She walked down the dark hall, glad that she knew instinctively where everything was at. Not a single table had been moved since she was six, the last time her Mother had re-arranged the house. Why redecorate if they were hardly ever there? She found the closed door to her room, idly wondering why she shut the door if she was the only one in the house. She assumed it was because she never knew if her parents would suddenly arrive home unexpectedly. It wouldn't do for them to glance into her room and see some of the books she had borrowed laying on her desk. She'd either be receiving therapy immediately or shipped off to a boarding school away from the influence of that Bunny girl. She felt the door, finding the doorknob. Turning it, she walked into her room, shutting the door behind her.

Willow flipped on her light switch, walking slowly into the room. She put down her book bag, letting the opened bag spill its contents to the floor. She listened as the books fell, her eyes dull as she watched them. She kicked her shoes off, walking towards the bathroom. She went inside, flipping that light on. Looking in the mirror, she could no longer ignore the reality around her. Her green eyes took in the broken lip and the blood drying on the bottom lip, the mussed hair, the bruises on her throat made with strong hands, the torn shirt barely hanging on her thin form. Her skirt had been ripped as his hands had torn at it, her panties laying in tatters in her bag. She knew there was blood between her legs, having seen it on him when he had pulled away. She began to suck in deep breaths, closing her eyes to the memories of that night, pushing it from her mind.

She suddenly began to cry silently, the tears that had remained unwept during the entire assault. Her throat was still sore from screaming no over and over into ears that had not listened to her cries. Her wrists were bruised from his tight grip as he had held her arms above her head as he had pounded into her dryness over and over. She could still smell him on her. She hastily removed her clothing, wanting...needing to rid herself of him. She turned the water on full blast, making it as hot as possible. The heat would wash his scent away...wash away the touch. She stepped beneath the scalding water, wiping furiously with a cloth as she turned her pale skin pink from the vigorous scrubbing. The water turned pink as the blood was washed from her body.

She felt the water cooler as she used all the hot water. She looked at her body, a wave of disgust welling up inside. It had been her fault. That's what he had said. She had teased him and bewitched him, forcing him to take her. She couldn't tell anyone. They'd all blame her. She had to forget that it had happened. Forget everything that had happened that night. She pulled her arms around herself, sinking to the floor of the shower as the tears continued to fall. A dull ache between her legs and a slight pain around her neck reminded her all too well of what she was trying to forget. She brought her knees up, her forehead resting on them as she tried to think of something else. Anything except his face and his touch and his voice. She took a few deep breaths, the cold water falling on her from above. "It's OK, Willow" she whispered out loud, "You're going to be fine. Just forget about it all. You're still breathing and that's what is most important. Still breathing." She began to sob quietly, the forlorn sound echoing throughout the empty house.

********************

"Hey Willow. Feeling better?" Buffy asked, smiling at the pale redhead as she took a seat at the lunch table.

Willow nodded, not saying anything. It had been four days since she had been raped. Four days that she had stayed home, refusing all phone calls and visitors. She had told her best friend she had been sick, which she had been in a way. This was her first day back at school and she honestly didn't know how she was going to survive. She had pushed the entire rape into the back recesses of her mind, determined to forget about it. Nothing could change it. Talking about it would only end up hurting more. Why put herself and her friends through such pain? She was strong. She could deal with it and get over it without telling anyone.

"Cat got your tongue?" Xander asked, sitting down as Cordelia joined them.

She shrugged, saying softly, "Don't feel much like talking."

"You know, Willow. It may be November and traditionally almost winter, but it's 80 degrees outside." Cordelia pointed out, looking pointedly at the redhead's brown long sleeved turtleneck. "Don't you find that a bit warm?"

Willow shook her head, having worn the shirt to conceal the bruises still evident on her neck. All that could be made out were the long fingers that curled around her pulse point, but that was enough to raise questions. She looked at Buffy, asking," Is your mother ok?"

The slayer nodded, "Still rather embarrassed, as she should be. Parading around in that miniskirt. Yuck. And what's even worse is she doesn't remember what she did. Thankfully that drug seemed to prove a memory lapse too. I'd hate if she remembered she actually LIKED wearing my clothes!" Buffy laughed.

The others laughed and Willow smiled somewhat weakly. She hadn't laughed in days. She had gone home early that night as Buffy had tried to find Ethan and fix the effects of that candy. Memory lapse? That was good, she guessed. Having seen some of the adults around the Bronze and such, it was good that they couldn't remember how silly they had been. For her, it was good in another way too. She could block the rape, forget about it and just move on with her life. How difficult would that be? Luckily, it hadn't lasted long. No more than thirty minutes though it had seemed like an eternity during the event. She drifted off, staring at the bottle of ketchup.

"Willow?" Xander said, frowning. He hadn't really been around his best friend since their little fluke that night before Homecoming. Their kiss and the awkward feelings after. He loved Cordelia and knew that whatever had happened between him and Willow was based on friendship and maybe a little bit of the unknown. He didn't plan on repeating the mistake, having already confessed it to Delia. She hadn't been too thrilled but seemed happy that he had been honest with her. "Earth to Willow. Come in Willow."

Buffy smiled, wondering what her friend was thinking about. She seemed sick still. She had been walking slowly between classes, her mind seemingly in another place. Must have been some bad flu, Buffy decided, knowing she wouldn't allow her friend to go on patrols for awhile. Not until she was stronger. She reached over, touching Willow's arm.

Willow felt someone touch her arm and pulled away quickly, pushing her chair back. She was shaking badly, looking into the confused faces of her friends. She smiled slightly, "Sorry. You startled me. I was somewhere else."

"It's ok" Buffy said. "Ready to hit the library?"

Willow looked at the table as she nodded, counting slowly to calm herself. Her breathing was ragged as she stood, following her friends slowly. She gathered every bit of courage that she had knowing her true test was coming. She had to face the man that had raped her without letting anyone know that it had happened. He didn't even remember due to the drugged candy that had caused his behavior. She was the only one that knew that Giles had raped her and she planned on keeping it that way. She lifted her head, breathing calmly as she walked into the library.

********************

Willow paused in the entry way to the library. She moved forward, holding onto the railing as she began to shake. Her green eyes skittered around the library, her mind vividly recalling her rape that had happened on the very table Buffy was setting her books on. She saw Giles come out of his office, a book in his hands and his glasses on. That night he hadn't been wearing the glasses. That should have been her first clue that something was wrong. But, she had been stupid. So very stupid.

She had gone to the library, intending to do research for Buffy after they had seen all the adults at the Bronze. They had known something was up, Buffy and the others setting off to try to find out something. She had seen Giles as she had gone to her computer, frowning at his jeans and leather coat. He definitely hadn't been dressed like their Giles. She now knew he had been Ripper at the time. It had actually happened rather quickly. She had been typing on the keyboard as he had spoken to her, his words charming and rather blunt. She had assumed he was kidding with her for some reason, choosing to ignore him. Next thing she had known, he had pulled her out of her chair, his hands tight around her arms as he had thrown her on the table. The rest had happened like a movie she was watching from afar. He had torn her clothes, hitting her face as she had screamed. She had known screaming was pointless, knowing that the school was always empty by four o'clock, but she couldn't stop the screaming. He hadn't listened, simply unfastening his jeans and roughly pushing into her. She had felt her virginity taken as she had stared at the light overhead, still screaming but trying to block everything that he was doing to her. He seemed to enjoy her screams, hitting her when she trailed off. She had laid on the table, his cum dripping from her thighs as he had tucked himself back in his jeans and left the library, calling out a cheerio as he left her. When she was sure he was gone, she had pulled herself together and gone home.

Buffy had called her the next day, telling her everything about Ethan and the candy. That's when she had realized that their Giles really hadn't done it. She had known she had to stick with her original plan to avoid thinking about it and just forget it happened. Hearing that all the adults seemed to have had their memory of that day taken when the candy wore off just reinforced the idea that no one ever had to know. But, it was too soon to be facing him. And especially here. She couldn't look at that table without imagining herself laying on it as he thrust into her so painfully. She glanced down, looking at her whitened knuckles as they clenched tightly around the wooden banister.

She heard his voice through her mental fog and stiffened, not hearing him say Willow are you OK as he was asking but hearing him say, beg for more Bitch, you know you want it. She looked up, her eyes wide as she shook. She saw concern in his eyes and felt so bad that she couldn't simply forget. She said quietly, "I'm not ready for this."

"Are you ok?" Buffy asked, standing as she watched Willow visibly shake. She frowned, wondering what the hell kind of flu the girl had had.

"Sick...gotta go..." Willow squeaked, turning and running, letting the doors shut behind her. She had to get away from his voice, from his face, from his smell. She left the school, running as fast as she could towards home. There, she could be alone and maybe she could forget for just a little while.

********************

Willow sat on the ground underneath the large tree in the school commons. She listened to the birds, wondering when they would be flying away. It was getting closer to winter and she knew they should be leaving soon. It had been a week since she had gone back to school. Nine days since she had lost her innocence to Giles, or Ripper as she preferred to think of him. That man had not been Giles and thinking of him that way would not help her when she was forced to face him. She watched a leaf blow in the wind, smiling softly as it danced along the fountain area. It was lunch time at the moment. She hadn't felt like eating and being around her friends was driving her crazy so she had snuck outside rather than pretend to be happy and normal around them. Hopefully, they wouldn't realize she was missing. Buffy would most likely assume she was in the library or the computer lab. Besides, since the entire Angel fiasco, the slayer was feeling guilty and avoiding them all.

She hadn't been back to the library since her first day back at school, on Monday. She had successfully avoided the slayer's headquarters, giving various excuses that had sounded viable. There had been no reason for Buffy or the others to doubt her, so she had succeeded. She hadn't been able to avoid Giles though. Those few times she had run into him had been awkward for her. She had smiled weakly and stared at the floor behind him rather than look into his face. She honestly didn't know what she would do if she were forced to face him in the library. She had thought if she simply willed the memories away that they would go. But, it didn't work that way.

Every night she tried to sleep, the memory of his smell and touch and voice assaulted her mind. She would wake up shaking, not being able to sleep again. She honestly didn't think she had slept for more than ten hours in almost as many days. The bruises were finally fading, but still evident enough. She still was forced to wear long sleeves to cover the marks on her arms and wrists but her neck was harder to detect the marks, so she had finally been able to stop using the turtle necks. And, after the fake watcher had attacked her, well, the bruises would be a bit easier to explain. She sighed, watching the leaf finally fall over the side of the fountain.

