Xander Harris was staring at his father. But that wasn’t possible. His father was miles away, probably sitting in his easy chair, guzzling beer, and watching ‘Smackdown!’ "Dad?" He whispered.

"Why are you here, Xander?"

"You should be with us, your family. Aren’t we good enough for you?" His father rolled up sleeves, showing his beefy arms. "Maybe you’re in need of a reminder?"

"No, its not that." He backed away and then shook his head. "This isn’t real, it can’t be real! They said the ghost could take human form."

His father’s shaped wavered and faded to a greying image of a brash young man. He was dressed as a 1970's teen -- long hair, bell bottoms, and a peace sign around his neck. "Very good." He said, impressed by the way the young man had responded to the threat.

"Thanks." Xander smiled briefly. Back on track. "Wait a minute! What are you doing here? What do you want?"

"Why does everyone ask a ghost that? We don’t always want something. Sometimes its just fun to scare people."

"You mean you’re just scaring people to get your ya-ya’s?" And the ghost had an English accent. Hmmmm

"I didn’t say that."

"I think you just did."

"I was brought here for a purpose."

"So, you do want something?"

"No, I was ordered to carry out a mission, until I got another mission."

"Okay, I’m going to ask for an explanation now."

The spirit smiled. " Lets get acquainted, shall we? My name is Victor." He saw the question in Xander’s eyes. " I know you’re name because I observed you earlier this evening." Xander’s eyes widened. "No, not when you and the young lady were, ahem, intimate. I’m a ghost, not a voyeur." He lit a phantom cigarette. "Let me tell you a story about three young men named Nigel, Victor, Ethan and Ripper."

********

Giles hurriedly dressed and then hurtled passed a sleeping Joyce into the hallway. "Buffy!" he called, running down the hall. He should have known better than to trust Nigel. He’s foolishly assumed that the men had mended his ways too. Thought he’d found a confidante, who understood having a dark side.

Giles paused before Buffy’s room. He knocked quickly, wanting to avoid embarrassment. "Buffy! Nigel is about to sacrifice Anya." Yep, another bloody day on the bloody Hellmouth. "I don’t know how she got here. Probably that infernal boy."

"Oh my god!" Inside the room, Buffy snatched up her pants and began to dress. "I’ll be right out, Giles."

"Um. . .is Riley there as well? Because we could use the help."

"Yeah, I’m in here, Mr. Giles. I’ll be right out."

"Thank heavens. Where’s Xander and Willow?"

"Haven’t seen Xander. And Willow’s down the hall."

"I’ll go get her, maybe she knows a spell that can get her out of this. There on the south lawn, Buffy. Hurry!"

"I will!" It wasn’t until Buffy was racing outside, Riley hot on her heels that she realized what she had done. Willow was going to be mortified. Buffy wished she had a camera.

"Bloody hell!"

"Bloody hell!"

"What the hell are you doing to Willow, you idiotic prat?" He mistakenly thought, the vampire was harming her. She was flushed, her face looked pained. Then, he knew what was going on. He just couldn’t could look away, though. It was like watching a train wreck, painful but fascinating.

"Go away, Watcher! Can’t you see me an Red are busy?"

"Angel!" Giles screeched as the dark-haired vampire’s head had popped out from the end of the bedspread. The two vampires and Willow had been. . . He looked at Willow with compassion. "Was it a spell?"

Willow’s face was redder than her hair. She picked up a pillow and covered her face. "No." It came out a muffled squeak.

"Pet, what are you doing? You’re going to suffocate like that." Spike looked at her quizzically. He was in a much better mood now, having enjoyed some recreation. And had the benefit of shocking the Watcher, he never tired of that. Still, how many times were they going to be interrupted tonight? "Is there some bloke out there selling tickets? A big bloody sign saying ‘Two Vampires and A Witch Threesome, Tonight Only’ in neon letters’?"

"Spike!" Willow and Angel protested. Giles still stood staring, his mouth open in shock.

"Not that it’ll only be tonight . . ." Angel sent him an admonishing glance. "Well, it won’t . . ."

"Giles, could you kindly turn around, so the lady can get dressed?" Angel suggested, sardonically.

"S-sorry. Of course." The Watcher blushed and turned around, closing his eyes.

"Rupert, you wanna throw me my pants. There right in front of you." Spike requested.

Giles gingerly picked up the black jeans between two fingers and tossed them in the vicinity of the bed. How in the bloody hell did they get all the way over here–nevermind. I don’t want to know.

"Oh, stop being so squeamish, Watcher. Like you’ve never done it before."

"I beg your pardon!"

