Feedback: I'll send more fic if I get feedback...is this blackmail? HELL YEAH!!!
Spoilers: Birthday...and everything leading up to it, I guess.
Summary: Cordelia's birthday brings heartache...
Rating: R
Distribution: Stranger Things Forum, possibly the Holywater site, my own eventually when I get round to updating...
Disclaimer: Imagine a phone call, where I BEG Joss Whedon to give me the characters...see, NOT mine, never gonna be mine...why would Joss Whedon EVER take my phone call? Much less ever give me characters he's spent 6 years cultivating and...get my point? NOT MINE!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~Part: 1~
He looked around the hotel, sombrely. It was hard to believe it could look this depressing despite the lavish decorations that covered it's entirety. One year older, she'd said this morning, a smile on her face. One year older and a whole lot wiser. Bright blues and reds dotted the lobby, balloons reaching the ceiling. Streamers everywhere, party hats strewn across the Hyperion, presents unopened and...blood on the floor, a pain in Angel's heart.
***
"Ta-da!" Twirling round, she looked at Angel, "How do I look?" She'd asked, her eyes meeting his.
Angel smiled, "Wonderful." Okay, add to that amazing, gorgeous, stunning...and you had kinda close to what Angel felt. She wore a pale blue summer dress and black sandals. He could remember so well her telling him he never noticed her shoes. Seemed like he noticed everything about her these days. Yesterday, her fingernails had been a different colour, her hair had been clipped up instead of down round her face like it was now...Angel, was in love.
"Gettin' good at the compliment thing, huh Angel?" She'd teased, grinning at him, pulling him back from his thoughts.
He'd simply smiled at her, "Promise you'll be gone the whole hour?"
"Please!" Said Cordelia, grinning, "You've given me money to go shopping with on account of your forgetting my birthday last year AND the year before. The chances of me coming back at all are slim." She teased.
"What? I...maybe Fred should go with you..." Said Angel, panicked, Cordelia? Never coming back? That wouldn't be good.
"Relax." She laughed, "I'm joking. Besides, Fred's either playing ham in the sandwich between Wes and Gunn, or babysitting Connor while you organise my surprise."
Angel grinned at her, "Okay, have fun shopping." He smiled.
"Duh!" Called Cordelia as she left...
***
A hand on his shoulder jolted Angel out of his reverie, "This wasn't your fault, Angel." Said Wesley quietly, watching his friend. Angel never spoke, just looked up at the streamers on the ceiling, "One year older." He said quietly.
"And nothing like a crappy greeting card from the Powers That Be that says 'hey, happy birthday, here's a few hundred visions' that are likely gonna kill you..." Said Gunn bitterly, looking down at the floor.
Angel glared at him, "DON'T say that..." He growled.
"Why not, man? You heard what the Doctor said...a coma like this - no chance of waking..." Said Gunn, brutally honest to a fault. A soul in need crying out for help and the Powers That Be used Cordelia as their messenger. The visions were Angel's. His, no-one elses. They'd help him towards his redemption - when what good would it be anyway, without her there to share it?
"She'll wake up." Said Angel quietly.
"Why, because YOU say so? What are you gonna do? Fold time, maybe?" Yelled Gunn, "Have an epiphany, KILL the Powers That Be? This is ALL your fault...if you hadn't made her..."
"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Fred stepped between the two men, her eyes red and puffy, "You're NOT helping Cordelia here by arguing. You're not helping any of us - if you cared about her at all you'd...you'd...I dunno what you'd do but it WOULDN'T be this!" She yelled.
Gunn shrank back and looked at Angel apologetically, "Sorry..." He grumbled, "Just can't believe Cordy's laid up and...ain't nothin' we can do about it..."
***
"SURPRISE!"
Cordelia yelped as her friends jumped out from behind the counter, dropping her shopping bags immediately and looking round the hotel, "Wow!" She laughed, "Oh...this is beautiful...oh!!!" Cordelia hugged her friends as they handed out greeting cards to her, "This is wonderful!" She giggled happily. Angel beamed as he stood back, "Open Angel's present first!" Gushed Fred, pointing towards Angel and grinning.
Cordelia went over to him, taking the small box from him and reaching up, kissing him softly, "Thanks Angel." She smiled. Angel nodded, worried in case she didn't like the gift. When she opened the box, Cordelia gasped. The silver necklace glinted in the comparative light of the hotel, the small diamonds catching the light and painting pretty rainbow colours on the wall that Connor seemed fascinated by. The pique of the necklace tapered in, surrounded by a beautiful design that Cordelia had never seen before. "Where did you get this?" She asked softly.
"My mother used to wear one." Said Angel, softly. "It's an old Irish folklore tale but...wearing this is supposed to..."
Angel faltered for a second and Cordelia prompted him gently, "Supposed to what?" She asked.
"Bring luck and good health to a mother." He whispered.
Cordelia gasped, "A-Angel?" She whispered, puzzled.
"Look on the back." He explained. On the back was an inscription, Cordelia noticed, as she turned it over. "To Mommy, love Connor." She read, tears welling up in her eyes.
***
"Angel, it wasn't your fault." Said Fred, but Angel wasn't listening.
***
Reaching up, she went to wrap her arms around his neck, to kiss him properly, like she should. "I lov..."
And then it hit. Her scream pierced the silence of the hotel and Angel's stomach knotted. "Cordelia." Her body tensed up, Angel caught her before she slammed to the floor, her body convulsing over and over. He couldn't hold her. Her body twisted out of his arms and crashed to the floor...Angel had never hated the smell of blood so much, when he realised she'd cracked her head open...nothing serious, well, not as serious as the vision that...should have ended...
They waited for the vision to stop...until finally, Angel had to admit it. Cordelia wasn't waking up...Wesley called an ambulance and they went to LA General...
Angel stood back, numbly. Has she been taking anything? No. Allergic reaction? No. What, then? They'd have had him committed had he told the real reason. Pulling her records up they'd proclaimed it another psychotic episode. But this time, she wasn't awake. Comatose. The convulsions had stopped of their own accord and his Seer had slipped into...peace? Her own idea of Heaven perhaps? His Cordelia was never waking up again...unless he did something.
***
"Angel, what are you doing?"
Angel wasn't even aware he'd moved...but he had. He'd crossed the room, gathering ingredients for the spell to visit the Oracles. "I'll fix this." He stated, leaving the hotel.
"Think he mighta just had an epiphany?" Asked Gunn quietly.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I come before the Oracles for Guidance and Direction, I beseech access to the Knowing Ones..."
~Part: 2~
"What do you want, Lower Being." The man at the Oracles stood, glaring at Angel disparagingly. The couple were new, having replaced the others that were killed by Vocah - but the man, still obnoxious, was staring Angel down...
"My Seer." Said Angel, broken, "M-my friend...she's...she's..."
"She's visiting the Powers right now. This is not your concern."
Angel growled, "NOT my concern?" He asked, "NOT MY CONCERN? She's my best friend..."
"And it isn't your concern. She must make the decision herself."
"Decision? What decision?" Asked Angel.
"I think you misunderstand." Replied the Woman, "This ISN'T your concern. Your redemption...you must work for it. Demanding things from us does not earn you points with the Powers That Be. Your Seer will be returned..." She paused, "If she so wishes it."
Angel paled, "If she WISHES it? What do you mean?"
"Your question has been answered."
Angel was removed from the Chambers of the Oracles, left wondering what his best friend was being offered...and indeed, if she would return...
* * * * *
"Kyerumption." Said Fred, sadly. "I was sure of it, and then I'd never *been* more sure. And then they took her away from him."
"She'll be okay." Said Wesley softly, hoping that he was right.
Fred shook her head, "In Pylea, looking on the bright side was all I had. Then, Angel saved me from the Monsters and I got...a new family. I still have my old one but...I got a new one. And Cordelia was like my sister or...at least a good friend. Now, she's...she's gone." Whispered Fred.
The door shut quietly, making Fred look up at her friend. "No Cordelia?" She asked, softly.
