Part 1

In our lives there are moments we try hard to hold onto. Moments that we never want to end, but in reality they aren't moments, they are mere memories. They are things that have happened that we can never change. They are things that we are left to think about, dwell on, love, or regret. On this particular evening Spike was having just those kinds of thoughts.

/Sitting here wasted and wounded
at this old piano
trying hard to capture the moment/

He was dwelling on memories of a girl he had once known, once loved, and once needed. The sun filtered through the old windows. The glass tinted the late afternoon sun a fiery red, that was a color he was coming to despise. Red…who needed such a color? Why had God chosen to invent such a bloody color? He threw his empty whisky bottle down in the color reflected on the hardwood floor, the glass shattered, leaving the color there.

/this morning I don't know
'cause abottle of vodka still lodged in my head
and some blond gave me nightmares,
I think that she's still in my bed
as I dream about movies
they wont make of me when I'm dead/

The vampire was alone, as it was in the beginning so shall it be in the end. He sent the girl he'd slept with last night off with her required hundred dollars. He'd have killed her but he'd forgotten how. Spike felt guilty and ashamed and that was something he'd never felt after sex…well not until she'd left.

Why, why did she have to go? His red, his love, his goddess.

"God now I know I'm drunk." He muttered running a hand through his hair. Usually he could push thoughts of her aside but not when intoxicated. "In vino veritas." He muttered. He stumbled to his feet and headed to the bathroom. He let the sink run until it was ice cold and he threw some water on his face. When he looked up into what would've been an empty mirror all he saw was her. Pictures of her everywhere. Let the fools say it was an obsession but to him it was love. Once it had been that to her.

/with an ironclad fist I wake up
and french kiss the morning
while some marching band keeps
its own beat in my head while we're talking/

He looked over the probably hundreds of pictures he had up there and sighed. It had been two months since she'd walked out the door. It had been partly her and partly him but in the end it was her that had left.

"Time…I need time to think." Those had been her last words. Not that he could blame her, they'd fallen hard and fast and time was something they hadn't really thought about. That had been mistake number one. Mistake number two, he forgot she was just a girl in many ways…and a human girl at that. She was an individual in her own right but he likened her to so many others he'd loved. There was another mistake.

She'd forgotten he was a vampire, that had been easy and at first she thought it was okay but then she realized that too was a mistake. They fought, they loved, they hated each other, they needed each other. They could never make up their minds which of these things they needed.

/about all of the things that i long to believe
about love and the truth
and what you mean to me
and the truth is you're all that I need/

"I've had plenty of time." He said softly. He touched one of the picture tenderly, as if she might spring to life beneath his very fingers. "I…" He stopped. He still couldn't say the words that she had desperately longed to hear.

"You don't love me do you?" Willow had asked softly, looking up at him with tear filled eyes.

"Don't say that red, you know how I feel." He said, not looked at her, but instead at the white walls.

"No I don't. I don't know anything, when it comes to this relationship I'm an idiot. I give up!" She said angrily. "I don't know what you want from me but obviously I can't give it to you." She pulled a bag out of the closet and began to throw clothes in it.

"Stop. Willow don't do this." Spike said looking at her. Their eyes met and locked.

"Why shouldn't I? You think I'm Drusilla, or Buffy, or some other girl you liked once. But you never see that it's just me. I'm Willow. If you cant love me for who I am then… I guess I can't love you either."

"Willow…" He stopped, not quite sure of what to say.

"Time… I need time to think." She said softly. Then she'd walked out the door.

/I wanna lay you down on abed of roses
for tonite I'd sleep on abed of nails
I wanna be just as close as
the Holy Ghost is
and lay you down on a bed of roses/

Her laugh, her eyes, her smile, her hair…that was all so far away.

