You know how you're supposed to rely on your friends in times of troubles? How they're even supposed to be the only ones left for you then? Everyone else has deserted you. Only your true friends remain.
Here's a twist. What if your friends are the cause of your troubles?
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"He didn't force me into anything. I swear!"
"There's no possible way you'd have just chosen to have sex with him, Wills," Xander replies stubbornly, just like he's been doing for the past ten minutes. "I mean, after the whole Angel story, I thought you girls understood that having sex with vamps was a no-no."
"Hey! Don't bring Angel into this!" Buffy protests. Obviously.
"No, please do bring Angel into this." I'm actually surprised he didn't come up sooner. "Why could you have your vampire boyfriend, and I can't?"
She looks at me as if I'd grown a second head. "Angel has a soul." She utters each word separately, very carefully and slowly, as if talking to a child, a foreigner, a lunatic or even a mentally disabled. "Spike is a soulless, evil, disgusting creature."
I can't help but roll my eyes. "Spike is not a creature - no more than Angel, anyway. They're not different. Actually, I guess Spike is even better, in a way. Spike doesn't need to have a soul to help us save the world."
"Don't wanna look like I'm tring to take Deadboy Senior's side, but are you forgetting about the chip?" Xander asks.
"No. You're forgetting about Acathla. Spike took sides with you against Angelus, Buffy."
"He wanted his whore back. Typical male jealousy and obsessional shadow of love give you a treacherous vamp."
"Yeah, alright. But he also wanted to save the world. He told me he'd told you. Plus, that just means something else, 'cause it wasn't just a shadow of love which made him betray his Sire, believe me. Spike's able to love without a soul, and you're just jealous because Angelus was by no means capable of loving anyone but himself!"
Yeah, I stood up from the round table and I started yelling, but there's only so much of Slayeric blindness I can take. So now everyone's staring at me again. Anya and Giles have stopped pretending to be looking at receipts, and Dawn's standing in the doorframe leading to the training room where she was sent to do her homework. Actually, Xander's the only one who's trying not to meet my eyes. And Buffy, my best friend, she's looking up at me with tear-filled eyes. But no tears of pain, or sadness. Tears of rage.
"How dare you..." Her lower lip is quivering and she's at a loss for words. Quite a pathetic sight, actually.
"Guys, I'm having sex with Spike, and that's just the way it is. Deal with it."
And this time I do not just wear my resolved face: I am resolved, more resolved than I've ever been in my whole life. More resolved than when I chose Tara over Oz, more resolved than when I decided to try and give Angel his soul back, infinitely more resolved than when I chose not to tell Tara about Spike, and more than when I faced her yesterday morning. And yeah, I guess Xander's got that, 'cause now he's looking at me with the beginning of acceptance in his eyes.
Buffy's a whole other story, though. Her eyes are full of fury and pain and disappointment and hate. No, I don't think she hates me. She just hates it when people tell her a truth she doesn't want to hear, and she hates not being the center of everyone's attention anymore. Now I have a vampire boyfriend too, and that pisses her off to no extent.
"Willow, I'm your friend, and that's why I'm telling you this. He is manipulating you." Here we go again. I sit back down and bury my head in my hands. I know what's coming, and I'm already sick of it, as if we'd already had this conversation a few times. Wait a minute we did have this conversation a few times already. "I didn't want it to come down to this, but - he's clearly using you to get at me."
"News flash for Slutty, everything's not about her in this bloody world." I turn to the door and smile at Spike, who's just walked in. I don't even want to tell him off for calling her Slutty, 'cause right now I really think she's acting like a bitch to me. Spike grins back at me. "Hello luv."
"Spike, I'm not sure you've come here at quite the appropriate time." Giles steps in between Spike and us. "Unless you were looking for a Slayer to stake you, or someone else to do the job, for that matter. Why don't we just - step into the training room and, uh, discuss fighting techniques?"
"Wow, so it takes shagging Red for you to want to talk to me? Thanks, mate, but I think I'll pass that offer just this once. I know exactly what I'm looking for, and she does not look anything like a Slayer. Coming, Red?"
