Changing The Past

Author: Angelicgal82

Category: Time-travel, BtVS 2

Email: mail@cbaird82.freeserve.co.uk

Summary: Challenge response (Karura's challenge). Cordelia watches from her spot as a Higher Being as Angel inadvertantly kills Connor. Trying to go back in time to change the past proves harder than it's worth, when Cordelia finds herself stuck in Sunnydale High School with a mind that wants to be in the future. Set BTVS Season 2.

Spoilers: Everything in BTVS from Season 1-3 and everything in Angel, seasons 1-3.

Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.

Distribution: E-mail me and ask, please.

Feedback: 'Tis the thing I crave!

Dedication: To Karura over at ST for setting this wonderful challenge.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 

~Part: 1~

He's practiced what he wants to say a hundred times already. Told her he loves her a hundred different ways and there are still two things wrong with this scenario.

One, she's not here yet - which sort of works against him.

Two - everything he says or thinks he'll say feels wrong. Will talking about what Buffy meant to him cheapen his feelings for Cordelia? Is it better to expect the worst, rather than hope? What if he can't say it? He wants to tell her... But what if he can't?

Of course one is directly linked with two - because he can't tell her anything if she's not here and... It's so nice up here. Cordelia loves it here, so that makes it different for Angel. Not someplace he fought a Kravlock demon a few months ago, the fact that she loves it makes it something different... Something, beautiful.

Looking down, Angel checks his watch again. Cordelia's never late. Well, not usually - unless it's work-related. But this isn't. Sighing, he fishes his keys from his pocket and turns.

"Connor?" Something's wrong. Something's happened and Angel doesn't know what, but by the look on Connor's face, it's bad.

"Dad."

"What are you doing here?"

He smiles and suddenly, Angel feels more uneasy than he has in a long time.

"We're family," Replies Connor, "And I wanna show you how I feel about that." With a move that both stuns and impresses Angel, Connor launches towards him, knocking them both backwards and making them stumble, close to the cliff's edge.

"What the hell's going on?" She only checked in on him for five minutes. Only wanted to see... Make sure he was... Oh God...

"Connor, talk to me." Angel grabs Connor from behind, arms locked firmly behind his head. Something must have happened, Connor just wouldn't attack like this. Not like this...

He waits a moment, before sighing and relaxing slightly in his father's grip.

Angel backs off as Connor turns to look at him, a dark, haunted look in his son’s eyes. "Connor? What happened?"

If ever the Powers That Be were cruel, they were now... They show her, seconds before it occurs, what's going to happen and Cordelia can do nothing but watch.

"You." Sneers Connor coldly, "You happened. You happened and you took everything away from him. It wasn't enough to take his children, was it Angelus? You took his life..."

"His life?" And even as Connor lunges towards him, stake in one hand, retrieved from his back pocket, Angel's not expecting the blow. It hits... It hits and Angel roars in pain, the stake missing his heart by barely an inch. "Connor, stop..."

"Did you? He *gave* me up. He told you that I was yours, that you had me. That what I wanted was you, what I deserved was you and that wasn't enough for you. You killed him..." Connor lunges for Angel again, sending them tumbling from the cliff.

"Walk in his world, learn all you can. Discover what of him is in you that you might fight against it. But be on your guard. Remember what I've taught you. The devil will show you bright things, many colours."

A private moment shared between father and son, one Cordelia can see plain as day. They're showing her, but to let her stop - that would be wrong and she feels that. Feels that even as tears run the length of her cheeks... After tonight there'll be no more fighting, no more anything, not for Angel. There'll be darkness, there'll be grief.

He had a son...

There's nothing worse than silence. When the waves are crashing around you and you know there should be sound, there's nothing worse than silence - especially from the place you expect and want it most.

For as long as Angel can remember, the sound of a heartbeat has been comforting. The warmth, though small, that Connor's body brought when it was cradled next to his...

And his fingers, covered in blood. Crouching next to his son, impaled on a sharp piece of rock that juts out from the sandy shores of Point Dume... Breath slipping away from him, he meets Angel's eyes and whispers three words that make the vampire’s body bow and fall.

It's not love he whispers sentiments of...

Only hate...

* * *

"What the hell did you do to him?!" The door crashes open and knocks Skip's Matrix figures to the floor, causing the demon to jump up, startled.

"Hey! Hey! Watch the merchandise!"

"Why?"

"Because they're collector's items!" Skip rolls his eyes, even an untrained eye can see that.

"Not that!" She retorts, hotly, "THIS! WHY?!"

He's never seen her quite this pissed before. At least, not to his recollection. Never seen her eyes so dark.

"Why what, Cordelia?"

"You took me away from him and you let... You let... Did you know that was going to happen?"

"Know what?"

"Connor!" She yells, "He killed Connor. He killed..." Her voice goes quiet then and Skip stops to watch her. Well, okay, he's more worried about his figures of Trinity and Morpheus but he's worried about her too.

"Cordelia, you don't belong there any longer. Angel will bounce back, he always does."

"Bounce back? He killed his son and lost his friend all in one night, how the hell can he bounce back? You have to change it... I know you can..."

"It's not as simple as that, Cordelia. You can't change this, it's not the kind of thing..."

"Listen to me, Skip." Said Cordelia, firmly. "Listen to me and make sure you understand. Over the past few months I've watched Angel lose and regain everything only to have it all taken away again in one night. I have to do something, I can't just... I can't just not."

Skip sighed, "Not the kinda demon that does things by the book, are ya?"

"Half-demon," She amended, "Now send me back."

* * *

She should know by now. She should have realised that when the Powers are being nice, that when 'fate' (if there is such a thing) takes a turn for the kinda good, or the happy, there'll be a price attached to it.

It happened when Angel was turned human. That one day when he was allowed to be with Buffy and there was a price - one he had to pay, ironically... Coming wars, apocalypses - he'd have to face them. Vamped. Not-human. Not-happy, or so she'd thought.

He'd fought back like he'd always done. Put just that little more effort into his punches... Then Doyle had died... What followed was months of heartache and bouncing back, same old story over the past three years she'd worked with Angel. Get burned, pull yourself back, put yourself a little straighter.

And now...

Okay now, she was experiencing stuff that - well, weird? Didn't even cover it.

First of all, she was in Sunnydale. How did she know? Well, you didn't suddenly find yourself in a closet at work - unless your life had taken a turn for the seriously weird and you were kissing your boss.

Oh, she knew exactly where she was. In a closet, with Xander.

"Is it just me or is your mind not entirely on the lips at hand?"

And Cordelia was gaping at him, mouth opened, eyes wide and blinking in the light of the closet.

"Xander?!" She whispered.

Looking down, Xander patted his shirt, "Yup, that'd be me. Unless I happened to change in the last five minutes and- Wait a minute, is this you being all repressive?"

"Is that even a word?" She snapped.

"Yep," Said Xander, "Same old Cordy."

Blinking again, Cordelia looked at him, "Same old Cordy?"

He was wrong, so very very wrong...

* * *

"And you say you're from the future?"

It was nice for Cordelia to know that some things had never changed, in all the time she... Hadn't been away. Giles, still as stuffy as ever, cleaning his glasses and asking questions. She'd come here after assuring Xander that yes, she was fine

"I-I didn't want to tell the guys about this because - well, I think I'm crazy, never mind anyone else." Said the brunette, shaking her head.

"Understandable." Said Giles, then, "Are you quite SURE you didn't receive a bump to the head?"

"Yes! I'm sure, God, Giles - do you honestly think I'd make something like this up?"

"N-no, but..."

"Ask me something? Not too... Well, personal. But just ask me something."

"Cordelia, we shoul-"

"Okay. In one year from now, Buffy's going to have some big slayer 18th birthday test thing called... The uh... Damn... The Crucial Mental?"

Giles started slightly, eyebrows shooting upwards, "The Cruciamentum?"

"That's it!" Said Cordelia, "Not to give too much away, but she'll be having one of those."

Giles gaped at her, shaking his head. "W-well there could be an explanation. My Watcher's diaries..."

"The ones you keep locked away?"

"The very same." He nodded, shaking his head.

Cordelia frowned, "Look, I get that being careful is all very well and good but... Can we get back to the task at hand here? I'm... I'm my old-self again! And my old-self? Not that nice a place to be! I need to get to Angel!"

"You need to get to Angel? Why? Is he hurt?"

Turning, Cordelia looked at Buffy. "No, Angel's... Angel. He's... Fine." It was more amounts of weird than she could handle, seeing Buffy standing in front of her, knowing that she'd died and knowing what was to come with Angel was... Well, bad. "Look, I gotta go..." Grabbing her purse, Cordelia walked out of the library and away from Buffy and Giles, tears welling up in her eyes.

Heels clacking on the floor, Cordelia swiped furiously at her tears, until a hand on her arm stopped her.

"Cordelia? Are you all right?" Asked Giles, tentatively.

"Do I LOOK all right?" She snapped, "Everything's different. Buffy's all doe-eyed over the guy that I'm in love with, the world switched on me and I don't know how to switch it back."

"You're in love with Angel?" The surprise in his voice was evident. If Cordelia loved Angel, did he love her? And what exactly were the implications for Angel loving someone else - when he seemed so in love with his slayer.

"Yeah, I'm in love with Angel." She frowned, "So?"

"Cordelia, whatever happened in your past, must stay that way. If you do something to jeopardise the future, everything will change..."

"So what, you're telling me to stick this out? Re-live my high school days and watch as everything I know I can change just... Happens? No matter how bad it is?"

"Yes." Said Giles, firmly, "That's exactly what I'm telling you. If you were brought here from the future or from another dimension, then you were brought here for a reason, changing the past now would not only bring harm to you but all those around you."

But that's just it, thought Cordelia sadly as she looked up at Giles. The whole reason I was sent back was to change the past... And if I don't...

"Cordelia, are you listening to me?" Asked Giles darkly, "You mustn't do anything to change the course of what happens. Do you understand?"

The urgency underlying his voice scared Cordelia, if she changed the past then... She might never have Angel. But if she changed the past, he'd have Buffy, they could still be together.

"I understand." Said Cordelia quietly, taking her arm from Giles' grasp. "You don't have to worry..."

"It's not about winning, Cordelia, it's about what's at stake. And in this particular scenario you were way more important than winning... I did what I had to do. I'll just deal with the consequences when they happen."

It had never been about winning. When she realised that she loved Angel, Cordelia knew that it wasn't about Buffy any more, not like it had been back in high school - it was about her, and Angel. It was about being happy.

Right now, this - whatever Skip had sent her back to - was about Angel being happy. It was about doing what was right, what she had to.

Angel was more important than winning, she'd just deal with the consequences when they happened...

~Part: 2~

The only way she could describe it was... Lead. Feeling like she was filled with lead. Her limbs felt heavy, her heart even heavier and her head couldn't make sense of the fact that she was really considering doing this.

