Feedback: I'll send more fic if I get feedback...is this blackmail? HELL YEAH!!!
Spoilers: Hmmm...all Seasons, just to be on the safe side...
Summary: Answer to Rousedower's Challenge...Buffy finds out about Angel getting his Shanshu and ISN'T impressed...
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: Stranger Things Forum, possibly the Holywater site, my own eventually when I get round to updating...
Disclaimer: Imagine a phone call, where I BEG Joss Whedon to give me the characters...see, NOT mine, never gonna be mine...why would Joss Whedon EVER take my phone call? Much less ever give me characters he's spent 6 years cultivating and...get my point? NOT MINE!
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~Part: 1~
"Are you alright, luv?" Asked Spike, coming down the steps into the courtyard.
"So, what happened?" Asked Cordelia, her eyes red, puffy. She'd been crying but would *never* admit that to the vampire sitting next to her.
"A demon, couple of weeks ago. Showed her more than she bargained for. Slayer said somethin' about Angel, we hotfooted it down here." Spike took a draw of his cigarette and shook his head. "On the way down, she told me the whole story...Angel turnin' human, keeping this from her...she's pretty pissed."
Cordelia, looking up at the stars, sighed, "I hate this. I don't hate *her*, I hate this." Then, looking over at Spike, she shook her head, "Never thought I'd be having a heart to heart with you..." She said honestly.
"Unrequited love, eh pet? Ain't nothing like it in the world." Said Spike, stubbing his cigarette out with his booted foot.
* * *
"You don't think that I would?" Asked Angel, glancing down at her as they trained.
"Would what?"
"Save you."
"Men folk are not always around to protect the women folk, you know? Besides, what if it turned out *you* were the guy I had to fight? Could happen."
Angel nodded, "Okay." He took his sword, raised it above his head and stood next to her, glancing down as she copied his movements. "When you put an adversary down, you wanna make sure he doesn't get up again. So, like I showed you..." They both moved through the exercise with ease as Angel continued talking, "Force the other guy to counter and he'll open himself up something like this. We'll go half speed until..."
Cordelia shook her head as Angel put his sword away, "No need, I got it. Three years of Varsity Cheer Squad, I only ever had to be shown a move once."
Angel couldn't hide the slight smirk, "You know, Cordelia, handling a lethal weapon is a *little* different from shaking a pom-pom."
"Ready! O-kay!" She went at Angel with the sword full-speed, ending with him up against the wall, the sword inches away from his throat.
"Easy - ha, ha - Go team..."
Cordelia chuckled as she pulled away, "You were saying?" She turned, putting the sword down and went to walk away from Angel when he tackled her to the floor, landing on top of her and pinning her arms above her head, "You should NEVER turn your back on your opponent..." He said, a mischevious glint dancing in his eyes.
Cordelia laughed and looked up at him, "Yeah, yeah...but it's YOU...I know you'd never hurt me."
Raising his eyebrows, Angel met her eyes, "Are you *sure* about that?"
"Very sure."
"How sure?"
"Very sure."
"Sure?"
"Angel!" Laughed Cordelia, "You're such a dork! Let me up!"
"Not a chance." He kept his grip on her hands tight, but not enough to hurt and gently began to tickle her sides. "Angel! No...no!" She laughed, "Don't!"
Angel grinned, "I'd never hurt you, huh?"
"Okay, okay! I take it back, you would, you would...agh...ANGEL!" She yelped, giggling.
When he stopped, Angel's 'tickling' hand, came up to gently stroke her hair. "Hey." He said softly.
"Hey."
"You okay?"
Cordelia smiled, "Fine. Why are you acting weird?"
"Weird?"
"Weird."
"How am I acting weird?"
Cordelia smiled, "Just are." She stared up at him and grinned, "Y'know, if this was the movies, we'd be kissing right now..."
Angel bent forward...and a voice spoke, "Thankfully, this ISN'T the movies though, right?" The voice was cold, hard. Belonged to a certain blonde slayer who would remain nameless...for Cordelia anyway.
