END OF INNOCENCE (4/?)
 

Willow smiled, seeing the cloud of dust settle towards the ground. She had
killed three vampires. In a way, she felt satisfied. In another way, it had
been almost too easy. She shook her head, knowing that she shouldn't dwell on
those thoughts. She sighed, realizing that killing vampires was no longer
that fun. Before, when she was angry or hurt of Buffy had pissed her off,
she'd gather some supplies and head to a cemetary. After fighting one or two
vampires, she'd always start to feel better. No one knew of her way to
relieve stress. She knew she'd have to hear the whining about how she wasn't
strong enough to go out alone at night. How she'd just get herself killed by
taking such a stupid risk. She was so tired of them all thinking she was so
weak. She wasn't some stupid kid anymore. She had been fighting evil almost
as long as the slayer herself, so why couldn't they realize that with time,
she had gotten pretty damn good at it?
 

No, it was better for Buffy, safer for Buffy, to believe that Willow was
useless and helpless against the evil that went bump in the night. The stupid
bitch didn't even know her anymore, Willow realized. Of course, she had never
even allowed Xander to see this side of her. She knew he'd just be
disappointed in her for enjoying the fight. With his childhood, she could
never let him know she rather got off on the thrill and danger of fighting
these demons. That, in fact, was one of the few reasons she had remained
fighting at Buffy's side despite the nagging voice in her head that was
always telling her the things that Spike had said so eloquently that day. She
wasn't needed by Buffy anymore. Hell, at times it didn't even really seem
like Buffy knew she was there much less cared. No one did anymore. Except
Xander. And Spike....
 

She loved Xander. Had since she was old enough to realize that there were
such things as boys. Did he love her back? Lately, she would almost believe
that he could. Her feelings for him were nice and warm and fuzzy. He made her
feel safe. Spike, on the other hand, well, she couldn't even adequately
describe what he made her feel. Heat, emotion, longing, desire. With one
look, he could tempt her. He made her wonder what it would be like to be like
him. Uncaring of what others thought. Able to be who she truly was at heart
without fear of consequence. Spike would understand these nights in the
cemetary, she knew. Probably better than anyone. She hated the Initiative for
taking him and putting that implant in. Hated having to see him so weak,
knowing that he was slowly wasting away because he could no longer be true to
himself. She wouldn't even think of her body's reaction to him breaking into
her room, threatening her. She was surprised that he hadn't smelled her
arousal, it had been so thick.
 

The thought that he had given her a choice amazed her. He had actually
considered making her a vampire at one time or another, or he would have just
killed her. Later, nearly three weeks after he had come to Giles for help, he
had told her in that husky sensuous voice that the main reason he hated the
implant was because it had kept him from making her his. His blue eyes had
flashed yellow as he had told her that he had never been going to give her a
choice. That she had been going to be his mate...his childe...his prodigy.
But, the damn implant had ruined that. She had thought for a moment at the
time that he had been joking. Merely playing with her. But, she had seen
honest sadness in his eyes for a brief moment before he had hardened his
eyes. She knew in her heart that his words should have frightened
her...should have terrified her. Instead, they had excited her. She had never
been wanted by anyone before and here was this gorgeous blond vampire that
was angry because his claiming of her had been halted due to meddling
soldiers.
 

It was that night that she had gone back to her empty dorm, knowing that
Buffy was with Riley, and sat on her bed lost in thought for so many hours.
She realized that she would have welcomed Spike's claim. If he had asked her,
she would have gladly gone to his side. Before, the idea of being a vampire
had disgusted her while still seeming somewhat mysterious. As time had passed
though, she had begun to realize that it seemed somewhat right in a way. She
had done too much thinking, wondering if somehow Buffy had messed with fate
by arriving in Sunnydale and preventing her from being changed that evening
so many years before, the day Jesse had been made. Were she and Xander
predestined to be vampires? She knew it was rather stupid to think about such
a silly subject in such depth, but she couldn't help it. For weeks, the
nagging question had been in her mind. How different would her life be if she
were a vampire? Would it take away this restlessness that always seemed to
fill her body? Would she finally feel less adrift, finding safety in Spike's
deadly embrace? Would she be as strong as Angelus or as weak as Jesse?
 