Night descended on the little town and this night found Spike where he usually was: hidden in the trees of the Restfield Cemetery. At nine o'clock as per usually the little slayerette found her way to these old tombs and stones and wandered carefully through them. This was the only time he saw her. She had always liked this place with it's quietness and it's gothic pieces of art that made memory of the long since departed.

This place never gave her any trouble, Spike always saw to that. He never approached her, he just watched. During these weeks away from her he'd learned the most about her. He learned her favorite song, it was the one she sang to herself every night as she walked through this place. `Everything I do' He learned her favorite book, the one she always pulled out of her bag after fifteen mintues of checking the place to make sure it was clear. `To Kill A Mockingbird'.

She was always so close to him, for she chose the same place to sit each night, but always so far away.

/Well I'm so far away
each step that I take is on my way home
a king's ransom in dimes I'd give each night
just to see through this payphone
still I run out of time
or its hard to get through/

At midnight he picked his phone up and dialed the number he'd dialed many time before.

"Hello." Her voice was a light spot in his dark world. He didn't say anything. He never did.

"Hello." She asked again. Still no reply. What he couldn't see was the smile that fell on her lips, the same one that had fallen on her lips each night when she got this call.

"The clock's still ticking." She said softly. Then she hung up. Spike smiled and hung up on his end. For the first few nights she'd had no idea it was him, but then one day she'd realized it and she'd said that every night since.

/till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes and whisper
baby blind love is true/

He rolled over in his bed and tried to close his eyes. It didn't matter. He still saw her. *Fine just let her go you stupid git * He cursed to himself. One day she'd answer the phone and she'd definitely say time had run out for him, for her, and everything else.

He grabbed the phone again and picked it up. Angrily he punched the numbers once again and once again she answered.

"Hello?" She asked.

For a moment there was a tense silence in the air. He'd never called twice…never. But tonight he had.

"I…" The first word had come out as a hoarse whisper. Willow didn't dare respond. Her heart caught in her throat as she prayed and waited.

The seconds ticked by slowly, almost painfully for both of them.

Then she heard a click. She exhaled slowly and hung up the phone. Tears fell silently down her cheek as she lay down. Two months she'd waited. Hoping, praying, wishing, damn near trying everything. She didn't regret leaving. She knew it had been the right thing to do, but she regretted not being with him.

/I wanna lay you down on abed of roses
for tonite I'd sleep on abed of nails
I wanna be just as close as
the Holy Ghost is
and lay you down on a bed of roses/

"I miss you so much." She whispered softly. But fine if he wanted to be like this then just fine. Maybe she would just forget him.

She laughed at herself, she'd never forget him but maybe she could just move on. That might be worth a try. Buffy had been trying to set her up with this guy she worked with so she could always try doing that. It might not be so bad. People come and go and that was just the way life is. Not necessarily how we want it to be but that's how it is.

/The hotel bar hangover whiskey's gone dry
the barkeeper's wig's crooked
and she's giving me the eye
I might have said yeah
but I laughed so hard I think i died/

Willow threw back he blankets and pulled on a pair of jeans, a t- shirt and some tennis shoes. She just couldn't sleep. Not that it was a good idea to wander the streets at one a.m. but hell if she cared.

The streets were deserted, not that this was a big surprise. She wandered through the dark streets aimlessly. * Maybe direction is what I'm looking for* She thought. She wanted a sign as to what to do. Something…anything.

That sign, as someone saw it, was a vampire.

"Well hello little girl, wanna stick around for a bite." It leered, blocking her path. Willow rolled her eyes.

"No not really." She muttered. She tried to push past it but he pushed her back. Willow pulled a stake out of her back pocket. "All right then, come and get it." She said wearily. The vamp lunged at her and Willow feel to the ground flipping it on it's back. She hopped up and prepared to ram the stake home, then he kicked her and she fell back on her back.

The vampire straddled her and prepared to feast, when it exploded in a cloud of dust. Willow felt a hand grab hers and pull her up. She found herself face to face with Spike.

