**********
He stares at me all the time. I never know quite what is going
on in
his mind. I know that my almost constant crying upsets him, but
I
can't seem to stop. Sometimes I think he will yell at me or hit
me to
get me to stop. I have seen him raise his hand to strike me,
but the
blow never comes. I used to think that he would drain me like
he did
to everyone else, but now I know that he can't bring himself to do
it.
I'm still not sure why he decided not to kill me in the first place.
At the time, death was what I wanted. Sure, I fought him with
everything I had. I was angry and hurt and didn't care whether
I
lived or died. I had watched him kill my friends, watched horrified
as he drained Buffy's life away. We were all so helpless against
him
once the chip stopped working. Maybe if we'd had some advance
warning, we could have been prepared. But Spike was just too
strong.
Still, they all put up a good fight. I suppose that is part of
why I
fought so hard myself. I couldn't bear the thought of just giving
up
after my friends had all died so bravely.
I don't understand why he came after me last. Maybe he expected
me to
be an easy kill after the others. Maybe he had some special torture
in mind for me. Whatever the reason, I suppose it doesn't really
matter anymore.
I remember the first time he forced himself on me. He had been
drinking, but I don't think he was really drunk. He seemed all
too
lucid for that. I was terrified and angry and disgusted.
That is,
until he began to touch me. I hated myself for the reaction his
touch
caused. I desperately wanted to be repulsed by his attentions,
but I
couldn't be. Every time he touched me, my body ached for more.
No
one had ever made me feel the way he did. The feeling of him
inside
of me, his teeth piercing the flesh of my neck was unlike anything
else I'd ever experienced. It was pain and ecstasy all wrapped
up
together until the two were inseparable from one another.
But afterwards, as he stared at me with his cerulean eyes and his
demonic visage, I was reminded that he was the same monster who had
killed my friends, the only real family I'd ever known. And the
tears
began to flow.
I cannot seem to stop crying any more than I can stop wanting him.
My
mind screams at me that it is wrong to want him, to need him the way
that I do. But my body aches for his touch, my blood boils beneath
the surface for him to taste it.
I think he has given up on me somehow. I don't blame him.
I doubt
this constant murmur of my sobs is what he had in mind when he
kidnapped me away from Sunnydale. It is driving me crazy, but
I
cannot stop. I can only imagine what effect it is having on him.
Part of me wishes that I could talk to him, figure out what is
happening to the two of us. But we never speak. I cry,
and he stares
at me.
I have heard him talk about Angel. I know that the dark vampire
is
coming to seek revenge on his errant childe. I doubt he knows
that I
am here with him. Angel probably assumes that I am dead somewhere,
an
unrecognizable corpse lying in a morgue.
It is better that way. I couldn't bear Angel's accusing glare.
Even
without the marks of Spike's attentions covering my body, Angel would
know that I have been with his childe. He would only believe
for so
long that it was an unwilling act on my part. Eventually he would
realize that Spike wouldn't have kept me around this long unless he
was getting something more from me. How could I face Angel after
all
of this? How could I face my best friend's former love and admit
that
I willingly follow Spike into his bed each day, let him drink from
me
until I am light-headed from the sensation? Angel could never
understand.
Even I am not sure why I do it. I just know that I need him.
As
twisted as it is, Spike is all I have left of the life I once knew.
He is both my connection to my life before and the reason it ended.
Perhaps that is why I keep crying.
Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't simply turn me. Perhaps he is
not
interested in eternal life with me. There was a time when I would
have fought against it, but I am past that now. There was a time
when
all I wished for was a peaceful ending to my life so that I could move
on to whatever world lies ahead and rejoin my friends. But they
would
never take me back now. How could I even ask forgiveness for
how I
have betrayed them? But it doesn't matter. Spike is my
whole world
now. A world filled with pain and death, but a world nonetheless.
Any other life I might have had died with my friends. Now I simply
wait for Spike to decide whether I will be born again.
I wish that I could talk to him. But all he does is stare at me.
I hear a noise from elsewhere in the house, and a sob dies in my
throat. I can see him tense up, and I know that Angel has found
us.
My eyes linger over the silver dagger he once used to mark me as his.
As the noise gets closer, his blue eyes linger over the bite marks on
my neck and chest. He blows me a kiss softly as I reach for the
dagger. He does not even make a move to prepare to defend himself.
I
can see in his eyes that he is ready to meet his end. But I will
not
permit that to happen. He is all that I have left, and I cannot
not
let him go. To hell with Angel and everyone else. I will
not let it
end so soon.