Email: mail@cbaird82.freeserve.co.uk
Content: Cordelia/Angel, who else? Okay, so there's a little bit of Groo/Cordelia... *ducks for cover*
Summary: The pair are reunited, both itching to tell the other about their respective feelings.
Spoilers: Everything up to and including Double or Nothing.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Anywhere, just tell me where it's going.
Notes: The songs in these fics respectively belong to Anastacia and can all be found on the album called Freak of Nature. I called the series "The Home Is Where The Heart Is" because of something Lorne said in Double or Nothing. "Home is where the heart is, but these hearts are broken."
Feedback: Feedback is my drug - totally harmless, addictive and fun!
Dedication: To my sister for showing me the three songs that will be featured in this series. And to Lisa, for being my ever-wonderful 'fic-overseer' and suggesting the way in which I should write this one. 'Tis because of her you guys receive this...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Anything new?" I walks downstairs and into the lobby, asking the exact same question I asked last night... And the night before that. And the night before that too. In fact, this started a few weeks ago, the questions, the maybe, just maybe, that something turned up - something that they had missed last night, or the night before that.
As usual, Fred answers me the same and as usual, my face falls, "No, Angel, nothing."
You'd think that after this much time, she'd have come home by now. You'd think that all our searching wouldn't have been fruitless. You'd think that she'd be home, back here where she belongs. I refuse, and maybe I'm harming myself more in doing this, to believe that my Seer, my Cordelia, is dead. I'd know. I'd feel it. There wouldn't be hope, there wouldn't be that light at the end of the tunnel... It would be gone. I refuse to believe she's dead. I can't believe it.
I pick up my coat from the back of the stand and look at Fred, "I'm going out." She knows what I mean. Knows that I'm going to look in the same places we looked last night and the night before that. Knows that I'm going just to see that there wasn't something I missed. Fred knows. And Fred also understands. She doesn't let me give up and neither does Gunn.
They appreciate what I do - but I think they've started to believe that they're never going to get Cordelia back. I know better. I'm going to get her back. She's mine. It's not that I can't live without her, I've proved that I can.
It's just that I won't.
* * * * *
When he came back we knew. Something was different. Angel's always had this look in his eye (and when I first met him, I did a lot of looking into his eyes, though he didn't notice it) this unbreakable, can't-shake-me-down look. Even after Connor, when Cordelia came home and Charles said those mean things, he got that look again. When Cordelia left and Angel came back and things had hit a really low point, somewhere inside he drew strength and he got that look again.
Sometimes, it wavers. And sometimes it's stronger than I ever. Did I want to hope? No. I found that in Pylea, hoping just led you for a fall until Angel. I used to sit there, close my eyes and think really really long and really really hard that my knight in shining armour would come and rescue me from the monsters. He didn't - until Angel.
Did I get that look in my eyes? I don't know. But this one... This one, was one of strength, one of hope - shining more clear than I'd ever seen before. And the words that lifted my heart and made me giddy.
"I've found Cordelia."
Of course, nothing's ever as simple as that. It's not like he went walking down the street and poof, she just appeared. No, as usual, Angel has to work for something he wants. And I know him well enough to know that he will.
Cordelia's coming home. And slowly but surely, our family is rebuilding itself.
* * * * *
Me. An Angel... The thought bothered me a whole hell of a lot more than it should. I know why. How could I not? I miss him sometimes. When I'm alone, or when it's quiet round here. It bothers me. I'm not an Angel - Skip told me that no matter what they led me to believe up here, I'm not an Angel. I don't have the death certificate for a start.
I'm a higher being. Sounds weird, doesn't it. My first thought when I got here was that I always knew I was better. It made me laugh. I mean, I never really knew I was better, not back then. I had money, big whoop. It just gave me a ticket to tell everyone what I thought no matter how mean or cruel. But now... God, I really am a Higher Being aren't I? Angel's mission turned into mine.
I told myself that he'd be okay, that he had his son to love him, Fred and Gunn. That maybe, one day, he'd find it in him to forgive Wesley for what he'd done. But sitting here, right now, it's not the same. No-one can love him like I do... Can they?
* * * * *
"We're doing this now." Angel means business now, I get that. I think no matter when we found Cordy, Angel would be like this. It's good to see him with something. Fred said he's hoped since he came back from that box - but sometimes, I think my girl looks at the world through a different perspective than the rest of us do. Innocent, but not naive. Unbreakable, but not unshakable. It'd take a lot to break Fred - girl survived five years in a hell dimension with only cave walls as comfort.
"Angel, man - you know what happened last time we tried somethin' like this..." Another spell. Why was it I always felt more comforted when Wes did the spells round here?
He nods. And turns, "This is Cordelia." Guy's got a point. And so, while Angel chants in Latin (there's always chanting), I look at Fred. She smiles, brightly. And I guess I know why Fred wants Cordelia to come back - to give Angel what we do. She's my girl... And Cordelia's his.
