently Angel left the suite, gently closing the door with a soft ‘click’.

When Angel left, Spike sat and thought about what he’d just done. He’d been keeping those feelings locked up inside for a while now and hadn’t actually intended to give them voice. He should have felt better that everything was out in the open now, but he didn’t. In fact they weighed even heavier than before. Now Angel wanted to talk about it and Spike was sure he knew what his Sire would say. It was one thing to feel unwanted…another to be told so.

Spike decided that he had to get out of the suite for a while, escape, before he went crazy worrying about things beyond his control. But where could he go? Leaving the building was out of the question in his mind. He could go downstairs for a bit of company, a bit of distraction, but knew that he didn’t have the energy or inclination to wear his ‘brave’ face right now. It would have to be a wander round the hotel he conceded. It wasn’t all that interesting, he’d explored all of the rooms and floors countless times before, but at least it would be something to while away a few hours.

xxXxx

Thinking to clear his mind for a while, Spike’s walk had been a huge disappointment. As he’d wandered, so too had his thoughts…wildly!

He started off by wondering what Angel would say to him and how he’d break the news that he no longer loved his Childe. Things went downhill, out of control and beyond rational thought from that point on; paranoia and confusion warring with sanity.

Angel wouldn’t kick him out would he? But what if he did? What if Angel told him to leave, where would he and Kelan go? His old crypt was no place for a baby, hell Sunnydale was no place for a baby, and what would they do for money? He couldn’t very well acquire money the way he used to. Spike could manage without much but his son would need things. Would Angel see to it that the baby was taken care of? Oh fucking hell, what if Angel wanted to keep Kelan? What if he knew that Spike was incapable of looking after him and finally realised that he couldn’t offer him protection in his neutered state?

Spike decided that if Angel wanted Kelan he’d have to take him over his own dead dust. No, Angel wouldn’t take his life, even if he didn’t want him anymore, even if as his creator he had the right to do so…but he could order the humans to take Kelan. They were Angel’s humans after all, but then again they were Spike’s friends too. He knew they wouldn’t do that to him. Would they?

He could take Kelan and run away with him before Angel had the chance to take him away…but no, he still loved his Sire and even if those feeling weren’t returned he couldn’t put Angel through that pain, wouldn’t steal his son. On the other hand, if he didn’t run then he’d lose his baby and….

“Fuck!” Spike cursed. Angel was turning him as crazy as he’d turned Dru and without even half as much effort. Spike felt as if after a gradual build up that he’d finally lost the plot. Everything was jumbled in his head. He didn’t know what to do, what to think.

He couldn’t think here. He had to get out, get away from everything so that he could think straight. But again, where could he go? Then it came to him; Joyce! Joyce would let him stay for a couple of days, just to get himself sorted. She’d understand how he was feeling, having raised children herself and breaking up with her partner. She’d be able to tell him what to do, listen to him and help him figure things out and get back on track.

It made sense to him, the first thing that had done so in a long while and so he clutched at that feeling of hope like a lifeline. He’d have to go now, before Angel got back or he’d never escape.

xxXxx

“I’m sorry, I gotta put you in here for a minute,” Spike told his distressed son, alert to his father’s strange state, as he put him in his crib.

Spike rushed around the apartment stuffing enough clothes for a couple of days for both himself and Kelan into a bag, well aware that his son was now screaming his lungs out in his cot, wanting to be picked up, wanting to be comforted.

“Spike, are you alright in there?” Cordelia’s concerned voice called through the door, obviously wondering why the hell Kelan was causing such a racket seeing as Spike never left him to get that worked up.

SHIT!!! HURRY!!! If they got to him they’d stop him from going or call Angel. As much as they loved him they couldn’t help with his problem, wouldn’t understand. He needed to get to Joyce. Spike grabbed some diapers and shoved them into the bag too.

“Spike?” Cordelia sounded panicked now, rattling the door handle as she tried to get into the suite.

“Wes,” she screamed down into the lobby whilst pounding on the suite door. “Spike, Spike can you hear me? Don’t worry we’re coming. Wes get up here now! It’s ok Kelly we’re coming,” Cordelia’s voice kept changing from frantic to forced calm as she worried about what was going on behind the closed door.

Spike grabbed a handful of baby cleaning products from around the nursery sink. In his haste, the ring that Angel had given him snagged on the top of the shampoo bottle and was torn from his finger where it spiralled out of sight down the plug hole. That little incident froze Spike in his tracks. Please no, he couldn’t lose that ring. It was all that he had left to show that his Sire had loved him once.

Spike dropped the baby products on the floor and tried desperately to fit his fingers down inside the drainage hole, through the metal grating to retrieve the ring. So intent on his task he no longer registered Cordelia and Wes’s attempts to break into the suite, especially over his son’s cries.

“The fire extinguisher! Use the fire extinguisher!” Cordelia had told Wes a few seconds before the sound of something metal hitting the wooden door flooded the apartment filtered with reassuring words from Cordelia that they we’re on their way, not to worry.

Spike also missed the relieved yet distressed cries and screams of “Angel” as his Sire obviously returned home or the “Gunn, bring an axe.”

He didn’t hear the terror filled bellow of “William,” nor the splintering of wood as his Sire twisted and forced the lock.

xxXxx

Cordelia rushed to the crib and scooped Kelan up and out of it, pulling him to her chest and cradling his head as she rained kisses down on him. Relief alone from holding the tiny baby safe in her arms caused her tears to flow. “He’s alright,” she sobbed aloud for her friends’ benefits. “Shh,shh. You’re alright, you’re alright” she reassured herself as much as her nephew.

Angel barely spared a glance towards his son having known instinctively that he was alright and that Cordelia had him. He ran to where he could feel his Childe, the humans following and trying to keep up.

Angel’s sigh of “William” seemed to startle Spike as he was discovered hunched over the sink.

“Why didn’t you answer?” Angel snapped, his relief at finding his Childe mixed with the panic he’d felt, causing his tone to sound angry.

“Oh Spike,” Cordelia gushed, seeing that her friend was alright, almost simultaneously to Wes’ “What happened? Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Spike managed to force out, breathing hard, eyes wide and full of fear and confusion, looking every bit like a trapped, cornered animal.

“You don’t look alright,” Gunn commented.

“You’re fine?” Angel asked incredulously, turning away disbelievingly for a moment to try and get his sudden irrational feelings in check. He felt as if he’d died again when he thought that William was in trouble, especially when he’d caught the scent of his blood.

He hadn’t felt panic that intense for a long time and it was all for *nothing?* William had given him the equivalent of his second death for nothing?

“Give him to me,” Spike’s breathing was ragged and desperate as he spoke to Cordelia, reaching out for his son with bleeding fingers.

“You’re hurt Spike?” Gunn questioned, although it should have been a statement as he could clearly see the unhealed damage to Spike’s fingers.

“I’m fine,” Spike panted back, eyes firmly fixed on his son as Cordy made to hand him over.

“What the fucking hell is wrong with you?” Angel suddenly exploded, turning on his Childe and startling Cordelia, causing her to snatch Kelan back against her chest instinctively to protect him.

All three humans froze for an instant, shocked and stunned at Angel’s shout. Even Kelan ceased his screaming for a second.

“Hey now, just calm down,” Gunn suggested placing a hand on Angel’s arm as if it would somehow sedate him.

“Calm down?” Angel shook Gunn’s hand away. “What the fuck does he think he’s doing making me, us, worry like that and all for nothing…leaving Kelan alone and distraught?” Angel asked to no one in particular then turned his attention to Spike. “He’s a baby for fuck sake! What sort of father are you leaving him screaming like that?” He asked in disgust. “Perhaps you could have tried picking him up,” he suggested sarcastically.

“How dare you!” Wes scolded Angel, no fear as he stood up to him ready to defend Spike.

Spike suddenly became very animated, no longer standing there like a kicked and frightened puppy as he made to lunge at Angel.

“Hey!” Gunn caught him and held on. Spike let himself be restrained, not that he could do anything against this human anyway.

“It’s worse if I pick him up. He knows how I feel even if you don’t…and I’m a damn site better father than you,” Spike growled.

“Spike!” Gunn snapped at him.

“I wouldn’t have left him screaming in his fucking cot,” Angel bellowed, looming towards him menacingly as he slipped into game face. Wes grabbed hold of him, as if he actually had the strength to stop Angel if he tried anything.

“No?” Spike donned his vampiric visage too. “What would you have done Angelus? Called for me? Loaded him off on someone else? You hadn’t even had him for two minutes crying this morning before you passed him off to Gunn. Couldn’t stand it could you? Did your head in, right? I have to deal with that every. Single. Day,” Spike ground out the words separately. “I never have a moment to myself. I’m tired Angel, so fucking tired. You don’t do anything to help me, not a damn thing.”

“I changed his nappy for you earlier,” Angel threw in.

“Please don’t fight,” Cordelia begged emotionally, trying to make herself heard over the din. She stood well out of the way holding Kelan, cradling his head as if it would block the sounds of his father’s voices raised in anger at each other.

Both ignored her and carried on.

“Fucking whoop! Give the man a medal,” Spike spat sarcastically. “That was *two* days ago! Listen to yourself. Changed his nappy FOR ME? Who was it for Angelus? FOR ME, as if it’s my responsibility. It’s not FOR ME, it’s for him because he’s your son, because he’s your responsibility as much as mine…only it doesn’t work that way does it?”

Angel was lost for words for a second, then “I have to work,” he defended.

“And what do you think I do all day? I don’t fucking stop. You have no idea how much it takes out of you to look after a baby…and I used to look after Dru,” Spike added wryly as an after thought, knowing that Angel knew just how difficult and exhausting it could be to deal with his girl sometimes and here was Spike saying that a baby was harder to care for than Drusilla at her worst.

“It wears you down Angelus, it wears you down till there’s nothing left. I’ve given up everything for him, all that I am…and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but I have needs too. I don’t even know who I am anymore,” Spike physically shook himself, trying to shake off his anger. He slipped back into his human mask and fell silent, the fight going completely out of him and exhaustion winning through.

He was silent for a moment, preparing and steeling himself to finally admit his feelings as Angel too let his demon visage fade. “You want me to say it out loud? I need help alright. I can’t keep doing this alone. It’s too much,” he finished sounding small, defeated, his whole posture slumping.

“Cordelia?” Spike asked with a sigh, holding his still unhealed hands out for his son.

Kelan settled once he was safe in his father’s arms again and as he quietened, so too the tension in the room seemed to dispel. “I’m sorry Kelly, I’m so sorry,” Spike hushed to his son, cuddling him close and turning his back on his friends so that they wouldn’t see the pain and guilt in his eyes.

“You were going to leave me?” Angel asked his Childe’s tense back, finally noticing the half packed bag on the floor, unable to keep the hurt he was feeling from entering into his voice.

Spike shrugged, “No. Just wanted to get away for a couple of days ‘s all. Get my head sorted,” Spike answered sullenly without turning to face his Sire.

“You weren’t going to tell me?” Angel asked softly, sadly.

Spike wanted to ask ‘would you care?’ He wanted to say ‘I can’t tell you anything anymore.’ He settled for, “I was going to call,” then rushed on with his words before Angel had the chance to question him further, “Gunn, d’ya think you could take us out for a drive? I could do with some fresh air,” Spike asked flatly, hiding whichever emotions should really have tainted his tone. He didn’t want to have *the* conversation with Angel right now, knew he couldn’t handle it.

“Why with Gunn?” Angel questioned with no anger evident in his voice.

“Oh fucking hell, what is this?” Spike growled in angry despair turning to face Angel. “Haven’t I humiliated myself enough for you tonight? Why? Because I’m fucking terrified to go out alone that’s why. I’m scared shitless, alright? Are you finally happy now that you know how fucking useless I am? How fucking worthless?” Spike hugged Kelan for comfort, unwilling to give himself over to the tears that were more than ready to fall.

“I meant why not with me?” Angel stated sadly, causing Spike to stare up at him with wide, confused eyes.

“Spike?” Wesley finally spoke, “Your hands? What happened?”

“Nothing,” Spike sighed and shrugged.

“Doesn’t look like nothing,” Cordelia offered, “and shouldn’t they have healed by now?”

“Yeah, what were you doing?” Gunn asked.

“Just…I…my ring fell off, went down the plug hole,” Spike tried to sound as if he didn’t care but the quiver in his voice and the sorry state of his fingers told a different tale.

“I’ll get another one,” Angel tried to soothe him.

“Don’t want another one,” Spike growled, suddenly sounding angry and like a petulant child. Kelan started crying again. “I want that one! Don’t want a new one. Won’t mean anything!” Spike knew he was rambling now but couldn’t stop himself. He no longer had a handle on his tears either and they ran unchecked down his cheeks. “I want that one! How else am I supposed to remember that you used to love me?”

“What?” Angel asked stunned. “Wh…Will?” Angel called after his Childe as he fled the nursery and headed straight across the bedroom and into their bathroom, locking the door behind him, leaving Angel standing frozen to the spot starring stupidly after him.

“Angel?” Wes questioned softly, placing a gentle hand on the vampire’s arm.

“Don’t,” Angel breathed, turning away and dislodging Wes’ hand in the process. He didn’t deserve any comfort or understanding. He didn’t deserve any pity. He’d hurt William and made him think that he didn’t love him.

“Angel?” Wes again addressed the vampire stood motionless with his back towards him, shoulders hunched. Wesley resisted the urge to reach out and touch his friend and instead starred helplessly at the broad back presented to him, and as he watched those strong shoulders tremble and begin to shake he knew that Angel was crying.

“Angel,” Cordy sighed, feeling for him.

“He thinks I don’t love him,” Angel mumbled his half statement, half question.

“He didn’t mean it,” Cordelia tried to comfort Angel.

“Yes he did,” Angel sniffed, still not turning to face his friends, “but I don’t understand.”

“Has he been checked for postnatal depression?” Cordelia suddenly asked; the thought occurring to her that maybe that’s where Spike’s problem lay. She hadn’t even considered it before but now that she thought about it…hmm.

“For what?” Angel was truly clueless.

“Postnatal depression,” Wes supplied. “Among other things, one complaint is doubting your own competence. I didn’t know he felt as if he couldn’t cope until just now. He always seemed to be doing fine, tired yes but not…” Wes cut his words off realising that he wasn’t helping matters. “That’s it isn’t it? He’s suffering with depression.”

“Then why didn’t he just ask for help? He knows we’d do anything for him,” Cordelia wondered.

“Because he’s Spike,” Gunn offered knowingly, softly with a sigh.

“He did say something,” Angel’s guilt ridden voice was barely audible, “I didn’t listen.”

“What?” Wesley asked incredulously.

“Not out loud as such, he’s too proud and stubborn for that but…,” Angel mumbled, ashamed with himself.

“Angel?” Cordelia asked softly, pressing up against his back and hugging him around the waist as the vampire trembled in her arms, encouraging him to continue.

“All the arguments,” Angel managed to choke out, barely restrained tears constricting his throat.

“Arguments?” Gunn questioned, until the one just now they hadn’t been aware of any arguments.

“I should have realised. I’m such a fuck up,” Angel began to sob in earnest, uncaring that his friends were watching him. “I thought he was just having a go at me, but really he was pointing out what was wrong, telling me what he needed, crying out for help the only way he knows how and I ignored him. I failed him. I didn’t hear him, didn’t hear his words for what they were. I just went on the defensive and shouted back, made things worse. I’ve ruined everything.”

“Angel it’s not your fault,” Wes tried to comfort him.

