~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's over. He held my hand the entire way and it's over. Dennis called him, picked up the phone, dialled his number...and I am so gonna kick his ass. Well, I would...if he had an ass. I feel so tired. If anyone ever tells you that giving birth is easy...call them a LIAR!!!
I think Angel just assumed role as father. Well, when the Nurse asked who the father was, I said him...and I pointed in Angel's direction...I could have been pointing somewhere else but...well, he was the only one in the room so...okay, okay, I admit it. I want him to be the father. Watching him play with Connor like he did in the hotel was possibly one of the best experiences of my life. And I don't want my child to grow up without parents. Probably...wonderin' what I'm talking about here, right?
Well, it's...simple really. It's...me thinking of someone else instead of myself. It's...me thinking of my child instead of me. How could I let her die? She's so pretty. Beautiful in every way, looks like me, well duh, of course she's beautiful! Seriously though, he's sitting with her in his arms across from me, his lips brushing across the soft skin on her forehead and my baby *my* baby, looks content. Happy in his arms, which is where I'll always be happy too.
You know what I wish? I wish I wasn't so stubborn. I wish that I could have just come home...Angel and I would have had a lot longer together and...no, then, I don't. If I'd have never come home, my child would never have been born.
"What are you calling her?" His soft voice breaks into my reverie and I look at him, "Alyssa." I smile, "Alyssa Rhian Chase." Back in High School? My priorities were set. Clothes, parties, boys, not necessarily in that order either. And by God have they changed. I'm not the girl I once was. I used to think of myself before I even contemplated thinking of anyone else. I blame you, Buffy Anne Summers but also...I have to kinda thank you, for without this life, I'd be different. Without Angel, the visions, my friends, my child, I'd be different and I wouldn't have this any other way.
"It's a nice name." His eyes are still on mine, his arms curled protectively around our child. "I know...Alyssa means, Light of The Sun." I tell him softly. His eyes are sparkling with happiness, oh God, how can I do this? How can I leave this all behind? Because...because I have to. To ensure that my child lives, I must die. Sacrifice myself. Ironic really, isn't it? When Buffy died...I knew *she* could do it, she was the Slayer, that's what she did but me? Nah, too self-centred for that...even if it was my sister. But like I said, priorities change, huh?
"Angel? If something was to happen to me...would you...look after her?" I ask softly, trying to keep the tremble from my voice, try to stop the ever increasing pain in my heart. His eyes darken, "Cordy?"
"Oh..." First I want to say, shit. He knows something! But all I say is, "Hypothetically speaking..."
"Hypothetically speaking?" Angel raises his eyebrows, "Hypothetically speaking, Cordelia Chase, I won't *let* anything happen to you, so you don't have to worry."
Oh God, I want to cry. "Angel, you can't protect me forever!" I snap. I have to know! "Angel, please, just let me know you'll look out for her. Let me know you'll care for her like I'd care for Connor if something *else* was to happen to you."
Angel sighs, a pained look gracing chocolate brown eyes, "With my life, Cordy." He whispers, "With my life."
Slowly, he stands up and hands my child to me, "How does it feel, Mommy?" He asked.
"Wonderful." I reply breathlessly, because it does. It feels like everything I ever dreamed of and always wanted. I felt like this when Connor stroked my cheek back in the hotel and called me Mommy. My child's eyes are flitting round the room. Big, brown eyes, looking round...and when she sees Angel, she smiles. I start to cry.
Hello my friend
We meet again
It's been a while
Where should we begin?
Feels like forever
Within my heart
Are memories
Of perfect love that
You gave to me
Oh, I remember
When you are with me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice
We've seen our share
Of ups and downs
Oh, how quickly life
Can turn around
In an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and
Within your mind
Let's find peace there
'Cause when you are
With me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice
I just want to
Say hello again
I just want to
Say hello again
'Cause when you are
With me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice
My sacrifice
This is my sacrifice. Buffy did it to save the world when she killed Angel because it was right. She did it to save the world when she killed herself because it was right. And I'm doing this for my daughter because it's right. Because I can't have her die. I can't have her *be* a Slayer. My tears are dropping onto her and Angel quickly wipes them away with the pad of his thumb, "Cordy, talk to me..." He whispers sadly, "What's wrong?"
And I just shake my head because I can't tell him. He'll stop me. And I don't have much time left. "I'm just tired." I lie. Angel sighs. He *knows* I'm lying. He knows. "Okay, I'll let you get some rest." He kisses me. Our third kiss. Our last kiss. Three times lucky? Maybe. Maybe not. Watching him as he leaves is the hardest thing I've ever done, I want to call him back to protect me but I can't. I won't let myself. Slowly, I watch my child until the door opens hours later and a figure steps inside. "Are you ready?" He asks. Putting my child down, I whisper, "I love you...I love you so much. I'm so sorry..."
Looking up, I meet the cold eyes of Gavin Park. Wolfram and Hart. I've made a deal with the devil. They knew. They offered me this way out and I'm desperate. For the first time in my life, I'm actually desperate for a way out. A small woman follows behind him and smiles at me, "Tis a wonderful thing you do for you child. I hope she knows how lucky she is." She whispers.
"Get on with it." Snaps Park. Bastard. I hate you. I hate that you have to take my life and leave my child with no mother. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. My head falls to one side and I stare out the window. Listen as the Witch begins chanting.
In shadows deep we clearer see, the flames that lie within
The quest goes on, we search so strong, let her sacrifice begin
One last look. One last look at my child...and the letter I've written for Angel falls out of my hand, fluttering to the floor as my eyes close, as my lungs take in my last breath. It all goes dark.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A smirk on his face, Gavin Park picks up the child. "Lilah Morgan, eat your heart out." He smiled, taking the child and leaving the hospital the way he came, his walk more confident however. And the Witch stood there, tears on her face before she left, "Oh honey...what did we do?" She whispers, for she too made a deal with the devil. The deal was to make the child safe. And instead, she sold her soul to a place with no morals, no nothing, evil. Apathy. The absence of good which is far worse than evil. And somehow, she knows that things might never be the same again.