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“Hello?”
“Angel?”
“Willow? Is everything ok?” Willow didn’t call that often, preferring to email me. So when I received that fateful phone call, I worried.
“I’m…not sure,” she replied, hesitating.
“Willow, what is it?” Instinctively, I knew she was going to talk about Spike. “Is he ok?”
“You…knew this call was about Spike?” she asked, surprised.
“Yea,” I said. “Call it a feeling. Is he ok?”
“I don’t think so, Angel. He came by, and he was drunk, mumbling
about us, that he hated that we didn’t make you notice him, and that he
was tired of waiting for a
second chance to be with you.”
“Where did he go, Willow? Is he still there?” I knew I sounded
frantic. Spike had a reputation for doing stupid things when he was
drunk, and I wouldn't be able to
bear it if something happened to him. I hated the idea that he might
have done something because of me, because of my inability to deal with
my fears of loving him.
“No, he wouldn’t stay. He said he was going to a motel or something. But he didn’t say where.”
“Thanks, Will. I’ll call you when I find him.”
“Thank you, Angel.” I knew that my childe and Willow were close, and that she was concerned about him. “Tell him I’m here for him if he needs me.”
“I will.”
My thoughts drifted as I sped towards Sunnydale. I knew that I had to be there for him tonight. Both the soul and the demon were scared that if I wasn't…
…it would kill me to not have him in my life. If I found a pile of dust where my childe should be, I honestly don’t know what I would do.
Guilt started to plague me again and I knew that this must be what Spike felt like when I left. Not knowing…. Wondering if I were dead or alive…
There was no way I could go back to him. Not then. Not when
all my past misdeeds were blaring in my head in full color. After
my own sire pushed me away, I had
no idea how my own childe would take me.
At the time, I was sure he’d stake me for how weak I’d become.
But now, a century later, I knew that I was wrong in that belief.
He would have taken me in and helped me adjust. My childe loved me
that much. Even as Angelus, I
would have done the same for him. Our love was more important
than demons, or souls….
….shit. I could have been with Spike at any time, if I could have just opened up to him.
I pressed my foot to the gas, praying to a God that disowned my kind a long time ago. Praying that Spike could forgive me.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I pulled into the motel parking lot,
the last hour and a half of my drive lost in memories of William and Angelus,
my body and my soul
aching for that once again.
Tonight. I would know either way tonight, if my childe still loved me.
I could feel him; the bond we once shared still strong. He's confused
and hurt…. Angry. But the most intense feeling I got from my childe
was sadness. I’d never
known William, or Spike, for that matter, to be so sad. He’s
truly hurting.
I only hoped his sire could take the sadness away…. Give him the peace he deserves.
I wiped my tears away and headed for the motel room I knew he was in.
Slowly, I opened the door, and looked around it. He was sitting on
the edge of the bed, half
empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. There were no lights in
the room.
He hadn’t taken the time to close the heavy drapes and somehow, I didn’t
think he was planning on doing so. I walked in and softly shut the
door, immediately going
to the curtains. I pulled them shut with a swish.
He spoke before I could turn around to face him.
“I know you aren’t really here, Sire.”
“What makes you say that?” I asked curiously, turning around to look at him. He hadn’t moved from his spot, except to drink, or wipe the occasional tear away.
“Because you always come see me when I’m drunk. And then I wake
up alone.” His voice was filled with longing and sadness, breaking
my heart. I could feel the
tears wanting to fall again.
“William,” I said softly. “I’m really here this time.”
“No, you aren’t,” he denied. “But it doesn’t matter. I don’t plan on waking up tomorrow, so I don’t have to worry about it.”
He was going to do something stupid - I knew it! I closed my eyes
for a moment, opening them to find he was watching me with those intense
blue eyes. There was
enough light from the television to show me the look on his face.
“I’m scared, Angelus,” he whispered.
I went to him, kneeling beside the bed. “Why, William?”
“I’m scared of an eternity without you.”
I wrapped my arms around him. “William…”
He buried his face in my neck and I tensed, waiting for the bite that
I knew was coming. Seconds turned into minutes before I realized
he wasn't going to bite. He
was too busy crying.
I ran my hand in comforting circles on his back. He managed to
drop to his knees beside me, pushing his body as physically close to mine
as he could get. I
wrapped him in my large frame, trying my very best to pass as much
love as I could through our bond. I wanted to make sure he knew that
I do love him.
“I know you love her, but I hate Slutty,” he said softly.
I pulled away from him. “What? Why?” It was a strange feeling. I think it was the first time in a long time Buffy was mentioned and I didn’t ache inside.
That morning, I couldn’t have explained it.
Now I knew exactly why.
I had my mate in my arms, clutching at me like a life preserver. I knew he loved me and accepted me for everything that I am: Monster, demon, soul, everything.
I realized then that I wanted him in my life for eternity. I wasn't letting him go this time.
“Because,” he sniffed, looking away, “she’s such a bitch to me.
I mean, granted, I did bloody try to kill her, a lot, but damn it.
She could have *some* compassion for
the neutered vampire. I have saved her life, or the lives of
her friends at least once.”
I stroked his cheek. “She is the Slayer, William,” I said gently. “She doesn’t accept us. No matter what we do.”
“How could you have fallen in love with her?”
I shrugged. “I was so… I was starved for companionship. For normal human companionship. I didn’t want to be reminded of who I am. She helped me forget.”
“I did it for you. I stayed in the bloody Scooby Gang for you. I wanted you to love me again.”
“I do, my childe. I love you so very much.” I smiled as his eyes lit up at my words.
“I want to leave them. I don’t want to work with them anymore.”
“Then come back to LA with me,” I replied. “It won’t be easy,
but I’m willing to do it.” I stroked his cheek. “You don’t
have to lie to me, or pretend to be something
you aren’t. I know exactly who you are, William. After
all, I did teach you most of what you know.”
“You are giving me a way out? A way to bloody escape?”
“If that’s what you want.”
“I just want you, Angelus.”
I smiled at him.
“Come on, William, let’s sleep.”
“Will you be here when I wake up in the morning?”
“Yes.”
“Promise?”
“I do.” I stood up, pulling him up with me. I quietly undressed us both, and walked him to the bed. “Lay down.”
He lay on the bed, watching me from hooded blue eyes. He was tired,
the alcohol wearing off. Glancing around the room, making sure we wouldn’t
burst into flames
in the morning, I crawled into bed with him, pulling him into my arms.
He buried his face in my neck again. “I love you, Angelus,” he whispered against my skin.
“I love you, William.”
We slept in that position the whole night. I can honestly say that I haven’t slept so peacefully in over a century.
I finally have my William back.
//In the arms of an angel//
//fly away from here//
//from this dark cold hotel room//
//and the endlessness that you fear//
//you are pulled from the wreckage//
//of your silent reverie//
//you're in the arms of the angel//
//may you find some comfort there//