“Well whose fault is it then?” Angel’s head shot up as he snapped angrily then instantly fell silent, letting his head hang in shame once more.

“You haven’t ruined everything,” Cordelia tried this time, she raised her voice to cover Angel’s when he went to protest, “it’s all just got a bit confused. We’ll all have a sit down and talk everything through. It’ll be alright.”

Angel sniffed and nodded, he wanted to believe Cordy.

“Come on, let’s go through to the kitchen,” Wes patted Angel reassuringly, “I’ll put on some tea and we’ll have a chat.”

“Yeah, we’ll work it out,” Cordelia said warmly, encouragingly.

“I’ll see what I can do here,” Gunn nodded towards the sink and so, the missing ring, “be through in a bit.”

Angel nodded numbly and allowed Cordelia to lead him through to the kitchen, coddling him.

xxXxx

Angel sat at the kitchen table, Cordelia sitting beside him and flicking through the Pregnancy, Birth and Parenthood book trying to find out exactly what postnatal depression was and how they could help Spike. Wesley pottered around preparing tea and coffee. Gunn left the apartment for a while then came back with a tool box.

“It says that signs and symptoms include doubting your abilities, feeling inadequate, sometimes guilty, often worthless, tiredness, low energy, becoming easily irritated or upset, having irrational or over exaggerated thoughts….God this sounds like everything he was saying,” Cordelia looked sadly at Angel who was trying to hold it together.

“Does it say what causes it,” Angel asked.

“Yeah, um, hang on, here it is, reasons and causes,” Cordelia turned her attention back to the book, “general demands of the baby, feeling alone and without help, interrupted sleep, hormones during lactation, loss of freedom, loss of previous lifestyle which can lead to resentment of the baby or more often the partner. Oh Angel, I’m sorry,” Cordelia gasped, dropping the book on the table to hug her friend as he fell apart again. She’d just been reading aloud without actually thinking about what she was saying.

“It’s alright,” Angel sniffed. “It makes sense. He’s here with Kelan all the time, giving up his life and I’m out there. He thinks that I can do what I want, when I want. It’s not true though, I can’t, although I guess I do have a lot more freedom than him. He’s probably right though, I don’t help him enough. I’m the worthless one, not him.”

“No you’re not,” Wes brushed off Angel’s comment easily dismissing his fears, “but we need to deal with this, find a way to help Spike and put everything right,” Wes stated as he got a couple of blood bags out of the fridge for Angel and Spike.

Angel nodded dumbly then, “I’m not discussing this behind his back though. I’ll go and get him,” Angel pushed his chair away from the table, then halted in his tracks and made a ‘yuck’ noise, “Wes that blood’s off,” Angel scrunched up his face in disgust.

“Are you sure? I just opened…” Wes looked into both mugs as if he could somehow see if the blood was indeed stale or not, his human nose having not been assaulted as the vampire’s was.

“Ah, no it must be this one,” Wes stated as he discovered the problem. “One of you left this in the microwave,” Wes held up the mug he’d just found, “and you didn’t smell the old blood until I opened the door did you?”

Angel instantly recognised the mug as Spike’s one from the aborted, angry lunch yesterday. Hadn’t his Childe fed since then? When had his last meal been before that? He’d said that he didn’t have time to eat but Angel hadn’t believed that and thought it was just Spike doing his ‘drama queen’ bit. It suddenly clicked with Angel that not feeding was the reason for Spike’s bloody fingers not healing instantly. He felt a complete failure. He hadn’t been looking out for his Childe at all. Useless father, useless Sire.

“You alright?” Wes asked Angel taking in the strange expressions crossing his face.

“This is all such a fucking mess,” was Angel’s growled answer, born out of helplessness and frustration, as he ran tension rigid fingers down his face leading around to massage his own neck and run through his hair. “We’re sorting this right now,” he stated, leaving his two bemused friends starring after him as he turned and walked away.

Gunn passed Angel on his way out of the kitchen. “Here, it was trapped in the U bend,” Gunn handed the lost ring to Angel.

Angel gripped and held onto Gunn’s shoulder in silent thanks for a moment, his eyes showing his intense gratitude. Gunn patted Angel back with a smile, intoning a silent ‘No problem’ before he went into the kitchen to be updated on the situation.

xxXxx

Angel knocked gently on the bathroom door, “Will? Can I come in?”

Spike didn’t answer but Angel didn’t knock again, knowing that William could feel him standing there, waiting. Eventually the door opened and Angel slipped inside.

Both men stood looking at each other in that strange awkward way reserved only for that certain someone who you are so intimate with, who has seen you do the most stupid or revolting things, knows you inside out, seen you at your best and worst, good or bad and yet still loves you regardless. Both wanting and needing to touch and hold the other, but unsure of where they stood with one another anymore.

“Here,” Angel offered eventually, softly as he held out the lost ring.

Spike nodded briskly and accepted it, slipping it onto his finger. Angel watched as Spike unconsciously clenched his now healed hand shut in a way that showed he was taking comfort from wearing it again, holding it as a substitute in place of his Sire.

Angel wanted to ask ‘How can you think that I don’t love you?’ but knew that it would sound accusatory, and knew that Spike had real reasons for believing so in his current state.

Angel didn’t want another argument.

“I love you Will,” he said with all the honesty in the world. “I love you, I never meant to hurt you and I’m sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way, but I understand now that my actions made you believe it. You’re right, I haven’t been the man that you need me to be, I haven’t been there you as I should but I want to change that…if you’ll still have me. I’ll do anything for you. Just tell me what to do to make this right and I’ll do it...anything.” Angel’s voice sounded so sorrowful yet so earnest, unsure whether or not he’d already lost his Childe.

“I love you now and I’ll love you always, I’ll never stop loving you. I told you before and I meant it. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but please…” Angel stopped what he was saying and looked at his son, “he made a noise,” he looked at Spike stunned.

“Yeah,” Spike couldn’t help but let a grin grace his face at hearing his baby’s first sound, the uneasy tension in the room broken instantly. He turned his full attention to Kelan now, holding him up to his face and bobbing him about, “did you have something to say Piglet?” he asked as Kelan reached out for him, little pudgy hands pressing against his blonde father’s face.

Angel watched Spike playing with their baby, the ease of his actions, the love evident in his eyes. It should have made him happy, did make him happy, and yet sad too. He knew that he wasn’t like that with his son, didn’t know how to be.

“You’re good with him,” Angel said softly, “a real dad.”

“You think so?” Spike asked uncertainly, wanting Angel’s approval.

Does he really think that little of himself? Is he really that unsure? Angel wondered. “Yeah. You’re good together. Anyone can see that,” Angel said again softly. “What I said before about you not being a good father, I didn’t mean it. I just snapped it out without thinking what I was saying. I’m sorry. It’s obvious how much you love him, how much he loves you.”

Spike could hear the sadness in Angel’s voice, the uncertainty. Spike heard what Angel didn’t say. Angel had fears about being a father too. It had never occurred to Spike before that Angel would doubt himself. He also realised that he’d done a good job of pushing him further down with his angry words. He wanted to take his words back but couldn’t…wouldn’t. He’d spoken the truth based on how he’d felt and how Angel had made him feel; even if it had been unintentional.

Spike pursed his lips in thought, threw Angel a sideways glance then turned his attention back to his son, “Here Kelly, you want Daddy to hold you?” Spike asked as he handed him over to Angel anyway.

Angel took his son reverently and held him close, “Hey Kel…” Angel cut his words short as his voice failed him, he closed his eyes against yet more tears that he could feel trying to force their way out and instead concentrated on breathing in his son’s scent rubbing his nose into the baby’s tiny neck and cheek, suddenly overwhelmed with the realisation that he could have lost him if he hadn’t caught Spike in the act of leaving.

“I wouldn’t have taken him from you,” Spike offered quietly, soothingly as if he understood what Angel was thinking, “I’d never hurt you like that.”

Angel simply nodded and just held on to his son, thankful to have him in his arms, relishing the moment.

“So,” Angel coughed and tried again, “So do you still want me?” He managed in a small voice, eyes still closed and not really wanting to see his Childe’s expression nor hear his answer if it was going to be a no.

“Of course I want you. I love you…but,” Spike halted, deliberating over his next words.

“But what?” Angel asked worriedly, eyes flying open.

“But things do have to change. I can’t carry on like this Angel. I need some help, some understanding,” Spike didn’t bother to hide his request in arguments or actions, just stated it as he guessed he should have done to start with, “it’s not just a case of kiss and make up. What wrong here, it can’t be healed overnight. We need to talk. Angel, I need to feel that I matter to you, that we matter to you. I know you have to work and I understand that, but when you are here make some time for us yeah? It’s not the quantity of time you spend with us, it’s the quality – do you get that?”

“I do….and you’re depressed,” Angel blurted out stupidly at the end.

“Ya think?” Spike treated his Sire to the ‘duh’ face.

“No,” Angel shook his head at himself for being dumb, “you have postnatal depression.”

“Read about that in the baby book,” Spike stated.

“You did?”

“Yep,” Spike confirmed with a brief nod of his head.

“If you come out we’ll have a talk about it and see what we can all do to help,” Angel offered.

Spike was silent for a moment as he thought about it. Angel hoped that Spike wouldn’t say no, he wasn’t sure if Spike would be comfortable revealing any more feelings to the humans and hoped that his suggestion wouldn’t spark yet another row.

“Won’t help,” Spike finally spoke.

“Won’t help? Why?” Angel asked anxious and confused.

Spike sighed heavily then spoke, “I want you to be clear on this; Kelan is our responsibility, yours and mine. I don’t expect them to help, although I know they will, they already do and I’m grateful for that. I *do* expect it of you though, that’s what you promised me, a real family you said.

“I’ve been thinking about this while I was in here, couldn’t make sense of it before but I think I finally got it. Postnatal depression fits the bill, the symptoms do describe how I feel but that’s not it.

“Without you, nothing is right. It doesn’t matter how much help and support they provide, it’s you I need. I need you to tell me that I’m doing the right thing, you to reassure me, you to listen to me, you to take notice of me, you to care about me. You do that and all the worries and fears melt away. When you’re not there to give me those things, everything goes to shit. Call it depression if you like, but I know what’s done this to me; it’s feeling that I’ve lost you.

“As long as I have you, Sire or lover, I know that I can handle anything thrown at me. Do I have you Angel? Sire? Can you give me what I need?” Spike looked up at Angel imploringly, awaiting his answer.

“Will,” Angel breathed Spike’s name as he put a gentle hand on the back of his Childe’s neck, tilting his face up, “you have me, all that I am is yours,” before he leaned in to kiss his boy, soft and gentle yet deep and hungry.

Angel broke the kiss with a soft laugh and a “Sorry, he’s wriggly” as he tried to hold Kelan; Spike with a contented sigh, eyes closed as he licked his lips slightly, still tasting his Sire there and a breathy “Yeah he is.”

“They’re still there,” Angel said of the humans waiting in the kitchen. “Do you want to speak to them?”

“I’m tired, I just want to sleep Angel,” Spike said softly. “Tell them…tell them that it’s going to be alright.”

“Alright,” Angel smiled at his Childe, kissed him again then made to leave, as he did so Kelan let out a little whimper and reached out for his blonde father.

Angel looked at Spike not knowing what to do, was he supposed to give him back or deal with him?

“Here,” Spike held his arms out for the baby taking the difficult decision away from his Sire, “you tired huh? Let’s get you ready for bed yeah?”

“Will?” Angel halted a second, not turning to face Spike as he asked quietly, “Where were you going to go?”

Spike was silent for a moment then answered just as softly, “Joyce’s.”

Angel nodded briskly, as if knowingly and left Spike cooing over their son as he went to deliver his message to Cordy, Wes and Gunn and drink the blood that Wes had made for him and his Childe…he was going to need it.

xxXxx

“They were worried about you,” Angel told Spike as he climbed into bed, having just come back from talking to the others.

“Hmm,” Spike murmured, too tired to be bothered to speak as he snuggled down tighter, cuddling Kelan against him.

“You cold?” Angel asked of Spike, wondering why he was wearing his t-shirt in bed.

“Hmm,” was the tired answer he received again.

Angel tucked in behind Spike, spooning up against his back and pulling him close. “Hell I’ve missed this,” he sighed contentedly as he buried his nose into his Childe’s hair and kissed the back of his neck, “I’ve missed you.”

Spike’s only answer was to squirm a little, pushing back even tighter into Angel’s hold. He was rewarded with a hushed “take me” smelling Angel’s blood fractionally before a wet wrist was offered to his mouth. “I love you,” Angel whispered as his Childe fed from him as he sought sleep, “I’m gonna make this work. I promise.”

xxXxx

Spike wasn’t surprised to be woken by the feel of his son wriggling against him, the “I’ll take him,” from Angel came as a shock though.

“He wants feeding,” Spike said softly.

“I can’t do that,” Angel said disappointedly, “but I’ll take him for you….sorry,” Angel bit his lip and turned his eyes heavenward, rolling onto his back and cursing the words he’d just spoken, “I mean I’ll take him…because I want to,” he corrected himself, honestly and truthfully.

“He’ll be a while,” Spike yawned, raising his shirt a little and positing Kelan to feed, “probably go back to sleep again. Why don’t you give us a cuddle?”

“That I can do,” Angel said glad that he could do something, snuggling back up against Spike.

xxXxx

Spike was woken later by a sharp “bwwwaa.” Hmm that was new. He felt Angel jump beside him, obviously startled by the strange sound. “Bwwwaa,” Kelan announced again, happy with the new sound that he could make.

“Bwwwaa,” Spike copied him, rolling onto his back and bringing the happy baby with him.

“I haven’t heard him do that before,” Angel told Spike, propping himself up on to his elbow so that he could play with Kelan’s fingers.

“New to me too,” Spike confessed, “never heard him make a sound ‘till yesterday.”

“Do you want me to take him?” Angel offered, still unsure what was really required of him.

“Nah, he’s alright, aren’t you Piglet? Oh, unless you want a hold,” Spike offered belatedly, suddenly thinking that maybe Angel wanted to hold him but felt that he had to ask.

“Do I?” Angel asked intoning that he’d like nothing better than to have a cuddle of his son as he lifted him gently and let him lay on his own chest.

“Hmm, this is nice,” Spike sighed, turning so that he could snuggle up against Angel’s side, “waking up with you and him, all of us together. He usually doesn’t get up until you’ve gone.”

“I have gone,” Angel said dreamily as he stroked softly down his son’s tiny back.

“What?”

“I mean I usually have gone by now.”

“Angel, you can’t not work!” Spike raised himself onto his elbows to look directly at his Sire, alarm evident in his tone.

“I thought you’d be happy,” Angel looked a little confused.

“I am, I’d have you here all the time if I could but when I said that I needed help I just meant when you were around. I said I understood that you have to work. I didn’t mean for you to give up and stay at home. Not that I’m not glad you’re here, but I know how much helping *them* means to you. And Cordy, Gunn, Wes, they’re only humans, they can’t do the things that you can, not that I want you out there either, I hate you putting yourself in danger but I know you can handle it, they wouldn’t last five minutes, and…” Spike babbled.

“Shh William,” Angel smiled at him, “I’m not quitting, I’m having a holiday.”

“A holiday,” Spike asked quizzically.

“I think I’m entitled to one don’t you and I *am* the boss after all. I told the others last night and they’re fine about it, thought it was a great idea actually.”

“They’ll call if they need you?” Spike asked of the humans, worried that they’d take on something that they couldn’t handle.