Angel shook his head, "No Cordelia. They told me that I had to work for my redemption...is this punishment?" He turned yellow, angry eyes on Wesley. "Is this my punishment? Take something else from me that I love?"
"Angel. Calm down." Said Wesley, "Acting like this won't help us."
"I know what it is." Angel's voice was suddenly calm, "When I was happy with Buffy, they took my soul away and now I'm happy with Cordelia they...they've taken my life away." He said quietly, "They've taken her and I don't know how to get her back."
"Maybe this isn't your fight, Angel. Did you ever think of that?" Asked Gunn, "Maybe this is HER fight, something she has to do alone without having Hero Guy rush in to save her every time."
"Are you jealous?" Asked Angel, coldly.
Gunn sighed, "No, I'm not jealous but...Angel, every time there's been a problem, you've been there. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing I just think...some stuff happens for a reason, y'know?"
"Like Alonna?"
Gunn's temper flared, "Take that back." He spat, jumping to his feet, ready to fight his friend for that comment alone.
Angel looked at him, staring him down for a while before retreating, "I didn't mean that." He said, honestly, "And maybe you're right...I just don't like the idea of her fighting this thing alone."
"What would she do if you weren't here?" Asked Fred, gently, attempting a timid smile.
Angel sighed.
* * * * * * * * * * *
"Okay, I don't remember there being portals. There weren't any of Lorne's relatives close at hand...and Fred wasn't speaking in any language other than English...where the hell am I?" Muttered Cordelia, holding her head. The blood trickled down the nape of her neck, making her wince.
"Good afternoon."
Cordelia turned at the voice, looking at an old woman who smiled at her. "Uh...hey." Said Cordelia, "Where am I?"
"Where you are is not important." Said the woman, her voice soft. "Why you are here is...the matter at hand."
Cordelia frowned, "Cryptic much? Why not tell me why and how I came to be here and then let me go...I was kind of in the middle of something."
"Silence." The woman's voice stunned Cordelia into submission. So strong, powerful. "You are a Seer, are you not?"
"I'm ALSO a person." Said Cordelia, frowning. "But yeah, I haben der sucky visions...why am I here?"
The woman pointed at the door, "You have an appointment."
Cordelia sighed, stepping through it.
Skip looked at her and smiled, "Hey. You're Cordelia, right?" He asked.
"Y-yeah. I don't remember you though." Said Cordelia, looking at him and her surroundings. "Where am I?"
Skip smiled, "I guess you've got loads of questions, huh?" He asked, "It'll all be answered, if what we show you isn't enough to let you know what'll happen."
Cordelia was puzzled, "What do you mean?"
* * * * * * * * * *
"Angel?" Wesley looked at his friend who was sitting there, head resting on one hand. "What are you doing?" Asked the ex-Watcher. In his hand, Angel held the box that Cordelia's necklace had been in. She lay in the hospital, her hand wrapped around it - having been unable to wrench it from her grasp, Angel had left it there.
"I've been thinking...without Cordy here...what do I do?" Asked Angel, numbly, "I mean...we wait on her visions to guide us in who needs help and if...if she's not here then, what? We do nothing?"
Wesley sighed, "Angel...Cordelia's visions help, but they aren't your lifeline...there are other things you could be doing."
"You're right." Replied Angel, "But it's turned into something different. I mean, before this...it was just save the damsel in distress, kill the demon, big check in the slay column and then, next vision. But now...it's turned into, killing these things as fast as I can so Cordelia won't hurt and...I'm not sure where I should go next. The visions aren't my lifeline. She is."
"What are you saying?" Wesley regarded his friend with a pensive look, "If something should happen to Cordelia you'd give up everything you've...everything we've worked for?"
Shaking his head, Angel met Wesley's eyes, "I wouldn't give it up. I just wouldn't see the point anymore." He said quietly.
* * * * * * * * * *
"You know how much he relies on your visions?"
"And on me." Said Cordelia, frowning. "That's NOT why he cares about me." She said, shaking her head, looking at Skip.
"Did I say that?" Asked Skip, softly, wondering if this was indeed Cordelia's own insecurities coming to the front.
"He'd do anything for me. He's proved that." Said Cordelia, standing tall.
"I know. But this time, it's what you're willing to do for yourself."
"And again, I say, Cryptic Much?" Cordelia shook her head, "What's going on?"
Skip watched Cordelia for a second, the brunette was slightly nervous, but more angry he would wager. Angry at being taken from her family. "What's the one thing in your life you could live without?"
Cordelia was a little puzzled by the question, but answered honestly, "Angel being punished for things he's already paid for." She said simply, maintaining eye contact with Skip.
"What about the visions?"
"What about them?" Asked Cordelia, "They're a part of who I am, a part of what helps Angel. I could live without the pain, yeah, but not the visions. Angel needs them." The second the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them. She knew Angel needed her too, he'd proven that only minutes earlier...or...however long ago it was she'd left the Hyperion, it felt like months.
Skip avoided her eyes, "Visions are meant for those with something to atone for. Always a good person, never evil...or should I amend that to...a good demon, one who keeps the balance."
"I don't understand." Said Cordelia, shaking her head, "I'm not a demon...I do have things to atone for but...I'm not a demon."
"Precisely." Said Skip quietly.
Cordelia paled. "What are you saying, the visions are being taken from me because I'm not a demon?" She asked, "That's...that's...humanism!"
"You misunderstand." Said Skip, "They're giving you the choice of whether you wish to keep the visions or not."
"You heard me." Said Cordelia, "I wouldn't give them up. I said it in the other dimension, I'll say it here AGAIN too. I won't give up the visions."
Skip sighed, "And what if you *had* to?"
"Had to?"
"Had to."
"Why would I have to?" She asked quietly.
"Surely you've noticed that the strain the visions is putting you under is taking its toll?" Asked Skip.
"Well...sure...but...I mean, they're not killing me, right?"
Skip stayed silent.
"They're killing me?" Asked Cordelia, her voice hushed to a whisper. "What's my choice then?" She asked, "You said they're giving me the choice of whether I keep the visions, so...I just go back to Angel, visionless and fancy free?" She looked down at her hand. In it, she held the necklace Angel had given her...she squeezed it for comfort and looked up at Skip as he spoke...
"Not exactly..."
~Part: 3~
"Where are you going?" Wesley rounded the corner just as Angel was about to leave the hotel, "The hospital?"
Angel shook his head, "I'll go there later..."
"What about now, Angel? What's going on?" Fear and trepidation filled the ex-Watcher's senses as he stared at his friend, "ANGEL!"
Broken out of his reverie, Angel turned, "Patrol." He said quietly, "I'm going on patrol. I have to do something...I have to *hit* something. I can't sit around here and wait for...God only knows what."
Wesley sighed, nodding, "Be careful."
"Always am."
When Angel turned and left, Fred came out of the office, shaking her head, "Where's he going?" She asked.
"Patrol."
"Patrol?"
Wesley nodded again, "I think he thinks that he should be out there...doing something or...hitting something at least."
Fred nodded, "I get that...I could use something to hit myself."
Wesley watched her for a second and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around her, "She'll be alright..."
"But what if she's not?"
* * * * *
"Angelus...fancy seeing you here." The vampire dropped the young girl he'd been feeding from. She could have been no more than 19 or 20.
"The name's Angel." He growled.
"Ah, yes, vampire with a soul - working with *humans*..." Spat the vampire, distastefully, "You should be staked for that alone."
"Try me."
As quickly as the vampire stepped forward, the stake was imbedded in his chest. Angel stood for a while, just staring at the dust that swirled around him in the night air. Slowly, he sat down on the cement floor of the back alley, burying his face in his hands. He didn't cry. Wasn't sure that he could, just sat there for a while, staring at nothing, wondering what his life would be witout her...
* * * * *
"How can you ask me this?" Asked Cordelia, quietly, clutching the necklace so hard she thought she might snap it.
"It would be unfair not to give you the choice."
"It's unfair GIVING me the choice!" Yelled Cordelia, "You can't honestly stand there and say to me either I die with the visions or I give them up and I lose Angel." She shook her head, turning away from Skip.
