Rating: R
Content: A/C romance, A/C/D friendship
Summary: Cordelia learns a little bit more about her lover's past.
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by Joss Whedon & David Greenwalt. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Notes: Set a year after Relationships. Can be a solo story or a sequel if you think it fits. This was a hard one, I don't really know if it's good or bad. Let me know, okay?
Feedback: Please! I'm addicted to the stuff!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Angel walked through the deserted, wrecked house. He inhaled the familiar
dusty scent that he thought would never meet his nose again. He didn't
know how, why or when he had gotten here. He moved from room to room, bodies
everywhere. As he approached one, all but three vanished. A draft flew
through the house making Angel shiver. He wanted to leave, but was unable
to. The house had a hold on him. He walked past the two familiar bodies,
his parents. He could feel his blood boil as his father's discouraging
words clouded his mind.
"Asshole." He muttered. His mother was no better. Never a word of encouragement
or praise. He knew the last corpse. He tried not to, but ended up kneeling
next to his sister's form. She looked exactly the same. A vision really.
Her beauty would've blinded men. Long, dark, wazy, brown hair. Dark, sparkling
green eyes. She could've been a noble woman. He chuckled weakly as a memory
slipped through his mind.
***
"That is not funny Liam." Kathy said, in a angry tone.
"I am not joking. You could be a noble woman."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I do not wish to be a mindless woman who is given to a man as a gift.
That is not something I am looking
forward to."
"You think too much. It is possible to be too intelligent Kathy."
***
Angel sighed a shakey sigh as his eyes drifted over the puncture wound
on her neck.
"Not smart enough. Too religious for your own good, beliving that I,
he, was an angel. Not your fault though. Our, your mother was a very religious
woman. Filling your head with all that nonsense." He stared at her. "Kathy."
It escaped his lips as a whisper and he grabbed her hand, held it to his
lips and kissed it, his eyes closing and letting a stray tear fall down
his face. When they opened, he jumped back away from her. Her body was
decayed and aged. Angel wished himself dead. The corner drew his attention
as he watched in horror as she ran to go open the door. "No! Kathy no!"
Angel screamed to his sister. Hoping, wishing, praying she might hear him.
He saw Angelus grab her. Angelus looked at Angel, almost knowing he was
there, and sent him a wicked grin before biting Kathy. Angel let out a
primal cry of agony and shot up, sending Cordelia off of him and the bed.
He was panting, sweat rolling down his face and body. He ran a shakey hand
through his hair, eyes welled up with unshed tears. Cordelia climbed back
on, Angel looked at her.
"Angel. What's wrong?" He looked so afraid. "Oh God Angel. You're soak
and wet." She sighed. This wasn't the first time this had happened. Every
night this week since Monday. She reached to the night stand and grabbed
the washcloth that was there. She handed it to Angel who wiped his face,
finally gaining composure. "Did you have another dream?"
"Yeah."
"You want to tell me about it?" Silence. "I guess not." Angel looked
at her.
"It's not you Cor. I just can't really talk about it right now." *Sometimes
he's like a teenager, I swear.* She thought.
"It's okay. But you're going to have to tell me eventually."
"I know." She wrapped her arms around him and they layed back down.
Her comforting him for a change. Her hand caressed his face and eventually
he fell back asleep. She watched as he began to toss and turn. Shaking
her head, she got out of bed and went into the living room of the apartment,
where Doyle had decided to sleep last night on the couch. He stirred awake
and smiled at her, his blue eyes barely open.
"Mornin' Princess." She returned the smile, went to the kitchen and
started the coffee before heading back to the living room. She sat on a
chair across from Doyle. "Why you lookin' so down?" He looked at her face,
which fell more when he asked. "Angel the reason you're getting wrinkles
from worrying?"
"Yeah...I'm getting wrinkles?" He smiled and shook his head.
"No." Cordelia threw the pillow that was on the chair at him. Then
she let out a sigh.
"I'm just so worried about him Doyle. He's woken up like this four
days in a row. It's only Thursday. And he won't talk to me."
"Cordy, Angel don't talk much."
"I know. But you haven't seen him Doyle. He wakes up covered with sweat
and he gets this face like he just saw the devil himself. He can't speak.
Like someone won't let him. And when he goes back to sleep, he tosses and
turns, and it starts all over again. And it's like he wants to tell me,
but his mouth won't form the words."
"I'm gonna let you in on a little secret Princess. You're vampire in
there is scared."