It hadn't been able to continue its balancing act, dancing on the edge like that. She almost felt like that leaf at the moment, just waiting until she fell over the edge. She pulled her knees up, balancing her chin on them as she found herself sinking deep into her mind. The noises from the laughing students faded as she became lost in memories of her life over the past years. She began to track the time everything had started going wrong, knowing it had been the arrival of Buffy. She didn't blame the slayer, knowing that she would be dead if the blonde hadn't arrived when she did their sophomore year. But, it had signaled the beginning of the end. She had lost her good friend immediately. Since then, she had also lost another good friend and now this. But, she was still breathing so it wasn't that bad, she guessed. It could always be worse.

Faith walked into the school yard, her mind elsewhere. She couldn't believe she had fallen for that bitch Post's act. She had almost gotten them all killed. She was surprised that Buffy hadn't refused to let her help anymore. She honestly didn't think she would blame the blonde. It was her that had endangered not only the slayer, but Willow and even Angel. Of course, she didn't really care that much about Fang. He could take care of himself. But, Willow couldn't. The redhead had been sick recently and still seemed weak. She didn't know what sort of virus it had been, but she was glad she hadn't caught it. She saw a flash of red as she started up the path to the school. Frowning, she turned and saw Willow. The girl was staring into space, a thoughtful look on her face.

Faith moved to stand against a tree, wondering why Willow was outside alone. She knew it must be lunch time, but Willow wasn't eating. She watched the girl, wondering what was bothering her lately. She would be the first to admit that she and Willow had never been friends, hardly talking in fact. But, she had been around enough to know something was up with the redhead. What, she didn't know. She honestly didn't even know if she wanted to know. Willow was Buffy's friend, not hers. She'd let the blonde figure out what was wrong with Red. It wasn't any of her concern. Probably just a phase, she decided. Nothing to worry about. Shrugging, she turned and headed towards the school, eager to earn some points with her watcher for believing that bitch's story. She left Willow alone, knowing the girl would talk if she wanted to. She headed to the library, not really in the mood to see Buffy or the others yet.

********************

"Are you doing well?"

Willow jumped when she heard the soft voice behind her. She looked at the dark haired vampire, her hand pressing against her chest where her heart was beating rapidly. "I didn't hear you."

Angel shifted, "Sorry."

She shrugged, "No problem. My mind was somewhere else."

Angel nodded, wondering if she knew how dangerous it was to sit outside in such a deep trance that someone could sneak up on her. She hadn't even glanced in his direction and he hadn't been quiet. He'd made sure that he had made some noise, not wanting to scare her. Instead, she had continued to just stare at the tree in front of her, deep in thought. "Want to talk?"

Willow laughed dryly, her eyes watching the swing as the slight wind blew it to and fro. She had escaped from Buffy and the others, telling them she had a test to study for and a paper to write thus preventing her from researching. Anything to avoid that library. Dealing with Giles in the hall ways or her computer classroom was draining enough, but facing him there was something she didn't even think she could fathom. "Not really."

"Oh" Angel said, wondering if Willow still hated him for everything he had done the previous year. Maybe that was why she was avoiding looking in his eyes.

Willow sighed, wishing he would just leave. She wanted to be alone, lost in her thoughts. Instead, she felt almost guilty that she was ignoring him. He must be feeling so awkward, having to deal with the consequences of his actions as Angelus. She couldn't add more to his burden. "You can sit."

Angel looked at the top of her head, noticing that she still hadn't looked at him. He sat down, frowning when she moved to the far end of the bench, seemingly not wanting to even accidentally brush against him. He found himself looking at the tree, wondering what was going through her mind. Buffy had mentioned that the redhead had been sick recently, some flu or another. She seemed healthy now, but distracted. He had to assume that part of it could have been her near death a few days before when the faux watcher had tried to kill them all. "How is everyone?"

She shrugged, not wanting to talk. "They're fine."

"I think they hate me" he confessed sighing softly.

"Xander does. Cordelia doesn't care. Buffy still loves you" Willow said, speaking more to Angel, she realized, in these few moments than she had spoken to anyone since her attack. She frowned, again wishing he would just leave in peace.

"Giles hates me" Angel said quietly, not noticing the stiffening in her shoulders. "And you? Do you hate me?"

She shook her head, "I could never hate you, Angel. It wasn't you anyway."

"Yes it was" he argued, watching a leaf fall from the tree. "I am Angelus."

Willow knew that Angel was no more Angelus than Giles had been Ripper that night almost two weeks ago. But, she didn't feel like talking or arguing with the stubborn vampire. "Yes you are. You accept what you did and acknowledge that it will not happen again. That's good enough for me."

"You're amazing" Angel said quietly, hearing the sincerity in her words. She had truly accepted his actions and forgiven him. He heard the tired drag in her voice, wondering if she was still ill.

"Not even close" she said quietly, wrapping her arms around her knees as she moved her feet to the bench. Her chin rested against them, in a position she was growing used to. Often at night she would find herself in this same pose when the nightmares again woke her up screaming. She was starting to catch sleep in her class room during her study break, knowing it would be empty and she would only have enough time to sleep for a little more than half an hour. That was the longest she could go before the voice would start whispering in her ear and the terror would begin again.

"I should go" he said standing and glancing at the quiet girl. She was again staring into space, at the swings it appeared this time, her eyes veiled and troubled. He smiled softly, "Will you be all right out here alone?"

"I can take care of myself" she said softly, not moving her eyes from the swing for fear that Angel could read the truth in them. "But thanks."

"If you're sure" he said, listening to her soft sigh. He moved away, glancing back at her one last time to see that she hadn't moved, the breeze blowing her shoulder length red hair slightly in front of her face. He saw that she ignored the wisps, content to continue watching the empty swing. Frowning slightly, he moved away, making a note to ask Buffy if Willow was still sick.

A brief flash of light illuminated blue eyes that were watching the scene carefully. The light was brought to a cigarette as it was lit. Spike continued to watch the redhead, bewitched by her face. It reminded him of his Princess, his Drusilla. The look of a little girl whose innocence had been taken away. He found himself intrigued by the girl his sire had spoken to, vaguely remembering her as a friend of the slayer's. He didn't remember her striking his interest before. Maybe he had been too infatuated with Drusilla, but he didn't think so. She had changed, matured. He took a deep drag from his Marlboro, his plans changing as soon as he saw the lost look on her pretty face. Love spell be damned. He was captivated by this girl and planned to find out more about her. He wanted to know what had caused that look on her face, so hauntingly reminiscent of his Princess. Whistling softly, he moved from the tree and headed into the darkness, his leather duster billowing behind him as he walked back to his car. It appeared he would be in Sunnydale longer than anticipated.

********************

"Wills, you coming?" Xander asked, moving to the door. He frowned, glancing at Buffy before looking back at the redhead. She had handed out their assignment then sat down, staring out the window for the remainder of class. She seemed to be fascinated lately with the trees outside and pretty much anything that wasn't around her in general. He knew she still couldn't possibly be sick. It had been almost fifteen days since she had missed school due to the flu. He was growing a bit more worried each day that she seemed to be pushing them farther and farther away.

Willow heard Xander's question, coming out of her daze and looking at him. She saw the concern in his dark eyes and forced a smile. "Actually, I have been thinking about it lately. I think I could get more out of the computers here than in the library. So, tell me what to research and I'll do it from here."

Buffy looked at Willow in surprise, sitting on the desk top as she swung her legs. "What does it matter which computer you use?"

"The one here is hooked into the mainframe thus enabling me to access things more quickly. It also gives me a far wider range of sites to research" she bluffed, trying to make it sound technical enough that Buffy wouldn't know the difference.

"Oh, cool" Buffy said, knowing they wouldn't get interrupted in this classroom so deciding that it sounded fine to her.

"Aren't they all part of the same networky thing?" Cordelia asked, wondering what it mattered where Willow did her computer research.

Willow glanced at Cordelia, trying to hide her surprise that the cheerleader had called her bluff. "This one has more power than the one in the library."

"Oh" Cordelia said, shrugging. "So, you work here. We get stuck with the smelly books. Yay us?"

"Nah, we can get what we need and then come here" Buffy said, smiling at her best friend. She saw Willow glance at her in surprise, her green eyes unreadable. "Faith and I can still spar at the library with Giles, but I don't want Willow to have to be here alone."

"It's ok" Willow said softly, wondering why nothing ever worked out as she planned. She did love her friends but lately she couldn't stand being around them. She just wanted to be left alone. "I get more done without any distractions."

"So we're distractions now, huh?" Buffy said, smiling.

"Of course" Willow replied, a smile greeting her friend.

"Well, come on. We'll find out what Giles needs and then you can lock yourself away in here all by your lonesome" Buffy said, standing.

"Actually, why don't you just ask him for the information and bring it back to me?" Willow asked. She saw the puzzled look in their eyes and sighed, "I'm feeling a bit tired today."

"Oh, sure then" Xander said. "We'll get the goods and bring them back."

"Actually, do we even have anything to research? I mean, things are pretty quiet." Buffy said.

"You can bring me a book to input into that database I'm creating." Willow said, hoping that there indeed wouldn't be any research. Her attention span lately was pretty awful and she didn't think that she would be all that much help.

"Cool. We're on it" Buffy said, smiling as they left and walked to the library.

Willow sighed, closing her eyes briefly as she rubbed her head. A headache was coming on, she could feel it. She stood, moving to the window. Her eyes found the fountain, watching the water as it bubbled into the bottom of the pool. She soon found herself wishing she was outside instead of in this room. Just being in the school, knowing she was so close to the library and to Giles, was getting harder and harder to accept. Every morning it was more difficult to get out of bed and come to school. She just wanted to stay under her covers and hide, not having to face her reality anymore.

********************

Rupert Giles stood in the doorway to the classroom, awkwardly holding the large book in his hands as he watched Willow stare out the window. She was sitting on the ledge, her profile to him. He sighed softly, wishing he could read minds. Something was bothering the girl, that much was obvious. He just had no idea what it was. And that lack of knowledge was killing him. She was like a daughter to him, just as the others were the children he had never had. But, Willow was even more special. She was so like him in so many ways. Not as he had been at her age, he was quick to clarify. But as he had grown to be. The intelligence and curiosity and even the strength in her eyes. She could very well have been his daughter, a fact that made her even more precious. He had such high aspirations for her, hoping that she would follow in his foot steps and become a watcher. He had already spoken to the council the year before and gained their interest in the idea. He had been trying to groom her since then.

But, these past two weeks, he had hardly seen her at all. She hadn't been in the library since she had nearly collapsed shortly after her illness. If he hadn't known better, he would think she was avoiding the place. But Willow loved the library. She had often told him it was the only place she truly felt safe. He could understand that. There was something about the smell of the books that could reassure you even on the worst days. He saw her sad smile and frowned, wondering what had happened to kill the sparkle in her eyes. Buffy seemed to be unconcerned but he knew Xander was a bit worried too. He moved into the classroom, not wanting to startle her. "Ahem...Willow?"