"You have nothing to atone for."
"Yes, I do." Said Cordelia.
Skip shook his head, "Are you taking on his redemption or your own?"
Cordelia frowned, "I want to go home." She said quietly.
"I don't think you understand. If you keep the visions, you die."
"And I don't think you understand what you're asking me." Said Cordelia, softly, "You're asking me to give up my fri...you're asking me to give up my family. How can I give them up?"
"I could show you." Said Skip, looking at Cordelia.
"Show me what?"
"What your life would be like..."
"I don't want to see it." Said Cordelia, shaking her head.
"But maybe you need to...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Ms. Chase." Cordelia stood, watching as a maid came into view, "Ms. Chase, he's here..."
There she was. Her future self maybe? Standing, what *had* to be Gucci clothes of some kind, draped across her body. Even Cordelia had to admit she looked glamourous. Cordelia watched as...who was she? Should she call her Me? Or...Me Over There or...
Okay, so she watched. She watched as her future self crossed to the door, a barrage of friends walking through - and tears slid down Cordelia's cheeks as she realised that this was just like High School, before Buffy and Xander. Having everyone clamouring around you *just* to be in the popular zone and not caring what you thought or felt, not really anyway. So long as they could do the same as you did to look cool, then it was all okay. Cordelia closed her eyes, "I've seen enough." She said quietly.
Skip glanced at her, "You've made your decision then?"
"Send me home, visions and all."
"But..."
"You heard what I said." Said Cordelia quietly, "I choose Angel. I choose the visions. I choose my friends. How long do I have left with them?"
"A couple of years, five at most."
"Then it's better than nothing." Said Cordelia, "I'd rather have the next five years of my life *knowing* I belong somewhere, belong *with* somebody. Than have nothing...than have people who pretend to be my friend. I want to go home."
Skip sighed, "Once you make this decision, you can never turn back."
Cordelia nodded, "I'd never want to." She said honestly.
* * * * * * * *
She woke up in the hospital, still clinging to the necklace Angel had given her and when she looked down, he sat, his head in his hands. "It would have been better seeing your face when I woke up." She said, softly.
Angel's head snapped up, "Cordelia! A-are you alright...you're alright...right? I mean...what happened?" He asked, panicked.
Cordelia smiled, "Nothing." She said softly, "Nothing happened, I'm fine...can we go home?"
~Part: 4~
"Maybe we should turn this birthday party into a Welcome Home Party." Said Gunn, smiling as Cordelia walked through the door, on Angel's arm.
Cordelia looked down at him and grinned, "Does that mean I get more presents?"
"Where were you?" Asked Fred, coming up the steps to hug her friend. "I mean...what were you doing?"
Cordelia forced a smile onto her face, "Nothing...that vision just knocked it out of me, that's all. Angel had all the tests done and everything, make sure my brain wasn't fried and...I'm fine."
"You've said that already." Said Angel.
Cordelia ignored him. Her friends laughed and joked with her, all but Angel, spending the next twenty minutes letting Cordelia open her presents, until Wesley caught the pensive look on Angel's face as he stared at the young woman before him. "Uhm...how about Ice Cream?"
"Oh, we have some in the refri..."
"No, we don't." Interrupted Wesley, glancing apologetically at Fred, "Come on...a party wouldn't be a party without ice cream."
He stood at the door, waiting for Gunn. "Gunn!" He hissed.
"What, you need an escort to the Ice Cream parlour?"
Wesley, almost discreetly, gestured to Angel and Cordelia, when Gunn stood up, nodding, "Sure, wouldn't trust you with a big job like getting ice cream..."
Cordelia giggled as the sound of, "Ha, bloody, ha..." Filtered back through into the office. She glanced over at Angel, "Okay, Grrr guy, spill." She said simply, "You have something face and by the looks...it's not something nice."
"What happened?" He asked again.
"I already told you, NOTHING HAPPENED. Jeez, I can't say it any more clearer than that."
"You're lying to me."
"I am not."
"Are too."
"Am not!"
"ARE TOO!"
"Am no...Angel, I'm not playing this dumb little game with you, nothing happened."
"Cordelia..." His voice was low, dangerous, something was wrong - he could tell, it was radiating from her in waves and it actually hurt that she wouldn't tell him what the problem was.
Reaching up, Cordelia nervously fingered the necklace, "Nothing happened." She whispered, her voice hushed.
Angel placed a hand on her shoulder, nervously, "Is it really that bad?" He asked quietly.
Cordelia turned away from him, tears sliding down her cheeks. "No it's..." Her breath caught in her throat, a loud sob escaping from her mouth.
"What did you do?" Asked Angel, fear twisting his gut. "WHAT DID YOU DO?" He yelled.
"I CHOSE YOU!" She whirled round on him and shook her head, "I CHOSE YOU! I was given the option and I chose you!"
Angel stared at her, "You chose me over what?" He asked quietly. Tears were dripping down her cheeks, "Don't." She said, shaking her head, "Don't make this out to be a bad decision or a mistake. Because it isn't."
"What happened?" Angel's voice was devoid of all emotion, if he was human, his heart would surely be beating ninety to the dozen right now, his pulse racing...he was sure that his chest was tightening with every unneeded breath he took. She'd chosen him...normally, it might have made him happy...but what exactly had she chosen him over?
"They...remember Skip? Skip said he knew you." Cordelia sat down, numbly. She'd promised herself she'd stay strong, not tell anyone of her decisions.
"Yeah, I know Skip." Said Angel, numbly.
"Well...he gave me the choice. If...if I kept the visions...I'd be able to stay with you." She whispered.
He didn't want to ask this, "And if you gave them up?"
"I'd get varicose veins, lose my sight and get to draw my crappy Pension State Fund..." She muttered.
Angel looked at her, puzzled, "What?"
"Angel, please, don't..." She pleaded, "Don't make me say it when you already know."
"Don't make you say what?"
"Are you always this dumb?" She asked quietly, "You *know* what I'm talking about."
Annoyed, Angel pulled her up by the arms, making her look at him, "WHAT DID YOU DO?"
She pushed him away, forcefully, "I'm dying!" She yelled, "HAPPY NOW? These stupid sucky visions that I didn't even ask for in the first place are killing me! In five years, I'm gonna be dead! They gave me the choice of giving them up and I said NO, I chose YOU! I could give them up if I forfeited my memories of you and I didn't want to!"
Angel stumbled. He actually fell against his desk. "Wh-what? Why would you do that?" He asked, his eyes ablaze with anger, "You chose ME over your own life?" He growled. "WHY?"
Cordelia shook her head, "You don't even get it, do you?" She asked. "My whole damned life I've only ever fit in ONE place, Angel, ONE. And that's here, with you. In Sunnydale, I was the Rich Bitch, Queen of Mean and nobody GOT that that whole thing was just a front. Here...here I'm..." Cordelia started to cry, "I'm Cordy." She whispered, "She makes sense to me. She's the me that...in Sunnydale, I only ever let one person have a glimpse of and he ended up trampling all over her. Angel, how can I give up my family, my friends, when I just found you?" She asked sadly.
"You're going to." Said Angel, grabbing her by the arm and frog-marching her to the door, "I WON'T have you dying, not for me, I'm not worth it." He growled.
Cordelia pulled away from him again, "Even if I want to - I can't take it back!" She yelled.
Angel reached out and pulled her towards him, his game face sliding on, "Am I worth it?" He growled, sickly yellow eyes boring into hers.
"Stop it..." She whispered.
"Am I? Am I worth it knowing that at any day I could snap...and kill you anyway..."
"Stop it!" Said Cordelia, more forcefully.
"Is he worth it? Angelus? Think carefully, Cordelia..." He spat.
"YOU'RE NOT HIM!" Cordelia punched him, hard, making his human face slide back on. "You're Angel! GRRR face or not, you're Angel! You'll always BE Angel!" She yelled.
Angel shrank back. "Why?" He whispered, "Why would you choose me over you?"
