Part 1

The bed banged against the balcony windows causing them to shake alarmingly in their frames, not that Willow noticed it her mind was focused on one thing only and one thing only :Oz. He had cheated on her with that SLUT, then they had both tried to kill her, then he had run away and he had said it had been for the best. The term ‘son of a bitch’ was all too true in this case and what made things even worse was she missed him.

"BASTARD!" she screamed throwing a couple of stuffed toys onto the bed, off which they had fallen; "If I see him again I’m going to turn him into a coat! You SHIT! Running away like the coward you are. I hope that I nev…nev…ne… Oh Oz. Why did you go? I miss you so, so much. It hurts without you." Tears falling down her face she continued to shove the furniture of her room around, clearing a space in the middle of the floor. Grabbing her book of shadows from the desk she opened it to the page she had marked earlier and poured intently over the diagrams for the casting circle that she had copied down a few days before.

It had seemed like fate when she had read the spell in one of Giles books, the ones she was not supposed to be looking at, helping him arrange his books she had decided had been more than worth it firstly for the distraction from thinking about Oz’s betrayal and for seeing that book. She had only noticed it by accident finding it wrapped in leather at the bottom of a large box full of old Watcher diaries, when she had finally got it unwrapped it had been magnificent. It was covered in silver, pure she was sure of that, and the pages were made of polished ebony on which the text had been engraved with the diagrams and first letter of each page embossed with yet more silver. The front cover showed a carving of the phases of the moon with a legend written in ancient Greek - a language she had started to learn through her studies of magic - beneath: ‘The Book of the Goddess, The Lady of Moonlight’.

It had enthralled her so much that she almost didn’t notice Giles returning with the ‘jelly ‘n mix’ he had promised her as a reward for her help. Willow was not sure why she had shoved both the book and leather wrappings into her bag neither why she had not placed it back when Giles got into an argument with Spike a while later - an argument which had lasted a good twenty minutes or so and had taught her a great many English curses and swear words. However, back in the dorm that night she had gotten it out and eagerly read till she had discovered the spell she was now preparing to perform. Thought she had been unable to translate the exact name of the spell it had said that it gave strength to aid those in pain and when Oz had left it had hurt more than anything that she had ever felt before. When he had sent for his stuff Willow was sure the only thing that had kept her from suicide was the anger, but it didn’t have the strength to sustain her and too often she had broken down unable to hide behind its walls. This spell was her last hope, it would give her the extra strength to get through the pain, maybe even enough to get on with her life and stop the agony that was eating away at her inside.

What had decided it for her was the fact that the spell needed to be performed during a lunar eclipse - when the earth was between the sun and the moon - and just such an event was due to occur in two days later. She had copied the spell into one of her own spell books that second and the silver book was back at Giles’ the next day, he hadn’t noticed its’ disappearance and it had later vanished to some unknown part of the apartment.

Now was the night of the eclipse and Willow was ready.

Grabbing a bottle of silver and quartz filings she the young witch started to draw out the circle that would focus her magics. Leaving a gap just wide enough for her to walk through she put the now nearly empty bottle inside and retrieved the other items that she required for the casting. Walking through the hole she laid out the items in a half circle facing north, making sure that her book of shadows sat to the left and her and her athema to the right with a silver mixing bowl at the apex. Only two things left and she could begin the end of her pain. Almost smiling in anticipation Willow left the incomplete circle, making sure to exit via the space she had left, and switched off the light. Hurriedly pulling off her clothes she threw them into a corner out of the way and stood naked in the moonlight that streamed in through her windows. It lit the room almost as brightly as the sun and felt almost tangible against her bare skin as she walked back into the circle where she stooped and poured the remainder of the flask into the gap she had left completing the protective ring.

Hurriedly Willow picked up four small mirrors, walking to the east she placed the first on the floor by the silver ring doing the same at each of the other points before returning to sit cross legged in the middle of the ring.

"I will show Oz that I can carry on without him. Prick couldn’t even keep his paws to himself. I don’t need him. Once this is done no more mopping around for Willow. No sir!" Wiping roughly at her eyes, where tears were once again threatening to form, she closed her eyes and began to chant.

"I call to Air, element of the East,

Guard me and mine with love and peace,

And guard this circle in the East.

I call to Fire, element of the South,

Guard me and mine with vigour and youth,

And guard this circle in the South.

I call to Water, element of the West,

Guard me and mine in life and death,

And guard this circle in the West.

I call to Earth, element of the North,

Guard me and mine now and forth,

And protect this circle in the North."