The worst thing? She could still remember the look on his face, in his eyes. Those three words that Connor had whispered were enough to make Angel fall to his knees. The Angel she knew and loved was in another dimension somewhere, grieving for his son.

Grieving for a son that hated him.

In this dimension, Cordelia had the perfect opportunity to take away his pain… And open herself up to a world of her own.

It was easy enough, all she had to do was pick a point in time to change everything, and already, Cordelia knew what that point was.

Angelus.

If she thought about it logically, Buffy and Angel's relationship had fallen into rack and ruin right about the time Angel had gone psycho and started killing their friends. Well, duh, that was enough to drive anyone to the brink of madness and back again.

There were so many questions that needed answered. Did she still have the visions? Her demon-powers? What would happen to her if she did change the past? Her future would be so uncertain...

In a way, that was a good thing. She'd never known what was in store for her before and she'd survived, hadn't she? Ok, barely, but she'd survived.

Pulling her jacket closer around her shoulders, Cordelia felt the wind shift behind her, her blood running cold.

"I know it feels strange, but if an attacker comes at you from behind, you wanna be able to shift all your weight immediately to your other foot so you can spin and kick..."

Putting Angel's advice to good use, Cordelia spun. Her foot lashed out with her assailant, sending him to the ground. "Ok, why the hell are you following m- Angel?!"

She'd never been so pleased - or mortified - to see someone, than she was to see him right now. "Oh my God, I thought you were going to attack me! You're supposed to make noise when you walk, remember?"

Rubbing his chin, Angel got to his feet. When did Cordelia learn to kick like that? "Buffy tells me that too."

Buffy. Of course. Because she was back in Sunnydale and she'd never told him that... LA and their entire friendship had never happened.

"Yeah." Said Cordelia quietly, her gaze flitting down and away from Angel. "Did you want something?"

"You looked... Upset." Angel replied, curtly. It reminded Cordelia of how far he'd come since his Sunnydale-Brood-A-Lot days. Of course then, he probably wasn't scared that she was going to leap on him, like she'd done so many times back here, now... "I thought..."

Does he know? Her heart lifted momentarily and Cordelia's gaze moved upwards, "You thought... What?"

"I thought... Well, you looked upset."

She can remember a thousand times when Angel's told her that she can tell him anything, that they're friends and nothing, no problem, is ever going to be too big or small. It doesn't apply here; the friendship that Cordelia valued more than anything doesn't even exist. To anyone but herself, she's just Cordelia Chase, Queen of Mean - not the actual thing that made her important, not vision-gal, not champion or even half-demon seer. Angel's friend...

She can't call herself that any more and it hurts.

"I did something today," Whispered Cordelia, "And I know that it's for the best but... It hurts. It feels like I've just screwed up everything I thought was real."

For a moment, Angel just stood there, not speaking, just watching her. It was the first time that he'd seen any real depth of emotion from her, anything past bitchiness or faux-sweetness to get what she wanted. "I-I..." He was just not good with the comforting thing. "I've lived a long time, Cordelia. I've seen a lot of different things and a lot of different people struggling to make the best of what they've got. You'll be ok."

Tears welled up in her eyes, making Angel feel instantly guilty. He wasn't good with the people stuff, he hadn't been since he was human, and even then, his social skills had been sketchy at best, unless he was downing ale with a friend. "I'm sorry." He apologised, "I don't usually..."

"Talk to people," Finished Cordelia, sadly, "Right, because... Because you've got two modes with people. Bite and avoid. And that's... Hard to shift." The tears didn't fall, though she thought they would. Instead, Cordelia gathered up the courage to say the words she'd never said, but had thought she always would get the chance to, "Thank you."

Heart pounding in her chest, Cordelia walked away. That wasn't her friend, that was someone else, someone different - someone who had no idea of what he'd have to go through, simply to be the man she knew and loved.

Someone who'd never know the kind of pain that she was feeling right now, because she was going to do what was right, what felt like the right thing, regardless of the consequences...

She'd done what she was supposed to, she'd said goodbye.

* * *

Chiffon, black, silk... Laura Ashley, Neiman Marcus... A closet filled with clothes and shoes in different styles and colours from the very best in designers and for the first time in her 20 years of life, Cordelia Chase hated it all. There'd been times back in LA when she'd wished for the comfort of her old home, the simplicity of it all - no visions, no missions, just money, lots and lots of money... And no demon goo.

Right now, Cordelia would have given up 18 years of having money, 18 years of living in the very lap of luxury, just to go back there. Just to take back the visions and the demon goo and the family that she loved and craved right now.

Fred... She was probably stuck in Pylea, right now... Or about to be sucked into it. Gunn, Wesley... God only knew where they were. Here she was, stuck in Sunnydale, watching the man she loved and had had to let go, continuing on with his relationship with a woman he loved and not knowing that in one moment, everything could shatter and break.

Running a hand tiredly through her hair, Cordelia stepped up to the full length mirror, examining herself. She looked so very different, so... Soyoung. "Naive..." She whispered to her reflection. It was true. Back here, the only thing that had ever worried her was whether her dress was going to give her hives or who her date was to Homecoming and whether their cool factor could ever exceed hers.

Bitch. Queen of Mean. Stick-figure-Barbie... Cordelia smiled fondly, thinking of Gunn, of how many times she'd cursed him for saying that - and for how many times in the past hour she'd wished she could hear it again.

"Cordy?" Spinning round, Cordelia's heart thudded in her chest, even knowing that Angel wasn't standing there.

"Xander? What are you doing here?"

"Well, call me stupid, but... I was worried. You seem, I dunno, more distracted than usual in our make-out closet sessions which is weird. You're usually the one chastising me for my mind not being where it should." He realised he was babbling and shrugged, opening out his arms by way of saying 'hey, I'm a dumbass, but a worried one - put my mind at ease!'.

"Are you okay, Cordy?"

The pause should have told him everything he needed to know. He didn't need to wait for the words even she cringed at. Didn't need to see the look on her face.

"Xander, we need to talk."

* * *

"Listen to what I'm saying." Buffy drove the vampire backwards, a well-aimed foot to the solar plexus catching it off guard, "The only depth of emotion Cordelia Chase is capable of showing is a temper tantrum when someone does something she doesn't like or..." The conversation stilted as she and Angel fought side by side.

She'd left the library shortly after Cordelia had, intending on meeting Angel for the night‘s patrol. Truth be told, she'd been acting weird in the library anyway, but Buffy had put it down to yet another ploy to get Angel, another way to steal him right from under her nose.

"It went deeper than that, Buffy." Said Angel, puzzled, and understandably so, since a tearful Cordelia had just thanked him for something he wasn't even sure he'd done. Frowning, Angel barely registered the thud as he drove the stake through a vampire’s heart. "It wasn't a temper tantrum, there was something really wrong."

"Yeah, only that she can't sink her claws into at least one guy in the whole of-- What?" Noticing the look Angel was giving her, Buffy frowned, "So what am I now, Saint Buffy? Give me one good reason why I should be nice to Cordelia when she's been nothing but downright bitchy to me and the majority of my so-called 'loser' friends."

Raising an eyebrow, Angel went to say something, then thought better of it. "I just... Thought that maybe she could use a friend."

Letting out a sigh, Buffy shook her head, maybe Angel was right. Maybe Cordelia did need a friend.

"Ok, all right, I'll talk to her tomorrow. But if I turn up to patrol tomorrow night with a kitten heel wedged in my forehead, I know who to blame."

Smiling slightly at Buffy's choice of words, Angel felt her hand slide into his, warm and soft. He couldn't put his finger on why Cordelia was so upset and why she seemed to be thanking him for something he hadn't done. It wasn't like his people skills had improved dramatically in the last 24 hours, but she seemed to know what he'd been thinking, even before he'd thought it.

"Hello, earth to Angel?"

His attention snapped back to Buffy, the look on her face one of mild annoyance, "Sorry, I was..."

"Not even here?" Buffy sighed, beginning to think that maybe there really was something wrong with Cordelia. “I’ll talk to her tomorrow, promise.”

"Come on, I'll walk you home." Said Angel softly, giving her hand a squeeze. "Never know what's out here at night."

Buffy smiled, feeling her stomach settle again. "I smell a rat," She teased, glancing up at him, "Would I be right in thinking that rat wants... Smoochies?"

The corners of Angel's mouth twitched up in a smile, his eyes lightening with an impish humuor that only Buffy could lay claim to seeing.

The slayer beamed, her step light as they made their way back through the cemetery, hand in hand..

"I knew you wanted smoochies."

~Part: 3~

"Let's try this again," Said Mr. Gabriel, pointing towards the board, "If A plus B equals C, then C must equal what?"

The response was disappointing. A couple of students shifted nervously in their chairs, Mr. Harris - the usual wisecracker of the group - looked balefully up at the stand-in teacher and then at the dark-haired girl off to his left, before back to the pencil in his hand.

"Ms... Ms, uh..." Glancing down at his lesson plan, Mr. Gabriel frowned slightly. Almost three weeks in Sunnydale and he still didn't know the names of his students, "Ah yes, Ms. Summers?"

"Huh?" Buffy's head snapped up, eyes flitting wildly to the board, puzzled, confused and aware that still, she was flunking math, big style.

"Did anyone do the reading from last week?"

A hand went up, making Mr. Gabriel smile, "Ah, Ms. Rosenberg, as always..."

"Twenty-five!" The shout came from one of the most surprising of sources.

Turning his head, Mr. Gabriel glanced at the student who'd answered, eyebrow raised. "Ms. Kendall?"

"Well, twenty-five's a good number, right? I mean, it could be..." Said Harmony, giving one of her 'I Don't Really Know The Right Answer, But At Least I tried' grins.

Suppressing a groan, the substitute teacher shook his head, about to launch into why it wasn't twenty-five and how picking a number, just because it was 'good' wasn't the way algebra worked. There was a set formula, a reason why A plus B equalled C...

Of course, time wasn't on his side. The bell rang out sharply, covered over quickly by the scraping of chairs and the rustle of papers being tossed into book bags. "Read through Chapter 9 for next week!" He called, his request falling on mostly deaf ears.

Out in the hallway, Cordelia watched as her fellow students parted to let her pass, some smiling nervously at her, some avoiding her eyes. Was this really how it had been in high school? Why hadn't she noticed this?

And what the hell was she, royalty? Oh, how she'd fallen from grace...

Her problem today, seemed to be her locker. It was a nice one, as lockers went, still the same as she remembered it - only, this time around, it seemed to not want to open. Cordelia had spent more time that day trying to get her locker open than wondering what it was she was supposed to tell Buffy and Angel about his curse, which had been the most pressing problem on her mind, closely followed by Xander.

The night before had been... Brutal.

