Quit trying to find out who I am
I'm not. Every night I talk endlessly about myself, my friends, my family. I want you to talk tonight. Please?
I'm not good at this
What, talking? Just start. Before you know it, you'll be holding a conversation
My past? My friends, family etc?
Please
My mother was a whore. Never knew my father. He was one of dozens of men. She didn't want me. I grew up sleeping in the alley behind our place. She always had clients in the bed.
Willow's eye widened. He was actually going to talk about himself. Poor Spike. His mother hadn't wanted him.
I hated her. She hated me. I could never please her. I was on my own by the time I was twelve. Found out that the ladies liked me. I became what she was.
You were a ....
Whore? Yes. Never with men. Only the women. They paid me. It was easy. I was able to eat. I was able to rent a room. It was the first time I had a roof over my head.
What happened?
I fell in love with one of them. Thought she loved me. Hell, I was a fool. She liked what I could do to her, what I made her feel...The bitch was married.
What did you do?
It was bad. It was the first time I ever really thought someone cared. Then, to have to admit that it was a lie. I vowed to never trust one of them with my heart. I put myself into my work. I began to treat it like a game. I hated it. Every moment of it. I hated them. They used me, but what was worse was me allowing them to use me.
Willow waited. She couldn't believe what she was reading.
I became cruel. I no longer cared what they wanted. I began to use them. I thought I was a big man. Having all these women call for me. Pay for me. Want me. And I never wanted them. Not one of them cared who I was or what I thought. I was a body. They were the means for me to get out of the alley. Also, I wasn't lonely anymore. They were in and out of my life, but for that time, I had someone.
What went wrong? I assume you aren't still a gigolo?
Willow was proud for having remembered that he didn't know she knew who he was.
I guess you could say my dad changed things.
Thought you didn't know your dad?
He wasn't my real dad. He sort of adopted me, I guess you could say. He wooed me. He wanted me. I thought I had finally found someone who cared. That was a joke. He was the same as they were. He didn't care. He used me as they did. When he was finished, he molded me into something that I never wanted to be. I hated him, yet I loved him. He gave me so many things, things I never would have dreamed of. Then, he left. Left me with another person the same as I.
Willow knew he was now talking about Dru. She was curious to see what he would say. She couldn't believe he had admitted to loving Angelus. She was almost glad that he didn't know she was aware of his identity. She doubted he would have spoken so freely if he had.
She even more lost than I. I took care of, loved her. Gave her everything she ever wanted. It was nice having someone to hold at night. Having someone who wanted me. Then, he came back. She left me. I lost everything again. Now, I'm here. Still lonely. Still afraid. Silly isn't it?
No. I'm afraid too. I think everyone is afraid of being alone. Not having love. You have to allow yourself to be loved before you can love. I think everyone has to have that connection.
I'm sorry. I hadn't realized just what I was saying..everything I was telling you. I've never spoken of that to anyone, ever.
You can always talk to me about anything. I'll always be here.
I think we should stop this. It has gone too far. I think you are forgetting that it's just a game. I don't want to hurt you.
I remember that it's a game, to you. To me, it is so much more.
I'm sorry....goodbye
What?
Willow hit her computer screen hard. That bastard.
She had learned a lot about him in the past hour. And, just when he was
finally opening up to her, he runs away, again. To be such a bad ass, evil
vampire, he sure was a coward.