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“Angel’s self-confidence is totally shot. He utterly despises himself. He wakes up screaming more than once a night because of nightmares. He thinks he’s completely useless and a failure, so he doesn’t even try to accomplish anything.” Cordelia summed up the situation. “So I think you two are the most qualified to fix him.”
Xander and Wesley looked at each other uncertainly, then back at Cordelia. “How did you come to that conclusion?” Wesley asked.
“You guys were total losers once, and while you’ve still got a long way to go, you’re not anymore,” Cordelia explained.
“That’s the Queen C version of a compliment,” Xander whispered loudly.
“It’s a statement of fact,” Cordelia said. “I’m going to sit with Angel for awhile, you know he gets all weird when we leave him alone too long.”
Watching Cordelia walk up the stairs Wesley said, “She’s right you know, before joining Angel in LA, I did very little good. In Sunnydale I was unneeded, actually a liability more than once. Angel gave me a place, trusted me with responsibilities, he gave me a chance to prove myself. I owe him.”
“Speak for yourself,” Xander said. “But I do owe Angel for helping me in Chicago, so count me in.”
“Actually, your experience in Chicago may be exactly what we need to help Angel to take the next step forward,” Wesley said.
“I don’t follow,” Xander replied.
“Angel’s injuries took him back to his human life, through the person of his younger sister, for whom Cordelia served as a proxy. Darla was the connection between the ending of Angel’s human life and his becoming a vampire. Because of his soul’s presence, reclaiming Angelus’ memories brought him to the point when he regained his soul for the first time. You met him in 1920, not long after he regained his soul. You are the next link, the one who can help him remember how to live with the memories of his actions while soulless.”
“Not me,” Xander said. “At best, I gave him a push in the right direction. Donnely was the friend who probably brought him back into contact with humans. That guy was determined to see that Angel was okay, I came back to my own time before I’d done Angel much good.”
“This Donnely is quite probably dead,” Wesley said. “Couldn’t you be him for Angel, like Cordelia took Kathleen’s place?”
“Angel doesn’t think of me as a friend,” Xander protested.
“While he and Cordelia developed a sibling relationship sometime after meeting up in LA,” Wesley finished. “Perhaps if you tell him about Donnely?”
“Donnely was a lieutenant in the first world war. His family was Irish. He was the first person Angel ever rescued. He helped Angel get to the US and still wanted to be a friend even after he found out about Angel being a vampire,” Xander said. “That’s all I know about him. I don’t think that it’s enough to do any good. Oh and he used to call Angel Angie.”
“It’s a starting point,” Wesley said. “Enough information to start researching.”
______________________________________________________________
Cordelia sat beside Angel, discretely checking his hands for any additional burns. When Gunn had brought him back the souled vampire had been clinging desperately to a small cross, completely disregarding the damage it was doing to his already shattered hands, quietly reciting the Lord’s Prayer over and over again. Gunn said he’d been like that for hours.
Cordelia had managed to persuade him to give up the cross and to feed, but when she left him alone for any length of time Angel would go back to reciting prayers, slipping between English, Latin and Gaelic without realizing it. Cordelia was the only thing outside of his own mind that could catch and hold his interest. He would watch her with a confused curiosity, but he didn’t say anything, not even to her.
Within minutes of her entering the room, Angel’s soft murmuring stumbled to a halt.
“You’re not her are you?” Angel asked after almost a half hour of silence. “I really killed Kathleen, didn’t I?”
“It was way before my time,” Cordelia replied, restraining her impulse to squeal gleefully over the fact that Angel was actually talking to someone.
Angel stared at her with a grim look that told Cordelia that her answer hadn’t been good enough.
Cordelia sighed, the last thing she wanted to do was push him completely over the edge, but she wouldn’t lie or soft-pedal the truth. Her parents had lied all the time, about everything and look what it had gotten them. Lies always came out, not just the big ones like the lies they’d told to the IRS, the little lies came out too. Cordelia remembered all the lies her parents told her to explain why they couldn’t take the time to do things with her, she’d found out the truth, eventually. That was why Cordelia never lied, not even in the name of being tactful, the lies only made the truth hurt worse when it did come out.