And that was putting it mildly.

He hadn't even put up that much of a fight as far as Cordelia was concerned. Asked her why, stood there tight-lipped as she explained that they couldn't be together and that no, this wasn't about Harmony or any of the other Cordette's - this was her, all her. It was her decision and she was sorry.

What was she supposed to say? 'In a few months time I'm going to walk in and find you kissing Willow?' Or the other truth? 'I'm in love with a man you don't even know, not really. He's older than you, by quite a bit. And he makes me happy.'

Sure, that'd go down well.

Or she could go for the funny aneurysm, 'Xander, I'm in love with Angel.'

Even better.

Ten points for originality she supposed - this whole 'I'm from the future' crap.

Jamming her fist into her locker, Cordelia let out a yelp, feeling one of her perfectly manicured nails bend and snap, the locker barely moving as it registered the contact.

"Sturdy things, lockers these days." Said a voice from behind her. "Just don't make 'em like they used to."

"Hey Xander." Slowly, Cordelia turned, taking in his appearance. He looked like hell and that was putting it mildly.

"I'd still like to be friends, Xander."

"I have a problem with that. We never were friends, Cordelia."

"A-are you okay?" She asked softly, wincing as soon as the words left her mouth.

"Okay? Let's define okay. Okay would be... Not dead, considering the irony of where we live. Okay would be... Not heartbroken."

"I know." She whispered softly, eyes drifting away from his.

"You know? How? You're telling me you know this feeling? I wouldn't have thought you'd had much experience in being dumped."

"Nice shot, Xander. Feel better?"

Sighing, Xander leaned forward and thumped her locker. "Not really no." He said as the door sprang open - almost knocking him to the floor in the process. "Might wanna get the caretaker to look at that..."

"Xander, listen," Started Cordelia, reaching out to take hold of his arm, "I never..."

"You never meant to hurt me. I know that, Cordy. You told me."

Cordelia watched as he walked away, turning back towards her locker. This sucked. This more than sucked - she hadn't wanted to hurt him, not in the least, but how was she supposed to date him knowing what had happened, knowing that she was in love with someone else?

"Cordelia?"

Great, like her day could get worse now.

"Y'know, sometimes, I wonder if Harmony's head is on the right way..." Continued the slayer, softly, clutching an armful of books and folders en-route to her own locker. She watched as slowly, Cordelia turned round. Strangely, Buffy was primed for fight - ready, should the kitten-heel-wedged-in-forehead scenario begin to play. "I wanted to talk to you about something..."

"Let me guess," Said Cordelia, frowning, "Xander. Look, Buffy, no offense but--"

"Not about Xander. I know what happened and as much as I'm not loving the Xander-hurting parts, that has nothing to do with me."

"Oh..." Cordelia looked at Buffy, puzzled, "Well, what is it?"

"Angel..." Buffy watched closely, seeing Cordelia's breath hitch slightly. "He... He told me that he saw you last night, you were upset."

For a moment, Cordelia didn't speak - how could she? Short of blurting out that she loved Angel, Cordelia was at a loss for words.

"I know we haven't been friends, Cordelia, but... Angel seemed to think that there was something really wrong. I just wanted to... Well, I'm here. If you need to talk or anything, y'know?"

Great, thought Cordelia, The one girl I'm supposed to hate, even though she'll never get to know why is offering me a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on.

The familiar Queen C bitch role slid back into play and Cordelia frowned, "What is this, your Rich-Bitch outreach program? Angel caught me at a bad moment last night, okay? We're not friends Buffy, we're not going to be friends. So take your good intentions and your offers of talking some place else."

Cordelia spun on her heel, intending on leaving and wondering all the while why she'd done that when she felt a hand on her arm, stopping her.

"I don't buy it, Cordelia." Buffy's hand was firm - not hurting, but gripping enough to keep her in place. "When Angel saw you last night..." Buffy faltered, knowing that most of the time, she didn't like Cordelia, but even she wasn't blind, "Whatever it is, you're not alone in this. If I - If we - can help, that means any of us, we will. You know that."

Cordelia sighed, her face softening a moment, "I know that but... Believe me, you're the last person I need help from right now." Buffy's mouth moved to say something, to offer some words of advice or offers of help, but Cordelia cut her off. "It's nothing personal. It's not about you or Angel or Xander, it's just something I need to work through myself, okay? I'm sorry..."

Buffy's grip loosened on her arm and Cordelia walked away, down the corridor, bag thrown over her shoulder. Even though she knew what to do, she had no idea how to approach this - how to say to Buffy and Angel that she knew exactly what was in their future, that she knew, that doing something that felt right together, in consummating what she was sure was a loving relationship, they'd damn each other to a lifetime of torment and pain.

From way back in the corridor, Buffy watched - more sure than ever, that Angel was right. Something really was wrong - and from the growing pit of fear in her stomach, Buffy had the idea that whatever it was, it wasn't good.

* * *

"It was just weird," Said Buffy, looking at Angel, "I mean, sure, she's always been a bitch but she's never apologised for being a bitch, that's just not the Cordelia Chase way."

"Maybe you're being a little hard on her." Angel glanced at Buffy, noting the shocked look on her face. That mightn't have been the best thing to say - ever since he'd known Buffy, Cordelia had been the bane of her life in one way or another - trying to prove herself better than the slayer. The latest had come in the attempt of getting to know him a little better, showing up at the Bronze, talking to him - making him laugh, surprisingly. There was a side to Cordelia that Angel got the feeling not a lot of people saw, a side that he mightn't have noticed if he hadn't spent the last 100 years brooding and watching people.

This last effort had worked. He'd noticed her all right, noticed her to the extent of seeing something in her eyes that he couldn't place, a sadness that had deepened when she'd seen him.

"What?" He continued, "I'm just saying, that's all. Knowing what she knows about the world around her, it's hard not to get sucked into this stuff. It makes you re-evaluate what's important."

"Oo-kay," Said Buffy carefully, "But why now, I mean she's had a couple of months now to get over the fact that vampires and stuff are real, what's the big?" She herself knew that she'd been much like Cordelia back in LA, cared only about herself and which popular guy was hanging off her arm, but why had Cordelia decided that changing now was the right thing to do? No, something else was going on - be it intuition or slayer spidey-senses, Buffy knew.

"Maybe she realised that--"

"Did you hear that?" Buffy interrupted sharply. Patrol had been quiet tonight, no vamps or otherworldly uglies for the pair to work out frustration on.

Angel's body immediately straightened, his eyes darkening. He pointed to the clearing ahead of them, seeing a shadow move a second before Buffy did. "Over there..."

The pair moved forward, actions mirroring the others as it did so many times on patrol. The scene they came across however, was enough to make them both stop and gawp. For Angel, it was the exact same kick she'd perfected on him when he'd come across her the night before - her body spinning in a near-perfect circle, leg outstretched, connecting with the side of the vampires head and knocking it to the floor.

The fight wasn't over and in the split second that Buffy and Angel watched, Cordelia was taken off guard, legs swept from underneath her and knocked on to her back with a grunt of pain. Right after that, Buffy moved - the vampire hovering over Cordelia, fangs bared and glistening in the light of the cemetery.

Angel growled, hauling the vampire up by its neck as Buffy, ever resourceful, slammed her stake right through his heart, coughing as her breath caught a little of the dust the vampire had left behind.

Stooping slightly, Angel extended a hand and looked at Cordelia, frowning, "Are you all right?"

"Do I look all right?" She snapped, "I think I broke something."

"And there's the Cordelia we all know and love," Said Buffy dryly, "What're you doing out here anyway? It's a cemetery, it's night-time and-- Oh God, you weren't trying to..." Her voice tapered off and Buffy balked, "Were you?"

"Was I what?"

"Trying to get yourself y'know..."

"What, killed?" Cordelia looked at her incredulously, "Are you crazy? Actually, don't answer that. I came to see you two, I kinda... Well I have something to tell you and it's going to sound weird and strange but... This is a Hellmouth, so you're used to weird and strange." The logical part of her was reminding her that she was throwing away everything she knew and loved about the future, but that it was the right thing to do.

Her heart told a different story. Her heart was breaking, snapping clean in two and reminding her that without her, without what she was doing now, Angel was going to lose everything. In a way though, Angel was gaining something now too - something he'd wanted for a long time.

Buffy.

"So, spill...?" Said Buffy, cautiously, "What's wrong?"

"Can we go somewhere?" Asked Cordelia, softly, "I don't feel like sharing this in the middle of a cemetery with vamp dust all over me..."

"Sure, we can go to the library. Giles is expecting me after--"

"No!" Said Cordelia, a little too quickly. Giles had warned against this very thing she was going to do, told her that it would be detrimental and a whole other host of big words that were extremely off-putting.

It hadn't mattered.

She owed it to Angel to do this. Even if this Angel in front of her wasn't her Angel, she owed this to him, owed this to the person she knew and loved in the future.

"Look, no offence and all - I mean, I like Giles as much as the next stuffy British person, but I really don't want to be blurting this out in front of him." Said Cordelia.

"We can use my place," Offered Angel, glancing between the two women.

Cordelia nodded and started walking, ahead and out of the cemetery. Suddenly, she stopped, realising that she shouldn't really know that Angel had lived near the Bronze, her now hadn't known that - and damn, wasn't that confusing - not knowing what she was and wasn't supposed to know now. It wouldn't matter, soon. In a few minutes, she could tell them what she knew and then she could go back to being... Just Cordelia. She could forget about Angel and her feelings, she could say goodbye because that, that right there, was the right thing to do.

"Something wrong?" Angel and Buffy stopped next to her, both curious as to what she'd seen or heard. She shook her head though and the trio were off again, the uncomfortable silence between them growing. Reluctant though she was to blurt it out in the cemetery, Cordelia wasn't about to blurt it out on the street - they'd have her committed!

Of course, they'd probably have her committed anyway - but... How could she be lying about something like this? How could she know so much about Angel's past without being told about it? And to her knowledge, they'd never shared more than brief conversation together in this time.

"We're here."

Apparently, more time had passed than Cordelia had realised because there they were and in the next few minutes, Cordelia was damning herself to a future without Angel. She was changing Angel's past and in the process, changing her own life, maybe forever.

"Hello, earth to Cordy...? Hey!" The barest of emotions passed across Cordelia's face and Buffy was stunned, realising that she'd never seen such raw hurt, not from Cordelia, not ever.

"Cordelia...?" Angel looked at her, his door opened. Her head snapped up then and Angel was left watching, puzzled, as she slipped underneath his arm and into his apartment. He would have sworn at that moment that he'd seen tears glistening in her eyes, if Buffy hadn't coughed and broke him from his stare.

"I don't like this," Admitted Buffy, glancing up at Angel, "Spidey senses doing the wacky right now."

