"She's asleep" Willow said, sitting on the couch opposite Spike.
 

"What scared you?" Spike asked, getting straight to the point.
 

"Scared? I wasn't scared" Willow protested, frowning.
 

"I can hear your heartbeat, pet. I know when you're excited...when
you're turned on...when you're scared. You were frightened at the
watcher's place. Why?"
 

Willow felt her face flushing as she realized that Spike could tell all
those things just by listening to the beat of her heart. She gulped,
suddenly finding the carpet interesting, "It was Xander."
 

"Chubs?" Spike said, making a face. "How the hell did he scare you?"
 

She looked at him, her eyes suddenly serious. "Have you noticed
something about him and Anya lately?"
 

"I try to avoid thinking about them" Spike said dryly.
 

"Well, he's acting weird....he's angry all the time. I guess you haven't
seen the bruises on her then either...."
 

"I have" he said simply.
 

"What I'm about to say doesn't leave this room, ok? If he found out I
mentioned it and I am wrong....well, it's his secret to tell, not mine.
Got it?"
 

Spike found himself intrigued. What about the moron had frightened
Willow? "I don't make promises, luv. Never keep 'em."
 

Willow looked at him, her eyes worried. She saw the honesty in his eyes
and felt that she could trust him. "Xander's father....he uh...he use to
beat Xander and his mother. Bad. He stopped when Xander got his growth
spurt back Freshman year, but he still yells alot.....I'm worried that
Xander may be taking after him."
 

"You think Xander is beating Anya?" the seriousness of her suspicion
shocked him so much he forgot to use his little nicknames for the two
teens. He shook his head slightly, "Nah...I don't see it."
 

"But" Willow started.
 

He held up his hand, "No, listen. I can sense things like that. Sort of
a violent radar. The kid's angry, I give you that. That radiates off him
in waves, but it always has. I think he's just finally voicing it.
Albeit, a bit loudly. But, he's not beating her."
 

"Are you sure?" Willow said. "See? You can't be. She seemed so
quiet...something is scaring her. If it isn't Xander, which I really
hope I'm wrong about, then what is it?"
 

Spike shrugged, looking away. He didn't want her to know he actually
cared. He'd taken a liking to the moron and he and the girl often spoke
about their pasts. Damn it. He was falling into their little group.
Belonging...he hated that. "Don't really care pet. It's their life."
 

"Fine. Go then" Willow said. She stood, moving past him. "I should have
known better than to ask you for help. You only care about yourself
anyway. I'll try to figure it out alone."
 

"Fuck yeah, I care about myself. No one else is going to if I don't. Why
the hell should I care about your little friends? They hate me." Spike
said. Suddenly realizing how poofy he sounded, he amended, "Just like I
hate them."
 

Willow looked at him, her eyes suddenly lifeless. "We know you hate us
without you constantly telling us. Go home Spike. Sorry to have bothered
you with our petty little problems." She walked to the stairs, turning
back to look at him, a wisful smile on her face, "I've never hated you."
 

Spike watched her go upstairs, hating the defeated way her shoulders
slumped. He cursed, kicking the sofa. He did hate them. He didn't care.
He let his eyes drift back to her as she finished making her up the
stairs. Damn it. He sat down, his hands covering his head. Why did he
care?
 

FEAR AND LOVE (12/?)
 

"Red?"
 

Willow heard the call and moved from where she had been sitting. She
left the window and walked into the hallway. She heard a frantic call,
"RED!"
 

"I'm here Faith" she said, walking into the guest bedroom. She saw the
slayer look towards the direction of her voice, a scared look on her
face. "What's wrong?"
 

Faith reached for Willow's hand, needing something to reassure her. She
held it tightly, shutting her eyes. "I can't see anything."
 

"What?" Willow said, surprised. "I thought it was all just blurry."
 

"It was" Faith said softly. She could hear how ragged her breathing was
and hated showing this weakness. "It's all dark. What the fuck is
happening?"
 

"I don't know." Willow said honestly. She glanced at the clock and saw
that it was just four am. "It's real early, Faith. Why don't you try to
get some sleep. We can ask Giles tomorrow."
 

Faith nodded, not letting go of Willow's hand. "Talk to me. Please?"
 

Willow sighed, moving to sit beside the brunette slayer on the bed. She
couldn't imagine going through what the girl was. Sure, Faith had been
evil, but she was trying to redeem herself, only to lose her sight. She
began to speak, "Well, what do you want me to talk about?"
 

Faith shrugged, just glad to not be alone. "Dunno. Tell me about
Blondie. He was a major hottie."
 

"Spike? Well, he was taken by the iniative and implanted. Since then,
he's been helping us in exchange for food and stuff. He hates us all
though....Buffy still doesn't like him, though he has saved her life
several times."
 