As she completed the call each of the mirrors flashed and the circle began to glow with a silvery, internal light. Opening her eyes, Willow smiled. The first part was done soon she would be over Oz, or, at the very least, no longer able to feel like her heart had been torn out and salt poured into the raw gapping wound that was left. The mixing bowl was next; lifting it towards her she placed it in her lap shivering as it’s cold sides touched her thighs. Once she was sure the bowl was steady she lifted her left hand and held it above the silver surface while her right hand picked up the knife and placed its point against her palm. Taking a deep breath Willow prepared herself to start the casting.

"Chorion en euche me en phobos mete mauia

En philia sophe kai aletheia gurnos preks doksati

Aiteo thuo o aima glukus thea"

The light from the circle grew stronger as the moon turned dark as the eclipse began…

"Kore, graus, kai gune kaio meta boules

Maten tes nuktou paradidomi, o aim, o psuche

Boetheia therapeneis boules – elephthen e doron

Aiteo eisbole, o melas thea"

Gritting her teeth she pushed forward with the knife cutting deeply into the palm of her left hand. Tears began to well behind her eyes at the pain but Willow refused to stop, it was nothing compared to the torment of betrayal. Reversing the bloody knife she placed it in her injured hand and cut into her right palm. Tears and blood fell into the bowl and the silver light grew stronger pulsing in time with the tortured heart of the young girl at the centre. Panting through the pain she began again:

"Basileou selene… – elabon o bios

Ina… boules therepense… ethelo

Therapeuo su… gunes nuktos… thugater eis thanatos

Aiteo… os se teknon

Eimi aksioe… kato biblos kai… somate

As the bowl filled with her life’s blood and tears Willow watched as the red mixture twisted and spun growing darker and darker as the eclipse reached its zenith removing the moon from the sky. The pulsating silver light filled the room reflecting from her pale skin and turning her auburn hair to a bright crimson as she raised her bleeding hands towards the ceiling and called out once again as the blood began to run in rivulets down her arms.

"Melaina archaios dunamis, oios te eimi

Erotao, kaio, pisteuo

Eime etoimos eas edeksamen sos dunamis tosoutos"

The plea ended in a scream as blood exploded from the cuts and poured down her body. Willow clutched her hands against her chest smearing the blood across her skin as she futilely tried to stop the blood, she tried to stand but the lose of blood and the weight of the bowl in which it had been caught was too great. Tears ran down her face, mixed with the blood that covered her body and continued on. The room began to spin before her eyes and the now black blood in the bowl settled looking like a void against the blinding light that filled the room. Willow knew she was dying, that the spell was killing her, but that wasn’t what was suppose to happen. She had to finish the spell it was the only way. Choking back her sobs the dying girl raised her head and looked at the words in the book beside her.

"D… dakruo k…k…kai apothn…esko di…di…dia en bom…os ag…agan a…aim"

Suddenly her arms shot forward and grasped the bowl, her voice growing stronger as her vision began to fade.

"Pino nukou semnas thea

ansignumi o soma sos dunamis"

The black blood began to boil and flow over the edged of the bowl covering her hands and legs in bubbling darkness.

"Boulomai eis bios!"

The darkness rushed upwards covering Willows’ entire body and suddenly vanished leaving her limp and naked body to take the full force of the blast as the silver circle exploded shattering the mirrors and throwing her against the wall with a sickening thud. The light storm continued for a few more seconds scattering the filings and throwing any loose items around the room before it dissipated leaving the naked body of the young witch in a pool of blood and shattered mirror glass.

*****

Part 2

The sun shone in through the balcony windows highlighting dust motes that floated through the air, twisting and tumbling in the gentle air currents. It fell across the bed and the scattered books and fuzzy, glass eyed toy animals that lay upon it. It fell on the floor reflecting from the numerous mirror shards that lay embedded in the stained carpet causing the room to shimmer with random spots of bright light. The light picked out the cracked wall where the plasterboard had split and indented tearing the wallpaper like a network of veins. It enhanced the reddish-brown stain that ran from the top of the crack down the broken wall and ended among the red trestles surrounding the face of the pale figure of a young girl lying naked and sprawled amongst the cruel shards.

It was cold and there was an ache that would not stay still long enough for one to say where it had come from but seem to come from all places at once. But she was getting warmer now, a peaceful, clean warmth that slowly spread across her sore body soothing her as it pasted when it reached her face she slowly opened her eyes and squinted into the morning sun.