There's a flash of bright light and all too suddenly, Angel's gone. "Good luck, man..." I whisper, pulling Fred towards me for a hug. "Y'hungry?"
* * * * *
You'd think that the way I came up here? All floaty and... Stuff, they'd let you float round here too. No such luck. I feel like I've been to a Neiman Marcus sale for a month with no seats. My feet are killing me. Of course, I'm going to kill Skip too when I find out he sent me on a wild goose chase. No demons where he said. No people needing saving. Just WHAT is his deal?
"Skip?" He turns and jumps like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, shifting nervously on his feet.
"Cordelia..."
"Why did you send me out there?" I ask, frowning. "There were no demons, no people in need of saving. I didn't even get to use my glow-ey powers! What's going on?"
"I-uh, I... Well, it's like this..."
He falters and in the time it takes him to come up with a plausible answer, there's a crash... A thud. And a grunt that, I, Cordelia Chase would know anywhere.
"Angel?!" I gasp and run forward, helping him up to give him a hug, "Oh my God!!! What are you doing here?"
"I came to save you."
You walked in the room
and time was standin' still
knew you were my destiny
by the way you made me feel
only you in my life
forever and today
you're everything I ever imagined
my love could be
you for me
He came to save me... He came to save me when months ago, he was the one who needed saving. He's told me everything, right there in front of Skip who told me that I couldn't leave... Until I raised an eyebrow. Being with me for months has learned Skip, he knows not to piss me off and right now? I'm pissed off.
Angel doesn't ask me why I left, or why I didn't meet him that night. He's so happy to see me, so happy to know that I'm safe to know that I'm not dead like they all thought. God, they've gone through hell while I've been away. I turn and look at Skip, "Why wasn't I shown?" I ask, coldly.
Skip frowns, "Because your mission is different to his now, Cordelia."
"My mission?" If I had a halo, I'd have tossed it at him. Right now, I'll settle for his statue of Morpheus from the Matrix. He yelps, managing to save Morpheus with a move that would make any american football player proud and looks up at me. "My mission was important, yeah." I say frowning. "But not enough to lose my friends over. I want to go home."
"You can't," Says Skip, "Your mission."
"I... Can't?" I ask, folding my arms across my chest. I glance at Angel,
he came for me and everything stood still. Angel came for me when I should
have been the one to go for him, to save him. He's standing there, a frown
on his face. He's pissed and right now? I realise that his expressions
aren't that far off mine. I'm pissed too. And I want to go home.
Like the stars need the sky
and the river needs it's rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun needs the day
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I...
dreamed of you
I dreamed you
I once told Cordelia that you never get used to loss. You never really get used to losing somebody you love and I was right. When Fred and Gunn told me that Cordelia had gone, I felt cold. Ironic, really - I'm dead, I'm pretty much always cold. I've realised that there are two things that instill warmth. Her. And hope. When I saw her again, it felt like I was walking in the sun... It felt like finally, something had gone right. That I'd done something I was supposed to. She's not supposed to be here. She said that herself, just now, to skip.
She wants to go home. Home is where her heart belongs and her heart belongs with me.
I need Cordelia. I thought that hope was enough to keep me going but I was wrong. I need Cordelia in my life. I need her. Skip looks at us and for a moment, I think that I'm going to have yet another fight on my hands. I'm wrong. He sighs and shakes his head, "Not one to do things by the book, are ya?"
And I see her smile, brighter than the sun. Cordelia and I are going home. Cordelia and I - has a nice ring to it.
* * * * *
At first, I had to blink. The light was so bright. And when I opened my eyes, I had to rub them, make sure that what I was seeing was really what I was seeing. If what I was seeing wasn't really what I was seeing, I don't know what I would have done. Hope is cruel, even more cruel when you see something you want, only to have it snatched away again.
This time, it wasn't being snatched away. It wasn't dangling in front of me like a big hook, waiting for the fish to open its mouth. This time, it was more real than Angel, more solid than any hope I'd experienced in Pylea. This kind of hope had shape, had form. This kind of hope had the brightest, sweetest smile I'd ever seen.
This kind of hope was known as the Princess of Pylea. This kind of hope is my best friend, my best girl friend, anyway. I run forward to hug her and suddenly I'm crying, telling her I missed her and that I'm happy to have her home and that everything's alright and that if she was locked in some hell dimension she'll be okay.
And Cordelia smiles. She tells me that where she was, was nice. It was warm and she was treated more like a Queen than a Princess and I feel a tiny stab of what could be jealousy, but I think is more wonder. And then, she finishes it all with a sentence that breaks my heart.
"I've been a Queen and a Princess... But nothing compares to coming home. Home is where my family is... And comfortable SHOES!"