“If they need me,” Angel confirmed and Spike relaxed, half propping himself against Angel’s chest, laying beside their son and playing with his hair.

“And it’s not going to be a temporary thing either,” Angel continued, “…when I can be here I will. If a call comes, I’ll take it. If I’m needed, I’m there. But, I’ve been wandering aimlessly looking for people to help and in doing so I ignored those who really needed me, those who were crying out for me the most, who needed me more than anyone ever could,” Angel stroked Spike’s hair, making sure that he understood Angel was talking about him and their son. “This is what I should be doing. Getting to know my son and being there for my Childe when he needs me. Nothing comes before you two, nothing ever should.”

Speechless, Spike simply tilted his head until his lips met those of his Sire’s, already descending to meet him half way. Spike kissed Angel deeply, putting all of the emotions that he had no words for into that moment.

“Bmaaa,” Kelan announced with another new sound.

“Quite,” Angel answered his son then asked him, “so…what shall we do today then?”

Kelan scrunched his face up in thought and an all too familiar squelchy noise emanated from his diapered area.

“Before he does anything he needs that nappy changed,” Spike supplied helpfully. “Shall we go get you cleaned up then?” Spike turned his attention to his son as he made to get out of bed.

“I’ve got it, you have a rest,” Angel offered, already getting out of bed with his son leaving Spike behind looking stunned and yet not at all unhappy.

“Alright….um, call if you need any help,” Spike’s words flowed as if in slow motion towards Angel’s retreating back.

“I have changed him before,” Angel turned and gave Spike the ‘duh’ face with a smile.

“You’ve changed wet nappies,” Spike mumbled below Angel’s range of hearing as he shifted about and got comfortable in the bed again.

Spike giggled to himself as he listened to Angel’s progress in the nursery, “Ew how did something so little make so much mess? Ok we can do this. That’s it. Huh what have you been eating? This is like glue. Hold on, no wait, I can’t do it if you don’t stay still. Shit! Stupid sticky tabs. Ok let me just get another one….and there we go…no, no, no oh don’t put your hands in it.”

Spike took pity on him and got out of bed to help his Sire. “Here, let me,” he offered easily as he walked into the nursery.

“No, it’s alright. I’ll learn,” Angel hushed and smiled shyly at his Childe.

“I know you will,” Spike offered back just as softly before changing tone, “but this is a job for the shower, no amount of wipes and cotton is going to clean him up, believe me I know.”

“You take him in the shower?” Angel seemed surprised.

“Yeah ‘course,” Spike shrugged, “he loves it, don’tcha?” Spike asked his son as he wrapped him in one of the older towels that he used for such accidents.

“Won’t be long,” Spike told Angel as he made to disappear with their baby.

Spike was glad that he had his back to his Sire when Angel said happily, “I’ll join you.” He was thankful that the mortification and anxiety surely evident on his features couldn’t be seen as he offered just as heartily “alright.”

xxXxx

“Give us ‘im then,” Spike held his hands out for the baby having switched on the shower and got it to a decent temperature while teeth brushing was carried out by both vamps. Not having any teeth yet, Kelan just had his gums brushed gently.

“Are you going to shower with your clothes on?” Angel grinned at him not handing the baby over.

“What? Oh I forgot,” Spike pretended to laugh at himself but took no action to remove his shirt or shorts. “Huh? Oh,” he followed up with when Angel starred at him with a ‘well go on then’ face.

Spike slipped off his shorts then hesitantly grabbed the hem of his shirt and started to peel it off as he climbed into the shower, chucking it out just before he stepped under the spray with his back to his Sire. The fluidity and casualness of his movements didn’t alert Angel’s senses to anything having been wrong.

Stepping into the shower behind his Childe, Angel lifted Kelan up and over into Spike’s hands before pressing up against the blonde’s back. “Hmm,” Angel murmured rubbing his nose into his boy’s hair and slipping his arms around his waist, “we haven’t done this in ages.”

Spike let himself relax into his Sire’s hold as Angel nuzzled and kissed his neck and shoulders, moaning in appreciation of having this body to worship again.

Angel leaned against Spike as he reached forward to get the bar of soap from the dish, rubbing it in his hands and forming a lather out of his own sight before slipping it back.

Knowing what usually followed next, Spike instructed Angel, of Kelan, to “wash his hands first,” before the large enticing hands strayed to explore his own body.

Obediently Angel massaged the suds into his baby’s hands as Spike twisted just enough to allow his Sire access to the tiny body whilst using it to shield his own. Hands thoroughly cleaned, Angel moved on to wash the rest of Kelan’s body as he wriggled and squirmed against his blonde father, enjoying the gentle hands massaging him as the warm water cascaded over him.

“Hmm, your turn now,” Angel hushed at his Childe, reaching for the soap and working up a lather again.

Spike casually turned his back on his Sire once more, under the pretence of rising off Kelan under the flow. He closed his eyes and tried to relax as he felt Angel’s magical hands glide across his back, buttocks and legs, soaping him up and rubbing him down. He wanted to relax, wanted to lose himself in Angel’s touch but couldn’t. He hadn’t felt those hands in such an intimate way in what felt like an eternity and though he longed for them to caress him, he found himself wanting to shy away, scared, knowing that eventually Angel’s hands would stray to his chest and be revolted by what he found there, the tiniest swellings where hard, flat pectorals should be.

“William,” Angel breathed into his Childe’s ear as he pressed up against his back and reached for the soap once more. Spike could feel Angel’s hardness resting against him, nestling in the crevice of his buttocks as his Sire rubbed his hands together to work up a new batch of suds.

‘Fucking hell,’ ran though Spike’s head. What was he going to do? He couldn’t tell Angel that he didn’t want to be touched because for one thing he’d hurt his feelings, and another he’d have to explain why. But unless he told him, this was going to happen and he couldn’t face that either. Picking up on Spike’s agitated state Kelan began to get unsettled and fidgeted about restlessly which only served to put Spike more on edge.

Lost in his worries Spike jumped, reflexively let out a gasp and tensed as he felt his Sire’s hands smooth over his hips. “Shh,” Angel soothed him, “didn’t mean to surprise you.” His words should have calmed his boy, but if anything they had the adverse affect.

“Will?” Angel asked, his voice full of concern, “what is it?”

“Nothing,” Spike said automatically, but try as he might couldn’t physically force his body to ease up.

“Tell me,” Angel soothed, kissing his neck.

“It’s nothing,” Spike shook his head and managed a disarming laugh this time, “just, you know…doing *this*…while holding the baby and all…just feels a bit…weird…you know?” Spike covered, not a total lie.

“I was only going to wash you,” Angel snuffed a laugh against his neck, “I’m not a pervert. Well, not *that* much.,” he allowed a hint of humour to creep into his voice, before turning it soft and understanding, “but if it makes you feel uneasy, I won’t do it,” and was pleased to feel Spike finally melt against him.

“I’m sorry,” Spike felt that he had to offer.

“Shh,” Angel hushed away his concern. In his eyes the blonde had no reason to be sorry.

Angel had an idea, “How about I take Kelan and go dress him while you finish up in here, bet you haven’t enjoyed a shower on your own for a while huh?”

“Really?” Spike asked, sounding stunned and somewhat excited at the prospect of having the freedom to do this alone, as well as not having to worry about the awkwardness and difficulty that getting out of the shower unobserved was going to cause.

“I think I can manage that,” the smile was evident in Angel’s tone, pleased with himself that he’d thought of a way to make his Childe happy. He was still working blind on this, trying to anticipate Spike’s needs and wants without really knowing what was expected of him.

“Come on then,” Angel spoke to Kelan as Spike passed him up and over into the waiting hands. He stepped ever so carefully out of the shower, not wanting to slip while holding his precious son, wrapped him up in a towel from the cupboard and left the bathroom calling back to Spike to “take your time,” closing the door and giving him some privacy.

With the baby out of the room Spike turned the shower temperature right up, just the way he liked it. Only a shower and yet it felt like heaven to Spike, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d had the freedom to just do something, anything on his own…and he couldn’t remember the last time *that* had happened to him either. ‘Well hello Mr. Winkey,’ popped unbidden into his head, Dru’s voice from the past delivering it to him.

Anxiousness taken away now that Angel was out of close proximity allowed the underlying arousal to re-emerge. The feeling of Angel’s hands and mouth on his body after so long, the smell of Angel, his voice and… “ohh,” Spike groaned unashamedly as he took his hard cock into his hand and began a fast rhythm. He knew he wouldn’t last long, didn’t want to. Astonishingly he hadn’t even thought about sex in a long while, had been too tired and depressed to be aroused by anything, but now that he was turned on the pressure was incredible and he wanted to find his release, desperately needed to find it right now.

His strokes were nothing fancy, not designed to prolong the pleasure or tease. Up and down, hard and fast, hips rocking against the harsh movements of his clenched fist as he supported his weight on his right arm, hand flat against the water warmed tiles.

Almost there, teeth gritted, eyes shut tight as he sought his goal. His face and shoulders now pressed against the tiles as he moved his supporting hand to reach down behind his balls to find his entrance, easily slipping two fingers into his arse and going right for the nerve centre without preamble. “Ah fuck yeah!” Spike’s left hand only slowing as the first spurts of jizz erupted from his dilated slit to draw out his orgasm. His climax seemed to go on forever, shoulders shaking uncontrollably as he came, legs weakening so that he was forced to his knees, hips arched up wantonly, fingers imbedded deep inside and being squeezed with every orgasmic contraction, back bowed in a perfect arc, head thrown back in ecstasy, his curses and mutterings lost in the spray of the shower as he continued to pump himself until fully spent, until he knelt boneless yet sated in the bottom of the tub with the shower still beating down on him hot and unrepentant. The power that had surged through him left him weak, breathless, shuddering and trembling with aftershocks that he thought might never cease – yes, it had been a long time.

xxXxx

“Feeling better,” Angel winked knowingly at his Spike and in turn received the most beautiful smile from his Childe. It was good to see. Angel realised that he couldn’t even remember the last time his boy had *really* smiled. He couldn’t remember the last time that he’d taken the time to do his hair either, and although Angel loved the ‘mussed just woken up look’ he knew that his Childe was much happier sporting his slicked back style.

“Hmm,” Spike murmured, sliding his hands around Angel’s hips, melding against him as best he could with his Sire holding Kelan in the way, tilting his head up to give Angel a deep and passion filled kiss as he seemingly tried to devour him, not the least bit concerned about the baby watching them.

He finally pulled away to allow Angel to continue making their breakfast and received a questioning eyebrow and a quirked grin from his Sire.

“It’s different,” Spike bit his lip shyly and averted his gaze, knowing why Angel was looking at him in that way after what he’d said in the shower, “it’s good for him to see us like this, see us loving each other.”

“The way it should be,” Angel whispered his agreement and pulled him back for a quick kiss, chaste and gentle before smacking him on the arse, “go sit down, breakfast is just coming,” he smiled, handing Kelan to Spike as he reached out for him, then finally pressing the start button on the microwave.

“Here,” Angel placed a mug in front of Spike, “I was going feed you myself but…” Angel trailed off with an apologetic shrug and a nod in Kelan’s direction, “I think it would be best if we saved it till later yeah?” Angel both asked and promised seductively.

“I think that would be for the best,” Spike conceded huskily, mouth already watering at just the thought, his eyes automatically scoping the pale column of his Sire’s neck.

Angel’s blood offering last night had been to simply feed and heal his hungry Childe, but to share it with him now that he had a full system would only serve to infuse him and get him horny…well, hornier. Having abstained for so long it was unlikely that either would be able to control themselves and that was certainly something that their little boy didn’t need to witness.

Despite their familiar intimate actions and their easy speak that gave the impression that everything had returned to normal instantly, both Angel and Spike now found themselves falling into a semi-uncomfortable silence reminiscent of schoolboys on their first date, neither knowing exactly how to behave after last nights revelations. With nothing else to distract them, like Kelan’s actions, they were forced to acknowledge their thoughts and feelings.

Angel made to snag Spike’s fingers from across the table but pulled away again realising that he’d be taking up his Childe’s only free hand and stopping him from having his breakfast.

Spike caught the retreating hand and laced his fingers with his Sire’s giving him a reassuring squeeze. Angel squeezed back and Spike nodded slightly. A small simple action but powerful, now old lovers, and not teenage crushes, sat at the table, both finding their way again and re-establishing wordlessly where they stood with each other once more, strengthening their bond as if it had never been fractured.

“I love you Will,” Angel hushed.

“Love you too Angel,” Spike returned just as softly, holding Angel’s gaze before allowing his usual cheeky smile to grace his features and put them back into a comfortable, familiar place. Angel rolled his eyes at him and bit his lip shyly intoning ‘what a couple we make huh?’

“What is that all about?” Angel finally quit staring at Spike, his attention drawn away by his son’s actions. “He kept head butting me too,” Angel stated in a curios tone.

“That? Oh it means he’s looking for food,” Spike filled in.

“But he only ate a while go.”

“Yep,” Spike confirmed, “and he’d eat all day if I let him.”

“You gonna feed him then?” Angel asked innocently and the heat was on for Spike.

The tension that he’d felt in the bathroom came creeping back. Their bond might have been reaffirmed but that didn’t mean that Spike was anymore comfortable or confident about his body. He didn’t want to feed Kelan in front of Angel but couldn’t really see a way around it. He released Angel’s fingers, drained his mug in one go and left it on the table. “Yeah,” he answered, “but I’m gonna, um, go feed him on the sofa, it’s um, more comfortable in there,” Spike stammered over his words. He was more fluent and controlled with his actions though, slinking away nonchalantly into the living area.

“Alright,” Angel smiled at him, if he’d thought that Spike’s behaviour was strange he didn’t comment on it.

xxXxx

Curled up in the corner of the sofa, Spike helped Kelan to latch on. He was relieved to hear Angel washing up in the kitchen and hoped that he’d stay out there for a while. “Why don’t you go and check in downstairs,” Spike called through to Angel when he heard the faucet being turned off for good.

“They’ll call if they need me,” Angel thought he was comforting Spike, worrying about the humans. “I want to spend the day with you,” he smiled as he came into the lounge.

Spike forced himself not to tense up outwardly, even though his insides were currently twisting and tangling with anxiety. He looked down surreptitiously to check that Kelan’s head was hidden by his t-shirt.

Angel joined him on the couch, getting comfortable and lounging against him as he played absently with Kelan’s little feet.

“Why don’t you put the telly on?” Spike suggested, hoping that it would hold Angel’s interest for the rest of the feed. He didn’t know what he’d do if Angel felt like watching his son eat.

Angel stretched out his leg and pressed the ‘on’ button with his toe, snagging the remote control with his foot on its journey back across the coffee table, “what do you want to watch?”

“Anything,” Spike told him.

“What about Passions? Is that on?”

“Too early, ‘sides I haven’t got a clue what’s going on it that anymore. I haven’t seen it in ages,” Spike said offhandedly.

“You haven’t been watching it?” Angel was shocked.

“I told you, I don’t really get a lot of time to myself,” Spike offered with a shrug, then quickly added “Come on, you choosing something or not?” when he saw that Angel was going to start beating himself up with guilt again.

Angel flicked a few channels and settled on an archaeology programme. “This?” he asked Spike.

“Yeah, if you like,” Spike agreed.

The program seemed to keep Angel’s attention and Spike gradually stopped worrying and relaxed, putting one hand down to card through Angel’s hair calmingly. “Hmm,” Angel murmured his approval and snuggled against his Childe more.

xxXxx

Spike’s eyes shot open as he felt someone trying to remove his baby from his arms.