She knew that if she ever had a choice again, a choice to become Spike's mate
for eternity, his childe and student, that her mind would scream no but her
lips would say yes. She knew that she belonged with him. It was just
something she felt in her heart, just as she knew that Xander belonged to
her. He could deny it just as she could deny Spike, but it did not make it
untrue. She was smart enough to know that becoming like Spike, learning from
him, would allow this darkness that seemed to grow daily inside her soul out.
He would not make her into something that did not already exist deep inside.
Even the lust for blood was there, though she had no desire as a human to
taste the blood. She just wanted to spill it. Every single soldier at that
damn initiative deserved to die in pain for what they were doing to demons
and vampires alike. Sure, they claimed they were helping. To her, they should
simply kill their captives or let them go. This scientific research was
inhumane. Lately, Willow had seen firsthand that humans could often times be
worse than the demons and vampires that they had to fight. If it came down to
it, she knew which side she would choose in a fight. Even being human, she
could recognize what evil they were doing. And Buffy was helping them.
 

Thinking of the slayer, Willow found anger again starting to spread over her
body. Buffy didn't deserve to be a slayer. She was behaving worse than Faith,
which was saying a lot. Faith at least still fought demons even when sided
with the mayor. In a way, Willow could see why Faith had done what she had
done. She did not condone it, knowing that making a deal with the mayor would
have destroyed Sunnydale. But, in some ways, to her at least, it was better
than making a deal with the Initiative. Willow would often find herself
hoping, in a dark part of her mind that no one would ever see, that Buffy
would not return from patrol. She knew that these thoughts, no matter how
private and random, were not nice. She frowned, realizing that 'not nice' did
not even begin to describe the dreams she had had of Buffy dying violently,
often times at Spike's hands. She wondered if the new slayer in line would
see what the initiative truly was...would see that it was evil and should be
destroyed, just as the demons that wanted to control the Hellmouth should be.
To Willow, the Initiative was just another demon wanting that total control
over something that did not need to be and should not be controled, the
Hellmouth. Sure, they covered it up with military and scientific covers, and
they were humans, which was a bit different, but they wanted the same thing
that the Master did..that the Mayor did. They wanted to control the demons
and vampires that populated Sunnydale.
 

Willow tried to ignore the feelings of hatred and anger that were running
through her. She really guessed it was time to get home. She decided that she
might go check on Xander, see if he was feeling ok. She didn't know if he had
been thinking the same things that Spike had said, like she had. If not, it
might have really been a surprise for him to have to confront them. She had
to make sure he was ok. After all, she did love him. She began to walk North,
towards his neighborhood. She found visions of her and Xander with Spike
flittering through her mind. She had seen flashes of anger in Xander's eyes a
few times, knew that he often covered his true feelings with the goofy smile
instead of letting it all out. She smiled slightly wondering what she would
have to do to convince Spike that Xander was hers and belonged with
her...with them...for eternity. She laughed softly, the thoughts of the three
of them together making her heart race. Could she do it though? It was fine
to think about...dream about...fantasize about. But, could she look into
Spike's eyes and as him to kill her? To kill her best friend? To know that
they would both awaken, the same in many ways but so different in others. To
know that everyone she had ever cared about that was still human would die at
their hands. To not feel guilt for anything she did. To have the ability to
do whatever she wanted, knowing that Spike and Xander would never leave her.
She sighed, knowing that if the time came, she could do all those
things..would do all those things without hesitation. She felt a wave of
guilt spread over her, as it often did when her thoughts turned to this
particular subject. She began to walk faster, needing to see Xander so that
she could ground herself back in reality. She really needed to quit having
such flights of fancy, she scolded herself mentally as she walked.

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