Rating: PG-13
Summary: Someone finds out first hand what it's like to be on the other side...DON'T SPOIL BY SKIPPING TO THE BOTTOM!
Spoilers: Sanctuary, Five by Five, The Gift
Distribution: On my own site...I have a site! lol...anyone else, ask and ye shall receive...
Disclaimer: These are *SOOO* not mine! Although, if Joss is willing to sell...I can give you lots of...debt? Don't sue, this is a product of my twisted imagination, only the idea is mine.
Dedication: Hmmm...Leanne, Wendy and Caroline for keeping me sane in times of stress...even though they'll probably NEVER see this! lol...
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Sometimes, I used to feel like I was on the outside looking in at something I could never have. Friendship...love...was it because I was a bitch? Probably. Sunnydale High, the bane of my life. And yet, oddly enough, some of the best times. There was Buffy, there was Willow...Xander...Oz...Giles. All good people. Xander, yeah, I felt something for him, not something I'd admit though, that just wasn't my style. Besides, it never worked out between us, why dwell?
As I sit here, the lights are turned out, nothin' left but thoughts. Thoughts of him... "The Road to Redemption is a rocky path." That was what he once said but I never thought I'd be here, fighting for my own redemption. I have blood on my hands, innocent blood. There are so many if's, but's and maybe's...
When I first came to LA, I was frightened, scared of what had gone before and terrified of what was to come now. I was alone. I was never exactly surrounded by friends, but there were people there who at least seemed to care some of the time. Being with people beat being lonely by myself...companionship was what I craved and I got a lot more. I got friendship, I got Buffy and the Super Friends. God, that sounds so weird. And coming to LA, I got Angel. He believed in me, believed in my abilities. Believed that I could get through anything. His strength kept me alive when, through the pain, all I wanted to do was give up. And now, five years after friendship I'm still here. But I never thought it'd turn out like this.
They all said that I'd end up pregnant by the time I was 21. A Daddy's girl with a penchance for taking what wasn't mine. How wrong they were...I didn't expect my life to be a long one...not really. Living on the Hellmouth taught me that you can go at any time, life can be snuffed out and there's nothing you could do about it. And being in LA taught me that you could rely on people to get you through things, even if it was just with a kind word or a smile, it got you through. It certainly helped me through.
When Buffy came to LA that time, she and Angel fought...he told me that they didn't live in each other's lives anymore and I believed him. Maybe it was then that I fell in love with him. After that, he was always there for me, even when he didn't need to be. When he could have left any time he wanted. Then Buffy died. She sacrificed herself to avert the apocalypse, to keep her sister and all of us alive. Not that I didn't expect it from her...I was grateful. I was grateful for having known someone I *thought* I hated. It wasn't really hate though, was it? I mean, how can you hate someone who at least tried? I mean, even my own parents didn't do that...it was sort of inevitable that we'd drift apart eventually.
Sometimes, my thoughts are so loud, so indefinite that I think others can hear them. But it's just me in here, in this lonely cell. I used to have friends. Sure, they come visit. But it's odd sitting on the other side of the glass, looking through and not being able to touch them, hug them - take warmth in their comforting. Fred's still as weird as the first time I met her, kinda like Willow in a kookier way, but still so sweet...she and Wesley are together now. Wesley and I...he's still a little disappointed sometimes, but now, we understand each other. And whenever Gunn comes by...it's weird, he just looks at me sadly. I think he's worried. But I can hold my own. Always could, really.
Now, this is my turn to understand. It's my turn to understand what it's like to lose someone you love, *really* lose someone. Because Angel isn't coming back anymore. That night keeps replaying over and over in my head and I hate it...I hate so much that it hurts...I hate that the one time I actually felt close to him, the first time we kissed...and not the first time I lost...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Buffy Anne Summers
1981 - 2001
Beloved Sister
Devoted Friend
She Saved the World
A Lot
"Just like her friends..." Said the brunette softly, "It's nice though...that she got the recognition she deserved...I bet that was Spike's touch."