"Someone's got a crush" Faith teased, hearing the way girl spoke about
the vampire. "And even better, it pisses B off. I think I could enjoy
that."
 

"She doesn't even know" Willow said. "She has Riley now. Just like
Xander has Anya. They don't need me."
 

"Yeah they do" Faith said simply. She snuggled down into her pillow,
enjoying speaking to someone other than Angel or Cordelia. "You're the
glue."
 

"Glue?" Willow said, moving the pillow behind her and settling down.
 

"You hold them all together. They need you or else where would they be?"
Faith said.
 

"Nah...anyone could research. It seems that lately they're never around.
I'm always alone. Well, except for patrol. Then I have Spike. Even for a
few hours..."
 

"They need you, Red" Faith said, yawning. "We all need ya."
 

"Really?" Willow asked softly. This was the first time she had spoken of
her fears of being alone since that night with Spike. Since then, she
had tried to ignore them, finally giving in an wondering if they were
grounded. She did seem to be alone all the time now. She hated it.
 

"I'd be dead if it weren't for you. Get over the pity party" Faith said.
 

Hearing Faith repeat what Spike had said made Willow giggle.
"Sorry...you just reminded me of someone...he said the same thing....it
actually helped."
 

"Good. The guy must be a genius..hell, he thinks like me" Faith said,
smiling slightly, her blindness forgotten as she and Willow continued to
chat about Sunnydale and LA.
 

Spike listened to the girls, smiling slightly. He had heard Faith call
out and gone upstairs to investigate, not realizing Willow was still
awake. He thought back over what Willow had said. Did she have a crush
on him? His smile deepened. That could be a good thing, he decided. He
sat down, listening to them talk softly before sleep eventually claimed
them both. He hated to admit it, but he thought he might be falling in
love with Willow. Instead of scaring him, as it should, the idea was
rather reassuring. He waited until their breathing was even before
moving into the room and covering them up. He let his fingers caress
Willow's face as he moved to sit down and watch her sleep for a few
hours.
 

FEAR AND LOVE (13/?)
 

Willow woke up, stetching as she moved her arm away from Faith. The girl
was still sleeping heavily. She froze when she caught sight of Spike
sleeping in the chair by the bed. She noticed his feet on her side of
the mattress and suddenly knew what that cold block against her legs had
been. Her expression softened as she looked at him. He was almost boyish
in sleep. The hard edge was softened. She resisted the urge to brush
back his hair, deciding instead to just watch him while she had an
opportunity.
 

Spike was dreaming. Not dreaming really. Just remembering. He grimaced
in his sleep as the memories flashed at him. He settled in to a deep
sleep as the day of his death was replayed for his eyes for the first
time in over a hundred years. He was watching himself be stalked by his
sire. His curiosity got the better of him as he waited patiently to see
what would happen next, as if he didn't know.
 

William left the pub late. He and the boys had been glad to see a day
off of work and had been celebrating. Now, his head was rather fuzzy and
he just felt tired. He heard the footsteps but disregarded them. For
early morning, his area of town was always populated. Probably some
working girl earning her supper, he decided. He turned down the alley
that led to his flat. He heard the footsteps continue falling him. The
scent of lavendar drifted over to him. He turned, his blue eyes widening
slightly. Beautiful. Dark hair...dark eyes. He smiled his most charming
smile, not taking his eyes of the gorgeous creature. It was love at
first sight.
 

Drusilla smiled at the dark haired man. His blue eyes flashed with humor
and intelligence. She moved forward, glancing behind her to make sure
her daddy was not following her. This handsome boy was going to be hers.
She didn't want Daddy to tell her no. She wanted her own baby boy. She
heard him say hello and moved closer. "So pretty..I want to make you
mine. Will you be mine?"
 

William was caught by her words. This beautiful lady wanted him? He saw
her eyes and looked deep into them. He moved towards her, his consent in
his eyes. He brought his lips to hers, brushing them softly against
hers. He felt her hand go to the back of his head as she suddenly pulled
him to his knees. Never once was he frightened of her. He had found the
place where he belonged. He closed his eyes as she drained his blood. He
felt her sweet life force against his lips and he began to lick. Soon,
he was drinking. The last thing he heard before he fell into
unconsciouness was an amused male voice saying, "Dru, princess. What
have you done now?"
 

"Oh Daddy...isn't he pretty? I love him...you will too. Promise. Can we
keep him? Please?
 

The male voice sighed before finally relenting to her pleading. "Yes
honey...we can keep him."
 

