END OF INNOCENCE (7/?)
 

Xander hit the bag again, feeling a drop of sweat drip into his eye. He
rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand, pulling his t-shirt over his
head and using it to mop up the sweat. He tossed it on the floor, stretching
a minute before resuming his punches. He had bought the bag the day before,
having gone shopping with Willow searching for the perfect bag. It was
proving very theraputic, helping relieve his stress completely. Well, not
completely. He could still feel the tension in his body, in his mind.
Groaning, he turned from the bag and moved to the couch.
 

He jumped over the back of the couch, sitting down with his feet on the
table. He turned the television on, wondering what Will was doing. He hadn't
heard from, despite her promise to come by after class. It worried him a bit,
even more so when he had called the dorm and received no answer. But, he knew
she had a test she was studying for. She was probably just at the library. As
the cartoon played, he found himself remembering some of their hours worth of
conversation over the past few days. Willow was unhappy. With her life, with
school, with everything. He hated not being able to say the words to make
everything all right. Hated not even truly knowing what those words were.
 

She had told him about Spike's ultimatum that night in her dorm. About
Spike's further explanation that there really wouldn't have been a choice at
all. Knowing that Spike wanted her, well, he was jealous. More than jealous.
He was livid at the idea that Spike wanted her as a childe. Where did that
leave him? Alone. That was where it left him. Miserable and alone. He closed
his eyes and leaned his head back on the couch, wondering why Spike didn't
want him too. Realizing how strange that sounded, even mentally, he clarified
to his brain that he meant why didn't Spike want to turn him too. Was there
something undesirable about him? Not that he wanted to be turned. No, being
dead was not something he wanted to consider this early in life. He had been
rather surprised that Willow had been so matter of fact about Spike wanting
to claim her. Of course, Xander had seen the flicker of desire in her green
eyes and could imagine what else Spike had probably promised to do to her and
for her.
 

Xander was sure that Willow had just allowed the alcohol to talk for her
though. There was no way she could really have meant that she had seriously
considered Spike's offer. He remembered the vampire version of Will that had
come to town their senior year and shuddered. That vampire would never be
what his Willow would be like. His Willow was more mature, older. She was
also smarter and a bit more dangerous. He felt himself hardening as he
remembered her in leather and talking about riding people like ponies.
Sunnydale would never know what hit it if his Willow was turned. He was
thankful that Spike had the implant, after hearing Willow's words. That way,
he knew there was very little chance the blond could change her. Hell, it
would take Willow going to him and asking, consenting to his bite. Actually
wanting to die. No, he had nothing to worry about. Never his Willow.
 

His eyes flew open when he felt a pain in his chest. He gasped for breath,
sitting up and putting his head in his hands. It was horrible. Like someone
was ripping a part of him out. He stood up, his eyes blurring with tears as
he stumbled into the table. The pain was terrible. He could feel it in his
neck...in his chest....he couldn't breathe. He hit the wall, sliding down to
sit on his ass with his legs bended at the knee. He rested his forehead on
them, wrapping his long arms his knees as he began to rock. He had only felt
this kind of pain one other time. The night Willow had been knocked out by
that vampire in the library, when the bookcase had fallen on her. He blacked
out from the pain, waking up after she was on the way to the hospital. Now,
he recognized the small shots of pain he would receive randomly from time to
time, knowing that they were caused from his connection with Willow. She was
in terrible pain at the moment. No, he clarified, not really pain. She was
dying. He cried out, falling to his side and curling up in a fetal position
as he continued to raggedly breathe in gulps of air. Not Willow. She couldn't
be dying. He felt a moment's hope that somehow Spike had been able to turn
her and that she was safe with the blond vampire. Then, at least, she
wouldn't be gone. Not really. He began to sob, whispering her name over and
over before he blacked out again, feeling the pain leave him as she died.

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