Willow felt her heart speed up at the all too familiar voice. She closed her eyes, saying softly, "Go away...please go away..."

Giles saw her lips moving but couldn't hear what she was saying. "Willow? Buffy asked me to bring you this."

Willow jumped, her eyes opening suddenly as she saw Giles standing in front of her looking almost lost amongst the computer terminals. It hadn't been her mind reproducing his voice this time. She should have known. Giles' voice was shaky and always somewhat baffled while Ripper's had been strong and confident. She looked at the floor, staring at his shoes not wanting to see his face. "Sorry. I didn't hear you."

"Are you all right, Willow?" he had to ask, looking in concern at the dark circles evident under her eyes. She was more pale than usual, bruising still visible along her throat from that horrible watcher woman. She had had a rough few weeks he realized. Having the flu for several days only to be attacked just as she was starting to get well. Poor thing. "I'm worried about you."

Willow grimaced, hating the concern she heard in his voice. Knowing she would see something similar in his eyes. Eyes that she could only envision now filled with hate and lust and anger and pleasure at hearing her scream. She wished she could simply move into his arms, accepting the comfort she knew he would offer. But, she couldn't do that. She knew it hadn't been him, not really, but it had been his face and his voice and his body. She couldn't forget that no matter how hard she tried. She almost wished that he knew about it so that she could cry and scream and let everything out that she was keeping inside. No, she could never let him know. None of them could know. Ever. She'd lose them all. She couldn't stand the idea of seeing disgust or pity in their eyes...seeing the guilt she knew would be in Giles' eyes. They'd blame her or blame Giles and nothing would ever be the same. She would not be the cause of so much trouble. Soon, maybe, the memories would fade. Then things could get back to normal. "I'm still breathing so I guess that I'm fine. I still feel a bit sick though. That flu really wiped me out."

"If you're sure." Giles said, setting the book on the desk. "Just remember, if you want to talk, I'm here for you."

"Thanks" she said weakly, feeling almost guilty for some weird reason. But, what could she say? Oh, sorry Giles but two weeks ago, while under the influence of some weird drugs, you violently raped me in the only place I really could feel safe and pretty much completely ruined my life. She could just see how well that would go over. No, it was better to just keep them all away until she could deal with it and forget. "I'll work on that database."

"Don't worry about it" he said, seeing the way she was slumping against the ledge and wall. "You look tired. Why don't you go home and get some sleep? Are your parents away?"

She laughed softly, "Always. They'll be back sometime in February I think."

"Damn" he cursed, hating all of his kid's parents. They were such good children, even Xander, yet their parents were non-existent. Of course, maybe that was why they had turned out so well. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to call. Now, run along and get better. If this flu continues to hang around, you may need to see a doctor."

"No doctors" she said quickly, "I'm sure I just need some sleep. Tell Buffy I'll talk to her tomorrow."

"I will" Giles said, picking the book back up, knowing that if he left it there was a good chance Willow would ignore his orders and start pecking away at the computer anyway. "Would like a lift home?"

"No" she said, stiffening slightly at the idea of being confined in such a small space with him. She ignored the fear and added, "I think the air might do me good."

Giles nodded, walking back towards the door, "Take care of yourself, Willow."

She smiled softly, her eyes looking up sadly as he closed the door. "I will. I always do."

********************

Willow felt herself walking towards the park, the air having just enough chill to make her head feel better. She really didn't like the idea of going home to an empty house, knowing she would end up just watching mindless television or working on research. She really wasn't in that sort of mood so it was the park. She was beginning to learn the area, knowing which parts of the park were populated enough even at night that she could sit without being disturbed. Angel had caught her on one of the few evenings that the area had been deserted. She didn't want him stumbling upon her alone again. She knew he worried. Hell, she might be dealing with everything alone but that didn't mean she was ready to become a vampire's late night snack. Not in this lifetime.

She found her bench, smiling slightly as she heard children laughing and playing on the swings. She sat down, her green eyes finding a loud group of them as she watched. She leaned back against the wooden bench, able to simply relax and forget everything that was going wrong in her life. It had been a week since that awkward first meeting with Giles again after the attack. He, of course, had no idea why she had been so strange but she was rather proud of herself. She had faced him twice since then and not heard his voice ordering her to spread her legs. Maybe she was finally dealing with it all. It was about time, in her opinion. It had taken her longer than she had ever imagined. She knew that it would never completely go away. She had watched Oprah enough to realize that. But, even if it could just be in the back of her mind only coming out once in awhile she'd be happier.

She laughed as one of the boys laughed, remembering when she, Jesse and Xander had played on that very swing not eight years before. She sighed, thinking of everything that had changed in such a short time. Jesse was dead, Xander was dating Cordelia of all people and she was, well, she didn't exactly know what she was anymore. She was still Willow, but a different Willow. More mature, that was sure. She had been forced to grow up and deal with things she had never imagined experiencing. Beginning with her good friend's death to vampires to Jenny's death to demons to her own rape by someone she trusted. She knew there was still so much she was going to go through so she really didn't want to focus on any of the past. She had finally dealt with everything that had gone prior and the rape would just be the latest. She was strong though. She'd survive and learn from it, if nothing else. She smiled softly, watching the children play.

Spike watched her, smiling slightly as she laughed at the boys playing on the jungle gym in front of her. It was the first time he had heard her laugh since he had started following her a little over a week before. He found that her laugh made her face come alive. Her eyes sparkled and he found himself captivated by her even more. She was truly radiant. Then, as quick as it had come, it fled. She sighed softly, he could see her chest move from the effort. He frowned, wondering again what could rob her of her happiness so quickly. Of course, he had some ideas. He had been watching for several days, studying her and thinking. She was so like his Princess at times that he couldn't help but wonder if something similar had taken her innocence. It worried him, he hated to admit. He rather liked the girl, finding pleasure in watching her do the most mundane tasks. It was almost embarrassing in a way. To be a master vampire practically obsessed with this little scrap of human. But, she had his interest.

He knew what he was going to do, too. It wasn't really what he wanted to do and if he was wrong about what made her so sad he'd never live it down. But, if he was right, well, he didn't want the same thing to happen to her that had happened to Drusilla. She was too special for that insanity he knew would over take her mind. A damn sap. That's what he was turning into, he thought in disgust. Hell, she needed to confront whatever was bothering her so that sparkle could always be in her eyes. If it took drastic action, so be it. If he could help her, well, he'd make sure no one else knew. He lit another cigarette, thankful that she seemed so fond of the outdoors. He hated trying to watch her through the windows of her house. She had these damn filmy curtains downstairs that just got in his way. He settled against the tree, knowing that she would stay until the children were called home. Then, she'd go home to sleep for less than an hour. He didn't know how she could survive with such little sleep, but to him it was another symptom of what he thought the problem was. He almost hoped he was wrong, not wanting to understand the anger that went through him at the idea of her being hurt. He sighed, wondering when he had turned into such a damn poof.

********************

Willow walked up the steps to her porch, turning to face the dark shape behind her. She smiled weakly, "We're here. Safe and sound."

"I see that" Angel said, wondering why she seemed so anxious to be alone. Of course, who was he to wonder? He loved being alone himself. It was the only time he could think and deal with his demons. Willow shouldn't so much time alone though. He had run into her at the park again, watching the children play in silence. She had been quiet, nodding as he had sat down and not saying anything. He could see the circles under her eyes, knowing somehow that she was still having trouble sleeping. She had only spoken to protest his escorting home, insisting that she could take care of herself. He hadn't listened, having nowhere else to be and wanting to make sure she made it to her front door.

Willow looked into his eyes, a bit surprised by the concern she saw in their dark brown depths. He was just trying to be a friend. Trying to make up for everything he had done when his soul had been lost. She sighed, smiling a true smile. "Thank you Angel. You can go now. I'm home."

"Take care of yourself" he said softly, his eyes taking in her face. "You look like you need some sleep."

"I will, Dad" she said, rolling her eyes and laughing softly. "Now, you'd better get home too."

He smiled slightly, "I will." He waited until she walked inside the house and he saw the light come on before he moved from her front yard. He walked back to the mansion, hoping that next time he saw her, she would be smiling and babbling and that sparkle would be back in her eyes. He hated seeing her so inside herself. She had always been so friendly and full of life. Lately, she had seemed so lost and independent. As if she just wanted to be left alone. She was acting a bit too much like him, he realized with a start. Cutting herself off from her friends, according to Buffy's latest chat with him. Sitting alone in the park and brooding practically.

He walked into the mansion concern in his eyes as he thought of the redhead he called his friend. He shut the door, fastening it as he headed towards the kitchen for his food. He stiffened suddenly, sniffing the air. Growling, he moved into his living room. He flipped the light on, glaring at the man seated on his sofa, scruffy boots marring the top of his table. "What are you doing here, Spike?"

"What? I can't pay my old man a visit without the third degree?" Spike asked, lighting his cigarette. He really really hated being there but he knew that his sire was friends with his redhead. The damn poof would have to help.

"Spike" Angel sighed, not in the mood to deal with his irritating but favorite childe.

Spike frowned, "I was in town and didn't have anywhere else to go?"

"Now that I believe" Angel said, groaning.

"So, where do I sleep?" Spike asked, hoping he didn't sound as eager as he thought. Damn it. He'd been in town for a week and hadn't whined to his sire until now. He hated this need for his sire's approval that he constantly carried with him.

Angel sighed, "You can have your old room. But, as long as you're living under this roof, no killing."

"But Daaad" Spike whined, mischief in his eyes as he saw Angel glare at him. "Fine. You take away all the fun."

"How long have you been back?" Angel asked, sitting down opposite his childe.

"A week or so" Spike shrugged.

"And you're just now getting lonely? For you, that's a record" Angel said dryly, knowing his childe's hatred of being alone. It was the main reason Spike had kept Dru around, rather dealing with her craziness than being by himself.

"Sod off, you prick" Spike said, glaring at his sire. "Hell must have done you good. See some spirit in you."

"Go to hell" Angel said, his lips twitching slightly.

"I was busy, if you must know" Spike said simply.

"With what?" Angel asked, sitting up. "Spike, I don't like that look in your eyes."

"I'm a bit obsessed" he said, making a face.

"With?"

"Actually, that's the reason I'm here." Spike said, scowling. "I'm worried about the chit."

"If she is involved with you, I'd worry about her too" Angel said.

"She's not involved with me, damn it" Spike said, growling. "She doesn't even know I've fallen...been watching her" he covered.

"Why are you worried?" Angel asked, frowning.

"This doesn't go beyond us?" Spike demanded.

"Spike, get on with it" Angel said.

"You know her" Spike said, watching his sire's eyes looked into his. "Red?"