Willow squinted against the bright light and screwed up her face in a tired yawn,

"Would you turn the light off please Buffy I’m still sleeping." One stiff arm reached out for the covers as she turned over closing her eyes. Eyes that snapped open as her questing hand encountered nothing but her own bare flesh and her shoulder landed in something cold and wet. Finally focussing Willows eyes gazed at her old chest of draws only an arms length from her nose and the wickedly sharp piece of mirror that was embedded in it causing her to see her own surprised face. The shock of seeing a face staring back at her resulted in Willow drawing back with a sharp gasp that turned into a gasp of pain as several strands of her hair were pulled out due to the dried and drying blood around her sticking them to floor. One glance to see what had pulled her hair got the young which to her feet with a sharp cry horror and disgust.

"What… ew, ew, EW, EW!" Hopping from foot to foot in an attempted to get away from the blood-matted carpet she stepped right on a splinter of glass the sudden pain causing her to trip and fall back against the wall and slide down to land bottom first in a rather wet patch of floor. Considering that things couldn’t get any worse Willow made a half dash half limp for the door and managed to get out without any more injuries.

Shutting the door on the blood stained mess that use to be her room Willow turned and slumped against the door as reality crashed down around her with a thump and the events of the night before followed hot on its’ heals. The spell, the pain and the blood, her desperate pleas to live and finally the engulfing black void as she had, she now realized, fallen unconscious. What had happened to her room after that she had no idea, but it looked as though someone had been smashing mirrors, throwing everything that they could lay their hands on around the room, before emptying a hospitals supply of blood on the floor. Had she done that? It couldn’t be her own blood, there was far to much there for her to be alive or for that matter that much in her body at all. She must have blacked out and in a trance or something torn up her room and… poured dye on the floor. Yes that was it! In a weird spell induced trance thingy she had wrecked the room before falling unconscious. Stupid spell. Happy with this solution Willow put on her resolved face and straightened up and turned towards the bathroom but caught sight of herself in the hall mirror.

Willow stopped and turned fully towards the mirror taking in the state of her appearance. The back of her head was covered with… whatever she had poured over the floor, matting her hair together into odd spikes, curls and tuffs and turning her red hair into an odd combination of muddy browns and bright reds. The same mixture of colours covered her back and left side, against the paleness of her skin it looked like… well if she wanted to tell the truth she thought she looked like the anatomy drawings where the skin had been removed, and that was just so… I’m naked.

"Any part of me that wasn’t already red is so going to be now" Willow thought as she dived towards the bathroom forgetting the glass in her foot and ending up limping the rest of the way.

Having made the bathroom, and locked the door behind her, she turned on the shower and sat down on the edge of the tub lifting her injured foot to see what she had stepped on. The shard had gone right into the centre of her instep but had not stuck in too deeply still having a millimetre or so above the skin. Gritting her teeth and pinching the splinter between thumb and forefinger Willow quickly pulled it free gasping at the sharp stab of pain that its’ extraction produced. The chip was thrown into the sink and Willow went under the shower. The hot water was at that moment the most wonderful thing in existence not only starting to remove the colour from her skin but also relaxing her sore muscles. Letting the water just run over her body the young witch began to calm down and think about what had happened to her as of last night. "First I do a spell that involves me cutting my hands," raising her hands to her face she saw that there was only a very faint scar in the middle of each of her palms and thanked the goddess for the healing that must have been part of the spell. "I have a bowl of my blood, guess that all that red stuff wasn’t just paint or dye – Yuk, and then I faint." Blindly Willow grabbed the scrunchy and poured on some shower gel, as she began to rub at the more obstinate red patches on her body she tried to figure out what she had done next.

"So," she began, talking aloud to try and get her tired brain to work out the answers, "I fall unconscious and then I turn into destructo-girl tearing my room up, smashing mirrors and pouring something else on the floor as well as my own blood. Or could it have all been my blood? No. Don’t be silly Wills’ you would have to be drained completely of blood to cause that much mess and as you are still here and still you then it must be some thing else as well." Dropping the now pink scrunchy to the floor Willow began to shampoo the gunk out of her hair feeling very grateful for having had it cut shorter; to have gotten this out of her old long hair would have been an almost Angelus worthy torment.

"Ok so my night goes like this: do very painful spell, black out, become a walking mess maker, and apparently Miss Expeditionist 2000, I am so going to die if any one saw me (please goddess let no one have seen me) and then fall asleep in the remains of my room. All things considered not a good night for me." With a sigh Willow pushed her head under jet of water and rinsed the pink foam that had formed under her ministrations out.

