"I know," she said, and I collapsed and fell on the floor, trembling and crying shamelessly. She came for me. From all the things that I expected her to do, coming to me was not an option. More like killing, torturing, etc. She got onto her knees and put her tiny arms around my body. I was still murmuring how sorry I was - I couldn't really think of anything else to say.

I'm sure she must've scared the hell out of herself for wanting to come here - if she actually wanted to come. I wasn't really certain, but I figured she had come because it was the right thing to do. Willow always did the right thing to do [Might want to leave off ?to do? & use, ?Willow always did the right thing.?], at least before we fell in love. Since I restored her faith in people, her trust and her lust of life, she had quickly changed into a beautiful, lovable woman that wasn't one to mess with, or one to tell what she had to do. I hoped she didn't change back into the mousy wallflower, but I know that a part of her did.

That moment, I decide I should be the one who restores her inner beauty. Only the one who hurts you can comfort you. Only the one who inflicts the pain can take it away.

******************

Spike had finally stopped crying after about half an hour of tears. I have comforted him. It's funny how I keep doing that. I was a wreck and I comforted Buffy. I'm on emotional overload, and I'm comforting the one who brought me all the pain. Not that I really care anymore. The moment I saw him again, I forgave him. I realized just how much I missed him, and I couldn't blame him for what he had done any longer. He seemed lost, depressed and ultimately sad, and I just had to forgive him. I didn't come to yell at him, to let him realize his mistakes -- I knew he already did, and actually felt guilty. I won't forget everything that's
happened, nor will I just jump back into a relationship with him, because I can't. I just have to talk to him, catch up and try to be friends. Ignoring each other was too hard for both of us.

I won't tell him that I forgave him just yet, because I don't think I can without bursting into tears, and he'll probably be so happy that he'll cry too and it'll be one big tears festival, which I just can't handle right now since I have cried about all my tears up in the last few days and I'm rambling in my own thoughts. That's just bad.

I think it's because I don't know what to do. If I'll be mad at him, we'll both hurt and we've both been there, done that. But if I forgive him completely, I will probably fall in love with him and that's just one thing I will not be able to handle right now.

He looks at me questioningly and I nod slightly, giving him permission to take my hand. We've talked things over a bit, and I think we both feel better. But it's time to go home, so he asked me if he should bring me and I said yes. Damn, why is he such a gentleman? It's too hard to resist. I don't want to fall in love with him again, it'll only hurt me, I'm sure. Even though he's the perfect guy right now; sensitive, gentle, nice, caring... no. I can not go through it all again. Don't let me fall in love with him again. Just let me forget the passion. Let me forget the sweet moments, the peace, the romantic things he did, the nightly walks, the way his eyes held admiration, love and lust at once... I shake my head and try to rid the thoughts out of my mind, but I can't.

I can't go through it again, I know, I've been hurt too much to let it all happen again, to fall in love with him again, but I think I can't not. I can't not love him, and someday he'll know that. Just not now, not yet.

I sigh as I realize my heart defeated my mind once again. His cold hand wraps itself around mine and I look at him, silently begging him to just be my friend, and not more than that, but he frowns and doesn't understand, so I sigh again, and smile softly. I try to hide his effect on me, but I don't think it's working. The look in his eyes is knowing. They don't sparkle the way they used to do, the happy shining is gone, and I can't help but think how much I miss that sparkle, and that maybe it's my fault. Even though he did the wrong thing, I think my reaction killed his soul - ehm...his spirit, his joy of unlife. I think that maybe I was that to him: his joy, his love and his everything, and maybe, just maybe I want to be that again someday.
 

~Part 7~ Miss You

I don't think I've ever been this happy and this sad at the same time. I'm holding her hand, walking with her and trying to slowly rebuild some of the trust we once shared. I'm close to her, and she's happier than she's ever been. All this makes me happy. It makes me feel all peaceful and poofy inside, and with her, I've never really cared about the poof part. The sad thing in the situation, is that I know she doesn't really want to be with me. Not in the way I want to be with her. I think she just wants to try and become friends, without love. I guess that's my fault, and it makes me feel like scum.

