~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Another vision. What are they doing? Repaying me for all the ones I didn't get to have in prison? Is that it? Because four visions in an hour just ain't fun. I tried to tell Ryan that they were just real bad headaches but...he didn't believe me. Said that he was taking me to the hospital so...I had to explain. But...he understood. He understood...and then we kissed and it was nice. He told me that he wanted to know everything about me. Oh yeah, bozo? I'm a murderer, I killed someone because she killed someone I loved and y'know what the funny thing was? There was never any evidence to suggest that she killed Angel! We kissed once...and then I got kinda scared. Maybe this is how Buffy felt. Have sex with a guy and he goes evil on you, my current beef is kiss a guy and he gets killed. It's not such an odd conception, y'know? I mean, Kevin...okay we're talking way back in High School here, the year Buffy came to Sunnydale. I kissed Kevin and...okay, okay, there was some MINOR grope-age but nothing serious and he was killed! By vampires! See, killed. Dead. So, that's my lot in life. Buffy's is sleep with a guy and he goes 'grrr' mine is kiss a guy and he turns to dust.
Ryan noticed the change in mood and he got a little uncomfortable, saying that if this wasn't what I wanted then that was fine, he could handle it. Then he apologised for taking advantage. I cried. Because...I'm tired. Why have they given me these visions back? Why now? He told me that I can talk to him so...I told him about losing someone I loved. And then, I found myself telling him everything. Everything about Angel, about why I was in prison, why I left. He got sort of funny and said he had to go then...
So here I am, sitting alone in my apartment, my rather GRUBBY apartment I might add. It's actually kinda weird, this is what the first one I got in LA looked like. Minus the cockroaches. Thinking of that makes me think of Doyle, then I think of Angel and then I'm right back where I started again and it's not only my head that hurts but my heart too! THIS IS SUCH A MESS! I ran away from my life in LA because I didn't have the visions anymore. Yeah, way to go Cor, think of words like 'ran away' and realise you're a complete failure. But really, how could I go back to that? I was Vision Girl, that's all I was to them, without the visions, who am I? I'm nothing...
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Shut your mouth." He growled.
Lilah Morgan smirked and then laughed, she'd finally gotten to him. "What's wrong Angel?" She asked, "Someone speaks the truth and you can't handle it? We all know that the only reason you kept her around was because of the visions, maybe YOU should face up to that fact too, don't you think?"
Suddenly, his hand was clasped round her throat, hoisting her against the wall. His eyes glowed yellow, his face still in human form. "Bitch..." He spat. "Just because you've never experienced true feelings doesn't mean the rest of the world has to work on your modus operandi..."
"Angel, ANGEL!" Hissed Fred, "Put her down...won't do us any good to have a murder on our hands."
"Listen to your friend, Angel." Said Lilah, still smirking. "Not only would you have a murder on your hands but definitely have someone you love or certainly know in very grave danger, you wouldn't want that, would you?" She asked pointedly.
Angel slid his gaze guilty away from Fred, she didn't know yet, none of them did...his throat loosened its grip and Lilah slid down the wall. "See? We *can* all work together." She smiled.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I think I'm falling in love. It's scary because...it feels like betrayal but...after the episode with the visions, Ryan came back and...we went out on a date. We've been dating a few weeks and without going into too much of the icky detail we...well we, y'know? Okay...uhm...we sorta had uhm...GOD, we had sex. I'm an adult, I can say it. He was so tender and so...just like I'd imagined Angel would have been.
DAMNIT! I was being GOOD! I hadn't thought of him for ages and...he's haunting me. I see him in my dreams every night. He reaches out and asks me to help him, save him, keep him safe and every night I wake up crying. Every night I wake up wondering why...why he was taken from me...why I couldn't do more to save him...
I'm sorry Angel. I've forgotten exactly how many times I've thought that, whispered the words up to the stars because I firmly believe you're one of them. My shining star, the brightest in the sky. You'd think this would make me feel better. It doesn't. Will it ever? Probably not...