If he was honest, Angel didn't like this either - what could be that important, that shocking, that she wouldn't want to say it in front of Giles. By all accounts, the Watcher was someone the others looked up to and even though Cordelia didn't spend a lot of time with the man, or in fact Buffy and her friends, he'd have thought that Giles might have been the person she'd chosen to go to first.

"There's nothing much we can do," He said softly, trying to reassure her, "Except listen and see if she needs help. That's all we can give her right now."

Nodding, Buffy went inside, her gaze immediately falling on Cordelia who was pacing the room, hands wringing nervously. She'd never looked more vulnerable to Buffy then, as though every a wall had crumbled and left behind someone else, someone... Different.

"Cordy, listen, whatever it is--"

"Actually," She interrupted, voice taut with an emotion neither of her audience could place, "This is your turn to listen." She paced again, telling herself that this was the right thing and swallowing the lump in her throat, before turning to them, tears glistening in her eyes, "I've practised this speech so many times over the past couple of days and nothing I want to say seems to want to come out right." She laughed, the nervousness leaving a sour taste in her mouth.

She only had to look at Angel to know she was doing the right thing. This was where he belonged, in Sunnydale, with Buffy, not with her... Not with a broken future and a dead son.

The pair remained silent and Cordelia wished one of them would speak up - take away her spotlight. This rested on her shoulders though, this was her mission, the one thing she owed Angel even though this Angel wasn't hers and now, never would be.

This was her fight - only it felt like she was losing.

"It sounds crazy. Even as I think it, it sounds crazy, and then I think that maybe Xander would be better off here, because he'd maybe at least have seen enough wacky Star Trek episodes to crack a funny joke 'cause really? I'm coming up with nothing funny..."

"Cordy...? What is it?" Asked Angel, softly, starting to wonder if maybe he was getting better at this whole placating, reassuring thing.

"I'm... I'm from the future." Said Cordelia, continuing hurriedly, as if maybe telling them it all in one breath would make it more believable. "God, this is crazy but... I am. I have to tell you some stuff, about my past, your future... And it's not all pretty."

"Oo-kay..." Said Buffy, "Did you hit your head when that vamp knocked you down?"

"Why do people keep asking me that?!" She snapped, "No, no bumps to the head. Look, there's only so much I can tell you without completely ruining your life but--" Her gaze shifted to Angel, "In the future, we're friends. Good friends, actually. And let's just say that a road you take here leads to badness that I'm willing to prevent in the future."

His eyes darkened considerably, worry flooding his normally collected features. "Badness?"

"Badness," She nodded, unwilling to divulge anything more than that. "I'm telling you this because we're friends and because I don't like to see you hurting more than you need to. You can check information with Giles, research your history if you want to - get the deal with your curse - anything you need to back up what I'm telling you is fine with me... But you have to listen and you have to promise me that you'll at least hear me out before you send for the men with the white jackets, deal?"

There was a collective pause, Buffy and Angel glancing between each other. There was nothing in Cordelia's voice to suggest malice or mocking. Nothing to suggest that she had gone crazy - whatever it was, Cordelia believed what she was saying wholeheartedly and the pair had no choice but to listen.

"Okay," Said Buffy softly, crossing to perch on the end of Angel's desk, "We're listening."

Oddly enough, the moments where Cordelia had started to wonder whether she was doing the right thing had started to slip away. The moments where indecision filled her and she was left with unanswered questions were few and far between - this, right here, was the greatest thank you she could ever give Angel, the best ticket to his redemption. This was her mission, her responsibility.

"I guess that means it's my turn to talk, huh?"

Angel, seeing that the words weren't coming easy for her and that she was stumbling over what to say, glanced at Buffy then back at Cordelia, "We're friends... How?"

"Well uhm, you moved away to Los Angeles, not long after we - meaning Buffy and the rest of the gang - did the whole apocalypse thing again. I was there and you saved me from a vampire called Russell Winters. You hired me to-- Well, be your secretary."

"I have a business?"

"You're a vampire detective," She smiled, "We help the hopeless, that was our motto. I made that up."

Feeling his lips quirk up into a smile, Angel's gaze settled on Buffy, she obviously wasn't liking this too much. If he lived in LA - he was assuming that either she still lived in Sunnydale or the other, much worse option. "What about Buffy...?"

"Oh, she's still little Miss Likes To Fight, attending college, all good." Wisely, Cordelia left off the 'hey, you died' part after seeing the look on Buffy's face.

"I don't understand," Said Buffy, having mulled it over, "If Angel lives in LA and you two are friends, then why-- Well, why isn't he still here?"

Cordelia sighed, running a hand tiredly through her hair. "That's the not so nice part. You and Angel, well... On your 17th birthday, you and Angel, you uhm..."

"We what?" Asked Buffy, growing agitated, "Have a fight?"

"Y-you make love," Cordelia said softly, feeling her cheeks flush a little, "It's wonderful, it's perfect happiness... And it makes Angel lose his soul. In that one moment, he forgets all the acts he committed while he was Angelus and his curse is broken."

"No soul...? But that would make him..."

"The most feared vampire in all of the vampiric mythology, save for maybe Dracula, if you believe the hype." Said Cordelia softly, eyes drifting to Angel's. She recognised the look there, had seen it a thousand times in Angel.

Guilt.

"That's crazy..." Said Buffy, "I mean... I know the rules of the curse. Why the hell would they bring Angelus back just because Angel's happy?"

"I don't make the rules, Buffy," Replied Cordelia, arms folded across her chest now, "I'm just telling you what I know. As far as I can gather, the Gypsies don't want Angel to feel a moment of happiness. The very second he does, bam, leather pants."

"Then we'll find a way to stop it. You're not telling me this is my future, how can it be? Losing Angel... I couldn't..."

"That's why I'm telling you all this, Buffy. So you don't make the mistakes that you made the last time. This way, you can be together. It's not much but it's together - and there are no dead people in your future..."

"Dead?" Angel's eyes met Cordelia's, his own dark and curious. "I kill someone?" He didn't even bother hiding the disgust or the pain.

"Not you, Angel. Angelus." Cordelia said softly, then smiled a little, "I've lost count of the times I've said that to you back home. I think you're starting to believe it and then I'm tossed back to my 17-year-old self where guilt is still the new black with you."

"Cordelia, stop beating about the bush... Who?" Asked Buffy, voice strained. Was it Willow... Or Xander...? Giles? Did she really need to know this? This whole damned thing was hard enough without hearing this too. "Y'know what? It doesn't matter... I don't think I want to know."

Cordelia smiled, softly, "I don't think I'd want to know either." Taking a deep breath, she looked at the pair, mouth opening and then closing again as she saw the look on Angel's face. She waited, patiently, letting him digest whatever thought it was that was running round his head.

"We're friends." Said Angel quietly, "And... And Angelus was freed? I don't understand..."

Cordelia frowned slightly, wishing she had all these answers for him, "Believe me Angel, this way is better than finding out the conventional way."

"Conventional way?"

"Yeah," She nodded, "You comshukking with Buffy, the world as we know it falling to pieces, her sending you to hell and leaving town for three months. Conventional, painful - and leading to the untimely break-up of the two of you."

Mildly ashamed of the bitterness in her voice, Cordelia continued quickly. "I'm doing this for a reason and it's not because I don't like my future. You're my best friend, Angel and I love you - in the strictly friendly way," She lied, "Seeing what happens - what's already happened - the pain you have to go through? It's not worth it. I was given an opportunity and sent back here to help change your past. You deserve this. You deserve to be happy with Buffy."

Letting that sink in, Cordelia sighed. He deserved to be happy - but that didn't mean with her - that meant with Buffy. That meant everything that Cordelia hadn't allowed herself to think over the past few days. It meant no family, no Angel, no Gunn or Fred, Wesley or Connor.

Cordelia was realising just what she'd done in doing the 'right' thing and something inside started to hurt.

"As much fun as this is, me baring every emotion I have to you and telling you that you have to put a normal relationship on hold for a while, I'm gonna go. If you have any questions - at least ones I can answer without putting the entire universe in jeopardy, ala Back To The Future - then... I'll be around, okay?"

She waited for a moment, giving them the chance to ask any questions or whatever, knowing for certain that she didn't want to be here for the fall out. They'd go straight to Giles, who would go straight to her with his rants and his 'Do you realise what you've done Cordelia's...' And all the while, she'd still have to deal with the fact that she was a 21-year-old stuck in her 17 year old self not knowing where her life was going now because she'd done the right thing.

Slipping past them, she gave a brief, trying-to-be-supportive smile to Buffy - and a glance for Angel, finally out in the open air, coat clasped around her shoulders. She could tell herself she'd done the right thing and be convinced. She could walk with her head held high to her house knowing that Angel would be proud - that all the people who'd ever called her selfish, all those people that hadn't known her at all had been wrong - because she'd given up everything she knew and loved in her world just to make Angel happy.

She could do all those things but she couldn't stop the tears, nor could she stop the pain inside her chest - that pain that seemed to keep growing and growing.

Lifting a hand, Cordelia swiped at the tears, pumps hitting the pavement as she walked. She didn't hear the footsteps behind her, or her name being called. Barely even registered as the shadow fell across her path. When finally he grabbed her arm, Cordelia looked up, ready to fight and immediately having to settle as she saw who it was. "Something wrong, Angel?" She asked, trying to maintain some kind of dignity.

He looked puzzled, like she'd just kicked him - like she'd took away his safety net. "Cordelia, why did you do that? If you like your world so much then why change it?"

"I told you," She replied softly, "I changed it because you're my friend and because you deserve this. You deserve to be happy."

"What about you?"

"What about me? I'm still here aren't I?"

"What about what you deserve? Your happiness?" Asked Angel, hand still gripping her arm gently.

You have to be cruel to be kind, Cordelia. That was something her Grandmother had once told her - but she'd taken that literally. She'd been cruel to be cruel, never to be kind. No, this time, she'd have to pretend. She'd always been good at that - pretend the visions weren't hurting, pretend that things weren't getting on top of her.

"Hey, maybe this is my second chance," She smiled, the patented post-vision smile, the 'I'm fine, leave me alone now' smile that she'd grown accustomed to. "Maybe... Maybe this is my second chance at stardom or making up for my past, getting my own redemption. I'll be fine Angel. We both will be." Gently, she extracted her arm from his grip, smiling up at him, "Go on back to Buffy, Angel..." She said, the bitterness in her voice simply not there any more. "I'll be okay..."

It was a lie. A blatant lie - and even as Angel watched her walk away he knew it. He'd told Buffy he needed an answer, needed to know the answer to that question - and he'd never even asked. Sighing, Angel turned away from her and walked back to his apartment. Walked back to Buffy.

A moment after that and the sounds of quiet sobbing filled the street. Cordelia Chase sat, hunched over on a bench, crying gently into her hands.

