Willow began to speak, her eyes focused on Spike, blocking out everyone else:
I accepted early admission into NYU back in 1998. I had to leave. It might sound silly, but I just didn't feel needed anymore. Xander had Cordelia....Angel had Buffy...Oz had gone away to school...I was feeling rather let down and lonely. So, I made a rash decision. I wish now that I had thought it out, taken my time. Would figure that the one time I do something without thinking, I'd regret it forever. I got New York in the middle of August. Classes didn't start for a week so I couldn't move into my dorm. They were painting it for the new year. I found a cheap hotel that wasn't very nice, but I could afford it. After I had been in town two days, I felt it. Someone was following me. I wound up trapped in an alley by vampires. I killed two of them before the others took me. I knew that I was going to die. I wish now that I had.
She paused, thinking of her next words.
A man stopped them. He was honestly the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. He was saving me, or so I thought. He quickly killed the vampires and took me for coffee. Said it would calm my nerves. He was actually flirting with me. I didn't understand why. I mean, I know what I'm like..what I was like....when I got ready to leave, he wouldn't let me. I finally noticed that he too was a vampire.
She closed her eyes, not wanting to remember what followed. She felt Spike take her hand. She listened as Buffy and Cordelia moved, waiting for what would follow. She continued
He took me down another alley. He entered this huge house in Manhattan. I don't remember how I got there. I was scared to death. I had never seen such evil in a person's eyes before. He terrified me. He took my down a flight of stairs to the cellar. There were chains and swords and the stench of blood. I saw several cots in the corner. On one, a woman with dark hair was huddled in the corner. He pushed me onto the other one. His smile was so arrogant. He told me that he had been following me for days, since I first arrived. He had seen me at the airport. He said he knew instantly what I was...he wanted me. So, he followed me. Set those men up so I would trust him....he told me that I would be his until he was tired of me. If I was lucky, he'd make my death easy and fast. He told me to rest, that he would be back when he felt like playing. He asked my name but I refused to answer him. He slapped me, knocking my head into the wall behind me. When he asked again, I told him that people called me Red. He seemed satisfied with that. As he left, he looked at me again. He told me his name. He said that it would be the last thing I said before I died.......Damien.
Willow waited a moment for everyone to quiet down.
I didn't have long to wait. He came back for me within the hour. He took me to a room that was in the cellar. It had a huge bed and mirrors everywhere. He raped me that night. He enjoyed my screams...my pain...he just laughed. I hated that laugh. Still, it chills me to the bone. He took me back to that cot, bleeding and hurt. After he left, I just cried. I couldn't believe that I was going through that. That no one knew where I was. No one would miss me. I felt something touch my face and looked up. The other woman had come to my bed and was cleaning the blood off of me. I was startled to see that it was Drusilla.
Willow watched Spike for his reaction. When he just looked at her, she continued
That night, she cleaned me up. She told me that my fear...my screams fed him. The only way to survive was to starve him. I didn't understand what she was saying. She told me that he had found her in Central Park....recognized her as being one of Angelus's children. Thought it would be interesting to see how long it took to break her. She told me she had been there since the end of July. She said that she wouldn't let him make her scream. I could tell she was weak. She was beaten and bloody. I felt her arms go around me and she sang a lullaby. She helped me sleep that night.
Willow smiled softly at the memory. She was almost through.
The next time he came for me, I remembered her words. I didn't beg. I didn't cry. I didn't scream. He seemed to enjoy the challenge. As time passed, Dru was getting weaker. I let her feed from me so she could keep her strength. We would lay on those cots and she would tell me stories of things she had done...about Spike....about her Angelus...I told her stories about Sunnydale..about my friends...about what we had done. She helped me survive Damien. He became obsessed with breaking me. He couldn't believe I had lasted as long as I had. He started bringing me things...Dru said that he intended to turn me...She could tell by the look in his eyes...He started to be more brutal. He would come to the cot and fuck me in front of her, hitting me until he came...He cut me...whipped me....scars all over my back...I never once cried. By this time, I hated him with a passion. I watched Dru slowly wasting away as he treated her worse than he did me. Soon, I diverted his attention away from her. He only used me...She was able to heal but not completely...I was in bad shape....he started talking about our future...his quest for an equal that had lasted five hundred years. He had alway been able to break the others. They were not his match. I was.
Willow stopped and looked at the table. She needed to finish this.
Spike found us finally. He got Dru but she refused to leave without me. It had been a particularly bad night. He had beaten me for hours....Spike had to carry me out. I don't know how he made it. Dru was dying. She made Spike promise to take care of me. She told him she wouldn't have survived without me. She was gone soon after. I made myself a promise when she died that I would avenge her...I would find Damien and kill him. He was calling to me tonight. I stupidly thought he would have forgotten me. I realized that his coming here was just a trap. He intends to finish the game.
She finally looked up at her friends. Buffy and Cordelia were crying. She saw tears on Xander's face. Faith looked at her with respect and knowledge of needing revenge. Giles was staring at the bookcase trying to accept what the poor girl had lived through. She still refused to look at Angel. Spike still held her hand.
"So, you see, I can't face him alone. He won't
let me go..." she trailed off.