Parts: 11
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~Part: 11~
Anya stood outside of Xander's door for several minutes after Spike walked away to go to see Willow. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. She didn't know if she could do this. Hell, she didn't even really know what *this* was! Talking to Xander, hearing him tell her that there were no second chances, that she'd fucked up and had lost any possibility of a reconciliation. She wouldn't be surprised if he refused to even speak to her. It would serve her right, in a way. She'd refused to listen to him the numerous times he'd tried to talk to her, never answering the phone when he called, turning away from him when they'd run into each other. She'd become a demon again hoping that she'd stop feeling the pain of losing him. It hadn't worked. Even as a demon, she loved him. She hated it! Hated being human, hated all these emotions, hated that she loved him after he hurt her so badly.
She'd thought that going back would fix it all. She could help Willow and Spike get together and she could remember what it felt like to be a demon that didn't love. It had just been a mistake. A big mistake. Spike had been unhappy, she'd been unhappy, and nothing had worked out the way she'd planned. She guessed it hadn't been all bad, if she were honest. She'd figured out that her feelings for Xander weren't going to just go away. She'd also willingly traded her powers for the chance to come back and be human again and try to see if he could forgive her. She looked at the ceiling and counted to ten, hoping that Spike wasn't this unprepared for his talk with Willow. She really did want those two to get together, able to see that they belonged together in a way that would make them both much happier than being apart.
She counted past ten, deciding that maybe she'd be ready to talk to Xander when she reached a hundred. Or maybe when she reached a hundred thousand. She hated this weird feeling in her stomach, something akin to fear. She kept imagining all the horrible outcomes of her visit, each one ending up with Xander slamming the door in her face and her slinking away to be alone for the rest of her mortal life. Anya, stop this, she scolded herself. She wasn't a coward. She was brave and strong and could face Xander and apologize. She could do it. She had to do it. She was up to thirty-six and no closer to convincing herself that she had the courage to face whatever happened once she knocked. Xander hated her. He should hate her. She'd been mean and ignored him and never given him a chance to even try to explain, so caught up in her own feelings of inadequacy and hurt that she'd lashed out at him, never listening to him. She looked at the door, moving her hand over the smooth surface, tracing the number to the apartment that she had only recently vacated. This had been her home, her first real home. Sure, she had an apartment after she'd become human, but it had never seemed like home. Xander was home.
"Are you planning on knocking or do you just enjoy feeling up my door?" a soft voice spoke from beside her.
"Aack!" Anya jumped and turned to glare at the person who scared her, her eyes widening as she saw Xander watching her closely. "Xander! Gods, you scared me!"
"Sorry," he muttered, moving past her to unlock his door. He was trying to play the nonchalant guy, acting as if he wasn't dying to know why she was at their apartment and why she had been staring at the door for at least five minutes, trying to pretend that he didn't want to just pull her into his arms and kiss her and tell her how stupid he was and beg her to give him another chance. He glanced at her, "Are you coming in?"
"Um, well, sure," she said as she walked inside, her eyes moving over the interior of the apartment. He hadn't changed anything, she noticed, everything looking as it had when she'd left. He'd even kept the empty spaces that had remained when she'd taken her stuff. She nervously played with the belt loop of her jeans, no closer to knowing what to say than she had been when she'd arrived at the apartment.
"You want anything to drink?" Xander asked, playing the perfect host, his dark eyes not betraying any of his numerous emotions at the moment.
"No, I'm fine," she said, looking anywhere but at him. If she looked at him, she didn't know if she could get through this. She'd end up saying the wrong thing and making it all worse.
"Anya, why are you here?" Xander finally asked as he sat down, running a hand over his face as he hoped she wasn't there to argue anymore. There had been enough of that since he'd called off the wedding to last several lifetimes.
"I," she looked up then, seeing the defeated look on his face, the sadness in his eyes, noticing how tired and unhappy he looked, wondering if she looked the same way. She sighed softly as all her fancy speeches fled her mind and she simply said, "I love you, Xander."
"What?" Xander's eyes widened as he looked at her, wondering if he'd heard her say she loved him or if it was just wishful thinking on his part.
"I tried not to!" Anya defended, "I tried to hate you. You broke my heart when you called off the wedding. I mean, I know we might not have been ready, but you never talked to me about it! You just decided and that was that. If you'd tried talking to me, I might have agreed with you! I don't know if I was ready to be married, either. It was the next logical step. Humans date, they fall in love, they share a home, then they get married and have children and grow old together. I tried to hate you for making me feel, I don't know, unwanted. But, nothing made it go away! I became a demon again, but I wasn't the same! You were always there, in my mind and my heart and my life is so empty without you in it! I hate you for making me love you!"
"You were never unwanted, Anya," Xander said softly, "I love you. I was just scared and it wasn't time to get married. It was too soon. I never meant to hurt you. You should hate me."
"I should, but I don't," she whispered as she looked at him. "I need you, Xander. I can't do this human thing alone."
"You're human again?" he asked quietly, his eyes hopeful as he wondered if she was saying what he thought she was saying.
"I don't really think I ever stopped being human," she admitted softly, knowing that she'd not at all been the demon she should have been, granting sweet wishes instead of doing any serious damage. "I came here tonight to tell you that I miss you, that I still love you, that I hope maybe we can try again."
"God, Anya, I love you so much," Xander whispered as he stood and moved towards her, pulling her into his arms and hugging her as tightly as he possibly could. Pulling back, he blinked away tears as he smiled, "A second chance sounds wonderful."
"You're crying," she said as she moved her hand over his cheek, her eyes brimming with tears as she said, "I thought leaking was for sad things."
"Tears of happiness," Xander said as he moved his thumb over a tear that had escaped her eyes, "and you're crying, too."
"I am?" Anya slowly smiled, "I guess I'm really happy then. I love you, Xander."
"And I love you, Anya," he leaned down and gently kissed her. He didn't know what had caused her to come to him and he didn't really care, only caring that he had another chance with the woman that had stolen his heart. This time he wouldn't fuck it all up, he vowed, knowing that his life really wasn't anything without Anya beside him.
"I hope that Spike's talk with Willow is this successful," she smiled.
"Spike's talk with Willow?" Xander frowned, not understanding how she'd jumped from their loving each other to thinking about Spike and Willow.
She nodded, "He and I had a lengthy discussion tonight. That's the reason I'm here. I realized how much I loved you and decided to take a chance on telling you, hoping you could forgive me for how horrible I was and that maybe we could start over. He walked me here on his way to see Willow."
"He's finally gonna tell her how he feels," Xander understood, smiling as he said, "she loves him, ya know? I have a feeling their talk will be pretty successful. Now, can we quit talking about them and concentrate on us?"
"Us," Anya repeated, smiling, "I like that. Can I stay here tonight? I miss waking up in your arms."
"I miss waking up with you in my arms," Xander confessed, not admitting that he hadn't washed the pillow she'd last used because it still smelled of her and that he couldn't get to sleep at night without holding it against him.
"Let's go to bed," Anya said quietly, leaning up to brush her lips against his, the kiss deepening as they moved towards the bedroom. Finally, her life felt complete and she was happy again.
next | back