Pairing: Angel/Spike
Summary: Truth is a funny thing. It can be glossed over, twisted, or...for a time...forgotten, but it will not be denied. It stays with us, overshadowing our lives. Sometimes...you have to step back into the shadows and face your demons before you can move forward.
a/n: 1. Previous parts of this series can be found at: http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/jtzidanic/index.html 2. In this series Angel is Spike's sire. Takes place at the end of season 6 of Btvs directly after the episode with Spike and Buffy in the bathroom. Spike doesn't go to Africa, so no soul. 3. Holtz kidnapped Connor, but Angel's son never returned. (Just for the sake of my sanity.)
Feedme: jtzidanic@webtv.net
Distribution: List archives and everyone with prior permission, yes. Everyone else, ask.
Dislclaimer: All charcters from Btvs and Ats belong to Joss Whedon and ME.
Thanks to Mel, my beta, you're the best.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Angel watches the shadows as they move across the room and darken. As the afternoon dies away and the evening comes alive, his demon grows restless. The darkness calls to him, a creature of the night. He can feel it surrounding him, caressing him, tempting him to join it, and become one with it.
Angel feels his childe move in his arms, and he knows the night is calling to Spike's demon too. All vampires feel this. It's like a built-in alarm clock that tells them when it's time to wake.
He kisses Spike on his head, and then rolls him off onto the bed. It's time to face the others and get this over with. After the way Wesley reacted, he isn't looking forward to going one-on-one with Cordy.
He walks over to his dresser and pulls out one of the drawers. He lets a small grin turn up the corner of his mouth. He can feel Spike watching him so he takes his time. He chooses a pair of dark blue jeans and slowly bends over to slide them on. As he's working the pants up his legs, he makes sure to move in a way that will expose all of his important parts.
As Angel stands up, he scents the air. He can smell Spike's arousal. It isn't strong, yet, but it's enough to cause a stirring in his own loins.
He pulls his jeans up over his firm ass, and reaches in and adjusts himself, but leaves the front open. He turns around and goes to his closet for a shirt, making sure Spike gets a good view.
Angel is enjoying this game. He's never before allowed himself to indulge in the act of seduction; that had always been Angelus. He watches Spike out of the corner of his eye, but never looks directly at him. Spike is kneeling on the bed, tracking his movements with lust-filled eyes.
He opens the closet and searches through his clothes. He settles on a loose-fitting, button-down, midnight blue shirt. He slips it on, but doesn't button it.
"Sire?" Spike's voice is husky.
Angel turns and takes in the sight of his childe. What he sees makes his cock swell. Azure eyes, dilated and alight with desire. Lips slightly parted, allowing the tip of a pink tongue out to caress dry skin. A hand, rests lightly on a thigh, as the thumb unconsciously strokes his erection.
Inside, Angel's demon is raging with desire, screaming at him to take his childe, ravage him. Outside, he pretends indifference. His swollen cock the only sign of what he is feeling.
He walks casually over to the bed and buries his fingers in his childe's unruly hair, ruffling it further. "I have to go downstairs for a while to talk to the others. I don't know how long it'll take, but I'll come back up as soon as I've finished."
"But..," Spike whimpers in distress. "Sire? I want...I need...please?" He moves closer to Angel. With a barely-there touch he starts to lightly trace little patterns over the soft skin around Angel's navel.
Angel feigns ignorance to his childe's needs, and looks at Spike in confusion. "What is it, Little One? Are you hungry again?" he asks, trying to keep a smile from forming on his face.
Spike looks at his sire incredulously, his jaw hanging open. How could his sire not see his need for him, not smell it? Then something clicks in Spike's mind. The spark-of-the-Devil shines in his eyes, and a smirk that is pure Spike slides into place on his mouth.
Before Angel can respond to this change in his childe, Spike answers, "Yes, Sire, I am hungry." He quickly swallows his sire's cock to the hilt.
"Fuck!" Angel growls at the sensation of being swallowed whole. His eyes roll back, and he grips Spike's hair with both hands. The pleasure is so intense he almost cums. He holds Spike still until he gets control of himself again. When he feels the immediate need to cum subside he half growls, half purrs, "You have the devil in you, Childe."
Spike looks up at his sire, eyes still sparkling with devilish mischief. He smiles around the cock filling his mouth and throat, and hums, "Mmmhmmm."
Angel moans at the vibrations traveling through his swollen, sensitive cock. He can feel them all the way down in his balls. "Again," he growls.
Spike's cock twitches at the response he is getting from his sire. This time, instead of humming he starts to purr. The sound coming from deep in his chest causes his throat muscles to ripple around his sire's cock.
"Shit, yes!" Angel yells, his head falling back on his shoulders. He starts thrusting his hips back and forth, pumping his cock into that wonderful throat. It doesn't take long. He roars and fills his childe's mouth and throat with his cum.
When his body recovers enough for him to move, Angel pulls himself from Spike's mouth. He grabs Spike by the hips and flips him onto his back. He pounces on his childe and repeats Spike's actions, swallowing his weeping cock whole.
"Sire!" Spike cries out, arching his back.