“It’s only me,” Angel hushed, calming him, “you fell asleep. He seemed restless so I thought I’d take him for a while.”

“S’alright,” Spike mumbled as he tried to wake himself up fully, starting to sit up properly while absently checking to make sure that his body was adequately covered.

“No, go on, you go back to sleep,” Angel insisted softly, gently pushing him back down as he ran his hand soothingly through his Childe’s hair, trying to lull him back to sleep. Given how tired Spike was, it didn’t take much persuasion and receiving a kiss to his forehead he stretched out across the couch and laid down properly.

“Angel?” Spike called after his Sire as he made to exit the lounge.

“Hmmm?”

“If you need me….”

“We’ll be fine,” Angel promised, “but if I need you I’ll come and get you,” he added, easing the nervousness that he could hear in Spike’s tone. He was bound to be anxious about handing over his responsibility completely for the first time.

xxXxx

Things didn’t go too bad for Angel for about ohhhh five minutes.

After two minutes he’d already run out of things to say to his son and didn’t really know what to do with him. He knew that Kelan was too young to play with toys yet but felt that he should be doing something with him, entertaining him somehow.

By three minutes he decided that looking after a baby was easy…although he had to admit it could probably get quite boring given that they didn’t really do anything.

“So um, what does Daddy normally do with you?” Angel wondered aloud absently bouncing his boy about…which he soon found out to be a big mistake. Bouncing a baby who’d just been loaded up with milk wasn’t a good idea, unless you happened to like being covered in regurgitated fluids.

Angel cursed himself inwardly. Spike had trusted him to look after their baby and he’d already made him sick…and it wasn’t as if he hadn’t been told by Spike countless times before not to bounce him too much after he’d been fed.

“Um yeah, alright, um it’s Ok Kelly,” Angel awkwardly soothed his son as he carried the dripping infant into the nursery and proceeded to strip him. He pulled off his own shirt too and chucked it in the hamper along with his boy’s wet clothes.

Angel kept one hand on the baby on the changing mat as he leant over and rummaged through one of the drawers to find him something new to wear.

The same as this morning it took him a while to dress his son, the fact Kelan made his little arms and legs go rigid whenever Angel tried to push them into the arm and leg holes didn’t help. Finally with all limbs inside the babysuit, Angel did up the pop studs. Then he undid them again and refastened them; properly this time.

“There,” Angel stated, pleased with himself as he picked up his son only to be covered in yet another shower of milky fluid.

“I didn’t even bounce you,” Angel pleaded as if this made any difference, then with a sigh stripped and re-dressed his son once more.

He threw the soiled clothes into the hamper on his way out of the door, then froze in his tracks and thought about what he’d just done. He’d thrown dirty clothes into the washing basket and there was nothing unusual about that, but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually done the laundry himself yet there were always new towels in the bathroom and he always had clean fresh clothes hanging his cupboard or folded neatly in his drawers, obviously put there by William.

Angel decided to do the washing instead of leaving it for Spike and expecting him to do it when he woke.

After a bit of deliberation over what to do with Kelan whilst gathering up the washing, Angel settled unknowingly for Spike’s method of holding his son in one hand whilst dragging the hamper along behind him. He daren’t pick it up in case his son wriggled and he dropped him. He dragged the nursery hamper into their bedroom and put Kelan on the floor beside him whilst he stuffed the contents of their laundry basket into his son’s one. “Oh shit, sorry Kelly,” Angel apologised profusely when he accidentally covered his son with a towel, throwing him into darkness for a moment. He spent a while checking him over just to make sure that he hadn’t done any damage even though the baby hadn’t batted an eyelid.

Now all Angel needed to do was get the washing down to the main kitchen. He could ask one of the others to watch his son while he brought the washing down, but no, he was supposed to be looking after him, not passing him off to anyone else.

Angel managed to make it down into the lobby, son firmly in one hand, washing hamper hitting the back of his calves as is bounced down each and every step from where he dragged it behind him.

“Hey Angel,” Cordelia greeted him as he walked over to the reception desk. “How’s Spike doing?” she asked full of concern.

“He’s good,” Angel confirmed, “having a rest at the moment.”

“And you?” Cordelia asked softly, her concern for Angel’s state just as much as Spike’s.

“I’m…I’m getting there. I just want to make everything right,” he confessed.

“Everything will be just fine,” Cordelia smiled reassuringly then turned her attention to Kelan, “so Daddy dressed you then?”

Angel instantly looked at his son expecting to find that the pop studs were done up wrong or something given the tone of voice Cordy had used. He looked back at Cordelia in confusion when he saw nothing untoward.

“Those are his PJ’s,” Cordelia told Angel, taking in his clueless expression.

Angel studied his son again, “there’s a difference?”

“Investigator huh?,” Cordelia teased him. “They have stars and moons on them,” she pointed out, “plus they even have nighty night sleep tight printed all over them.”

“Will Spike mind?” Angel asked and Cordelia felt bad for teasing him then, hearing the actual concern in his tone.

“No,” she assured him cheerily, “I’m just messing with you.”

“Oh, right,” Angel laughed uncertainly. “Everything alright here?”

“Yep, no worries,” Cordelia didn’t elaborate not wanting Angel to have to think about work today. “So um, you’re doing the washing? Want me to watch Kelan for you?”

Angel looked as if he wanted to say yes but felt that he should say no. “Thanks but I’ll manage,” he smiled apologetically.

“Alright, be sure to call if you need any help yeah?” Cordelia smiled at him to which he nodded before heading off with both his baby and the hamper.

Although it was only washing she realised that Angel saw it as so much more, looking at the bigger picture. This mundane task was his chance to show Spike that he was being responsible for his own son, to show his Childe that he could count on him.

xxXxx

“Right, now what shall we do?” Angel asked his son when, after a bit of a struggle and expert manoeuvring, the washing had been started.

Of course Kelan didn’t answer him, just looked at him expectantly. Angel frowned at him with a ‘well I haven’t got a clue’ expression and took him out into the lobby where he found Wes making a cup of tea.

“Hi Angel, cup of coffee?” Wes offered.

“No thanks.”

“How’s Spike?” Wes asked as he poured the boiling water into his tea pot.

“He’s fine. Having a sleep.”

“Yes I dare say he needs the rest,” Wes offered conspiratorially. “And you’re alright?” He wanted to know, yet another concerned friend.

“I’m good,” Angel confirmed with a nod yet again.

“So are you behaving for Daddy then?” Wes asked the little boy as he left his tea to steep.

“Yep,” Angel answered for him. He had a ‘but’ to add, wanted to ask Wes a question but somehow felt as if he’d be letting Spike down.

“What is it?” Wes saw the question in his expression as clearly as if he’d asked it.

“Just…well to be honest I don’t know what to do with him,” Angel felt like a failure admitting it. Spike obviously knew what to do with him else he’d have been driven mad with boredom…shit, maybe he had been.

“Yeah, there’s not all that much you can do with him yet unfortunately,” Wes agreed, “he likes being spoken to though.”

“I don’t know what to say to him,” Angel admitted, “I already ran out of things to say a while back.”

“It doesn’t really matter what you say, just how you say it…and now I’m pouring out my tea, getting some sugar on my spoon and what am I going to do with it? Stir it into my tea, that’s right. What next hmm? The milk, yes the milk,” Wes showed Angel what he meant by example, making his simple routine sound as if he was telling a story.

Angel just looked at him.

“What? That’s what he likes,” Wes defended.

“I can’t. I…I feel silly,” Angel admitted, thinking how things like that came naturally to his Childe, and obviously his friends too ….not him though.

“No one’s going to laugh at you,” Wes assured him, then spoke to Angel through Kelan, “Well lets think, what else does your other Daddy normally do with you hmm? Well he tells you stories doesn’t he, sings to you, dances with you, puts you in your carrier and takes you for walks around the hotel or sometimes Auntie Cordy takes you in the garden or Uncle Gunn takes you and Daddy for a ride in his truck or you come and help me read research books don’t you?”

“He reads?” Angel asked stupidly without thinking and deserved the ‘and you are how daft?’ expression that Wes threw him.

“No, I mean I read them out loud to him, entertaining him whilst working so that Spike can have a break…only you never stay very long with any of us do you, always wanting to go back to your Daddy,” Wes turned his attention from Angel back to Kelan.

“So Spike told him stories then? Do you know where he put the books?”

“Oh not from books, he mostly made them up, at least I hope he did,” Wes added cryptically.

“He told him horror stories?” Angel asked a little shocked, what Wes *didn’t* say tipping him off.

“No,” Wes offered instantly, then, “yes, well yes and no. I can’t say as I listened that closely but I always got the impression that he was retelling events from his and your past, just changing the names but leaving in the villains…who weren’t always the monsters as you’d expect. Actually come to think of it they weren’t that different from your average typical fairy tales; only perhaps more bloody and graphic than most.”

“He told him about sex?” Angel asked incredulously taking Wesley’s statement the wrong way.

“No of course not,” his friend blushed. “I meant in a chopping the villians into pieces and detailing it in a very vivid kind of way. Although that’s not to say they weren’t romantic, *very* romantic,” Wes added waggling his eyebrows, teasing his friend before mumbling under his breath, “oh dark and handsome knight.”

“What?” Angel would have blushed if he could.

“Hmm?” Wes simply questioned smugly as he walked off with his tea.

“Wes? Dark Knight? What did he do? Wes?” Angel followed his friend to his desk, very interested to know what William had said about him…um about the Dark Knight.

“Why don’t you ask the fair prince?” Wes threw back as he sat down with a clear ‘I’m not telling you’ grin.

“Wes?” Angel whined then tried a different tact, “You know, he won’t be happy if he knows you’ve been listening to him.”

“It’s not my fault if he spoke loud enough for us to hear,” Wes offered unfazed, then prepared to get on with his work effectively dismissing Angel.

“Us?” Angel asked and Wes smiled ‘sugary sweetly’ at him.

“Fine,” Angel huffed, “I’ll ask Cordelia or Gunn then,” only in truth he knew he’d feel silly broaching the subject with either one of them… ‘oh by the way these stories that Spike tells…???’ nope, he couldn’t see that happening.

xxXxx

“So um, this is my favourite sword because…” Spike found Angel telling Kelan desperately, trying to stop him from crying.

“Why didn’t you call me?” Spike whispered, sliding up behind his Sire, wrapping his arms around his waist and standing on his tip toes to kiss the back of his neck.

“I wanted to be able to help you,” Angel answered softly as he turned to hand Kelan to his Childe with a defeated sigh.

“I don’t think he likes me,” Angel said self-depreciatingly as Kelan quietened as soon as he was in his blonde father’s arms again.

“He loves you,” Spike assured him softly.

“I can’t even stop him crying,” Angel frowned, “yet he only has to look at you and he’s happy.”

“He’s just used to me,” Spike dismissed his fears with a shrug, “’sides, I’m the one with his food,” he grinned with a quirk of his eyebrow. “Speaking of which,” Spike nodded to indicate that Kelan was on a milk search, “I’m gonna take him back upstairs for a feed. You got anything you need to be doing?”

“Just got to put the washing in the dryer.”

“You did the washing?” Spike smiled, pleased, which made Angel smile too. He’d done something right.

xxXxx

“Cordelia!” Angel called.

“What?” She came rushing into the main kitchen following his call of distress.

Angel simply stood, one hand covering his eyes in sorrow as he pointed at the washing machine.

“What?” she asked again.

“Look.”

“Nothing’s going to jump out on me is it,” Cordelia asked nervously as she cautiously opened the machine door to reveal Kelan’s now dull grey, yet previously white and pastel, clothes mixed in with those of his two fathers.

“I didn’t mean to. I don’t understand,” Angel sounded perplexed, making Cordelia wonder yet again how this man could possibly be considered a detective…crimes he was good with, but anything like this and he was clueless.

“You have to separate the colours,” Cordelia instructed him. “You can’t just bung everything in together like you used to. It’s alright mixing yours and Spike’s clothes because you both wear black, but Kelan’s things need to be done separately.”

“Will it wash out?” Angel asked hopefully.

“Doubt it,” Cordelia sighed eyeing the grubby looking clothes and threw him a lopsided sympathetic smile.

“He’s gonna go mad,” Angel sighed in resignation.

xxXxx

As it happened, Spike didn’t go crazy at all.

Angel suspected that from the way his Childe softly laughed it off and hugged his Sire, kissing him soothingly and murmuring to him, that he must have broken the news looking very much the kicked puppy.

He’d heard the saying that ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ and found it to be true for once.

To make up for his mistake, Angel had taken Spike and Kelan out for a shopping trip to buy his son some new clothes. Actually, it was more like Cordelia drove Angel’s car, with the top up, to the mall, their baby strapped into his car seat in the front whilst his two fathers lay huddled together on the back seat under a tarp.

It wasn’t all that far to the shopping centre but the drive gave Spike enough time to explain to his Sire, after saying that he was glad to be out of that stuffy room for once, why he’d been afraid to leave the safety of the hotel before. Angel couldn’t quite believe that his boy hadn’t left the hotel since Kelan’s birth; then again he couldn’t believe that he hadn’t noticed either. Angel had promised his Childe that they would double their efforts into finding a way to deactivate the chip; although having come up blank so far Spike didn’t hold out much hope.

Cordelia left the little family to enjoy their shopping trip alone to do a bit of shopping of her own, instructing them to phone her when they were ready to leave, although she reminded them numerous times that they didn’t have to hurry…or roughly translated into Cordelia’s wishes, DO NOT rush I want to take my time shopping.

Safe from the sun’s rays inside the mall, the vampires shared the job of pushing their son in his stroller, their fingers linked intimately together on the handles, ignoring the occasional disgusted look or mutterings from those pathetic retarded few who couldn’t stomach the sight of two men loving each other, loving their son.

Shopping had never much appealed to either vampire before and yet today they were loving it; choosing things for their son, talking, listening, telling each other things that needed to be said, bonding again, simply enjoying being with each other, being a real family and not being afraid to show the whole world that they loved one another with their affectionate kisses, cuddles and touches. They even stopped for a spot of lunch when Kelan fell asleep, although Angel didn’t eat much of his.

Spike had even managed to slip in a comfortable feed for his son, taking him into the parent and baby room on the pretence of not wanting to draw attention to their seemingly impossible situation, while Angel queued up, paid for and packed their goods.

It was a good couple of hours before Angel phoned Cordelia to let her know they were done shopping and to meet them by the fountain when she was ready.

They were enjoying sitting beside the fountain. The surrounding miniature garden complete with flowers and grass, plus the bright lights of the shopping centre giving the illusion that they were outside, the closest either would ever be to taking their son out in the daytime. The fountain’s pool was stocked with pretty fish that Angel was happily pointing out to Kelan while Spike was more than content to sprawl across one of the wooden benches watching them with a soft smile curling about his lips.

“C’mere,” Spike beckoned Angel with a tilt of his head and a cheeky smirk as his Sire approached. Angel knelt before his Childe, son in one arm as he kissed William thoroughly, deeply, lovingly.

When they broke the kiss Cordelia was standing just a little out of their way, trying to be un-intrusive, “Hi guys. Ready to go?” She asked, happy to see for herself that they’d made up and were back on track.

“Am I,” Spike breathed his confirmation into Angel’s ear, purposely taking Cordelia’s innocent question the wrong way.