"Because I'm as selfish as you all think I am." She whispered, tears sliding down her cheeks.
"What?" Angel looked at her as she sagged back against the counter, her shoulders slumped forward, defeatedly.
"Because I'm as selfish as you all think I am." She repeated, "I didn't do this for you, Angel. I did it for me. Because...I'd rather have another 5 years of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special...and you, my friends, my family...I can't live without."
Angel closed his eyes and shook his head, "Cordelia...please...don't do this. Take it back..."
"No."
"Please."
"No."
~Part: 5~
"Vanilla." Wesley looked up at Fred who had spoken one word...who was staring at the puddle of ice cream on the floor.
"What?" He asked.
"Vanilla." Said Fred again, "I've been thinking of types of ice cream, what kind I am. I'm vanilla. Plain, normal...plain."
Wesley sighed, "Yes, but a favourite." He said softly. The friends were hushed, Cordelia was in the office, talking and occasionally yelling at Angel when he yelled at her.
"Cordelia's...Chocolate Chip."
Gunn looked at her, "How come?"
"Because...it's already pretty...but if you look closer, you see all the bits that you can only see if you're given the chance to get close...it's those bits that make her special." Tears welled up in Fred's eyes, "How can...how can she be dying? This is Cordelia."
* * * * * *
"Cordelia, please..." Begged Angel, a strained look on his face, "Please, take it back..."
"I've told you, I can't." Said Cordelia, gently.
The door opened, Fred came bounding down the steps, a large tub of Raspberry Ripple ice cream in her arms, "Hey, we got Rasp..." Her voice caught in her throat. Cordelia had been crying - mascara running down her cheeks. Angel looked as if his world had been taken away from him. The tub of ice cream crashed to the floor, slipping from Fred's hands. "What?" She whispered, "What's going on?"
Cordelia rubbed her eyes tiredly, "I...I have something to tell you guys."
Wesley, who had come in after Fred along with Gunn, felt his jaw tighten, "What's wrong?"
Cordelia closed her eyes, "I...I was given a gift." She whispered. "I was given a family. I was given friends, and a son. And then, I was given the opportunity to give it all up in exchange for the one thing that...they see...as the bane of my life."
"The visions?" Asked Wesley, knowing the answer before he even asked it.
Cordelia nodded and opened her eyes, "The visions." She said softly. "They told me that..."
"Are you dying?" Gunn's question took Cordelia off guard, but she met his eyes nonetheless and shook her head, "Not today." She whispered, "Not tomorrow...or next week. I have time...I have my family, that's all I need."
"We knew." Whispered Fred, "We could see they were wearing you down...you knew too..."
Cordelia sighed, "I guess I did know. I guess I just didn't know how much." Putting her head down, Cordelia let the tears fall. "I'm sorry." She whispered, "I didn't want to tell you guys...it would have been easier if..."
"If what? You dealt with this alone?" Wesley walked across to her and wrapped his arms around her, "You would never have had to deal with this alone." He said softly but sternly, "We're in this together, we're a family."
"You can't take it back?" Asked Fred, her eyes meeting Cordelia's.
Cordelia shook her head, "I couldn't even if I wanted to."
"How long?"
"Five years..." She lied. Why make them feel worse than they already did? "Look, I know you guys are angry at me but...this was my choice. I made it because it was the right thing to do."
"You dying is the right thing to do? Explain to me how that works." Said Gunn, frowning.
"Because I get to stay with you guys. I get to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Wow, all five years." Gunn wouldn't look up, wouldn't meet any of his friends eyes.
"Cordelia, we'll find a cure. There must be something...perhaps, if we were to take..."
"NO. You aren't taking the visions." Said Cordelia, shaking her head, "I'm not giving them away, I won't."
"Why?"
"Because." She said simply.
"Because of Doyle?" This was the first Angel had spoke since his friends had returned. "Because he could deal with them? Cordelia, he was a demon and..."
"So!" Yelled Cordelia, "What, I get punished because I'm not a demon..."
"YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!" Yelled Angel, "Don't you get that?"
"I get it..." She whispered, "But I don't care. Skip showed me, what my life was like and you know what it was?" She asked, her voice breaking. "High School all over again, Cordelia the Rich Bitch, friends that only cared because they were in the popular zone not because of me. How could I give up what I had?" She asked.
"Because you're DYING!"
"Angel, it doesn't matter how many times you say it...it probably isn't going to sink in, not just yet but...I'll always know."
"Always know what?" Asked Fred, her voice hushed.
"That I made the right decision." Tears dripped onto her shirt, "I'm sorry." She whispered, "I love you guys...I wasn't willing to give you up."
* * * * * *
It was funny how silence could seem so loud. So deafening. They sat inches and worlds apart, neither saying a word, unable to. Angel could hear Fred, Wesley and Gunn - unsure whether enhanced vampiric hearing was a blessing or not. "How much do you hate me right now?" Her soft voice broke into Angel's reverie and he looked at her.
"Cordelia, I..."
"Do you realise that's probably the first time you've used that?"
"What?"
"My full name." She smiled softly - and Angel hated her for it. How could she keep smiling? How could she pretend everything was fine when their world had fallen into a tailspin?
"I don't hate you." He whispered, shaking his head. "It's impossible to hate someone you love so much. Cordelia I...I always thought I'd outlive you." He said softly, meeting her eyes. "I always knew that you and the others wouldn't be here forever. But..."
Cordelia sighed, "Angel, you don't have to say this...I know..."
"No, you don't." He shook his head, "You really don't. I always knew I'd outlive you. I expected it. Doyle was..." Angel met her eyes, "How can I wake up every morning without you here? How can I go through the day without you yelling at me because I'm brooding? Or because I have pensive face? Cordelia...the visions...I don't care about them. If you're not here, my redemption means..."
"Everything." Cordelia interrupted. "Angel, I won't let you give this up. You've worked too long and too hard for it."
"Why aren't you mad at me? You're dying because of me." He said, shaking his head. "You should be mad at me."
"Yeah, well, I'm a great humanitarian..." She smiled, raising her eyebrows.
Angel shook his head, "It hasn't sunk in yet, has it?" He asked softly.
Cordelia nodded, "Right again, broody..." She smiled, "I'm okay though...I'm okay."
"But you haven't accepted it?"
Cordelia shrugged, "I just...want to make sure you guys will be okay without me."
He couldn't lie. He couldn't lie to her - and yet he couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth either. Angel put his head down...his mind going back to almost a year ago...
** ** ** **
"I-I saw the light at the end of the tunnel - that some day I might become human. That light was so bright, I thought I was already out."
Cordelia sat down next to him with a sigh, "Yeah, we all got a little cocky, didn't we? It's gonna be a long while until you work your way out. But I know you well enough to know you *will*. And I'll be with you until you do."
"What about your inevitable stardom?" Asked Angel, a small smile on his face.
"I'm not saying I won't have a day job."
** ** ** **
Angel looked at her and shook his head, pulling her into his arms. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm so sorry..."
Cordelia cried.
~Part: 6~
"How is she?" Asked Wesley, glancing at his friend. Angel looked up from the book he was reading, "It sank in a little while ago." He said quietly, "While she was feeding Connor..."
"And?"
"And what?"
Wesley shook his head, "Has she...is she going to try and take back her decision?"
Angel's eyes darkened, "No." He said quietly, "I wish she would, Wes, really I do. I don't want to see her die...but..."
"Either way we lose Cordelia." Said the Ex-Watcher, gently, "At least this way, we get more time with her."
"Is it selfish?" Asked Angel.
Wesley nodded, "Yes. But we're all thinking the same way unfortunately...anything in the book?"
Angel shook his head sombrely, "Nothing." He said, "Nothing at all. Don't even mention visions..."
"Try this one." Angel was tossed another book by Wesley, "We'll find something."
* * * * * * * * * *
The rain slammed at the window panes, making Cordelia wince. Rain. Fitting weather. She was dying. Dying. She was 20 years old and dying. She didn't blame Angel for it, had made sure he *knew* that. Made sure that when she asked to be alone he knew that she wasn't pushing him away. Her eyes drifted over to her son, asleep, next to her on the bed. Cordelia sighed. "I love you..." She whispered, "I love your Daddy too...even if he's a dork sometimes."