"Scared? Of what?"
"Okay. He's probably going to kill me horribley and painfully when
I tell you this, but I'll level with ya. There's a lot you don't know about
Angel Cor."
"I know. Big bad past. Things he wishes he didn't do..."
"It's not that cut and dry. There are things he did that make him cringe
when they come to mind, with soul and without. He's afraid that if he tells
you..." Doyle paused for a long time and Cordelia became impatient.
"If he tells me..."
"He's afraid you'll be disgusted with him and you'll leave him." Cordelia
was shocked.
"I would never leave Angel. I love him."
"He knows you do. But he also knows that if you found out some of the
things he did, you wouldn't look at him the same. He doesn't think it would
be the same between you two. So, he's not going to be too forth coming
with the talking about his past." She nodded.
"I guess you're right. But I still need to know." She said, getting
up and going near the door. "If only to prove that I'm not going to leave
him." She heard the water turn on in the bathroom. She raised an eyebrow
at Doyle. "It's alive." She said before going in the room. She shut and
locked the door. She removed her clothes, leaving them where they fell
before stepping into the bathroom and opening the curtain. "Room for one
more?" She asked. He jumped as he heard her voice. *Shouldn't he have sensed
me?* She thought, then stepped in. She ran a hand threw his hair and over
his face, his hand on top of hers. "You okay?"
"I'll live." He said, then thought about it. "Well, you know what I
mean." She nodded and pressed her lips to his lovingly as he pulled them
backwards, into the spray.
Angel sat down on the bed, dressed in a pair of black pants. He felt
so wiped out. Exhausted even though he had slept. He looked at his shirt
on the table across from him. Only a foot away, but it seemed like miles.
(You really are pathetic, you know that?) He thought to himself. Gathering
all his energy he reached for the shirt that seemed to distance it's self
from him. He grabbed it and put his arms through. But he was so worn out,
he couldn't find the strangth to button it. He layed back on the bed with
a flop, shirt open. Cordelia came out of the bathroom after putting on
her "face" and looked at him.
"Not that I don't like the view, but shouldn't you finish." He tried
to lift his head but couldn't. "Okay. This has gone far enough." She sat
next to him, and he almost sat up, leaning all his weight on his arms.
"What has?"
"This! You! I swear Angel, you confuse the hell out of me!" He looked
at her, no energy to argue with her. Or to speak right now. "It's like,
you say you trust me-"
"I do trust you Cordelia."
"Then why won't you talk to me?" She asked, her eyes mistily pleading
with his. For the first time, Angel realized how much this was affecting
her. He wrapped his arms around her and she started to cry.
"Shhh. Baby, it's alright. Everything's fine." She pushed him away
and he stared at her shocked.
"No! It's not! Because you don't trust me Angel! You say you do, but
you don't! And if you can lie about that, you can lie about anything. Even
us." He had hurt her. He had hurt the most important person in his life
and he only knew of one way to fix it. He wasn't going to like it, and
it was risking everything he had built with her, but he had to try.
"I can't lie about us Delia." He said, hand on her cheek, thumb brushing
away her tears as he put a gentle kiss to her lips. "You know my feelings
for you are real. And I trust you more than anyone." She stared at him,
an incredulous look on her face. He took in a heavy sigh and she stared
at him. "In 1753, a twenty-six year old man named Liam lived in Galway,
Ireland. He was nothing but an irresposible layabout who got drunk in taverns
every night and slept around with loose girls and courtesans. His father
disapproved of him, and feared the man he would become. One night, Liam
went out again. His father told him that if he left, to not return. Liam's
younger sister, Kathy, begged him to stay. He didn't and left to yet another
pub. He got into yet another fight before realizing someone was watching.
A lovely, charming woman with fair skin and light eyes." Cordelia couldn't
help but wonder what this had to do with him. "Curious as to what a beautiful
lady like her was doing there, he followed her down an alley. She promised
to show him the world and a better life. He believed she could. She turned
him, damning him for eternity. With her... 'encouragement,' Liam went after
his family. Before slaughtering them all and showing his father exactly
what kind of man he had become, his sister called him an angel." Angel
buried his head in his face. Cordelia finally understood. "Which is where
he got his vampiric name. Angelus." Cordy stared at Angel and saw how bad
this was hurting him. Seconds that felt like hours went by. Angel was going
out of his mind. He needed her to say something. Anything! Just as long
as she stopped sending him that blank look.