“Been a long time hasn’t it Babe?” Angel whispered back just as huskily before standing up to strap his son back in the stroller and collect up the shopping bags.

Babe? Angel hadn’t called him by any of his pet names in ages and the thrill of hearing one again and in *that* tone suddenly had the front of Spike’s jeans feeling a little cramped.

“Wanna push?” Spike asked Cordelia offering her Kelan’s stroller which she accepted in return for handing over her shopping bags for him to carry.

“No peeking,” she told him, “there’s a present for you two in one of those but I don’t want you nosing through my other stuff.”

“You shouldn’t have told him,” Angel shook his head ruefully with a small laugh, knowing full well that Spike would now be curious and want to see whatever it was.

“It’s not all that interesting actually,” Cordelia dismissed her gift, “but I think it’ll be appreciated,” she smiled.

Ok, so now Angel was curious too. Spike pulled a face at him, shook his head ‘no’ and took a tighter grip on the handles as his Sire leaned over as if trying to sneak a peak into Cordy’s bags.

Back at Angel’s car the shopping bags were loaded into the trunk along with the folded stroller. Kelan was strapped into the front once more and the two vamps resumed their positions under the tarp.

It was inevitable what would happen under the cover of tarp; Angel and Spike making out like horny teenagers on the backseat, unable to keep their hands and lips off of one another.

Cordelia was unaware of their quiet groping of each other even with the crunching and rustling sounds of their heavy cover, until Spike, Angel’s hands trying to find their way under his t-shirt yet again, groaned and pushed his Sire’s hands down trying once more to encourage him to play *there* or *anywhere* instead of discovering the chest that he was ashamed of. Unfazed she turned the radio on giving them the illusion of privacy and saving her nephew’s innocent ears at the same time. She didn’t complain, just happy that they were working things out.

“Can’t wait to make love to you,” Angel hushed in his Childe’s ear as he pulled the length of William’s lithe body even tighter against his own.

“Fuck, Angel, say fuck,” Spike breathed back between kisses against his Sire’s throat, hooking one leg over Angel’s hips and rocking against him.

“I can’t wait to fuck you. I wanna fuck you Babe, fuck your tight little arse, is that what you wanna hear? That what you want me to do?” Angel growled low in his boy’s ear. “You want me to fuck you Will?”

“Uhnng” Was all that managed to escape Spike’s mouth as Angel kissed him, swallowing his screams as he felt his Childe cease his rocking and go rigid against him for a spilt second, fingers digging painfully into his shoulders as his boy arched, shuddered and finally slumped bonelessly against him breathing hard.

“Shh,” Angel hissed with a cheeky smile, only now worried about Cordy in the front.

“I’ll give you shh,” Spike grinned wickedly at him, recovering his composure instantly. He rolled on top of his Sire, wincing at the squelchy feeling in his jeans, before slipping and hand between them and inside of Angel’s trousers, taking hold of his prize.

Angel’s eyes widened and flicked worriedly to the side to indicate their friend in the driver’s seat, to which Spike simply rolled his eyes in a ‘what it’s alright for me but not you’ kinda way before waggling his eyebrows devilishly and treating Angel to an expert hand job as only he knew how.

Angel closed his eyes and pushed into his Childe’s touch, grinding his body up against his boy.

“Keep them open,” Spike whispered, working fast to bring Angel off before they got back to the hotel. Angel obeyed, trying with great difficulty to keep his eyes from falling shut in pleasure.

Within moments Angel was *there*, his Childe knowing just how to work him.

Spike could clearly see the worry in Angel’s lust dilated eyes as his hands grabbed frantically at Spike and his head rocked ‘no’ from side to side, knowing that he couldn’t hold back but trying nevertheless, needing desperately to give into the pleasure but either afraid or embarrassed to do so here and now

“Let go Sire, I’ve got you. Trust me. Do it for me…Daddy. Do it for your William,” Spike breathed huskily.

The ‘F’ of fuck didn’t even make it past Angel’s lips as Spike clamped a hand forcefully over his mouth preventing any noise from escaping. A wicked gleam shone in the blonde’s eyes as he gazed upon his upon his Sire starring widely but sightlessly up at him, through him. Angel bucked wildly against his Childe as if in convulsion, neck arched back as if searching for air denied, jolting hard and violent enough that Spike worried for a nanosecond about the tarp dislodging and sliding away.

Angel had lost control, was in his control, under his restraint. Spike had caused this and felt a sick delight revelling in the feeling of power this act gave him, the jerking and thrashing of his Sire reminiscent of many a victim pinned and suffering in the throes of death by Spike’s own hand…although horrifyingly under different circumstances.

The instant Angel seemed to come back to himself, Spike gave him no time for respite, snatching his hand away from his Sire’s mouth and instantly diving in for a desperate, hungry kiss, caught up in the thrill, the intensity, the vicious memories. Angel’s hands swept carelessly up and down Spike’s covered spine, his boy slowly yielding and calming to his touch. Gradually his kisses lost their violent edge and became sweeter, tender until they were left offering pecks to each others lips.

“That should have felt so wrong,” Angel shook his head, a small gasp of disbelieving humour escaping his lips as he thought of the way he’d lost it over Spike’s calling him Daddy. He wasn’t sure about that. Shouldn’t it have made him feel…strange? Perverted? Now that he actually was a Dad and not just named so by William, Drusilla or Penn.

“Nah, has a different meaning when I say it,” Spike easily dismissed any weirdness his Sire might be feeling, and Angel realised that he was right, it was totally different and not creepy in the slightest.

Spike threw Angel a strange sideways glance when his Sire let out a decidedly girly giggle. “What?” Spike asked, amusement evident in his own voice and showing on his face, to which Angel shrugged trying to stop any more giggles from breaking free but only resulting in letting out a snorting noise as they escaped anyway.

“What?” Spike asked again, breaking into a light laughter at the sight of his Sire trying to curb his chuckling as tears of merriment began to brim at the corner of his eyes before rolling down his face.

“I, I, I don’t know,” Angel finally managed to gasp out between giggles. It was obviously contagious as this set Spike off too, who then set off Angel, who in response set off Spike again…and so on, neither knowing why they were doing it, but neither being able to stop it; feeling free and unburdened for once.

They were still giggling, much to Cordelia’s amusement (something she never thought she would hear either vampire do) when they arrived home and stepped out of the car dishevelled but obviously happy, relaxed and very much in love with one another. They managed to get some sort of handle on their laughter, intermittent short giggles only bursting out here and there, as they brought in the shopping while Cordelia carried in their son.

xxXxx

Angel got cleaned up and put some new pants on while Spike, exhausted once more, curled up on the bed with his tired son and enjoyed an unusual but very welcome couple of hours of sleep. With Spike happy, Kelan had been happier and more relaxed too, not playing up much at all today. Angel thought about joining the pair on the bed but didn’t want to disturb them. Both looked so peaceful, so serene. Their faces were almost touching, nose to nose and Kelan was snoring gently, one pudgy hand clinging tightly to his father’s thumb whilst the rest of Spike’s hand was spread protectively across his shoulder and part of his back. In fact they looked delicious enough to draw…and so Angel did.

For once it was Spike who woke first, actually feeling as if he’d had a proper rest. Angel saw his eyelids begin to flicker and hushed “don’t move Will” causing Spike to relax and hold still, guessing what his Sire was doing as this wasn’t the first time he’d woken only to be told to keep still ; besides he could now hear the comforting, old yet familiar scratch of charcoals gliding across the page as Angel worked.

“Alright,” Angel announced after a while longer, letting Spike know that he was free to move.

Angel turned the picture around for Spike to see.

“Beautiful,” Spike whispered, meaning Angel’s talent.

“Yes you are,” Angel hushed back, putting the drawing down. “My two beautiful boys,” he whispered, keeping his gaze fixed hungrily on William as he crawled slowly, seductively up the bed until he practically hovered above his Childe.

Spike raised his head up, his lips reaching for a kiss which he received as his Sire lay his full weight against him, heavy and comforting…and hard, Christ so hard.

Their slow easy kiss quickly took on a desperate quality. As if by mutual agreement, both vampires rolled slowly and carefully off of the bed so as not to wake the baby. The moment their feet touched the floor the race was on. They scrambled into the bathroom, tugging at each other, neither really sure who was dragging who along in their desperation.

There was no time for playing around, who knew when Kelan would wake. Angel unzipped his own pants hurriedly kicking them off along with his shorts as he dealt with his shirt, whipping that off too as Spike popped the buttons on his own jeans and started to push them down.

“Want you,” Angel growled as he turned Spike, forcing him up against the wall, uncaring that he still had one leg in his jeans, it didn’t matter; he could get to where he wanted like this well enough.

Spike hitched one leg up, unhindered by the denim crumpled around one ankle and brought his knee up to rest against the wall in a Spiderman pose, opening himself up to his Sire’s view.

“Lube?” Angel asked.

“Just do it,” Spike moaned back, desperate to get it on. It’s not as if he wasn’t used to it. He liked it dry half of the time and his demon body was quite capable of handling almost anything that was dished out to it.

Angel spat on his hand and rubbed the fluid over his cock anyway, it was better than nothing he figured.

“Ready?” Angel growled, the blunt head of his cock resting against his boys entrance, his torso pressed up tight against his boys back.

“Angel,” Spike moaned his confirmation, turning his head to capture his Sire’s mouth in a brutal kiss.

Angel started to push slowly inside his boy, trying to be careful. Spike had other ideas and began to frantically push back against him, not wanting to wait.

“Don’t move,” Angel gasped, breathing hard, painfully gripping Spike’s hips and holding him still. It was the first time he’d been inside his boy for ages, since the night before Kelan was born in fact, and he knew he wouldn’t last.

Spike ignored him and struggled to try and push his hips backwards against Angel’s grip.

“I’m not gonna last long if you don’t hold still,” Angel’s voice was tight as he tried to hold on.

“Don’t care,” Spike growled, “Just fucking move.”

What happened next was nothing worthy of a romance novel. There were no soft words, no tender kisses nor gentle touches as instead Angel simply went for it.

Spike found himself flattened against the wall, his cheek crushed against the tiles from where he could safely keep an eye on their sleeping son through the doorway, raised leg bent higher and higher as Angel bucked into him urgently, trying to get as deep as possible.

“That’s it give it to me,” Spike moaned encouragement. “Fucking give it to me.”

They held onto one another, needing to feel each other as they sought their release, delivering brutal but sloppily placed kisses that didn’t matter where they connected.

Angel’s hands began to explore, unconsciously clutching and grasping at his boy roughly, just needing to touch him, to hold him.

Amazingly Spike managed with some difficulty to divert Angel’s hands to hold his hips again, pinning them there with his own and squeezing them, willing Angel to copy him.

“Oh yeah, that’s it,” Spike groaned when he felt his Sire comply, gripping his hips. He wanted to push back against Angel, wanted to match him blow for punishing blow but couldn’t do a damn thing. With each and every thrust Angel delivered, Spike was crushed against the wall, his cock trapped between his stomach and the cold tiles. His hands flew back to the wall to steady himself before Angel literally fucked him through it.

“Use me Sire,” Spike begged causing Angel to moan and grip him harder, using Spike’s hips as handles to move him however he desired. He knew what his boy wanted; to feel possessed, to feel owned.

Although Spike and Angel were equals there were sometimes, like now, when Spike just wanted to be his Sire’s Childe, wanted to be dominated and Angel was more than happy to play along and give him what he needed.

“Will, jerk yourself off for me,” Angel gasped, “Wanna feel you squeezing me…oh fuck,” he ground out when Spike managed to wedge his hand between his body and the wall to stroke his dick, so ready that one touch had his body shaking and his arse muscles beginning to ripple and contract.

“Of fuck, oh fuck, oh fuckk,” Angel began chanting, holding Will tighter, just short of crushing his hip bones, forcing him to move as he held on for dear life, for grim death, his forehead pressed deep between Spike’s shoulder blades, his face crushed as Spike was against the tiles.

Spike worked his hand faster, brining himself and Angel to the brink so fast that they came crashing down in a wave of pure pleasure, unable to stop and slow the descent.

Angel lost all sense of rhythm, jerking against his Childe wildly as orgasm took over, the erratic-ness of his actions sending Spike spiralling out of control as he hit peak after peak on the way down, shooting his spunk against the tiles where globs of it stuck for a second then slowly slid down the shiny surface.

Just under ten minutes from a soft kiss on the bed to a sweaty, crumpled heap of vampire flesh against the bathroom wall. Yet another record for them.

Angel made to move but Spike grabbed at his butt cheeks, holding him close. “Stay in,” he panted. “Just for a minute.”

They stayed locked together as they were for a while, until their bodies realised that they didn’t need to gasp for air, until they came back down to earth.

“Alright?” Angel asked shakily as he slowly eased Spike’s bent leg back out of its abnormal position, massaging his abused thigh muscle and tortured hips.

“Yeah,” Spike sighed happily, straightening up and rolling his shoulders to loosen his back, then, “Oh ‘ello there, someone’s awake,” Spike tipped his head to indicate Kelan who was now wriggling around and doing his ‘I’m looking for my dinner’ face, “and hungry too,” he added raising his eyebrows in a ‘sorry’ at Angel, grabbing a towel and giving himself a cursory wipe over before trying to get his free leg back into the empty jean leg as he half hopped, half stumbled towards his son.

“Oh that reminds me,” Angel called over the noise of running water hitting the porcelain of the sink, “Cordelia brought our present up.”

“And?” Spike asked when it didn’t seem that Angel was going to say anymore.

“It’s a breast pump set,” Angel answered, embarrassed, poking his head out into the bedroom to look at Spike. “To um, so that you can, you know, um, express milk. She said it’s so that you can leave Kelan with them if you need a break, or if we want to have some time alone…and I was thinking that maybe I could feed him,” Angel stated the last sentence making it sound as if he didn’t really care one way or the other, his actions told a different tale as he semi-nervously trailed his fingers along the edge of the door frame and dropped Spike’s gaze.

“That’s um, nice?” Spike replied, half questioningly, unsure of how he really felt about Cordelia’s gift. She’d obviously meant well but for him to have to use the pump, then to hand over his own milk for them to see, knowing what he’d done to get it??? It felt wrong. It also bothered him that this was something he alone could do, his baby needed him for this, but to be able to have a bottle on standby, a substitute, would mean that Kelan didn’t need him anymore.

Spike saw the hidden flicker of hurt in Angel’s eyes before he disappeared back out of view and turned off the faucet. He realised that he’d brushed off his Sire without meaning to.

“It’s all a bit….personal,” Spike scrunched up his face a little as Angel came into the bedroom properly now, pulling his shirt back on.

“I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that,” Spike admitted, “well at least not with them,” he added as Angel sat beside him to pull his shorts and pants back on. “You on the other hand though, yeah, don’t see why you can’t feed him,” Spike stated, reassuring Angel and himself as he realised that he truly didn’t have any problems with sharing this experience with his Sire. Angel graced him with a warm smile. “Still, I’ll take care of it this time,” Spike continued, knowing that it would take too long to start fiddling about with the pump now, “maybe the next feed after I’ve read the instructions and stuff yeah?”
 

Angel gently cupped his hand against the back of Spike’s neck and guided him into the softest of kisses. That was Spike’s answer.

“You hungry?” Angel asked as he released his boy, unknowingly relieving Spike of the worry currently running through his head about how he was going to avoid feeding his baby in front of his Sire this time.

