Disclaimer: Joss owns them all; Zalman King owns Red Shoe Diaries
Distribution: My site, Kiss or Kill, http://members.fortunecity.com/kissorkill Anyone that has permission, take. Otherwise, just ask.
Rating: R
Pairing: Willow/Spike
Summary: Willow writes a letter
Crossover with Red Shoe Diaries
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The
quiet of early dusk was shattered by the sound of a shrill boat whistle.
Jake slid his key into the post office box, pulling out a handful letters.
He shut the box and left the cafe after tossing a five beside his coffee.
He walked towards the water, noticing that it was a peaceful evening. His
eyes watched as Stella ran ahead of him, stopping at the bench. He smiled,
wondering if it was a bad sign that he was so routine that his dog even
knew where to stop. He sat on the bench, placing the stack of envelopes
on the wood beside him. Stella looked at him in silence, her eyes seeming
to move from the letters and then back to him.
"You want to hear one, Stella?" he asked, the smile still on his face. He ran his hand over her head, petting her before picking up the first envelope. Beige in color with pretty handwriting. "Looks like this is the first one." He opened it, pulling out several pieces of paper. Sitting back, he began to read......
Dear Red Shoes,
Do you believe in true love? I know that's a tough
question. I asked it to myself for so many years, always deciding that
I loved the idea but didn't believe it really existed. Fate, kismet, soulmates,
true love....they were all the things of fairy tales. They had no place
in my life, just in my dreams. You see, I've always been the realistic
one. The girl grounded in reality and logic. The optimist that looked at
every angle and always managed to see a good one. I tucked away thoughts
of true love and happily ever afters in a secret place in my mind when
I was a child. As the years went by, I somehow forgot the key and they
stayed buried away. Then, one day, I met someone that showed me just how
magical this world truly is. She forced me to look at the world with different
eyes, to see things that defied logic, yet existed. Still, even with my
new outlook on life, I didn't believe that true love would ever find me.
I was the quiet one, the plain one, the girl caught in the shadows of those
around her. Then, one day when I least expected it, I met him and my entire
life changed. I knew that I would never be the same again....
For the rest of my letter, I will need for you to suspend reality a bit. Forget things that you were told, to believe in the unexplainable. You see, monsters really do exist. They lurk in the shadows and under your bed and in dark alleys. I should know. I've been fighting them for nearly six years now. You don't believe me do you? I understand. If I were where you are now, I wouldn't believe me either. Unfortunately, I've come face to face with evil more times than I care to remember. You become accustomed to it after a while. It becomes the norm. Life would be rather dull without that element of danger. You're probably wondering why I have veered from my initial purpose, telling you how I discovered that true love really does exist. To understand my story, you have to accept that evil exists and there are forces that cannot be explained. You see, I fell in love with one of those monsters.
**********
Jake looked up from the letter, a skeptical look on his face. He smiled at Stella, asking, "Do you believe her, Stella? That monsters and evil lurk among us?"
Stella gave a loud bark before settling her head back on her paws. He laughed, "I'm with you. I think she might be telling the truth. Shall we find out about her and her monster?" He went back to reading as a boat drifted by.
**********
Yes, you did read correctly. I said monster. Strange how one word can bring forth such a variety of images. To some, they may imagine scary things that lurk under beds and in closets. To others, a monster could be the man next door. I'm sure that your own image of a monsters firmly etched in your head as I write. My lover is not a monster in my eyes. He's simply the man that I love. It still surprises me, the twists and turns that my life has taken. I used to have everything planned for my future. I thrived on making plans and being prepared. Funny how things never seem to work out the way one plans. Sitting here, thinking back on the last few years, I find myself reminded by how much has happened, by how my life has completely changed. Red shoes, do you believe in vampires? No, not those silly movie visions of Dracula or blood thirsty creatures that live in alleys. People who are given the gift of eternal life in exchange for their souls. Can one love if he does not possess a soul? This has become a question of debate for my best friend and myself. She claims that it is not possible. I disagree. I am more loved now, from a man that has been dead for over a hundred years, than I ever was with the two mortals that I loved. Do you think me crazy, Red Shoes? Are you checking the postmark to see what hospital was sent from? I'm not crazy. I'm just a this woman in love.