"Is that what you were afraid of telling me?" She asked in a small
voice. He nodded slightly. She put her hand on his cheek and he covered
it with his own, fingers intertwining. He could still see the love in her
eyes and it hadn't faltered. He didn't understand why though. "Angel. You
can tell me anything, alright?" A wave of understanding passed through
them. She kissed him, hands rubbing over his bare chest when he stopped
her.
"Don't." She gave him a confused look. He gave her a little smile.
"Quit listening and come on in Doyle." Cordelia turned around and looked
at him.
"I was just, um, I wanted to hear the story."
"You know the story." Angel said. Doyle suddenly looked very nervous.
"Pethetic, much?" Her eyes shifted back to Angel. "We need to get Doyle
a girlfriend."
"Funny." Doyle said, the embarrassed look still on his face. Cordelia
released his hand and went to the door.
"Well, I have to go eat something. I'm starving."
"I'll make you some eggs in a minute." She smiled brightly at him and
left the room. Doyle looked at Angel.
"So. Did you tell her?"
"Yeah."
"And did she pack her stuff and leave?"
"No."
"Is she looking at you like you're a psychotic maniac?"
"No."
"Does she love you any less?" Before he could answer Doyle finished.
"No! And from the sight of things when I came in, she's still very into
you if you know what I mean."
"Shut up." Angel said with a sheepish smile. "Now, I have to go make
her something to eat." He walked out of the room.
Cordelia flinched as she felt a heavy arm fly over her body forcefully.
She startled and woke up. Looking at him she saw his eyes moving under
his lids and his mouth muttering words that weren't audible. She moved
her hand to him and shook him.
"Angel. Angel, wake up." She couldn't shake him out of it as he continued
to thrash in the bed. She heard him all but screaming and she continued
to shake him. "Angel! Wake up!" Eventually he woke. His face was distorted
with a mixture of guilt, dread, hurt and revulsion. Her face changed to
one of concern and pain itself. "Angel." She wrapped her arms around him
and he finally broke down. Burying his head in her shoulder, he cried,
gripping her tightly.
"Cordy."
"Shhh. It's okay Angel."
"God. Everything I did...I'm never going to make up for it Cor. I never
can." Tears filled her eyes as she ran her hands through his hair, trying
to soothe him. About an hour later, his sobbing ceased. He stared at her,
eyes red and swollen. Cordelia didn't know what to do. She had never seen
him so scared...so vulnerable. All she could do was hold him, wanting to
take the memories away. He let her heat wash over him, warming him. Angel
thanked God for sending this amazing woman to him. "Thank you." He whispered
to her. She pressed her lips to his softly. His arms pulled her closer
to him. He needed to feel her. Then, there was a knock on the door. Angel
pulled away with a groan of frustration. "Come on in Doyle." Doyle slowly
opened the door and walked in the room.
"Sorry to break up the party."
"What's up? Vision?"
"You know it."
"Of..." Doyle sent him an apoligetic look.
"Your home boss." Anyone who saw Angel would've thought it impossible
for his face to fall any more, but it did when Doyle said those words.
"I don't know why, but they want you there."
"No. I can't. Are you sure?"
"Positive." Angel ran his hands over his face and through his hair.
He got up and walked into the kitchen. Opening a cupboard, he pulled out
a bottle of whisky.
"I need a drink." Doyle was there in an instant.
"I knew you were holding out on me." Angel downed one glass, pouring
himself a second. "I called the airport. We leave tomorrow at six. Right
when the sun goes down." Angel finished his second, pouring himself a thrid.
"Never knew you were such a drinker."
"Most vampires can handle their alcohol pretty easily. Takes more than
a few glasses..." He drank the third and went to pour himself a fourth
when Cordelia's hand stopped him. He looked at her and she took the glass
from him, then the bottle.
"Whisky isn't going to take the pain away Angel."
"But it'll numb it for a while."
"Doyle! You're not helping!"
"Sorry. She's right man. It won't make things better. Take it from
a man who hides all his problems in a flask." Angel didn't really care
about rational thought right now. Cordelia grabbed his hand and pulled
him towards the bedroom.
"Night Doyle."
"Night Princess." They closed the door behind them, removed their clothes,
and layed down on their bed. They pulled the covers up over them and Cordelia
wrapped her arms around Angel. Hands twirling
through his dark locks. She kissed his cheek.
"I love you." That was comfort enough for Angel. But it didn't keep
him from having another nightmare.