With the knowledge that she's not in love with me anymore and that she will -most likely- not fall in love with me, demon and jerk, again, I sigh and inhale some unnecessary air. How should I act? Should I conceal my love for her, for her sake? So it will be easier for her not to fall in love with me again, because I don't love her back? I don't think I can. Should I try to win her back, or should I let her heal so she can pick up the pieces of what was once Willow?
 

// millionaires say, got a big shot deal
and thrown it all away but
i'm not too sure how i'm supposed to feel
or what i'm supposed to say //
 

If I let her be herself and live her life without me as a lover, will I be able to handle it? Can I live through that torture? To see her living her life everyday,
knowing she doesn't want to share things with me that we would have discussed freely just a month ago? Can I live through her telling the slayer she likes a new guy, some freak that's not me, and that's she's happy to move on? Will I be able to tell her that *I'm* happy she'll move on?
 

// but i'm not, not sure,
not too sure how it feels
to handle everyday
and i miss you love //
 

I miss her. I'm not insane, I know she's right next to me, holding my hand, but I do miss her. Maybe I miss her more now, when she's walking with me, than when she wouldn't even speak to me. I miss her fire, the way she was when she was mine and I was hers. She had become a different person over the
five months we were together. I think the entire Scooby lot was surprised like hell when she started cussing one day and simply said she didn't want to do all  the work around there. The damn slayer and her gang took her for granted.  Red was just the person that always did everything for them, never receiving anything in return. It makes me proud to know that I did that. And it makes me feel like I'd be better off dust when I realize she's partially changing back into the person she was before she was my Red.

Suddenly I awake from my thoughts and I see we're already close to her dorm room. We're already inside the stuffy building, and I realize I still have to plan the goodbye.  How to do that? A kiss? Where? On her cheek, her mouth, her... Drifting off here. Guess Red taught me that. She looks at me with the question clearly written in her beautiful eyes: will you come inside? I'm startled. She wants me to come in? While the Slayer's obviously in there too?

I guess she can see my doubts, as she smiles reassuringly and opens the door. The sight of the Slayer laying on one of the beds welcomes me like the sun and I grimace as I see what she's wearing - or not. A pink silly little strap of cloth barely covers her and I look away. Once again I have come to know that I do NOT like the Slayer. My mood changes from sulky to mad at the slayer. I don't know exactly for what. I guess for just ruining my sight.
 

// make room for the prey
'cause i'm coming in with what i wanna say
but it's gonna hurt
and i love the pain
a breeding ground for hate //
 

"Slayer, how nice to see you're dressed up for me," I mumble in a low voice. She looks up from the book she's reading, notices Red and me for the first time and we obviously scared her. I grin slightly.

"Spiiiike! Yugh! You scared me, pig!"

"From you, that's a compliment." As I'm saying that, I see Red looking desperate, lost in thought. Probably trying to solve the everlasting fight between the Slayer and me. I trail off mid-sentence. "Sorry Red."

The Slayer sends my Red a look that -even I know that- means 'we are going to have a talk!' before she turns to me. "Spike, I don't know why you're here and I don't think I want to know. I don't want you coming in here unsuspected again. For this time I'll let you go. Bye Wills, I'm off to Xander's. Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

Red's eyes become huge and she stammers. "B-but Buff... It's not... I'm not... now... No!"

I smile slightly as I understand what she's trying to tell. "We're not going to shag, airhead. I'm going to say goodbye and then I'll go to my crypt. Then you can talk with Red as you obviously want to do eagerly."

I turn to Willow again and I watch her face. I can't help but feel the guilt all over again, and I close my eyes for a brief second, trying to rid the thoughts. I push away a small curl of her hair that had escaped from her beautiful haircut to her cheek, and bend over to kiss her. I still don't know what to do, so I decide to be safe. Holding her chin, I plant a small kiss on her forehead. "Goodnight, my love." I say in a Shakespearean voice and I leave the room.
 