"Willow?" Angel said, his tone disbelieving. "You're obsession is Willow?"

"Is that her name?" Spike smiled, thinking that it suited her. Pretty but strong.

Angel saw the look of devotion in his childe's eyes, shocked by the emotions that went along with it. He hadn't seen that look since watching the blonde with Drusilla. Damn, Spike was in love with Willow. Suddenly, he remembered Spike's words. "You're worried about Willow? Why?"

"I've been watching her." Spike spoke slowly, not sure if he wanted to voice his suspicions but knowing that Angel was close to her and could help when he couldn't.

"And?"

"You know, she's so beautiful. Seems almost fragile until you see the fire and strength in her eyes. Reminds me of Dru, in a way." Spike said, watching his sire's face. "I saw her when I first got into town, completely took my mind off of Dru. Can you imagine that?"

"No" he said quietly, wondering where Spike was going with this. "Continue."

"She's lost, Peaches" Spike said, looking into his sire's eyes. "If she doesn't find her way soon, I fear she may follow Dru's path."

"You're insane. Willow is not going to turn into Dru" Angel said sharply. "Why the hell would you think that?"

"You can be so bloody oblivious, you damn poof" Spike said, almost growling.

"Spit it out Spike. What has you so worried that you came to me?" Angel demanded, not liking the idea that Spike could see something that he or the others couldn't. He did love Willow, thinking her one of the truest friends he had and hated the idea she was in trouble.

Spike whispered, not even realizing he had lowered his voice as he spoke his suspicions, "I think she was raped."

********************

"What did you say?" Angel asked, his demon rushing forward.

"I think Willow was raped" Spike repeated, a bit louder. He felt hands around his neck as he was pulled from the sofa. He looked into yellow eyes, not surprised at his sire's reaction. "Not by me, you stupid idiot."

Angel let Spike down, watching him. "Why the hell would you think such a thing?"

"I was there during Dru, remember?" Spike said pointedly. "That look in her eyes after Angelus raped her and changed her? I've seen it in Red's eyes."

"No" Angel denied, shaking his head. He felt guilt spread over him as he remembered what he had done to Dru. "Willow can't have been raped."

"I hope I'm wrong" Spike said truthfully, but added, "But I don't think I am. I've been studying her for a week now. Damn it, haven't you noticed anything? You're her fucking friend."

"She's been sick" Angel said quietly, sitting down and frowning. "She had the flu a couple of weeks ago."

"The flu? I don't think so" Spike said crossly, scowling. "Hasn't Slutty even noticed? The poor chit is getting lost inside herself. Why haven't her damn friends done something?"

"Just shut up for now" Angel said, glaring at his childe. "Quit accusing. You have no idea what you're talking about. Willow would tell us."

"No, she wouldn't" Spike said, glaring right back.

"Yes she would!" Angel said, "I've known her for three years. She wouldn't keep something like that to herself."

"She's hurting" Spike said softly, hating having to show his sire this weakness. "I can see it in her eyes. She won't let anyone touch her, even the damn slayer. She always wears those long sleeve shirts and bulky sweaters, as if she's hiding from someone. She never laughs yet strikes me as someone that used to laugh a lot. I've only seen her smile a handful of times and never a smile that completely lights up her face. She's always alone. Doesn't even like having you around, which I can understand actually."

"Damn" Angel said, running his hand over his face as he realized that he had noticed everything Spike had pointed out. He had just believed her explanations that it had been the illness or he had assumed it was because of who he was and what he had done the previous year. Now, he hated to admit it, but he was beginning to fear that Spike was right. BUT, if she'd really been raped, why wouldn't she tell them? Why would she sink inside herself when she had such good friends? It just didn't make sense.

"You didn't deal with Dru, Angel" Spike said quietly, remembering that time. "She was the same way. Except, at the time, I didn't like her. I never tried to get her out of it all. She was nuts by the time I realized anything was really wrong."

"Willow is not going to turn into Dru!" Angel said sharply. "I won't let her."

Spike nodded, "That's why I came to you. She needs help and somehow I doubt she'd trust me."

"Actually, I doubt she'd trust me either. Not after everything I did" Angel said softly.

Spike shrugged, "I dunno. I just hate seeing her like that."

"You love her don't you?" Angel asked, knowing the answer.

"I don't even know her" Spike responded, not answering.

"I still think she would have told Buffy" Angel said, "if she had been raped. I can't see her keeping it a secret. There would be no reason to."

"She may have her reasons" Spike said, "but she needs someone to talk to. Keeping it inside like that will drive her insane."

"Drusilla was insane before Angelus raped her" Angel reminded softly.

"I know that. I just see that same lost look in Willow's eyes. I don't like it!" Spike snarled, moving to kick the table. "Makes me feel so fucking helpless not being able to go to her and hold her and find out what happened. I'd love nothing more than to kill whoever had caused her pain, but she'd probably even be more upset at that."

"Killing wouldn't solve anything, you're right" Angel said quietly, still amazed at the emotions his childe was displaying towards Willow. He found himself wondering if Spike could be right. Had Willow been raped? And, if so, why had she not told anyone? He sat back on the sofa, deciding that he would watch Willow and see if he could see what Spike saw. If he did, he'd try to get her to talk about it with him. Remembering the way she had brushed him off each time he had found her in the park, he realized that Spike was right. She did have something bothering her. He'd accepted her explanation, having no reason to doubt the truth of it. Now, he had to believe that she was lying, hiding something. She probably wouldn't talk to him. Hell, he'd try to get her to talk to Spike then. Maybe talking to someone she doesn't know would be more useful than speaking to a friend. If she was keeping it a secret and dealing with on her own, she must have her reasons. He wondered if he should interfere, but he remembered that dull look in her eyes that he had seen that evening and knew that interfering may be just what she needed. He felt guilty that he hadn't recognized the obvious signs that there was something far worse at play than a simple case of the flu.

********************

Angel entered the library, his dark eyes sweeping over the room easily. He saw everyone except for who he was looking for. He sighed, moving to sit down. How was he supposed to ask where she was without being obvious? If she was keeping secrets from her friends, he knew she must have her reasons. He was not going to force her to tell them anything she didn't want to. But, he had laid awake most of this afternoon thinking over Spike's words. It really annoyed him that his childe had seen what he had not. He had also made a decision concerning Spike's affections for the girl. He would do nothing about them. He had thought of forcing Spike to leave, not sure if the blonde would end up just causing trouble for Willow. After some careful consideration, though, he had decided that Spike might be exactly what Willow needed. There was true devotion in his childe's blue eyes when he spoke of the girl. That, Angel could understand. Willow was special, even if the others took her for granted.

Giles looked up when he heard Angel come in. He saw the vampire sit down, being quiet as always. He still couldn't think of the man without remembering Jenny's death, but he had forgiven Angel for what his unsouled version had done. The vampire had just been back a few weeks and Giles knew it would take longer before he was truly accepted again by any of them. It would be a tough path to choose, but Angel seemed determined to earn their forgiveness. He had saved them twice already, which helped his campaign quite a bit. Giles went back to his book, knowing there was nothing that needed research at the moment.

"Hello Angel" Buffy said softly, smiling at her former love.

"Buffy" he said, wanting to know where Willow was hiding this time.

"What's he doing here?" Xander asked, glaring at the dark haired vampire.

"Chill" Buffy said sharply. She looked back at Angel and smiled, "There isn't anything to research tonight. No big bads in town. We're working on an English Lit project."

"Nothing at all?" he asked, knowing if he returned without being able to tell Spike he had seen Willow and either believed his childe's theory or didn't, Spike would whine for the rest of the evening.

"You could help Red" Faith said, shrugging. "She's in the computer lab working on some demon database or something like that."

"Willow's working in the lab?" Angel frowned, "Why not here?"

"She said the network thingy is stronger there. She hasn't used this computer in weeks" Cordelia said as she painted her fingernails.

"Actually, I'd be happy if you went to keep her company." Buffy said, "She sends us away claiming we're distractions. Since you're stealth vamp, she probably wouldn't even realize you were there."

"Are you sure nothing else needs done here?" Angel asked, not wanting to appear too eager to go observe Willow. Already, he had heard several things that reinforced Spike's theory. She was pushing her friends away plus she was changing her surroundings.

"Go help Willow, Angel" Giles said, standing and finding a large book. "Take this to her. She mentioned in the hall way this afternoon that she would probably be finished with the book she was inputting sometime tonight."

"I'll do that" Angel said, taking the book. He looked at Buffy and smiled, glad that she had found someone to love that made her happy. She deserved that happiness. "I'll check back with you tomorrow to see if you need help."

"Thanks, Angel" Buffy said, thankful that they could still be friends despite their past. "Tell Willow to call me later."

"I will" Angel said as he walked out of the library, almost relieved to not have to sit with them all. He started down the hallway towards the computer lab and Willow. It was time to find some answers.

********************

Angel walked into the computer lab quietly. He saw Willow seated at the desk in the front, her headed laying on the top of it beside her computer. The sound of her even breathing told him she saw sleeping. He moved into the room, closing the door behind him. He walked to the front of the classroom and sat in one of the desks in front of her. He leaned back, his dark eyes watching her sleep. He used the chance to study her without her knowledge. He could see the dark circles under her eyes. She hadn't been sleeping. He sighed, wondering how he could have been so damn blind.

He put his elbows on the table, resting his forehead against his palms. He felt like he had let her down. He was supposed to be her friend. Why had it taken Spike to make him see what was right there all along? Sure, he knew that he had no definite proof that she had been raped, but it was just something he knew after looking at her. He had watched the sparkle leave her eyes over the past weeks, accepting her explanation that it was just the flu. Why would she lie? Why cover up something so traumatic? He knew she must have her reasons, but it didn't make sense to him. He trusted Willow though.

Angel sat in the desk, lost in his thoughts. He sat there for half an hour listening the soft whir of her computer and her soft breathing. He frowned when he heard her whimper. His eyes looked at the desk, seeing the beads of sweat forming on her forehead. Her mouth was frowning as she continued to whimper and moan. He heard her sharp intake of breath as she mumbled the word no over and over. He stood, worry in his eyes as he moved to her side. He scowled, not sure what he should do. She was obviously having a nightmare. Her whispered no echoed through his mind as his fingers clenched into his palm.

He saw her shoot up straight in the chair, pushing it back and hitting his leg. He grunted from the force of the impact, leaning forward and holding on to her chair. His fingers brushed against her back as she tried to wake up from the nightmare. She felt his touch and cried out, "No! Don't touch me! Leave me alone...God, leave me alone!"