Angel presses down with all his weight, keeping his childe from moving. He pulls his mouth back until the head of the cock rests on his tongue. He swirls his tongue around the bulbous head, running the tip inside the foreskin.
"Ahh, yesss, please," Spike moans, clawing at the sheets, trying not to grab his sire's head.
Angel begins to suck hard with all his strength, down to the root and back up. He moves faster and faster as he senses his childe getting close to release. When he feels Spike's balls start to tighten and rise, he presses a finger into his ass. That's all Spike needs to send him over the edge. He hears Spike roar, "Sire!", as he cums, shooting his load into Angel's mouth. Angel swallows all that he is given, and suckles the softening cock in his mouth until it is once again limp.
He crawls forward until he is face-to-face with Spike. He kisses him, nipping his bottom lip playfully, and moans, "Don't want to go, but I have to. I have to deal with this."
Spike nuzzles his sire's neck. "I want to go with you."
"No." Angel pulls away and gets up, fixing his clothes. "You stay here till I get back. I'll deal with this."
Spike climbs out of the bed and stands in front of Angel. "I want to go too, Sire. I want to be there when you talk to them."
"Do not argue with me, Childe," Angel warns. "I don't want you down there. I don't know how mad Cordy is, and I don't want her lashing out at you. I'll deal with her and Wes."
"But Sire..." At the look Angel gives him he quickly adds, "I'm not arguing. I'm not. I just think if you're going to be discussing me, I should be there. If you want them to see that I'm not a threat to them, then they need to *see* me, not just take your word for it." Having said that, he backs up towards the bed. He doesn't know if Angel is mad or not, and he wants his bare ass to be out of smacking range.
Angel sighs. Spike is right. This is about him, so he should be there. And the others need to get used to his being here.
He crooks his finger at Spike, calling him forward. His childe's little back step did not go unnoticed by him. He waits for Spike to walk slowly towards him. He can see the uncertainty on his face.
When his childe is standing right in front of him he places his hands on the too thin hips. His fingers wrap almost the whole way around the tiny waist. 'He needs to feed more,' he thinks to himself.
"Ok, first of all," Angel starts, "that was arguing. And I'll punish you for that later."
When Spike opens his mouth to say something Angel presses a finger to his lips. "Shh. I don't want to hear it. I told you not to argue and you did. You'll be punished. Am I clear?"
Spike nods his head sullenly.
"Good. Second..." Angel runs the back of his hand down Spike's cheek affectionately. "You're right. You should be there."
Spike smiles at his sire and presses his face into his hand.
"*But*," Angel continues, "while we're down there you'll do as I tell you to. No questions asked. No arguing. Is *that* clear?"
"Yes, Sire. I'll behave. I promise." The memory of the last time he said those same words to his sire flashes in his mind. He trembles at the thought of the punishment that followed.
Angel senses immediately what's happening, his own memories of what happened fresh in his mind. He pulls his childe into his arms and hugs him tightly. "Shhh, Little One," he whispers into his childe's ear. "It's over now."
"I'm gonna be good," Spike mumbles into Angel's chest.
"I know," Angel responds. He starts stroking Spike's back. When his fingers lightly caress the tattoo, Spike moans and arches into him. "My good little boy. My Little One," he purrs.
Spike relaxes under his sire's ministrations. When he is calm again, he raises his face to look at his sire.
"Better?" Angel asks, searching his childe's face for any lingering fear or worry.
"Yeah," Spike nods. "I'm ok now. Thanks."
"Sure?" Angel holds Spike's gaze, not letting him look away.
Spike gives him a tiny smile. "Yeah, sure."
Angel studies his childe for a minute, and nods. "Ok. Get dressed. You can put my sweats back on. Then we'll go down to talk to the others."
Spike starts to dress as he was told. "Why do I have to wear your sweats again?" he asks as he's pulling the too-big pants on. "Why can't I borrow a pair of jeans? They'd look better."
"The sweats are easier for me to get off if I have to tan your ass," Angel says over his shoulder, smirking at Spike, then walks out of the room.
Spike freezes, pants half-covering his ass, when he realizes what Angel's just said. The muscles in his lower cheeks clench at the thought of his sire tanning his ass. "Damn." He quickly pulls his pants on the rest of the way. He finds his shirt, pulls it on over his head, and runs out the door to catch up to his sire.
~~~*~~~
When Spike catches up to Angel, he's standing at the top of the stairs, leaning against the wall. As Spike approaches, Angel signals him to be quiet and join him. He can hear the two voices coming from below, and knows Angel is listening to the conversation.
"How can you remain so calm? He's been here for *hours* now, upstairs doing *God* knows what with Angel." Wesley's voice sounds hoarse, almost raw, as though he's been talking for a very long time. By the sounds of the footsteps, he's also pacing.
**snort** "Oh, please. Hello! Used to be a *Watcher*! You know exactly what they're doing up there." Cordy sounds amused, but tired. Like someone who's spent a long time listening to someone else rant and rave. "And I'm not calm. I'm just not sure it's as bad as you seem to think it is."