Angel said nothing. It had been three month since Buffy had died. He'd gone back to Los Angeles, back to Cordelia, Wesley, Fred, Gunn...his business and he was happy. "Sometimes, I feel guilty." Said Angel quietly, "I feel like I should mourn her more."
"Angel, you can't..." She said, shaking her head. "We all miss her but..." And by GOD that was rich, coming from her. She and Buffy hadn't really gotten along much...there had been a brief period of friendship, but that was marred by betrayal.
"Things have got easier." Angel spoke softly, "B-because of you."
She looked up at him, "Because of me? Angel, I'm the thorn in your side..." She laughed nervously, because she didn't know where this was going. "Remember me? Cranky Miss of a morning...if I don't get my coffee, I'm an ogre!" She laughed.
"And you're also the woman I love." Said Angel, meeting her dark eyes, "I don't know how or when it began, but...I do...I love you. I love you for your fiery spirit..." He smiled, "Your early morning ogre...I love you."
Her eyes widened, "B-but...Buffy..." She whispered.
"I also love Buffy but...we don't live in each other's worlds any more." He whispered. And suddenly, his lips were on hers. Leaning into his arms, she kissed him back, tears streaming freely down her face, "I love you too...I was so worried about you...I love you so much..."
And it all happened kind of quickly after that. The young woman turned, hearing a cold voice, "Ew, could there *be* anything more disgusting...a *human* kissing a vampire? Oops, you do know he's a vampire, right?" Asked the small red-head, wielding a stake. "Fortunately for you...I'm gonna save ya..."
"New Slayer..." Said Angel, his eyes darkening, "Wait a minu..." The fight began, vampire against slayer. And she stayed back, because this wasn't her fight. The red-head was laying on the ground, breathing heavily, "This stops now..." Said Angel, breathing unnecessarily, having engaged in a brutal fight with the spunky slayer, who was now exhausted. Getting to her feet, she nodded, holding out her hand. Maybe Angel fell for it because of exhaustion...shock? She wasn't sure. But when she heard the sickening thud of the stake driving into his chest, she stumbled backwards, "Angel!" She cried, "No!"
He reached his hand towards her, his eyes wide, incredulous, and she stared, "I...I love you..." He whispered. Seconds later, his ashes were carried away on the wind and the exhausted slayer turned towards her, "I suppose thank you is in order..."
Driven on by pain, she grabbed the Slayer and punched her, hard...sending her stumbling backwards into a gravestone. Striking her head repeatedly against it, the anguished brunette worked out some of her pain...until she realised that the slayer wasn't moving anymore, wasn't really fighting back. Sinking to her knees numbly, she sobbed...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When she awoke, she was in a hospital, being treated for shock...and handcuffed to the bed. Looking up, a detective stood, towered over her, "Cordelia Chase, I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder, you do not have to say anything but anything you say will..."
Numb. That's what she felt. Numb. She'd killed that girl, not even knowing what she was doing.
"Did you, or did you not commit murder?" Asked the Judge, glaring at her coldly. And seeing anguished looks from her friends, Cordelia Chase nodded. "I did." She said quietly. "I'm so sorry..."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Angel always said I looked nice in blue. Guess, that's a good then? In a few minutes, Wesley, Fred and Gunn will be here. Talking quietly of cases they're working on now. Buffy was brought back, she came to visit me once. Thanked me for looking after Angel, and I wanted to kill *her* because Angel was mine! MINE! Those last months, he belonged to me, not her. Not her.
In a few months, I'm up for parole. But how can I do it? How can I live outside without him? How can I go on with my life? In here, I'm safe. On the other side, I'm safe. Funny thing was, after Angel died, the visions stopped. The last thing I had of Doyle and him were taken away from me. I'm being punished. I'm being punished for having loved him. Because having loved him, got me here. Having loved him, lost me the only thing I had left of him and somehow...it's safer. I'm on the other side.