"Buffy? What's wrong? Is everything alright?" Angel pulled Cordelia to her feet, a pensive look on his face.
"Maybe YOU can tell me..." Said Buffy coolly.
Suddenly, Cordelia felt very uncomfortable. "Look, I gotta...y'know...go..." She pushed past Buffy and ran up the stairs, into the Lobby where Spike stood awkwardly. "Bloody 'ell, I thought you were Angel...come to stake me for touchin' his Buffy..." Spike stopped, "Cordelia?"
"Not now." She shook her head, her breathing a little laboured and went out into the courtyard, sitting down on the bench and finally bursting into tears.
* * *
"I can't believe you didn't tell me." Said Buffy, shaking her head, "You didn't even have the decency to tell me..."
"I thought it was what was right."
"You made this decision ALONE!" Said Buffy, "How was it right, huh? Tell me."
"How could we be together if..."
"The cost was my life or the lives of others, save it Angel, I heard it!" She said, frowning. "Only, I didn't know I'd heard it. Was it because of *her*?"
"Who?"
"Don't play the dumbass, you KNOW who I'm talking about. Cordelia!" Spat Buffy.
Angel's eyes narrowed, "Don't bring her into this." He said, coldly, "She has nothing to do with this, NOTHING."
"Angel, I'm not stupid and I know you, you're..."
"No, you don't, Buffy." Said Angel, softly, "You don't know me anymore, or Cordelia. What I did, I did because it was right, no matter how you want to dissect it, or pull it apart. I didn't want you to die."
"And yet I did anyway." Said Buffy, shaking her head.
"Why are you here?" Asked Angel, "It doesn't make a difference anyway, what happened, happened for a REASON. Nothing else."
Buffy sighed, "You shouldn't have had to deal with it alone."
"But I did..." Said Angel, "We're fine. We're both fine."
* * * * * *
"You really do, don't you?" Asked Spike.
"Do what?" Cordelia's gaze slid guiltily away from the blonde vampire, "Do what?"
"Love the pouf..."
"No."
"You do."
"I don't."
"You bloody well do...unfortunately, some vampires are blind as well as downright bloody stupid." He said, shaking his head.
"Talking about yourself there, Spike?" Asked Cordelia, dryly, not wanting to talk about this.
"Sarcasm's the lowest form of defense, luv..."
"I thought it was the lowest form of *wit*..."
"Same difference. You ever told Angel how you feel?"
"Duh...NO! Never gonna happen...listen..." Cordelia stood, "Tell Angel I...I dunno, tell him what you like but DON'T tell him about what we talked about here. I'm going home. I need a...shower." She lied.
"Smell alright to me..."
"You're dead...XANDER probably smells alright to you."
Spike chuckled at this, "Want me to walk you home, luv?"
"Please, I can do without the pale, undead and creepy escorting me to my door." Said Cordelia, shaking her head. "Spike?"
"What?"
"What did she do to you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you *were* a blood-sucking fiend...what makes you love her?" Asked Cordelia quietly.
"She's Buffy."
Cordelia sighed, "That's my problem."
"What is?"
"I'm *not*..."
~Part: 2~
"So, are we going home then?" Spike looked at Buffy, shifting uncomfortably from the glares he was receiving from Angel.
"Yeah," Said Buffy, "We're going home." Reaching up, she wrapped her arms around Angel, hugging him. "See you soon, I guess. Next crisis?" She smiled.
Angel laughed, still watching Spike, "And you..." He started.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. Hurt her and I'll stake you good and proper, change the record mate."
"How do you put up with him?" Asked Angel, looking at Buffy.
"Patience...and that tiny ability that lets me kick his ass whenever I please." She grinned. "Where's Cordelia? I kinda...wanted to say bye to her too..."
Angel frowned, "I...I dunno...Spike?"
"Oh, she went home...said she wanted a bath..." Spike didn't feel comfortable lying to his Sire but did it none-the-less. He and Buffy turned to leave, Angel watching, when Spike turned back, "She was a bit upset...might wanna go talk to her."
Angel nodded, "Thanks for the warning."