**********
Jake lowered the paper again, a thoughtful look crossing his face as he looked at the water, repeating her final statement silently before going back to read more, his curiosity piqued by the ramblings of a girl with no return address.
********************
It happened gradually, my feelings for Spike. We started off as enemies. As time passed, we became friends. My love snuck up on me, catching me by surprise. He claims that he always knew, from the first time he saw me, that I would one day be his. I tend to smile and ignore that outright lie, knowing that all he thought of when he first saw me was the easiest way to kill me. I'm sure you find it strange that I can love a man that I know wanted me dead. People change, Red Shoes. He is no longer the same man he was all those years ago, nor am I the same girl. Times passes, things happen that are beyond our control, we are forced to grow up, to learn who we really are. Spike has been alive for over a hundred years, but it wasn't until recently that he really discovered himself. God, don't I sound so smart? Acting as if I have an idea what I'm talking about. I'm as lost and clueless as everyone else, Red Shoes. I love a man that I know I'm not supposed to love. Knowledge does nothing to our hearts, to our emotions. I wonder at times, often at night as I watch the sky overhead, if being loved by Spike is my destiny. Being in his arms feels right. Does that make sense to you? Have you ever felt that? His soft lips on my neck, his large hand laying flat on my stomach, his hair brushing against my cheek, his flesh cooling my heated skin. I feel safe, protected, loved. Even when we are apart, his scent lingers, I feel his touch. He makes me brave, forces me to examine so many things that I would often overlook yet, he will tell our friends that I am his soul, that I make him appreciate things he used to ignore.
I'm sorry, I've almost forgotten why I was responding to you newspaper advertisement. You asked if we had experienced love, if we had experienced passion, if we had experienced joy. I've said before that my love for Spike was not expected. It grew from a close friendship that began my first year at college. Some things happened to Spike, far too dramatic and lengthy to discuss in this letter. Suffice it to say, he was forced into befriending his enemies. He was not happy about this change in events, nor were my friends. Honestly, I wasn't very happy either. I was dealing with the loss of my first love, stuck in a fog of grief and hurt and betrayal. In fact, the night that Spike came back into my life, I was on the brink of suicide. In a way, he saved me that night. He offered to take my life, to give me the gift of eternal life, and I was so tempted that it scared me. When we realized that he couldn't follow through on his seductive promise, disappointment mixed with relief. Red Shoes, my feelings for him scared me to death. I'd never experienced something so obsessive. I admit that I moved into a relationship quickly to try to rid myself of the need I was beginning to feel for Spike. It didn't help. In the end, I realized that I couldn't force myself to love someone that was meant only to be a friend, nor could I ignore the growing attraction I felt for Spike. I broke off my relationship after I understood my feelings, losing a lover but gaining a good friend. By that time, though, I was too late. He was in love with my best friend.
Yes, you read correctly. Spike was in love with my best friend. I knew that she didn't love him, could barely even tolerate him, but it hurt. Seeing the man that I loved watching her the way I wished he were watching me. You never really see the small things until your in love. Do you find that statement to be true, Red Shoes? I lived its honesty. So many things that I had overlooked, ignored, never noticed. The way he had of smiling at some private joke, his lips curling slightly as his eyes lightened. The way he walked, as if he possessed all of the power in the world. The way that he spoke, making even the most mundane subject alive with sexual energy. I began to hate her, Red Shoes. My best friend of five years, someone that I had been through hell and back with, and I loathed the sight of her. Because, you see, she had what I so desperately wanted, his love. And she didn't care, she didn't want it. She would dare take so precious a gift and throw it away without a second thought. How could I see her, speak to her, be with her, and not see the person that he chose over me? I know that there was never a choice. At the time, I never knew he had feelings for me at all. I felt guilty for hating her but I was unable to feel anything else when I saw her.