"Not...*Not* as bad as I...He tried to rape Buffy!" Wes is yelling now, or very likely, again.
"That's not what Angel said."
"What? What do you mean 'that's not what Angel said'?" Now Wes sounds confused.
"Wes, you told me everything Angel said to you, and nowhere in there did I hear the word *rape*," Cordy says, matter-of-factly. "Short version.....Angel told you they were involved and it went bad, Spike tried to *force* the issue, things got a little rough, and then it was over. Which, if you think about it, we're talking about Buffy here. Sounds like most of her relationships. And Spike? Can you say *vampire*? They like it rough. Buffy should know that. She's the Slayer, for Pete's sake. I mean, you don't get involved with someone who's tried to kill you, like a dozen times, and expect wine and roses. What? Don't look at me like that. You know I'm right."
Angel looks down at Spike, who's staring at the floor with a plaintive look on his face. He wraps his arms around him and pulls him into a hug. "It's over now. Let it go," he whispers. Spike nods and rests his head on Angel's chest.
"Buff....Spike....Cordy?!" **sigh** "Ok, let's just leave that little discussion for later, shall we? There's still the fact that Spike is a cold-blooded killer. William the Bloody to be precise. He's *murdered* thousands of people, Cordelia. *Tortured* them horrendously to their deaths. He didn't get the name Spike because he looks good in a collar."
Angel feels Spike smile against his chest, and he bites his lip to keep from laughing, both of them remembering a time when Angelus had made Spike wear a leash and collar for one of their 'games'.
"Pfft. I am well aware of who *Spike* is, Wesley. I was skewered alive thanks to him, remember? And, *hey*, was there for the whole 'hot pokers and vampire ring' drama. Look, I don't like Spike any more than you do, Wes. The fact that he's here, this close to me, is *so* not giving me a good feeling. But that's not the point."
"Then *what*, pray tell, is the point?"
"The *point*, Wesley, is that this is Angel. He never does anything without a reason. If he brought Spike *here*, then he has his reasons."
"What possible reason could he have for bringing that...that *thing* here, and demanding we accept it?"
Spike cringes and Angel's face becomes hard. He can feel his anger returning.
"I don't know, yet. But I'm thinking, if you hadn't flown off the handle when Angel tried to talk to you, he might have explained it."
"Well, um, yes. You may be right. I did let my temper get the best of me."
"And Wes?"
"Hmm?"
"No vision."
"Oh. Yes."
"Yeah."
"Let's go." Angel pushes away from the wall and takes Spike by the hand. "Remember what I said." He squeezes Spike's hand for emphasis.
"I will," Spike answers, looking up at Angel innocently.
Angel recognizes that look. "And I suggest," he warns, looking at Spike from under lowered eyelids, "you also keep in mind that you already have one punishment coming." He pushes Spike behind him to protect him from harm, and starts down the steps.
Spike sticks his bottom lip out in full pout-mode, and stomps his foot. "Wasn't arguing," he humphs quietly to himself, and follows Angel.
When they enter the lobby, Wesley turns to look at them, his displeasure clear on his face. He keeps his eyes locked on Angel, refusing to even acknowledge the fact that Spike is with him. His body language, however, says he is well aware of the fact. He looks stiff and wound tight, as though the slightest wrong move would make him bolt.
Angel's face is carved from stone. He holds Wesley's gaze until the ex-Watcher relents and turns away, saying nothing. He turns to Cordy and is momentarily thrown. He was expecting anger, betrayal, maybe a full-blown temper tantrum, anything but the look of amusment he is getting.
At Angel's look of confusion, Cordy smiles. "Well, wasn't *that* entertaining?" Her voice is dripping with sarcasm. "Now that we've established whose is *bigger*, do you think we can talk about this? Or would you like to pee on something, and mark your territory first?"
"Cordelia!" Wesley gasps. "Honestly, I can't believe......that was just uncalled for."
Angel just stands there with his mouth open. If vampires could blush, his face would be red. The sound of sniggering coming from behind him breaks the spell. He closes his mouth with an audible *clack* of teeth hitting teeth, and spins around to look at his childe.
Spike takes one look at the unamused expression on Angel's face and sobers. "Sorry," he says contritely, and looks down at the floor.
Angel turns back to Cordy and sighs, "Ok. You've made your point. Let's try to talk about this without blustering or flaring tempers." He glances at Wesley, and then back to Cordy. "I know Wes has filled you in on the conversation we had earlier."
Cordy nods, but remains silent.
"I'm sure you have a lot of questions. I'll answer them as honestly as I can, but I can't guarantee you'll like the answers I give you." Again he glances at Wesley and finds the ex-Watcher pressing his lips together in a hard, thin line. When he looks back to Cordy, she's staring at him intently, studying him. He isn't sure what she's looking for, but she seems content with what she sees.
"Alright. I know why you went to Sunnydale, and let me just say I am *so* not interested in the drama that is Buffy's sex life." She holds up her hand to stop either man from commenting. "And I'm not interested in how you *punished* Blondie, because vampires? *Ewwww*," she says crinkling up her nose, "don't even go there. If Wes really wants to know you can tell him all the gory details when I'm not around."