I'm laughing and crying all at once and it feels like everything's getting
better. The sun has risen on the hotel and it's hard not to be happy, giddy
excited and feeling kind of sick all at once.
It's hard to explain
but when you know you know
I was so amazed by you
you had me and: 'hello'
I need you in my heart
my body, mind and soul
it only took a moment to take my breath away
will you stay?
I thought that leaving was the absolute right and only thing to do. Angel had his mission, I had mine. They weren't the same any more. Last year ended with me, going off to complete my mission and Angel... God, I hate even thinking about it. I wasn't here when he needed me and I should have been.
I still haven't told him - I don't know how to. What do I do, say 'hey Angel, I love you, even though I left and let you get buried underwater for six months' - okay, not quite six months but somehow, I don't think that's going to cut it. I should just be honest. I should tell him that I don't know how or when, but I started to love him and that I need him.
It doesn't feel as incredibly weird as it did that night... Wondering
why every car and its dog was on the freeway when I had somewhere to be.
Now, I just know I love him and that the minute he walked in the room up
there, I knew we belonged together. Pretty simple, huh?
Our love can't be denied, no no
there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say
my heart always knew
that's how I dreamed of you
"Angel, just TELL her!" Says Fred, glaring at me. I thought the wrath of Cordelia was bad? Fred's been following me round the hotel, mumbling things about Kye-rumption and Moira in my ear.
"Fred, stop telling me Pylean phrases for soul mates..."
"I could tell you Pylean phrases for how many times I'm going to stake you unless you TELL HER!" She frowns.
"You can only stake me once, then, I'm dust..."
She frowns again at my comment, but then not to be outdone says, "Yeah, but I can stake you in other places WITHOUT getting your heart!" She picks up a stake to poke me with it and I yelp. I wouldn't put it past her to improvise if she had to. Plus, her pencils are always neatly sharpened, I guess now I know why. "Fred!"
"Tell her!"
"No!"
"Why?"
"Because..." Okay, that was lame, even for me.
"Angel," She sighs, "Kye-rumption aside - you two are meant for each other. Two souls, remember?"
"Yeah, and remember?" I say, "Me losing said soul if something happens between us..."
Fred looks taken aback by that and shakes her head, "Yeah, if you two get groiny with one another."
I sigh, because how can I explain that I'm worried? True happiness. The requirements of me losing my soul equal true happiness. What if Cordelia says those words and I lose my soul? Does she honestly know how happy that would make me? Do I? "A moment of true happiness. What if-"
"I know what you're thinking and no..." Said Fred, "When Connor was born, did you lose your soul? When he came back, did you lose your soul? Angel, stop living in the extremely worrying past and move on... You love Cordeila... Larger than life souls. You have to tell her."
Damnit, I hate when she's right.
"Charles and I are staying at his tonight. That gives you and Cordelia time alone. If you haven't told her when we come back tomorrow. . . " She picks up the stake and waggles it in my direction, warningly.
I gulp. I think she's serious.
Like the stars need the sky
And the river needs the rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun needs the day, yeah
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I need you
It's good to be home. Phantom Dennis ran me a bath, made me coffee, tea - I think he's scared I'm going to leave again. I had to sit down at the table and promise him that no, I wasn't going anywhere. It seemed to work. I missed this place way more than I thought possible, but then, who's surprised? I really can't live without my... Ugh! Phone RINGING! Damn, I was just dosing off too.
"Cordelia? It's Angel..."
"Oh, hi..." I smile, I *so* love hearing his voice. (Obsessed much?)
"Listen, are you busy tonight? I mean, I thought we could go out, celebrate you coming home and all... Just you and me? I was thinking, La Tasca's, near Lafayette Park? I hear it's... Nice."
Damnit, I almost dropped the phone... Unknowingly, Angel has just given me the perfect venue, the perfect time and place to tell him. And I've got bats in my stomach.
"Uhm... Sure. That sounds... Nice."
We make arrangements, and this time, I promise Angel that no visits from the Powers That Be will keep me away, no visions, no nothing and I'm still standing here, two hours later, looking in front of my closet and panicking over what to wear. Damn, damn, damn, I have no clothes. That dress I wore at the ballet? Don't want Angel any more distracted than he's going to be... I finally settle on a dress that's 'jewel blue' - a pair of strappy sandals and a touch of strawberry lip gloss. I look good.
And right now - I'm going to start the rest of the life with the man
I love.
Like the stars need the sky
like the river needs the rain
"You look... Nice." I says nervously. So far, so good. Cordelia made it with no visits from Skip. She's here. I'm pulling her chair out from in front of her and she's smiling at me. She looks more than nice. She looks beautiful. Her skin seems to be glowing and all I can think of doing is tasting that strawberry lip gloss, of kissing her until the sun rises, of kissing her until it sets. All I can think of is her.