Maybe she had done the right thing, maybe this was for the greater good - but that certainly didn't mean that it was painless.

~Part: 4~

"And that was it?" Asked Willow, softly, "Cordelia... She's really from the future and you and Angel..."

"Me and Angel." Buffy nodded, picking at the sandwich she'd brought from home that morning. She'd had the full night to digest all of this. After Cordelia had left, Angel had gone after her, to ask her the question that Buffy really didn't want to know the answer to, and when he'd come back... Oh, awkward, much awkwardness.

What were they supposed to say to each other? There'd been no comfort to give, no release in words or hugs... They'd been thrown into a world where a normal relationship was out of the question, into a world where they knew something nobody should ever know... They knew about their future, and as selfish as it was, Buffy was starting to wish they didn't.

"So, is Giles researching this? I mean... This is Cordy..."

That was Buffy's biggest problem. Even without Giles researching, she knew that what Cordelia had told them had been true. Impossible almost but definitely true. She'd seen by the look on Cordelia's face, the obvious hurt there in her eyes when she'd looked at Angel.

"Buffy?" Prompted Willow, softly, noticing that the glazed-eye look had returned to her friend's face.

"Yeah," Said Buffy, "He's getting with the books but... Will, she was so... I dunno, genuine? She wasn't lying, it was so obvious that she was hurting, so obvious that she hated doing it but... She did it anyway."

Willow sighed, still unable to believe that they were talking about Cordelia Chase in the context they were, although... "Is that not a good thing? Not the hurting but the fact that she's changed? It's not like she's ever been that nice before, is it?"

She'd never made it known that she liked Cordelia, not when she and Xander started dating or at any point before that - why should she? Cordelia had never exactly been her friend either.

"Giles says he needs to have a word with her. He didn't look happy when I told him, well, y'know... All of it."

"Are you kidding me? Giles will be having a fit... If Cordelia is who she really says she is and she's told you all about your future, it means she's changed whatever's going to happen. Whether that's good or not, it'll have consequences..."

"It's funny," Said Buffy frowning, "I like the word consequences so much better when my life isn't hanging on the end of it..."

***

"Do you realise what you've done, Cordelia?" Asked Giles, his voice taut with anger and fear. "You could have single-handedly damned us all to a life so entirely different, a life where--"

"A life where what, Giles? My future is so very different from this life we all lead now."

It's better, cut in her conscience, but Cordelia didn't voice it. She'd been standing in the library for just over ten minutes, listening as Giles berated her for what she'd done.

"People die, good people die - tell me that you could stand here and watch, knowing that unless you do something, the people who deserve it the least are going to be hurt the most."

Giles looked at her, his eyes locked with hers.

"This isn't about me, Giles. It never has been. From the minute I came back, it was about someone else."

"Angel?"

"Angel." She nodded, "In my future, in ours - he does something, something that he'll regret forever. The Powers That Be sent me back here for a reason and I can't help but think that it's to change what happened - that somehow, maybe... Maybe Angel's atoned for what he did and this here is his second chance. I told them about Angel's curse because... Because it's the right thing to do," She said sadly. "It hurts, but somehow... I know everything's going to be okay. Angel and Buffy will be happy and... Everything's as it should be."

"What about you?" Asked Giles, frowning, "What about your happiness? Your second chance?"

"I had that when I was with Angel," Replied Cordelia quietly. Angel had asked her that same question last night - her reply was still the same. This wasn't for her - this was for him. "I've had my second chance, Angel wasn't that lucky."

"You have no idea what you've done, what you've caused." The tone in Giles' voice was one of defeat. Who knew what kind of life they were in for now, what would happen in the future?

What were the consequences of Cordelia's unselfish, misplaced actions?

"I'm sorry but I couldn't just stand there and watch it all happen again. Not when there was a chance that I could make it better."

"It wasn't your right."

"Maybe not. But it was my decision. I know what I've done Giles and-- I have to believe that it was for the best, that I did the right thing or else..."

"Or else what?" Prompted Giles.

"Or else all this hurting and pain was for nothing. I did what I came to do. I changed Angel's past to give him a better future and you, nor anyone else is going to make me feel worse about that than I already do. I did the right thing."

"At the expense of your happiness and God only knows what else."

"I have to believe that there's something better for Angel," Said Cordelia, firmly. "I made a sacrifice, I'll deal with the consequences."

"No, WE'LL have to deal with the consequences, Cordelia, not you. It'll be Buffy that has to deal with whatever the hell it is you've caused."

"Then she'll deal," Snapped Cordelia, standing and grabbing her purse, "Because she has her beloved Angel by her side. You think it was easy doing what I did? You think it was easy knowing that I'm in love with the guy that she is and telling him to change his future, knowing that he won't ever have one with me? Damnit, Giles, you think you're so knowledgeable sitting here with all of your books - move into the real world for five minutes. To think that we're the only ones here, that we're the only ones who'll ever have to deal is so unbelievably naive. There's pain and there's suffering and there's people who die when they don't deserve it. Maybe I changed it, maybe I stopped the hurting for just a little while..."

"And perhaps you didn't." Said Giles, coldly, trying to make her see that what she'd done could have very grave consequences, not just for her but for the others around her too. "Perhaps you further prolonged that suffering."

"You don't think I know that?" Annoyed, Cordelia folded her arms across her chest. "In the future, I get visions. Visions of people in pain and suffering and it's my job - no, my mission, to help them. If what I was shown of Angel was a vision, then I was sent back here to change his past. There's a word for it, Giles. It's called intervention. Angel loves Buffy, he's happy with her and that's all I ever wanted. To see him happy, to see him get his redemption - to see him be rewarded for fighting a fight that constantly brought him nothing but pain."

"And this is it? You think this is his redemption?" Asked Giles, wearily, removing his glasses and rubbing them on the edge of his shirt.

"I don't know, maybe..." Said Cordelia softly, "Maybe I never will know. This is one past I don't want to change..."

"And what happens to you? Do you stay here, knowing what you've done?"

"I guess so... I mean, I didn't see any bright shining lights taking me out of my body once I'd told them," She shrugged, settling back down a little, "So maybe I just stay. Maybe this way I can make something better for myself too and not end up as a snack for Russell Winters." It seemed to hit her then, exactly what she'd done. Her parents would still lose their money - evading taxes forever just wasn't something Mr. IRS looked over - but what would happen to her now? She'd never meet Doyle, Gunn... Never have her visions.

By giving Buffy and Angel their future, she'd made her own uncertain.

"I'll be okay, Giles. Really... Whatever happens, whatever the fallout is of me telling Buffy and Angel this, they'll deal with it - we'll deal with it. It's not like I can sit back and relax knowing what I know. I'm not saying I'm the world's greatest fighter, but I can help. My computer skills are enough to make Willow jealous..." She smiled.

For the first time since she'd entered the library, Cordelia looked a little relaxed to Giles. This talk of helping, of putting herself in danger wasn't one that he particularly liked, but it was no different than normal he supposed.

In one way, this was everything a Watcher could dream of - inside knowledge of what was going to happen, exactly when it was going to happen. And in another way, this was enough to corrupt the purest of anyone he knew. Who could resist knowing what was going to happen in their future?

"Cordelia, whatever happens from now, whatever hardships we face, you can't tell them of what happens... You know that, yes?"

"I get it Giles," She nodded, "Big no-no to the divulging of what happens in the future."

For a moment, Giles paused just staring at Cordelia. What she'd done was nothing short of stupid - and yet nothing short of amazing either, because she truly had given Buffy and Angel the best thing she could have. She'd given them a chance of a future by jeopardising what was in hers.

"Hello? Earth to Giles...?"

"Oh... What?"

"You kinda zoned out on me there..."

Blushing faintly, Giles shook his head, "I was just wondering-- Will you be all right Cordelia? You know that I'm here if ever you need anything."

"Believe me," Said Cordelia with a smile, "I'll be maximising my rights to that offer once I realise that we aren't demon searching in history and I have to actually write papers instead of y'know... Getting vanquish-ey with the evil."

Chuckling, Giles nodded - realising that he wasn't actually able to stop staring at this girl -- this woman -- in front of him. She'd changed an awful lot and to all of them, that had been an overnight occurrence. For her, three years had passed and had made her blossom into this kind-hearted, if still a little tactless young woman. It made Giles strangely proud - and strangely apprehensive of the person Cordelia would now have to be to protect herself from the unknown. "You'll come by if you need anything?"

"Promise," She smiled, glancing down at her watch. As nice as this was - well, the parts after the yelling - Cordelia had things to do, other things, like trying to make sure her father didn't go to jail for not paying his taxes. Something like that would have to be dealt with much subtlety - and even now, Cordelia had no idea what would happen to him, or if she could get him out of this mess.

Sure, Skip, thought Cordelia dryly, Drop me back into this life but don't bother telling me something that'll actually help me like lottery numbers maybe...

Broken from her thoughts by the sound of the library doors opening, Cordelia glanced up, Buffy and Willow's voices echoing round the small room.

"I'm just saying you should be careful, that's all," Said Willow, "After all it is Cordelia that-- Cordelia!" Her face flushed the moment she set sight on the other girl, fumbling for a way to end that sentence in a way that wouldn't make Cordelia bitch-slap her to death.

"After all it is Cordelia that what?" Asked the brunette, darkly, eyes narrowing. "I see the 'not telling people' clause of the deal really worked out on your end, Buffy..." She snapped, her mood having dropped to Ice-Maiden the minute she'd heard her name being mentioned. Usually, she didn't care what other people thought about her - especially boyfriend-stealers like Willow Rosenberg, but this was different. She'd given up everything just so that Angel and Buffy could be happy - didn't that at least count for something?

Without giving Buffy chance to explain, Cordelia frowned and grabbed her jacket and purse from the table. "Giles, I'll come by to see you tomorrow..." She offered, tossing him a taut smile before sauntering out the doors.

"That was uncalled for." Giles chastised, glancing first at Willow, then at Buffy, "I thought we agreed that this was going to go no further than those that already knew?"

"No, you agreed, Giles..." Said Buffy, "I didn't get any say in it."

"With good reason," Said Giles, stiffly. It wasn't that he didn't trust Willow or Xander with these things, after all, they'd been through such a lot together - it was the fact that if someone overheard them talking, Cordelia could be in a great amount of danger - moreso than her status as Seer in the future, he supposed. It was strange how her future was unequivocally linked with her past. In her future, she saw things before they happened - and now, she knew things before they happened... It was strange, in a way that Giles found fascinating. "If someone gets wind of this, Cordelia could be in a great deal of danger, Buffy. She knows exactly what's coming round the next corner - many people will seek to put an end to that, or exploit it for their own gain..."

"What, so she knows what shoes are coming out next month? Big deal... Nobody cares about that except maybe her little tribe of minions."