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I am curious about what you feel is appropriate punishment for what happened to Miss Summers," Wesley pipes up, his tone of voice not quite challenging, but close. Finally allowing himself to look at Spike, he continues, "After all, he appears none the worse for wear."
Spike returns Wesley's glare. He bites his tongue to keep from sticking it out at the pompous wanker, or saying something he shouldn't. He can sense his sire's anger rising, and he doesn't want it aimed at him.
"I told you before, Wes," Angel says, fighting the urge to growl, "what happened between me and Spike, will stay between us. I won't be sharing that information with you, or anyone else."
"How can you possibly expect us to just blindly trust that you handled this situation when you will not even explain yourself?" Wesley questions him, becoming flustered again.
Spike starts to shift his weight from foot to foot. He's getting an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. He can feel the situation becoming volatile. Angel is fast losing his temper, on the edge of exploding, and he doesn't know whether to take cover, or try to stop it somehow. He tries to catch the bint's eye, hoping she can help, and sees she is just as aware of the problem.
"I would think," Angel growls, eyes becoming flecked with gold, "after recent events, you would have learned a lesson in *trust*. Connor is gone because of your lack of *trust*. I let you come back because it was clear we still needed you to help in the fight. Was I wrong to *trust* you again, Wes?"
Wesley takes a step back and pales. Once again, realizing too late the error of letting his temper override his judgement.
Cordelia steps in front of Wesley, putting herself between him and Angel, her don't-mess-with-me look firmly in place.
Spike looks at Cordy in awe. 'Bloody hell! This bint's got bollocks.'
This time, Angel steps back. He takes a deep, unneeded breath, and lets it out slowly. "Sorry, Cordy."
"Er, yes. My apologies, Cordelia," Wesley says, looking embarrassed. "I seem to be unable to control my temper as of late.
Her face softens, and she nods. "Ok. Let's get back on track here, people." Her gaze flickers between Wesley and Angel. "I think the important question here, Angel, is why? Why the bonding ritual? I need to understand *that* more than anything."
"I'll try to explain it. Let's sit down. I think we'll all be more comfortable." He grabs Spike's arm as his childe goes to sit in a chair, and hauls the younger vampire over to sit next to him on the couch. Spike makes a 'humph' sound as his ass hits the cushion less than gently. Everyone, including Spike, looks at him in surprise.
"Um, sorry," Angel stutters, looking slightly embarrassed.
"'S ok. No big." Spike gives him a cheeky smile, and makes himself comfortable, leaning into Angel's side. "'Sides, I like it rough," he says with an evil grin, and ducks as Angel goes to cuff him on the back of his head.
"If you're quite through," Wesley interrupts from a nearby chair, his distaste at their behavior obvious, "I believe you were going to explain why you chose to handle things the way you did."
Choosing to ignore Wesley, Angel looks up to find Cordy watching him again, an odd look on her face. He'll have to ask her about that later.
"I guess there's no easy way to do this," he begins. He stays focused on Cordy, knowing that looking at Wes will just get his anger going again. "I know everything you've ever seen or heard leads you to believe that vampires are inherently evil and vicious. That's not exactly true. When a fledgling rises it's a lot like a human child. It needs to be taught who and what it is, and how to behave. Although it is born with the need to feed, it is not born with the need to be cruel. Angelus taught his childer well. I had a chance to change this and make it right once before, and I failed." The pain Angel is feeling shows on his face.
Spike watches his sire intently. He's never seen this side of Angel before, and he's unsure how he feels. He's knows he is upset by the pain he sees on Angel's face, and wants to comfort him. Yet again, he wonders how much of his feelings are due to the sire-childe relationship, and how much are because of the bond. He's been afraid to ask Angel about the bond, not wanting to bring back any of the anger his sire was feeling when he 'punished' him.
"Make what right, Angel?" Cordy askes, confused and concerned. "What did you fail at?"
Wesley sits forward in his chair. The Watcher in him overriding his anger, he's now extremely curious to hear what Angel has to say. "Yes, please explain."
"When I was first given the soul, Spike was still young, not a fledge, but still learning. I could have taken him with me. I could have rectified what Angelus had done to him. I.....could have made him *mine*." He turns to look at his childe, a tear in his eye. "But I ran. I abandoned him. Drusilla was too far gone. Angelus had done an excellent job of breaking her will, and molding her into his dark childe. She would never have accepted me. But, William. He would have followed me anywhere. Done anything I wanted him to." He strokes his fingers down Spike's face lovingly. "I was his everything, even with the soul."
"Angel, you're not responsible for what happened. The soul was hard for you to cope with. You were lost yourself," Cordy tries to assure him.
"Yes, Cordelia is right about this, Angel," Wesley joins in. "You are not responsible."
"But I am," Angel replies, turning back to face the others. "Don't you understand? Angelus didn't create William the Bloody. Angel did."
"No!" Cordy gasps. "You're wrong." She shakes her head vehemently to emphasize her point. "You had nothing to do with that."
"Why on earth would you think such a thing?" Wesley asks.