Shivering as she stepped from the steamy shower the red head grabbed a large bath towel quickly wrapping it around herself and taking a smaller one began to dry her hair.

"Well Rosenberg another spell gone kablewie on you. Giles always said that you need emotion control to focus the energies but did you think about that? No course not all you could think about was Oz and see where it has got… got…" It was then it hit her, she had just thought about Oz, when for the last several days he had always been there in her thoughts and, what was more, there had been no pain at the memory, no anger, no huge canyon sized sense of lose. The spell had worked.

"Yes!" literally jumping for joy Willow started laughing, "I did it! Oh, oh, happy, happy, so happy! Yes! Hurray for magic. Goddess thankyouthankyou, Thank you!"

Still almost dancing the young and exceedingly happy witch skipped out of the humid bathroom and down the hallway towards her room. Luckily for her the red imprint of her pert buttocks on the door reminder her of the sticky mess inside before she could enter and make her shower a waste of time. Okay. Now she had a problem, as the rest of the house was still in one piece she must have stayed inside the room, which meant that her clothes were also inside the room, and` if that were true, then even if she could get to them then they were in no state to be worn now. Fine a bit of a downer but no problem there must be some clothes somewhere that she could wear.

"Now think Willow if you were clothes where would you be hiding? Ah ha parents room." Turning towards the stairs and her absent parents room Willow came to a shocked halt as she once again faced her reflection.

"Oh my Goddess, my hair!" Staring in shocked fascination she slowly walked towards her reflection one hand rising to stroke through the overly red hair as her mirror image did the same. Stopping just before the surface Willow pulled a strand of her damp hair down before her eyes, and focused on it. The previously reddish-brown hair was now a vibrant reddish-bronze and was still damp; when it was dry Willow had a sinking feeling that it was going to be even redder. Stepping back she turned her head from side to side to get an overview of the entire look.

"Well at least it seems to have coloured it evenly all over. I really, really wish I knew what I did last night." Her hands began to push her hair around to see if it was as bad as she thought, and found much to her own surprise that it kind of suited her. Yeah, Oz and all that were gone - or at least no longer painful - so a new look for the new Oz free Willow. Happy and determined once again she turned around briskly and entered her parents’ bedroom.

Twenty minutes later after an exhaustive search through her mothers, and in desperation her fathers, clothes found that neither parent had any underwear that might fit, thought the idea of wearing her parents underclothes was just not a good one anyway, and that the only clothes that were anywhere near her size were a pair of stretchy, black lycra leggings and an oversized pink, woollen jumper, the lack of bra making a shirt, blouse or even a t-shirt out of the question due to the only ones that might fit being a) white and b) thin. On the upside there was an old pair of her trainers that had gotten mixed in amongst her mothers shoes at sometime and had up and till now remained undiscovered.

Pulling on the leggings Willow noticed, to her own dire embarrassment that the hair on her head was not the only hair which had been dyed in her unknown late night escapades. Flushing red she quickly finished pulling them up and shoved the jumper over her head, momentarily mixing up a sleeve and the neck hole inside the woollen overwhelming mass, and shoved her feet hurriedly into her shoes. Looking to her mothers’ dressing table mirror for guidance she straightened the fluffy giant she was forced to wear and began a search for a brush still smiling happily despite the odd clothing.

Willow finally discovered a brush in one of the dresser draws as her parents’ radio-alarm clock went off making her jump and clutch at her suddenly rapidly beating heart.

"Good Morning Sunnydale," the radio boomed, "I’m Leechy here for the next four hours with your morning favourites but first with the time being nine o’clock here you’re very own Teresa Zee with the -"

"Nine!" Willows uncontrolled scream of panic momentarily drowned out the broadcasters’ voice. "It can’t be nine. I mean... Lecture in half hour. I’m going to be in so much trouble. I’m going to go in and they are all going to stare at me and…" Trainers a white blur the flustered girl dashed down the stairs and out of the house in her haste slamming the front door so hard the inset glass rattled violently.

However, despite her flustered state and the panic she was currently in the happy smile never left the corners of her lips and her eyes shone.
 

Part 3

Buffy was now officially worried and more than a little scared.

The feeling of unease had begun had first started the night before when she had returned from a rather hectic night of slaying to find that the dorm room see shared with Willow was empty and that Willows’ bed had not been sat on, let alone slept in, since that morning. Her tired brain had brushed away these first worries, informing her that Willow had done this a few times before, especially since Oz’s things had been sent for. She was no doubt in the now empty flat remembering the times she had spent there with him, torturing herself with those happy memories. Through her own experience with Angel she knew how much it had to hurt her friend but knew that all she could really do to help would be to lend a shoulder and her support. There was no such thing as a quick fix. Willow would be back by first light and in need of a friend who could stay awake and help keep her mind of any boyfriend related topics. Her thoughts then gone the way of the body and had allowed themselves to succumb to the siren call of sleep.

