Spoilers: All Season 1, 2, 3 (mostly what I've read, only seen up to "This Old Gang Of Mine") But this does include "Waiting In The Wings" spoilers! I know, I know, I haven't seen it so I shouldn't write fic but... Hey, what can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment and since my creativeness has disappeared somewhere, I'm trying to relocate it. Should anyone find it PLEASE e-mail me!!!
Rating: R
Summary: Cordelia reflects on her current relationship with Angel, or lack thereof...
Disclaimer: If they were mine would I *really* be writing fan fic? Not mine!! They belong to Joss the Evil One, the Great WB and other people that I can't be bothered to mention but love for giving me A/C goodness every week!
Feedback: Love it, need it, crave it... "It's like a Sickness..."
Dedication: To all the people who give me feedback - you guys, rock!!!
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It's quite easy to tell myself that things are 'normal' round here. Pffft, what's normal? Is normal a head-splitting, mind numbing vision? Or is normal floating? Is normal being half demon?
Is normal your vampire best friend with a human son of his own, a human son who you like to pretend that, in a few years time when he's out of his diapers and into six pairs of sneakers a month, will call you Mommy and not Aunty Cordy?
See, things are normal round here. Well, as normal as normal can be round here anyway. I've told myself for so long that Angel always has been and always WILL be a no-boner. Hands off, strictly prohibited - do not enter without access to blonde roots. Unfortunately, that's not me. I'm not blonde. Okay, so I tried it... But it didn't really work. Did I do it for him? Nnnnootttt exactly... Well, okay, I wanted to see if it was just 'the blonde thing'. I mean, Angel was slipping at that point and who knew what I was thinking when I walked into Alfredo's and ordered him to chop off my hair into this short, snazzy little number and put some blonde in there for good measure! Only, he didn't... I ended up leaving the hairdressers in tears because the word 'bouffant' didn't even come close to describing the hair situation and even then they didn't notice. Wesley did after a week and Angel? The blonde *didn't* work. It didn't even come remotely close, Angel, being the jerk he was during his beige period, went and slept with the pale, undead and creepy natural blonde.
So, there's me, back to square one on the Angel front. Not that I wanted to *be* on the Angel front, I just wanted to prove that I'm... Uhm... I just wanted to prove that. Okay, okay, I admit it. I wanted him. I wanted him because *she* had him. I wanted him because another BLONDE had him. See, it's easy isn't it? Lying to yourself. Angel's still the no-boner he's always been, and I'm still Cordelia Chase, bitch of Sunnydale High.
Things change. Times change. People change. I've changed. He's changed. A lot of things have changed round here now. He has a son. And isn't that just a shirtload of responsibilities for us to hacksaw or way through? He worries about EVERYTHING. And I mean, EVERYTHING. The perfect example of a conversation?
"Cordy, Connor's crying..."
Uhm, since when did *I* become the expert on babies? My egg in high school fried my brain!
"Angel, he's okay. He's just teething... Here, give him his cooler."
"Should I call the doctor?"
"Annndddd, I'll say it again, Angel, he's TEETHING."
"Oh, okay."
Brief break and...
"Cordy, he's stopped crying... Should I go check? Is he okay? Should I call a Doctor?
My word of advice. Never EVER buy one of those baby monitors from a baby shop. Y'know the ones where you plug them in another room so you can put said baby in there and let him sleep? Just don't. They *know* you listen and stop breathing accordingly. Personally, I think he's got good lungs like Daddy, but everytime Connor pauses his breath Angel's up off that chair like he's got a stake up his... Uhm... English channel, and Connor googles again, putting the fear of God into Angel. It was amusing - the first time out of the LAST billion I saw it.
Anyway, I digress, I do that a lot. Some people call it babbling, but I like to say I digress. If I'm nervous, I babble, like a brook, I babble. That's usually down to aggravated nerves, I think but... But I'm not nervous as you can so clearly see, I mean, I'm only thinking about Angel, what's there to be nervous about? Anyway, back to the Angel being a strictly 'no-boner' thing.
Up until a few months ago, Angel was strictly off limits and... I blame this on Fred. She was the one who came up with this crazy idea about Kyerumption and now... Now it got me thinking. And then tonight at the ballet? Possessed by souls? Sure. And then Angel comes out with the scariest line in EVER.
"It was you and me, Cordelia. Kissing you... I'm not sure if I can..."
And then I stopped him because I'm afraid of what he was going to say. Sure, he could have said 'I'm not sure if I can kiss you because basically, you SUCK!' ANNNDDDD he'd have Wesley to back that up with perhaps the most passion-less kiss of the century. And then he came out with this little gem...
"Don't be stupid. If I were that security guard, and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen was making eyes at me-"
And then he goes and stops. Why does he punish me like this? Why do I punish myself?
Does he know what I face, I mean honestly?
If I sleep with him, and he loses his soul, I lose my best friend, my lover and my lifeline all rolled into one.
If I sleep with him and he doesn't lose his soul, it means he's still hung up over one of the blondes and that leaves me in love with a man who can never love me.
If I don't tell him how I feel, I'll always wonder.
If I do and he turns me away, I'll always want the friendship we had back.
And if I admit that Angel's a 'boner' for even one second? Then things aren't normal. If I admit that I'm in love with Angel then things fall into a tailspin. And there he is, smiling at me, holding out his hand. There it is, our friendship - weird, yet wonderful, I gave up my life for this amazing man I call Angel. My Angel.
Things aren't normal but... Pffft, what's normal to a lifetime of special with Angel?
Absolutely nothing.
*End*