Spike remains quiet. He can remember the feelings of abandonment and betrayal he felt when Angel first left, but now that seems to be all they are, just memories. He looks at his sire sitting next to him, and can feel nothing but love and devotion. Is it just the bond, or more? How can he be sure?
Angel closes his eyes tightly, shutting out everything around him. He takes a moment to rein-in his own feelings, and block out those he can sense coming from the others before they can overwhelm him.
A familiar hand slips into his own and squeezes reassuringly. He opens himself up to the bond he shares with his childe, and is surprised by what he feels. Instead of the pain and anger he was certain would be there, he feels love and adoration. He draws on those feelings, and they calm him, giving him the strength he needs to continue.
Angel opens his eyes and looks at Spike. "Thank you," he whispers. He returns his attention to the others. "Please. Just listen. I realize this will be hard for you to hear, but you need to understand. William loved his sire. I know they say demons can't love, but that's not entirely true. They just don't feel things the way humans do. It's a different kind of love, but love none-the-less."
"Yeah, I get that, Angel," Cordy says. "I mean, I've seen enough over the years working with you to know it's not as black and white as the books say it is." She looks at Wes. "I think we've all grown in that area."
Wes nods his agreement. "Yes. I believe we are all a bit more enlightened now, than we were when we first started working together."
Angel smiles weakly at his co-workers. "I guess we've all grown in our own ways over the years. A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to admit this to myself, or anyone else." His eyes grow sad, and the smile fades. "Angelus was a master in every sense of the word. He molded everything around him to suit his needs, and his childer were no exception. Penn, his first childe, he molded into the perfect companion. Penn was as close to a carbon copy of himself as he could get. Drusilla was his dark childe. He felt the power in her, and he bent it, twisting it into something purely evil, and made it his own."
"But William," Angel says, facing his childe, staring into the same loving, trusting eyes he first saw over a century ago. Before it all changed, and went horribly wrong.
Wesley shies away from the uncomfortable scene before him, looking at anything in the room but the two vampires on the couch. He notices Cordelia watching them intently and wonders, as Angel did, what it is she is looking for.
"William," Angel continues, "was different. From the moment he rose from his grave, he was totally smitten with his sire. Looked upon him as though he were a god. It fed Angelus' ego like nothing else he had ever done. To have created something so beautiful, so perfect, and have it completely devoted to him. He had to make sure he would never lose it. Instead of training him to be a master, so he could one day leave the nest, he used all of William's insecurities, and his need to please his sire, to keep him close." He becomes lost in his own memories of those times. The way William would follow Angelus around like a puppy waiting for a scrap of affection to be thrown to him by his sire. Angelus only giving him enough to keep him needing more.
"Angel?" Cordy asks quietly, not wanting to startle him.
Angel blinks, coming back to the present. "Sorry. I, um, was just thinking." 'Not brooding,' he thinks reflexively.
Cordy gives him a small, knowing smile.
Spike places his hand on Angel's thigh, and starts rubbing it softly. The effect is instantaneous. The tension drains away, and Angel picks up where he left off.
"When I received the soul, I ran. I didn't think about William, or what would happen to him without his sire. Angelus had taught him the basics, how to hunt, how to feed, but not how to survive without his sire. He wanted William dependant on him, so his childe would never leave him. When I left, William, even at his age, was little more than a fledge. He was terrified. He had never been without his sire before, and now he was alone with a sister who was insane, and a grandsire who hated him. He knew nothing of the world he lived in. Everything around him was a potential threat, and he no longer had anyone to protect him." Angel subconsciously pulls Spike closer to him, wanting to protect him. Spike continues to softly rub his sire's leg, giving comfort to the elder vampire.
"Darla grew tired of hearing Angelus' childer constantly crying for their sire, a sire she banished, and she left. With no one left to take care of them, William and Drusilla turned to each other for strength. I think it was the need to take care of Dru that kept the fear from breaking William. He had to be strong for her, even if he was only pretending to be. It gave him purpose." Angel closes his eye and lowers his head, rubbing his nose in Spike's hair. He inhales deeply, letting his childe's scent permeate his being.
"When it became too dangerous to stay there anymore, they left everything behind, and ran. It was a long, dangerous road. Word had spread of their volnerability. Two unprotected childer of the Order of Aurelius, free for the killing. Anyone with a grudge against the Master, Darla, or Angelus, anyone wanting to make a name for themselves, hell, anyone looking for an easy kill, would be out for them. They were literally running for their lives with nowhere to go. They shouldn't have survived, but they did. I guess William thought, with Angelus gone, it was his job to take care of Dru and keep her safe. It didn't matter that she was older, he was stronger. So he fought. He fought with everything he had, taking the fear burning inside him, and using it for strength. Soon it became clear that the two youngest Aurelius clan members would not be so easily killed. William and Dru had become quite the killing team. Together they were unstoppable." Angel looks at Spike and beams with pride. True, William had been Angelus' childe, and Angel hadn't had a hand in creating him, but he can't help feeling proud none-the-less.
"Angel?" Wes' voice pulls him from his thoughts. "Most of this is well documented by the Watcher's Council. It still doesn't help us understand why you feel responsible."
