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Buffy watched Cole awkwardly pat Dawn on the back as the younger girl sobbed in his arms. Buffy wished she could do the same.
“I’m so sorry,” Angel said softly.
“Thanks for coming,” Buffy replied formally. “And for bringing Cole.”
She didn’t want to notice how worn down Angel looked or the signs of strain when he talked with Cole or the fact that Wes and Cordy had come in a different car and were quietly avoiding Angel. Today was hard enough without her feeling rotten about breaking up with Angel, and acknowledging that Angel was having relationship issues with both his friends and his son made her feel worse than ever about what she was going to do.
It wasn’t like she wanted to break-up, not really, even with everything that was going wrong between them, but her mom had wanted her to date other guys, human guys specifically. They’d fought about Buffy renewing her relationship with Angel almost everyday since she’d decided to get back together with him.
Buffy thought things should have died down after Angel went back to LA, against her expressed wishes, but Joyce had simply taken his absence as an invitation to up the pressure on Buffy to ‘give humans a fair try’.”
They’d even argued about it the morning before IT had happened, now Buffy felt obligated to do as her mother asked, almost in a last wishes sort of way. Which meant she couldn’t breakdown crying in Angel’s arms before the funeral, not when she planned to return his ring after it was over.
Knowing that Angel was miserable already didn’t help. Still, maybe breaking up with him would actually help whatever was wrong between Angel and Cole, Buffy thought. Angel and Anna weren’t like her parents; they hadn’t gotten a divorce. They both thought the other was gone forever or beyond their reach. Probably the only reason they weren’t back together already was her. Cole would probably be delighted to have his parents together. Buffy knew she’d wanted her parents to get back together after the divorce.
Beyond that Anna had things in common with Angel that she’d never have, Buffy continued in her thoughts. Being born in the same country, not to mention the same century for one. They’d probably been childhood sweethearts or something equally nauseating. Maybe they’d been married, cause that was way back when and premarital sex had been strongly frowned upon. They probably had been married or at least engaged. If he’d been anyone else, Buffy would have found the whole thing incredibly romantic; lovers separated by fate finding each other again after centuries apart. Very “Princess Bride” actually, and while it wasn’t as classical as “Romeo and Juliet” it was a lot more fun to live.
Then there was Cole. Buffy knew Angel really wanted children. He must consider the number of times he brought it up. Buffy had certainly never suggested that she wanted them but Angel kept insisting that his inability to have them was a problem, the only thing Buffy could conclude was that he wanted kids so much that he just assumed she did too. Now he and Anna had Cole, probably the only child Angel would ever have.
And her mother had wanted her to date humans, Buffy concluded, so her breaking up with Angel was really doing what was best for everyone.
Dragging things out because she wanted to cry on Angel’s shoulder during the funeral was just being stupid. Buffy wondered if Angel had agonized over the best time to break-up with her back in High School, if he’d thought about when it would hurt the least. She wondered if he would have waited till after the Prom if she hadn’t insisted on knowing what was wrong that day in the sewers. More likely he had wanted to wait until after the Ascension, Buffy thought, that way if one of them had died it would have been a moot point anyway.
“Buffy, they’re ready to start,” Giles said gently taking her by the elbow and guiding her into the mortuary.
That’s right, Buffy thought, a public service and a viewing at the mortuary, then a private ceremony at the graveside, after that life was supposed to start again.
Giles seated Buffy in a curtained off area to the side of the main room that was reserved for family or in this case for Buffy, Dawn and those friends who had always been as close if not closer than family. Certainly they were more her family than her father who couldn’t be reached, not even in an emergency.
Buffy recognized a bleached head near the rear of the chapel. Where had Spike gotten a suit? He looked almost respectable, even if the cross over the altar was making him squirm. He actually looked saddened.
It really showed how much distance her father had allowed to come between himself and his family; even a semi-reformed, former arch-nemesis cared more about them than her father did.
____________________________________________________________________________
“Angel could I talk to you for a minute,” Buffy asked.
“Of course,” Angel said, he walked over to Buffy.
She took his hand and placed her claddagh ring in it. “I’m sorry,” she said.
Angel stared at the ring in disbelief. “Why?” he asked his voice sounding lost.
“It wasn’t working,” Buffy said. “We’ve barely spoken to each other since we got back together. When we actually are together all we do is fight.”
“Buffy, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you before I left Sunnydale last time. The truth was I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have answers for the questions everyone was asking… I needed time to figure things out myself before I could discuss it. And I’m made so many bad choices lately. I know that. But things are going to get better again, please trust me.” As he spoke he cast a quick wistful glance toward Cordelia and Wesley who were chatting together quietly.
Buffy felt a pang of guilt, “I’m sure you’ll work things out with them,” she said. “They really do care a lot about you, but it’s not just the whole Darla mess that I’m talking about. You and me as a couple, we don’t work anymore. You’ve got your life in LA and I’ve got mine in Sunnydale. We’re not a part of each other’s world anymore.”
Angel took a deep, totally unneeded breath they said, “Alright… if that’s how you feel… still… if you ever need me… Please don’t hesitate to call, about anything, I’ll always be there for you, always… but if you want me to leave…”
“I think that would be for the best,” Buffy said unhappily. “Except Dawn… maybe you’d better stay, Dawn still looks like she needs a shoulder to cry on.”
“Right…” Angel’s voice sounded distant, all emotion had been carefully removed from his tone. “I’m sure Cordelia and Wesley wouldn’t mind giving Cole a ride back to LA later… I’ll set it up with them then get out of your way.”
“I really am sorry,” Buffy reiterated watching Angel as he put her ring in his pocket and walked away.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Buffy crept silently through her living room, trying not to disturb any of the blanketed bodies of her friends.
Yesterday everyone had just wanted to extend the post funeral gathering, because it was easier than facing that life was going to start again in the morning. Finally the whole thing had resolved into a big, somber sleep over.
Buffy shut the door between the living room and the kitchen then turned on the light.
She jumped in surprise when the light revealed Spike already at the stove heating water for their hot chocolate.
“I thought it was my turn to make the comfort food,” he whispered. “Didn’t want to disturb the horde in there so I left the lights out, don’t really need ‘em with my night vision anyway.”
“Thanks,” Buffy sighed slipping easily into the routine of quiet companionship that they’d established over the last month, since Spike had killed Drucilla to save Dawn.
After about half a mug of coco Spike said. “I’m sorry about your mum. She was nice, even to me.”
Buffy smiled tearily at Spike. “Thanks,” she said.
They drifted back into silence.
“Heard you called it quits with Angel,” Spike said, getting up to make a new batch of coco.
Buffy groaned.
“What?” Spike asked.
“Don’t Spike, just don’t,” Buffy said.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t anything. Don’t think it has anything to do with you. Don’t get your hopes up. Don’t expect that to change anything between us,” Buffy replied.
“Doesn’t it?” Spike asked. “You can’t say your dating someone else now.”
“When did I ever say that?” Buffy demanded. “Besides, it doesn’t matter, I broke up with Angel because my mom wanted me to date humans.”
“Oh,” Spike said after an unhappy pause. “You tell Angel that?”
“No,” Buffy said.
“Why not?”
“It just felt wrong. I don’t know. I didn’t want him to blame it on mom or on his being a vampire I guess. I don’t know why.”
“But you told me?” Spike asked sounding hopeful again.
Buffy leaned her forehead against the counter in defeat.
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