In the doorway, stood Fred, watching her. "Can...can I come in?" She asked.
Cordelia nodded and sat up, "Sure."
"I...I wanted to ask you something."
"Fire away."
"A-are you scared? Because I'm scared for you and I'm not the one who's...well, y'know..."
Cordelia shook her head, "I'm not scared."
"You're not?"
"No."
"You're much, much braver than me...how can you not be scared?"
"Well..." Cordelia thought for a second, "I don't remember coming into this world." She said softly, "So I probably won't remember going out of it..."
"That makes sense." Said Fred, nodding.
"Aren't you angry?"
"A little."
"At Angel?"
"No."
"Doyle?"
"No."
"Who then?"
"No one, not really." Said Cordelia, "I'm a little angry because...I won't get to see him grow up." She gestured to Connor, "I'm angry because...I shouldn't have told you."
"Why?"
"Because now you all hurt."
"Were those people in Sunnydale stupid? Or blind?"
"Ye...what?"
"Well...they all said you were selfish...that girl, Buffy, the one Angel loved ages ago...she said you were selfish."
"Buffy said I was selfish?"
"Yeah, a long time ago. She said you'd changed."
"Buffy said I'd CHANGED?"
"Yeah. She said you were good for Angel."
"BUFFY SAID I WAS GOOD FOR ANGEL?"
"Why are you repeating everything I'm saying?"
"Oh...sorry...just..." Cordelia shook her head, "Can't believe Buffy said that..."
Fred smiled, "Well, she did. I didn't know you back then but...I like you now." She said softly, "You're kind of like my big sister..."
"I like you too." Cordelia smiled, "And you're kinda like the...not so annoying little sister I never had."
Fred smiled, "Can Gunn come in and talk to you?"
Cordelia nodded, "Sure."
Fred left and smiled at Gunn on the way out, "She's okay..." She whispered.
Entering the room, Gunn had to see for himself, "Hey Barbie..."
"If I wasn't currently tangled in bedsheets, I'd *so* kick your ass." She grinned.
Gunn studied her face for a while and sat down on the bed next to her, "Y'know...if you wanna...take your frustrations out on someone, I'm here..."
"Uhm...as much as I...uhm...love you...I don't really wanna get...y'know...groiny with you..."
"I meant if you wanted to hit me!" Laughed Gunn, shaking his head.
Cordelia shook her head, "I don't want to hurt you." She said, a mischevious glint in her eyes.
"Like you could! One hit from me and you'd snap, Stick Figure Barbie..." Gunn laughed again, thinking it was actually nice seeing her smile.
Cordelia smiled sweetly, "Bite me."
* * * * *
"It's been a few month now, since I told them." Said Cordelia, clutching the phone to her ear, "But...every so often, I catch him staring at me."
"Let me guess, the look?"
Cordelia smiled, "The look."
"The Brooding 'I'm So Sorry' look."
"Yeah...I hate seeing him like that."
"I know...it's hard."
"Hardest."
"How about you though...are you okay?" Asked Buffy softly. "Uhm...any visions darkening your day?"
"Just one. Head splitting...Angel wanted to stay, I wouldn't let him."
"Think they'll find a cure?" Asked Buffy, twirling the phone cord round her fingers. She and Cordelia had talked a few times on the phone. Once face to face when Buffy had gone to LA.
"I'm not sure. Trying not to get my hopes up too much..."
"I guess that's the sensible thing to do...Cordelia?"
"What?"
"I'm glad, you know..."
"Of what?"
"That you...that you can talk to me...I mean, I know we weren't friends in Sunnydale and...yeah, your being with Angel bothered me a little bit...and the whole Connor thing I don't think I'll ever get...but...I'm glad."
"So am I...it's nice to have someone that I can talk to about this stuff...someone *else* I mean."
"How are the others?"
"Okay...I hear Fred crying sometimes, but she never lets me see. And Gunn does the hard man act that...I still can't break through. I think he's kinda angry at Angel still."
"Still?"
"Yeah...they haven't argued in front of me but...they've argued...it's kinda hard being in the same room as them..."
"Animosity high, huh?"
"Highest." Cordelia shook her head, "How's Xander and Spike getting along?"
Buffy groaned, "Don't even get me STARTED on those two. They can't even BE in the same room together without bitching...I wish they'd just kill each other and be done with it."
"Did Xander go for the whole 'Spike being the Best Man' thing?"
"Well, it was either him, or Willy the Snitch. Xander's male friend numberage is kinda on the low front."
"What about Oz?"
"I think...not...everything that's happening with Tara and Willow would just complicate even more..."
"Still bad, huh?" Asked Cordelia.
Buffy sighed, "You must think I'm such a bitch...talking about this stuff..."
"No...it's...nice."
"Nice?"
"Yeah, it means I don't have to think of anything else..." Cordelia's sentence was cut short as Angel burst into the office clutching yet another book, "We have it!" He yelled, "We have it!"
Cordelia dropped the phone in fright, "Damnit Angel, you have WHAT?"
"Your cure."
~Part: 7~
"Give me a second?" The request was simple. She needed a moment alone. "Buffy?" Picking up the phone, Cordelia apologised, "Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back, okay?"
"What? Cordelia, is everything..."
She hung up. Cordelia watched as Angel left and sat down at the desk for a couple of seconds. They had a cure. A cure. Breathing in and out deeply, Cordelia's last breath was one she sucked in and held. ~It'sgonnawork, it'sgonnawork...~
Hopeful eyes turned on the pretty brunette as she stepped out of the office. "Hey." She said softly.
"We...we have a cure." Fred spoke up before anyone else did.
"I heard." Cordelia chose her words carefully, she didn't want to hurt her friends, but she didn't want to accept this if it...if it was something she didn't want.
"Don't you want it?"
"It's not that, it's just..."
"You need to know the details." Said Wesley, nodding, "That's understandable..."
Cordelia nodded, sitting down in a chair and looking at him. "So...details?" She asked softly.
"When Doyle...died..." Wesley's voice was soft, soothing, he didn't want to cause his friend pain over her own friends death. "He passed the visions onto you, through a kiss."
"That didn't work...I even tried kissing Barney to get rid of them." She said, distastefully.
"The...Purple Dinasour?" Asked Fred, a little stunned. "You tried to give a purple dinasour visions?"
Angel smiled, "Barney was an empathic demon."
"Oh..." Said Fred, blushing slightly.
"There's a chance that, this mightn't work." Continued Wesley, softly, kneeling next to Cordelia, his hand placed over hers, comforting. "When Doyle died...he kissed someone that, by all accounts, he was in love with. His gift in death was the greatest thing he had in life to the person he already loved. It made sense that perhaps, he passed them to you, his...soulmate..."
Cordelia's eyes filled with tears. "His...soulmate?"
"It seems that way. By all accounts...these things are not easy to pass..."
"So, I have to be dying, I have to have a soulmate...and I have to give them up? I...I can't. I can't give them up. Not to someone else." Cordelia shook her head, "I'm sorry..."
"Cordelia, wait." Angel had studied her face intently the whole time, wondering what she'd say to the news of Doyle, of what she'd been told. "We've found something else."
"What? That this is some part of a Prophecy that *I* must take part in? Com-shukking with a less-than-gorgeous demon and handing my visions over?"
"You thought Groo was gorgeous?" Asked Angel, suddenly jealous.
"Way to stay focused, man." Accused Gunn. "Cor, listen to Wes...please?"
Cordelia sighed, "I'm listening."
"We don't know when or...where...you'll...uhm...actually..." Wesley stopped.
"Wesley, you can say it." Said Cordelia gently.
"Actually...I can't..." He said apologetically. Cordelia looked at him and smiled, gently. "It's okay..."
"We can never know for sure when it's going to happen." He said, "We found something...that...it isn't normal. It doesn't involve you becoming demon. It doesn't involve giving up the visions completely but it *does* involve you sacrificing something."