She moved from the chair, still caught up in her mental replaying of that terrible night. She looked at Angel but saw Ripper. Her arms went around her chest as she scooted backwards on the floor, her eyes blindly staring at his feet. She couldn't look at his face, slowly coming into reality as she realized she was awake. She felt him crouch beside her, noticing the black trousers. She looked up, realizing that it was Angel looking at her, his dark eyes concerned as they took in her obvious fear. She saw his hand reach towards her and flinched, not wanting him to touch her. Not wanting anyone to touch her. "Angel?"

"Willow," he said softly, watching the realization enter her eyes. She knew that he knew.

"This...this isn't what you think," she whispered, not wanting him to know. Not wanting anyone to know.

"What do I think?" he asked, continuing to keep his voice soft and quiet.

"It was just a nightmare. A bad dream...that's all it was," she said, tightening her arms around herself. She looked at him, her eyes begging him to forget his suspicions and leave.

"Willow," he said, moving to sit opposite her. He smiled softly, knowing without a doubt that Spike had been right. She had been raped. She needed to talk to someone. She was not dealing with it well, that much was obvious. She would end up hurting more if she couldn't let it all out. She had always been there for him. Now, it was time for him to be there for her. He caught her eyes, saying the words he knew would scare her to death. "I know."

********************

"You know?" Willow whispered, many emotions rushing over her. From relief to denial to anger to fear. She lifted her chin, deciding that there was no way Angel could know. He must be talking about something else. "What exactly do you know?"

Angel had seen her eyes as she had paused for those mere moments. She was trying to side track the issue. He frowned, wondering how he was supposed to approach this. He and Willow had never been very close. He liked her and considered her a friend, but how was he supposed to convince her to share with him something she hadn't even told her best friend? He had never been in this situation before. What could he possibly do to help her? Maybe it would be best to just go along with her, act as if he were speaking of something else. He looked into her eyes, looking deeper than he had before, trying to get some idea which path to choose. He saw a flicker of something that made up his mind for him. He spoke quietly, not wanting to upset her anymore than she already was "You haven't been yourself for weeks, Willow."

Willow snorted, deciding that maybe being defensive would put him off his obvious task to make her confess something she didn't want to think about, "Like you'd know. Come on, Angel. We have never exactly been bosom buddies. And you just got back from Hell, for Pete's sake. Like you would know who I really was well enough to know if I was acting weird. I mean, until recently, we've never spoken more than ten words at a time to each other. I was...am...just Buffy's mousy little friend. You don't know anything about me, so drop it."

Angel looked away from her gaze, each of her words striking home. Everything she had said was true, but it was the complete truth. He frowned, wondering how much he would need to disclose to get her to trust him. He almost laughed. How could she ever trust him? He had tried to kill her. He had killed her favorite teacher. She would never trust him. Never be able to think of him as anything other than a monster that haunted her nightmares. He looked up, his eyes unreadable. He saw the way she was watching him, as if she expected him to bite her. She was scared, he realized. Not scared of him. He would be able to tell that. No, she was scared that he was going to keep pushing her until she had to face what had happened to her. He nodded at her, "You're right. We have never spent time together until recently. But, I do know you. I have watched you blossom from a shy little girl into a courageous, beautiful young woman over the past two years. Even when I lost my soul, I watched you. Trust me when I say that there are few things about you that I do not know. You are my friend, Willow. I know this person I've been speaking to over the past few days isn't you. Something happened." He paused, having admitted more than he had planned. He ran a hand through his hair, his eyes looking back at her face. "You helped me, so many times. Even if you were unaware of it. I just want to repay that favor."

Willow shook her head, "You can't help me, Angel. No one can help me. Just leave it."

"No," he said simply. He saw her look at him, her eyes widening slightly. "I won't leave it. I am not telling you what to do, Willow. I am under no impression that I could. I do not care if you tell anyone what is bothering you. You have your reasons for not telling Buffy and the others, I'm sure. I trust you. I just want you to trust me."

Willow swallowed, her eyes caught by his. He said he didn't care if she told the others. Was he lying to her? Could she really have someone to talk to about this nightmare and not fear anyone else finding out? Would it help to even talk about it? "Talking about it won't make it go away."

"No, it won't. Nothing will. It happened and there is no way to change it," Angel said, acknowledging the truth in her words. "But, talking might ease the pain. It might help rid your dreams of the memory. It might let you move on with your life, allowing you to put the past behind you."

"Mights are not wills," Willow pointed out, her arms tight across her chest as she continued to mentally debate what they were discussing. "It's already behind me and I didn't have to talk to anyone."

Angel laughed dryly, wondering who she was fooling except herself, "It's not behind you, Willow. When is the last night you were able to sleep without being plagued by nightmares?"

Willow looked at the floor, not answering his question.

"When is the last time someone was allowed to touch you without the memory of him getting in the way?" Angel asked quietly, wondering if he was helping or doing more damage. He honestly couldn't tell by her reaction.

"Please stop," Willow said softly. She blinked away tears as she looked into his concerned dark eyes. "It doesn't matter. This is not doing anything. You don't care. We aren't even close friends. You just feel guilty because you didn't realize something was wrong all along. This isn't about helping me. It's about making your soul feel clean."

"No," he said sharply. "It's about seeing you smile again, watching the natural enthusiasm you have for life make those green eyes sparkle, hearing you laugh..."

"I can't," she said, not knowing exactly what she couldn't do. Couldn't talk about it...couldn't remember...couldn't trust...so many things clouded her mind. "I'm sorry, Angel. So sorry..."

"Willow, please," he said, catching her eyes as he begged silently for her to share.

"No!" she said, standing and backing away from him. "Just leave me alone! I'm alive. Isn't that what is most important? I'm still breathing, just leave it."

"You are what is most important," he said, standing also. "This," he gestured at her, "isn't you. This is some scared little girl that thinks that ignoring what happened will make it go away and everything will be fine. Real life doesn't work that way, Willow. You have to acknowledge your demons before you get peace."

"Fuck you," she hissed, glaring at him, "I was doing fine. I AM doing fine. I don't need you and your soulful eyes. Your soft words that are supposed to make me trust you and confess all my secrets. I can handle this alone. Why interfere, Angel? It isn't any of your business. This is between me and myself. I would appreciate you forgetting about it. Just let me go."

"I can't let you go, Willow," he said quietly, never realizing until then just how true and close to his heart those words were. "You need to face what happened and deal with it. I won't force this, though. Just know, when you decide that keeping it all bottled up inside isn't doing anything except making it worse, know that I'll be here for you. I'll always be here for you."

"Please, just go," she said softly, turning away from him. She heard his soft sigh and knew he was irritated. She couldn't talk about it though. She was doing better. She didn't need anyone to help her. She heard the door shut quietly behind him as she slowly slid to her knees, tears silently falling down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms tighter around herself.

********************

Thank God for Friday was all Willow could say. It had been a tough week. Avoiding the library and Giles, trying to be happy and smiling around her friends so they didn't get suspicious, her confrontation with Angel two nights before. It had been horrible and she was glad it was a weekend. Two days that she could stay inside alone and not have to act as if nothing had happened. She could just be normal, acting however she really felt at the time. After realizing that Angel seemed to know she had been raped, she had begun to wonder how exactly he had determined it. The only thing she could think of was that he had been suspicious and tested her by trying to get her to admit to it. She hadn't admitted anything, though her words had agree with what he was thinking. She could always deny it, but knew that if confronted she'd have to tell the truth. Besides, Angel had said he didn't care if the others knew. He just wanted to help her.

Help her. She honestly didn't know how talking about it would help. It would only make him blame her or Giles, depending on his view. That wouldn't help things. If anything, it would make them worse. Of course, out of anyone, Angel should understand the differences between Giles and Ripper, having his own experience with his demon and souled parts. He might not be as rash to decide there was a bad guy in the entire fiasco. She had been truthful when she had told she was getting better. Sure, there were some problems still. Things couldn't be perfect in less than a month. Actually, eighteen days, she amended. She knew exactly what date and time her life had completely changed. It was probably a date that would haunt the remainder of her life. She knew it was pointless to believe that getting over the rape would also take away the memories. It was something she was going to have to live with forever.

She gathered her books up, noticing that Buffy had left her Government book under her desk. She smiled slightly at Buffy's forgetfulness, picking up her friend's book to take to the blonde. She walked to the slayer's locker, easily entering the combination and setting the government book on the pile of other books. A scrap of paper came out of it as she tossed it in the locker. She noticed her name written on the piece of paper and frowned. Looking around, she saw the halls empty. She chewed her bottom lip, wondering if she should peak. Recognizing Xander's handwriting, she decided what the hell. She set her bag down, removing the notebook paper and unfolding it the rest of the way.

She read Xander's words, asking Buffy if she knew what was wrong with Wills. Buffy's reply back that she had no idea but there was some secret their friend was keeping. She continued to read, noticing that Cordelia had even joined the written discussion. The writing continued onto the back as she read their various ideas as to what was bothering her. They believed she was mad at them for some reason. Xander seemed to think she was still mad about him being with Cordelia while Buffy thought Willow was blaming her for her friendship with Faith and keeping Angel's return a secret. Willow looked at the three colors of ink, her eyes blending the colors together as she struggled with the knowledge that her friends knew something was bothering her and believed it was their fault. They were blaming themselves because she was retreating into herself. She put the note back into Buffy's book, and shut the locker. Moving away, she realized that Angel was right.

She had honestly thought she was doing a good job of covering up her worries and fears. By avoiding her friends, she was protecting them from the knowledge of what had happened. But, in the end, she had just worried them into believing they were at fault. How did things get so screwed up? It had all worked in her head when she had thought about it. Why couldn't it work in reality like it did mentally? It was so unfair. Hadn't she been through enough? Did she have to know that she was causing such pain and hurt in her friends too? Anger overwhelmed her as she left the school. This was no one's fault. Why did everyone want to take responsibility for it? Of course, they had no what *it* really was.

No one knew what she was having to battle every single day. The voice, the feel of his hands on her, his snarling smile, the pain. How was she supposed to share that with any of them? They'd hate her for enticing him to her. Or they'd hate him for allowing his inner demon, so to speak, to take over. She couldn't tell them anything. She wouldn't tell them. Not the truth. That would be hers to keep a secret. She felt everything that had been happening the past two and a half weeks start to close in on her. She wasn't doing anything except prolonging the inevitable, she realized. It wasn't going to get better. She wished he had just killed her when he was done. Just tightened his hold on her throat and squeezed until the pain and memories were blackness. She began to run, scared at the direction her thoughts were taking.

Dying would mean he had won. She wouldn't allow that to happen, not matter how much easier it would be for them all. Her friends would move on with their lives, never knowing the true demons that haunted her. Giles would never have to know what he had done to her. She felt tears on her face as she ran, images assaulting her mind. Memories of that night mixed with memories of her friends mixed with memories of Angel as he had offered to listen mixed with the twisted images of her death mixed with a future that she couldn't see any longer.