Cordy leans forward and places a hand on his knee. "Angel I know you feel guilty for abandoning them, but you had a lot to deal with. You couldn't have stopped all those others from wanting to kill them. They would have found out about the soul and tried to kill you, too. William had to become William the Bloody to protect his sister, but he would probably have done that whether you were there or not."
Angel shakes his head sadly. "No. You still don't understand. Let me finish. Please?"
Cordy and Wes both nod. "Go ahead, Angel," Cordy says. She squeezes his knee softly, and sits back in her chair.
"Darla lied to them. She told them I had died. She didn't want them knowing the truth and trying to find me. I think she knew they would have accepted me, even though she couldn't. She wanted me to suffer, and I did. I kept track of them from a distance, not being able to let go of them completely. I watched what they had to go through, and it felt like I was dying inside. I wanted to help them, but I was too afraid of being rejected. I was a coward. Then it happened...." Angel trails off, overcome with the pain of the memories. He swallows the lump he can feel lodged in his throat.
"William found out I was alive," Angel whispers softly, almost unheard. A tear runs down cheek. "He found out I had been alive all that time, and had left them to their fate. I still don't know how he found out, but it doesn't matter. I know what it did to him. I saw it happening. Oh, god, I could have done something to stop it, to change it, and still I did nothing." The tears were freely flowing done Angel's face now. He wasn't even aware they were there.
Spike slides into his sire's lap. He wraps his arms around Angel and holds him as tightly as he can. He wants to stop his sire from continuing. He wants to tell him it doesn't matter anymore, that all is forgiven, anything, just to ease his pain. But he knows he can't. Angel has been holding this in for far too long. It's been eating at him, and the only way he is going to heal is to let it out.
Wesley doesn't say anything about Spike's actions, and his face doesn't show any emotion. Cordy gives Spike a small smile of thanks, glad that he is there to help make this easier for her friend.
Angel feels as though he is drowning in the past. Thoughts and feelings he hadn't allowed himself to acknowledge before, all coming to the surface like a tidal wave, bowling him over, pushing him under. He clings to Spike like a life preserver.
"It was like watching the birth of a new being," Angel's voice is filled with both awe and dread. "William broke, crumbled, fell away, and what came out of the debris was a demon that scared even Angelus. I felt him tremble inside me. And this new demon had a message for us, for his *sire*. And it came through loud and clear, painted in the streets of every city he visited. Painted in the blood of innocents. He was now a Master. He was no longer Angelus'. No longer *ours*. He bathed in blood and left corpses by the hundreds, daring us to challenge his right to do so. When it became clear I wouldn't come out of hiding to challenge him, he delivered one final message to me." Angel doesn't know if he can continue. The pain, so deep.
"It's ok, Angel." Cordy tries to give him comfort, but knows she can't. Like Spike, she knows this is something Angel has to do to heal. She can feel the sting of tears behind her eyes, and she fights to keep them at bay.
"I had..." Angel's voice starts to crack. "Oh, god. I had just saved a homeless family from a small group of demons. A mother and four children. The youngest just a baby. They were staying in an abandoned building, little more than a shack. I was so engrossed in what I was doing, I never felt their presense. Never heard them until it was too late. I couldn't....couldn't stop them. There were too many of them. William had found me, and he had a group of minions with him. The minions attacked me, keeping me distracted while...while William killed the family. There were too many of them. They beat me down, held me, made me....look. William held the baby in his hand, dangling it in the air in front of me. It was still alive, crying, scared. I tried to beg for its life, apologizing.....for....for everything, but the more I said, the madder he got. The look in his eyes, the anger, the...*hate*."
Angel is openly sobbing now. Holding Spike so tightly against him, you can hear bones creak. "I started to weep, but not for the child I knew was about to die. I wept for the one I knew I had lost. The one that would never be mine again, no matter how much I said I was sorry. He held the baby in front of me and asked me, "Do you care for this creature, Angelus? Does it matter to you whether it lives or dies?" I couldn't talk, I just nodded yes, and continued to cry. "Good," he said, then he ripped the babies throat out, but he didn't feed. That wasn't was this was about. He let his mouth fill with the baby's blood, and then he spit it into my face. He dropped the little dying body on the floor in front of me. I couldn't even bring myself to look at it, because I knew what William was doing, and I was dying inside. He moved the collar of his shirt and sliced open the skin directly over my mark. "You are dead to me, Angelus," was all he said, and then they were gone. I curled up into a ball on that blood covered floor, and I wailed. Angelus screaming his agony just as loudly inside me. I laid there for days, crying and mourning. But not for the loss of the innocents who had been killed. I mourned the loss of my childe, my son."
Wesley grows pale and nauseous, as the implications of Angel's story finally sink in. All those deaths, all those lives destroyed; because Angel abandoned his childer. He knows Angel did what he needed to, to survive having been cursed with a soul; but a part of him can't help wondering, what if Angel had stayed? Would things have been better? What if Angel had gone back? Could he have changed what happened? Or was it just fate?