You asked if I had ever felt betrayal, ever experienced deceit at the hands of one that I love. It was all a game, Red Shoes. His feelings for her, the ones that I believed him to have, they never existed. He had never loved her. It was an elaborate ruse to make me realize my own feelings for him. She went along with it, for my own good. They all said it was for my own good. Why is it, Red Shoes, when someone close to you hurts you they always want to convince you that it was for your own good? Was it for my own good to feel guilty for hating Buffy? Were the sleepless nights for my own good? Was my pushing away all of my friends and closing myself off from them all for my own good? When I learned the truth, quite by accident and sooner than they seemed to want me to know, I was livid. I have never, to this day, felt such anger towards people that I care about. I did not react well, Red Shoes. To this day, I have no definite memories of what was said, but, at the end, I was crying in anger and had told them to never speak to me again.
I ran away, Red Shoes. How mature is that? I find out that the man that I love, the man that I thought I could never have, was available. That he and my dear friends had set up some big plan to convince me that I loved him. For what reason? At that time, I could not accept that he could love me, that someone like him could want me. I decided it was a cruel joke, something to amuse him. What girl wouldn't run away rather than face that truth? I know, I was a coward. I was too scared to be calm and rational, to forgive and to listen. Three days, Red Shoes. Three days that I stayed in a town up the coast, not calling home, not wanting to be reminded of anything except the sound of the ocean and the feel of the warm sand against my skin.
You might be wondering what happened next, to change my mind and make me the happy reasonably well adjusted adult that I am now. It was the third day. I was sitting on the beach in front of the small hotel, the moon was half full, bathing the sand in shadows. Distantly, the sound of music was coming from a small bar a mile up shore. I was alone, the hour being rather late for most people to be walking on the beach. I felt him, Red Shoes. No sound, no words. I just knew. I closed my eyes, wondering if I had finally driven myself insane. It was mere moments before I felt the cool touch of his fingers on my cheek. I couldn't ignore it then. I opened my eyes, saw him crouched beside me, his blue eyes on my face. He opened his mouth, had whispered my name before my fingers covered his lips, silencing him. I was caught in the moment, I must admit. It seemed surreal, a deserted beach, the man that I loved, a beautiful moon above. I can't explain it now, but I knew that my future was looking at me. I kissed him. Me. The shy, quiet one. It was more than a kiss, Red Shoes. It was a promise, a life, a future. We made love that night, on the beach, under the stars. Even now, I can close my eyes and transport myself back to that night, the smell of salty water, the soft breeze blowing against my bare skin. It was our beginning.
I won't lie to you and say that it has been easy.
We stayed at that hotel for another three days, talking, learning about
each other. I'm not an easy person to love, I have doubts and self esteem
issues that go back years. He is so patient, so wonderful at making me
accept who I am and who he is, a demon that I love with all of my heart
and soul. My friends are tolerant of him. It took me awhile to get my best
friend back. I had said some terrible things that night, when I first learned
of their deception. I am not foolish in thinking that they were right to
trick me, but I am also not silly enough to realize that I overreacted
at something that was meant to make me realize my feelings. If I hadn't
learned the truth that was in my own heart, I would never have had what
I have today. Love is such an amazing emotion. Red Shoes, I've learned
that sometimes we deceive ourselves, conceal our emotions out of fear.
Sometimes taking that leap of faith, risking the danger and the hurt, of
forgiving those we love, these are the things we cannot be scared of. If
we run from them, if we run from love, are we ever truly alive? Everyone
must found their own answer to that question. Me, well, I found my answer
that night on the beach, when I stopped running, when I found love.
********
Jake finished reading the last line of the letter,
noting that it was not signed. He looked at Stella and smiled as he folded
the paper and put it back in the envelope, "Is she right, Stella? Do you
never really live unless you experience love?" He laughed softly as she
barked, getting to his feet as he watched a passing boat, "You're right.
You don't truly live without love, you merely exist." He shook his head,
putting the letter in his back pocket, "Come on girl. Let's go get some
food."