She ran as fast as she could, knowing if she stopped they would catch up to her. She had to outrun the memories before they suffocated her. Ignoring them did not make them go away. It seemed to make them stronger, more controlling. She ran past people, her shoulder length hair falling in front of her face as she hastily pushed it aside. She could feel the tears on her face, wondering how she could possibly still have tears left to cry. She felt words nipping at her mind as she ran, finally knowing where she was going. She saw the house as something akin to hope shot through her. She ran up the sidewalk, stopping only when she reached the door. She knocked frantically, gasping for breath as sweat covered her slight frame. The door opened and she looked up into surprised dark eyes. She moved quickly, her arms going around a startled Angel's waist as she sobbed against his chest, "Help me. Please, help me."

********************

Angel kept his arms around Willow as he pulled her into the room. He glanced at Spike and saw a similar look of surprise in his childe's blue eyes. They had just been trying to figure out a way to help Willow, despite her refusal to accept their help, when they had heard the knock. Angel stood in the doorway, not wanting to move her. He just held her tight, closing his eyes briefly as he felt her tears soaking through his shirt.

Willow pulled her head away from Angel's chest, feeling rather foolish. She couldn't believe she had come to him, was crying like some silly child. She wiped her face, knowing she must look horrid with red eyes and tear streaked cheeks. "I'm sorry."

Angel frowned at her soft words. He saw her start to turn and knew she was going to run. He moved quickly, shutting the front door and facing her. "Come in, Willow."

"I shouldn't have come here," she said softly, wrapping her arms around herself. She had hugged him, she remembered blushing. She hadn't touched anyone since that night. Angel's embrace was far different than that of Ripper's. There had been no threat or fear, just safety. She sighed, "I didn't realize I was running here until I saw the front door."

"It's all right, Willow. I told you, I'm always here for you," Angel said softly, not wanting her to run.

"I'll fetch her some water," Spike said quietly, seeing that his redhead was exhausted from running who knew how far.

Willow heard the soft voice, the accent, and her eyes widened as she whirled around to face him. She relaxed when she saw that it was just Spike. Thank God. She knew the voice hadn't been the same, but the accent, it had just brought back memories. She suddenly frowned, saying, "What's he doing here? With you?"

"Spike came to town to visit," Angel said, glancing at his childe and almost smiling at the look of devotion in his blue eyes as he looked at Willow.

"I won't hurt you," Spike said softly, flinching slightly. His first meeting with his love and he was acting like some silly schoolboy.

Willow stared at him, searching his eyes. She nodded finally, "No, you won't. Did you mention water? I'm a bit parched. I ran here from the school."

"Willow! That's several miles," Angel scolded gently.

"I had to get away," Willow replied, looking at her friend. "You're not going to let me leave, are you?"

"I won't lock the door, but I would like it if you stayed to talk."

Willow sighed, "I know you wouldn't keep my against my will. I trust you, Angel. I just don't know what I should do right now. I'm so confused."

Spike came back into the room, handing her a glass, "It's water. If you'd like, I could make some tea. Maybe with a smidgeon of honey and lemon?"

Willow took the glass, smiling as much of a smile as she could under the circumstances, "This is fine, but thank you."

"I'm uh Spike, by the way," he said, shifting underneath her piercing gaze.

Willow laughed softly, "I know. I'm Willow. Thank you for the water."

"Would you like something to eat? I don't think Peaches has all that much, but there might be something," Spike said, feeling like some sort of fifties housewife. He mentally groaned at his weakness around her but he had made her laugh. That meant something. "You haven't been eating lately."

Willow's eyes widened as she looked at him, seeing genuine concern. She glanced at Angel and saw him watching Spike with a bemused look in his eyes. "I'm fine. I had lunch."

"Bet you didn't eat anything. Probably picked at your food," Spike said, watching her expression become weary. "Why don't you sit? You look tired."

"I'm fine," she said, not accustomed to so much attention. She looked at Angel, panic evident in her eyes, "Is he always so overwhelming?"

Angel laughed as he shook his head, "No. Usually he's a real prick. Guess you bring out the best in him."

Spike rolled his eyes, moving to sit in the chair beside the sofa. "Like he's a real prince of some sort."

"Better than you," Angel said smoothly, following Willow into the room and watching carefully as she sat on the sofa. He looked at her, his argument with Spike forgotten as he saw the expression in her eyes. "Willow, we're here. Talk."

"Spike?" she said, glancing at the blonde.

Angel knew what she meant. He sighed, "Spike is the one that saw that something was wrong. He told me what had happened. He cares for you."

"Oh," she said, glancing at Spike and seeing the sincerity in his eyes. "Ok. I have been trying to deal with this alone for weeks. Maybe talking will help."

"Up to you, pet," Spike said. "Take your time."

Willow looked at the floor, deciding to just jump in and get this over with, "Well, I'm assuming you both know, but I feel like I need to say it, just to make myself face the truth." She glanced up, taking a deep breath and said, "Eighteen days ago, I was raped."

********************

Willow heard her voice speaking the words out loud for the first time since it happened. She couldn't describe the feelings that were going through as she finished her declaration. A strange mixture of fear, relief and worry all rolled into one huge lump that rested in her stomach. She repeated her words, her voice stronger. "I was raped."

Angel glanced at Spike and saw his childe watching her carefully. The blonde's hands were digging into the arm of the chair he was seated in, the repressed anger evident. He looked back at Willow, "Yes, you were."

Willow looked slightly taken aback. She frowned at his words before she smiled softly. "Thank you."

"For what?" he asked, clearly puzzled.

Willow shrugged, "For not apologizing. I mean, it seems most times something bad happens to someone, the people they tell always so I'm sorry. Like it was their fault or something. I don't know. Just, thanks for not apologizing for it. And for not blaming me or asking questions."

"It happened," Spike said softly, pushing his demon down as he saw her glance at him. "Nothing is going to change that, especially not apologies or accusations."

"Right," Willow agreed quietly, caught by the real look of concern in his eyes. She didn't even know him, yet he seemed worried for her.

"I won't force you to talk about it, Willow," Angel said. "But, we're here if you need to talk."

"It felt good," Willow said, smiling slightly as she looked back at him. "You know, to actually say it. I mean, it happened, like Spike said. Ignoring it sure isn't helping. I thought that if I forgot about it, things would go back to normal."

"They never go back to normal," Spike said, thinking of Drusilla.

"I realize that now," Willow said softly. "Maybe I needed to admit it verbally before I could heal. Who knows? I do know that I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders."

"That's because you're sharing it with us now, luv," Spike said, resisting the urge to either pull her into his arms or find out who had done it to her and rip his throat out.

"Guess so," Willow said. She glanced back at Angel, "No one knows. I mean, I don't think you'd tell Buffy or the others and I don't want you to think that I don't trust you..."

"I don't plan on telling anyone," Angel assured her, "I'm here for you and you alone."

"Thanks," she said, looking at the floor. "It gets so hard sometimes. You know, the act? Pretending that nothing has changed while my entire life has completely been turned upside down."

"Why not tell them?" Angel asked, having to express his curiosity.

"No," Willow said sharply. She glanced up, "They don't need to know."

"Do you think you can keep it from them?" Spike asked, having watched her friends around her. He might not like the little brats, but they cared about Willow. That was very obvious.

Willow looked at him, her eyes becoming thoughtful, "They'll find out when and if they need to know. Right now, it's too fresh. I can't deal with it."

"It's your life, Willow. If you don't want them to know for some reason, they won't know." Angel said quietly, still wondering why she was keeping her best friends in the dark yet she felt comfortable enough around him and, hell, Spike of all people to discuss it truthfully.

"I have my reasons," she said quietly. "Don't push me, Angel."

"No pushing," he said, not wanting to scare her when it seemed she was willingly to talk to them. She already seemed more relaxed. He frowned, rethinking that. No, she wasn't really relaxed exactly. She seemed less on edge but her body was still tense as if she might bolt at any time. Her eyes were still clouded with several emotions that he couldn't even distinguish.

Willow smiled softly, "Good. I don't plan on discussing the details. It happened and is over and only exists in my memory now. I want to just put it behind me and move on with my life."

"Who was it, pet?" Spike asked quietly. He wanted a name so he'd know who to torture and kill.

Willow glanced at him, her eyes narrowing slightly. She shook her head, looking back at Angel. "No. It was someone neither of you have met before. He isn't around any longer so it isn't important."

"It's ok, Willow," Angel said, glaring at Spike who he knew just wanted a name so the man would die a well deserved and painful death. But, it wasn't worth risking Willow for it. He agreed that the man deserved to die, but it wouldn't help Willow. Right now, she was their main concern. He was not going to lose her. "You look hungry. Would you like some food?"

"I'm fine," she said quietly, looking between them both. She stood, saying, "I should go home. I don't want to intrude."

"Intrude?" Spike said, trying to smooth things over with her after his stupid question. "You're not intruding, pet. If you leave, all I'd have left to talk to would be Peaches here and I've already heard his silly stories before."

"So you see, staying would probably prevent me from staking the bleached blonde moron," Angel added smoothly, trying to make it sound as if she would be doing them the favor by staying.

"OK. Just to save Spike's undead life," Willow finally said, after thinking about it for a few moments. "I'll stay. But, no questions."

"Our lips our sealed," Spike said, his eyes caressing her face. "You look as if you could use a nice quiet night among friends."

Willow looked at him, a small smile crossing her lips. "Is that what we are? Friends?"

"Aye, that's a good enough place to start," Spike said, watching her carefully.

She nodded, "Friends. I like the sound of that."

"I'll make you some soup," Angel volunteered softly.

"I'm fine, Angel. I ate lunch," Willow said, rolling her eyes.

"That was hours ago. You need to eat to continue being the strong Willow we know and love," Angel said, ignoring her words and walking towards the kitchen.

"Is he always so stubborn?" she asked Spike, smiling reluctantly when she heard noises in the kitchen.

"Stubborn? You could call him that," Spike said, grinning as he got to his feet. "I have some other choice names, myself. Would you like to hear them?"

Before Willow could answer, they heard Angel saying, "Don't listen to a single word he says, Willow. He's just jealous that he can't be as charming and handsome as I am."

"Bastard," Spike said under his breath as his eyes lit with amusement. He looked at Willow and saw something in her eyes that took his breath away, if he had had breath that was. They were filled with laughter, something he hadn't seen in them for the past weeks he had been watching her. "Shall we?"

Willow smiled, thankful that he made no effort to touch her, even trying to take her arm or hand. She moved past him, feeling him behind her as they walked into the kitchen. She sat at the table, watching as Spike prepared blood for him and Angel as Angel cooked her soup. She rested her chin on her hands, closing her eyes as she listened to the comforting sounds of their good natured arguing. And, for the first time in eighteen days, she didn't see Ripper's face.