But obviously, Buffy doesn't leave me the time to break the news, gently and diplomatically, that no, I'm certainly not coming yet. And that my best friend's being a self-delusioned bitch and I have to convince her not to stake my lover or I'll have to send her flying into a wall - again. My point being, Buffy speaks up.
"What do you think gives you the right to use her? Do you think I'll be jealous or something? 'Cause that's a big failure."
"And that's why you're all worked up," he shoots back. "Listen, slayer, sorry to break it to you this way, but I really don't give a bloody damn about you. I'm shagging Red for personal reasons, which she knows about and accepts."
"But you want me! You can't deny it, I know it!"
Spike just sighs. He looks at her, shakes his head, and sighs. "I can't bloody believe you. Want me to draw you a picture? I've had some twisted obsession with you going on, which was terribly sick even for a guy like me. But now, it. Is. Over. Red's made me come - to my senses again." He turns to me. "C'mon, we're going." He looks at me expectantly, and at last silence settles into the room.
"So I finally have the chance to say something? I mean, yeah, it's not as if we were discussing *my* life. Well I'd better not waste the opportunity, the Goddess knows when it'll happen again." I shoot a furious glare at Spike, who surprisingly looks down as if ashamed. Time to turn my attention back to Buffy; I know Xander'll come round eventually. She's the biggest problem. "Listen to me, now! Just shut up and really listen. I know it seems way too quick to you, but as I've told you before, it's been going on for a few weeks." Xander and Dawn start, so I hurriedly add: "The attraction, not the shagging part. I have as much right to choose my sexual partners as you, and to be fair I'd say that so far I've chosen them more judiciously than you - I mean, really, the Angel fiasco, which was not really your fault, but then Parker - that was a dead end from the start, the guy had such a rep. Anyway, now I choose Spike. Like I said, deal with it."
I bid a silent goodbye to all of them, nodding at Giles who's watching me with a sort of pride. I'm glad he understands. Friends are not the only ones there for you in times of trouble. There's also family. I take Spike's arm in mine and lead us out. Family, and your lover, if you're lucky enough to have one.
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"That went better than I expected," Spike remarks as he closes the door behind us.
I drop onto the couch. "It did? Were you expecting a bloodbath or something?"
"No, more something along the lines of you, once again, letting your friends order you around."
"Hey! I'm not like that anymore." I bit on my lower lip. "Am I?"
He sits down next to me and brushes a strand of hair off my face, chuckling. "No. Don't think so, but you never know for sure. And then, the stupid Slayer could have convinced you that I was actually using you. It could have been true. A few weeks ago," he adds as he realises what he's just said.
"Yeah. So... you really are not using me, huh? I mean, it's true you were pretty obsessed with Buffy, and when I look at her and then at me, I can totally see why anyone would choose her over me and-"
"If you really think so, luv, you're completely mistaken. Yes, I fancied myself in love with her. We've always been enemies, and of pretty equal strength at that, so it was easy to turn hate into - a ghost of love. Pathetic alright, but I had nothing to cling to. I was just... desperate."
I take his hand in mine and squeeze it, because I can guess how hard it is for him to admit it all, and because I owe him for it. He's forcing himself through this to comfort me, reassure, tranquilise me.
"When I drank from you... You'd offered yourself to me, freely. You didn't have to. This abandonment of yourself... this dedication to people, to anyone who'd accept it... It made me see. It opened my eyes. I realised that you loved others the same way I loved Dru, and the same way I needed to be loved. How could I still think Buffy exceptional when your love outshone everything in its reach? I realised how much I wanted you, Willow."
"You'll probably hate my saying this, Spike, but this is sweet. Really sweet."
Indeed, his muscles stiffen, and he pretends to be offended. "I'm a bloody demon, pet. I'm not sweet." He does sound serious, but I know better.
I can't help laughing. But then I become serious again, 'cause I guess now's the time for a speech of my own. "After you drank from me, the dreams started. I was pretty lost and confused. I felt like I was betraying Tara. I couldn't face my attraction for you, I blamed it on a spell or something, and that's when I would have believed Buffy, had she told me what she told me today. But since then, too many things happened. I guess - I guess I know you too much now . Not that we've been doing that much talking either." I smile at him and he smiles back. "But I guess I trust you know. I know you're an evil vamp and everything, but I always trust people, it's in my nature, and I know it will cost me sometimes, but I trust you'd never willingly let anything hurt me. Would you?"