"So do you." I'm wearing the one suit I own. The one suit that still, after all this time, has her scent all over it. I refused to wash it. Yeah, I know, disgusting - alright, I'll wash it if tonight goes to plan.
I take a deep breath and watch her as she orders, her gaze drifting to mine every so often.
"Angel?"
"What?" Busted. She caught me staring at her and- was she saying something?
"Are you going to order?" She asks, softly, a bright, teasing smile on her face.
"Oh-" Damnit, concentrate, Angel... I tell myself to stop staring, but
I don't. I don't want to. Ever.
Like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
I'm shaking. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm so nervous, what if Angel laughs at me? What if he tells me that we can't have a relationship on account of his curse... On account of that he doesn't feel the same?
The conversation dried up about a minute ago - talking about La Tasca's sun dried tomatoes just isn't that interesting a topic for either of us. I can think of a million things to talk about but they all seem so trivial right now. What I'm about to say just surpasses all of that - it's like none of the past matters, only this moment, this 'right now' that I seem to be having with Angel...
We have a past... We have a right now... And no matter what happens tonight, whether he loves me or not, he and I will always have a future because where I belong is with him. Only him.
"A-Angel?" I start tentatively, "I kinda... Have something I need to
talk to you about..."
Like the sun it needs the day
and the night needs the moon
Wait a minute - that was my line! I need to talk to HER about something! What's she going to say? I take a drink of water, a BIG drink of water and feel every bit of the dork that Cordelia affectionately calls me. In a dream world, she'd tell me that she loves me... In this world, she's probably going to tell me that - God, I don't know that Groo and her are getting married - and where is he anyway?
"What happened to Groo?" I ask, seeing the startled look on her face.
"Groo?"
"Yeah... Haircut and clothes kinda similar to mine?" Stupid Groo.
"He left... Just before I went..." She points upwards and I nod.
"Oh..."
Like the air that I breathe
that's how I need you
Geez, talk about unsettling? I'm sitting here trying to tell him that I love him and he brings up Groo! Okay, I don't think I can do this... And plus? I think I'm going to barf. Maybe I ate too much, and now I'm all excited and stuff and what if something... What if... Oh God, I can't. I can't tell him. I take a drink of water, trying to settle my stomach when-
"I love you."
That's how I...
dreamed of you
I dreamed of you
She spat on me! She was taking a drink of water and I blurted it out and she spat on me. Oh God... She's going to leave, she's going to get up and walk out and Cordelia's going to be gone again and...
"Oh my God- I, I'm so sorry but... You what?" She asks, incredulously.
I'm dripping here and she's asking me to repeat it?! Taking my serviette, I wipe my cheeks and my gaze slides away from hers. "I- I love you. I love you Cordelia. I have for a long time... I just..."
Destiny... Kye-rumption. Moira. Fred's wacky theories are divebombing about in my head until Cordelia's eyes fill with tears. I made her cry?! I didn't mean to make her cry?! Is the concept of me loving her tear-inducing?? I'm going to kill Fred... Really kill her... With torture and...
"I love you too."
What in the holy hell is going on?!
Like the air that I breathe
that's how I need you
He loves me. Angel loves me. I didn't even had to say anything and... I kinda spat on him but... Angel loves me. My eyes fill with tears and I just thank the lord that I mastered the art of buying waterproof mascara yesterday when I went shopping with Fred. And then suddenly, the words are out of my mouth. "I love you too." I whisper softly, not caring that people can see me cry. I'm making a fool of myself, in public and I don't even care.
"I'm in love with you." I say, "I knew before I left, I knew when you came to get me, I know now. I'm in love with you. That's what I wanted to talk to you about that night..."
And there it is. The grin that I'd walk through fire to see. He's smiling so brightly it hurts my heart.
"You love me?"
I nod... My smile almost splitting my face. And in a second, he's moved his chair round the table and he's kissing me, his palms laying flat against my cheeks. I hear the embarassed coughs of the other diners, hear the snickers and the heartfelt 'awww's' and then everything kind of disappears and I'm kissing Angel, and everything's alright.
Home is where the heart is and now, I'm finally home. After all this
time, I'm finally home.
That's how I...
dreamed of you
I dreamed of you
She knows. She knows she's in love with me. She knew before she left and that was what she was trying to tell me. I can feel myself smiling and I have to ask. I don't know why, I mean, she just told me she does.
"You love me?"
She nods... And smiles. The smile I live for, the smile that are all those things, my stars, my sky, my sun, my rain. The smile that means everything to me. I move around the table and place my lips on hers, tasting the strawberry lip-gloss I've wanted to taste since the start of the night. The kiss is tender, loving - everything I've imagined kissing her like since that night at the ballet, since before that.
I don't know where the future's going to take us. I only know that we have one. And that's enough.
End.