"Maybe not with vamps, true, but we both know–"

"Spike, you have no idea what you’re talking about." Spike made to interrupt him, with a glance that suggested that he wasn’t fooling anyone, but Giles held up his hand. "And we’re not having this discussion." Suddenly the matter at hand refocused in his mind. "Anya’s in trouble. It seems Nigel isn’t as, er, reformed as I had hoped." Giles grimaced.

"We just keep coming back to scandals from your glory days, don’t we Rupert?" Angel smirked, as they finally all sat on the edge of the bed, clothed once more.

Giles turned, a cool sneer on his face. "Unless you would like to discuss your glory days, some of them more recent than others, I would suggest you keep focused on our current dilemma." He removed his handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his hands. The three sat, eyes downcast. "I think I know what’s going on now. I found Buffy and Riley. We all know where Anya is. Have you seen Xander?" His eyes widened with a new possibility. "He isn’t in here, is he?"

Spike was oblivious. "Well, he did have Red’s underwear earlier."

Giles felt his gorge rise. "Did you four, uh–"

"No!" They all shouted.

Xander sat Indian style across from the specter. "Giles did what?"

"He was a grave robber. We all were actually and we got very good at it. Stealing jewels and what not off the corpses of toffs." His voice wavered in and out off his guttersnipe English accent.

"That is just. . .wrong. Ewww."

"Well, yes, but that’s precisely why we did it, Xander." He continued. " One day when we were going through a magick shop we discovered a book on binding a spirt. Basically, you can hold the spirit against it’s will, force it to do your bidding. All you needed were the right herbs, a Latin spell, and the bones of a ghost that died a horrible death."

"So, the four of us found such a spirit. Her name was Anne, she’d been tortured and killed by her former boyfriend. We did the ritual, bound her to us and forced her to rob people, fetch us whiskey, spy on people, whatever we wanted. " He looked ashamed. "It was cruel. She was incredibly unhappy, we would hear her wailing. But, Nigel began to get greedy, he wanted to use her exclusively. We all balked at that, me especially." His voice became a mere whisper. "You see, I began to fall in love with her."

"A ghost?"

"You needn’t sound so surprised. "It has happened before." Xander merely shrugged. "Well, I fought with him over her. We were really laying into each other, both of us. Both of us were fourth level mages, we were using our powers to hurl objects at each other. Nigel picked up a hammer with his mind and cracked my skull open and then he pounded me to bloody bits with it. Never got the chance to fight back."

"Why didn’t Giles help you?"

"He and Ethan had grown bored with the scene. They moved on to demon possessions. Ripper always was the leader of the pack." He sighed. " He never even knew how I died. And after I did die, I was with Anne, though. We could be together."

Xander was still stunned by the story. "Is she here?"

"No, Nigel, the bastard, took me from her."

"He bound you! But it backfired, didn’t it?"

"That it did, my boy. Bleedin’ poetic justice, don’t you think?"

"Well, I haven’t decided yet, Anyanka. Should it be burning at the stake? Or evisceration? Hmmm. . .what do you think is more horrible?"

"If I were still a demon, I’d talk your wife into wishing for you to be a mortal woman. "

"A woman? Surely, you can do better than that."

"No, I really can’t. Nothing prepared me for being a woman and I’ve been around over a thousand years, and you are very stupid." Anya’s voice lowered, became almost hypnotic. " Picture it. . .I’d make you female, but you’d be an ugly one. Scraggly hair, big nose, maybe even large feet. Perhaps, I’d make you smell. Nothing prepares you for the odors. And just imagine, all the makeup and scented products you’d have to use. Not to mention, fashions. Like panty hose , for instance. Did you know that they come all wrinkled up? Then you must flatten them out and pull them on. And then you wear them once, and get a hole in them. They’re a waste of resources and time."

"Then why wear them?"

"For me. To look nice. You’d be very concerned about your appearance, even though you’d be ugly and should accept it. Oh, you can make yourself presentable, attractive even. But you’ll never look like one of those models. Ever. No matter how much you diet, no matter how much money you spend on makeup. And then, you’ll have to learn to walk in heels."

Nigel was awed. "You are going to make a wonderful ghost, Anyanka." He cleared his throat. "Now, let’s get started."

"Hold it right there, you. . .you. . .tea-drinking bastard!" Buffy put her hands on her hips. "Step away from the vengeance demon."

"You can’t hurt me, Slayer. I’m not a vampire, and slayers don’t kill humans."

"Where’s Faith when you need her?" Xander mumbled as he ran up behind Buffy. "Hey, you English pervert! Let go of my girlfriend!"

"Oh, Giles! I accidentally paralyzed your friend! Is that ok?" She took a menacing step towards the wizard.

"Perfectly." Giles appeared on her left, followed by Willow, Angel and Spike. "Might even help you with that."