On the other hand, this wasn’t a case of protecting someone’s ego cause they just couldn’t see that orange wasn’t their color. This was about protecting Angel who tended toward depression on a good day, from the knowledge that he had murdered someone he loved.
“He will find out,” Cordelia reminded herself sternly. “And at least this way if he goes all suicidal I’m here to stop him.”
“You probably did,” she said. “It’s what vampires do, they kill people and your psycho protégé, Penn, had a real thing about family blood, you probably taught him that since the guy hadn’t had an original thought in two centuries. The thing is, you didn’t have a soul then, there was nothing to stop the demon from running riot. Now that you’ve got your soul back you’re a good person, you help people, you’ve changed. Angel please don’t get so fixated on wallowing in self-hatred about all the bad stuff you did that you forget that you can and are making up for it.”
“I don’t know how to help people,” Angel said. “All I remember is how to destroy them.”
______________________________________________________________
“Alright, we’ve discovered that Lt. Kevin Donnely was born in 1897, in Chicago, to parents of Irish decent. He was drafted in 1917 and sent to the European Theater of World War I. Several months after arriving in France, he broke his leg during a charge; the shifting front lines placed him in German territory. Angel found him there and brought him to an Allied medical station. Donnely originally claimed alternately that an angel or a member of the Sidhe had rescued him. He was slated for psychological review until Angel showed up again and explained that Donnely had been confused by his name,” Wesley reported.
“What’s a Sidhe?” Xander asked.
“An elf, in Irish mythology,” Wesley replied absently. “After that there were several reports filed mentioning Angel. There was apparently a great deal of curiosity regarding him. He acted as a medic for the remainder of the war. One commander attempted to have Angel awarded a metal for his actions despite the fact that Angel had no formal allegiance to any army. In 1918 the war ended. Donnely returned to his home in Chicago and Angel disappeared.”
“Angel went to Chicago too,” Xander added. “Donnely helped him stow-away on one of the returning troop carriers. He really thought Angel was an elf? Isn’t Angel kind of big to be an elf?”
“After years of associating with the Slayer and a Watcher, it’s appalling how Disney-ifed your notions of the supernatural are,” Wesley commented.
“Okay, I’ll take that to mean elves aren’t particularly small or fond of green clothing,” Xander replied.
“In 1923 Kevin Donnely married Laura Keys, one of the official witnesses to the wedding was one Angelus Jones. That makes it probable that Angel severed as Donnely’s best man in the ceremony. The Donnelys had a daughter, Shannon, approximately a year later. Both Kevin and Laura Donnely died in 1930. Laura of an undetermined illness a week after Kevin was killed during a botched robbery attempt. There was no mention of Angel beyond his signature on the marriage documents, nor could I find anything further about Shannon Donnely.”
“I guess that means Angel took my advice about letting Donnely be a friend,” Xander commented.
“It would appear so, I also retrieved a picture of Lt. Donnely. Hopefully this will be enough to spark Angel’s memory,” Wesley said.
______________________________________________________________
Angel held the picture of the young army lieutenant carefully as he listened to Xander recite a list of facts and dates about the man. Flashes of memory filled in the gaps between Xander’s dry facts and scanty suppositions.
______________________________________________________________
“Stay away demon!” The solider screamed in pain and terror, blood flecked his lips as he spoke. The man would be dead in an hour. Nothing could change that.
Angelus moved closer to the fallen solider, trying to shut out his conscious’ protests. The blood was still live, incredibly desirable and he was doing nothing wrong, the man was dead regardless of whether or not the vampire fed off him. It didn’t stop Angelus from feeling guilt.
The man’s terrified screams as Angelus sank his fangs into the soldier’s jugular vein were a torturous reminder of his past. “But then what wasn’t?” Angelus wondered. The last nineteen years had been a never-ending nightmare of guilt, regret and futile attempts to adapt to what the gypsies had done to him.