/When you close your eyes
know I'll be thinking about you
while my mistress she calls me
to stand in her spotlight again
tonite I won't be alone
but you know that don't mean I'm not lonely
I've got nothing to prove
for its you that I'd die to defend/

"Uh thanks." She said softly. "But I had it taken care of." He nodded.

"Just trying to help." He said. She nodded and smiled.

"I appreciate it." She said sincerely. They stood for just a moment looking at each other, wondering, waiting.

"You should get home pet." He suggested. She nodded.

"Yeah I guess I should." Willow said softly. *What did you think he was going to say? *

"Good night." Spike said. Willow nodded and turned for home. * Fine then I just give up…I'm moving on.*

"Good bye." She replied not looking back at him.

/I wanna lay you down on abed of roses
for tonite I'd sleep on abed of nails
I wanna be just as close as
the Holy Ghost is
and lay you down on a bed of roses/

He watched her walk away and disappear into the darkness. There was a note of closure and resolution in her voice. But what was he supposed to do. Go after her?

"I love you." He said softly. But the only ones that heard him were the trees.
 

Part 2

So he’d let her go. That was life sometimes wasn’t it? Sometimes we have to let go of the things we love, the things we want. Then we got on with our lives. We move on. That’s the way things are. That’s they way they have to be sometimes.

She had moved on. That was all there really was to do. She’d even gone out on a few dates with that guy, Tom. He was all right. Nice guy, more of a good friend really but hey that’s life.

/This Romeo is bleeding
But you can see his blood
It's nothing that some feelings
That this old dog kicked up/

Sometimes she looked for him. Since that one night…God had it all ready been a month. One month since she had last seen him. Now hadn’t that been random. He saved her life and said good night. * Talk about a Romeo* She thought rolling her eyes. The calls had stopped to. * I guess he gave up on me, he really didn’t love me* But she accepted that. It had been fun, it had been nice.
 

But sometimes a person needs more then ‘nice’ in their life. At 22 she wasn’t looking for nice she was looking for love. It had to exist, right? There had to be something left out there. Once she’d had it and lost. Then she had it and screwed up. With Spike she’d been hoping for a last chance, a third time’s a charm deal. But guess there were other plans for her.
 

/Its been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
See I've always been a fighter
But without you, I'd give up/
 

He still wanted her. * God more then anything* He told himself. But she was done with him. He knew it and he was living with that. LA was a nice town. Not exactly paradise but he was surviving here. His sire saw to that. For some reason no one was willing to let him off himself. In truth Spike had tried several times, what did the world need him for? But each time Angel came to the ‘rescue’ if you could call it that.

Some how he always convinced him to keep stabbing at this thing called life.

"You have to have something to live for Spike. We all have something." Angel said one night.

"Her." Spike revealed. "I’ve got her." Angel smiled a sad sympathetic smile.

"We all have our ‘hers’. That one that makes all this worth it." Angel agreed. Spike nodded.
 

/Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby that’s just me
And I will love you, baby, always
And I'll be there forever and a day, always/
 

"So go get her." Angel said. Spike shook his head.

"No it’s all over." Spike said. "I’m not going back there." Each time Angel prodded or tried that would always be his answer.

"I’m not going back there."
 

/I'll be there til stars don't shine
Til the heavens burst
and the words don't rhyme
I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I love you, always/
 

Spike slammed the door to his apartment and slouched into a chair. Even in the darkness of his room he saw the single picture he kept of her. It sat across from him on a table. Her eyes glitter and her head was tossed back. She smiled looking off to the side. A smile that said she was happy. That’s how he hoped she was right now.
 

/Now the pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some of them made us laugh
Some of them made us cry
Why they made have to say goodbye/
 

The phone rang and Willow jumped for it.

"Hello?" She asked, with the faintest glimmer of hope in her voice. But it wasn’t who she was hoping for.

"Oh hi." Even after all of this she chided herself for thinking it might be him.