~Chapter 8~ Time Is A Jailer
 

Home sweet home, a sad voice in my head says. Home is where the dusty crypt is, and no Willow. Well, I guess it went well yesterday. At least she had the courage to come here and try to be friends. I don't think I can. Be friends, that is. She hasn't forgiven me, she doesn't want to forgive me, and she shouldn't. I'm a pig. Just like the awful slayer told me. For once, she was right. I walk inside the crypt and look around at the small stone ugly room.
 

// No one can hear me
'Cause no one's around
I still hear your whisper in the dark
I know I can go, I know I can leave
Whenever I please
Time is a jailer for me //
 

I miss the way she used to lighten up my moods. No matter what she did, she always made me smile. Now she's the one that needs cheering up, and I can't
be there for her. I know she needs time, but will I be able to give her that? I honestly don't know.

I walk back to the doorway to watch people and vampires walk through the cemetery. Damn fledglings. They're all amateurs without a decent master these days. I could've been that master. I should've been, but instead I fell for this lovely redheaded girl we all know, even though I knew I would end up breaking her heart. I don't really care about the lost position as master in town, but it's true that now I've lost Willow I'm lost myself. I have no direction and no clue what to do.
 

// Face in the window
Looking inside
But no one else sees it, I know
Now that you've found the years have changed
The ending will be
Time's just a jailer for me //
 

I guess I should be wise and not try to win her back. It's useless anyway. I should just leave, leave Sunnydale, but I can't. I can't go away knowing she's in a dangerous town with only the daft slayer around to protect her. I'll follow her forever, watch her and protect her, but I won't do anything she doesn't want. She doesn't want me in her life, I know that, understand that and I have to accept that, though I doubt I ever will truly accept that.
 

// shut out the light
alone in the dark
this time of night
is the hardest part //
 

I walk to the lamp I placed in a corner of the crypt. It's flickering heavily and I see the batteries are facing their last day. Time to go to the dump. Just like me. I should go somewhere where nobody can find me. No one wants to, so that wouldn't be too hard. But I won't. I'll be her angel, though I'll never be a true angel. I'll still be a demon and a heartless, soulless freak, and even though she won't ever recognize me as an angel, I'll keep her safe.
 

// Now that you've found the years have changed
The ending will be
Time's just a jailer for me
Still hear your whisper
Your heels on the floor
I wait for the sound
Of your key in the door //
 

I hear a sound and turn around to face the door. It's nothing. Probably just another passer-by, or a vampire, or possibly a small animal. I have to stop thinking every sound I hear is Willow. She came to me once, and I guess she realized she really doesn't want me back, she won't come again, fool. Of
course not, what did you expect? That she'd come running back? She's not as stupid as I am. I just have to slam that in my head. I have to.
 

// It's only the sound of nothing at all
And so it must be
Time is a jailer for me
It's only the sound of nothing at all
And so it must be
Time is a jailer for me //
 

Until I can accept the monster that I am, and the fact I won't get her back, I'll be locked inside this stupid crypt alone, with nothing to do and with a heartache. A demon with a heartache for a human girl who's not even a quarter of my age.  I guess you're all thinking that I don't need to pity myself, 'cause I was still the one that messed up so thoroughly. I know that, and I do not pity myself. I just hate myself with a fire that could burn a forest in seconds.

I sigh again and lay down on the blanket that serves as my bed these days, and reminisce about the days when I used to wake up next to Willow, before I
fall asleep.
 

// Time is a jailer
For me //
 

~Chapter 9~ Should I, Could I, Do I Want To?

"Wills... you have to talk to me. Maybe I can help. You never know."

Willow snorted silently. Somehow she didn't think the slayer would really be able to help her on the questions of love. She strengthened her voice and
wiped away another tear. "Whatever, Buff."

"Wiiiiilllllllsss!" The slayer whined. "It's been, what, a month? Something like that? And you're *still* crying 24/7! That's not "whatever", Willow! Now talk. What's got you so bothered? You don't have to give me the headlines, 'cos I know it's about Fangless, just gimme details. Now." Buffy's voice made sure Willow knew she shouldn't argue with the slayer. Willow walked away from the window. She had been staring into nothingness for the past fifteen minutes; it was completely dark outside. Still, she found it fascinating. She walked to her bed and sat on it, waiting for the slayer to sit on her own bed.