Angel stepped into the streets of Galway with Cordelia and Doyle at
his sides. He had been here for days and hadn't even left the hotel. The
horrific dreams had gotten worse. As soon as he closed his eyes, whether
he was awake or asleep, they came right back. He walked, not really knowing
or caring where he was going. Letting his body, not his mind or heart take
him. He felt a tighter tug on his soul and looked at a sign on the road.
He shivered and began to walk down the street. Cordelia and Doyle did there
best to keep up. Angel made a right and sped up. The houses became nicer
with an older look. There weren't as many and they were spread out. Farm
land. Angel suddenly stopped in front of a house that looked like it would
fall down if someone threw a rock at it. Cordelia ran right into Angel's
back, and Doyle into Cordelia. They stared at the house.
"Angel? What are we doing here?" The two asked in unison.
"You guys. This was my house when I was alive." He walked towards the
house and slowly turned the door knob, so slowly, as if the whole house
would fall at his feet. It was strangely unlocked and he walked right in,
both Doyle and Cordelia behind him. He walked throught he house to the
end of the hall. "This was my parents' room." He walked back towards them.
"This one was mine." He kept walking then stopped, moving into another
room. "This was my sister's." He kneeled down and a small smile crept over
his face. "When she was younger, about five, she used to be afraid to sleep
in here. She was afraid to be alone. So every night, I would come in and
stay with her until she fell asleep. One night when she was seven, I came
in and she was sitting in the corner of her bed, holding her knees to her,
shaking. I asked her what was wrong and she said she saw something out
side the window. Something with fangs, yellow eyes, and lumps on his face.
A monster. I told her that it was alright and that monsters didn't exist."
He let out a sad chuckle. "Who would've known that I would be the monster
and the one who killed her." Cordelia put a hand on his shoulder and he
flinched.
"It wasn't you Angel. It was Angelus." He looked at her, trying desperately
to hide all the emotions that were so obvious in his eyes.
"Is there really a difference?" He stood up and walked out of the house.
None of them spoke on the way back to the hotel. As soon as they got into
their room, Angel locked himself in the bathroom and turned on the water.
Cordelia changed into one of Angel's shirt and layed down in the bed, terrified
for her lover. Doyle knocked on the door and she let him in. She layed
down and he sat in a chair and stared at the television. What seemed like
an hour later, he had yet to emerge. The water had turned off, but he hadn't
come out. Cordelia and Doyle exchanged a look and she got up. Carefully,
she turned the knob and opened the door. She jumped as she looked inside,
Doyle right behind her. Angel was siting on the toilet in his boxers. They
could barely breath, it was so hot in the room. His skin looked red and
raw, his hand was wrapped in a small white towel, which was now stained
red. There were broken shards of glass everywhere. The mirror.
"Angel? What...what did you do?" She asked, immediately unwrapping
the towel to expose his slashed hand. His skin was so hot it almost burned
her as she touched him. With his other hand, he picked up a shard of the
broken mirror.
"You never know how much you want something until it's gone. How incredible
life really is. Everything you take advantage of. Taste. It's so different.
Being able to go out into the sunlight. To hold your girlfriend and watch
the sun set or rise. The feel of your heart beat. To breathe. To cough
or sneeze. To feel warm or cold." He stared into the reflective glass.
"To see your own reflextion. Many people wish they didn't have to, but
when you can't, it's one of the many things you miss. When you can't see
yourself, how do you know you're there?" He squeezed and broke the glass.
He looked at his hand as he started to bleed again, completely oblivious
to Cordelia's increasing panic. "And if no one knows you're there, you
don't even exist. So why try?"
"Don't talk like that."
"Why? It's true." He looked at her wanting her to desperately prove
him wrong. She sent Doyle a look and he nodded, leaving the two alone in
their room. "This world would have been so much better without me Cordelia."
"What about everyone you've saved?"
"Compared to everyone I've killed, everything I've done, it's nothing.
It doesn't take it away. I've destroyed the lives, hearts and souls of
so many..."
"It wasn't you. It was Angelus." Angel grabbed her by the fore arms,
gold eyes boring into hers.
"Yes I am! He's always here Cordelia! He never leaves! I am Angelus!"
"No you're not!"
"Yes I am!" He growled, hands tightening on her. She winced in pain,
her whole body going straight. She turned her eyes away from him. "See?
He's always here Cor. Inside of me, buried. I can feel him all the time.