"And...what's that?"
"Your...well, your freedom, basically."
"HUH?"
"I've examined all the texts and tomes I could find. This is our best chance at...at...well..."
"Keeping me alive? But...how?"
"Do you love Angel?"
"What?"
"Do you?"
Cordelia nodded, "Of course I do."
"Are you *in* love with him?"
"Yes." She met his eyes.
Wesley smiled, "You've already given up life for him." He said gently.
Turning to Angel, Wesley spoke, "Are you *in* love with Cordelia?"
"Yes."
"So much you'd be willing to lose your soul? Enough for...perfect happiness?"
Angel nodded. "Yes."
Cordelia winced, slightly taken aback though, "P-perfect happiness?" She whispered.
Angel, sitting next to her, took her hand in his own. "If we do this...it means, sharing the visions. You won't lose them, you'd be sharing them, with me."
"I don't understand..." Cordelia was puzzled, "How...?"
"Do you believe in soulmates?" Asked Angel, looking at her. "The souls...they have to be compatible, have to be certain that they could stay...joined."
"Joined?" Cordelia looked at him, "Like...how?"
Angel looked at her, "We'd...make love." He said, his voice hushed to a whisper. "And right after, before I lose my soul, I'd feed from you. Not enough to kill you...or hurt you seriously...but enough. We'd mix our blood together and both drink and the bond would be formed. You wouldn't become a vampire...or even demon. But the visions would be shared..."
Cordelia gasped, "But...your soul! Angel...no!"
Shaking his head, Angel placed a hand upon her cheek, "You'd be my anchor to this world. As long as there was an us, my soul would be anchored. Angelus couldn't return. I'd share your visions, only..."
"Only what?" Asked Cordelia, quietly.
"You'd have my memories, as I would have yours. It won't just be our souls that are joined. It would be our minds, our hearts...our spirits."
* * * * *
"I wonder what's going on in there." Said Fred, softly.
Wesley shook his head, "This is a big step, for the two of them..."
* * * * *
"We have to be certain, that our souls are compatible." Said Angel, "But I know that, I've never loved anything more than I have than the woman I see before me. I never believed in, meant for each other...until now. Until I see you, sitting before me, chewing nervously on a nail...and yet still smiling. That smile."
Cordelia was puzzled, "Angel, I'm frowning."
"Not that smile. The one behind your eyes. The light. It's like a permanent smile. I know I love you. I know that...that I could NEVER wish for someone better. If you don't want to do this, I understand but..."
"I do. But I'm scared." A look of fear shone in Cordelia's eyes, "What if it doesn't work? You'll give everything up for me? What about your Shanshu?"
Angel smiled, "The day that comes, you'll be by my side, remember?" He asked, "You promised. It'll still come. Only I'll be happier, because you're here."
"Won't it seem a little clynical? Saying we *have* to...uhm...get groiny with one another..."
"No." Said Angel gently, "Because...I get to wake up with you. And when I do? We have the rest of our lives...together. I love you, Cordelia Chase and I'm not willing to give that up."
Angel stared at her, drinking in her scent, her warmth, "If you need some time...to think about it..."
Cordelia nodded, "I do." She whispered, reaching up and hugging him. "Angel, thank you."
"For what?"
"Offering. Understanding. Being here."
"You don't have to thank me."
"Yes. I do." She whispered. "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here at all. And I don't mean the predicament I'm in, before you get all broodworthy on me again." Said Cordelia, "I mean, for being my friend, for...loving me."
Angel smiled, "My pleasure. Really." Gently, he pressed his lips down on hers. "Cordelia?"
"What?"
"I love you."
"I love you too."
Angel smiled. "Always?"
"And always."
He pulled away then, and shooting her one last smile, he left the office...
* * * * *
"How is she?"
"Okay...I think...she'll go for this..." Said Angel, tentatively.
"Really?"
Angel nodded and smiled. "Really." He said softly.
~Part: 8~
"Why?" Asked Buffy.
"Because you're the only Slayer that can survive Angelus. You're the only Slayer that *has* survived Angelus."
"You're sure this will work?"
Wesley sighed slightly, "No. But it's our best shot." He shook his head, "None of us are willing to let her go without a fight."
"And honestly?" Said Buffy, "Neither am I..."
"Perhaps you want to see Angel?" Asked Wesley, gesturing to the office where Angel sat alone. Cordelia had gone home to... Prepare? That word made it sound like a procedure. They'd talked through it for days on end, were all exhausted. Cordelia had been, at first, reluctant - placing more burden on Angel seemed unfair to her but after much deliberation, talks had ceased. Cordelia had relented - it wasn't that she didn't want this, merely that she was scared, terrified of what could happen should something go wrong. Stepping into the office, Buffy's gaze drifted to Angel who sat, bouncing Connor on his knee. "Buffy." He smiled, looking up at her.
At the sound of her voice, Connor turned, babbling slightly and grinning at her. Buffy couldn't help but smile herself, "Like father, like son." She said softly. Angel nodded, "Cordelia says we both brood a lot... And that we both have the same protruding forehead. He doesn't, does he?"
Buffy laughed and sat down in front of him, "H-how are you?" Her voice was soft and when Angel looked up, he smiled at her, "I'm fine."
"Funnily enough, that's Cordelia's favourite line too." Said Buffy, shaking her head.
"I guess I just wish I knew she was sure that this was the right thing. It feels like maybe she doesn't..." Said Angel, looking back at his son.
"You are y'know?" Said Buffy softly.
"What?"
"Doing the right thing."
"Buffy? I need you to do something for me. I need you to promise me something."
Buffy looked at him, nodding, "I know."
"If something happens and..."
"I know." She said again, "And I will. If something goes wrong, I will. You have my word."
"Are you sure?" Asked Angel gently, "I mean..."
"Well, look at it this way," Said Buffy with a grin, "If I don't, I'm sure Spike'll jump at the opportunity."
Angel laughed.
"Angel?" Buffy had stood up to leave and looked down at him again, "I still love you." She said softly, "I always will, y'know? You'll always be a part of me."
A smile passed across Angel's face and he stood, pulling her into his arms amidst the protest of a struggling Connor, "I love you too." He said softly, kissing her forehead.
"Hey, not interrupting anything here, am I?" Cordelia smiled from the doorway. "Cause, y'know, I can go out and come back in again." Buffy stepped forward and wrapped her arms round Cordelia, "Everything's gonna be fine." She whispered in her ear. "Promise."
Cordelia smiled, "Well, duh..." Glancing at Angel and then Connor, she smiled again, "Fred and I are going to take Connor to my apartment, then, I'll come back, is Willow here?"
"All ready with the magics and the Orb of Thesulah as backup." Buffy smiled brightly, "We'll be okay."
Cordelia wished she had Buffy's confidence, her own was rapidly diminishing. "Okay so... You, Willow, Gunn, Wesley and Spike'll be down here when we get back?"
Buffy nodded, "Everything's set up. It'll be fine. Have fun on your date..."
Cordelia managed a small smile, "Uhm...sure..."
"Buffy?" Angel looked at the Slayer, "Could you take Connor into Fred for me?" He asked. Buffy nodded, taking hold of Angel's son, "Uh... Hi..." She smiled, "I'm... Uh..."
"Aunty Buffy." Interjected Cordelia, making Buffy grin.
"Okay, I'll buy that. Aunty Buffy." Buffy clutched Connor to her, who pulled at one of her gold hoop earings, making her laugh, "Grabby hands, huh?"
Cordelia watched Buffy leave the office and looked at Angel, "She looked like she was a natural - wonder how it'll make Spike feel."
"Spike can't have kids."
"YOU did..." Said Cordelia, raising a perfectly shaped eyebrow in his direction and smiling. "Maybe it's just your line of family though..."
"Don't remind me!" Laughed Angel, "I've been trying to disown Spike ever since I met him."
"I BLOODY HEARD THAT!" The voice drifted in from the lobby and Cordelia giggled, "Looks like we're in his bad books, huh?"