Upon waking and finding her friends bed still remained as untouched as it had the night before Buffy had almost panicked but saw the clock as she reached for the phone to call the police, Xander, Giles and everyone else who might have an idea as where Willow might be. The clock that clearly showed she had ten minutes before the start of her first lecture that day: Psychology 101, a lecture series that both she and Willow went to. Willow, with her fear of academic failure, was always at the required lecture halls early so she didn’t miss anything and could get a better seat. Obviously Willow had come back and finding her friend still asleep and not having the heart to wake her had already left to get to the hall. Alternatively kicking herself for being a lousy oversleeper who was not there for her friend and thanking slayer speed she hurriedly washed, dressed and ran to the lecture arriving just in time to catch the door as it swung closed behind professor Walsh.

By the time that she had looked over the gathered students and realized that Willow was not among them the lecture had started and Buffy was forced to throw herself down in the first available chair and pretend to take an interest in the lecture while her mind thought up reasons why her friend was not present. Even when Oz left she hadn’t missed one lecture though it was clear to everyone her thoughts were not really on the speakers words as she sat unusually quiet and unresponsive during the talks. The reasons the slayers mind came up had started to become more and more horrific.

That had been five, she again glanced at her watch, no six minutes ago and she was now so worried that she was more than willing to risk Walsh’s wrath and already low opinion of her grades to walk out of the lecture and start a search party. The sound of the door being pushed open caused her to snap her head round to the door; her hair, flying out at the sudden movement, almost hit the girl she had ended up sitting next to. The cry of ‘Hey!’ this near-miss produced was completely ignored by the fearful blond as she looked at the small group of late students that hurried in apologizing and trying not to get caught in Walsh’s glare of annoyance at being interrupted.

Willow was not amongst them.

Sighing in a mixture of disappointment and growing concern Buffy began to slump in her back into her seat when the door slamming back on its’ hinges caused her to whip round to face the door once again. Her hair caused another slightly more annoyed ‘Hey!’ from her neighbour: who was wishing that the blond would sit anywhere else as long as it was far, far away from her, while her eyes fixed to the panted figure who had just burst through the doors. The girl was wearing tight black leggings that had scrunched up so they only came to just below her knees, white trainers, and an oversized pink jumper, which, in its ruffled state, almost seemed to want to bury her in its’ fluffy depths. Her short, crimson-bronze hair, a rather striking feature against the girls pale skin, stuck out at odd angles that told of a lot of time styling or a lot of running, Buffy suspected the latter, as the newcomer seemed to be flushed and short of breath, and wondered who this could be. When the girl got her breath back enough to look up properly, and gasp a small ‘sorry.’ in the direction of the irritate professor, Buffy almost fell of her chair in shock as she realized that the late arrival was in fact Willow. Yep. That creeping blush as she saw everyone staring at her confirmed it, that was indeed Willow.

Willow felt herself growing hotter when she noticed everyone staring at her and knew she was blushing. You are an idiot, Rosenberg. What were you thinking charging in like that? I mean destructo girl entrances are so, so not the way avoid bring attention to yourself. From the look on Buffy’s face she is totally wigging out over… Hey! She didn’t save me a seat. I would have saved one for her. Oh, she probably overslept and … Oh, I bet she freaked when she saw I hadn’t gotten back this morning, I’ll have…

"Miss Rosenberg, if you would kindly take a seat so I can continue."

Brought back to reality by Professor Walsh’s words Willow blushed again thinking what she must look like standing there in the miss-matched clothing doing nothing while her internal babble had run it’s course.

"Miss Rosenberg." With a small ‘eep’ of embarrassment she blushed even redder and ran up the stairs to a seat at the back away from the staring faces of her classmates giving Buffy a reassuring smile as she hurried past and clearly noting the look Buffy gave her in return. Willow slid quickly into a vacant chair at the back trying to think of what to tell her friend about the previous nights events when Buffy got her alone later. That thought also reminded her that she had better see about getting a cleaning company round to her house before her parents arrived back and flipped out over the wreck she had created out of her once tidy room. Better make it a discrete cleaning service, and… all things considered… she didn’t think Buffy would react well to that small detail. Better to leave the part about the spell out altogether… too many complications all-round as it was.
 

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