END OF INNOCENCE (14/?)
 

             "You killed him, didn't you?"
 

             Willow glanced up at the softly spoken words, her eyes narrowing slightly at
             the accusation in them. Instead of replying, she merely shrugged, projecting
             an aura of boredom.
 

             "Damn it, Wills. Talk to me," Xander said, still standing in the doorway. He
             hated to admit it, but he was scared. He had seen the yellow flash in her
             eyes as she had looked up at him, her usual calm demeanor disappearing and
             letting him see her true face for just a split second before fading away
             again. He knew she would not hurt him. Of that, he was not worried. It was
             what she was capable of now that frightened him. He knew her, yet he knew
             nothing.
 

             "What would you like me to say, Xander?" she asked finally, glancing at him
             again. She put her arm on the arm of the chair, resting her chin on it as she
             studied him.
 

             "I don't know," he admitted, running a hand through his hair. He took a step
             into the room, his dark eyes looking at everything except her pretty face. He
             knew if he caught her eyes, he would be lost. "Tell me you didn't do it."
 

             "You know I can't do that," she said, green eyes watching his every movement.
             "I've never lied to you, Xan. I'm not going to start now."
 

             "Fuck, Wills. Why not?" he faced her suddenly. "Why can't you just bat those
             beautiful eyes and tell me that you aren't the monster that tortured and
             killed him? Why can't you just say that it was someone else, that you would
             never do something that horrible?"
 

             "You'd know it was a lie," she said simply. She got to her feet, her body
             moving gracefully as she moved towards him. Her eyes caught his, holding him
             in place as she stalked him. "Would you like that, Xander? Do you want me to
             lie to you? To keep you in the dark to protect you from the truth? What do
             you expect from me?"
 

             "More than it seems you can give," he confessed softly.
 

             Her eyes narrowed as her hand went around his throat. She held him firmly but
             not painfully as she spoke, her hand bringing his head down until their
             foreheads were almost touching, his body leaning. "I am a vampire, Xander. It
             is taking all of my love for you not to simply rip your throat open at this
             moment. Do you have any idea what I am? What I feel? I *am* a monster. You
             said you could deal with this. You made the decision. I gave you the choice.
             Have you changed your mind? Do you want to die?"
 

             "No," he whispered, closing his eyes briefly. "I'm scared."
 

             "I know," she said just as softly, her lips hovering above his. "I was scared
             too, before he turned me. I lived my life in fear. Fear of not being good
             enough, of not being accepted, of never being what I truly wanted to be. And
             now? For the first time in nineteen years, I'm not afraid. I am what I am, to
             quote Popeye."
 

             He reluctantly smiled at her reference to their childhood, his mind flashing
             to visions of him and her and Jesse imitating the cartoons they watched
             constantly. His eyes opened as he asked, "It just, I don't know. Seeing
             Forrest, and what he looked like, realizing what you had done...." he let out
             a breath, wondering if she would understand, "I could have done that."
 

             "We are a lot alike," she said. "But you, you don't have that enjoyment of
             the game. Spike doesn't either. He'd like to simply kill them, fast and
             quick, and then move onto the next. He often says that I remind him of
             Angelus and Darla, the planning and enjoyment of the pain they feel as they
             die. It was always there, I suppose. I just knew how to hide it."
 

             "How can you sit there and talk about it like that?" he asked, cringing
             slightly at the mental image her words had caused. He did not like Forrest
             the few time he had met the man, but he honestly couldn't imagine torturing
             him and killing him. Could he?
 

             "I'm a vampire, Xander. I have a demon just as you have a soul. It is part of
             us, whether we want it or not," she said softly, her hand moving from his
             neck to above his heart. She slowly smiled, realization in her eyes, "I'm not
             what scares you, Xander."
 

             "What?" he asked, his pulse racing from the feel of her cool hand on his
             shirt. Their earlier discussion was forgotten as his eyes traced the lines of
             her mouth.
 

             "I know you, Xander," she said, listening to his heartbeat and smelling the
             soft hint of his arousal in the air. She licked her lips, moving her fingers
             in a slow circle over his heart as she spoke, "It isn't me you're scared of.
             You're scared of yourself. Of what you feel, what you want, who you are,"
             with her final words, her lips claimed his.

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