The phone rang and Spike just looked at it. * Who the bloody hell is calling me?* He wondered. He picked it up reluctantly.

"Yeah?" He answered. Just Angel, just another case to help on. Life didn’t get much better then this.
 

/What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
Touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers, try to understand

I've made mistakes, I'm just a man/
 

He always wondered if she’d find someone else. He remembered Cordelia saying something about a guy the Slayer had hooked her up with but Cordy hadn’t mentioned it in a while and Spike wasn’t willing to ask.

Just the thought of someone else made him angry but at the same time it was a fitting punishment.

*You expected her to wait for you? * His thoughts taunted him. * She’s only mortal and she only has one life, no one waits around these days, no one*
 

He’d probably move on to, but he had centuries. He could mourn the loss of her for fifty years if he wanted to. Who was going to stop him?

"Spike will you come out all ready? I’m not waiting for ever." Cordy insisted angrily. * Well she may*

"Yeah, yeah cheerleader keep your pom-poms cool." He growled.

"You are the most annoying person to hang out with." Cordy grumbled when he finally emerged from his room.

"And you aren’t?" Spike asked.

"But at least I’m sociable." She retorted.
 

/When he holds you close
When he pulls you near
When says the words you've been meaning to hear
I wish I was him, with those words of mine
To say to you ‘til the end of time/
 
 

/And I will love you, baby, always
And I'll be there forever and a day always/
 

"Where are we going?" Spike asked. Cordy shrugged.

"Some burger place down the street." She said. How he had become friends with her the vampire would never know. They walked in silence a few blocks until she stopped and headed into the restaraunt.

"What do you know, Angel’s here." Cordy said in a mock tone of surprise. Spike spotted his sire near the back of the place and across from him was a laughing red head. Spike stopped dead in his tracks. That laugh, that hair…

"Hey Willow!" Cordy greeted cheerfully. "You remember Spike don’t you?" She asked. Willow’s laughter stopped as hazel eyes locked with blue.
 

/If you told me to cry for you, I could
If you told me to die for you, I would
Take a look at my face, there's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you/
 

Cordy and Angel disappeared rather quickly and Willow and Spike were now walking silently back to the hotel.

"Didn’t know you were here." Willow said softly.

"I didn’t know you were here." Spike replied. There was more awkward silence. *So much to say but why say it? * Willow wondered. * He’s obviously moved on*

"So how is everything?" Willow asked. Spike shrugged, his thoughts storming around in his brain.

"All right I suppose." He replied. Willow nodded.

"Well that’s good." She said. Spike looked at her. A month without her had been horrible. How was he going to go centuries? Could he?

"I love you." He said softly. Willow stopped and looked up at him.

"What?" She asked, not sure she’d heard what she thought she had heard.
 

/Well there ain't no luck in these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more time
We can pack up our old dreams and our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines
And yea

I will love you, baby, always
And I'll be there forever and a day/
 

"I can’t do this. Just pretend that nothing happened. I love you. I need you. Willow…" His voice trailed off as he touched her face softly. "Give me another chance, please?" He pleaded.

"I…" What was she supposed to say to that?

"Anything, I’ll do anything for you. You have to know that luv. If you’ve got someone else or you’re done with me then fine. Leave. I deserve, hell I’ve got it coming. But I figured you oughta know. You deserved to know." He said stepping back.

Willow and Spike stared at each other for a long moment. Then the red head felt herself moving. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

"I love you too." She said softly. Spike felt the worry and tension drain from him. He kissed her neck, her hair, her face…her lips.
 

As their lips met over and over, sweet words were whispered of love and forever. They held each other and it was as if they’d always been together.

"I love you…I’ll always love you." He promised. Willow smiled and kissed him softly.

"Always."
 

/I'll be there ‘til stars don't shine
‘Til the heavens burst
and the words don't rhyme
I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I love you, always
Always/

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