After a few moments the soldier’s screams quieted and he became still in the vampire’s arms. Angelus carefully laid his victim out, straightening his limbs, closing his staring eyes, paying respect to the dead man as best as he was able.
The battlefield was relatively quiet for the moment, explosions and gunfire were miles distant and in the stillness Angelus heard a frightened plea. “Ag Cabhru, Danann,” Angelus’ startled mind automatically translated the plea to the goddess Dana for help.
Curious, the vampire began looking for the source of the plea. He hadn’t heard anyone mention Dana since his mother’s death more than a century and a half-ago.
A young American solider with the bones of his lower leg protruding from his shin was still repeating his plea for help with Angelus located him a few minutes later. “Ta tu gortaigh (you’re hurt),” Angelus said, awkwardly in long unused Gaelic, “Nu bog (don’t move).”
“Ag Cabhru (help)?” The man asked uncertainly.
“Ag Cabhru (help),” Angelus agreed inspecting the man’s injury. He could probably set the bones, he’d done it before when one of William’s adventures had led to injuries in Angelus’ family, it wasn’t as if they could go to a doctor.
“Angelus is ainm dom (Angelus is my name),” the vampire introduced himself, wondering if the man would pass out from the pain of having his leg set.
“You’re an Angel?” the solider asked.
“You speak English,” Angelus said, sighing in relief. “I don’t remember much Gaelic anymore.”
“Am I dying?” the solider asked.
“No, you broke your leg. I’ll set it, then if you’d point me toward your side I’ll get you back to your people,” Angelus promised impulsively.
“Did Dana send you? I’m Kevin Donnely, my Grandmother told me stories about Dana when I was a kid, I thought it couldn’t hurt,” the solider babbled.
“I heard you calling on her,” Angelus replied. “I had thought my mother’s religion was long forgotten. Hell, no one except her family practiced it even back then. My father thought it was all bunk.”
With a sharp tug, Angelus realigned Donnely’s broken bones. He wasn’t surprised when the human passed out. With a quick efficiency Angelus dressed the wound then picked up the unconscious solider and started walking toward where he believed the Allied lines where.
______________________________________________________________
“Lt. Donnely?” Angelus said shyly.
“Hi, I’m glad you came,” Donnely said struggling to sit up despite the rigging on his broken leg. “I wanted to thank you.”
“I liked helping,” Angelus replied. “The doctors here have been teaching me to do a better job. They told me you could have gone into shock because I didn’t keep you warm. And I’m sorry my name got you in trouble.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Donnely replied. “You saved me, it’s not your fault I decided I’d been rescued by an angel or one of Dana’s Sidhe and told all the doctors about it. It’s no wonder they decided I was crazy.”
“Maybe not,” Angelus replied. “My mother always claimed her family was descended from the Tuatha De Danann.”
Donnely laughed abruptly. “Don’t go telling the docs that Angie, or you’ll be the one they be looking to cart off to the loony bin. So I hear you’ve volunteered as a field medic, where were you stationed previously?”
“I wasn’t,” Angelus replied simply.
“You were just out wandering around a battle field in the middle of the night for you health?” Donnely asked.
“I’m odd that way,” Angelus said with a half-smile.
“I’m grateful for your oddness,” Donnely replied taking the souled vampires arm in a friendly clasp.
______________________________________________________________
“Angie, I heard you were spending the day with the 53rd,” Donnely exclaimed, ducking as he entered the low ceilinged bunker.
“Hey Kevin,” Angie replied with a smile, looking up from the patient he’d been transporting off the frontlines when dawn had caught up with him.
“We’re not scheduled to move today, so we should have a chance to catch up,” Donnely said, settling beside his friend. “So you finally decided to join up?”