“Yeah, thanks,” Spike replied, receiving a kiss on the forehead and a hand ruffle through his hair from his Sire before he went off into the kitchen to get him a meal, leaving him to feed his son unobserved or at least get him started.

xxXxx

Angel had put away Kelan’s new clothes with his baby strapped to his chest while Spike figured out how to sterilise the bottles and use the pump. Angel had then taken his son up onto the roof, the night calling to him, while Spike had hidden out in the bathroom trying to use the pump. He’d been tense at first, nervous, this was a big step for him to take, passing over something that had been shared between him and his son alone, but eventually he relaxed and managed to get on with the task, focusing on how happy this would make Angel.

xxXxx

“All done?” Angel asked softly as he felt Spike appear behind him on the roof.

“All done,” Spike confirmed, wrapping his arms around Angel’s back and standing on his tip toes so that he could rest his chin on the older vampire’s shoulder to look out across the city. They stayed like that for a long while, neither talking as they surveyed the scene spread out before them. They could have stayed like that forever, had done so countless times before, but not tonight, not anymore, now they had a baby to think about.

“We’d better get him inside,” Spike finally hushed, “he’ll get cold.”

xxXxx

Back in the warmth of the apartment Spike filled the nursery sink to give Kelan a bath. Although his son was used to sharing a bath with his father to get him ready for bed, tonight that wouldn’t be happening. He couldn’t see a way to avoid revealing the body that he was ashamed of if he took a bath.

Angel offered to wash Kelan and so Spike left him to it, taking the opportunity to finally unwrap the book that had been delivered to him the other morning. He didn’t have time to read it tonight but enjoyed just flicking through the pages, running his fingers softly over the thick and heavy, smooth pages as he traced the intricate patterns bordering each page. He closed the book, letting his forefinger brush across and then dip into the slight indentations on the cover that revealed the title of the book, before putting it away safely to read when he had more time.

xxXxx

Angel sat on the couch, his large form looking uncomfortable where he’d curled into the corner ready to feed his son for the first time, to give him his bedtime drink. Spike turned the lights down very low and handed Angel the warmed bottle which his Sire then offered to his baby.

Kelan didn’t want to accept the teat in his mouth, continually spitting it out and trying to turn and nuzzle into Angel’s chest as if looking for the breast that he was used to, then crying as he was denied.

“You’d better have him,” Angel held in a sigh, turning to hand the baby back to Spike. As much as Spike didn’t like to see his son distressed, as much as he wanted to take him back and feed him, he was well aware of the disappointment that Angel thought he was hiding.

“Give him another minute,” Spike hushed, and when Angel looked to him wide eyes searching as if to ask if he was sure, Spike nodded his assurance. “It says in the instructions that a breastfed baby might not accept a bottle readily, and that the action of sucking is different,” Spike whispered the information to Angel as he cuddled up against him so that Kelan could see him clearly as he stroked their baby’s tiny body soothingly. Kelan’s fussing eased and bit and when Spike began to sing softly to him he quietened down completely and finally accepted the bottle, starring wide eyed at his blonde father and holding tightly onto one of his thumbs.

“Wow,” Spike heard Angel breathe.

“Why don’t you sing to him?” Spike softly suggested to his Sire.

“I can’t sing,” Angel dismissed that idea with a breath of laughter.

“You used to sing to me,” Spike reminded him, “remember?”

“Aye I did, didn’t I?” Angel said more to himself than Spike, “but that was a long time ago.”

“It was,” Spike sighed remembering. “Won’t you sing for us now?” He murmured his question.

How could Angel deny a heartfelt request like that?

He started out, unsure of himself at first, as he softly sang one of the old Gaelic lullabies that he used to sing for William, becoming bolder and more confident as he heard his Childe sigh happily beside him and felt him nuzzle up closer. Kelan too seemed entranced and turned his gaze to meet Angel’s and starred up at him unblinkingly, guzzling away contentedly now from his bottle.

“Hold his hand,” Spike suggested quietly and Angel did as he was told, sliding his finger along beside Spike’s and nudging it against the tiny fingers wrapped around it. Kelan automatically opened his hand and grasped at the new finger offered to him, Spike sliding his out of the way so that Angel was left alone in the fierce possessive grip of their baby.

Angel’s voice hitched as he sang; overwhelmed with emotion as he felt himself completely bond with his son. He knew that he loved him, knew that he’d go to the ends of the earth to protect him, but something else had just happened, so powerful and strong that he didn’t even have the words to describe how he felt.

“You feel it don’t you?” Spike hushed. “He’s yours, part of you and you can’t quite believe it, can’t believe just how much you love him, how you’d do anything for him, anything at all.”

“Something like that,” Angel managed. “I feel like that about you too but…” he trailed off, worried that he might say something wrong, not able to explain just how he felt and have everything fall apart again.

“But, it’s different,” Spike finished for him, showing him that he understood. “I feel the same way about you. I love you so much, I’d do anything for you, die for you if I had to,” he murmured, “but it’s a different kind of love, not better, not worse, just different.”

“Yes,” Angel nodded slowly, realising now that Spike really did understand. Having Kelan didn’t make him love William any less, if anything it made what they had stronger.

Neither vamp took their eyes off of their son as they watched him try to fight sleep, gradually losing the battle as his eyelids drooped and opened, dropped and opened staying closed longer each time until sleep finally won out and claimed him.

“Do you want to put him to bed?” Spike asked.

“In a minute,” Angel barely breathed, never taking his eyes from the tiny body lying trustingly in his arms, safe and protected. Angel held him for a while longer, unwilling to put him down in their bed or in his crib just yet, wanting to prolong the moment and keep feeling what he was feeling. Holding his son in his arms, having William curled around him, nothing could have been more perfect, if it was indeed perfect-ness that would cause him to lose his soul as some believed, Angelus could have easily breezed right in and claimed his body.

xxXxx

Angel carefully lay Kelan down in his crib and tucked him in safely. “Goodnight Kelly,” he said softly before placing a kiss on his forehead, “sweet dreams.”

As Angel straightened up, Spike pressed up against his back and rising on the balls of his feet whispered “I want you,” into his Sire’s ear, gently, playfully tugging at the lobe with blunt teeth, “now.” Angel turned in Spike’s light embrace and moved into kiss him, deeply, wetly. He could feel Spike pushing against him, forcing him slowly backwards towards the bed.

“Kelan…shouldn’t we…” Angel began to say, worried about his son being in the same room as them with what was obviously going to transpire. “Can I just…” Angel motioned towards the crib with a nod of his head.

“Umm-hmm,” Spike nodded, kissing Angel once more before allowing him to escape.

“Sorry,” Angel apologised before wheeling the crib into the room adjoining theirs, to where they could still see and hear their son, although not have him *right there* with them, the same as earlier. “Sorry,” again as he crossed the threshold back into their room.

Spike shook his head that he had nothing to be sorry for, snagging Angel’s fingers in a loose grip and pulling him back into another kiss.

xxXxx

It didn’t take long for the pair of vampires to make it to the bed, having lost a considerable amount of clothes en route, everything except for Spike’s t-shirt in fact.

Entwined together they explored each others bodies, lips and hands covering familiar territory. However, each time Angel tried to lift Spike’s t-shirt, to slide it up and off of his slender frame, Spike distractedly pulled it back down again. On the sixth attempt Angel actually let out a confused laugh, “William!” he mock scolded.

“What?” Spike feigned ignorance.

“Are you going to let me take off your top or not?” Again Angel sounded amused.

“I’m cold,” Spike stated before trying to distract Angel with a kiss.

“I’ll warm you,” Angel growled huskily.

“No really, I’m cold,” Spike stated as if Angel didn’t believe him…then again it was a strange thing for a vampire to complain about.

“Will, are you ill?” Angel asked, his face falling into a mask of concern as he thought about last night when Spike had admitted to being cold then too.

“No it’s just…” Spike began, but Angel cut in with a, “well take it off then,” not sounding as amused as he had before.

Spike was stuck with nowhere to go now. This had been a bad idea. How he’d thought he’d be able to get away with it twice, to be intimate a second time without him revealing his body he didn’t know.

“Will, have I done something wrong?” Angel asked, losing interest in what they’d been doing, concerned now about his Childe.

“No, no, of course not,” Spike tried to disarm the situation, laughing at himself and shaking his head as if he couldn’t understand why he’d just been behaving strangely.

“Are you sure?” Angel asked uncertainly, desperate not to have inadvertently caused pain for his Childe again with any thoughtless actions or words.

“I’m sure,” Spike assured him, peeling off his t-shirt slowly as he rolled onto his side, pressing his back into Angel’s chest and offering up his neck for some sensual kisses, arm resting inconspicuously across his small breasts, protecting them from Angel’s touch and sight.

Angel took the offered neck, hesitantly at first, carefully watching his Childe for a reaction, some hint of anything being wrong. When nothing was forthcoming and Spike was moaning with genuine pleasure, arching and pressing into Angel’s touch, he became bolder and relaxed, falling back into his stride.

Spike could feel Angel trying to encourage him, with his hands, to turn and face him but instead of complying he pretended not to notice and carried on enjoying all that Angel was giving him.

“Turn over,” Angel finally hushed in his ear, “I want to see you.”

“Like this Angel, do me like this,” Spike tried to put the right amount of lustiness into his tone, but Angel obviously heard whatever Spike didn’t say, knew that something was off about all of this.

Angel couldn’t carry on like this, something felt so wrong, and desire gone in an instant he reluctantly pulled away from Spike ceasing his actions.

“Will please, I can’t do this. Not like this. Tell me what’s wrong, have I done something, said something? What’s wrong Will?” Angel pleaded to be told.

“Nothing,” Spike tried to laugh it off, taking hold of Angel’s stilled hand and putting it back on his hip, trying to encourage him to move, to continue.

“Don’t lie to me,” Angel pulled his hand out of Spike’s grasp, sounding hurt. “Is it me?” he asked, grasping at straws.

“No,” Spike gasped forcefully, adamantly, horrified by even the thought.

“Then what?”

Spike didn’t answer, letting his body sink heavily again the bed, defeated and proceeded to lay there motionless with his back still to Angel.

Both lay in silence for a long while, until Angel finally accepted that he was not going to receive and answer and instead of pushing for one, got out of bed and made his way into the adjoining room.

The moment Angel was out of the bed Spike felt its emptiness, felt the loss. He felt it even more acutely when Angel climbed back in, having wheeled Kelan’s crib back to the bedside, and made no move to touch him. Angel was angry with him, and Spike couldn’t blame him.

Spike lay stunned, feeling completely rejected. He tried to fall asleep, tried for ages, but couldn’t. He felt so alone and couldn’t help but give into the tears that had been waiting to fall. He was sure that Angel had fallen asleep a long while ago and so was surprised when his Sire asked softly, “do you want me to hold you?”

Spike’s stubbornness only allowed him to shrug as if he didn’t care, luckily Angel could read him and made it easy on him by turning it into a question instead, “Can I hold you? Just hold you,” he confirmed softly. “I won’t try anything,” he promised.

“Angel, it’ not that…”

“Shh, it’s alright you don’t have to explain,” Angel cut off Spike’s words. His Sire’s obvious attempt at trying to be understanding and considerate broke Spike all the more.

“No. I want to,” Spike sighed. He took a deep breath and slowly rolled over to face Angel, surprised and mortified to see traces of tears on the older vampire’s cheeks. Angel hadn’t been angry with him as Spike had wrongly assumed, he was hurt.

“I’m sorry,” Spike said with all the honesty and regret in the world, meeting Angel’s eyes with his own watery ones. “I don’t know how to say it…but I’m scared,” his lip quivered as he admitted how he felt.

“Scared?” Angel asked gently, “of what?”

Spike was quiet a while, trying to think of how to say what he wanted to say. Angel waited patiently, realising what Spike was doing and knowing that this was hard for him. Angel linked his fingers with Spike’s, letting him know that he was there for him, encouraging him to open up.

“This….this body…I’m not who you fell in love with,” Spike finally settled with.

“Huh?” Angel was truly confused.

“I mean I’m…different,” Spike stressed the word as if this would make Angel understand, it in fact only served to confuse him more.

“You don’t feel the same way about me? I don’t understand, earlier we… and you said..” Angel didn’t finish either of his statements.

“No, I mean…” not knowing what words to use, Spike drew his Sire’s attention directly to the one part of his body that he’d been trying to hide, cupping the tiny mounds, “…*these*.”

“Your nipples?” Angel was trying to be understanding but he honestly didn’t get what Spike was trying to say to him.

“Are you really that dense? *These* my…tits,” Spike stated cringing in embarrassment at what he was doing, and what he’d said.

“What about them? You’re scared of them?” Angel asked slowly, checking that understood.

“What??? For fuck sake Angel, NO!” Spike couldn’t believe what his Sire had just said. “I don’t want you looking at them, touching them and thinking that I’m ugly, unattractive.”

“Why would I think that?” Angel asked, his brow crinkled in puzzlement, but all he received from Spike was a bashful shrug.

“Will, you are still you, and I can’t help but find you sexy. Doesn’t matter to me how you look, its whatever makes you *you* that I love and makes you so fucking hot. You were sex on legs as you were before, and you’re still gorgeous now.” Angel reached out and smoothed the pad of one thumb slowly, seductively around the curve of the tiny, almost non existent breast that was causing his boy so much heartache. He felt Spike tense beneath his touch, watched him close his eyes as if this would somehow make what was happening not be true.

“You don’t believe me?” Angel hushed, the message being sent to him by Spike’s actions. He didn’t wait for an answer, wasn’t expecting one as he bent his head to bring his mouth down to his Childe’s chest, but found his head held immobilised before reaching his target.

“Sorry,” Spike laughed nervously and released Angel’s head.

Not wanting to push his Childe into doing something he was uncomfortable with, Angel backed off.

“Will, let me ask you something. Lets say I was fighting a Normack demon and it, I dunno, cut my arm off. What would you do?”

“Well first I wonder how *you* got overpowered by a Normack, then I’d track it down and kill it for you. It wouldn’t get the better of me,” Spike answered without hesitation, a smirk playing about his lips.

“Spike,” Angel warned, lightly.

“I know what you’re tying to do,” Spike sighed. “I’m supposed to realise that I’d still want you no matter how you looked, no matter what happened to you…blah, blah, blah…and that that’s how you feel about me. Oh and in case you’re wondering, it wouldn’t make me feel the slightest bit different about you…I’d still want you just as I always do,” Spike felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders, felt his confidence coming rushing back at warp speed. “Although…a Normack? I dunno, might make me think twice about your…um, capabilities.”

“Cheeky sod,” Angel scolded him, eyes sparkling and a huge grin on his face, as he playfully attacked his Childe. Angel’s torturous fingers quickly changed tactic, not wanting Spike to cry out and wake their baby, stroking sensually down the length of his boys back and cupping his buttocks to pull him close.

“Do you want this?” Angel checked softly.

“Oh yeah,” Spike sighed.

“Shall I take him out?” Angel asked referring to Kelan, already making to move away in preparation to wheel the crib out again.

“Nah, leave him there,” Spike waved his hand dismissively at his Sire who looked at him apprehensively. “C’mon,” he murmured getting out of the bed, smiling reassuringly at his Sire and holding his hand out invitingly.

Angel took the offered hand, linking his fingers loosely with those of his Childe and allowed himself to be led through into the lounge, pulling the comforter along behind them, and leaving their son sleeping peacefully.

xxXxx

“Ohhhhhhhh,” Spike moaned as he slid slowly down onto Angel’s length, coming to rest seated in his lap, straddling his Sire on the couch.