********************

Willow followed Buffy as they walked through the school towards the commons. She hurried to catch up to her friend, breathing in the crisp December air. She saw Buffy heading towards a large tree that sat off by itself. Willow sat down under the tree as Buffy did the same. She glanced at the blonde and then looked at the dirt. "So."

Buffy looked at Willow, a small frown on her face. "So."

Willow sighed, looking up at her friend. "You wanted to talk?"

"Yes. You know, that's where two best friends share their thoughts and troubles and concerns," Buffy said.

"I know," Willow said softly.

"Well, I was beginning to wonder since we've hardly done it the past month or so." Buffy looked at the street, watching the cars drive by. "What's wrong, Willow?"

"Nothing is wrong," Willow said quietly. "I'm actually feeling really good."

Buffy glanced at her friend, noticing the smile on her face. "Something is wrong, Wills. You haven't been yourself for the past five weeks or so. Not since Angel came back. Do you hate me?"

"God, no!" Willow said, shaking her head. "You're my best friend, Buffy. This was never about you. I've just been dealing with some things."

"With Angel's help," Buffy said softly. She saw Willow's eyes widen slightly and she smiled, "I've seen you with him and the bleached wonder. The last week or so, you seem different. That's why I decided it must be me."

"It's not you," Willow said, again running her fingers through the dirt. "Angel and Spike have helped me. It's really hard to explain."

"You could try," Buffy said softly. "You worry me, Wills. You've changed. I mean, you never come to the library anymore. Xander and Cordelia are convinced you hate them even though you still talk to them in class. What's wrong? And why can Spike and Angel know, but I can't?"

Willow looked at her friend, sighing softly. Buffy had lasted longer than she had figured. She had known for two weeks that her friends believed they were what was bothering her. After reading their note, and talking with Spike and Angel, Willow had done everything she could possibly do to make things better between them. But, there was so much standing in the way. Things that they didn't know. She had known that one day she would have to tell them a basic version of what had happened to her. She only hoped that she didn't lose them when they found out she had kept it a secret. She had no intention of ever telling anyone that it was Ripper who raped her. To her, it wasn't important. His face didn't matter to them. They could think of him as some man passing through that was no longer around. Because, Ripper was definitely not around anymore. She was able to think of Giles without becoming completely terrified, though she still tried to avoid him.

The past two weeks, she had spent every evening with her vampires. She smiled slightly as she thought of them. Two such different creatures had never been born, but they were both her salvation. There had been no pleas for details or blame in their eyes. They accepted that she had been raped and were now doing everything they could to help her move on with her life. She had laughed out loud for the first time not three days before. Not a soft little laugh, but a real laugh. She had seen the smiles cross her vampires' faces and knew they were happier to hear that laugh than anything else in a long time. Because of them, their attention and general habit of listening to her had helped her so very much. She still had nightmares and would still hear Ripper's voice at times. Sometimes Spike would say something that would trigger a memory but luckily his voice sounded nothing like Ripper's. She still hadn't let anyone touch her except for that hug when she had first arrived at Angel's that Friday night two and a half weeks before. She had not been back to the library since the first day she had gone back to school after the attack. She missed it in some ways, but her computer lab was becoming her home away from school. It was merely transferring her feelings of safety and security to that room and ignoring the library completely. Other than those few things, she was improving daily. She knew eventually that even those things would probably fade with time. She doubted though that she ever went inside the library again. Just the thought of that place was worse than seeing Giles' face.

"Willow? You still there?" Buffy asked, her concern evident in her eyes.

"Sorry...I drifted off," Willow said, smiling softly.

"It's ok. Will you talk to me? I am so worried right now that I'm going to lose you and it scares me to death," Buffy confessed.

"You won't lose me, Buffy," Willow said. She leaned her head back against the tree and spoke slowly, "I am about to tell you something that may change how you think about me."

"That you're in love with Spike and Angel?" Buffy asked, frowning slightly.

"What?" Willow exclaimed, "Good God, no. They're just friends. They helped me when I was pushing everyone else away. Love? No..."

"Oh," Buffy said, seeing the thoughtful look enter Willow's eyes. She had to confess that she had been very surprised when Angel had gone on patrol with her three weeks ago and told her that Spike was in town, staying with him. She had had to resist the urge to stake the blonde, having Angel's promise that Spike would behave. When she had seen Willow with them in the park the other night, well, she had honestly seen the look of love in Angel's eyes and thought the others had the same look. Maybe she had been wrong. Or, maybe, Willow just didn't see it. "I could never think badly of you, Willow. I mean, I was willing to accept that you loved both of them, so what ever you want to tell me can't be worse than that."

"A little over five weeks ago," Willow said softly, looking at Buffy. "I was raped."

"What?" Buffy said, a sick feeling washing over her.

"It was someone you don't know and he's gone now, but it happened. I felt like it could have been my fault and I didn't want anyone to know," Willow broke off, seeing the completely blank look on Buffy's face. "I was scared of what y'all would say...what you would think about me. I tried to ignore it, but it wouldn't go away."

Buffy shook her head slightly, looking into Willow's eyes and seeing the pain and worry in them. She couldn't believe she hadn't seen the signs, or had she and she just didn't realize it? Why hadn't Willow told her? She didn't know what to say. Nothing could make this better or take it away. Her best friend had been raped. She closed her eyes briefly, trying to come to terms with this news. She had definitely not expected this. She sighed, opening her eyes as a tear ran down her cheek. She looked at her best friend, saying the only thing she knew to say, "I love you, Willow."

********************

"So, you told the slayer and the pups?"

Willow nodded, "Yes. I thought it was time they knew."

"How did they take it?" Angel asked quietly.

"Buffy just cried, Xander was shocked, Cordelia wouldn't look at me and Faith seemed to accept it as if she might have known," Willow said softly.

"And Giles?" Angel asked, watching Willow flinch slightly.

"He was worried about me. You know him, surrogate father to all of us," Willow said quietly.

"Are you ok?" Spike asked.

"Yes. You know, you can stop asking me that," she said, rather sharply. She sighed, noticing the hurt look in his eyes. "Sorry. I'm being a bitch. This isn't your fault. I just wanted to avoid telling them for a bit longer."

"Not a problem, luv," Spike said, looking away from her.

"Spike, please," she said softly.

"Quit being so childish," Angel told his childe.

"Childish? Me?" Spike shot at his sire. "Who was it that came to you telling you she'd been raped? You never noticed. None of you did. I was the one that was worried about her. Do you think this is easy having to share her with you? I wanted to be the one that took away the pain but you had to butt in, as always. Forget this. I'm through with caring."

Willow watched him stand, his anger evident as he glared at Angel. She looked towards Angel and saw the guilt in his eyes. "Angel?"

Angel looked at her and nodded, "Spike is the one that came to me. He'd been watching you for a week and saw what none of us could see. He pushed me into talking to you because he was worried you were retreating inside yourself."

"I was," Willow said quietly. She knew now that she probably would have gone crazy if she had continued trying to deal with it all on her own. She saw Spike standing by the door, watching as he opened it to leave. "Spike, please don't."

"Why? You don't need me here caring about you. You've made that perfectly clear, Red. I can take a hint," he said, looking at her face one last time.

"Spike, sit down and quit pouting," Willow said sharply. "I am just now finally getting to a place where I can be almost happy and I am not about to let you ruin it because I was snippy with you! Now, get back in here!"

"You were mean, not just snippy," he said, his lips twitching slightly.

"Fine," she groaned, "I was mean. I lashed out at you when I was really mad at myself for hurting my friends all these weeks."

"You were hurt, pet," he reminded softly, closing the door.

"I know, but I saw it in their eyes. They think that I don't trust them anymore," she said softly. "Xander asked why you were both special...what you could both know while I lied to him and told him that I was sick. And Cordy...well, I could tell she was upset that it happened over a month ago and they were just now hearing."

"I doubt they were mad at you, Willow," Angel said quietly. "I'm sure this was shocking for them."

"They weren't mad," Willow said, moving to sit down as she sighed, "I could understand anger. I was thinking about it on the walk over here and I realized that I would be angry if my best friend had something like that happen and I didn't find out for weeks. But, it wasn't anger. It was just, silence. Thick silence as if they didn't know what to say or do."

"They probably didn't," Spike said.

Willow made a slight face, "I doubt they did. This was probably a bit of a surprise for them all."

"I'm sure they'll be fine when they have time to deal with it...to think it over," Spike said, wanting to see her smile again.

Willow looked up at him, asking, "You'll stay?"

Spike nodded, adding, "But you can't get mad at me for caring about you."

"I'll try not to," Willow said, smiling softly at him. She glanced at Angel, "Do you really think they are going to be ok with this?"

"Yes," he said honestly. "I just think they are reeling from finding out the truth. Give them time, Willow. You've had several weeks."

Willow nodded, "Yeah, you're right. Time. A lot can happen over time."

"So, luv, what would you like to do tonight?" Spike asked.

Willow smiled, "I was thinking that we could just stay in and enjoy each other's company."

"You just don't want to run into of them," Spike said, winking at her.

"No. I just want to stay in and enjoy being with you both," Willow shot back with her own wink. She laughed softly, "So, Peaches. What movies do we watch tonight?"

********************

Willow looked up when the door to the computer lab opened. She saw Xander and Cordelia and stiffened, not sure what to expect from them. It had been four days since she had told her friends about her rape. Buffy was constantly hanging around, seemingly wanting to make up for not realizing sooner that she was in pain. Faith was acting about the same, giving her room but not treating her any differently. Giles had started to pop in to check on her each day, which was really tough. She was slowly starting to move past the fear his face brought to mind, but she still felt tense being around him. Xander and Cordelia had both avoided her since her confession. She felt no anger or disgust in their avoidance. She knew they were both dealing in their own way.

"Hiya Wills," Xander said, looking at his old friend as he sat on the top of one of the tables.

"Xander, Cordy," Willow said softly.

"Willow," Cordelia nodded, her dark eyes catching Willow's green ones. "I really don't know what to tell you except that I was really surprised by what you told us. I mean, one of our group was hurt. It just reminded me how helpless we really are."

"She doesn't mean that as selfish as it sounds," Xander said, smiling sheepishly.

"Yes, she did," Willow said, laughing softly.

"Oh, you two!" Cordelia groaned. "I meant that I consider you a good friend, even if I don't always act like that. Knowing that someone had done something like that to you...had hurt you like that...well, it was unbelievable. You're the light in our group and I couldn't believe that someone had almost destroyed you. I also couldn't believe that you didn't tell us!"

"Yeah, Wills. Why? I mean, you were dealing with all that alone. I've seen some of those movies on CBS on Sunday nights. I would have been there for you." Xander said, frowning.