"Do you think I should forgive him?" The question was spoken softly, just barely picked up by Buffy's slayer sense.

"I don't think you have to think about that. I think you already did forgive him. Am I right?"

"M-maybe..." Willow said hesitantly. It was true. She had forgiven Spike soon after the whole disaster.

"Then what is it?"

"I don't know. I already forgave him, true, but I'm just still not sure if I could... if I should... if I want to take him back..."

"Well, wanting to take him back is not even a question anymore, I'd wager. If you could is just a ridiculous doubt 'cos he'd take you back in a heartbeat, even if it'd be the last thing he did. If you should... well... I guess that if you love him and he loves you, and you're convinced he's changed, I don't see the problem."

Willow thought about it for a minute. "He did change. The night I went to him, the whole evil sarcastic thing was gone. I'm not sure if I want that gone. It's a part of him. The only things I want to change are trust and faith."

"Wills, you can't really work on that if you're not with him. But that might just be my dumb point of view." Buffy frowned.

"Maybe you're right. I love him, he loves me. Do you think I'd be able to take him back?"

"In a heartbeat." Buffy said, and then added excitedly, "Now let's set up a beautiful romantic plan to get your Deadboy Jr. back." Willow sighed.

*****

"You know you could always show up his doorstep naked except for a card on a satin ribbon around your neck and a card saying "you're forgiven" and then
see what happens and.."

"Buffy..?" Willow interrupted the slayer's ramble.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"Well it wasn't really meant seriously." Buffy pouted, her ego hurt. She threw another crushed paper in the garbage can. "There goes plan L." The other plans hadn't looked successful either after reviewing them. "Hey, Wills..." Buffy said suddenly.

"Yeah?" Willow said, still writing down options for Operation: Forgiveness.

"I think I have an idea... a very simple one, but it's something."

Willow looked up from her paper and looked at Buffy with curiosity. They had been trying to come up with a suitable plan to forgive Spike, 'cause they both agreed that after such a long time Willow wouldn't just go there and say 'hi, we're ok now.' Something special had to be invented, but neither Buffy nor Willow could think of something nice. "OK Buff, let's hear it."
 

~Chapter 10~ The Rose

Ooooooookidoki. So I decided to take him back. Buffy and I worked out the plan she's now so calmly putting the pieces together. I'm stressed. Seriously stressed. What if he decides he's had enough of me? Buffy says that's silly and I should think no such thing, but I'm, well, as I said, stressed. Buffy yells at me from the other side of the table, knowing I wouldn't hear her any other try to communication. "Huh?" is my intelligent response, and Buffy points to the pen and paper she's apparently pushed in my hands when I was up there in stressworld. I frown, then think really hard to get back to reality. Pen and paper.. Oh wait, I have to write on the card. Oookay.. I can do that. I move the pen to the small piece of paper and start to write on it. I intentionally wanted to write
"Love, Willow" at the end but Buffy said it was too sappy and her text was good enough. Oh I'm stressing. He's crazy to take me back. What if the plan
fails, no matter how? Buffy assures me it'll go fine, but there's always something that can go wrong. At least he'll know I love him. If everything works.

Buffy points to the small, thin ribbon to tell me with her hands that I should put the ribbon through the tiny hole in the card. I take the ribbon and my hands start to shake so badly that the card falls out of my hand, to the floor, underneath the refrigerator. Buffy glares and then sighs. "Oops?" I say, just as intelligent as my last comment.

"'K, next card." Buffy grabs another identical card from a pile that was way higher about a minute ago. It's not my fault I'm shaking so badly every other damn card flies out of my hands to a place where no one has gone before.. right? I'm just, just.. just nervous and I think I have every right to be, thank you very much. I am about to be reunited with my vampire boyfriend who's two centuries older than me and was unfaithful to me by getting drunk every single night and doing all kinds of things with girls he's not supposed to do and how would you feel if you were in this situation? I guess not many people are. Which is why I can't really console anyone 'cos I know no one would understand. Well Buffy does, kind of, but I think I'm now annoying her with my clumsiness. I think she was mad by the time I lost the first card and she went down to the flower store to buy another twenty of them.