Spike closed his eyes, fighting the urge to rock his hips and work his way to a mind blowing orgasm, knowing full well that he could get himself off in no time at all…and in no doubt that he could bring Angel along with him.

“Let’s make this last,” Angel hushed ignoring his own desire to thrust and concentrated instead on making his Childe feel good.

Angel smoothed his hands up Spike’s torso, up his rib cage and over to his small breasts, massaging them. Stroking across both nipples simultaneously with his thumbs elicited a long low groan from William, followed by a gasped “too much” as he ghosted across the hard nubs with feather light fingers.

“Sensitive?” Angel questioned softly.

“Ohhhh yeah,” Spike breathed.

“Better?” Angel asked as he added a little pressure, making his movements firmer so as not to tease his Childe with too light brushes.

Spike groaned, his only answer. He could feel his nipples tingling delightfully, tightening, but then was embarrassed to feel them beginning to leak. Angel obviously felt him tense a little because he soothed his Childe, “shh” followed by an awed “your so full” as he weighed one tiny breast in his palm, and finally a “hmmm” as he bent his head forward to lap at one of the wet buds.

“Fuck,” Spike gasped and threw his head back as Angel devoured him with his hungry mouth. Christ it felt sooo good. His nipples were more sensitive and responsive than they’d been before he’d had Kelan. It should have felt wrong, strange maybe to be getting turned on by Angel simulating feeding from him, but this was so different from when Kelan fed, this was very sexual, highly sensual. This was to give pleasure, to take pleasure and not to receive a meal. Spike didn’t so much as even feel a tingle when Kelan drank, *that* would have made him feel perverted, but this? Wow!

Spike dared to open his eyes and tip his head forward to watch his Sire, dark head bent, nuzzling against him as his tongue swept back and forth softly to lap at the surprisingly warm milk spilling just for him, his eyes closed in bliss as he moaned in pleasure around the flesh in his mouth. It was too much for Spike, the sensations caused by Angel’s mouth on his breasts were travelling straight to his cock as if there were a direct line, a nerve, connecting them.

“Hold still,” Angel whispered, placing his hands gently on Spike’s hips as he began to rock against him.

“Can’t,” Spike gasped.

“Yes you can,” Angel’s voice was soft and calming.

“Can’t,” Spike protested.

“Really?” Angel seemed honestly surprised.

“Uh-huh,” Spike nodded, eyes scrunched tightly closed as he tried so desperately to hold back, a strange whining sound beginning to break free from his throat.

“They’re that sensitive?” Angel asked, a hint of teasing amusement creeping into his voice as he released one hip to brush his thumb around the circumference of one nipple.

“Yesss,” Spike groaned, the whining becoming stronger as he clamped his thighs against Angel’s in an attempt to hold still.

“What would happen if I….” Angel growled seductively and gently pinched one highly sensitive nipple.

“Bastard,” Spike hissed causing Angel to chuckle.

“Think that’s funny,” Spike panted, realising that Angel was playing with him, his voice strained as he refused to move and let Angel win the game that he’d just started. He got his own back, clenching his internal muscles and making them ripple, squeezing Angel’s cock tight and causing him to gasp and clutch at Spike trying to fight the urge to thrust. Spike tried to laugh but it sounded distorted with the effort of holding back, exciting himself as he worked his muscles.

Angel teased his Childe again, not wanting to be beaten at his own game, but it was so difficult. With each ‘attack’ he made Spike retaliated just as harshly. More stubborn than Angel, Spike wouldn’t give in unless he was forced…and so that’s what Angel did.

Game face to the fore, Angel sunk his fangs into his Childe’s breast, drinking unsparingly of both the scarlet and white fluids suddenly offered up in abundance. Spike let out a strangled sob as he came, spurt after spurt of pure creamy jizz covering his Sire’s belly, his body trying desperately to arch back but prevented from doing so as Angel clung to his shoulders, fingers digging painfully into his flesh and holding him tight against his mouth, against his body, humping up into the tight passage constricting and spasaming around his length as Spike rode him hard and fast, grinding his hips against him, milking him until he was dry.

“Fucking hell,” Spike gasped as he slumped spent against Angel, burying his face into his Sire’s neck.

“Yeah,” Angel agreed, just as breathless, embracing his boy, holding him close, lovingly, protectively, not bothering to gloat about winning, not entirely sure that he had.

“Will?” Angel asked after a while, sure that his boy had either passed out or fallen asleep against him.

“Hmmm?” Spike’s sleepy answer confirmed that Angel was right with his second guess. He’d worn him out.

“Nothing,” Angel soothed him, not wanting to disturb him, “hold on to me and go back to sleep.”

“Uh-huh,” Spike sighed ever so softly and nuzzled tighter into Angel’s neck, rubbing his head into the comforting crevice and unconsciously complied with Angel’s request enabling his Sire to stand with him and carry him through to bed.

Curling up around his boy, Angel and Spike slept peacefully, their son resting contentedly in his crib beside their bed.

xxXxx

Time seemed to fly, and before they knew it Kelan was approaching his first birthday. The months had passed quickly and happily, both vampires fully back on track with each other and working as a parental team. Spike still took on the greater amount of responsibility with Angel having to work, but when Angel was there he played his part well; the doting Dad, the loving partner.

Kelan was healthy, growing well and developing new skills all the time. He’d learnt, as any other baby, to recognise his own name and those of people close to him, to understand simple requests like “where are your feet?” or “bring me the red one.”

He discovered how to hold objects, to play on his own or with others with games such as peek-a-boo, to smile, to laugh, to squeal, to shout, to make noises for his own amusement and to ‘join in’ conversations. He learnt how to imitate noises such as the meow of a cat, the woof of a dog and irritatingly for the rest of the family, the squeaky drawer of the filing cabinet.

His language progressed quickly, starting out with babbling sounds that had eventually developed into a few recognisable words, all spoken with the cutest sounding accent ever, learnt and adapted from living with two English accented people and three American, to produce an unusual mixture of the two but leaning more to Spike’s style than anything given that he spent the most time with him.

With his physical development he’d first leant to roll himself over, then to push himself up, progressing to sit, then crawl and climb before pulling himself to stand and using the furniture as an aid to help him getting about until eventually he could walk unaided. He was exceptionally strong, but then with two master vampires that wasn’t really unexpected.

He was eating solid foods now, Spike having begun weaning him once his teeth had started to come in, his chest regaining his previous masculine muscle tone as his milk dried up. Kelan was happy to sit in his high chair eating finger foods or sitting on the carpet and playing with his toys if work needed to be done, no longer crying out for either of his fathers to constantly pick him up and carry him about.

Yes, Kelan was the same as any other human baby…or was he?

At around six months old, Spike had accidentally made a significant and scary discovery….

“Sorry Kelly,” Spike hushed to his sobbing son, rubbing the spot where he’d caught him with his nail, as he cuddled him close to his chest trying to calm him.

“You hurt him,” Angel stated in disbelief, having come into the nursery to see what was wrong with his baby and hearing Spike’s confession.

“I didn’t mean to,” Spike defended angrily, still rocking his son and swaying with him.

“I know that,” Angel dismissed, a clear ‘duh!’ expression gracing his face for a moment. “I mean *you* hurt him.”

“I know,” Spike stressed his words before he realised what Angel was on about. His chip! He shouldn’t have been able to hurt his human son, even by accident, at least not without suffering a mind blowing migraine. “Hybrid?” Spike offered studying his son intently.

Angel nodded dumbstruck.

“Cool,” Spike suddenly grinned, much to Angel’s shock. “He could be like Blade, you know that all of our strengths none of our weaknesses business?”

Angel looked at him confused, not having a clue what he was on about, and not amused in the slightest. This was serious.

“So hybrid?” Spike asked again, dropping his smile and sounding reasonably sensible to match Angel’s mood.

“Either that or your chip doesn’t work,” Angel let the words hang in the air as Spike starred at him. If the latter were the case, everything they knew could change here and now.

“Hold him,” Spike hurriedly pushed Kelan into Angel’s arms and made a dash for the suite door.

“Will?” Angel shouted worriedly after him, following as quickly as he could whilst trying to reposition his son properly from where Spike had handed him over awkwardly in his rush to escape.

Spike stopped in his tracks, looking back at his Sire with a hurt expression on his face. “I’m not going to hurt them,” he stated painfully tight, hurt that his Sire would even think that unchipped he’d go straight for the humans, his friends, and attack them. Angel knew him better than that, used to trust him, chipped or not.

“What?” Angel asked confused by Spike’s obvious hurt, then realised horrifically what was going through his boy’s head. “No,” he shook his head too for extra emphasis, not wanting Spike to think *that* for a second. The thought of Spike suddenly turning into a wild beast all because a stupid piece of wire and metal might no longer work hadn’t even crossed his mind. He knew that the chip didn’t control his boy, Spike controlled Spike and made his own decisions. If he’d wanted to cause harm before he would have done it already, found a way, being chipped didn’t stop him from getting other people to do his dirty work for him.

“Pants,” Angel suggested. That had been his real reason for calling Spike back. “You might want to put some on.”

“Oh,” Spike looked embarrassed at having jumped to assumptions about his Sire. “Sorry,” he mumbled as he disappeared off into the bedroom to pull some jeans on.

Dressed, Spike had gone downstairs with Angel. There was only one way to find out why he was able to hurt his son, accident though it may have been. There were two options, either there was more to his son that met the eye or the chip had indeed fizzled out.

A quick pinch to Wes’s arm resulting in an “ow what was that for?” from the ex-watcher and a blood curdling scream from Spike as he dropped into a crouched ball, gave them their answer.

“Not the chip then,” Angel stated softly, kneeling down beside his fallen boy and trying to comfort him.

“Ya think?” Spike had growled back at him, pain and incredulity warring for dominance on his face.

xxXxx
 

“He’s awake,” Angel leant over the banister, calling down into the lobby excitedly.

“Be right there,” Cordelia nodded then called out for Gunn and Wes to let them know it was time.

“Hello birthday boy,” Angel greeted his son as Spike sat on the floor beside him trying to dress the struggling toddler.

“Mum,” Kelan squealed happily at Angel, little podgy arms reaching out for his father as he tried to escape and get to him.

“You can play with Mummy in a minute,” Spike told him, “let’s just finish getting you dressed first. There you go,” Spike patted the diapered butt as he released Kelan and let him go to Angel who scooped him up and hugged him.

“We’re here,” Wes shouted as he and the other humans let themselves into Angel and Spike’s apartment.

“Alright,” Spike called back, giving Angel a quick kiss before grabbing the camera and heading out of the room ahead of the older vampire and his son so that he could capture his toddlers face as he saw the room.

“Whos’at?” Kelan asked turning his head towards the sound of Wes’ voice and pointing that he wanted to go and see. Of course he knew who it was, but having always been asked ‘who is that’ when he was learning the names of his family, he’d learnt to always ask who it was too. “Nca Wes,” he told Angel, still pointing and bouncing now too, indicating that his father should hurry up and take him out to the lounge.

“Alright, alright,” Angel told him, purposely walking slowly to give Spike time to get the camera ready.

“Was’sat?” Kelan squealed excitedly, using his most common word, eyes gleaming and kicking his legs to be put down, pointing at the tons of balloons and streamers that his two fathers had put up after he’d gone to bed the night before.

Angel let out an “ooff” sound as Kelan did his usual trick of accidentally kicking him in the balls and put him down to let him go and explore.

“Alright?” Spike asked, sidling up beside Angel as all occupants of the room watched the little boy toddling around and touching everything with huge wondrous eyes.

“Yeah,” Angel puffed, lucky not to have been caught too hard this time. The worst to date had been when Kelan had actually stomped him, jumping his legs up and down as Angel had held him in his lap, hands under Kelan’s armpits and so giving him all the leverage he needed to get in a good hard bounce.

“Want me to rub ‘em better?” Spike whispered, grinning sexily and quirking his eyebrow. Angel ruffled his hair affectionately, kissed him then put an arm around him as they watched their boy enjoying his birthday.

“Hey Kelly, whose birthday is it today? Is it yours? Come and see what I’ve got for you,” Cordelia patted the present on the seat beside her and waited for him to toddle over.

“Was’sat?” Kelan asked banging his tiny hands excitedly on the gift wrapped box.

“I don’t know. Shall we open it and see?” Cordelia feigned surprise as she helped the little boy tear the paper from his present as everyone else looked on.

Kelan screamed in excitement when he saw what was in the box. “Is-a mines?” he squealed.

“Yes it’s yours,” Cordelia told him.

“What have you got?” Spike asked him. “Wow a train you can sit on! What a lucky boy. Give Auntie Cordy a kiss then,” Spike told him and Kelan did.

And so Kelan’s birthday went on. More presents were opened and played with, there was an abundance of excited squeals and screams, plenty of kisses and cuddles, lots of photos were taken and birthday cake was served for breakfast. By half past ten Kelan was exhausted and fell asleep on the couch, laying flat on his back with his arms flung wide out from his sides, not a care in the world. His face and hands were filthy, absolutely covered in smears and chunks of chocolate cake and sprinkles verifying just how much fun he’d had at his little party.

“I think he enjoyed that,” Angel came and sat beside Spike on the other couch when the others had gone, curling his legs up and leaning against his Childe when Spike held his arm out invitingly willing Angel to snuggle up against him.

“Yeah,” Spike sighed happily giving Angel a squeeze. “Look at all of these presents,” Spike commented taking in the new toys scattered all over the place, not quite believing just how many there were.

“I know,” Angel agreed. “He’s a lucky boy.”

“Know what else?” Spike asked conspiratorially.

“What?”

“I bet he’ll sleep for a good while,” Spike said slyly.

“Is that so?” Angel asked seductively.

“Uh-huh….so um, ya wanna?” Spike grinned cheekily, sexily.

“You have to ask?” Angel questioned, already twisting in Spike’s arms to steal a deep kiss, prelude to what they planned to do while their son dreamed.

xxXxx

So, I bet you’re wondering why Kelan called Angel Mum then? Well it’s like this…

Once Kelan had started to understand what was being said to him it was obvious to all that he got quite confused at having both Angel and Spike referred to as Daddy.

“Where’s Daddy?” Spike had asked him only to have Kelan continue starring at him instead of looking for Angel, unlike he done to Cordelia when asked “Where’s Auntie Cordy?” or to Wes and Gunn when asked “Where’s Uncle Wes and Uncle Gunn?” respectively.

Spike handed Kelan over to Angel who then also asked him “Where’s Daddy?” only to have Kelan stare at him this time instead of looking for Spike.

“Why doesn’t one of you choose a different name? Father, Pop, Papa, something like that. He’s young enough to pick up the new name quickly without confusing him,” Wes suggested, but held his hands up in surrender as both vamps turned their noses up at his idea.

“What about Daddy Angel and Daddy Spike,” Gunn stated the obvious.

“It’ll take him ages to be able to say that,” Angel whined, “besides I don’t want him calling me Angel.”

“How about Mum?” Cordelia has asked then added, “No I’m serious,” when her idea had been received with a mixture of snorted laughter.

“Mum?” Spike had asked incredulously, then, “That’d be you,” he grinned at Angel.

“I’m not having a girly name,” Angel stated fiercely, then added an “oh shut up,” when Spike raised an eyebrow at him in amusement. “Angel is not a girl’s name,” he defended.

“Never said it was Angela,” Spike shot back and got a double take from Angel when he wasn’t sure if he’d heard his Childe correctly or not.