Cordy doesn't fight to hold back her tears any longer. She lets them flow freely, hurting for her friend, feeling his pain. Knowing Angel had to go through this to get past it doesn't help lessen the ache she feels in her heart.
They're so lost in their own thoughts and feelings that they don't notice right away what is happening on the couch in front of them. It's the sound that finally draws their attention. It starts out soft, barely there, and grows in intensity. It's like a soft purr, mixed with a kind of keening noise. Cordy and Wes stare at the vampires in confusion, not understanding what they're seeing.
Spike, still sitting in Angel's lap has taken his sire's head and pressed it tight to his chest. His eyes are closed, his head thrown back, his brow furrowed in intense concentration. The keening-purr they hear is coming from him.
What can't be seen by the on-lookers is the bond between sire and childe at work. Spike, sensing his sire's despair over the bond, acted on instinct. With a deep seated need to take away his sire's pain he opens the bond between them fully, sending comfort and love to the elder vampire, while demanding Angel release his pain to his childe.
Angel struggles at first, not wanting to burden his childe with his pain, wanting to hold on to it to feed his guilt over hurting those he loves. But his childe is a force to be reckoned with, and will not be denied. Angel finally gives in to the bond and his childe, allowing himself to be wrapped in a protective blanket of love as his pain drains away. The sound reverberating from Spike's chest calms him, and eases the discomfort of the emotional release.
In the aftermath, the vampires grow calm and quiet. Spike's keening-purr loses its urgency, and turns into a soft, contented purr. His hands move down to Angel's back, stroking lightly over the tense muscles, relaxing them.
Angel opens his eyes slowly, not entirely sure what has just happened. He's never experienced anything like what just took place between him and his childe. He's never even heard of such a thing being possible. Wondering if the new bond between them has in some way affected the sire-childe bond they share, he subconciously slides his hand under Spike's shirt to touch the tattoo he placed on his childe's lower back. He gasps in surprise at the warmth he feels there.
Angel sits up and finds Spike looking at him, the same feeling of awe shining in the younger vampire's eyes. "Wow," Angel whispers, a smile starting to play at the corner of his mouth.
"Yeah, uh, what you said," Spike agrees, nodding weakly, a slightly dazed expression on his face.
Angel fists his hand in the hair at the nape of Spike's neck and pulls him forward into a deep kiss. He ravages his childe's mouth with a savagery only a demon could appreciate. When they seperate they're both panting for unneeded air. He hugs Spike tightly and whispers in his ear, "Ta gra agam ort."
Spike buries his face in his sire's neck. "I love you, too, Sire."
Remembering the others in the room, Angel looks up. He bites his tongue to keep from laughing at the open-mouthed look of surprise on Wesley's face.
Realizing how he must look, Wesley snaps his mouth shut, coughs to clear his throat, and sits up straighter in his seat, trying to collect himself.
Cordy wipes away her tears, drying her face. She watches Angel holding Spike for a moment, and then asks, "Are you ok, Angel?" She glances at Spike. "Both of you. Are you ok?" concern is clear in her voice.
Angel nods. "Yeah. Yeah, we're ok. But I need you two to understand. I have lost a lot over the years. I won't lose any more. I won't lose my childe. He's all I have left. I'll do whatever I need to, to keep him with me. I don't want to hurt you, either of you, but from now on.....Spike comes first."
He waits for his words to sink in, needing to see the others reactions. What he sees surprises him. Cordy smiles at him. "It's ok, Angel. We get it now. We understand. We'll do what we need to to make it work."
"Yes, Angel," Wesley agrees. "I'm not sure I agree with everything that you've said, but I understand why you feel the way that you do. And I believe..I..*hope* I've learned to be just a little bit more trusting of others. And I hope you can trust us to help you through this."
"Thank you. Both of you. I know this isn't easy. Thank you." Angel looks down at his childe resting against him. "I think this has taken a lot out of all of us, emotionally, if not physically. Let's call it a night and get some rest." He tightens his grip on Spike and stands up. The others follow suit and stand, too.
"Go ahead and take him upstairs, Angel," Cordy says, stepping forward and giving him a quick hug. "Get some sleep. We'll see you tomorrow."
"Yes, please do. I'll help Cordelia close up down here, and then I'll escort her out." Wesley gives Angel a meaningful look. "Tomorrow we can start anew."
Angel considers Wesley and his words for a few seconds, and then nods his understanding. He leaves them, taking his childe up to their room.
When the vampires are out of sight, Wesley turns to Cordellia and states matter-of-factly, "You knew."
Cordy bites her lip, but doesn't say anything.
"How?" Wesley asks, watching her curiously.
She gazes off for a moment as though she were looking at something no one else could see, nods her head slightly as though confirming something she had already known, then focuses on Wesley. "Vision."
"But..you said.."
"I lied," she smiles.
"Why?" Wesley asks, completely confused by Cordy's behaviour.
Cordy stares up to where Angel disappeared at the top of the stairs. "Because he needed to say it." She turns to Wesley and reaches out to touch his cheek. "And you needed to hear it."
Wesley takes her declaration in and ponders it a minute. Realizing everything she said was true, he takes her hand in his and squeezes it. "Thank you. You are truly special, Cordelia Chase."