Angie glanced down at the uniform he wore, brushing a hand through his too short hair, even after two weeks it still seemed strange; he couldn’t remember ever having had short hair before. “This work’s hard on ones clothes,” he explained. “The supply master in Reims decided I was a disgrace and should be properly outfitted. The haircut seemed like a good idea at the time. I’m still under my own command. It works better that way, I never really cared for following orders.”
“I don’t know many who’d dare to give them to you,” Donnely replied. “You’re something of a legend, more than one of the men you brought in swears they’ve seen you walk through gas or take bullets and not come to harm. Coupled with your name the stories are something to hear Angel.”
“People swear to all sorts of impossible things,” Angie replied, feeling uncomfortable. “It makes for better stories. I’ve heard talk that the war will be over soon?”
“The marines stopped the German advance at the Marne,” Donnely said. “Now we’re pushing them back. I’ve heard the Canadians made heavy inroads into the German lines, 14,000 yards in a single day.”
“I’m thinking maybe I’ll go to America once this is all over,” Angie said.
______________________________________________________________
“It’s all set Angie,” Donnely said. “Just get on the ship with the 1047th, no one’s going to mention that you don’t actually belong to them. Here’s your uniform and my address in the States, if you ever need anything you can come to me for help, or just come visit.”
“Thanks Kevin,” Angie replied accepting the bundle of clothing.
______________________________________________________________
Angel remembered the two years following the armistice less clearly. He had wandered from city to city, not knowing what to do with himself, feeling useless.
Then he’d tried to treat a small child. It certainly wasn’t the first time Angel had watched someone he’d tried to save die, but the three-year-old boy shouldn’t have died. The boy had been choking on a piece of candy he’d swallowed. It should have been a simple thing to help the boy, only he’d been so small and Angel had misjudged his own strength. The boy’s ribs had broken and punctured a lung; the child had died in agony.
Horrified Angel had fled the scene. In penance he began wearing a cross. The burning symbol of God had been a constant reminder of what he was, a creature damned in God’s sight.
He tried to pretend he was human, even to the point of stopping drinking blood and attending church regularly. It didn’t stop the cross from burning him; there was no forgiveness to be found.
Bloodlust had gradually driven Angel away from people, but his growing mental confusion had begun to dull the guilt more effectively than people ever could. The world faded into a hazy fog, nothing quite seemed to matter or even reach Angel, except for the constant hunger he felt. Then he’d run into Donnely again. The man had been flatly determined to save him from himself. Angel ignored Donnely’s efforts like he ignored everything else.
Shortly after that the future-friend had appeared in Angel’s life. The boy’s constant, insistent presence had drawn Angel back from his comfortable oblivion and created hope for the future. Then the boy had left for his own time and Angel had been alone again.
______________________________________________________________
“Hello Kevin,” Angel said uncertainly. “I thought, maybe, if you wanted to, we could talk?”
“I’ve been worried about you Angie,” Donnely said.
“I’m not what I appear,” Angel said nervously. “Not human.”
“But you are from Galway aren’t you?” Donnely asked. “What you’ve told me is true?”
“I didn’t lie,” Angel said. “I didn’t tell you everything, but I didn’t lie.”
“I’d figured that,” Donnely said. “You took so many chances Angie, I always figured you weren’t quite human. A human wouldn’t have survived. I imagined that you really were Sidhe, like I’d first thought, you’re not are you?”
Angel shook his head sadly, “Nothing so innocent, I’m a vampire, a monster.”
“What you are doesn’t change what you’ve done. You aren’t a monster, Angelus,” Donnely insisted.
“You have no idea what I’ve done,” Angel said darkly.
“Then you’ve changed,” Donnely said firmly. “That’s all that matters.”
______________________________________________________________
Donnely sighed in disgust as he watched Angie fade into the background of the party. The vampire was simply too adept at lurking.
“Angie, I didn’t drag you here so you could sulk in the corner,” Donnely said. “It won’t kill you to socialize a little. Now I’m going to introduce you to a few friends and when I collect Laura for the next dance you will carry on a conversation.”