"Buffy!" Giles snapped, "Without her, you and Angel could have been well on the way to making the biggest mistake of your life... A little gratitude wouldn't hurt."

Petulantly, Buffy stepped back. It wasn't so much the fact that it was Cordelia that it bothered her; it was the fact that someone had all the answers; every single answer and they were using them. Cordelia could know exactly what was round the corner for her - maybe it was her that Angel had killed when he'd gone all 'grrr' - Buffy didn't like knowing that somewhere, there were answers to her future, that somewhere, there was a person who could change all of it by a split-second decision. Sighing, Buffy glanced back up at Giles, "So what are you saying? I should watch over Cordelia?"

"Well, yes..." Said Giles, swiping his glasses from his nose in a quick motion, "That and... At least give her the benefit of some doubt, Buffy. She changed her life in order to try and make yours a better one. That deserves something."

Buffy and Willow sighed. It wasn't that they hated when Giles was right... They just hated that he was this right and about Cordelia too.

***

Later that night and Cordelia had placed a couple of anonymous phone calls to people asking what someone would do if they had 'forgot' to pay their tax for the last... Ever. The results hadn't been what she'd hoped. It was either, turn themselves in, leave the country or get a face-lift that was entirely unrecognisable.

None of those options were quite what Cordelia had been hoping for, and none of them had helped to improve her mood.

Neither did being introduced to Aura's latest flame.

Mike. Having only been dating Xander for a few months, Cordelia hadn't quite committed social suicide by telling her friends they were sheep - so she was still more or less in the Cordette circle, empowered by the fact that, 'we were so pleased you decided to dump that loser! We knew you'd come to your senses...' and the rest of the comments she'd been receiving that night.

Aura's flame took the cake. The perfect end to the perfect day, as far as Cordelia was concerned. He was a college guy, a senior - completely hot, cute... And a jerk. Not only had he tried to grope her at least four hundred times in the past hour, but he'd also spilt beer down her shirt, asking - with leer - if she wanted him to mop it up for her. It had been a blessing then, when instead of mopping it up, Mike had offered to get her a beer. One had turned into two, two had turned into three and now, three had turned into so many that she couldn't actually count...

Cordelia was drunk.

She remembered getting drunk in LA. Remembered getting so off-your-face-hammered that she'd had to get Doyle to open up her Tylenol when she'd been in more pain than he was post-vision. Remembered getting so drunk that she'd sang 'We Are The Champions' with Gunn and Wesley up on the stage in Caritas and hoping, more than anything, that Lorne would tell them that they were indeed 'the Champions' and that they could live without Angel.

But after many beers now, in the life where Cordelia wasn't used to beer, she was thinking that maybe she couldn't live without Angel or her friends. She was realising just what she was giving up and she hated it, hated it with every fibre of her being... And Mike was groping her again.

"Y'know," She slurred drunkenly, pointing from the dark corner of the Bronze she'd found herself in, "Aura's over there..."

True to her word, Aura was a little way away from the pair, dancing with some high school senior boy who'd evidently paid more attention to her than the college guy. At least with him, his hands weren't finding the entirety of her body more than interesting.

"I see her," He nodded, before turning his gaze back on Cordelia, her Prada dress hitched a little further up than was appropriate for a young lady. "More interested in what's over here though..." His hand moved forward, settling on Cordelia's thigh and squeezing lightly - it was a well-known fact that most of these high school girls were easy. Offer them a few drinks and a ride in your car and they were yours... Simple enough.

"Woah there, hey..." Said Cordelia, frowning slightly as her head spun - this was the part of being drunk she didn't like, "I just broke up with someone. I'm not ready to get involved with another... Someone."

His leer was unmistakable. He was out for what he could get and nothing else and no matter what the rumours said? Cordelia Chase never had been and never was going to be like that.

"Who said anything about getting involved?" He asked, smirking. "Besides, the way Aura tells it? The guy was a complete loser and not even remotely worth your time. You should move on to real men."

Frowning, Cordelia pushed his hand away and stood up, smoothing down her dress. "Guess that takes you out of the running then, huh? Like I said," She snapped, "Aura's over there."

Staggering away from him, Cordelia made her way past other Bronzers, threaded her way through tables and finally got to the bathroom, splashing some water on her face in an effort to sober up a little - her parents, while not winning any bets in the wonderful parentage game, would be decidedly pissed if she came home this drunk.

Glancing upwards, Cordelia looked at herself in the cracked mirror. It struck her then how, if you stared at something long enough, it started to blur, change shape and become something else. It struck her then that, it wasn't her old-self she was looking at - almost 18-years-old with her full life ahead of her. In the mirror, was her 21-year-old self - aged by seeing things she shouldn't, aged by years of fighting alongside a man she was in love with - and aged even more by having to give him up.

Frowning as the regular churning in her stomach started, Cordelia pulled open the bathroom door, hand walking her way back into the Bronze. "Aura?" She called as she neared her friend, now firmly in the arms of the senior high schooler that Cordelia vaguely recognised. "I'm going home!"

A pause... And nothing.

Sighing, Cordelia moved back to where Mike was pouting, beer clutched in his hand like his only lifeline. "You're leaving already?" He asked, standing up to place his hand on Cordelia's arm, "But the fun was just getting started..."

"No, the fun was just ending." She answered, pulling her jacket from the couch. She glared at him, once, hoping to tell him with just a look that it was extremely bad form to go some place with a date, then spend half the night groping her friend. She failed. Miserably. Instead, he found it endearing and incredibly sexy, apparently - because he darted forward, trying to catch her lips with his own...

She dodged; silently thanking Angel for all the lessons in LA that had most certainly paid off and heard him crashing into another couple. Using this to her advantage, Cordelia escaped, shrugging on her jacket as she left the Bronze, expensive shoes clicking against the sidewalk as she walked.

Mike, however, wasn't so easily deterred. His motto was that he'd spent the money, listened attentively as she whined drunkenly about the Angel-guy she'd just split up with - and decided that he wanted... No, deserved something for that. Even if he only copped one feel from the brunette he'd been unsuccessfully trying to grope all night, that'd be enough - he'd tell his friends that more happened anyway.

Grabbing her round the wrist, he managed to turn her body, pressing her up against the wall in the back alley she'd chosen to walk home through. "Is that any way to treat a guy?" He asked, eyes dangerously dark as he used his body weight - and the fact that Cordelia was drunk - to his advantage. "We were just getting started..."

Cordelia, not intimidated just yet, glared up at him, "If you don't move yourself right this second? I'll show you what just getting started actually means in my terms."

Mike chuckled, long and low, using his other hand to cup her cheek, trailing his thumb down the baby soft skin he found there. "Don't be like that, Cordy... I hear you're quite willing most of the time, providing the guy spends the money..."

Cordelia's eyes flashed, a hurt look zipping onto her face. The old Cordy would never have let a comment like that bother her, would have retorted with a comment so blistering it hurt to even say it. Her day hadn't been the best though - in fact this week just kind of sucked and Cordelia didn't have the patience or the energy for a clever retort.

"Then maybe you shouldn't believe everything you hear." Said a voice from behind her, grabbing Mike and slamming him backwards into the opposite wall.

His eyes golden with rage, fangs bared, Angel stared at Mike, "You come near Cordelia or any of her friends again and I'll kill you... Get me?"

His grip loosened and Mike was only too willing to oblige, eyes wide and terrified as he darted off down the alley, shaken to the core by Angel's threat. Once he'd made sure he was gone, Angel turned on Cordelia, human face back in play, "You're drunk."

He tried to hide it, but even to Cordelia, his disgust was obvious... Fine, maybe she had let Mike go too far, maybe she hadn't tried to stop him as hard as she could have but there was a reason for her being drunk and that reason was as large as life standing there in front of her. She'd wanted to forget about him... It hadn't worked. Here she was, standing right in front of him - and when that happened? Really not easy to get him out of her mind...

"No shit, Sherlock..." She growled, glancing down at her wall-scraped arm. She was rapidly beginning to sober now, her mind processing exactly what had just happened. "You didn't have to do that, I was handling it..."

"You weren't handling it, Cordelia. You could have been..." His voice tapered off as he stared at her, wondering if she really was just that stupid.

"What, raped? Murdered? Hello, I worked three years with you; getting visions of the exact same thing you're telling ME about! Don't stand there and preach to me, Angel, I'm not one of your fucking helpless..."

He bristled at the words, startled by the anger in her voice. Just what was her problem? What, she wanted to die? She'd be doing a good job of it if that was her attitude, especially living in Sunnydale. "Cordelia--"

"And don't 'Cordelia' me! God, I hate that tone of voice! It's the one you use when I'm in trouble, or when you're pissed! You don't know me any more, Angel, you don't get to use that voice!" She yelled and then, it sort of struck her. It wasn't that Angel didn't know her any more - it was that Angel didn't know her at all. There was nobody around to use that voice with her, nobody to yell at her when she'd peeled up the tiles on his kitchen floor, looking for actual linoleum, nobody to yell at her when she'd got the slightest little dent in his car - nobody to use that tone of voice on her when she was prying just a little too much and that just because he didn't want to talk about it then, it didn't mean he didn't want to talk about it later.

He didn't know her at all and through the fog of alcohol, things were starting to ache again.

"I-I have to go..." She whispered more subdued this time, feeling the tears prick the back of her eyelids. Damnit, she was not going to cry in front of him.

Before she could think of moving, Angel grabbed her wrist, "Cordelia, wait..."

"Whatever you're going to say? It's not going to make it better." She said firmly, "Unless you can tell me that by some small miracle you remember the three years that haven't happened yet? Nothing's going to make this right again."

He paused a moment, searching her face and eyes, wishing he knew what she wanted from him. "I can't say that," He acknowledged, ashamed almost at having to admit that. "I'm sorry..."

He was sorry. It was the thing she'd loved most about him - with other people, he was guarded, but with her, he'd let her see what was inside by just looking at her, by just letting her glimpse what was in his eyes. Clichéd, but true - his eyes really were the windows to his soul. "I know you are." She said, sadly, looking down as the first tear slipped down her cheek.

"Why did you do it?" He asked, gently, "If you knew it would hurt this much, if you knew that you didn't have to, that it wasn't your place... Why did you change it all?"

"You really don't get it, do you?" She whispered. He hadn't asked about Ms. Calendar, about who'd died at his hands and Cordelia had never bothered telling him. It would hurt too much... Sometimes truth hurt more than lies and it was all you could do to cover it up. "I know what they think... You probably think the same... That my life sucked, that I'd do anything just to change it all and that this, doing this was the way. I heard Willow earlier--" She offered, by way of explanation. "--But it's not like that. I just... I don't like seeing you suffer more than you have to."

She hadn't lied to him. It wasn't an all out, blatant lie - but she hadn't exactly told him the truth either. What was she supposed to say? 'Pick me? Let me make you happy?'