"It was too much," Willow said softly. "I just wanted to forget it. It was not something that I wanted to dwell on really. I just wanted it to be over."

"And they say you're the smart one," Cordelia said, rolling her eyes. "Not very mentally healthy there, Willow."

"I don't need a lecture," Willow said, rolling her eyes.

"I'm sorry. It's just...I don't really know how to act, what is expected of me," Cordelia said softly.

"Nothing is expected of you," Willow said. "This is my problem. I'm dealing with it. I just thought you should know in case I act weird or something."

"At least this explains why you've been pushing us away," Xander said, wishing he could do something that would take away the experience Willow had been forced to endear. But, he knew that there wasn't anything he could do to make it all better. His friend had suffered through something he had only heard about happening to other people. He had never expected something so normal, in a way, to bring down one of his friends. Demons and such, that was what he had always thought would bring them down. "You should have trusted us, but I understand that you were dealing with it all."

"I do trust you," Willow said softly. "It just didn't seem right. I mean, I didn't talk to anyone about it for weeks. Angel confronted me and I ignored his offer to listen. It took the realization that you guys were blaming yourselves for my mood to convince me that I was not handling it well alone."

"Angel and Spike...they helped you?" Xander asked, hating both of the vampires on principle but thankful that they had been there for his friend.

"More than you can guess," Willow said honestly. "I don't know where I might have ended up if he hadn't forced me to realize that I was not doing well on my own."

"I guess I owe them, then, for making you face it all," Xander said grudgingly.

"It isn't over," Willow said quietly, having to make sure they understood. "I've got so much to deal with still. I mean, I still have nightmares. I can't touch anyone. I have these lapses where I just sort of drift off."

"It will take time," Cordelia said. "But, you have us. We'll always be here for you, Willow."

"Yeah, Cor is right. I mean, I know this isn't one of those movies of the week. All won't be healed and happy by the end of two hours. That isn't real life. Of course, who would imagine that in real life you were being helped by two vampires. Hell, this is our real life. We have each other and as a group, we can help you even if you do zone off."

"Hey, Xander zones off all the time and we still love him," Cordelia said, laughing as her boyfriend glared at her. "What? It's true."

"She's right," Willow said, laughing.

"Oh, great. Now I have both of you picking on me," Xander said, laughing. He looked at Willow, "Seriously, Wills. We're here for you. I mean, whatever you need. We love you."

"And I love you," Willow said softly. "Now, get out! I'm trying to finish my paper before I go home."

"Home alone on Friday night?" Cordelia asked.

"No. I'm meeting Angel and Spike," Willow said, smiling. "That's what I said. I want to get this done before I meet them."

"Nope. You said you wanted to get the paper done before you went home," Xander said, smiling slightly. "I get it. Home is where your vampires are."

Willow frowned as she realized that was exactly what she said, "Oh, just go. And guys, thanks."

"If you need anything, to talk or cry or just sit, well, you have my number," Cordelia said, smiling softly at the redhead.

"Me too, Will. You know where I'm at," Xander said, "Thanks for telling us the truth. I'm still worried, but near as badly."

"You guys have fun," Willow said, smiling at them. Luckily, there was only one more week before Christmas vacation. She couldn't wait to get away from the school for two weeks. She watched her friends leave, a happy feeling washing over her as she realized they had not once asked who had raped her. It didn't seem as important to them as her being OK. She smiled, looking back at her paper as she continued writing.

********************

Willow looked at Angel and smiled, "Are you sure don't mind having the Christmas party here?"

"Willow, I made the offer," Angel said patiently.

Spike snorted, "Just what we need. A bunch of humans running around, spoiling the holiday."

"They won't spoil anything," Willow said, smiling at him. It was only four days until Christmas. Her rape had happened seven weeks ago, approximately. She was no longer trying to remember the day. She knew she wouldn't be able to move past if she constantly dwelled on the details. She had been out of school almost a week, having practically moved into one of the spare rooms at the mansion. She felt safe with Spike and Angel. She liked being with them. They had even allowed her friends to come over and visit, though she knew Spike would rather them not visit. Luckily, it was Angel's house and he didn't mind them coming over. As long as they didn't hurt her, he could tolerate them.

"Whatever," Spike grumbled, his eyes on Willow's face. She was so beautiful. He had watched her closely over the past month, comparing the differences between then and now. He knew he had made the right decision in coming to Angel. He shuddered to think where she might be if they hadn't interfered. Probably wandering around talking to the stars like Drusilla. He felt a smile crossing his lips as he heard her laugh.

"Now, Spike. You had better behave tomorrow night," Willow said with a smile.

"When does he ever behave?" Angel asked dryly. He heard Willow laugh again and found his eyes riveted to her face. He was in love with her. He had come to that realization sometime during the past month. It had almost snuck up on him, catching him unaware as he was laying in bed one night. It seemed that over the past two weeks, her friends had forgotten that they had never not known about the rape, doing their best to give Willow the room she needed without completely leaving her on her own. Angel was rather proud of how maturely they had handled the situation. Even Xander was being very adult.

"I heard that, Peaches," Spike said, winking at his sire. "I can behave, sometimes. With the right incentive."

"How about, if you don't, I'll have Angel kick your ass?" Willow asked sweetly.

"But, luv," Spike whined. "What fun is it if I can't misbehave around the dolts?"

"You won't get your Christmas present if you're in trouble," Willow taunted.

Spike sat up straighter, his eyes looking eager, "I got a present?"

"Of course you got a present. After all, I owe my sanity to you," Willow said softly.

"I won't press the merits of that statement," Angel said, laughing softly as Willow glared at him. She still had a ways to go before she would be healed, if she ever truly would be, but she was slowly becoming more like her old self.

"I can keep yours, too," Willow said, watching him suddenly look apologetic.

"I'm sorry, Willow. You know I think you're the sanest person that I know," Angel said, winking at Spike.

"He does not. He just wants his prezzies," Spike said, grinning at the redhead.

"I know that," Willow said with a smile. She stood, yawning. "God, I'm tired."

"Still having nightmares, pet?" Spike asked.

"Not so often. I can sleep for three hours or so now," Willow said, shrugging. "It's getting better. It's just taking some time."

"You still have a long road ahead of you," Angel commented.

"I know. Helps having people I love to help," Willow said, smiling. "Buffy and the gang are reacting better than I thought they would. I don't know. Two months ago I was pretty much living day to day. Now, I feel alive again."

"So, the entire little gang of brats will be here?" Spike asked.

"Yes. Buffy, Xander, Cordelia and Faith," Willow said.

"What about Giles?" Angel asked, noticing again the tension that entered Willow. He glanced at Spike to see if his childe had picked it up too. Spike had. He closed his eyes briefly, his suspicions confirmed at her reaction to the watcher's name. He understood so much more when he realized that the evening of her rape had been the evening Buffy had told him about with the drugged candy. It also explained why she had been so adamant in her refusal to discuss her attacker and keep the rape a secret. He saw Spike's jaw tense and wondered if he should have shared his thoughts that Ripper might have been her rapist with the blonde.

"He's busy," Willow said, relief evident in her voice. "He might drop by but he won't be able to stay long."

"Good," Spike said, almost hissing the word. He schooled his features as he looked at her, keeping his knowledge to himself. Tonight, he was going to find some demon to beat. He had a lot of pent up aggression to rid himself of. For Willow, he wouldn't torture and kill the watcher. Unless he saw some threat from the older man. His poor Willow had been through too much as it was. He wouldn't add the watcher's death to her list of things to deal with. "We can have more fun without the old man."

Angel smiled as he saw that Spike was reluctantly going to not kill the watcher for raping Willow. He could feel sorry for the watcher, having to deal with the demon inside. He pushed the thoughts of Giles out of his mind as he watched Willow. "What time will they be here?"

"Dusk," Willow said, smiling as she forgot about Giles. That was one thing she still hadn't gotten over. She could understand that it wasn't him that had raped her, but he still had the same face. This had hurt their relationship more than anything and she knew it would never be the same again. She could stand being around him for short times, more if he didn't speak and she didn't look at him. Maybe with time, it would become easier. She had no idea and knew it was pointless to dwell on the future.

"Oh, damn. Do we need to get them all some silly gifts?" Spike asked suddenly, groaning at the idea of buying the slayer something.

"No. I already bought them gifts from all of us," Willow said.

"Us?" Spike said, smiling slightly.

"Yes, us," Willow said, looking at them both. "That is, if you both want there to be an us."

"Are you sure, Willow?" Angel asked softly, not wanting her to know how happy her words were making him.

"I can't make any promises," Willow said. "I mean, the idea of someone kissing me scares me to death. And I still have so much I have to get past, but I love you both. I can't ignore my feelings even if they scare me."

"There's more to love than the physical side, pet," Spike said, knowing that his words were true. "I mean, I'd love to hold you and kiss you, but if you're not ready, well, I'm a patient man."

Angel laughed, "Since when? You are the most impatient person I've ever met."

"Angel, be nice," Willow said, smiling at Spike's glare. "Not everyone can be as OLD and mature as you."

"Ouch, and Red hits the target," Spike said, laughing. "That's my girl."

"I see how it's going to be," Angel said, smiling slightly. "You two ganging up on me all the time."

"You could only be so lucky," Spike said, standing. "You know, pet. I didn't think you were giving me my present until tomorrow."

"I haven't given it to you yet," Willow said, smiling.

"Yes, you have," he said simply. "Best gift I could ever have. You."

"Aw, you're going to make me blush," Willow said, glancing at the floor.

"Quit pestering her. She might decide that she doesn't need you in our little triangle," Angel suddenly perked up, "Never mind. Keep talking."

"Boys, both of you hush. We have presents to wrap," Willow said, moving to sit beside the large Christmas tree that they had bought for her. She saw them sit down and picked up a box each. She watched Spike try to wrap his box and laughed. She moved closer to him, taking a deep breath as she laid her hand on his. She saw him look at her in surprise and she smiled, saying, "You have to do it this way."

Angel watched Willow show Spike how to wrap the box, watching as the tension that had entered her slowly started to fade and she relaxed. She still had a long road ahead of her, but now, well, she had him and Spike. They'd see her through it all. As she said, she was still breathing so it could be a lot worse. He smiled, watching her laugh at one of Spike's dirty jokes, her eyes shining. She had moved away from Spike, having barely touched his hands. But, for Willow, that small step meant a lot. He settled against the couch, wrapping the gift she had bought for Xander, thankful that Spike had come to him back two months ago. He hated to think what his life might be like without her and even Spike in it. He watched his two loves wrap their gifts, their soft chatter making him smile. He added his own words, watching the sparkle stay in her green eyes. It would take awhile, but Willow was healing.

THE END

back