Rating: R - language
Pairing: Not yet
Summary: Sequel to "To Care". Angel's POV. You really must read the first to understand the second.
A/N 1. If you haven't read "To Care" you can find it here: http://www.angelfire.com/realm2/jtzidanic/ToCare.html
2. A sincere thank you to Mel who beta'd this piece for me.
Feedback: Please be honest but gentle.
E-mail: jtzidanic@webtv.net
Distribution: If you like it, take it.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Joss not me.
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~Part: 2~
Angel's POV
Pain.
I can feel it consuming me, spreading through every molecule of my body. Pain, like nothing I've felt before, not even in the 100 years I spent in Hell.
Fire.
Burning me alive. Feels like my blood has been replaced with Holy water. I can feel nothing but the liquid fire running through my veins. Why? Was I poisoned?
Poison.
Demon. We were fighting a demon. I tried to divert it before it could attack the others. Not strong enough. Couldn't stop it. Couldn't prevent it from pinning me to the ground and biting into my stomach.
Biting me.......POISONING ME!
Don't panic. Think. Have to try to think.
The others. Oh God, the others. Did they kill the demon? Did it hurt them? Do they need help? Have to get up. Have to help them.
Must get up. Find them. SHIT! Can't...can't move. Can't feel my body.
The pain is lessening. I think I've lost a lot of blood. Too much. It's not slowing. I'm not healing. Must be the poison. I'm getting lighter. Fading. I think I'm close to blacking out. I can feel it closing in on me. The darkness is calling me.
Maybe I should just let go. Let go of everything. Just stop.
Stop struggling with my soul, my guilt. Stop fighting for the redemption I'm not even sure I want any more. Stop regretting.
Yes. Let go. Let the darkness have me. So easy.
But, there's something.....something near. Something besides me and the darkness. It feels familiar. It pulls at something deep inside me. Pulls me away from the dark peace I want so badly. So close, I can almost sense...
*Snicker* "Who was suppose to be watching yours Hero?"
...him.
William. My sweet William. My beautiful Childe. My long ago lover. My biggest sin. My deepest regret.
And I do regret him. But not for the reasons my soul tells me I should. Not even for the reasons my friends think I do.
How could I? He's perfect. So perfect.
No, the things I regret happened after I got my soul, not before.
Abandoning him. Leaving him to take care of Dru on his own. To deal with Darla. Only the Powers That Be know how he survived that.
Turning my back on him. He was so excited when he killed his first Slayer. I know he did it for me. Wanted his Sire to be proud of him. And I was. I just couldn't bring myself to tell him.
Oh god, denying him. He came to Sunnydale looking for me. His beloved Sire. And I said "no". The pain I saw in his eyes nearly tore my soul from me.
Not helping him when the Initiative hurt him, crippled him. Those BASTARDS! Angelus came close to breaking free the day Giles called to tell me what they had done to my beautiful Childe.
But I did nothing.
And my biggest regret....the one that makes me feel as though my heart were being ripped from my chest. The reason I could walk into the sun and never look back.
Letting him think I believed he was beneath me.
Oh yeah. I am well aware of that part of his history. Of Cecily. Of his rejection and pain. I knew what that would do to him. How it would make him feel.
He did nothing to deserve it. Any of it.
How appropriate, for him to witness my pain and suffering in my final moments, as I witnessed his. To watch me die, as I once watched him.
If only he could bring himself to hold me in his arms, the way that I held him, so we could share this moment together.
But no, that's not what he needs. That's what I need. And this, the last of the time we will ever share together, is for him. I owe him that much.
No, wait. I owe him more. He needs to know the truth. He needs to know how proud I am of him. How much I love him. But most of all, I did not regret him. Not ever.
I can't leave him without telling him. Have to open my eyes. Have to move. Tell him. Must...
"Childe."
Too weak. Oh god, help me find the strength. Please...
"Sire."
He slices his wrist and places it to my mouth. As he returns to me the life I once gave him, I look into his face, into his eyes. And I see what I've been so desperately searching for.
To Hell with the Powers That Be. To Hell with the guilt. Here, in the Childe I tried so hard to forget, to deny. Here, I have found my redemption.
And there will be no more regret.
~ Fin ~