For a start, Julia Roberts much?

Second of all - in that film, the non-blonde had been rejected. Of course, she didn't see herself as being Julia Roberts or anything and going after a married man? Muchos-tacky - but the concept was the same. Realising in true Hollywood fashion that you loved your best friend at the very moment you found out that you were losing him, it had happened months ago when Skip had ordered her to that higher plane - it was happening now, only there was no wedding.

Yet.

There would be. Because now, they could be happy. They could have their Ever After and she... She could have what, visions that she mightn't even get? An acting career? Doubtful - even she knew she sucked. What she had now was exactly what she had when she'd left high school.

Nothing.

Tentative friendships built up with people that she didn't really know. Family relationships that were so strained they were almost non-existent...

And no knowledge of what was coming next.

She mightn't have had that with Angel, but she'd always felt safe with him - always felt like maybe they could tackle whatever was coming, like a family should... Like they had done so many times over these past years. She could feel her shoulders start to shake and when Angel pulled her into his arms, the movement was so stilted and awkward that for a moment, it was okay - she wasn't sinking into him like she had so many times. It wasn't comfortable or even right, because this wasn't her Angel...

But as she cried there and Angel's hand slipped down to rest at her back, his other holding her close to him the way he had when Doyle died, Cordelia couldn't help it. She stood there in the middle of the alley next to the Bronze, sobbing into his chest, wishing for all she was worth that she could take back what she'd done; even knowing it had been the right thing.

A few moments later and Angel had helped her into his car, watched as she curled up against the leather of his GTX Convertible and thought briefly of going back in to tell Buffy that he'd meet her later for patrol, that he needed to do something... He thought better of it. When Cordelia looked up at him, face streaked with mascara, eyes red from crying and whispered that it was okay, that she could get home from here, Angel shook his head. He wasn't about to leave her alone, not now.

She'd done something for him, so amazing that it would have took his breath away if he had any - something that, regardless of what Buffy or her friends thought, was selfless and - as he felt - undeserving. He wanted to be happy with Buffy, wanted nothing but... But seeing Cordelia like that had pained him, made him feel angry that she'd been given this decision, giving this monumentous responsibility of changing his past in order to change his future... It should never have been put on her shoulders, not if it made her feel this way.

Climbing into the car across from her, Angel started the engine and pulled away from the Bronze, glancing over at her every so often as he drove. There was something about this whole thing that he didn't understand and he was determined to get to the bottom of it, to find out why Cordelia had done it - since it so obviously wasn't for the reasons she'd given him.

When he glanced over again, Cordelia had fallen asleep, curled up there on his front seat. He didn't have the heart to wake her. Instead of driving to her house, Angel doubled back to his apartment and carried her from the car, placing her in his bed. With any luck, she'd be out until he came back from patrol with Buffy then, if she felt up to it, they could talk or he could drive her home.

Sitting down next to her for a moment, Angel stared. Her hair fanned out across his pillow, chin tucked into her chest almost as if she were guarding herself from something. Her chest rose and fell with each breath she took, shivering lightly as she dreamt. Pulling the covers up around her, Angel sighed - last week, his life had been simple - he didn't feel quite so guilty, not when Buffy was around and now... Now he shouldered every kind of guilt Cordelia had seemed to take on. Because of him, because of what he meant to her in the future, she was hurting now and Angel couldn't help but feel guilty...

A moment later and Angel had stood to go until Cordelia had cried out in her sleep, called his name and a name he didn't recognise. Connor. Then, she'd started to cry, whisper that she was sorry... And Angel didn't have the heart to leave her there, let her wake up alone. Instead, he sat in a chair opposite her in his minimalist apartment, just watching her.

When she woke up, he'd be there... He couldn't give her back her future, but it was a start.

~Part: 5~

The last time Cordelia could remember waking up with a headache like this was the drinking binge that came after being fired. She'd never even drank like this with Groo when they were on their holiday, officially on leave from the whole package that came with working for Angel Investigations and the Powers That Be.

For some reason, her body seemed less inclined to process the alcohol. Cordelia felt sick, her head pounded and a smell that could only be shop bought coffee pentetrated her alcohol-addled senses. Nobody, absolutely no one she knew, made coffee that good, except maybe Phantom Dennis on a good day.

Wincing, Cordelia turned, thankful for the lack of sunlight in the room. "Ohhh-kay... And where the hell am I?" Oh God, it wasn't going to be like on TV where you woke up and saw the 'thing' lying next to you, was it? Oh hell... Oh hell... Oh... "Angel? What--"

For a moment there, it'd been quite easy to forget. For a moment, she'd thought she was back at home, or maybe the hotel - having just woken up from a monster drinking session that, if Doyle had been here, would have put him to shame.

"Oh..." Said Cordelia softly as she looked round the room, squinting in the already dim light. "I thought that... Never mind."

She knew how she must have looked right now, and it wasn't that she was being ungrateful or anything. It was that the dream she'd been having? In it, she'd made this right. She'd changed the past - only she hadn't been sent back here. She'd made it right in her future, that future where Angel loved her and... That dream was difficult to shake.

"I-I got you some coffee," Angel said tentatively, as he watched her, plucking the Krispy Kreme bag up from the side table.

The bag was huge. The smell of coffee and delicious treats like donuts and waffles wafted towards Cordelia's nose. It must have cost a fortune, and Cordelia knew from living in Sunnydale that there was only one Krispy Kreme outlet right across town. "You went and got me this? But... How? I mean, sun shining plus vamp equals Krispy Angel..."

"I called in a favour. Willy the Snitch owes me some, I just... Had him deliver. I didn't know what you wanted so I just got you everything. You don't have to eat it or any..." Angel's voice trailed off and he frowned. Without knowing how, he'd made her cry again, tears welling up in her eyes. "Cordelia?"

"Has there been any time in the last four days when I haven't cried in front of you?" She asked, rather snippily. Those words had been more or less the same thing he'd said to her in the future, when they'd called for lunch and he'd bought her everything off the menu.

She'd told him she loved him - she hadn't figured on it being true in a way that she'd never meant before.

"I understand," He ventured softly, ready to try and placate her.

"How can you understand? God, I don't even understand. All I know is two weeks ago my life was great - I was with you and Fred and the others and now, everything sucks again. Way to go, Cordy."

Puzzled, Angel glanced from the bag to her and then back again, wondering what it was he'd done wrong. He'd only bought her coffee...

"It's not you," She sighed, noticing where his gaze had gone, "And that whole you bringing me breakfast thing was incredibly sweet... But... I've already deja'ed this vu... You did it for me in the future too. The visions were getting to me - I kept getting angry 'cause people kept asking me if I wanted anything and you..." Cordelia swallowed, "You ordered the entire menu for me because you didn't want to ask me if you could get me anything..."

These memories were killing her. She saw so much of his older-more-wiser self in this younger version - and yet... They were so different. For a start, she totally wanted to bitchslap him for loving Buffy and not her, though that wasn't really fair. Cordelia knew what it was that had made Angel open his eyes - turning into Angelus, killing Ms. Calendar, going to hell - Hell really shaped a person's character, she supposed.

He'd realised somewhere along the line that he and Buffy couldn't indulge in the immortal forever love crap without the world and it's Sunnydale Residents taking a serious ass-kicking, and he'd left. That was how Angel Investigations had started. That was how they'd become friends.

"Sorry..." She muttered finally, drawing her sheet-covered legs up to her chest miserably, "Guess this wasn't how you pictured starting your day, huh? Crazy future girl hogging your bed, droning on about the family she used to have... Fun for you..."

Angel stayed silent, hands clasped together as he watched her, frowning as he saw the bruises on her wrist, the scrape down her arm. He knew he hadn't done that, for certain. No, that was the work of the chauvinist asshole she'd been with last night. Biting back a growl, Angel met her eyes, "Does that hurt?"

Cordelia shook her head, "Can't really feel anything - though that could be because my head's about to explode -- and before you get with the preachy..."

"Cordelia..." He tried to interrupt.

"Yeah, I know I was stupid. I know that I was dumb and drunk and a whole host of other things but--"

"Cordelia?"

"--That doesn't give you the right to--"

"Cordelia!" He yelled finally, his voice raising way above the 'Angel' norm. "I'm not going to start preaching. It's none of my business."

That comment brought her back to the earth with a bump. It wasn't any of his business, was it? So then why, exactly, had he been looking at her like that last night? Why, exactly, had he started in with the 'Cordelia' voice and the 'you could have been {insert option here}' speech? Cordelia, puzzled and not wanting to continue on this line of thought, threw the covers back from her legs and got out of Angel's bed, avoiding his gaze.

Angel, disappointed somewhat by the lack of response, blurted out the only thing he could think of, "Who's Connor?"

Cordelia froze, caught off guard by the question. She hadn't told him he'd had a son - hadn't told him that the entire reason she'd come back here was because he'd killed him and ended up destroying his own life in the process. "O-old boyfriend." She lied, avoiding his eyes. The room spun and Cordelia almost plummeted to the floor, would it not have been for Angel's hand on her arm, holding her steady.

They were closer now than they'd been in what seemed like forever to Cordelia. His fingers were under her chin, making her look up and the cool and calm facade she'd decided to adopt was rapidly slipping away.

He could hear her heartbeat increase, notice the change in her. She was scared, not of him but of something else. Angel bent his head forward, all thoughts slipping out of his head - his lips just inches away from hers... And Cordelia pulled away.

"No..." She whispered, tears blurring her vision as she moved. How could she let this happen? If this happened, she was jeopardising the future she'd just tried to change - the future she'd had to change, for Angel's sake. "Angel, you love Buffy..." There was a world of hurt in that voice. A world of 'I wish you didn't's' and a world of 'pick me's' - none of which Cordelia knew how to put into words. "I-I didn't come here just to... Just..."

"Just to what?" Asked Angel, frustrated and not knowing why he'd tried to kiss her. She was right, he did love Buffy, he was in love with Buffy. What he was doing was wrong, he knew that... But there was no other answer he knew.

"To do this over again! To fall into this trap that I just seem to love. Sure, Cordy, pick a fixer-upper, pick a guy who's not even particularly worth your time and then fall completely head over heels in love with him. I've both been there, done that and I'm NOT getting the scars again to prove it. I won't, Angel..."

What could he do but let her go? His grip on her arm loosened and Angel stood there for a moment, staring at her. "This isn't easy, Cordelia. You know a hell of a lot about me and I..."

"You what? Don't know anything about me? Born May 24th, which makes me a Gemini. Right now, I live in Sunnydale with my parents who got most of their money the illegal way. I'm in love with a guy who'll never look twice at me and I single-handedly destroyed my own life trying to make someone else happy. You feeling the bitterness vibe here, Angel? Because believe me, it's there." Cordelia was annoyed and confused. Angel had just tried to kiss her and had successfully thrown what little left she'd understood into orbit.