“It doesn’t have to be a feminine,” Cordelia stated, breaking up the argument before it started. “It’s just a name, a title.”

“If we did do it,” Angel glared at Spike, “he’d have to be the Mum because he gave birth.”

“Like that should make any difference,” Spike scoffed. “Just because I did all the hard work squeezing him out doesn’t mean that I should get the woman’s title…in fact seeing as I did do all the work, you should take the name as…as…compensation.”

“Compensation?” Angel growled but was cut off when Wes butted in with, “Cordelia’s right. Mother doesn’t have to be a female name, you can take it and make it your own like… oh Spike who’s that chap that you fancy?” Wes asked, fishing about in his memory and searching for the name he wanted, his words causing Angel to shoot Spike a death glare.

“He means Marilyn,” Spike sighed looking at Angel, dismissing Wes’ words with a wave of his hand and calming his Sire who realised what the ex-watcher was on about now, not another man but a celebrity crush.

“You know what?” Gunn joined in, “Mum isn’t even a name that babies are taught to say, it’s more like the other way around, a name that they come up with naturally when they babble, mamama,” Gunn showed them by example. “Same goes for Dadda, it’s just what they say automatically, it’s the parents who took the babbles and formed them into real names.”

“That’s actually very true,” Wes pondered why he hadn’t ever made the connection before.

“Well, he hasn’t called me Mamma, have you?” Angel commented in his baby talk voice, nuzzling into Kelan’s hair and playing with him.

“Mamamam,” Kelan babbled back imitating him, then “Mammama,” he repeated excitedly as every face in the room starred disbelievingly at him.

“Guess that means you’ve been chosen,” Cordelia stated.

“That’s not fair, I wanna be Mum now,” Spike complained seeing as Kelan had now spoken what was to be his Sire’s name first.

“He chose me,” Angel poked his tongue out at his Childe and grinned widely at him.

“No he didn’t, he’s just making noises,” Spike brushed it off.

“Where’s Mum?” Gunn asked Kelan, adding fuel to the fire.

“Mammam,” Kelan squealed and slapped happily at Angel’s face with his little hands. Alright, it was just coincidence but they worked with it and it stuck. Now Kelan recognised Spike as Daddy and Angel as Mummy

Spike spent a great remaindered of the day trying to get Kelan to say Dada, but he’d had to wait another two weeks to hear it imitated back at him.

The strangeness in referring to Angel as “Mum” was short lived, didn’t even make it to the end of the day in fact. It was just a name, not a gender and hearing it associated with Angel quickly took on a masculine meaning.

xxXxx

Through the years Kelan grew, and the same as everyone else, the little family shared many precious moments.

xxXxx

Happiness…

…like when Angel, Spike, Cordelia, Wes and Gunn all sat in the very front row at Kelan’s first school play, watching proudly as their little boy played the part of “Toadstool number 1” along side a little Nitxa demon called Heather and his best friend Cedric who was Fyarl on his father’s side and human on his mothers.

Angel and Spike had decided to send their son to a demonic school after checking out the competition and had never regretted their decision once. The school took into account factors that ordinary schools wouldn’t have, such as underground entrances for those parents and children who might combust in the L.A sunshine, which meant that neither Angel nor Spike had to miss that all important first day.

Another undeniable advantage was that in a school where there were so many different species, so many different family situations that there was no prejudice or bullying…and how many ‘normal’ schools could boast such a fact. This was obviously especially important to Kelan’s parents. They’d wondered how he’d cope in an ‘ordinary’ school having to either admit or hide that his parents were of the same sex…and what would the other kids and teachers have thought if he’d started saying how his parents were vampires and slew demons for a living? It was too much to put on to a little boy and they didn’t want him to feel that there was anything wrong or abnormal about his upbringing…his was full of love and happier than a lot of the so called ‘normal’ situations out there.

Teachers and classmates probably wouldn’t have failed to notice that Kelan wasn’t like them either, with his incredible strength, heightened senses, advanced abilities and agility…all of these would just have been something else to bully him over….there were always those brainless few who chose to pick on people just because they were ‘different’.

They hadn’t even had to make up a surname and forge forms to get their son into this school. Which was just as well seeing as Spike wouldn’t say what his last name had been and Angel could only remember that his had begun with an M, to which Cordelia giggled that he would have made a fine lawyer had Wolfram and Hart ‘won’ him. At his confused look she asked him to name a few W&H employees so he’d reeled off Lindsey McDonald, Lilah Morgan, Lee Mercer, Linwood Murrow,ah all LM’s, and him originally being Liam M something himself.

xxXxx

Humorous to look back on, although maybe not always so funny at the time…

…like when Kelan had named one of his action men “Wanker” and was adamant that he’d heard Daddy call a man it when he was driving.

…Or when Cordelia, reading through acceptance letters for Kelan’s fourth birthday party had almost heaved at what she’d read. “Angel, this reply says that Harry isn’t allowed to eat crickets! What the hell sort of food are we having at this party?”

…Or when Gunn had come rushing into the usually deserted main kitchen on the information (from someone who was supposed to be doing reading homework with Uncle Wes) that Daddy was hurting Mummy, mortified to burst in on Spike fucking Angel into one of the stainless steel counters, not thinking for a second that anyone would venture down here.

…Or when Angel had flipped about Spike and Kelan playing ‘McDonalds’. He was not having *that* name in his house and wasn’t convinced, no matter how much his son protested, that a fast food joint would really sell blood. Everything had been solved when the game switched to ‘McKelan’s’ who had catered for anything anyone could possibly want to eat.

…Or when Angel had come home to find six year old Kelan standing in the corner having been told off for something by his Dad. Asking his son what he was doing, he’d been given the answer, “standing in the bloody corner and bloody well thinking about what I’ve done,” obviously reeling off Spike’s exact words without any real idea of what he was saying.

xxXxx

Loving and heartfelt…

…like when Spike had watched, choked with emotion and feeling overwhelming love, as Angel had pushed aside his embarrassment for once and squeezed his huge form awkwardly into a tiny elephant seat without hesitation or fuss, all because his son had wanted Mummy to ride the merry-go-round with him.

xxXxx

Lost for words…

…like when Gunn and Kelan returned home from a school trip to the zoo, Gunn having volunteered to be a teacher’s helper when letters asking if parents could help out had been sent home. Given that it was a daylight outing, Angel and Spike hadn’t been able to go on this one….and after both going to the last indoor outing, they didn’t mind passing over their responsibilities just this once. Evil was one thing, little hyperactive children were something else.

“Did you have a good time?” Angel had asked Kelan as he came rushing into the lobby obviously bursting to tell them about his day.

“Yeah, guess what Mum and Dad there was a kangaroo with a baby in his pocket and there was a hittoputtymus who smelled of poo and some monkeys who they had red bums and a oragetank who picked his nose and eated it and there was a goats who did give a piggy back to one of another goats and wobbled on him and made funny noises and a horse with a biggest huge willy in the world and then a caramel did a spit on Jake’s face and even a,” Kelan finally took a breath and turned his attention to a very tired looking Uncle Gunn, “wassat thing called what did a wee on Emily?”

“A rhino,” Gunn supplied.

“Yeah and a rhino squirted a wee on Emily when she stood too much behind hims cage,” Kelan told his parents as if they hadn’t heard Gunn, “and there was sharks in a big big tank and Michael said that the man cleaning their windows was going to get eaten up but the sharks didn’t even bite him,” he seemed a bit disappointed, “but and then guess what? Sally was sick in the bus on the way home…4 times!” He added in a voice that clearly showed that his parents should have been impressed.

“Whisky or Advil?” Spike had offered Gunn with a sympathetic smile.

xxXxx

Scary, freaky and strange…

…like when at around three years old Kelan had managed to get hold of a blood bag, bitten through it and drained it’s contents. It didn’t make him sick and he’d claimed that it tasted nice and made him fell strong like the Hulk. Angel and Spike wondered, as they often did, just exactly what Kelan’s biological make-up was really like.

It was when things like this happened that both Angel and Spike remembered that they’re son’s birth had been prophesised, although what lay ahead for him, what part he had to play in the great scheme of things, was still a mystery.

…Or like when Angel had practically fallen in through the lobby doors injured. Spike hadn’t even needed to be called, having smelt his Sire’s blood he was down the stairs in seconds, leaping over the railings to speed his descent.

“What the hell are you doing?” Cordelia had screamed at Spike when instead of helping Angel he’d attacked him, grabbing hold of his lapels and shaking him. “Get off of him. Can’t you see he’s hurt?” She’d asked trying to pull the blonde off of his Sire but to no avail.

“I’m alright, I’m alright,” Angel repeated, “Will stop. Look at me. I’m alright,” he said again, seemingly accepting the fact that his Childe was going for him.

“If you get yourself killed, Kelan is going to be without a parent you stupid fuck,” Spike growled angrily, “and I’ll, I’ll….” Spike began to sob and collapsed into Angel’s embrace.

“Shhh, it’s ok,” Angel soothed him, stroking down his back and cradling his head against his chest.

It was then that Cordelia realised that Spike had been shit scared and coped the only way he knew how, by lashing out.

“Want me to patch you up?” Spike finally offered; his voice muffled against Angel’s chest.

“Yeah,” Angel smiled softly at him, accepting the hidden apology.

“Hang on,” Spike had told Angel, helping him to keep his balance before bending slightly and scooping the older vampire up into his arms and carrying him, like a baby, up to their suite.

Although Spike was a vampire, with a vampire’s strength and all, being small provided an unnerving amount of deception. He had the presence of a master vampire, and Cordelia would never be as stupid to underestimate him, but she had to admit that seeing him sweep Angel up as if he weighted nothing and then make his way up the stairs without so much as a struggle, had been a strange sight to witness.

xxXxx

Heartache…

…like the time Spike had come home after information gathering with Gunn to find Angel sitting at the kitchen table in tears.

“Is Kelly alright?” Had naturally been Spike’s first concern; Angel nodded that he was and tipped his head towards the bedroom to indicate that their son was already in bed asleep.

“Then what is it?” Spike had questioned softly as he crouched down beside his Sire and took his hands in his own.

“There was this mouse,” Angel began, drew a shaky breath then continued, “Kel found it in the garden. It wasn’t moving and he wanted to know why and so I had to tell him that it was dead and what that meant. He cried a bit and we buried it. He wanted to know where the mouse’s life had gone so I told him that his life, his soul had gone to mouse heaven where he would have lots of friends and play all the time. Then he wanted to know what would happen to its body, so I told him how it would disappear into the earth and eventually help to grow flowers and trees.

“Then we came in for dinner and got ready for bed. I thought he’d forgotten about it but when I sat down to read him his story he asked about it again. Christ Spike he…” Angel broke down again, eyes shining with tears as he looked helplessly at his Childe.

“Come on Babe, tell me,” Spike hushed his encouragement.

“Will, he asked me if he was going to die one day. What am I supposed to say to that? Five years old and he’s thinking about death.”

“What did you tell him Luv?” Spike whispered.

“I had to tell him the truth. I told him that yes, one day he would but that it was very, very far away and that it was nothing for him to worry about.”

“He was alright with that?” Spike asked.

“Yeah, although he started asking if it would hurt to die, if it was scary, if his Auntie and Uncles would too and…” Angel shook his head, unable to continue as fresh tears sprung to his eyes and stole away his voice.

“If we would,” Spike finished for him, nodding his head knowing that this is what Angel was trying to say.

“Will, we’re gonna lose him one day,” Angel barely breathed.

“I know,” Spike hushed soothing him, silent tears rolling down his own face as he pulled his Sire close, hugging the older vampire.

“It’s not the natural order. It should be us, not him. You’re not supposed to watch your children die,” Angel sobbed, a little anger creeping into his tone. “I can’t let that happen. I can’t watch him die.”

“We have no choice,” Spike began softly.

“Unless…” Angel cut him off even softer.

“No Angel, we have no choice,” Spike stated firmly, making sure that Angel understood clearly that Kelan could never become what they were, he wouldn’t allow it. “He *will* die and we *will* let it happen,” Spike’s voice dropped into a faint hush then, “but he won’t be alone and he won’t suffer, and although it’ll kill us both but we have to do what is right for him. Our feelings don’t matter…not until…after…and that is when we grieve, not now. Not now while he’s with us. We have to make the most of the time that we do have with him, make his life the best it could possibly be…and when it’s time, when he’s seen all that he can see, done all that he can do…then he’ll rest. I know it’s hard, Christ I think about it too, but we have to live for now, make the most of everything now, we never know when it could be time for any of us to…rest.”

“He asked…Christ, this is so morbid,” Angel took a moment, trying to get the courage to speak. “He’s only five,” he stated again, then, “he asked that when he goes, if we could bury him in the garden so that he can help to grow a big strong tree so that he can watch over us.”

“That’s not morbid,” Spike hushed, hugging Angel even tighter, “that’s beautiful.”

xxXxx
 

And there were many more memories to be made…

…like now. Kelan, seven years old and currently tugging on Spike’s leg completely unconcerned that his Mum and Dad were sharing a kiss to symbolise the end of their vampiric binding ceremony. “Is it finished? Are you married? Can I eat the cake now Dad?”

“Shh,” Spike scooped his little boy up and hugged him, letting the high priest finish pronouncing them ‘demons in binding.’

“Now is it done?” Kelan asked as the priest wished them well and bid them to turn and face the congregations, their friends; their family of sorts.

“I love you Daddy,” Kelan kissed him as Spike stepped down from the altar.

“Love you too Piglet.”

“What about a hug for me?” Angel asked and Kelan leaned across in Spike’s arms to hug his Mum. “I love you Kelly.”

“I love you Mummy. Now can I eat the cake? I saw that Xander man keep looking at it and I don’t want him to eat it all.”

“Yeah, we’ll go cut a piece for you,” Angel took Kelan from Spike and headed for the table, his new husband holding his hand beside him.

“A big piece,” Kelan told him holding his hands open wide to show just how much cake he wanted, “A really big piece alright Mum?”

“Not that big,” Spike told him, “or you’ll be sick.”

“Won’t,” Kelan pouted, and didn’t he just look the image of Spike as he did so.

“You might and Auntie Cordy is gonna be looking after you tonight at her house so I don’t want any problems,” Spike told him in his stern ‘you’d better be good’ voice.

“So you and Mummy can do sex?” Kelan asked sounding all innocent.

“So that Mummy and me can have some time on our own,” Spike told him. He didn’t bother to call him on his choice of word, not wanting him to think that sex was a bad, unnatural and dirty thing like he or Angel been taught as a boys. It was easier to let it slide and not comment on it, Kelan didn’t know what he was really asking anyway. It was just a word that he knew had something to do with Mummy and Daddy being in love with each other; other kids at school had told him so, their parents did it too.

“And when Auntie Cordy tells you it’s time for bed then you go to bed alright?” Angel gave him some orders now, “…and no scaring Auntie Cordy with Dennis,” Angel gave him the ‘I know everything that you do’ stare.

He was thinking about the time when Cordelia had nearly had a heart attack at finding Kelan seemingly flying Superman style around her lounge and laughing manically, not realising for a second that it was Dennis’ doing and that he was holding Kelan safely and playing with him. It had clicked when Kelan announced that this was much better than when Mum or Dad did it because he could only really fly when they did this in front of a mirror, they weren’t invisible when he looked at them.

“I promise,” Kelan gave both of his parents a cheesy grin, eliciting an “I mean it Kelly,” from both of them simultaneously.

“Now can I have my cake?”

“Yes, now you can have your cake.”

THE END

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