Seizing the opportunity to break the serious mood, Cordy punches him lightly in the arm and laughs, "Yeah. And don't you forget it. Come on. I don't know about you, but I need food and a long soak in a hot tub."
"Hmm. I agree. That sounds like the ticket."
They gather their things, and leave the hotel to the vampires upstairs.
In their room, Angel lays Spike on the bed. Brushing the hair from his childe's face, he looks at him intently. "Are you tired, Little One?"
Spike starts to unbutton Angel's shirt. "Mm, no. Not tired, really. Just.." His fingers stop and he looks at Angel questioningly. "That was really intense. I mean...not what you were saying....but after....Sire, what was that?"
Angel slides his hand under Spike's shirt. "Mmm. Not sure. I think it has something to do with the new bond we share. When I touched your back earlier the skin felt warm where the tattoo is." He slides his hand around to Spike's back and lets it rest over the tattoo. "Did you feel anything odd?"
Spike thinks about it for a second, playing with the buttons on Angel's shirt. "Yeah," he nods. "It was kind of weird. My back got all tingly like and there was this tugging feelin' down in my gut. Then things started happenin' like I was on automatic, like I jus' knew what to do." He shrugs his shoulders, and finishes unbottoning Angel's shirt. "Jus' weird."
"Hmm. Yeah, weird." Angel moves his hand, finding a nipple to torment. "We're basically entering uncharted territory here, so I guess we'll just have to play it by ear. Deal with it as it comes along. Should be interesting." He pinches Spike's nipple hard, causing him to groan.
Spike retaliates, leaning forward, taking Angel's nipple in his mouth and biting less than gently. He wraps his arms around the elder vampire, holding him in place so he can't escape the sensual torture.
Angel hisses as the sharp pain in his nipple sends a jolt of electricity straight to his cock. He presses his swelling cock against Spike, trying to create friction. Grabbing Spike by the hair, he pulls the younger vampire's head back harshly, causing blunt, human-like teeth to tear through the delicate skin of his sensitive nipple. He snarls at the pain and covers Spike's mouth with his own, kissing him until his childe's lips are swollen and red.
"Strip. Now," Angel growls, and stands up, hastily removing his own clothes, throwing them without care across the room onto the floor.
Spike jumps at the order, and quickly strips off the too-big sweat suit, throwing it to the floor to join Angel's discarded clothing. He then positions himself on the bed, stretched out for his sire's viewing pleasure.
Angel takes in the sight of his naked childe spread out before him, submitting to him, and growls approvingly. He climbs back onto the bed, and positions himself over his childe, pinning him to the bed. He grabs Spike's arms, pushes them above his head, and then encases the two slim wrists in one of his own much larger hands, preventing them from moving. "Stay," he orders.
"Yes, Sire," Spike answers, his body growing still.
Angel kisses him, biting his lower lip, drawing a few drops of blood. Spike hisses but doesn't move. Angel sucks on the damaged lip until it stops bleeding, and starts to heal. He works his way down Spike's body, nipping and kissing his childe's exposed skin. Spike moans and trembles with the pain-pleasure of his sire's attentions, but doesn't move.
When Angel gets to Spike's swollen, weeping cock, he releases the wrists, repositioning his hands on Spike's hips. "Stay," he repeats.
Spike nods, and bites his lip in concentration, willing his body not to move.
Angel returns his attention to the cock in front of him, dripping moisture from the tiny slit. He flicks the head with his tongue, taking the clear fluid into his mouth. "Mmm. So sweet. I can never get enough of you, Childe."
Spike's only response is a tiny gasp and a soft moan.
Angel takes the cock into his mouth, sliding down the hard shaft until his chin is nestled in a bed of soft, dark-blonde curls. He works his tongue up and down the thick vein on the underside of the cock, then focuses on the sensitive spot directly under the head.
Spike begins to pant, and his muscles tremble as he fights to remain still.
Angel lets Spike's cock slide free of his mouth. Ignoring his childe's frustrated groan he reaches for the drawer of his nightstand. He pulls it open and rumages around inside until he has what he is looing for.
Spike's head pops up when he feels a leather strap being snapped into place around the base of his painfully erect cock. A second strap encircles his balls, and a third is snapped into place forcing his balls uncomfortably apart. "Sire?" he asks uncertainly.
"Hmm?" Angel responds as he bends over and places a soft kiss on the engorged, purpling head. He swats the cock playfully and smiles as it bounces.
Spike arches an eyebrow at his sire. "What are you doing?" Spike's uncertainty turns into trepidation as he watches Angel reach into his nightstand again and pull out a vibrator and a tube of lube.
Angel drops the items on the bed next to Spike and then smiles at him wickedly. "*I* am about to teach my naughty little boy why it is *always* a bad idea to disobey his sire. When I say no arguing, I mean no arguing."
Spike's eyes grow comically wide and he whimpers. "I'm sorry, Sire."
Angel grabs him and flips him over onto his stomach. He laughs as he watches his childe's pale ass bouncing on the bed. "Not yet, Little One. But you will be."
The End