Pairing: Willow/Spike
Summary: Willow reflects on what has just transpired
Disclaimer: I own nothing. It all belongs to Joss and a bunch of other people who are not now and have never been me.
Feedback; PLEASE!
Distribution: Soulmates, Bite Me...Please, Wacky Witch, UCSL, all the usual suspects. Anyone else, just ask. I'll probably say yes, I just want to know where my story is going.
Important Note: From now on, this series is called The Doll House Series.
Author's Notes: I'll try and keep these short for once. Thank you to Missy, Emmy, Lisa Kelley, Kat, Elisabeth, Em North, Inell, Kitty, Tonya, LilGray, Angel S., dark lycoris, Danielle, Countess, Feen, Mel, femail, knightie, zoe, srah, sileya, aaronlisa, viciouswishes, Whitney, Heather, and everyone else who has given me feedback or even read my fics at all! I love you dearly!
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Willow was nearly undone by what had happened. She tried to focus on the fact that Spike was going to bring her food, but she couldn't keep from thinking about what had just transpired. She wasn't a virgin anymore.
And the way Spike had taken her just added to the surreal quality of the whole experience. This man-no, vampire-who had twice beaten her to a pulp had made love to her. Granted, it wasn't really like she'd had a choice. He never asked her for her permission or consent. So that would make it rape, right?
But how could it be called rape when Spike had been so gentle, so tender, so considerate? When he had brought her to orgasm twice and had whispered words of endearment the whole time? Telling her how beautiful and special she was, and how wonderful it was going to be between them from now on. Maybe, Willow thought, when she had eaten something, she would be able to figure things out. But for now, she was just so confused.
Unbidden, thoughts of Sunnydale and the life she had been taken from came to her mind. Memories of Oz, Xander, Buffy, Giles, her parents, even Cordelia rushed over her, bringing with them a confusing and frightening mix of feelings. Loss, guilt, longing, nostalgia, anger, resentment, love.all these emotions burst through the dam she had built in her mind and crashed into her like waves on rocks.
She remembered all the time she had spent with Buffy watching movies and talking about their lives. All the shared confidences and whispered secrets over pints of Ben and Jerry's. The nights on patrol and going to the Bronze. The demons they'd killed and disasters they'd averted. The friendship they'd built and the bond that they shared.
She remembered Oz, how quiet he was and how caring. She remembered finding out that he was a werewolf and how happy she'd made him when she told him it didn't matter. She remembered their first kiss and how much fun it was to go to Dingoes shows and tell everyone she was the guitarist's girlfriend.
And she remembered Xander. She recalled how much she had loved him, almost her entire life. If she closed her eyes, she could still see him in his tux in her room when they had first kissed. And she remembered every kiss that followed. The kisses that had brought her right to where she was now.
What would have happened if she and Xander had never kissed at all? Or if they had decided to break up with their significant others and be together? Or if at least she had not had the silly idea to use magic to fight their feelings for each other?
What had happened to Xander, she wondered? Was he dead? Had Spike drained him? Or was he alive? He had to be alive. She was sure she would feel it if he weren't, the same way she had felt it in her heart when Jesse was killed. But if Xander were alive, what had happened after she was taken away? Did he worry about what had happened to her? Were he, Buffy, Giles, and Oz even looking for her? Or did they think she was dead.or turned?
Was Angel looking for her? Wouldn't he have been able to find her? After all, he was Spike's grand-sire. That had to mean they had some kind of psychic bond. She had given Angel back his soul; the least he could do was try to find her.
If they were really looking for her, her friends would have found her by now, she decided. They must have just written her off, figuring weak, mousy little Willow had gotten herself killed. Were they at school right now, laughing, talking, hanging out, having fun? Was she forgotten, except perhaps for the occasional mention by Giles when her computer skills would have come in handy?
But then, just as suddenly, her emotions turned again and Willow was wracked with guilt. Of course her friends were looking for her. Spike had almost certainly taken her out of Sunnydale and that would make it hard for even Angel to track them. How could she think that Buffy would abandon her? She and the others were probably going crazy trying to find out what happened to Willow, the same way Willow, Giles, and Xander had done when Buffy had run away. They were probably researching all the time and talking to every demon who went to Willie's bar to try to find her.
Everything would work out. Buffy and the others would find her, save her, and take her home. She was sure of that now. But then, what would happen to Spike?
In spite of everything he had done to her, Willow didn't want him staked. In spite of it all, she somehow cared about the blond vampire. Through the tangle of words in his drunken rambles, she had somehow come to know and even have a bit of sympathy for him. Despite the fact that he had twice beaten her black and blue. Despite the fact that he forgot to feed her. Despite the fact that he had taken her virginity that very night.
And what about that? What would Oz and Xander think of her if they knew Willow had allowed the blond vampire to make love to her? Would they care that she was starving and scared and had no choice? Or would they think she was a whore? Would Oz hate her for giving Spike what she wouldn't give him? Would Xander hate her because he didn't get to be first? Would he feel the same way about her that he had about Buffy after the Slayer had slept with Angel?
What would happen when and if Willow were rescued? Surely Oz, with his werewolf senses, would be able to tell instantly that she was no longer a virgin. Would he blame Spike? Or would he blame her? Would they all hate her and think she was a slut and that she had gone off with Spike of her own free will? Or would they believe the truth, that Spike had kidnapped her, held her prisoner, starved her and. what? Raped her, made love to her, a mixture of both? What would they think of her if she asked them not to stake Spike?
For even after all that he had put her through, Willow couldn't hate Spike. What came through in his long tirades, in spite of his inebriation, was an overwhelming sense of loneliness. And Willow couldn't help but identify with her captor's overwhelming need to have someone to share himself with, someone to care for, someone to love. She knew what it was like, that feeling that no one in the world cared whether you lived or died, that feeling that you were never good enough. She'd felt it all her life. Even with Buffy. Even with Oz. Even with Xander.
A part of her was even flattered that Spike believed she was the one who could fill that awful void, that she could take away the pain of over a century of being unloved and second-best. She remembered fragments of his diatribes where he talked of how he'd tortured people with unmatched brutality just to please Angelus, killed two Slayers to make Dru proud of him, and how it had all been for nothing. To them he was never good enough and never would be.
She knew what that was like, too. She had never been good enough for her parents. She was Buffy's mousy sidekick. And even when Xander wanted her, he hadn't wanted her enough to leave Cordelia. Even Oz was probably only with her because she accepted that he was a werewolf.
Willow's thoughts were getting her nowhere, simply seesawing madly between extremes. Her hunger, combined with the tumultuous emotions she was experiencing, was starting to overwhelm her. She hoped Spike returned soon with the food he had promised. She was so hungry and so confused that she could barely breathe.
As she heard the key in the lock signaling Spike's return, she hoped food would help her to make sense of her thoughts. And that, somehow, there was a way to make everything right.for both of them.
The End