* * * * * * * * * *
"Cordelia!" Angel hammered on the door, the smell of blood making him retch. He pushed at the door, trying to get the deadbolt open, yelling his Seer's name.
"Cordelia!" Dennis, ever the dutiful ghost, accepting a small nod from Cordelia as her agreeing to let Angel in, opened the deadbolt, pulling the door back. Angel gasped, his Seer sat on her couch, her clothes bloody and torn, the glass table in the middle of the room, smashed into little pieces. "Cordelia?" He went and sat on the couch next to her. "What happened?" He asked. He didn't need an answer. She couldn't lift her head, a vision.
"That'll teach me to have a glass table." She whispered. When he reached out, she jerked away from him. "Angel...I can't...I can't do this, not right now. I know you're going." She said quietly, "That's...that's why I didn't call you. I have to learn to fend for myself." Her voice was broken, her face hidden by her hair.
"Going? Going where?"
"With Buffy. It's okay..." She said softly, "You don't have to explain...I know that you love her and...you have the big, whole...forbidden, soulmate thing but...I'm happy for you guys, really I am." Cordelia tried to smile, but couldn't lift her head to do it so what was the point?
"Cordelia, I...lets get you cleaned up." He said softly. Reaching over, he went to lift her into his arms and she winced, "It hurts."
"I know." Said Angel, gently, "I'll stop it hurting, I promise."
"You always do." Said Cordelia, sadly.
Angel stared at her for a second, his heart twisting in his chest. "Stay here." He said softly.
"Not going anywhere."
Angel went into her bathroom, pulling the first aid kit down from the shelf, bandages, everything he needed to make her well again on the outside. He wasn't sure he had what it would take to make her well on the inside again. When he got back, her shirt was soakened with tears, a blanket huddled round her shoulders. "It's okay." He said softly, watching her shaking form, "Can you lift your head?"
Slowly, she raised her head from resting her chin on her chest, "I'm okay."
Angel sucked in unneeded oxygen, "You're not okay, Cordelia. You need a hospital."
"No...no hospitals." She said quietly. Angel stared. Her face was all cut down the left side, her entire body embedded with shards of glass.
"Cordelia...this is going to hurt..." He said, trying to make her understand.
"Can't feel much anyway...one good thing about the visions." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Cordelia regretted them. Angel looked so sad. ~Deal with it, Broody Boy...you're leaving me with these.~ She thought to herself, trying to shake her head but to no avail.
"Why didn't you call me?" He asked.
"I called Wes...told him about the vision...told him you were busy...I don't want you thinking you have to stick around because of these." God, the words hurt even more than the wounds.
"Cordy...I'll have to..." She looked up at him, he was gesturing to her clothes.
"Oh." She said softly, "It's okay, I've seen you semi-naked." She attempted a joke, a smile. One that made Angel sad, she was in pain, and she was still trying to crack jokes, make him feel better.
Gently, he peeled the clothes from her body, wincing when she did, "I'm sorry." He whispered, watching as she closed her eyes. She shook her head, biting her lip. Fresh blood filled Angel's senses, she'd bitten through her lip. Only when her clothes had been removed and Cordelia sat there in her underwear, did Angel meet her eyes, "Are you alright?"
Cordelia nodded. "Fine." She lied.
"You're NOT fine!" Yelled Angel. Cordelia jumped, looking up and wincing as her body jerked. "I'm sorry..." She whispered, "I didn't..."
Angel sighed, every time she had a vision, she at least let him comfort her. But now...
"Cordelia," His voice was soft as he gently began dabbing at her wounds. She hissed, painfully, wincing as the antiseptic came in contact with the cuts. He looked up at her, caressing her other cheek, "Are you sure you don't want to go to a hospital?"
"Sure." Cordelia closed her eyes, staying in silence as he bathed her wounds. When he'd got rid of the antiseptic and the gauze, he sat down next to her, "Feels different...my taking care of you." He said softly.
"You always *do* take care of me. It's just not usually me with the battle scar thing."
Angel leaned forward, taking her hands in his, which Cordelia promptly pulled away. "Don't."
"Don't?"