Everytime I'm with you. He revels in the pain I cause you. In the fear.
I cause my family endless pain before I killed them, I don't want to do
the same to you. I love you too much to allow myself to do that." He said
before walking out of the room. Quickly, he got dressed and left the room.
Cordelia ran out of the room, put on a pair of jeans, threw on a jacket,
and went to go get Doyle.
"What's wrong Princess?"
"Doyle." He noticed the tears Cordelia was trying to keep from falling.
"Angel went crazy and he just left."
"Are you okay?"
"No! Doyle, I think he's losing it. All because of these damn dreams!"
They walked to the old house, knowing he would be there. They went into
Kathy's room, and saw Angel leaning agaisnt the wall. He had a pad of paper
with him and a pencil. He concentrated so hard, eyes never leaving the
paper. Cordelia and Doyle looked at the drawing. Angel finished and stared
at it.
"It looks almost exactly like her." He put the paper down on the floor,
a stray tear fell on it. Cordelia put a hand on his shoulder and he covered
it with his own. He stared at it as if it was her. "I'm so sorry Kathy."
He whispered softly. A gust of air flew through the house, shaking it.
Angel took in a deep breath of unneeded air and exhaled. As the wind left,
he felt a bit of the guilt leave to. "I still have one more place I need
to go." He said looking at his friends. They nodded. Angel walked around
the town and into a flower shop. He bought a bouquet of lilies and began
to walk to the cemetary his family was buried, where he once was as well.
"Lilies were her favorite." He said. He walked to her grave like he had
visited it every day for the last two hundred years. He put the flowers
on the grass before it, ashamed by the cheep stones. "Rest in peace Kat.
You're always in my heart." They walked back to the hotel once again, Angel's
arms were wrapped around Cordelia, holding her close. When they got inside
their room, Angel removed her jacket and looked at her arms. he moved his
fingers over her already bruising flesh softly. "Delia...I didn't mean
to...I'm so-" She put a finger to his lips, before pressing her own against
his.
"Don't apoligize. You have nothing to be sorry about. You had a bad
moment...everyone does. Like I said before, I love you. Nothing you do
will ever change that."
"But I hurt you."
"So make it up to me." She said with a mischevious smile. One he was
more then happy to return. Angel scooped Cordelia up in his arms and layed
her down on the bed. Pulling her shirt up, he found that ticklish spot
on Cordelia side. A high pitched screech of laughter escaped her before
a loud moan did. Doyle hesitated on knocking and went back to his room.
He had interupted them enough for a few days.
Angel lay with Cordelia in his arms as a bright light entered the room.
He got up slowly, not wanting to disturb his love. The light took form
and Angel flet his whole body tense up with fear and astonishment.
"Liam...or should I call you Angel?" She whispered. "You've yet to
age." She said with a smile. He didn't return it.
"Advantage of being a monster."
"You are not a monster Angel."
"How can you say that? I killed you."
"No. Angelus did."
"I am-"
"No, you're not."
"Then how come I still feel this way? The cravings? The urge?"
"Because the monster's always there. He's inside you."
"See? If he's always there, then I am him."
"No. Listen to me Angel. You're not Angelus, he's apart of you. A part
of the person you've become. You're a hero. People need you. Doyle and
Cordelia especially."
"But what if I hurt them? If I fail? Like I did you?"
"You didn't fail me. I've watched you in death Angel. Everyone has.
You've done so much. You won't hurt them. And you won't fail them, unless
you give up." He finally gave her a smile.
"You were always smarter than me Kat." She grinned.
"I know."
Angel woke up, and stared down at the beautiful girl in his arms. He
would do anything for her. He would meet the sun, drenched in Holy water
and be nailed to a stake so she wouldn't have to feel one second of hurt.
He kissed her forehead.
"I won't fail you Delia. And I will never hurt you." She shitfed and
moved even closer to him, wrapping her arms around him tightly.
"I know you won't Angel." They both fell asleep again, no horrible
dreams to interfere.
The nest night, come sun set, the three began to board the plane. Angel
went in first, and Cordelia pulled Doyle inside before going in themsleves.
"Doyle?"
"Yeah Princess?"
"What was in your vision?" Doyle shifted his feet. "You didn't have
a vison, did you Doyle?"
"Nah, I didn't." She kissed him on the cheek.
"Thank you Doyle."
"Any time Princess." They boarded the plane to meet up with their boss,
ready to head home.
End.