“Yes sir, Lt. Sir. I am ordered to socialize,” Angie said sarcastically. “Sometime Kevin, I feel more like your pet project than your friend.”
“Unlike you, I won’t live forever,” Donnely said seriously. “I caught up to you in physical age this year. When I die you’re going to have to make new friends, and I’m going to see that you know how to do that.”
“Don’t worry Kevin, the future will take care of itself.”
______________________________________________________________
“I finally did it!” Donnely exclaimed bursting into the apartment he shared with Angie.
Sleepily the vampire walked into the main room. “Did what?” he asked.
“I asked Laura to marry me. She said yes!”
“Congratulations Kevin,” Angie said.
“I want you to be my best man,” Donnely continued.
“Kevin… thank you, but won’t my sunlight problem complicate things?” Angie asked.
“Laura knows you can’t handle sunlight, she’s okay with a night time ceremony,” Donnely explained.
“You really want me there?” Angie asked.
“Of course I do Angie, you’re my best friend,” Donnely said almost angrily. “Why can’t you accept that people like you?”
______________________________________________________________
“Shannon sweet, please close the curtains,” Angie said watching his small charge from the corner of the room where he’d been trapped. He wondered where his sanity had been when he’d agreed to watch the three-year-old girl while Kevin and Laura visited her family for the day.
Laura’s younger brother had just completed college and she wanted to attend the graduation ceremony, but Shannon wouldn’t have been able to sit still for the lengthy function. Angie had been flattered that the couple had trusted him to watch their daughter and had agreed without a second thought.
Now he was having second thoughts. The tiny girl had an endless supply of energy and she didn’t sleep days.
“Kevin promised he’d be back before I leave for work,” Angie reminded himself. “That’s only five hours away, she can’t kill me in five hours.”
“Shannon, I’m serious, shut the curtains now!” Angie ordered.
Grinning like the little imp she was, Shannon ignored the trapped vampire and drug a chair below the cabinet where she knew Angie kept cookies for her.
“No, you’ve had more than enough sugar for one day,” Angie said.
“Want tookie,” Shannon replied unrepentantly, and climbed on to the chair.
“Shannon!” Angie said warningly.
Standing on the seat of the chair the three-year-old was still too short to reach the shelf holding the cookies, determinedly she climbed on to the back of the chair. Angie could see the chair tipping under her weight.
Moving with an inhuman speed, Angie darted across the deadly strip of sunlight and snatched the falling girl from the air.
Smoking from his exposure to the sun and shaking from nervousness Angie sank to the floor cradling the child in his arms.
Shannon’s huge blue eyes blinked a few times as she tried to process what had happened, in one instant she’d felt the chair tipping under her and in the next she’d been here, safe with Angie, several feet past the chair which lay on its side on the floor.
“Fun!” Shannon declared. “Do it again!”
“No!” Angie exclaimed. “Never, ever, do that again!”
______________________________________________________________
Xander paused in the recitation of what he and Wesley had managed to unearth of Angel and Donnely’s friendship. The sudden silence brought Angel back to the present with a start.
“I remember that,” Angel said quietly. “Those nine years were probably the most contented I’d ever been in my life. I was closer to Kevin, Laura and Shannon than I had been to my own family, excluding Kathy. I was happy with what I was for the first time in my life, even if I still regretted what I’d done before being cursed.”
“I worked as a night watchmen for the shipping company that employed Kevin. I got along well with the people there. I’d even have called a few of them friends.”
“Laura was an incorrigible matchmaker, but I wasn’t comfortable seeing anyone, because I knew it couldn’t go anywhere.”
“Do you remember what happened?” Xander asked.
“It all fell apart,” Angel said. “To start with the stock market crashed. It didn’t affect me much directly, vampires don’t exactly need money to live on, but it hit Kevin hard. He lost money in the crash and the shipping company went under not long after.”
“I convinced Kevin to let me rent a room from him to help with expenses, but there were only so many odd jobs either of us could find. Then Laura got sick.”
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