"Don't. I know what you're going to say. Thanks for all the things you've done for me, everything you've helped me with, every little vision. Thanks for being there, you've been a great friend, yadda, yadda, yadda...but...I'm going where I belong, with her, back to Sunnyhell, sure, I'll write. Bye Cordelia. See you next...oh, never."
Angel looked at her, "You really think that?"
"No." She said quietly, "I know that. I know that and I'm trying not to be bothered by it. I always knew it would happen...I just..."
"What?" He prompted.
"I never thought I'd fall in love with you. I never thought I'd make this difficult on myself."
Angel gasped, to which Cordelia shook her head, "I'm *not* asking you to stay. I'm not telling you this because I think it's a good guilt trip, make Angel think I love him, then he stays, 'cause that's the type of guy he is." She couldn't even meet his eyes, "Good luck, Angel." She whispered, "I really do mean that. I hope that you and Buffy are happy together, I really do."
She stood, slowly, getting off the couch. "I'm going to bed...if you wanna crash...the sofa's all yours...you might end up sharing it with Phantom Dennis but...it's there."
"Cordelia?" Said Angel, gently, "Why do you think I'm going back to her?"
Cordelia sighed and sort of gave a...half smile, "Because."
"Why?"
"Because she's Buffy." She whispered.
"And your point being?"
"I'm not." She said softly, tears sliding down her cheeks. "I'm not Buffy. I never will be Buffy...I'll never be what you want."
Angel looked at her sadly, "And you're sure of that?" He asked, "Why can't I love you for you?"
"You tell me, Angel." She whispered, "Why can't you?"
Turning, she went into her bedroom. "I guess I'll see you round sometime, huh?" She asked sadly as she heard the front door slam. Cordelia burst into tears.
~Part: 3~
Cordelia sat on the sofa, a million Kleenex tissues balled at her feet. She'd yelled at him, she'd cried at him, she'd said she hated him then said she loved him all over again - only he wasn't there to actually HEAR any of it. Her entire body hurt, she hadn't cleaned up the glass from the table yet and her head was throbbing like hell.
The phone rang and Cordelia looked at it for a while, until Dennis picked it up and held it to her ear, "Angel?" The hope in her voice was enough to make Dennis cringe.
"Cordelia, it's Wesley...are you *sure* you saw those demons outside of the Hotel Inn?" He asked.
Cordelia sighed, "Yeah...they were there alright." She said, softly.
"Is everything alright?" Asked Wesley, "You sound a bit...glum..."
Cordelia had to smile at his choice of words, "No, Wes, I'm fine." She said softly, ending the call.
"That's your answer for everything, isn't it?"
Cordelia jumped, almost leaping off the couch. "I didn't know you were here." She said, looking at Angel. Then, her face fell, in his hand, he held a duffel bag. "Oh..." She said quietly. "Well, Brownie Points to you for coming to tell me you were leaving." She whispered.
Angel shook his head, ignoring her comment. "Did you mean what you said?" He asked.
"About what?"
"Loving me."
"Do you really need to ask?"
"Answer the question."
"Angel, stop making this harder on yourself. Just go!" Said Cordelia, shaking her head, "I finally got you out of the brooding stage, I don't want you back in it." Two hours had passed since Angel had left, time enough for Angel to stew over what had been said, for Cordelia to *cry* over what had been said.
"You really think I'm going back to Buffy."
"Duh, yes." Said Cordelia, shaking her head.
"Even if I did want her back, she's with Spike now..."
"And that would SO never be the winning argument in a situation like this." She said, her eyes flashing angrily. "So, what, are you here because you're SETTLING for me?"
"I'm not settling for anything." Said Angel, shaking his head.
"No, that's right - 'cause your bag's packed and you're leaving." Shrugged Cordelia, "Fine, go."
"I'm not leaving."
"Why?" She asked, "Look, I've told you, I'm fine..."
"STOP SAYING YOU'RE FINE!" He growled, angrily, "I'm sick and tired of hearing you say that! You're NOT fine!"