I stare at the next blank card that's put in my hand. "Can't *you* write them?"

"No." is Buffy's short reply.

"Why?" I know I'm whining and I don't care.

"Wills, now I've had it. It's a simple plan and no damn thing will go wrong if you'd just stop being so ultimately nervous. I've told you three times why you should be the one who has to write the card."

"I don't remember."

"You are such a baby right now! If you keep on doing this I am for sure Spike's not going to take you back!"

She's kidding, right? He won't really think I'm too childish.. or too nervous... I become confused and start to believe Buffy. My lip trembles slightly as I try to say: "Do you think so?" Tears start welling up in my eyes again and my lip's now moving uncontrollably. Buffy puts her hand for her mouth, and then comes to comfort me.

"No Wills, I'm sorry.. I know he will take you back, even if you're being annoying as hell. He's just hoping you'll take him back, don't turn around the story! He's been trying to get you back for like ever, and you still have doubts? The only way he won't be reunited with you if is you don't get up and finish the plan, 'cos then he'll never know you want him back."

Satisfied by Buffy's words, I write the sixteenth card in ten minutes and then successfully put the small blue ribbon through the hole. Buffy then takes over and puts the ribbon around the large rose that's still standing (barely, 'cos I almost broke the vase) on the table and she makes a knot in it. "Mission: Forgiveness, Part A, succeeded. Up to part B. You ready?"

"As I'll ever be," I sigh and follow Buffy, who's holding the rose and marching out of the dorms.

*****

Willow put the hat straight and pushed several locks of her red hair up inside the black hat. She then straightened the hat so it was hung over her entire  face when she looked down. Giles' black trenchcoat looked a lot like Spike's, only this one smelt yuckier. Willow drowned in it, and straightened that too. In her leather-clad hands she had the rose, and the small card. She inhaled deeply, looked at Buffy's position and sighed. Here goes nothing, she thought
as she knocked on the door of Spike's crypt.
 

~Chapter 11~ Stand By You

Spike woke at the sound of the knock. Bloody hell, he cursed inwardly,  before frowning. The crypt still wasn't a popular space for visitors. The  last time anyone came here, was when Willow... don't go there. He grumbled  and walked to the entrance. He looked outside and saw an ? apparently male -
figure in black -- *completely* in black, and with a rose in his hands.  Spike frowned at the odd sight.

Willow sighed. She felt so ridiculous in this outfit. She was surprised he  wasn't laughing his ass off at the stupid sight. But Buffy had promised it  would work. She started humming a melody, real softly. She lifted her head  just the slightest bit so she could see his face. Did he recognize the song  they first kissed on? It was a sappy song, but she liked it. She and Spike  had had an entire discussion about it. He first said it was too sappy,  claiming he only liked songs where violence had the leading role but then  relented it was sung beautifully and that it was special, as it held the  memories of their first kiss. She started the words, looking for a spark of  memory in his eyes.
 

"Oh... why'd you look so sad?
The tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too
When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less..."
 

Spike immediately recognized the melody, the words and the voice of Willow.  He watched the person again and could now see it was definitely a woman. Was  it really Willow? He looked closer and saw a small strap of red hair  sticking out underneath the hat. It was Willow.
 

"I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you...
I'll stand by you..."
 

Willow sang the chorus that remembered her of the conversation between her  and Spike about the song. Spike had said the chorus was true; he'd always
stand by her and let nobody hurt you... and he was true to his word, until  the time came that *he* was the one that hurt her. But she was there to show
him she'd forgiven him.

Willow stood there for a couple of minutes longer and neared the end of the  song. Spike could only stare at her. He couldn't believe she had come to him
- again.
 

"I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you... I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you..."
 

Willow finished the song. She stuck out her arm and handed the rose to  Spike. Spike trembled a bit and took the rose from her. He took the card from the flower and read

'forgiven.'

He slowly looked up to find the person in the long coat gone. Willow had  dropped her coat and her hat. She was still leather-clad, but different...  The tight black leather pants fit perfectly and the Vamp Willow-like bustier  made Willow look like a true leather diva. Spike blinked his eyes. She  couldn't.. she wouldn't... He pinched his arm, only to find him awake, and  Willow still there.