"No, I wouldn't. Never. Ever." He smiles gently and looks deeply into my eyes, and I get lost in those two pools of ocean blue. "I-"
Knock, knock. Argh. Ok, for once someone's knocking instead of just walking in on me and Spike having sex, but couldn't they just choose a better time, for my sake? I get up and shuffle to the door. Open it.
"Xander?"
He smiles weakly. "Hey, Wills. Don't worry. Not here to stake the captain Peroxide of your heart. Can I come in?"
"Well, yeah, I guess."
He steps in and I close the door. The tension in the room's thick enough to be staked. I think Xander and Spike have engaged themselves into a staring contest. I clear my throat awkwardly, and each of them eagerly turns their gaze to me.
"So... why did you come here?"
"I have a couple of things to tell you. First, please forgive me for the asshole behavior earlier. I mean, who am I to talk? I'm dating an ex-demon who used to change men's peanuts into -" He pauses and smiles awkwardly. "Clearly off topic. Anyway. Just because we don't remember the time she actually was the day's big bad and she turned the both of us into vicious vamps, doesn't mean that it's that different. The point is, you've as much right as I have to date a previously evil person."
"I'm still evil," Spike pipes in. "Just not in practice anymore."
"Spike," I warn him. He just grins. He can be such a pain in the ass.
"So... I'm ok with it. I'm not gonna pretend that I understand - despite Anya's and Dawn's very disturbing list of Deadboy Junior's qualities. It's not my place to understand. I just have to accept it. And I - I do."
I smile at Xander, ignoring Spike's comment about his desire to check that list up and the fact they probably forgot a few things. I walk up to my best friend, the one who deserves a great big hug. Spike growls in my back but I don't care. I love Xander. But I've gotta withdraw before Spike tears his heart out despite chip-induced headaches. Xander's smile goes all the way up to his ears and I just love that sight. But then he turns to Spike and his smile vanishes.
"If she gets hurt because of you, there is no hellish subdimension I won't explore to find you and make you bathe in holy water."
"Figures," Spike grumbles. "Now get away from my woman."
The jealousy's kinda sweet. I can't really tell him off about it, not when I imagine what he's suffered with Drusilla when Angelus came back. I'll give him a few days before I start yelling at him for that.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Xander." I walk up to Spike and let him enfold me in his arms.
"Sure thing. Bye." And he walks out. Or runs out, really - away from the sight of me in Spike's arms. I guess he can only accept so much at a time.
Friends. What would I be, where would I be without them?
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You know how they say you can choose your friends, but not your family? That's just so wrong. For two reasons.
First: you do get to choose your family. If you don't want your family in blood and flesh, or even by law, to be your true family, then just reject them, in a more or less subtle way - only, you have to be ready to face the consequences. Then you can choose who your true family is -- among your friends. Friends and family - such a thin line. Differences alright, but a thin line still.
Then: in the end, you don't get to choose either. I didn't choose for my parents to ignore me. I didn't choose Xander and Jesse to be my friends from kindergarten onward, despite doll thefts and other childish disagreements. We were sort of thrown together into this life, and it so happened that we enjoyed each other's company and bonded. I didn't choose Buffy, she didn't choose me - we just got on well. She needed someone to talk to who would really listen and I needed someone to make the nerd in me leave enough room for the rest of me to express itself. The point is, you don't choose love, love chooses you.
In the end, when you get to relationships, nothing's entirely up to us. We don't have that much of a choice.
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"This is the Rosenbergs' answering machine. We're not here for the moment, but please leave a message and we'll get in touch as soon as possible."
Beep.
"Hey, Willow. It's me, uh, Buffy I mean. Listen, I'm sorry about everything. I overreacted. I don't know what came over me. I'm just sorry. I'm your friend, and if you wanna do sick things with Spike instead of having a nice healthy relationship with Tara, well, it's your call. It's fine with me. Only once again, I won't ask for any details. I guess I'll see you tomorrow. Take care."