Spike looked slightly impressed. "Didn’t think he had the stones for that."

"You should have seen him after the band candy incident." Willow gushed. "And have you ever heard him sing? It’s so–" The vampires turned to glare at her. "What? It’s not like I have a thing for him." She added under her breath. "Anymore."

"I heard that." Angel snapped, pulling her behind him. She tried to peer over his shoulder to see what was going on. Spike obligingly picked her up so she could see better. Not to mention, there was the added benefit of putting the Poof in the line of danger, while he got to comfort the damsel in distress.

"Yes, this arrangement works quite well." Spike grinned as he squeezed Willow closer.

"Shut up and stay where you are. We don’t know what this guy’s capable of, William."

"But I do." Came a disembodied English voice.

"What the bloody hell!" Spike almost dropped Willow as he spun around. "Who the hell are you, mate?"

"I’m the ghost you’re all here to vanquish." He sighed pleasantly. "I wish the do-gooders would kill him already. Are we going to be here all night?"

"Buffy doesn’t kill humans." Willow offered.

The ghost gave her a friendly smile. "I know. She’s a slayer. But I wasn’t talking about her. I meant Ripper." And the ghost vanished.

And reappeared at Giles’ side. "‘Allo Ripper. How’ve you been?"

"Victor? I heard you died. OH! You’re the ghost! I’m so sorry, old chap." It was then that it registered in Giles’ mind, exactly what was going on. He took his glasses off and slipped them into his pocket. He stepped in front of Buffy to face Nigel."What did you do to him?"

Buffy was perplexed for a moment. She looked over at Riley, who seemed just as confused. "What should we do?"

"Wait and see if Giles can take him?" Riley shrugged. Buffy frowned, but stayed where she was. She had seen Giles like this before. It was best to keep out of the way for a while.

"Buffy, honey? What’s going on?" It was her mother, wrapped up in her bathrobe, hands shoved in her pockets for warmth. "Why’s everyone outside?"

"Hey, Joyce! Good to see you!" Spike waved from his position behind Angel.

"Spike? What are you doing here?" She called back, smiling. "I’ve got good news!"

"Mom! We have a situation." Buffy pointed to Anya who was still tied to the stake.

"Thank you! Glad to see someone’s still focused. Hey, Joyce, nice ring." Anya twisted. "Why don’t you come untie me so I can take a better look at it?" Nigel stepped in front of her, blocking the path. "Guess not."

Giles, in the meantime, had dropped his coat on the ground. "I’m still waiting on an explanation, you bleedin’ nonce."

"What’re you yammering on about. We all know you’ve done worse things than I’ve even imagined." Nigel shot back. "Like murdering a friend is all that shocking to you!"

"He was possessed!"

"Hmm, and how did that happen?"

Giles faltered for a moment. Victor poked him. "Hey, still dead here."

Giles turned back to Nigel. "Let Anya go. Before you get into something you’re not ready for."

"What, are you going to sic your Slayer on me? Look at you, Mr. rules were made to be broken, a bleedin’ watcher now." Nigel mocked.

"You know what else is made to be broken, Nigel?" Before he could answer, Ripper punched him three times in the face. A very satisfying crunch, followed by a wail of pain rent the air. "Your nose."

Xander walked over to Anya and began untying her. Giles wiped the blood off this knuckles with his handkerchief. Willow applauded. Angel and Spike glared and put a possessive arm around her shoulders. Riley hugged Buffy, then walked over to arrest Nigel. Victor patted Giles on the back.

"I’ll be going now."

"What? Why are you–"

"Thanks, old chap. I had a score to settle." Victor smiled. "And now you’ve repaid your debt to me. Time to go."

"What debt?"

"The one you owed me for letting me get killed, you ponce." The spirit laughed as he disappeared.

Joyce walked up behind Giles. "That was so brave!"

Giles grabbed her by the waist, bent her over his arm and kissed her. Everybody groaned and turned away. Giles laughed. He hadn’t felt so young in ages.

"I guess that means that we’re out of a place to stay for the night." Xander shrugged. "And I wanted to try out that whirlpool."

"Who says? We were invited to stay the night and we shall." Giles announced. "After all, he did try to kill us. The least he could do is show a little English hospitality."

"But, Giles, isn’t that kind of wrong?" Buffy asked.

"No, not at all."

"I don’t think so."

"Sounds all right to me."

"We’re all for it."

"Oh, yeah." Anya nodded her head vigorously. She leaned over and kissed Xander. "You’re the only one with common sense. Thank you for untying me."

"Does this mean I’m forgiven?" Anya looked over at Willow, Spike and Angel. They were already rushing back inside.

"Yes. I don’t think Willow would sleep with you anyway."

"Umm, thank you. I think."
 

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