Spike suddenly shot up in the chair, his feet hitting the floor. He
closed his eyes, putting his head on his knees. He hadn't dreamed of Dru
in months. Why now? Why this memory? He felt his sire pulling at him. He
couldn't refuse her. Was she near? He heard a soft gasp and looked up,
his blue eyes still confused from the dream. He saw Willow watching him,
her expression as confused as he felt.
 

"You ok?" she asked softly, concern pushing her embarrassment at getting
caught watching to the side.
 

"Nightmare" he said.
 

"Oh...I have those too" she replied smiling.
 

He ran a hand through his hair, "Yeah, well this one was a memory I'd
tried to forget...."
 

"A memory?" she asked, curious as to what he was trying not to remember.
 

"About my damn sire" he hissed, not understanding what she was trying to
tell him. Dru use to always speak to him through his dreams...it was one
of her many talents. She was telling him something by making him
remember.
 

"About Angelus?" Willow asked.
 

"That bloody poof isn't my sire" Spike said, looking at her in surprise.
"It was about Drusilla...my mum."
 

FEAR AND LOVE (14/?)
 

"Don't yell at me!" Anya shrieked across the front seat of the car.
 

"I'm not yelling!" Xander said, his tone irritated.
 

"Yes you are...you do it so often lately you can't even tell!" Anya
said, looking out the window as the car moved down Main Street.
 

"I do not yell!" Xander screamed at her. He glared at her before
signalling and getting into the right lane.
 

"Whatever. I am so sick of it" Anya said softly. She rubbed her temples
with her fingers, the pain flaring as he continued to scream that he
didn't yell.
 

"I don't yell" Xander said, suddenly sounding unsure. He started to
think back over the last two weeks. It did seem that he was letting his
anger out verbally more than he ever had before. He frowned, realizing
that she was right. He had spent the last fourteen days with her
screaming at her. He was no better than his father. That thought
terrified him. He stopped the car, turning to face Anya. "God Baby..I'm
so sorry."
 

Anya stiffened, hearing him say yet again that he was sorry. She looked
at him, "I'm sick of hearing that! Every night I hear you apologize at
once. That isn't healthy. You have a problem Xander. I love you but I am
sick of it. I can't handle it anymore."
 

"What?' Xander said, not liking the look in her eyes. "I love you too
Anya. So much. I can't lose you...."
 

"You have" she said simply, opening her door. "I can't spend my life
being yelled at, Xander. Look what it did to your mother."
 

Xander opened his own door, standing beside his car. "Please don't Anya.
We can work this out. I don't know what happened...I can't lose you.
Please?"
 

Anya shook her head, "No. I gave you two weeks. I tried to get you to
acknowledge the problem. When you get it figured out, call me. I do love
you, Xan."
 

Xander felt his heart break as she touched his hand over the top of his
car. He tightened his grip, crying out softly as she pulled her fingers
free from his. He watched her walk away, tears in his eyes. What had he
done? He suddenly noticed the approaching car. He looked at Anya. Her
head was down as she wiped her eyes. He screamed her name. She turned to
look back at him, her eyes sad. He moved as fast as he could, but it was
too late. The car swerved to miss her, hitting her anyway. He screamed
as he fell to her side, her broken body in his arms. He cried.
 

*************

"Dru was your sire?" Willow said. She was shocked, yet, somehow that
made sense. "We always assumed it was Angel...I thought he said he was
your sire..."
 

"Peaches likes to take credit. He molded me, luv, but he didn't change
me." Spike said, grimacing. "That was all Dru."
 

"He taught you?" Willow asked, knowing then why Spike had been so
sadistic and mean.
 

"Drusilla wasn't really in a position to teach me, pet" Spike said
sarcastically. "Angelus kept me because Dru wanted me. Didn't have any
idea what a pain I'd be I'm sure...."
 

"You aren't a pain..well, to him you may have been" Willow admitted.
 

"She's making me remember" Spike spat out in disgust, wanting a
cigarette.
 

"Huh?' Willow asked.
 

"Dru. She's sending me my damn memories. She hasn't done that in
years...since before the whole soul thing. Fuck, maybe I'm just going
crazy" Spike said.
 

"Is she here?" Willow asked, fear in her voice.
 

"No..." Spike said, frowning. "Don't feel her. She may have just been
thinking about me....who the hell knows?"
 

"Thanks for staying" Willow said softly.
 

"Whatever" he said, not catching her eye. He saw her smile and felt
disgusted at the joy that simple action brought to him.
 

"I'd still like for us to talk" WIllow started to say. She heard the
phone ringing and picked it up. "Hello? Xander? What's wrong? Where? Oh
my god...is she ok? I'll be there as soon as I can..."
 

"It's Anya..she was hit by a car..she's in critical condition" Willow
said, her voice tremoring from her fear. She glanced at Faith's sleeping
body and then looked at SPike.
 