"So come on, tell me how hard this is..." She said, bitter defeat tingeing her voice, "Tell me how hard it is knowing that you can't have sex with the woman you love - then double that. No, triple it and you have where I am. My future's never exactly been the one thing that was certain, but at least when it was you, it was safe. At least when I was with you, I could take whatever was coming round the next corner and believe I'd get through it, even if it wasn't strictly true. Now look at me. I'm back in Sunnydale, surrounded by the most shallow people in the world and wishing more than anything that I didn't have this past with you to compare with my present."

This was getting her nowhere. Angel was looking at her with the patented Post-Vision look and making her feel more guilty than she already did. She needed to get out of there and fast.

"Do you know how hard it is being around you?" She asked, her voice dropping a few decibels. "See, I keep remembering stuff. That afternoon in the hotel when you ordered everything from that menu for me because you didn't know what I wanted and knew I was fed up of people asking what I did. When you sat with me in the courtyard post-vision, out of the sun but there. I have all of these memories of us, of our friendship and our friends and... And they don't actually mean anything because they haven't happened yet. I keep expecting to wake up with Phantom Dennis hovering a cup of coffee in my direction, and instead I wake up with a headache that almost equals vision hangover and start yelling at you."

Angel stood, reeling from the way her moods had changed so rapidly, hands thrust in pockets. She'd been right. He didn't understand, but he wanted to try. "What if we start over?" He asked, suddenly, meeting her eyes, seeing some kind of brief light at the end of this tunnel.

"Start what over? The morning? Like... Me waking up again and not going psycho on you?"

"No," He shook his head, "I mean... Our friendship. Cordelia..."

His conversation ineptness made her smile. Back home and she'd been the one to do all the talking - it was nice to think that some things would probably never change.

"What you've done..." Angel paused, "No one's ever done anything like that for me. Maybe I can't give you back your future but... If we could be friends maybe... It's a start, right? We can... Start over as... Friends?" Taking the bag of coffee and donuts from the table, he handed them to Cordelia with a smile, "You're not alone in this, Cordelia. I'll help you all I can..."

"Because that's what friends do." Said Cordelia, a touch of wistfulness entering her voice. It wasn't her future, but like he said, it was a start. "Friends?" She held out her hand and smiled, feeling his slide into hers. They shook on it and Cordelia grinned, "Ok, I know you're not a foodie but you have got to try this..."

* * * * * * * *

"Cordelia? And Angel? I don't think so..." Said Willow, shaking her head. Just... Not possible. It couldn't be. Angel and... and Cordelia? No! Definitely not.

"I'm telling you Will," Buffy mumbled, pushing her food around her plate, "She left his place this morning. Early. I knew he hadn't come on patrol but I thought that maybe he'd just been disappearing guy on me again. He was with Cordelia..."

Ok, so that wasn't what Willow had been expecting. Even she'd noticed the obvious change in Cordelia these days - the brunette was less volatile, less inclined to speak her mind. She'd said something to Willow that morning that could almost be construed as 95% compliment. But Cordelia and Angel...? Not possible. Definitely not possible.

"I know there was some trouble with one of Aura's current flings last night, she and Harmony were talking about it this morning before history. Of which I noticed you weren't present and here--" Willow plucked some notes from her bag and handed them to Buffy, "--Even highlighted with the important points." Usually, that was enough to make Buffy smile. This morning though? No such luck. Not even a hint of a grin. "Look, the only way you're going to know if there's anything going on is if you ask. So, go..."

"Oh, sure," Buffy frowned, "What am I supposed to do, walk up to Cordelia and say 'hey, are you trying to steal my boyfriend *again*'? Never gonna happen."

"Not Cordelia! Angel... Go talk to Angel. He loves you Buffy, not Cordelia." Not even the new and improved one, she added silently. Then, she changed tacks, looking Buffy directly in the eye, "I'm not making excuses for her, Buffy, but... I doubt that giving up her future so that she could come back and steal Angel from you in this life was her modus operandi. Maybe she just changed?"

"What about that tiger and stripes thing? That's... True!" Buffy frowned, not wanting to believe the best in Cordelia when she felt this miserable.

"That's leopards... And spots. But look at Angel."

"That was different, he was given a soul."

"Yeah," Willow nodded, "And Cordelia was given visions. I'm the first one to call her on her selfishness and the fact that she's a major b-i-t-c-h most of the time -- but whether we like it or not, she did this, Buffy. As far as we can see, there's been nothing motivating Cordelia to do anything for herself. I hate to say it - but we have to be doubt-benefitty kind of girls."

"Even if she's stealing my boyfriend?" Asked Buffy, eyebrows raised.

"Oh no," Willow grinned, "Then you can really scratch her eyes out."

* * * * * * * * * *

"I'm saying... I don't know what I'm saying!" Finished Buffy, sighing. "All I know is ever since Cordelia came back from the future, I've barely seen you. You spend most of your time trying to extend the bulky yet comforting arm of a vampire an-and I'm jealous!"

There, she'd done it. He'd told her to be honest about her feelings and she had been. How could she not be jealous? Cordelia had skipped on out of there that morning as if her life were all sunshine and roses again while Buffy's was slipping further and further into the gutter. With Spike and Drusilla on the prowl, Buffy's spirits were running low. Seeing Cordelia that morning hadn't exactly put her in the best frame of mind.

"Buffy..."

"Angel, I'm trying to make sense of it all. I get that she's hurting, really I do but... It just feels like..."

Angel stared at her a moment. Usually, he had enough guilty feelings to deal with on a regular basis. Today, he had the memory of Cordelia... How close he'd been to kissing her. How much he'd wanted to run his fingers through her hair. She was everything Buffy wasn't, a direct parallel to the girl he'd fallen in love with. That was the part that was giving Angel the problems - and the guilt. He loved Buffy, would always love Buffy. But the connection he felt with Cordelia, the obvious attraction - it worried him. He shouldn't be feeling this, he knew he shouldn't... But he also knew that what Buffy had said was true.

Since Cordelia had come back, they hadn't been together once for fear of what might happen. Cordelia's help had opened up a crack in their relationship, and that crack was only getting bigger. How could he be with her when she'd have to forsake any kind of normal life to be his? How could he be with her when he knew what the consequences of what she understood as a normal relationship would bring?

"It just feels like what?" He asked softly.

"It feels like I'm losing you," Said Buffy quietly, "And I don't know how to get you back..."

She knew what he was thinking - how could she not? The very same things that were plaguing Angel had been running through her head for the past few days. This morning had been an attempt to erase all that. To prove not only to herself, but to Angel, that they could survive this, that they could get through anything. Then, she'd seen Cordelia. Buffy was no fool, she knew that Cordelia was everything she wasn't. She knew that Cordelia was at least socially able, pretty, popular, and that now, she shared a future and what felt like a past with Angel.

They had a friendship, something that Buffy wasn't sure she and Angel had ever shared.

Sighing, Buffy sat down on the edge of his bed, glancing morosely around the small apartment. "I don't know what to do," She admitted, quietly, eyes cast down and away from his. "I-I love you. I know I do. But..."

There it was. But.

Last year, Buffy had died. She was starting to get now that being a slayer meant making certain sacrifices. Having a normal life wasn't possible. For her. Even snuggling with her honey could now mean the end of the world. Buffy didn't know Angel's evil self, and she wasn't itching to get to know him either. Being around him was too hard, knowing that one moment of happiness could unleash such pain on the world.

"But what?" Angel looked down at her from where he stood.

Buffy didn't know. Was this really the way her life was going to be now? Having to play it safe every time she was with him? Not being allowed to be close to him because of a curse?

Bitter tears welled up in Buffy's eyes and she looked up at him. "Every time I look at you, it feels like we're getting further apart. I keep telling myself that we can work through this. That we don't need to be together like that..." Her cheeks burned as she realised what she was saying, "B-but... I'm scared. What if it's not just y'know, that? What if... What if us being together unleashes Angelus on the world? What if just a kiss or something makes you so happy that you..." Buffy swallowed and looked down again. "I can't live like that Angel. How can I be with you if I know that one thing I do might take you away from me?"

Angel moved then, kneeling in front of her and taking her chin between his forefinger and thumb, turning her gaze back to his. "Buffy... If that were going to happen, don't you think it would have happened by now? The first time I kissed you, when you said you loved me... It's not perfect, what we have now - but we have something. We have each other. That's all that matters."

All that matters... Buffy closed her eyes, shivered as Angel ran the tip of his forefinger down her cheek, so tender it almost made her cry. That was all that mattered - they were together. Being apart just wasn't an option. She'd thought about it - thought about it until her heart ached, her eyes had filled with tears and she'd realised that living without him was something she couldn't do.

He was the one thing in this entire freaky world that made any kind of sense to her. Two minutes ago, she'd been close to giving that up because things were getting hard. It showed a vulnerability in Buffy that she'd never known she'd had. She wanted one part of her life to be kind of normal, with Angel she could pretend that. With Angel, she could be just Buffy - regardless of the slayer/vampire aspect of their relationship. Buffy could be herself, patrols and other mondo-uglies be damned.

"All that matters." Buffy said quietly, opening her eyes again and glancing down at him, shoulders lifting slightly as if a weight had been taken from her. He was right. What they had right now, it wasn't perfect, but they had something. It was a start...

"Maybe..."

"What?" Buffy's pause had been enough to draw Angel from his own thoughts, eyes slipping up to meet hers. By far, she was the most important thing he had - the closest thing he had to happiness. It would never be perfect, perhaps never be normal, but he'd keep telling himself that he had something. Buffy had taught him that he didn't have to live his life hidden by the shadows, ashamed of what he was.

"Maybe we could do something, tomorrow night? Like... A date type something?" She asked, hopefully. That one time they'd had a date, the Order of Taraka had shown up, sent by Spike to take down the slayer - or at least keep her out of the way. "Don't worry," She smiled, "No ice or skating involved. Maybe just... The Bronze? I'm pretty sure I can square it with Giles to get the night off tomorrow. He and Ms. Calendar might patrol if I throw the tired-and-needing-a-rest-card."

Okay, so maybe it wasn't exactly fair play to even think about doing that - but Buffy needed a break. She needed a break from demons and vampires and Seers from the future. She needed one normal night just to remind herself that she wasn't just a slayer, that every decision she made, no matter how big or small, wasn't going to affect the good of the world and the people she protected.

"What do you think?"

Angel smiled at her, eyes softening. At times, it was easy to forget she was just a teen, growing into adulthood with the weight of the world on her shoulders. "It sounds fine," He said softly, "As long as you can square it with Giles..."

Grinning, Buffy reached down to kiss him, "Sooo not a problem."

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