Angel shrugged his shoulders, "Nothing new. Are... Are you nervous?"
"You mean in the sense where I don't have bats in my stomach anymore? In the sense where I have like...uh, eagles?" Cordelia sighed, "What if something goes wrong?"
"It won't."
"How do you know?"
"Because I know it won't. We'll be fine."
"Angel, are you sure?" Her eyes met his, "I mean...are you *Sure*?"
"Do you really have to ask?"
"Do you really have to answer a question with a question?"
"Was I?"
"You still are!" She laughed. "Are you sure, Angel?"
"I'm sure."
"Angel?"
"Cordelia?"
"Doing it again!" She admonished, then, her face softened, "I love you."
"I love you too. We'll be fine. I promise."
Cordelia's stomach didn't stop fluttering, "I hope so..." She whispered.
"I know so."
~Part: 9~
"Are you okay?" Angel looked at Cordelia as she came back into the office, having dropped Connor and Fred off at her apartment.
"No." She shook her head, "I have BATS in my stomach. Angel, I'm so nervous... What if this doesn't work?" She asked quietly.
Stepping around the desk he'd been sitting at, Wesley letting him have a reprieve from the lobby, Angel got to her side and gently kissed her temple, trying to soothe her. "Cordelia, we'll be fine."
He saw the look of sadness, apprehension slide across her face, "What's wrong?" He asked.
"You called me Cordelia." She said quietly.
"Uhm... Yeah, that's your name."
"No, it isn't." She shook her head.
Puzzled, Angel looked at her, "What do you mean?"
"Cordy's my name." She said softly, "You only call me Cordelia when you're mad or in full brood mode."
"And I'm in neither." He said, reassuringly, pulling her into his arms. "Listen to me. We're going to get through this. I promise." Angel looked down into dark eyes, "I've made promises before that I didn't keep. I promised to always be there, I wasn't..."
"This isn't exactly confidence instilling..."
"But I promise you now that no matter what, I won't let this fail. I won't let you down." Angel gently touched her cheek, sliding his finger along her jaw, "I love you."
"I love you too, but..."
Angel kissed her, softly, his lips pressed gently on hers. "No more worrying..." He whispered as he pulled back.
Cordelia smiled, "I wasn't... I was going to ask if we could stay in tonight instead of going out... Too nervous." She said honestly.
Angel nodded.
* * * * *
"You're sure this is what you want?" Asked Gunn, looking at Cordelia, worried. "I mean... I know it's the only way but..."
"Nice persuasive speech." She smiled, "Yeah, it's what I want, stop worrying."
"Just wanted to make sure."
"I know."
Buffy stepped forward, "We're right down here, okay? Holler if you need anything. You too Angel."
They both nodded, making their way upstairs, hand-in-hand. Willow stepped over to Buffy who was watching them as they went, whispering, "Are you jealous?"
"Nope." She replied honestly.
"Not even a little bit?"
"Not even a little bit. If they didn't have this hanging over their heads I'd even say I was happy for them."
"But it's CORDELIA." Said Willow, gently.
Buffy smiled, "No... It's Cordy."
* * * * *
When they got upstairs to the room, Cordelia gasped, "Angel... I-I..."
Angel smiled. He'd decorated his room with candles, a bottle of Pepsi lay on the counter, alongside a pizza.
"Pepsi?" She asked, her eyes crinkled up with a smile.
Angel nodded, "Didn't want you to think I was plying you with alcohol." He said with a grin, his hand on the small of her back.
"This is perfect." She smiled, "Feels just like a normal night... With candles."
Noticing the look on his face, Cordelia stepped over to him, "Angel?"
"I didn't want it to feel... Clinical..." He said gently.
Cordelia looked at him and smiled, "It doesn't." She shook her head, "Perfect."
They sat down on the chair, Cordelia on Angel's lap. "Funny..." She smiled, "This has never come into one of our Girlie Nights In..."
"Girlie nights in?" Angel looked at her, "That's what this is?"
"Well, yeah... You're the only guy I know that'll bitch about my taste in men as much as I do. And then there's your taste in clothes..."
"Wait... So I'm, one of the GIRLS?" Asked Angel, stunned.
Cordelia giggled, "Yeah, you're one of the hot, sexy... stunning... girls... that... I... love... to... kiss..." With every word, she placed a tender kiss on his face. "Did I mention I'm a lesbian?" She teased.
Angel grinned, "As long as I'm the only 'girl' you're lusting after, it's fine with me..." He said, laughing, pushing a strand of dark hair out of her face.
"I love that..." She whispered.
"What?"
"You. Laughing. We *really* don't hear enough of that round here."
Angel reached up and kissed her gently, "I love you." He said softly. Cordelia pressed her lips on his again, sliding her hand through the buttons on his shirt. "Cordy... Are you sure?" He asked, worried.
"Kiss me... Please?" She mumbled against his lips.
Wrapping his arms around her, Angel lifted her into his arms, "Pizza'll get cold..."
"Don't care..." Pulling back, Cordelia looked at him, "You've given me everything." She whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. "You gave me Connor, a Son... My friends. You. I love you *so* much."
It felt right. It didn't feel clinical or necessary, desperate or like their only choice. It felt right to both. As Angel slid the straps of her dress down her shoulders, he met her eyes, running his finger along her jawline, following the trail he made with light kisses that sent butterflies fluttering throughout her stomach. Her head fell back, exposing her tender flesh at the base of her neck, a sign of trust. Angel leaned over, gently kissing and nipping at the soft skin, all the while, her hand placed gently on the side of his cheek.
"Angel?"
His head lifted, love and lust shining through chocolate coloured eyes. "Cordelia?" Seeing she wanted to say something, his tender ministrations stopped.
"Thank you." She whispered, "F-for making me feel like I'm not going to..." Cordelia stopped, "For making me feel." She whispered. Capturing her lips with his, Angel walked through to the bedroom, dropping her gently to her feet and pulling her close, his hand running up her back, stroking over the base of her tattoo with languid fingers...
Moments later, the couple fell to the bed, Cordelia's fingers gently stroking his cheek...
* * * * *
Sated, Cordelia shifted in her sleep, turning over and curling into Angel's arms... An incredible pain tore through the vampire and he ripped himself from his bed, waking Cordeila stumbling onto the balcony, his Seer following.
"Angel?" She whispered, gasping as sickly yellow eyes turned, boring into hers as he growled....
~Part: 10~
Heat... Heat that almost burned his skin, created comfort in a time when he needed to feel. She moved against him, lips against his, arms wrapped tenderly around his back as she whispered the words that she loved him, over and over as he moved inside of her.
Angel realised tears were sliding down his face when a gentle hand came and wiped them away, kissing the salty droplets of water away from his cheeks. "Don't..." She whispered breathlessly, "Please don't cry..."
Angel kissed her gently, "Are you ready?"
Cordelia nodded.
"Are you sure?" He asked, looking into her eyes, he had to be sure that this was what she wanted. What she needed.
Cordelia nodded again, closing her eyes and arching her back as the room faded away, all that was left was her and Angel, her arms wrapped tight around him as her body shuddered into bliss that made her weak. As she tightened around him, Angel was taken over the edge and tentatively sunk his fangs down into her slender neck, drinking, making them both gasp as their pleasure intensified. Knowing what she had to do, Cordelia bit her lip, hard... Drawing blood. Just a little. Just enough. And when Angel had almost drained her dry he pulled back, kissing her, their blood mingling together. Their bodies stopped their shuddering and Angel looked down, tenderly stroking her hair - his eyes widening as this time, her body arched in pain. "Angel?" She whimpered, groaning. He pulled back again, still watching her face, "Cordy... Please, don't die..." He whispered, reaching down and kissing her.
What they didn't see was the light escaping from her lips and when Cordelia opened her eyes, she glanced up at Angel, breathlessly. "Did it work?" She asked, sleepily.
Angel nodded, "Get some sleep." He whispered gently, his lips pressed to her forehead.