"I'll watch the chit" Spike said, not wanting her to see his worry about
Anya. "Is she going to be ok?"
 

"I don't know" Willow said, hugging him suddenly. She needed to feel
safe before going to the hospital. "Thank you."
 

"Watching the slayer isn't anything" he said gruffly.
 

"Not for that...for just being here when I needed you..." she said,
pulling back and kissing his cheek. She left him sitting there in
surprise at her actions.
 

FEAR AND LOVE (15/?)
 

Willow ran to her room and dressed quickly. She couldn't believe that
Anya was in the hospital. She might be dying. What scared her the most
was that this wasn't caused by some demon or vampire. This had been an
accident. She couldn't believe how horrible Xander had sounded. His tone
had been scared and guilty. She wondered what exactly had happened.
Spike seemed convinced that Xander wasn't the one hitting Anya. But, she
had seen that his temper had been rather prominant the last few
meetings. That, for Xander, was surprising. She really hoped that Anya
was ok.
 

She called out a goodbye and final thanks to Spike. She couldn't believe
she had kissed him. Sure, it had just been a friendly peck on the cheek,
but she had done it. He had seemed as shocked as she. She grabbed her
purse and coat and ran outside. She was several miles from the hospital
and decided not to walk. She found her parent's car keys and said a
small prayer that she could remember the details of driving. She had
received her license on her sixteenth birthday but rarely drove anywhere
in Sunnydale. She backed out and drove off towards the hospital.
 

The demon watched the redhead drive away. He glanced at the house,
knowing that the vampire and the slayer were still there. He smiled
slightly. The spell was finally coming together. He had been growing
impatient. It had taken two weeks. And still he had not seen the results
he was aiming for. He wondered what had happened. He knew that it was
the mortal boy and Anyanka. His connection to them through the curse let
him know if it was working. Anyanka's connection was weakening. He
suddenly frowned as he felt it weaken further. He let his mind search
trying to find her location. He wanted to know what was happening.
 

**********

It was dark. Anya felt like she was floating. Strangely, it was rather
peaceful. She felt comfortable. It was quiet. She liked quiet, lately.
She felt someone beside her but couldn't see anyone. There was pain in
her body, but she knew she wasn't in her body. Had she died? She
wondered if that was why she felt so free. Damn human body. She had
survived over a thousand years as a demon only to die not even a year
after becoming human. Stupid weak humans.
 

She heard a voice come to her. It was her Xander. He was crying. She
stilled. Xander never cried. He rarely displayed any emotion other than
happiness and amusement. This last week had shown her the side of him he
kept bottled up. She didn't mind him letting out his anger. She knew it
was part of being human. But, he didn't deal with it. Instead, he just
screamed a lot and didn't listen. It pissed her off at the same time it
allowed her to see the real Xander Harris. She did love the idiot
though. Anger and all.
 

She wondered again if she was dead. It might be nice not to feel pain
anymore. The bruises and cuts from the last weeks were growing on her
nerves. It made her feel weak. She hated feeling weak. It might be worht
dying to not have to be human, she decided.
 

She heard the words coming to her more clearly. Xander was praying. She
didn't know he believed in God. He was begging her to come back to him.
To let him love her. She smiled as she listened to him remember when
they had first met. The way she had annoyed him. Listen to him describe
the first time he had realized that he had loved her. The emotion in his
voice surprised her. They had not spoken of their feelings, just
assuming the other one new the depth of them. She hadn't realized just
how deeply he did care for her. She began to move towards his voice. The
pain slowly started to come back to her. She needed Xander. Death wasn't
worth losing him. She could handle being human if he was beside her.
 

Xander knew this was his fault. He had spent nineteen years bottling up
his emotions. Not wanting to become like his father. Now, after they had
finally spilled over, he had driven Anya into traffic...into the path of
a car. He was the reason she was laying there unconscious. He felt tears
on his face as he clasped her hand. "God damn it Anya...you'd better
come back! I can't do this whole living thing without you.....we have so
much ahead of us...you can't miss that."
 

He felt her hand squeeze his and looked up in surprise. She was slowly
opening her eyes. He yelled for a nurse, not taking his eyes off of her.
She blinked as she smiled softly at him, "Don't plan on missing
anything...."
 

"Jeez, Anya. You scared me so much..don't ever leave me again!" he said,
his voice tremoring from the fear he had felt at the idea of losing her.
 

"Love you Xander" she said before closing her eyes again. She was
breathing steadily but the pain in her back was horrid.
 

"Love you too Anya" he said, his hand tight around hers as the nurse
came in to check on her. He wasn't letting her go again.
 
 

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