"Forgiven?" He asked softly.

She nodded. "Forgiven."

At that moment his face lit up. He grabbed her by her waste and swirled her  around in the air. She began to squeal, but he didn't notice. He had Willow
back and couldn't believe it. He really didn't believe it. He put her down  on the street and stepped backwards.

"What's wrong?" Willow asked.
 

~Chapter 12~ Life Without You

"You're not real." He stated as a fact.

Willow frowned. "Why not?"

"Because you're not stupid enough to come here. Thus, you're not real."

Willow shook her head in confusion at his logic. "Do- do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? Of course I'm real. I came here to forgive you, and I do. Forgive you, that is."

Spike shook his head. "No. You don't and you shouldn't. I'm going away." He started to walk past Willow.

Willow started to grow angry with him. She had figured the plan wouldn't succeed, but at first it had. She had expected Spike to hate her, but here he was, expecting her to hate him. Didn't she just say to his face that she forgave him? "Hold it right there, Mister Bad-Ass-Vampire!" she exclaimed angrily.
 

// A mountain of stone, a door of steel
Can't stand in my way, I'd go on
Brutal machines, unbending laws
Can't slow me down, I'd go on
I've learned how to deal and when to fight
I know what's real, I know what's right
I'm not afraid, a wounded dove
I can be tender in a world so tough //
 

Spike slowed down and turned around.

"You're not going anywhere, William the Bloody. I had this whole fucking plan figured out and you're not gonna stop me from forgiving you, from loving you, by hating yourself. I would not go through all this damn trouble if I didn't really forgive you." Her voice was bitter, hard and on the verge of screaming. How could he be so blind? And deaf, and, and.. and just dumb!
 

// I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
But life without you, I don't know //
 

"I have spent a lot of time thinking the past few weeks, Spike." Willow continued. "And I came to the obvious conclusion that I want you in my life. I realized that no matter how corny this is going to sound, it's true. I would not want to live my life without you. I've come here to tell you exactly that, and you want to leave? It's taken a lot of courage to come here, to take you back, but I did it. I don't think it's fair if you back out now. You'd hurt me again, but so much deeper this time. Is that what you want, Spike? To hurt me - again? Didn't you feel like hell when you did it the first time?"

Spike nodded slowly, looking down, and Willow whispered, "Then stay."
 

// The winds of the heart can blow me down
But I get right up and I stand my ground
I've tasted fear, my share of pain
The wasted tears of love in vain
I've held you tight, pushed you away
Now with all my might I beg you to stay //
 

Spike was silent as he listened to her. She was just a kid, and not smart enough to understand. "Red... You can say all this and it sounds like heaven, but I can't. I have to go away. Don't you understand? I can never be the Prince on the bloody horse for you. I'm still a demon." he said.
 

// I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
But life without you, I don't know //
 

"Spike, don't." Willow pleaded. "I don't care about all that you said. Love isn't brains, remember? I believe you once said that. If you think it's true, then don't act like it. You're trying to be all heroic, but you're not. You'd be my hero if you'd stay. I'm not saying this as a joke, Spike. You hurt me. I forgave you. Simple as that. That was the whole damn point of this mission of mine. I don't care you're a vampire. I do love you, no matter what, and I swear I will beat your ass off if you'd leave."

Spike smiled at the threat and then got a thoughtful look on his face again.
 

// I know what I want, I know what I need
But there's just one thing I must believe
Deep in the night by a dying flame
You will be there when I call your name //
 

"Don't you need me as much as I need you? Don't you want to try to make it work?" Willow begged.

Spike looked into her eyes and saw a tear slip from one of them. She looked so lost, ready to fall apart if he said no. He couldn't leave her, even though he knew it was for the best. She was foolish to love him, but he'd just look past that and love her back. Spike sighed softly. He stepped forward and brushed the tear from her eye before he pulled her into his embrace. Willow put her arms around him and cried soft tears of happiness.

"Let's make it work." Spike whispered in her ear.

// I'm sure I could face the bitter cold
But life without you, I don't know //
 

~THE END~

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