* * * * *
"Angel?" Cordelia looked at him, her body shrank back against the double doors of the balcony. True demon face... Yellow eyes... Seeing right into her soul.
"Wrong." A sickly smile appeared on his face and Cordelia's heart twisted in her chest. "No..." She whimpered.
"How does it feel lover." Growled Angelus, smiling, "Funny, I thought Soul Boy preferred blondes..."
Cordelia backed away, "No..."
Angelus grabbed her, pulling him to her and dragging a hand down the tantalising curves of her body. Then, almost as quickly as he'd grabbed her, he pushed her away again, "Cordelia, RUN!" Begged Angel, his face sliding back into his human facade. She did as she was told (for once) running, until she got to the door, intending to go out when a scream forced itself past her lips as incredible pain coursed through her body at the same time it did Angel's, both fighting for him to keep his soul. Cordelia was propelled back into the bedroom with the force of the pain and when Buffy and the others ran upstairs they were faced with the sight of both Cordelia and Angel, each wrapped in a sheet, writhing on the floor as a demon battled to inhabit both of their bodies.
Angel struggled to his feet, slamming his body against the wall, Cordelia's body jerking with each impact Angel's body rained against the cold bricks.
"No!" Screamed Angel.
"Give it up, Soul Boy... This is one fight you AREN'T winning..." Growled Angelus.
"I... Won't... Give... This... Up..." Angel slammed his body against the wall with every word he spoke, angry red marks appearing on Cordelia's skin.
"We have to do SOMETHING!" Said Buffy, preparing to rush in. Wesley grabbed her arm, "We can't do anything - Angel knew this would happen, leave it be..."
"But..."
"Remember what he said, Buffy. If their souls are truly meant to be joined this *will* work!"
"And if they're not?" Buffy asked, forced to stand back as her friends writhed on the floor in pain.
Gunn didn't watch. He stood outside the room, clenching and unclenching his fists, his eyes dark. In a fit of rage he punched the wall, just as a strangled sob emanated from Cordelia's lips and all was silent within the hotel. Cordelia's body jerked... As did Angel's and crawling painfully onto her side, Cordelia looked up through tear filled eyes, her brow creased in pain. "A-Angelus?" She whispered.
Slowly, he looked up. The look on his face unreadable. "Y-you're him, aren't you?" Asked Cordelia, tears sliding down her cheeks. "I killed you..."
He stayed silent, breathing heavily.
"ANSWER ME!" She said, desperately. "Tell me! Are you him???"
Can it be that it was all so simple then,
Or has time rewritten every line?
"Angel, please?" She whispered brokenly, "Say SOMETHING!"
Friends gathered round the door held their breath, just staring, waiting...
"Angel?" Cordelia closed her eyes, "Just say something..."
Looking up, Angel's eyes met hers, "I... I love you."
Cordelia sobbed, throwing her arms around him and hugging him, "Oh God... Angel!" She gasped, kissing him all over his face, his beautiful face, "I thought you were him!" She cried.
Wesley breathed a sigh of relief and smiled, "I think it's time we left."
"Did it work?" Asked Willow.
"It did." Wesley smiled, pulling the door shut behind him. Willow linked her arm through Buffy's walking behind Wesley and Gunn, "Y'okay?" She asked.
"I really am." Said Buffy, smiling.
"Hey, that Willow's really kinda cute..." Said Gunn, grinning at Wesley.
"I'm sure her girlfriend thinks so too..." Wesley replied, raising an eyebrow.
"GIRLfriend? You mean, chick friend, right?"
"No, I mean... Well..." Wesley blushed slightly, uncomfortable talking about the young woman like this when she was only a few feet away. "You know what I mean..."
"Really?" Asked Gunn, his eyes almost falling out of his head at the... Possibilities.
Wesley nodded.
"Cool." He grinned, "VERY cool..."
* * * * *
"Can't you stay a little longer?" Asked Cordelia, looking at Buffy from her place on the steps of the Hyperion, watching as the Slayer played with Connor.
Buffy shook her head, "Nah... Dawn has school which I should be back for since her teachers already think I'm a crazy person."
"Crazy, why?" Asked Cordelia, puzzled.
"That would be the work of one Buffy Bot."
Cordelia raised an eyebrow, "Buffybot?"
"Spike hired someone to make a sex-bot that looks EXACTLY like uh... Nothing! Looks exactly like nothing!" Willow immediately stopped following a glare from her best friend.
Cordelia supressed a laugh but stopped when she saw the look on Buffy's face. "How's the... uhm... Transitioning coming along?" Asked Buffy, gently.
Cordelia sighed, "It's kinda... Weird sometimes. I mean, I see memories of his..." She said softly, "And I still don't know what my 'aspect of the demon' will be."
"Hey, maybe it'll be like Buffy's aspect of the demon, telepathy!" Said Willow, hopefully. "Y'know, sharing people's thoughts!"
"Oh, sure, the ones that drive you INSANE? Please, sign me up for those!" Said Cordelia, laughing and shaking her head. "Wesley said that my aspect of the demon could be small, insignificant even. But he also said it could be huge. With Angel and I being joined though he said I might only get a little case of the bumpies when I'm angry..."
Willow smiled, "Oh, like you aren't scary enough when you're angry!"
"Got *that* right," Laughed Gunn, "Have you girls witnessed the temper since she left Sunnydale?"
"Can't say I've had the pleasure." Said Willow, grinning.
"Let's just say, I'd rather face *Angel* in pissed off mode, than Barbie here..."
"DON'T call me Barbie!" She growled, teasingly then gasped. "I GROWLED!"
Angel came up behind her, snaking his arms around her waist, "Don't need the growl, you're scary enough..." He whispered.
"What is this? Bash Cordelia day?" She asked, grinning.
Angel smiled, then looked at her seriously, "Are you okay?"
"If you ask me that again, I'll..."
"You'll what, growl?" Asked Buffy, laughing. Standing up, she handed Connor to Angel and smiled, "Well, I guess we should go..."
"Wait a minute." Cordelia stood, "Look, I just... Wanted to thank you both for coming down here and helping with everything... I mean, I really don't know how I'm supposed to say thank you or anything 'cause..."
"Cordelia?" Willow smiled, "You just did. But... If we wanna get home any time tonight, we gotta leave now." She said softly, wrapping her arms around the brunette for a hug. "You be careful... And no bities, 'kay?"
Cordelia laughed, "No bities, promise."
Willow pulled back and watched as Buffy stepped forward, hugging first Cordelia, "You ever wanna talk, I'm only a phone call away..."
Cordelia nodded, "Yup," She smiled, "I know."
Then, pulling away, Buffy reached forward and hugged Angel, "Take care of her." She whispered softly.
Angel kissed Buffy's hair and smiled, "Always."
A few minutes later and the gang of Angel Investigations were left sitting alone while Connor gurgled in his mothers arms.
"Does it feel any different?" Asked Fred, looking at Cordelia.
Shaking her head, Cordelia glanced over at her, "Not really. I get some of his memories, like I said, which are... Strange and kind of disturbing..."
"MY memories are disturbing?" Said Angel, grinning at her. "Excuse me, WHO was the one who got peanut butter all over my bed AND peeled up my linoleum? Who *is* the one who constantly sweeps dust under the rugs? Who's the one who..."
Cordelia silenced him with a kiss, "Angel? SHUT UP!" She grinned.
They sat together on the chair, grinning at each other until a gagging noise from across the room made them look up at Gunn, "Could you guys BE any more sappier? Jeez, get a..."
A vision struck, Cordelia and Angel both tensed visibly - Cordelia paling, until her body stopped shuddering.
"No pain?" Asked Wesley.
"A little." Said Cordelia, "But that'll go once the... Transition is done, right?"
Wesley nodded, "So... Vision?"
Cordelia smiled, "Just another day at the office, huh?" She asked softly.
Angel shook his head, "No... This time, I get to keep you with me." He said softly.
Cordelia looked at Angel and smiled, "One year older, huh?"
Angel reached down and kissed her, "And here's to many more..." He whispered.
**END**