"Okay then!" Yelled Cordelia, "I'M NOT FINE!" She glared at him, "I'm not fine. These stupid, sucky, horrible visions that I keep having are wearing me down just that little bit more. Buffy the Super Slayer shows up and you run right back to Sunnyhell with her and...I'm losing you!"
"You're not losing me!"
"No, so why are you leaving? Why did you LEAVE?" She asked.
"Because!"
"Because?"
"Yeah, because."
"Angel, that's NOT an answer." Said Cordelia, shaking her head.
"Oh, as opposed to I'm fine which is?"
Cordelia frowned, "Angel, leave me alone. You didn't want me earlier, you don't want me now. Don't pretend like you do."
"How do you know that?"
"Because."
"You just reprimanded me for that answer, you can't get away with it..." He chastised.
"Because I'm not her. Because I'm not blonde, and super strength kitted out - I can't kill things with my bare hands and I can't BE her. That's why you don't want me."
"And what if I said I wanted you for you?"
"I'd say you're lying..."
"Why?"
"Because it's so obvious that you don't! What do I have to give you that she can't?"
"You."
"Stop it."
"You."
"I said stop it!"
"Cordy."
"Angel."
"You want to know why I *don't* love Buffy like that anymore?" He asked, "Because she's not YOU. Becasue she can't be YOU!"
"What, you think you can rectify this with a few well spoken words and everythings gonna be alright again? Keep dreaming, Angel."
"Y'know, you're right...you're not the person I love."
Cordelia gasped and glared at him, "Like I didn't already know that! Newsflash, Angel, I knew before YOU did..."
"The person I love would KNOW I loved her. The person I love would KNOW I loved her for her and nothing else. I didn't love Buffy because of the damned slayer strength or anything, I loved her for the person she was. And damnit, I love you for the same reason." He growled.
Cordelia sighed and sat down, putting her head in her hands, "When did this get so complicated?" She asked quietly.
"What?"
"Us."
Angel sat down next to her, "I'm not leaving."
"You are."
"I'm not."
"Are. Angel, that's the way it's supposed to happen. You're supposed to be happy with Buffy. You don't love me."
"Do."
"Don't."
"I do."
"Don't."
Kneeling in front of her, Angel placed his palm on the right side of her face, "Cordelia. I love you. I don't know how many other ways you want me to say it or show it, but I do." He said softly.
Cordelia pulled back, wincing, "I can't." She whispered.
"Can't what?"
"I can't...do this...I really can't, I'm sorry. I'm just...it's not right..."
"Why?" He asked, close to despair.
"Because you love her." She said again, "Damnit, Angel, your bag's PACKED!"
Angel shook his head and crossed over the room, turning the duffel bag on its end, "Wrong. It's empty. I want you to come stay with me for a few days." He said quietly, "I won't let you stay alone, not after a vision like that."
"Angel, I'm fine."
"Don't lie to me, Cordelia."
"Why not?" She asked, sombrely, "You do enough of that for the both of us..."
~Part: 4~
"I don't get why you brought me here, I'm fine." Said Cordelia, breaking the silence in the car on the way over to the Hyperion. Neither friend had spoke to the other on their journey and to Cordelia, the silence had never seemed so loud.
Angel scowled, "Yeah, you're fine." He said, pulling into the underground garage and shaking his head. They walked into the hotel in silence, Angel taking her gently by the arm and leading her upstairs to the room she usually stayed in, right next to his. He placed her bag of clothes down on the floor and sat on the old wicker chair in the corner, gesturing for her to sit down on the bed, "Cordelia..." When he spoke, his voice was soft. Cordelia sat, looking at him as he continued, "Can I ask you something?"
As requests went, this one was pretty simple. "Sure." She said softly.
"Why won't you let me in?"
Her gaze slid to the floor, "I... I dunno what you mean..."
Getting up off the chair, Angel kneeled down in front of her, "Cordelia, look at me?"
Her gaze met his and when he looked at her, he saw she had tears in her eyes, "Angel, I... I can't let you in."
"Why?" He asked gently, his own heart twisting in his chest.
"Because... I'm scared. I know that what you want is Buffy and I can't compete with that." She whispered. "I'm still the same girl from Sunnydale and unfortunately, so is she."
Angel shook his head, "You can't see you've changed?"
"Have I?"
"Do you really need to ask? Cordelia, when I first met you..." Angel smiled, "I survived Queen C, how many guys can say that?" He asked gently, reaching up and brushing a strand of dark hair away from her face, "You've seen me at my worst, and your friendship has never faltered, never wavered. You stuck around when other people gave up. You've always been there for me."
"Yeah, well... We're friends." She said softly, "That's what friends are for."
"It's not just that though." Said Angel softly, "The things you do for me, it goes past friendship. Fred knows, Wesley knows, Gunn knows... You told me yourself you loved me."
"And I do." Said Cordelia quietly, "I'm *in* love with you. I'm just not willing to lose you."
"But..." Angel shook his head, "Cordelia, you're adamant you *are* going to lose me."
Cordelia nodded and sighed, "I am." She said, her voice hushed to a whisper, "I am because... Look at my past history in relationships. E-everyone I love either hurts me... Or leaves. Or I have to leave them at one point or another."
Angel shook his head, "Cordy..."
She smiled, "That's the first time you've called me that tonight, what are we on, sensible kick? I usually only get my full name if you're in brood mode."
"Not in brood mode."
"Wow."
"I'm in Lurve Mode." He grinned.
"Dork." The mood had changed back to happy teasing, which Cordelia was comfortable with.
"Yup. But a lovable dork." Said Angel.
"Yup." She nodded, "Agreed."
"Cordelia?"
"Uh-huh..."
"You asked me something, earlier...."
"Which was..."
"When did things get so complicated between us?"
Cordelia nodded, "Yeah..."
"I think I know."
"Oh..."
"In Pylea. When you said you loved Groo, I was kinda..." Angel faltered, making Cordelia smile.
"Jealous?"
"No..."
"Jealous!" She grinned.
"No!"
"Angel?" She shook her finger at him, admonishingly.
"Okay, I was jealous. That was when things got... Complicated."
Cordelia nodded, "Know when it was for me?" She asked gently, continuing even without seeing his nod. "When you went through your... Beige Period." She whispered, "I knew then that... I loved you and... You, you..."
Angel looked at her and sighed, "And I hurt you... That's where this comes from too, isn't it?" He asked.
"A little." She admitted. "But, you came back to me..."
"I always will, Cordy."
When Angel looked up at her, there was a trace of hurt in her eyes, one she tried to mask but didn't do very well. "Cordy?"
"What?"
"What's wrong?"
Cordelia sighed, "I'm starting to believe you."
"And that's bad because...?"
"Because, if I believe you... Again..." Cordelia sighed, "I believed you." She said quietly, "I believed you when you said you'd always be there for me the first time... And, you hurt me. You left and... I didn't know what to do anymore. I know that I... Maybe I... My point is, if I let you in again, and you hurt me... I'm not sure how it would feel, now that I know I... well, y'know..."
This time, Angel sighed, "I can't promise that throughout the course of my life, I'll never do anything to hurt you." He said softly, "But I can promise you that I'll do everything in my power to make you happy."
"You already do that." She said gently. "Jumping into other dimensions and stuff... Freeing bad guys." She frowned slightly.
"I've told you before. It's not about winning, it's about what's at stake. And you were more important than Billy... Or whatever else had come out of there."
"You really don't give up, do you?"
"Duh." Said Angel, a grin on his face. "Where you're concerned, I won't ever give up... So you'd better get used to having me around..."
"Oh, darn..." Said Cordelia softly, looking down at him where he kneeled in front of her. "Like, I'm not already used to that?"
Angel shook his head, "Nope, you're used to Brood Boy Angel. The Angel I'm talking about is..."
"The one I love?" Cordelia looked at him, "I'm not saying I like you brooding but... It is part of who you are. And besides, maybe even Dork Angel will get too much for me..."
A silly grin passed across Angel's face and he raised his eyebrows, "Really?"
Leaning down to kiss him, Cordelia giggled, "Naaahhhh..."
THE END...